E119 - The Top 2 Reasons You Feel Guilty For Going No Contact With Your Narcissistic Ex & How To Make It Easier

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[00:00:00] Feeling guilty for going no contact with your ex. This episode is gonna help you understand that guilt and how to make going. No contact easier.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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Welcome back to the episode. If you have tried to take a step back from somebody who hurt you and are trying to go no contact to protect yourself, and yet you are immediately feeling guilty for it, having those thoughts come in and be like, am I being too harsh? Will they think that I never cared? Or maybe does this make me as bad as them?

Then this episode is exactly where you need to be because that feeling of guilt when you go no contact, that isn't coming from a place of being cruel or cold. It's coming from a place of having deep [00:01:00] empathy. So in today's episode, we are talking about why this no contact is really hurting you.

Why? It's hard for kind heart-centered people. We're talking about why there's an underlying need to be understood. That often keeps us from going no contact and why that's keeping you stuck.

And we're going to be talking about why no contact is not a form of revenge, even though it can feel a little cold or unfamiliar.

So if you have really been wrestling with this guilt and maybe even questioning yourself for taking this distance and this space, this conversation is going to help you come back to yourself and be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I will always pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can use to stay more centered in yourself and in your healing this week.

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Well, let's get into this guilt that you are feeling as you are starting to go. No contact. Or maybe you're, you're in the middle and really having this challenging time with this [00:02:00] internal, uh, incongruency maybe that you're feeling this internal battle of, maybe I shouldn't be doing this. I know I should, but this feels really wrong.

What is this? How do I get through this discomfort? So in my personal experience of. Having to go no contact. And that being like the one of the first big boundaries that I set for myself and in the experience of my clients of doing the same thing and all of us feeling this panic, this guilt, this, all of these thoughts and consuming feelings around what we were doing.

I've really distilled down the two biggest reasons why we feel guilty, why we feel this internal struggle when we go no contact. The first reason is because you are equating this boundary with being cold, mean.

Harsh, uh, stooping to his level, treating him with disrespect, trying to punish him, right? It's an outdated understanding of what a [00:03:00] boundary is. So if you haven't been taught a correct definition, I guess, of what a boundary is, it's never an ultimatum. It's never a punishment. A boundary is what you are doing to protect yourself from what someone else continues to do.

So by you going no contact, you're saying you can continue to try to reach out to me. I'm not trying to convince you to not do that, but if you continue to reach out to me, I'm going to block you so you can't reach me. You're taking what's in your power and protecting yourself regardless of what he continues or stops doing. Now being a kindhearted, empathetic person, maybe you have a tendency of people pleasing. I know I did, and still can have a tendency towards people pleasing. It can feel really foreign to set boundaries, period at all. Even small boundaries in your life, have been really conditioned.

And brought up in society and in societal norms, family norms, family [00:04:00] systems, that as a woman, your needs are less important than other people's needs. There's an energy of self-sacrifice that women just have inherently, and it gets compounded as we get older and become mothers and have lovers and all of the things.

But that's really, really like a deep seated. Belief system that is implanted early, early, early. So you have a tendency to believe that your needs are not as important. You have an understanding that boundaries are mean. So it would make total sense then that when you're trying to put this boundary in place, which is a pretty big boundary,

going no contact is a big. Boundaries a big step. It makes sense that when you would do that, you would feel like you were doing something wrong. You would feel like you are being the, the villain in the story

I and. Maybe even in the relationship that you were in, you were blatantly told [00:05:00] that whenever you tried to have a need or tried to take up space or tried to protect yourself in some way, you were blatantly told that that was wrong or that you were, or that you were being selfish or how dare you, or blah, blah, blah, whatever else he told you that you were doing.

You might actually have that, that running tape in your mind from a very recent experience with this person specifically.

So again, it makes sense why this would feel like you're doing something wrong. And I wanna say that it feels wrong because it's unfamiliar,

not because it is wrong.

The second reason that we tend to feel this guilt when we go no contact is because we really want them to understand. That we tried everything. We want them to understand why we have to set this boundary, why we need this to end, why we need this space. We want them to understand their behavior.

We want them to understand our behavior. We want there to be this [00:06:00] like closure, right? As an empathetic person, as a person who enters into relationships from a place of. Really wanting that connection, that attunement, that, that authentic love experience. You're going into that relationship, wanting the clarity, wanting to respect the other person,

and when something happens, you want the repair, right? That's totally normal to want like the apology or to have the explanation there that can explain your reasoning or your beliefs around something that happened. So of course you don't want them to think that you just ghosted them out of the blue.

You want them to know that you tried all of the ways that you tried. You want them to know that you loved them, that you were really committed to them, that you are really hurt, that this is not working anymore.

You want them to know that you're not taking this lightly, that you've put a lot of thought and consideration into what you need, and that this is really hard for [00:07:00] you.

Maybe there's part of you also that wants them to know that they aren't all bad, that there were good parts in the relationship, but it's gotten to a place where it's not healthy anymore. You want them to understand that.

By wanting to explain yourself, I think what. What you're hoping for is for them to be receptive to what you're saying, to do some internal reflection around their own stuff. To take accountability to say, yeah, that makes total sense. I'm so sorry. I was such a, such an asshole. You want, you want that from him, but here's the truth, with a narcissistic person.

They are never, ever, ever, ever going to tell you that it's okay for you to want what you want. They're never gonna tell you that it's okay that you left, that it's okay that you're blocking them. They're never gonna give you permission to get your needs met.

You will always be the villain. You'll always be the one that's doing something wrong that's causing the problems. Oh, you walked away and now you went [00:08:00] no contact. You're making things worse. You're not giving me a second chance.

If you're the villain, they get to stay the victim and narcissistic people will use that as manipulation.

You can try with all of your hearts might to explain yourself, to get them to hear you, but they will never truly hear or care quite frankly about your explanation. Because, because they are not trying to find, resolve narcissistic people are not looking for closure.

They're looking for a reaction. They're looking for how they can respond or react to what you're saying in order to elicit a reaction from you. Therefore, getting that validation that they're still in control of you. So, I know this feels weird because you don't operate that way. You, you want the closure that makes sense to you and wanting to be understood is so human. That makes so much sense.

But the more you give a narcissistic person, the more control that they feel that they have over you. [00:09:00] Going no contact is, is stopping giving them control. It really is reclaiming that control of yourself,

which is a perfect segue into understanding why it's so important to go no contact despite the guilt that you're feeling, despite those two reasons. The first being that you're feeling cold and harsh and mean. The second being that you really want them to understand, you really want their like permission to do so.

Why it's so important to go no contact is because no contact is is typically the first boundary that you can put in place that really gives your nervous system a break. So when you are constantly checking your phone, when you're constantly getting that input of seeing his name pop up, or seeing him call you or seeing the email come through, or seeing the Venmo request or whatever, all of the ways that they can contact you.

It, it sends your nervous system up, right? I, I bet you feel that in your body, that rush of [00:10:00] anxiety. Maybe there's some excitement there, but it's like you just, your system goes into hyperdrive. You feel your sympathetic nervous system respond in some, some way that amps you up.

And it keeps you on the rollercoaster. I know you know the rollercoaster by now if you are at the point of going no contact. Allowing him to have access to you in that way keeps you on his rollercoaster. It keeps you dysregulated. No contact in this case is not revenge. It's a reset. It's a reset for your nervous system.

Another really important reason to go no contact is because it interrupts the cycle of manipulation. So it takes away the control that they have over you.

When they have access to you, whether they are love bombing or bread crumbing, or flipping between text messages of how wonderful you are, and then you get 75 messages about how horrible you are, whatever type of contact they're trying to make with you, it's all a way to pull you [00:11:00] in to get the reaction.

Either they're pulling you in to get the reaction of, I love you, I miss you. Let's get back together. Or they're pulling you in, in order to piss you off, to get you to start to engage, to explain yourself, to tell him how crazy he is or whatever it is.

The engagement is what they're looking for. This is really important and I want you to hear this and sit with this. It doesn't matter the type of reaction you're giving them.

Whether it's, I love you, I miss you, or it's, I can't believe you just said that to me. How could you, after I've spent five years trying to get help, you get sober, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what type of engagement it is. it's All just a bid for your reaction. Now if it is on the side of the apologies. I love you. I miss you. I, I recognize what I did.

I'm so sorry. Hearing that is a manipulative way for them to get you to hold back onto that hope to get you to get back in the cycle with them. So an important reason to go no contact is to [00:12:00] stop the manipulation cycle and to help you let go of the hope. Because if you're at the point of going no contact, most likely

you have seen the cycle play out at least a handful of times, if not several handfuls of times, and you know exactly how it ends. You know that the apology leads to you, going back leads to nothing. Changing leads to things feeling really hard again, leads to things getting really out of control, and then you having to leave again,

You know, it isn't actually real hope. So In order to help yourself actually start to heal and move forward and not be tempted with the manipulation and the hope. Going No contact is so helpful. It is. So it will. It will expedite your healing.

All right, so you know why you feel guilty. You know why it's important to go no contact. So you might be asking yourself, uh, all right, cool. Brie, like, what then do I actually do? How do I actually do this and not feel like a terrible person? I. And what I wanna say is to do [00:13:00] these three things ready? The first is to remember that they are never going to be agreeable. They are never going to say, I understand why you had to go period and mean it without some sort of additional sentence there of why you should come back.

So they're never going to give you that permission and you don't need their permission to go no contact with them. So I want you to, to write on a little sticky note or put a reminder in your phone. That you are not going to get peace or permission from them, and remind yourself of that over and over and over and over again when that guilt starts popping up.

The second thing that I want you to do is make an inventory list. I have clients do this in my becoming program, and it's such a profound exercise where in your head you have a few things that always come to mind around why the relationship wasn't working.

But when you sit down and list out things like all of the times that he got drunk, [00:14:00] when he told you he was gonna stop drinking, all of the times that he started badmouthing a friend of yours and telling you how stupid you were, that you wanted to hang out with her, all of the times that he convinced you that what you were saying was wrong.

Or that you were stupid once you start listing these things out, that list gets really long. Listing out anything that didn't feel good in the relationship, the red flags that you saw and ignored in the relationship, anything that could be a reminder of him. A plus B does not work right.

Him plus me does not work. And look at the list. This is an important part of this. This. Number two here. Make the list, but then revisit the list over and over and over again. When you feel like, oh, maybe I'm being too harsh, or maybe he doesn't deserve this. Maybe I don't need to actually set this boundary.

Remind yourself of all the reasons that you need to protect yourself from this person continuing to reach out to you.

The third thing that I want you to do is [00:15:00] identify right now a person that you can message instead of your ex. Someone who is safe, who won't shame you, who won't blame you. Somebody you can go to and say, Hey, I don't need any feedback right now.

I just need to like, like word vomit what I'm feeling. I'm not looking for a resolution right now. I just need a place to feel heard.

It's so important when you are removing the person that you're used to going to that you replace it with something that can hold you. Through that withdrawal period, because it's really hard to go through the withdrawal period by yourself.

And that's one of the main reasons that I actually have a group component with my program because being with women who can understand where you can come and just send that message of like, dude, I am really wanting to reach out to him right now. I'm really second guessing everything.

Please help me see, please help me hold myself accountable. That is gonna be the thing that helps you go from where you are to that freedom that you actually want [00:16:00] from this person. That withdrawal period can be fucking brutal. So right now, identify a person that you can reach out to that can hold that safe space for you.

And then I just thought of this actually too as a, as a bonus thing that I want you to do. When you're blocking, I want you to block everywhere. So think about the, the places that maybe aren't front of mind every day. You've probably blocked his, his phone number from calling and texting.

You've probably blocked his email. But make sure you block all of his emails. Make sure you're blocking WhatsApp. Make sure you're blocking Venmo. Make sure you're blocking Zelle.

Just make sure you're blocking all of the places that he could potentially pop up, and that could potentially create the stir of the, the nervous system dysregulation, the holding onto hope, the wanting to engage, all the things.

And remember that. The fact that you're even considering or moving forward with no contact means that they did something deserving of a [00:17:00] consequence. The fact that you are here, even trying to go no contact means that he crossed so many lines and you absolutely deserve to protect yourself from him, and you're not obligated to keep the ghost of him haunting you forever. So you don't need my permission, but I want you to hear that so that you can give yourself that permission

Okay, so that is the bulk of what I wanted to say, but one piece here that's really important for women who have children with this x going no contact might not be a possibility for you. You might have to continue to communicate. Post-separation because of the kids. In your case, learning how to Gray Rock is going to help you keep your sanity through what feels like the ultimate mind. Fuck. The women that I work with that have kids, they go through a special and tremendous amount of post separation [00:18:00] abuse in most cases.

So learning how to protect yourself energetically, learning how to communicate by gray, rocking without getting sucked in for the reaction, for the validation, for the whatever he's trying to do to rile you up is going to help keep you sane. It's going to help you keep yourself resourced for your kids, and it's going to help you move through the court process to get the outcome that you want.

Gray rocking is really what it sounds like. It's like this boring gray rock. You're not giving any emotion back to what he's saying. You are just stating facts. It's typically pretty short and feels a little bit robotic, so it will feel foreign because again, you're an empathetic person who wants to relate, who is looking for understanding, who really did once care about this person.

But in order to engage with a narcissistic person it will make your life so much easier if you can receive a text message from [00:19:00] him and respond back with. The kids will be there at three. Thank you for the information period. Not go into the whatever he is trying to rile you up about. So do a little bit of research on gray rocking what that can look like in legal situations.

Get some legal advice from your, your, whoever your legal advisor is around. What do I need to say? How much communication do I need to have in order to not like, shoot myself in the foot here? And then go from there around how you can communicate, in a very short and unenthusiastic way, and definitely not getting roped into the SOB stories or him telling you how terrible of a mother you are, which is really, really hard.

So. Having your legal support, having a coach, having a therapist, having somebody in your corner that can help you understand those text messages, see the manipulation, help you craft your responses is going to make your life so much easier in that process. [00:20:00] Okay. That was a lot of info. I hope that was helpful in understanding a little bit better about what's happening. So let's, let's actually do a recap. Takeaways are important to me. I have my clients do takeaways after our sessions too, because oftentimes it's a lot of information and we're like, how do I hold onto this?

So what you now have from listening to this episode is a deeper understanding about what the heck the guilt is and where it comes from. When you try to go no contact, you have better clarity on why you feel such a, uh, drive to be understood by this person, to have them understand your reasoning behind going no contact.

And hopefully you have experienced a little bit of a mindset shift in seeing no contact as a form of self-respect and empowerment instead of punishment or revenge

And you have those three action items to do right after this episode. Okay. So to close out, let's pull a card because I [00:21:00] know you've been waiting for it. And just curious with the deck here of what the message is that wants to come out for you today.

It is Look up Precious, and let me find that in the book and I'll read to you what it says. Book up precious Shame doesn't live here. Raise your eyes and stand tall. Others may have hurt you or sent you messages that you are not enough. They were wrong. You are enough, you are lovable. You are whole. Look up, precious reminds you that you are worthy.

No need to cast your gaze down any longer. Raise your eyes and find your balance. Be courageous and be bold. Look around you and see your place. Look up Precious gives you the ability to spin and dance with a 360 degree view of this world where you are perfectly placed and perfectly whole.

Hmm. I love that. No matter the length of time that you were with your ex, it's likely that you were shrink. Right, [00:22:00] you were, you were learning how to take up less and less and less space and have less and less and less needs. And second guess yourself more and more. So what that card really outlines for me here is that this is your time to look up, to stop looking down and shame and shrinking and start looking up with your eyes open with that strong backbone, with that courage, with that support. It's time for you to move into that really powerful like protecting yourself era. This gets to be where you reclaim yourself, your energy and your life,

and you've got this, you are so not alone. If you feel like you've really been in a trauma bond and like the cycle of going no contact, blocking unblocking, blocking unblocking is really, really got a grip on you. I want you to go back to episode one 12. It's called How to actually Release a Trauma Bond, and it's gonna help you understand more biochemically what's happening,

and how you can shift [00:23:00] out of that cycle so that you can come back to this episode and really instill that. No contact for good. okay. I know this feels hard because it is hard, but you can do this. And until I see you in the next episode, please, please, please remember that you are not alone.