Episode 2: Worthiness
Hey you! Welcome back! I hope my previous episode has helped some & practicing gratitude has started to make a difference in your life. If it hasn’t yet - DON’T GIVE UP! It will! I promise!
I touched on this a little bit in my An Uncommon Perspective episode, but today I want to talk to you about worthiness.
This was a tough one for me. See for 17 years it was a very rare occasion when I was worthy enough to have something I wanted to get to do something I wanted to do. And then when I did finally get it, it wasn’t worth it. I would “pay the price” for it. Inevitably the “wants & need” of Chris would be 10 times more than normal. “Well you got this, so I need that” or “You went and did that so I get to do this”. Whatever “it” was, it was always more expensive or more extravagant than what I had or did.
Other times, if I wanted something or to do something there was never the money for what I wanted. But ALWAYS money for whatever he wanted. Or it was “never the right time” for whatever my “wants” were.
Now, I’m not talking expensive things like diamonds & vacations. I’m talking a new pair of jeans, a short visit to see my family. I didn’t event get to go to my own grandpa’s funeral because “it was bad timing & we didn’t have the money”. Which was total bullshit. Just one more way of him controlling me.
And heaven forbid I should have a hobby. It was either - “no we can’t afford it” or “that’s a stupid hobby & a waste of time. You should be working to make more money.” Or “does that make us money? How will you make money from that?” I could never just so something because I enjoyed it. It was always about whether it could make us money or not.
We ran our own businesses for like 12 years and his motto was “Get the Check”. Which meant, if I wasn’t working, I should have been. I can probably count on 2 hands how many new movies or tv shows I watch from 2005 - 2017. TV was a waste of time. So if we weren’t working on the business or the “homestead”, then I was lazy & should be. Plus cleaning, cooking, & homeschooling our girls at the same time.
Not to mention that if he was working on his own project inevitably something would come up and I would have to stop whatever I was doing to help him. However it was never reciprocated.
If I was ever able to do anything for me it was ALWAYS interrupted. Once I tried to watch an education show with the girls & he started talking to me. So I paused the show. Then he got upset because I paused it because in his mind he thought that I thought the TV was more important.
Another example, I learned how to knit. He told me that it was dumb & useless. Well, I pressed on anyway & decided to make blankets for the girls for Christmas as a surprise. Well, about 1/2 way through them he ruined the surprise & told the girls I was making them. Then he would let the cats in the room while I was knitting. Try knitting with a playful cat in your lap.
So at some point I just stopped. I stopped trying to do anything for myself. It was pointless. No matter what it was it would get interrupted, ruined, made fun of, or told it wasn’t a good time or we didn’t have the money.
So without ever using the words “your’e worthless” (which I did hear from time to time), I was told so on a daily basis. Every time I was “shut down” it was one more time of being told “ I was not worthy of anything good just for me”.
Right after he died I started doing things I enjoyed or what I wanted to do. But there was this weird guilt I felt every time I did something for myself. Like I was doing something wrong or sneaky or bad. I had the ability to do ANYTHING I wanted, but I couldn’t. I still battle with this sometimes. Doing something for myself that benefits no-one but me.
But little by little, the more I do things for myself the easier it gets.
In late 2023 while I was doing my Celebrate Recovery Step Study class it came to a point where we were discussing turning our lives over to God & what actions were were going to take to do so. I was having a really hard time with this. Because I didn’t even feel worthy of God’s love, or help, or compassion. In my mind, there were people who needed him more than I did. Why should I “take up” his time or resources when he could be helping someone else? Someone more worthy or more in need. And I thought that I needed to do something or be something special or “more” than who I am.
Then I stumbled upon Romans 3:27-28 - this is from The Living Bible translation, as sometimes it’s easier/simpler language than the Thee’s & Thou’s of other translations. This is what it says:
“Then what can we boast about doing to earn our salvation? NOTHING AT ALL. Why? Because our acquittal is NOT based on our good deeds; it is based on what Christ has done and our faith in Him. So it is that we are saved by FAITH IN CHRIST and NOT by the good things we do.”
Which brought me to this revelation:
If we cannot “boast” about anything then there is nothing we can do or do extra to earn our Salvation. Which means there are NO EXPECTATIONS and we don’t have to do anything more than Have Faith to earn and keep our Salvation & God’s Love.
That is exactly what I needed to hear. That there was nothing special or extra I had to do to be worthy of God’s love. And that he loves us no matter what.
Now I know, you may not be religious, so I’ll give you a non-bible reference.
I recently found the books - The Complete Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue written by Neale Donald Walsh. There are 3 main books (there are some others but these first 3 are gold!). So in these books God is speaking to the author - this is for real, not a story. As in God uses him as his messenger.
But in the books “God” is the Creator. So you can use whatever term you want to replace the name “God”, but it’s all the same. So in the beginning of the first book God goes into detail about everything in life coming down to love (and/or fear). And that we are God because God is a part of us. Not apart. And that God does NOT judge us. The simple explanation being - why would God give us free will & then punish us for using it? Simple, God doesn’t. Gold only loves. And so no matter what we do, God loves us. NO MATTER WHAT!
Which means, I am as worthy as you & you are as worthy as me. No one is better then or less then. As we are ALL part of the ONE.
What does that mean? That you are worthy. You are worthy of love You are worthing of happiness. You are worthy of abundance. You are worthy of living this life. You are worthy of all the goodness in life. So get the thing. Do the project. Take the trip. Take a nap. Skip the laundry. Go get some ice cream. And do it all without guilt, fear, shame, or remorse. Because you are worthy - just because you are you.
Repeat with me - I Am Worthy. I Am Worthy. - Say it with conviction!! - I AM FUCKING WORTHY!
Feels good doesn’t it??
Now, hang tight for just a minute & when I come back we’re going to say a “prayer” or affirmation to help change your thoughts from worthless to worthy.
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And I’m back! Thanks for sticking around! Here is an affirmation/prayer you can use on a daily basis to retrain your brain into KNOWING you are worthy.
Let’s take 3 deep breaths…
In………Out
In……..Out
In……..Out
Repeat after me (in your head or out loud, either way is fine)
I am worthy.
I am worthy of love & kindness.
I am worthy of abundance.
I am worthy of big things & small things.
I am worthy of the good things in my life.
I am worthy of God’s love and I don’t have to do anything special to receive it.
God, thank you for your love.
Thank you for showing me on a daily basis how much you love me.
Thank you for your grace & mercy.
That even though I may feel I have faltered, you still love me, no matter what.
God, thank you for continuing to bring me goodness & abundance in my life.
Thank you for loving me for me.
I love you.
Say this often. Come back to this & say it with me. It’s even more powerful when multiple people say it together. Even if it’s a recording. Because the intention behind it is love. And my intention is to love you & help you in any way I can. Because you ARE WORTHY!
So if no one else has told you today - I Love You. I love you for you & who you are in this very moment.
I have provided links for more info about the Celebrate Recovery program and links to the Conversations with God books. Which are also available as a single audiobook on Audible. If you do their free trial, you can get 1 free credit to buy any audio book and then you get to keep it. So if you cancel you can still go back & listen!
So my loves - thank you so much for listening! I hope you’ll come back for more. In the meantime, here are my parting words for you:
Have Faith. Give Grace. You ARE Worthy. And……. I Love You.