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Repeatedly acting against your deeply held values creates cumulative psychological damage that can lead to moral injury. From Others Over Self®. It's Hardcore and At Ease™. A show about people who are keeping their edge without going over the edge. I am host Shelly Rood, and today I'm sharing how a rocking chair being thrown into a wall taught me everything about ambition, meeting organizational reality. If you're tired of choosing between values and fitting in, we explore what Augustine knew about staying true to yourself. When systems fail, revealing how to find peace, when your values and reality don't align, this is Hardcore and At Ease™. Shelly Rood [00:00] Let me share a story about when my personal ambition met organizational reality head on. My ambition was to continue serving my country through the army reserves. And I was starting to feel that this organization wasn't perfectly aligned with my personal values. That's a hard thing to think about because the army has values and they shove them in your face. When I moved states for my civilian job, my unit gave me a farewell party and a plaque. You can actually see it on the wall behind me. I maintained contact with my unit at least once a month, even though I didn't need to. And then a year later, when I called to transfer into another unit, the woman who answered the phone said, we haven't heard from you in a year. The commander just sent out your AWOL paperwork. Now what that means is AWOL, absent without leave. It was ridiculous, just the thought that I had gone AWOL. Now, this is all just paperwork errors. They moved facilities. They left my paperwork in the old facility that they had abandoned, and it hadn't been processed properly. They thought that I went AWOL, whoever they is, and they issued separation orders. After that absolutely devastating phone call, I went upstairs to process what had happened. When my then husband found me in tears and I explained the situation, his reaction was destructive rage. He grabbed our family's rocking chair and slammed it into the wall, picked it up over his head and threw it into the wall, screaming, this is time for action. But I had taken action on the call and I was processing things appropriately. In that moment, watching that symbol of our family get destroyed, I realized that organizational reality wasn't just messy army processes. It was also the stress of navigating broken systems and how they can reveal misalignments everywhere else in your life. Here I was wanting to serve something bigger than myself, my country, but discovering that even mission-driven organizations have very messy realities that can leave good people behind. And here's what I want you to understand. This is not unique to the military or to my marriage or to my situation. This is the challenge that every ambitious leader faces. You know that feeling when your logical approach to problems makes other people feel dismissed, when your high standards come across as criticism rather than excellence, and when your commitment to doing things right creates friction with people who just want to get things done, when your family expects you to go along with something but your principles are really telling you otherwise. Here's what's happening. Your drive for excellence and your principled approach are genuine leadership strengths. They get results, but they can also make you seem inflexible or self-righteous to others, especially when you're navigating multiple life contexts like work and family, community, social circles. Each has their own set of unspoken rules and expectations. The cost is real because leaders either compromise their core principles in order to be accepted or we burn out from constant conflict over whether or not to lower our standards. And here's what makes this particularly dangerous. This is not just about workplace friction. As we discussed in episode seven, Repeatedly acting against your deeply held values creates cumulative psychological damage that can lead to moral injury. Now, most people think that they have a choice to make, either abandon your values to fit in or accept the fact that you're going to be misunderstood and isolated forever. But there is a third option, and it starts with understanding that this challenge isn't new. Let me tell you about two equally ambitious leaders with very different outcomes. First, Alexander the Great, my man. By any measure, Alexander was arguably the most successful ambition-aligned leader in history. He conquered most of the known world by the age of 30. He achieved unprecedented results across military, political, even cultural domains. His ambition was perfectly aligned with his capabilities and his opportunities. But here's the critical piece. His ambition wasn't grounded in solid principles first. The result is that he became responsible for incredible crimes against humanity. He died alone at the age of 32, paranoid and empty despite all his conquests. He gained the world but lost his soul. Now contrast that with Augustine of Hippo. Augustine had equally ambitious goals. He wanted to influence entire civilizations and shape how people thought leave a lasting impact. But Augustine grounded his ambition in his principles first. He navigated competing demands from his family background, multiple different intellectual circles, even a political career. And that's not even to talk about the spiritual community that he was a part of. Each of these has different standards and different expectations, and he navigated all of it while maintaining his core values. The result? Over 1,500 years of positive influence instead of a legacy of destruction. Here's Augustine's key insight and where this gets practical for us. Late have I loved you. You were within and I was abroad searching there for you. The alignment you're seeking comes from clarity about your principles first, not from trying to force every group around you to match your exact standard. Augustine understood something that most modern leaders miss. You don't have to compromise your core principles, but you do need to find strategic ways to contribute value while maintaining your integrity. Here's where this connects to being Hardcore and At Ease™. Hardcore means maintaining your core principles, your analytical approach, your high standards, your commitment to excellence without compromise. At ease means finding peace that comes from understanding how your principled approach affects others and finding sustainable ways to contribute without constantly creating friction. And when your commitment to excellence serves something bigger than proving that you're right, that's the Others Over Self®-impact. You find clarity about where these principles add real value without requiring everyone around you to change first. This ancient wisdom becomes practical when you understand how it fits into your complete leadership development. Augustine understood something that most modern leaders miss, and it's the key to the second element of our Hardcore and At Ease™ framework. Picture that shooting target again in your head. So your tactical center is the bullseye. That's the very, very middle. That's the thing we always try to hit. The next ring out is the ambition alignment. It's the red ring. When you hit that bullseye, you score all the points and all the rings behind it fall into place. You get points for those too. And you can achieve massive results across all areas. But here's the danger. If your ambition, that second ring, if you hit it there, then it's not grounded in your tactical center first. So if you hit your ambitions and you run hard and heavy with your ambitions, you can hit that ring. You can gain everything behind that ring. You can gain the whole world while losing your soul. And that's exactly what happened to Alexander. The Augustine contrast shows us what happens when you ground ambition in values first, sustainable, meaningful impact over centuries instead of destructive conquest. So what is ambition alignment? It's bridging your principled foundation with sustainable ambition that serves something greater than conquest. The foundation elements are obsession with excellence. plus trust in positive futures, but absolutely being grounded in your tactical center values. The problem this solves is getting frustrated when your drive for results conflicts with your core principles or achieving results that feel really hollow because they're not values-based. The result is massive effectiveness that compounds over time. and while preserving your integrity, an authentic impact. Now I want to share something very personal and it's helping me understand this even better. And I hope that by sharing this, you're able to understand it a little bit better too. I am currently going through the coaching program called Positive Intelligence. And I'm sharing this with you not because I endorse it, because I don't. There's a lot of things about the program I actually don't agree with. But I cannot ignore the substantial body of research behind their approach to understanding how our greatest strengths can become our biggest interpersonal obstacles. In our weekly small group discussions, we focus specifically on what it means to be an ambitious leader. And we're discovering that these same personality traits that get celebrated in work environments like analytical thinking, high standards, drive for control and quality, well, these are often the exact same things. that limit our ability to create a larger impact through collaboration and genuine connection. I'm sharing this framework with you as someone who's actively testing these theories and practice. I'm not coming from a theoretical standpoint when I talk with you. While I don't broadly promote their program, the educational foundation and the research methodology behind it really helps me understand how our strengths become blind spots. And that body of research is too substantial to just dismiss. Now what we're finding in our group is that highly driven, analytically minded leaders like you and I, we face unique challenges that most coaching programs don't address. We need different approaches because our problems aren't the same as everyone else's. So here's the practical framework for bridging this gap. Step one is strength recognition across your life areas. Start by understanding your natural analytical gifts, your attention to detail, and your drive for quality control. And then identify where these strengths are valued versus where they're creating interpersonal friction. And most importantly, recognize when your logical approach is making others feel intellectually inadequate. And that's a really hard one. For example, in family situations, when does your problem solving come across as dismissive instead of caring? Like when your child falls and instead of giving them love in the moment, you say, well, that's what you get for, or you shouldn't have been carrying around X, Y, Z. In work environments, when do your high standards feel like criticism rather than excellence driving? In social settings, When does your preference for really deep idea-based conversation alienate the others who are looking to connect emotionally? If you're like me, that is pretty standard in my life. This is about strategic positioning. We're trying to figure out the right context for your natural strengths. We want to learn to lead with curiosity rather than correction when others are approaching things differently. So find ways to express care and connection that don't require you to be someone else. That's what we're talking about. Now, once you're able to recognize where those strengths are coming across, it's time to build your awareness around the context. And this is about strategic positioning. It's finding the right context for your natural strengths. So we need to learn how to lead with curiosity instead of correction when the people around us are approaching things differently. And we want to figure out ways to express care and connection. that don't require you to act outside of yourself or to feel like it's false caring And when you're able to do that, you'll finally be able to conquer step three, which is adaptive contribution. What you need to do as a leader is build personal frameworks that honor your analytical nature while creating psychological safety for others. This isn't about suppressing your strengths. It's about learning how they land on others. and adjusting the delivery of your strengths for maximum positive impact. I want to repeat that because this is key as to why we need to quote unquote change when we don't think we need to change. It's our job to honor our analytical nature while creating psychological safety for others. We're learning how our strengths land on other people, and we are responsible for adjusting our delivery to make maximum positive impact. So let me give you a couple of real world examples of how this plays out. So an analytical parent. who learns to show care through questions rather than solutions. They're able to maintain their logical nature, but they're also able to create an emotional connection. So ask more questions. In the workplace, we see detail-oriented leaders that can frame these really high standards of service as service to the mission rather than just criticizing current performance of what's happening around us. And in the community, think of that really driven volunteer in a church or a civic organization that you know that is always focusing on those processes and those symptoms. And they're able to give and analyze those processes and symptoms instead of trying to be an emotional person. You know, our church is really good about encouraging people who are not good with kids to say maybe you should not. volunteer to be in the kids rooms on Sundays instead maybe go out to the garden and pull some weeds. So what you'll find is that even in community aspects of it, there's ways that you can be true to yourself instead of having to force that round peg into that square hole. Now there are some failure patterns to watch for and the first one is called the intellectual bulldozer. The intellectual bulldozer uses logic to steamroll over others emotional needs. You can't get a word in edgewise and they don't want to listen to it because they can correct you every step of the way. Don't be that person. Also watch out for the perfectionist police. man, they make everyone else wrong for having different standards. You do not want to be the perfectionist police. You also don't want to be the control enthusiast, micromanaging everything and everyone because you genuinely believe that your way is better. And listen, I know your way probably is better. but you still need to watch so that you are not known as the controller. And so success looks like this. Your analytical gifts become assets rather than relationship liabilities. And the line is pretty thin. People start to seek your input, not just because of your thoughtfulness, but because they don't fear your judgment anymore. You can maintain these really high standards while making other people feel capable and valued. And most importantly, your efforts are gonna compound towards greater effectiveness instead of creating more internal tension with the people around you. But here's what happens when ambition isn't grounded in values first. And this is what we're exploring in my Positive Intelligence cohort. When you hit the ambition alignment ring, that one ring out, without hitting that tactical center grounding, without getting the bullseye, you can actually achieve incredible external results while losing your internal compass. We see this with modern leaders who build billion dollar companies but destroy their families. They achieve fame, but they lose their integrity. They gain influence, but they become people that they don't recognize. Success without values foundation creates more opportunities to compromise, not fewer. And the power that you have amplifies what's already there. The Augustine alternative shows us that when your ambition is grounded in solid principles first, success becomes sustainable and meaningful rather than hollow. This is why some leaders seem to get more authentic. and grounded with success while others and even destructive. Reed Hastings left several companies before starting Netflix because he couldn't align with traditional corporate cultures. He had to get this ring right before he could build anything sustainable. Sheryl Sandberg, she departed Metta in 2022, recognizing when misalignment was pulling her away from her bullseye. Even Brian Chesky, he nearly left his own company. multiple times during incredible phases of growth. But when that investor pressure conflicted with his values, he understood that success without alignment isn't success at all. Now let's talk about the hard truth that no one seems to want to address in modern leadership. The moment you realize that your principled approach and genuine desire to serve don't automatically translate into smooth organizational experiences. My story isn't unique. Wanting to contribute to something meaningful while discovering that even well-intentioned organizations have messy, imperfect processes that can impact real people's lives. The ambition versus reality gap is universal. This is exactly what we discussed in episode seven when our expectations about how things should work get violated by system failures or other poor responses. It creates psychological damage beyond normal disappointment. This is moral injury, and it's more common than we want to admit. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the internal crisis, but the months and months of uncertainty that follow after that initial crisis. People who don't know your character might make assumptions based on incomplete information. You're learning that really good intentions and excellent performance, they don't always guarantee smooth sailing. Even in organizations whose mission aligns with your values. the common destructive responses that can make this worse. Let's go through a few of those. I must be the problem. When multiple systems fail you simultaneously, convincing yourself that you're fundamentally flawed rather than recognizing system dysfunction. Another problem is the control illusion, believing that if you just work harder, if you follow more protocols or be more excellent, you can prevent others from failing you. There's also the isolation trap, withdrawing from all relationships and organizations because trusting feels too dangerous. And what about the perfection prison? Deciding that any emotional response to injustice means that you're weak or you're handling things wrong. There is a healthier approach and I've learned to take it. And that's what this episode is for. The approach is acceptance without resignation. Understanding that organizational dysfunction exists even in values aligned groups. This is reality, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept less from yourself. We want to exercise curiosity over judgment. Ask. How can I serve here instead of why are they being so incompetent? What I learned from my army experience is that blame does not solve systemic problems, even though we wish it would. We also want to put internal peace first because your emotional state is your responsibility, not theirs. Even when they lose your paperwork and your integrity is in question. These are practical techniques that actually work. The first one that I learned to lean on over the years is the values reality check. So this is taking a regular assessment of where you can contribute while maintaining integrity, knowing that perfect alignment doesn't exist anywhere. Another thing you can do is the blame audit. Catch yourself when you're starting to feel disappointment turning into character assassination. Sometimes it really is their fault, but when we dwell on that, it doesn't serve you. And there's two more techniques that I've learned. Number three is the contribution focus. Shifting energy from, have to fix this dysfunction, to, I have to serve from my authentic capacity. And finally, strategic patience practice. Understanding that proving your worth may take longer than it should, especially when systems fail. The moral injury connection is real. When values misalignment creates psychological injury, it's not just frustrating. You need healing approaches that don't direct hatred towards the group or the leaders. You have to use your experience to clarify your principles and your contribution capacity. These alignment strategies are designed to prevent the cumulative psychological damage that comes from repeatedly compromising your core values. And with that, I want to give you a roadmap on how we can make this practical. So here's exactly what you're going to do. In the next 24 hours, it's time for your reality check. Identify one area where you have been hoping or expecting a group to change to match your values. Maybe it's your family's approach to conflict. Maybe it's your workplace and how they decide things. Maybe it's your community organization. Their standards are just not where you know that they should be. Practice asking yourself, how can I contribute authentically here without requiring them to be different? And notice when your disappointed mind creates blame and starts to tell stories about leaders or groups. This isn't about excusing their dysfunction. It's about taking responsibility for your own peace and your own effectiveness. Now this week, I want you to execute the internal peace project. You're going to choose one relationship or a group where your values misalignment is creating frustration for you. Practice taking responsibility for your emotional response instead of making your peace dependent on their change. I know that's a very, very difficult thing to do. And so here's a specific experiment you can practice on. The next time that you feel a familiar frustration because someone's approach is conflicting with your standards, I want you to pause and ask three questions. What am I trying to control here that's actually not mine to control? How can my strengths serve this situation without requiring others to match my approach? And what would it look like to maintain my principles while creating space for their different approach? It's important that we practice contributing value while maintaining personal boundaries. The goal here is not to accept lower standards for them or for ourselves. It's to stop making our own effectiveness dependent on changing others first. Now this month, it's time for you to do the authentic contribution experiment. I want you to map out your authentic contribution capacity across all your different life areas. So this means that you're going to get realistic about where your analytical gifts, your high standards, your principled approaches and and all those ways that you add real value to your mission in life versus where they're creating unnecessary friction. grieving ideal alignment while finding real ways to serve. Build resilience for long-term authenticity in. imperfect systems. I can leave the military after having a career that spanned across 16 years, even with that mess of the AWOL situation. So here's your systematic approach. We're going to do a 30 day authentic alignment challenge. In week one, we're doing a reality audit and we're doing disappointment acknowledgement across our life areas. You're going to make a list of where you've been expecting perfect. And you're going to practice that accepting perfect doesn't exist anywhere. The second week, we're going to do internal management practice. We're catching our blame focused thinking patterns. Every time you catch yourself elaborating on stories about how they were wrong, I want you to redirect that energy toward how you can contribute from your strengths. When you hit the third week, think about authentic contribution experiments without requiring others to change. Find at least three ways to serve from your principles while making space for the different approaches of others. And the final week of the month, week four, is reserved for integration, for boundary refinement, and sustainable authenticity. We're building systems that preserve your integrity without requiring constant vigilance or constant conflict. Now here's how to measure if this is working. You're going to track your internal peace levels during your values conflicts. Are you sleeping better? Are you less exhausted because of interpersonal dynamics? notice the quality of relationships when you're not trying to change others. Are they seeking your input more often? Do they seem more relaxed around you? Don't let these be rhetorical questions. Monitor your sustainable contribution capacity without compromising your personal integrity. Do you feel like you're able to serve longer and more effectively? Build resilience during disappointment about group or leader behavior. Because when systems fail or people let you down, which they always will, do you feel like you're able to recover faster? Or are you just maintaining your effectiveness? And if what you've heard up until now is just causing you to shake your head and say, yeah, Shelley heard it all before. Well, here's a couple of advanced strategies that maybe you haven't heard. If you're a senior leader, I want you to focus on creating space so that others can navigate their own values alignment while maintaining organizational standards. Give them a project, let them fail a few times, let them see what that feels like. Learn from leaders like Reed Hastings, who built entire cultures that reward principle directness without requiring everyone to think alike. And if you're an emerging leader, I want you to build resilience for the long game. And I also want you to be able to recognize when departure becomes necessary for your own psychological health. Sometimes the most principal thing that you can do is leave before the system damages your ability to serve elsewhere. And if you're just out there on your own as an individual, I want you to find sustainable ways to add value while maintaining your integrity. And through that process, I want you to develop clear exit strategies when you start to see that alignment is really becoming impossible. Now there is a key insight that I really want to leave you with. Managing the disappointment reality isn't about giving up. and it's not about lowering your standards. When you realize that groups won't change to match your values, there is a grieving process involved. I mourned for months going through that ridiculous AWOL administrative separation time. What's involved is a mourning of the loss of this ideal alignment that you had hoped for. Use these emotional intelligence principles to catch your inner critic when it creates blame and resentment towards leaders or groups. Shift from they could be different to how can I authentically contribute here? And take responsibility for your own peace. Stop making it dependent on external alignment. But here's what's not being taught in most leadership programs. Sometimes the most values aligned thing that you can do is peace out. Leave. Strategic patience is important, but so is recognizing when you've exhausted alignment opportunities and it's time for you to preserve your psychological health. so if this moment is speaking to you, please hear that you have permission to leave. As we wrap up, let's keep in mind that the gap between personal ambition and organizational reality is completely normal. Success comes from learning how to navigate it without losing yourself. That difficult season that I shared with you taught me that most people often make judgments based on partial information. That appropriate emotional processing isn't weakness. and that your worth isn't determined by others' ability to see your true character. More importantly, it showed me that you can fight for what matters. And you can win. I was retained 100%. I went on to serve another three years with notable security clearance access, high levels of command influence, and then I was honorably discharged. The system eventually recognized what was true about my character all along. Sometimes the alignment between Your ambition and organizational reality takes time to develop and that initial friction doesn't predict the final outcome. So here's what I learned through all of this. The alignment work that we're doing isn't about finding perfect systems or perfect people. It's about building the internal resilience and the wisdom to navigate when trusted systems fail, when good people make bad decisions, and when your principled approach creates friction in relationships that matter to you. I still catch myself thinking sometimes that if I just explain this more clearly or let me try this again and you know, I just need to set some better expectations or find that right approach. Gosh, I can really struggle with that and push people away because that's not really how life works. The work is learning to maintain your principles while building genuine collaborative capacity with people who don't think. exactly like you. That's a challenge. So here's this week's experiment. Identify one person or group where you have been waiting for them to just get it, to understand your approach, to appreciate your standards, or finally match your level of commitment. And instead of waiting for that to happen, I want you to ask yourself this question. How can I serve this relationship from my authentic strengths? without requiring them to change first? That question has saved more relationships and created more opportunities for impact than any leadership technique that I've ever learned. If this episode today helped you think a little bit differently about navigating values conflicts, then please screenshot this episode and share it in your stories. Tag me at Others Over Self® and use hashtag Hardcore and At Ease™ because I love to see how you're applying this framework in your real life. And if you're thinking, well, this makes sense, but I want help implementing this specifically for my situation. Well, I'm here for that conversation. The work we're doing on values alignment and principled leadership transforms entire teams when the leaders understand how to maintain their standards while building psychological safety for others. This week, I want you to sit with this question. What would it look like to fight for what matters to you while making space for others to do the same? That's all for now. I'm Shelly Rood, and you can count on me returning next Tuesday with a guest, Krystal Bronnekant. She's a leader who's cracked the code and is loving life while making a significant contribution to her community. Until then, stay hardcore, be at ease and trust the process.

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