Alright. Welcome back to become a calm mama. I am your

host, Dianna Lynn Childress. I am a life and parenting coach,

and I wanna talk today about lying because it comes

up a lot in my coaching practice, and

it seems to be almost like the I hate you

conversation we had last week. It seems to be another one of those things that

is really difficult for parents to deal with. Because it

kind of has the same effect on you that

I hate you does where it feels very personal and very

disrespectful and, you know, just, like,

wrong. Right? So it kinda feels like a moral issue, a

thing that our children should not do. And just

like we talked about, I hate you is a strategy that your

child uses to communicate their negative

emotion. Okay? Lying is similar.

So, of course, when you find out that your child is

lying or they are just adamantly refusing

to tell you the truth, even though you have a lot of evidence

that that they've done something wrong. It can feel like you're being

betrayed or, you know, that there's some sort of,

like, moral thing going on. But the truth is that

lying is just a normal child behavior

issue. It's not like a character flaw. It's not an issue of

morality. It's a coping strategy. Just

like hitting, just like,

you know, running away from you when they're getting in trouble

or, you know, saying I hate you or any of those strategies that your

kids use, they're doing that to cope and

communicate. Now one thing about lying is

essentially your kids, they're they're immature

and they use lying as a way to solve a

problem. Okay? So they feel like there's

a problem and they don't know how to get out of it. They don't know

how to solve the problem. They can't really think of anything, and

so they are gonna lie about it. It's, like,

easy. It's an easy solution to them.

So when your child doesn't wanna deal with the

problem, they will lie and then that's their avoidance.

So it's not about whether they respect you or

not. It's not anything about that. I really think

this conversation around disrespect and respect with kids

gets super muddy for us and gets cloudy because

we're not looking at their behavior from the

lens of what's going on inside of your child, what's going

inside on what's going on inside of your child or what's going on inside

of them that is driving the behavior. You're

looking at the behavior and its impact on you, and that

doesn't really help your child change their behavior or learn

about themselves or learn new strategies. So it

is your job as a parent to teach your

child how to solve problems that come up in their lives in

better ways. Right? And that means that

we can't get kind of trapped in the did you lied, you didn't,

did you lie, like, we can't get trapped in that sort of discussion.

We just have to talk about the problem and how they're using

lying as a strategy and then give them a better

strategy. Now lying is an interesting

thing because the underlying motivations

are a little bit more complicated than just any emotion

because it's it's not just I'm scared

so I'm going to lie. I mean, actually, as

I say that, in most cases, the

underlying emotion that drives

lying is fear of some kind. But what

that fear is is something that we can explore and talk about a

little bit. So the first reason that kids lie,

I'm gonna break down the reasons that they lie a little bit so you can

understand. And, like, the idea with understanding why is so you

have more compassion so that when you problem solve, your

problem solving the underlying reason for the

lying instead of just talking about the lying itself.

So that's what I'm hoping by talking about, you know, the reasons that

your kids lie. So the first, we all know this one. Right? They don't wanna

get in trouble. So, you know, if you have an older

kid like a teenager, they're like, my phone died, and that's why I didn't

answer the phone or that's why I didn't call you back or that's why my

location services were off or whatever. And most

likely, they are late coming back

or they were somewhere they weren't supposed to be or whatever, and they wanna

avoid getting in trouble. So they say, my phone died.

Or they lie and said they did the thing that they didn't do.

They're like, I fed the dog. I did my homework. I did the chore. You

know, I cleaned up or whatever. I walk the dog. And they

are doing that because they don't want you to

they don't wanna commit confess that they didn't do it

because then they might have to do it, which is what they're trying to

avoid. Or they don't they

might have to get a big lecture from you and see the disappointment in your

face, and they're actually lying to protect

themselves from a negative

view, your negative view of them or your negative

judgment of them or your disappointment in them.

So they're avoiding trouble and they're avoiding doing

something that they want they don't wanna do. Right?

But they also are lying to protect

their identity, to protect

you. In their mind, they're thinking, if

my mom knows this about me, if she knows that I did this

behavior, she won't like me very much. She'll be

really mad at me. She'll be really disappointed in me. She'll think I'm a

loser. She'll think I'm a bad person. She'll think something

negative of me and I don't want my mom to think that about me,

so I'm gonna lie. And it's to

protect their identity and to protect your thoughts about

them. Is it good? No. It's

immature. Right? But that's what they're doing. And so we need to

say, hey, no matter what you say, I'm not my, my thoughts

about you aren't going to change. But what happens is when they're lying,

we have a lot of negative thoughts about them And

we're really angry, and so we're not neutral about their

behavior. We're not curious about the behavior,

especially when they're older. And, I mean, it happens at every age, but,

like, if they're doing something dangerous, like they're vaping or

they're do you know, they're not going to to class, like, as they get

into the teenage years, it can feel like the the decisions that

they're making, that they're lying to you about are dangerous. And so we

get really worried and we wanna have them tell us the

truth so then we can problem solve with them. But telling the

truth isn't really part of the solution, to be honest.

It's not necessary. If you know what's happening, if you know what

the behavior is that they're doing, just move forward. You don't need to

catch them. And I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm sorry. Okay. So

they lie to avoid trouble. They lie to protect

themselves or protect you from negative thoughts

about them. So that would look like I didn't do

it. I forgot. It wasn't me. I don't know

what happened. Yes. I ate my lunch.

I'm fine. Right? So they don't want you to

worry. They don't want you to lecture. They don't want you to think

negatively of them. So they're lying to protect themselves.

Because the thing is about, like, like, okay, we say most of the time we

say, oh, they don't wanna get in trouble. But a lot of you are like,

what? They don't my kids don't even get in trouble. Like, what are they afraid

of? Doesn't even make any sense. So that's why I

wanted to really talk about this on the podcast today of, like,

I think most of the time, kids aren't actually lying to protect,

to avoid trouble. They're actually lying to protect your

thoughts about them, to keep you thinking they're good kids,

especially, you know, the developmental questions. I

love to go back to those because, you know, the developmental question from 3 to

6 is, am I good or am I bad? They're trying to answer that question.

They want to think my mom thinks I'm a good kid. And then

but then if she shows that I did this bad thing, she's gonna think I'm

a bad kid. Now we don't think of it that way. Right? We're like mistakes

are neutral. They're fine. But our child is

worried. And then the next developmental question

is, the sorry. I

got distracted. The next developmental question is, am I capable?

Am I capable? Am I am is it am I am I good

student? Am I good a good soccer player? Am I, you

know, am I good at things? Right? Not like in my

who I am inside? Am I good or bad? But, like, am I good at

things? Am I capable? And they wanna protect your

thought about them. They wanna protect their thought about them. Sometimes

they lie and they actually believe that what they're saying is true.

They, like, convince themselves and you're like, am I in the twilight zone?

Or am I, like, on an episode of black mirror? What is happening here?

So your child, they're avoiding trouble. Sure.

But, really, they're avoiding your negative thoughts about them.

And then sometimes they lie because they just don't wanna do something or they wanna

avoid something. Right? So they just they don't they're like, I

cleaned up all the toys. Can I have the iPad now? Because they

want the iPad. Right? They're like,

don't wanna get off the video game. So then you go in and they're like,

the game took a long time to load. There was an update And you're like,

no, there wasn't or you can't tell because you don't know. And it feels like

they're lying and it's because they want more time on the game.

They want the iPad. They want more time on the game or they don't wanna

go to school. So they're like, I'm sick. And you're like, you're lying.

And it's like, well, you just have to have better

understanding of like, what is, what are your

parameters for being sick? Like, does it have to be green snot? Does

it have to be, you know, a fever? It does have to

be diarrhea. Like, what are your reasons that you keep kids

home? Because if you have a pattern where the kids constantly

saying I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick, and you're like, I don't know if you're

telling the truth, then maybe go send them to school and

then see what happens. So they might also

say, like, I don't have homework tonight or the test was postponed or we don't

have to dress out. The they say we don't have to wear our PE clothes,

stuff like that. So they're they're lying to avoid trouble. They're

lying to protect their identity. They're lying

to get out of something or avoid something or to get something.

Sometimes kids lie because they wanna be seen.

They might that's when you see, like, the kids who create, like, really grand

stories, you know, just really out of out of crazy stuff.

And they just want someone to listen to them. They want

someone to pay attention, and they found a strategy to

problem solve that to solve that problem of, like,

feeling uninteresting or unimportant. And so then they

tell these big stories, and then the people are like, what? Wait. What are you

saying? You went to a basketball game and you went you had you sat. You

played the game, like, in an NBA game. Like, it's sometimes it's so

cuckoo. You're like, what is going on? And you're paying attention, and they're like, oh,

now this is how I get people's attention. So you can solve that problem by

giving them attention in other ways.

2 other reasons that kids lie. 1 is maybe there's some bullying

or some sort of embarrassing thing that has happened to them, and they don't want

you to know or they don't want anyone to know, especially

our kids. They kinda know that we talk to her like the other moms.

And so sometimes they don't want you to tell the other

moms, but they can't figure out a way to tell you that or they don't

trust that you won't or, like, that you won't tell grandma or their aunt

or the neighbor or something like that. So if your kids feel like you talk

about them a lot, they might lie to you because they're

not sure if you're trustworthy with their stories. So they might

lie to avoid embarrassment or to keep

something that is embarrassing to them hidden.

And so maybe, you know, there's some kids

who were taking you know, took their notebook and and threw it on the floor

or, you know, cut their, you know, like, scraped their

backpack or whatever and, like, made a mark on it. And you're like, what happened

here? And then they lie and they tell you a different story or they're like,

I don't know what happened. And maybe there's some other thing

happening at school or in their life that they don't wanna talk about.

So getting curious is really helpful, of course,

like, you know, trying to figure out what

their reason for lying is and then soothing that under

underlying fear that they have.

You know, whatever you say, I'm not gonna think negatively of you

or, you know, what? I'm I'm here to

pay attention. Right? So you're kind of meeting the unmet need.

But what about the unmet need of avoiding trouble? What about the unmet

need of, you know, getting something or avoiding something? Like,

regular old, I didn't do it. She did it. I don't know what

happened. Like, normal lying. Right? How do you handle

that? So the first thing I wanna

say about how to handle lying

is really don't corner your child.

And this is going to be actually more challenging

than it sounds like because we

do feel strongly that we want our kids to

confess. And we believe that if they

confess, then they're gonna be more likely to

problem solve with us. So we kinda trap

them, and we're, you know, trying to get them to tell us the

truth. And if you put your child

on the spot like that, you corner them, then they

lie, then you keep asking them,

then they finally admit they lied. Now they're busted for 2

things. They're busted for the thing they didn't do or whatever problem,

and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the

lie. Like, there's no reason for them not

to. Like, telling the truth and confessing doesn't

serve them. They don't see any reason to do it.

So in their mind, they're like, just get on with the punishment already.

Like, does this talk okay? Fine. You know?

What's the consequence? I actually had my

son lie to me about something pretty big recently. I just remembered

this. And, we had

very concrete evidence that he was lying.

And we were like he's like, that's not me. That's not mine. Blah blah blah

blah. We're like, okay. You know what? We'll check again tomorrow, and we'll see what

happens. And then we checked again tomorrow, and it was the same result. And we

just moved on. So when you have

the information, you don't need to wait until your child

confesses. So instead of saying, did you throw all your

books on the floor and putting them in a position to say yes

or no? Instead, you're gonna say, I see your

books are all on the floor. You're welcome to eat dinner once you put them

back on the shelf and, like, go right in and set a limit.

So not corning your cornering your child is really important.

And then, like, I started to say, like, focusing on the

behavior, not the lying. Right? So, consequently,

the behavior, talking about the behavior. So, it's like we have this

information. We believe it to be true and these are the consequences.

So you don't need to get into, I can't do anything until they

confess. You don't need that. You can just be

like, this is what we believe to be true, and we're moving forward, and this

is what we're doing. This is the consequence.

So talking about it in this way

and, you know, what's funny is that a couple weeks later, my son just

casually admitted to the thing that he had done that he

denied fervently for weeks. And we just

were like, well, it doesn't matter whether you deny it or not. Like, we're just

gonna believe it's true, and this is the consequence, and this is what we're doing.

And a couple weeks went by, and he kind of was, like, started to

smile about the thing, and then he admitted to the thing. And then now

it's like, we all just know that that thing happened, and it's not a big

deal. We didn't have to wait for him to confess

and, like, corner him, and we know you did it. And I why are you

lying to us? If you ever find yourself saying, why are

you lying to us? Go back and listen to the first part of this podcast.

Assume they're lying to avoid trouble. Assume they're lying to protect their

identity. Assume they're lying to get what they want. Right?

Just assume they're lying for those reasons and then move

on. Deal with the behavior,

not the lying. Okay? Now, you

can if you know that something

happened, like, say, the neighbor,

saw your kid doing something wrong outside. Right? And the

neighbor's like, hey. I saw your kid, and they were, you

know, running. They, you know, they cross the street without looking or

they were, you know, taking all the lemons off the tree

or they did ding dong ditch to my house or whatever. Like, you're

getting information or the teachers like, this happened today at

school, and here's what happened or like a coach or whatever. Right?

You have data. You have information. So you know what happened.

And you want sometimes to say to your kids, like, did this happen?

You know, and you want them to confess. Right? You wanna trap them. But we're

not gonna trap our kids anymore. We're gonna say, we're

gonna preview it. Like, that's the strategy, right, that I teach a lot where

it's like, hey. I'm gonna ask you a question,

and you might not wanna tell me the truth. You might wanna lie to

me. But remember, like, whatever you

did, your behavior, I know it's not who you

are and that I love you and that we make mistakes, and it's

totally okay to make mistakes. I just wanna help you

improve your behavior. So before, you

know, before I ask you this question, I really want you to think about, are

you gonna be honest? And you can even say, do you think

you're gonna do do you think you're gonna be honest?

And let them decide. Yes. I'm going to be honest even if they don't know

the question. Or they might be like, I don't know. I don't know. Ask me.

Ask me. I don't know. I don't know. What's happening? Right? They might feel really

anxious. And you're like, okay. No problem. I'm just letting you know I

love you, that nothing you do ever changes my opinion of

you. And I'm just here to help you learn how to,

you know, be in the world. K? So you preview it,

and then you ask them the question. And then if they tell the truth, great.

If they don't tell the truth, no problem. You just led to saying,

well, this is the information we have. We believe it to be true,

and this is what's happening next. So, again,

we're not cornering. We're giving our children a lot

of grace, and we're assuming that they're

struggling and that the lying is part of their coping.

So what do you do about, like, low level lies? Like, you know, did you

eat these cookies? And they're like, you know,

no. My brother did it or whatever. And then

you go to serve dessert, like, a couple days later or get ice

cream or something. And you're like, no. I'm not gonna get you ice cream today

because I know you ate cookies earlier this week. And they're like, I didn't do

it. You go, well, that's okay. I believe it was true.

So that's why I'm not absorbing cookies. Like, always being in your

leadership energy there. Sometimes with, like,

kids under 6, just a lot of times,

you don't have you don't you're lying to me. I know you are. Like, kids

under 6 lie a lot. They have this, like, they found this good

strategy to avoid, discomfort, and they're like, they just

go for it. And if they really grow out of it because then they

start to know that you can handle their behavior and that they're a

good kid and there's no problem here. So a lot of times we see

lying from ages 3 to 6, 3 to 7

quite a bit because they want you to believe they're good and they

don't wanna tell you that they were quote, unquote bad.

So you can just kind of, like, move on. Just give a

correction or, you know, connect with them, set a limit, follow through

on it. No problem. Really, this whole episode is,

like, don't corner your kid. Don't try to get a confession. Don't

put on a lie detector test in your parenting. None of it

is important. Then the other

strategy when your kids are, like, doing those really outlandish,

crazy stories, I'd love for you

to give them a language to describe what it is.

Like, you know, in some vernacular, people call those tall

tales. Right? Or, you know, you could say, is

this a story or is this a true story?

Are you telling me a story? Are you telling me a truth? And you're

gonna kinda create language around what's a

story and what's not. Because stories are fun

and imagination is fine and it's great to have escapes and

imagine crazy cool things happening, but we do wanna help our

kids understand the difference. So is this a story or

is this the truth? Is this something you wish happened or is this something that

actually happened? That's another way to ask it.

And so if you say, well, this sounds like a story, and I want you

to tell me the truth. So what really happened?

So you could try again. So we're giving our kids a

lot of, new language around, you know, what's the story

and what's the truth and giving them an opportunity to tell the truth.

Alright. So my hope for you in this episode

is that you don't get caught up on

lying. Like, just don't make it a thing. Move on.

That if you know that the behavior happened, like,

you you have the evidence, like, the cookies are on the counter or those, you

know, the thing is broken, just be like, yeah. Okay.

Well, it doesn't really matter what the stories are here. What is true

is that the cookies are here, and you were the only one in the kitchen,

so I'm gonna believe that you broke it or whatever. Like, just move

forward as if they had told you the truth. And then

follow through the rest of the process with your consequences and things like

that. So when your child is

lying, the last little thing so don't corner them.

But I want you to realize that they need reassurance, actually. It's

such a moment where you're you wanna shame them and, like, convince them that

they shouldn't do that. And they're they're lying and you shouldn't do that. You need

to tell the truth and that's not respectful and you wanna give them a little

lecture. That actually makes it worse.

It makes their insecurity, increase

instead of decrease. What we wanna be saying to our kids is,

you know what, sweetie? Situations like this happen all the time. You're

still learning. You're still growing. I'm not worried about you. And

it's okay to make mistakes, and I'm just gonna move forward. And you're gonna fix

this mistake. No problem. And we're gonna move on. I love you,

and it's not an issue. It's not a problem. So we get caught up

in the lie, and then we get really mad at our kid, and we actually

make it more difficult for them to feel safe with

us. And that's the last thing I want for your kids.

Okay. If you have any questions about this,

please reach out to me. You can DM me on Instagram at

Darlyn Childress, or you can book us a consultation with me at

commama coaching.com. And if you have a

teenager, I wanna invite you to the

emotionally healthy teen class. It's a 6 week parenting

class where we talk specifically about teenagers, what

they are struggling with, what they need from you, and

then how to set limits and boundaries with teenagers so that

you don't stress out as much, and then also how to have better conversations

with them. So it's a really great class. I love it, and I

only teach it twice a year. So the next one starts April 15th.

The cost is $397. We're meeting on

Mondays at 12 noon, 3 PM EST. I

tried to find the best time I could for people.

And, yeah, it starts April 15th.

You can sign up at com mama coaching.com under programs. And if you're

curious about that class, again, book a consultation with me, and we can talk about

it, see if it's the right fit for you and your teenager. So, of course,

I'm always encouraging you to book that free discovery session with me.

Let's chat. Let's talk about things, and then you can learn more

about my programs and how to work with me because I'd love to get to

know you.

Okay. Happy trails this week as you, you know,

navigate lying without getting mad about it. I I believe in

you. I know you can do it. Alright, mamas. I will

see you or actually talk to you next week.