Courage, curiosity, and commitment. That's what this work really requires if you want to go

deep within yourself and really change the patterns that you're

not proud of and step into more of the man that you're looking to

step into. Welcome to the King Within, a podcast for men who

seem to have it all, yet feel like they're losing what matters most.

I'm Mike Salemi, and I've been there. Successful on paper, but

disconnected on the inside. This isn't about grinding harder.

It's about mastering your emotions, leading with calm strength,

and rebuilding trust at home. Each week, we dive into real stories

and tools for becoming the man your family runs towards, not away

from, because you didn't build this life to lose yourself in it. This is the

King within. Let's do the work. What if I told you that

patience isn't something that you do? It's what's left over

when your system isn't defending itself. Let that

land for a moment. In today's episode, I am specifically

speaking to fathers, because in more times than I can count,

and it doesn't matter what type of profession. I've talked to police

officers, I've talked to tech salesmen, I've talked to

corporate fathers who are in corporate realm. Does not matter.

This sentiment of I should be more patient, I need to be

more patient. Look, patience, in my opinion, is

the end product. It is not something that we can just conjure

up in any given moment. Especially, as you will hear today,

if there's a few things going on. And so I want to unpack this,

because the way this. I just had a conversation recently with a. With a

gentleman, and he could not understand why

when he would come home, like, he would execute well at work, would

feel fairly grounded, had no problem in the leadership positions.

He had his role. He had his task duties, responsibilities. He felt

respected at work. And then as soon as he got home, he would

lose it, completely lose it when his kids would change the channel

or grab the remote and he would become the version of himself

that would get reactive. Sharp freaking cutting

almost. Why can't you do that? Shut up.

This is the last time. Go to bed

like this. Can show up in so many different ways, but at

the end of the day, he ends up hating himself for it because that's not

how he wants to be. And what are his kids learning in that moment? That

his dad's not safe. So clearly it's not the

ideal scenario. But this man that I'm thinking of

right now, and many men just don't know how to walk themselves through

it. And they keep telling themselves, I just got to be more patient. Well,

look, we're going to unpack this. Patience comes, in my opinion, from

three major things. One, you got to be present,

meaning you have to be actually there in the moment. You can't be thinking about

your day or distracted or thinking about

what's the next thing you got to do before you go to bed. So you're

prepared for the. For the morning and work. No, like, you got to be fully

there, feet on the ground, breathing in your body.

That's number one. These are. These are the conditions for patients. Let's

say number two is you need to be regulated. Like your

system, your nervous system cannot be in a threat state. How.

How much more effort, how much harder do you imagine

it is to cultivate patience when your system

is just on edge all the time? And I'm not talking

about once in a while. Right? Like, yes, once in a while.

It's totally understandable. But when this becomes the norm,

and this is what your kids and your family are learning, and you know

that it's happened in more times that you can count. And. And again, it's not

how you want to represent yourself, and it's not how you want to lead your

family. Largely, what I see is

people's nervous systems are dysregulated. And even though it

shows up in this one domain, let's say in their relationship

with their kids or maybe their wife, the whole system is

dysregulated. Right. It's just. That is the thing that

is like, what. What do they say? The

straw that breaks the camel's back? That's like that one last thing. That's the one

area of vulnerability. And then the third thing looks at

meaning. So you can cultivate patience or get

into a state more of being patient

when that moment is not interpreted as danger or

disrespect, because what ends up happening in those

moments of extreme reactivity in these acute scenarios,

you've completely collapsed. Right. And I know it's not

what you want to experience, so, look, that's why we're having this podcast and

unpacking this. And the way that I want to explain this more deeply

is. So we're going to touch on the Enneagram

one because it's a really helpful lens of understanding

aspects of this personality type. Because patience is not a

personality type. Right. But the type 8, for

example, is the challenger. It is the boss. It is of all the nine

Enneagram types which. Quick pause. We have all

nine types or archetypes in us. There's just one that we

lead life as and for the type 8. They

organize and prioritize being in control.

Okay? Now, there's a few core beliefs that drive or

a few core aspects of their deepest motivators

that drive how they show up in the world. So briefly, the light

sides of someone who leads life as a type 8 or who has this

archetype really alive in them, Is they on the

light side? Are they're assertive, they often will protect the little guy or if

someone's being bullied, they're great visionaries, great leaders. They're not

afraid of confrontation. The shadow, though,

is they can get aggressive, rageful,

cynical, very sharp, and they can be like bulls in a china

shop. And in fact, they can turn into the bullies.

Now, all of that stems from, by, by and large, a

fear of vulnerability, a shame that I am

weak, and a core belief that I am powerless. If

that is the deepest motivation, then how type eights, those that

lead life in that way, will respond and react to the world,

is to establish control, to be that man

who's got it, who's the tough guy who doesn't let anyone get

over on them. Now, what's happening is they're

associating softness or vulnerability with danger.

And the way that they're establishing safety is through control,

right? So the anger that's getting expressed to their

kids in this scenario is a protective mechanism.

But remember, anger is not. When you look at the levels of

emotions, anger is a secondary emotion, okay? It's not a

primary emotion. And usually there's things that are deeper

than anger. Oftentimes when you dig deep enough and

you explore what the anger is or what's underneath it. Not always

by any means, but oftentimes there's some degree of sadness or

grief, and we can go deeper than that as well. But

anger is usually the protective arm or the protective shield.

But oftentimes there is something underneath it, which is why if

you're a man who wants to cultivate greater levels of patience with your

kids, I want you to go back to those things. Presence. Are you really

here? Number two is what is your nervous system?

What's the. What's the overall tone of your nervous

system? Are you regulated? Are you not? And then are you, you know,

what's the meaning that you're making out of this, right? Are you

interpreting it in a particular way? That's probably, who knows,

not really true. And you're making. It's reminding you of something

as a kid, it's reminding you of your past challenges,

failures, whatever it is. But you're associating that moment and

interpreting in a way that's. So that feels in the body,

like danger, right? So I want to give you three

tools, okay? Tool number one.

Because what we're talking about right now, when it's snapping at

our kids or even withdrawing as well, or getting

explosive, any of those, you know, behaviors,

you're reacting, okay? So number one

is you gotta play and try to slow

down, right? So I'm gonna give you a practice. So

when something happens, there's an impulse, right, that gets sent

through the body. Now you. This is what happens. An

event takes place. Say your kid changes the. The channel on the TV

and you don't want it, and you've told him three times and he doesn't. So

you just go to level 10 super quick, right? Type eights in general,

as a side note, go from level 0 to level 100 like

that, super quick. So you get right into

protective, reactive, fierce, scary mode,

right? So what ends up happening is the trigger happens.

We interpret that situation, event, moment,

experience through the lens in which we view ourselves in the world.

Now, that perception and that filter, that view lens, etc.

That's what I shared earlier around the shame of I am

weak, the fear of being vulnerable, and the core belief that I am

powerless. So we interpret it through that lens, right? If that's you, if

this resonates with you in this way. Nine other core

beliefs. Of all the enneagram types, what we're talking about, the one that is most

classically associated with this pattern, but it happens to

all of us guys at different points. So the underlying theme

and work is the same. And then after

we interpret it through that, then we typically have

a physiological and an emotional

response. So maybe the emotional response is anger. The

physiological response could be fist clenching, jaw getting

tight, test chest getting tight, you start

noticing your heart rate elevating, right? So all of those things happen.

And then we have a reaction which, you know, sit down or

whatever the thing is. And then what ends up happening, it

goes on, rinse and repeat over and over. So what we need to do, because

that whole. That whole loop, that

facilitated pattern happens so fast,

okay? We get triggered into that. We trigger ourselves into that very

quickly. So the first thing is we got to slow stuff down.

So when you notice an impulse coming through

the body, whether it's the physiological state, the emotion, you

notice that rising of energy. Usually anger is a

rising energy. If I. When I work with clients, whether it's one on one

at retreats or in the Grounded King men's group,

and we do a lot of checking in on, you know, naming the emotion,

naming the intensity, naming the location, describing it so men

can have a better map of their own emotional experience. And

oftentimes when I ask them, okay, what's the emotion that's most present?

And they'll say, you know, anger. I go, okay, great. Now where

is that located? And oftentimes it's in the

head, the neck, the shoulders. It's rising

energy as opposed to, it's rare

almost ever that I can recall at least where guys would say, you know, I

feel it in my legs or I feel it, you know, lower down

in the body, it's usually rising. So first is take

a pause. Okay, that's number one. You got to

slow it down and create a pattern interrupt. So pause.

Locate the impulse in the body. I

want you to track it. Okay? So see if it's. Well,

you know, let's say it's in the throat. So you place, you locate in the

throat and just stay with it for a few seconds. Breathe.

Notice if it changes. Is it going into the head?

Is it increasing in its intensity? And what you can do too

is place your hand on that area so you can get more of a

kinesthetic connection to it. And then you

gotta breathe. And then I would invite you once you've been with it,

without even asking the question yet, because right now we're just training you

to track it, to notice it, to be with it, to

breathe with it. And then I would ask you to ask

yourself this question. What is this trying to protect me

from? What is this trying to protect me from?

And that might be a strange question to ask, but with

all this work, you'll hear me say it over and over in these

podcasts. Courage, curiosity, and commitment.

Courage, curiosity, and commitment. That's what this work really requires if you want to

go deep within yourself and really change the patterns that

you're not proud of and step into more of the man that you're looking to

step into. So in this scenario, I'm really

asking, I mean, really for all those three things and

to leverage curiosity, the more.

Curiosity is such a medicine for all this stuff. So when

you can imagine that the anger, this part of you, you're

actually giving it a voice and asking it, what is

this protecting me from? Or if that feels too

direct or hard to access, just say, what could this be

protecting me from? And I would Invite you. If nothing

comes up, I would invite you to Guess you can't get it wrong,

right? We're trying to connect more to, like, the subtle

energy in your body and your intuition and your felt sense.

So I want you to get out of your logical mind and tune into

what's happening in the body. Okay? So,

number one, slow it down. Locate the

impulse, track it, breathe with it, be with it, and ask that

question. All right? Tool number two

is I'd invite you to feel

into a prior memory. Now, this could be a

specific relationship that you have, a place, a

moment where you did not feel you had to

protect. What was a relationship that you felt?

We'll say the word soft, but I don't mean weak, where you

felt like you didn't have to control,

where you felt at ease, where you felt like, man,

I feel so relaxed around this person. And

it's a type of nourishment, right? Relationships give you that. That's

why we're relational beings. So there is the relational capacity.

Like, there's a deep nourishment that happens. But I want you to feel into

a memory where you felt relaxed or at ease

or soft, right? And see if you can

go back into that memory with your mental faculties,

but also your feeling faculties and go back into,

you know, what did it feel like in the body, right? If

you were observing yourself, just like

you are a witness. So you go back into that memory, and you're standing over

yourself, and there's this person that you just feel. Man, I just feel good and

at ease, like, I don't have to be, you know, on guard

all the time. I. I don't feel like I've got to protect. I don't got

to feel like I got to be in control. I can actually just let

Ease run the show. And I want you to go back into

that moment and take as much notes as you can. How did it feel? See

if you can feel that now in your body when you go back to it,

see if you can access that similar state and feeling.

And then. And then the more that you can come back to that. And I

would say every day, see if you can practice

returning back to that state of

teaching your body that it's okay to soften. And

all we're doing right now is practicing accessing that state,

right? So you're not spending the majority of your day locked into a protective

strategy. So tool number two is to go

back to a specific memory where you can remember that you didn't have to.

Armor clinch, tighten up, protect

and feel that and practice returning back to it.

Okay, Number three, this involves story work. Now, story

work is the main modality that I use in my coaching

for mental and emotional coaching. And you know, with stories, we're

looking at the. Well, we're looking at the words, because the

building block of any story is the word or words.

So we're being very specific and we're looking more at

not why your why

what's happening is happening. I mean, we've discussed that briefly earlier around,

you know that that core belief, oftentimes that was learned in the first 18 months

of life of I have a belief of being powerless,

I am ashamed of being weak, and the

fear of being vulnerable. Those are core beliefs that were

developed in the pre verbal phase. And then our life

experiences just reinforce and through our behaviors, etc.

It just reinforces that belief until we can bring awareness to it later on in

life. And that's the prison that we all, you know, our own version of

that that would be for the type 8, so that we

can walk ourselves out of that prison. But from a story work

perspective, what we're doing is we're looking at the mechanics of how we're

telling the story, right? Less about why, but more about

how. And so what I would invite you to do, especially

because men tend to keep things inside a lot. That's why I believe

in the power of men's group just to have. Not just, but to have a

container where we can be witness, where we can be held, where we can watch

other men go through their process. But expressing is

huge medicine for men. And I also know that

expressing to another human being, especially vulnerable stuff can be

challenging. And so for many reasons, getting it out on paper, getting it

out of your head onto the sheet of paper is a layer of

separation, of detaching from the story so you can observe

it more cleanly, clearly with space and clarity.

But again, you're also expressing it, which is really helpful. And you're doing it in

a. In a safe place. I mean, it's just you and your journal.

Okay. There is some keys to the mechanics of story work, but

for the sake of today, I want to give you a few things to consider

and sentence stems that you can use to help yourself.

Expressing this and getting it out, okay. And not holding it in where

it bubbles and again spills out sideways

on the people that you love the most and then you regret or hate yourself

for it after. So the first one, and it's what I

shared earlier, it's around what does my anger protect me from

feeling? And write that down. Right now,

just get curious and then I'm going to give you five

sentence stems and what I would do is just set a

timer and give yourself 60 to

90 seconds on each of these. And it might be just a one word answer,

but I'm going to ask you to go a bit deeper with it.

So when my child does blank my body

blank. Okay. When

my child does blank my body blank, this is tracking that impulse, right?

And also the situations that tend to bring it up.

Number two is I'm actually afraid of

number three, this reminds me of

when I was blank years old.

Next, the cost of this is.

And finally what my child needs from me is.

So those are your sentence stems and I would just invite you to write

and I imagine you'll hopefully learn something new about yourself that you can

bring into better self parenting of yourself

in those moments. And you know what

we're trying to do is increase your

sensitivity, your capacity to be with yourself, your

ability to stay present once again, your ability to regulate your nervous

system and to be very mindful of the meaning

you are creating in a given situation. And

is it actually helping you or is it pulling you away from the presence

that you're so desiring to lead your family with?

All right, so that is some thoughts around

how to be a more patient father when you're in

a rock and a hard place and how we can train these things.

We gotta train it. I think one of my teachers would say

the longer we work, the deeper we train. The longer we work,

the deeper we train meaning through practices like I am

sharing today or other ones that we lead in the work that I

do, meditation techniques and breath work techniques,

we're creating a new relationship with ourselves and teaching ourselves

how to increase our capacity to hold more of a

given moment, to stay present. Right.

To stay with the now and not age. Regress back into a former

version of ourselves that is really a five, seven,

two year old, whatever, basically a grown up child.

And you're teaching yourself how to lead your nervous system in your family in a

completely new way. But it takes time and takes

reps, right? How much reps do you think you

have in the same facilitated pattern? A

lot probably. So it's going to take effort,

especially in the beginning. Right. So my encouragement to you

is stay with it. It is so worth it. It

is so worth it. And you will see the benefits

translate and map over into so many other areas of

life. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and if this

resonates with you, please comment. I would love to hear

which technique or which tool that I've shared that you felt

enlivened and excited to try and get curious about. What's the

impact of it? And remember, don't just stop at one time,

practice it over and over. The longer you work with these things, the

deeper you will train it into your nervous system. Have a beautiful

day.