Sometimes it's not the shouting, the slammed doors, or even the holes in the walls that change you.

Sometimes it's just a look, the fear you see in someone you love.

For Tony, a recent client of mine, that moment came hard.

And it forced him to confront something he had spent years convincing himself when wasn't a problem.

In today's episode, you'll hear Tony's raw, honest journey from believing he didn't need help with anger to realising that unchecked anger was costing him more than he ever imagined.

If you've ever wondered if real change is possible, if you've ever felt afraid to take that first step, Tony's story is living proof that it's not just possible, it's life changing.

Hello and welcome to episode 29 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and for over 30 years, I've been helping men and women all over the world learn how to control their anger, master their emotions and build calmer, more respectful relationships.

And on this podcast, I bring you the same tools and insights I have used with over 15,000 clients, along with the powerful help of AI to support you on your journey to lasting change.

Today's episode is a little different.

It's not a list of strategies or techniques.

It's a real story, a personal journey of anger awareness and transformation.

Tony's story is powerful because it's so relatable.

Like so many people, he didn't think he had an anger problem until one moment forced him to see himself through the eyes of the person he loved most.

This is a conversation about courage, about facing the hard truth, and about what's possible when you decide to change, not just for yourself, but for the people who matter most.

Okay, here's my conversation with Tony.

Welcome, Tony, to the Anger Management Podcast.

It's great to have you here.

Can we start by you telling the audience a little bit about yourself?

Yep.

I'm 28 years old.

I'm an industrial electrician.

I work on a lot of commercial in store work.

What brought you to my anger management course?

So I've only just realized that I've had anger issues for quite a while and the reason for that is because I didn't realize that I had anger issues before.

My wife actually asked me a few times if I could do an anger management course and I always thought I didn't need it because I didn't think that I had any actual problems to work through.

And it wasn't until an event where I had to sit down and realize that no I've actually got some things that I need to work through here, not just for my own sake, but also for my wife's sake.

And it really got me thinking, because we're planning on having kids in the future, and I don't want my kids growing up learning that kind of behavior from me.

I want to be a better example for them.

Great.

And what was the event that brought you here?

So we were having an argument.

It was over something completely trivial, and it was starting to get a bit heated.

And I did what I always do, which is where I try and contain my anger in a bit of a bubble and just keep it to myself.

And, yeah, things came to a head where I ended up screaming at her and insulting her, swearing at her.

And then I threw my coffee cup through the wall, and then I stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind me, and I just went and sat down outside for 15 minutes or something like that, coming back to witness the carnage of what I'd done.

There was a new hole in my wall that I then had to learn how to plaster and paint a wall so I could fix it.

But more importantly, my wife was quite scared of me, which was a really hard thing to see.

The look of fear in her eyes when she looked at me.

And I think it was at that point where I saw that look that I really realized how much of a problem my anger actually was.

Yeah.

And what happened after you came back?

After I came back in, I.

We sat down, we talked about what happened.

She was quite angry, but I think it was mostly because she was afraid that I was going to blow up again.

Yeah.

We discussed what happened, and she asked me again if I could look at doing an anger management course.

And I agreed because that was the worst outburst that I'd ever had with her.

So.

Yeah.

Then while we were talking about it, I got online and logged up anger management courses.

And that's how I found your course and had a look at it and started to enroll in it.

How was it reaching out for help?

Was it easy or difficult?

It was a bit difficult.

It was difficult admitting that I had an issue that I had to work through.

And then you called me and asked me what was happening.

And here I was explaining something that I considered quite personal and private to someone I'd never met or spoken with before.

So I guess there was an element of shame in it at the time, admitting what I had done and that I needed help.

But I.

It also felt comforting to be able to just talk to someone who had an idea of what I needed to do.

And once I actually started on the course and started joining our weekly group counseling sessions, it became a lot easier and a lot more comforting because I was able to talk with other people that are working through similar situations to me and I didn't feel quite so isolated and humiliated by it.

So how were those group zoom sessions for you?

The group sessions are amazing.

It's awesome being able to get other people's perspectives on things that they're going through and also to be able to share things that have happened with me that I would like input on and getting other people's feedback about that as well.

Yeah, as I say, it really makes you feel less isolated and like that there are actually other people that are going through similar situations.

Basically makes me feel like less of an outcast.

And you've talked about previously how there's no point in living in guilt or living in shame, and that's 100% correct because then that just makes everything feel worse.

So having a platform where you can openly talk and share experiences has been really helpful for me.

Nice.

And how have you been finding the online course?

Yeah, the online course is great.

The videos are really informative and the exercises or handouts that come with each lesson as well.

I've been filling them in as I go.

And one of the things I like the most about it is that it really makes me just sit there and think about it.

So when I'm going to fill in one of my handouts, I actually have to stop and think, how does that look?

How does that feel?

How does that feel for the people that I'm affecting?

So it's really helped broaden my perspective up a little bit because instead of just looking at what effect did this have on me, now I'm thinking, how is this going to affect my wife?

How is this going to affect my friends and family?

How are they going to view me for the actions that I'm taking here?

So yes, I've been loving doing the online course.

It's really good for self reflection, I think.

Great.

And how has it been for you thinking about things from other people's perspectives?

It can be hard.

I told a story previously about how after the incident that led me to join the cause, I think it was a story that you told actually where a couple had event a number of years ago, but they had been going to the couple's counseling sessions and for the guy in the relationship, for him the event started and ended four years ago.

But for her, every time he got Angry about something else.

She was right back there and she felt that same emotion of fear all over again.

And after hearing that story, I went and sat down with my wife and I relayed that story to her.

And then I asked her, is that how I make you feel when I get angry?

And she said yes.

Every time something happens or someone cuts you off and you blow up or something snap about something, I'm always afraid there's going to be another hole in the wall or that you're going to throw something at me and hurt me.

And it was really difficult for me to hear that.

It's one thing for someone to hold up a mirror, but it's another thing to actually properly look into it and see yourself what other people see you as.

And the idea that the people that I love and care about could look at me as this rage fueled creature that could just snap at any moment and hurt someone that they care about was really hard.

It did also give me a lot of motivation to change the ways that I was acting and how I present myself so that the people I care about wouldn't have that same fear of me.

Yeah.

And if you change yourself, you change other people's perceptions of you, right?

Exactly.

And over time, that usually means things will improve.

So you've been in the course five or six weeks, is that right?

How much change do you think you've made so far?

It's already made a lot of difference for me.

Just my shift in perspective when I'm doing something.

How is this going to affect other people?

How is this going to affect my wife, my friends and family?

Has been a massive one for me.

The attention scale has been a very valuable tool for me so far because now when something happens and I can feel myself starting to get angry, it's a very useful tool for being able to identify where are my angle levels sitting at the moment and what do I need to do to bring those back down again.

So there's a lot of things that I've learned from the course so far that just make me stop and think and take a breather and help prevent those anger levels from climbing up too high.

Yeah.

So how has it been doing an online course?

The online course is great.

I think the thing that put me off looking for an anger management course previously was I already have not very much time.

I work a lot and I've got other things that I need to do as well.

And the idea of having to try and commit a time block every week or however often it was going to be to go somewhere and attend this course was quite daunting.

But having a course that I can just do on my own time has been such a useful tool.

If I'm at home and I don't have much to do, then I can just jump on and watch couple of lessons or so.

If I am struggling to sleep at night and I'm just lying in bed overthinking, then I can just grab my phone and watch a couple of the videos attached to the course.

Being able to go at my own pace has been quite useful for me as well.

I'm not that far into the course because I've been doing it slowly, but I've been finding that's quite useful for me because I know that if I try and just blaze through the course quickly, I'll forget most of what I've learned in it.

So doing a little bit at a time and then taking those tools that I've picked up and being able to practice them and think on them for a week or so before I learn something else is a much better fit for my style of learning.

So, yeah, the online course is absolutely perfect for me.

That's great.

So has your wife noticed any changes in you?

She definitely has, yes.

Often when I do a lesson that I find quite impactful, and usually after our group counseling sessions, I'll sit down with her and say, this is what I've learned now and this is what I want to start trying to practice.

And she finds it interesting to find out the things that I'm learning about as well.

And then I also share some of my tools with her as well, like my anger management plan.

I went through and filled that out with her so that she can also help identify if something's not going well with me.

She can pick up on it and say, do you think that you're getting a bit high on the tension scale, or do you think that you need to take a time out or something?

And it's quite useful having that external feedback as well.

But, yeah, she has definitely been saying to me that she's seen improvements in me and she's been telling me that as well.

And she's quite proud of how far I've already shifted since I started the course.

As an example, the other day I was driving and someone cut me off on the motorway and she was fully expecting me to fly off the handle and start shouting and instead I just said, oh, silly driver, and carried on my way.

And she was quite gobsmacked that I had such a calm and placid reaction to it, but she knew that it's because I'm actively trying to not let things get to me so I don't get as angry about them anymore.

And she was quite chuffed about that.

Yeah, I like it.

And how did you feel after that situation?

I felt a lot better, actually, because then we laughed about it because it was a bizarre way to respond to a situation like that, especially for me.

But then we had a good laugh about it and I felt quite good.

Not only because we got to laugh about something, but I felt good because instead of sitting there just seething with rage about something so slight that it really had no effect on my life whatsoever, I was able to just brush it off and carry on with my day and not let it affect me for the rest of the day.

That's great.

So what would you say to someone who is listening to this and thinking about doing this anger management course?

I would say that I wish I had decided to take this course a lot earlier.

If I had realized or even suspected that I had an anger issue I needed to work through, I definitely would have jumped on board with that because I don't like living angry.

Not many people do, I don't think.

And it's made such a difference.

Just in my daily life, I feel less stressed.

I'm not coming home in a bad mood and then getting snippy with my wife or something like that because of something that happened 12 hours ago that I've still been thinking about for the whole day.

So it's definitely improved my quality of life.

And because of that, I would say that if you're thinking about signing up to this course, just go for it.

It will make a world of difference for you.

That's great.

Anything else you'd like to say?

I guess I just want to say thank you, Alistair.

I know that you've been doing this for quite a long time, and it's.

It's just really nice that there's someone that cares so much that's decided to build this course to help out people like myself that aren't really sure where else to turn.

And because it's made such a big difference in my life, I just feel really grateful for that.

Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found this conversation with Tony as powerful and inspiring as I did.

Before we finish, let's quickly go over a few of the big takeaways from Tony's story.

Firstly, sometimes the biggest breakthroughs start with a single moment of honesty, a moment where you stop minimizing your anger and start really seeing its impact on the people around you.

Secondly, asking for help isn't a weakness, it's an act of strength.

And as Tony showed, it can open the door to real connection, real healing, and real growth.

Thirdly, change isn't about being perfect.

It's about taking small, practical steps every day, whether that's pausing before reacting, checking in with your tension levels, or simply learning to see things through someone else's eyes.

And finally, the work you do on yourself doesn't just change you, it changes the way the people you love experience you.

And over time, it builds trust, respect, and deeper relationships that can last a lifetime.

Remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.

It happens when you start practicing even one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.

So if something Tony shared today resonated with you, take it.

Try it.

See what shifts.

Okay, if this episode was useful to you in any way, I'd love it if you'd follow the podcast and leave a quick rating or review.

It really helps others find this show and get the support they need too.

And if you want to take the next step in your anger management journey, I've got some free resources where waiting for you.

Head over to angersecrets.com for a free training or to book a free 30 minute anger assessment.

Call with me.

Or if you're ready to address your anger issues right now, check out angersecrets.com course to jump into my powerful online program, the Complete Anger Management System.

It's the same system I've used to help over 15,000 people, including Tony, to take control of their anger.

And it will help you too.

Okay, that's it for today.

Remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

See you next time.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.