[00:00:00] Hello, and welcome back to this complex life today. I'm answering another common question I get from parents as part of these mini series. My teen feels overwhelmed. What can I do to support them?
[00:00:12] Marie: There is a lot happening for teenagers, their social changes, academic pressure, trying to figure who they are, what they want to be worries and concerns about the future. They're worried about things like climate change and political. Unrest in parts of the world wars breaking out. I mean, there is a lot happening.
[00:00:29] Marie: It makes sense that we would be overwhelmed. So, how can you help? '' How do you help a teen who is overwhelmed or stressed? ''
[00:00:36] Marie: While I was researching for this episode, I came across a really beautiful definition of stress and. And I love this book. I don't know if anyone has read it Atlas of the heart. It is absolutely fantastic. And Brene brown has stress and overwhelm in the chapter, titled ''places we go and things are uncertain or too much. ''
[00:00:57] Marie: And I thought that was a really nice place to put these emotions. And she defines stress as '' we feel stressed when we evaluate environmental demand as beyond our ability to cope successfully. This includes elements of unpredictability uncontrollability and feeling overloaded'' and stress can have a number of physical and psychological. Reactions. your face, flushes your heart races. You can have hands get tingly and we need some stress. We need a little bit of stress to motivate us, to call us into action, to activate us. Chronic stress is really, really debilitating and sitting too far into that stress cycle is really unhelpful as well.
[00:01:39] Marie: And I have a video on the stress cycle that you can check out as well.
[00:01:43] Marie: I'll pop that in the show notes.
[00:01:45] Marie: So stress is related to how we think we can cope. And this is an interesting one because we S where do we learn how to cope with stressors? We make mistakes. We try again. Sometimes we just need time to decompress and to figure out what to do next. And I, I like to use the analogy that stresses like a pot of water on the boil bubbling away.
[00:02:05] Marie: And sometimes it can threaten to spill over at any time. Overwhelmed on the other hand. It's like trying to drink from a fire hose. Where everything is coming at you all at once. And it's far too fast to process. You might be really, really firsty, but trying to drink out of a fire hose. It's just, it's impossible.
[00:02:25] Marie: it's important to remember when we were talking to teens.
[00:02:29] Marie: They're. They're humans. They are humans with feelings and emotions and no feeling is bad. There's no inherently bad emotion or feeling and stressed or overwhelmed. Uh, just feelings that we have. And there is a lot of stresses that face teens right now, as I mentioned earlier, there's all this stuff happening in the world, but in a more sort of individual level there's pressure and navigating social situations, maybe expectations from parents expectations, they place on themselves for. Academic achievement. Sports.
[00:02:59] Marie: I mean, there could be a lot of things that they're trying to achieve
[00:03:02] Marie: they can have a lot of pressure and sometimes that can be a lot to handle.
[00:03:07] Marie: Pressure from parents can also get overwhelming a pressure to Excel. Uh, pressure to succeed a pressure for achievement. And maybe some really high standards from how they dress, how they clean their room, what they pack for lunch, being punctual, being polite, being courteous, living to all these values. , and not allowing room to make mistakes or to have their own opinions, thoughts, beliefs, reactions, that can be really quite stifling and create that kind of pressure cooker. Setting where, you know, things are just kind of bubbling and it could tip over at any moment.
[00:03:38] Marie: We need to give them some ways to help them manage their own stress. But there's a catch. We don't want to offer too many solutions. And if you've been following some of the other work. If you've been following some of the other things that have come out and part of the series, you'll start to get the hang of the language that I'm talking about here.
[00:03:54] Marie: And big part of that is to stop trying to fix it. Listen [00:04:00] way, way, way more than you offer advice. Solutions, stop trying to fix it.
[00:04:04] Marie: We want to stop them feeling judged. And this is by those small comments you might make . ''Oh, you're overreacting or don't be silly''. Or '' ''I told you not to do that.'' It's really dismissing those feelings. So what I'd like you to try instead is allow them time to decompress and use an emotion coaching model.
[00:04:23] Marie: So see those opportunities of conversation as a chance to CONNECT. So if a kid comes home from school and they are feeling really overwhelmed, instead of saying ''what happened, what did you do? Tell me, tell me, tell me '' and bombarding them with more questions. It's like turning up the pressure on that fire hose even more.
[00:04:40] Marie: It's just way too much.
[00:04:41] Shure MV7: . Let them have some space.
[00:04:43] Marie: Letting them decompress and maybe having that conversation. ''You look a little bit overwhelmed right now.'' Don't judge it don't criticize it. Regardless of what they say, don't say, '' oh, well that's nothing. Or you shouldn't feel like that.
[00:04:57] Marie: Or I went through something similar''. Allow them space to talk about their feelings sometimes really general things like ''how are you feeling?'' Might not be helpful because they might not know. So if they're struggling to articulate how they feel and you've got a pretty good guess. '' I think it's overwhelmed. ''
[00:05:13] Marie: Just say that you look a bit overwhelmed right now. Let them talk about what's going on. And then at the end, after listening, non-judgmentally allowing them to speak, validating that ''I can see why that would make you feel so overwhelmed. It makes sense that you'd feel under pressure with all these competing demands. ''
[00:05:29] Marie: It's actually a lot that you've got on your plate right now, going from catching the bus, going to school, trying to catch up on stuff at recess and lunch, or hanging out with friends. And then you've got afterschool stuff and you're trying to get a snack and you're trying to do your homework and trying to get to basketball practice.
[00:05:42] Marie: Whoa, that's a lot. I'd be overwhelmed too. If I had that many things happening all at once or demanding my attention in so many ways. You don't need to use it as a way to justify. Something for you saying, ''well, I've gotten through it. '' It's letting them know that you validate their experience. Even if you don't agree, even if you think I could do a lot more than that, I could juggle 10 balls. They're only juggling three. What's the big deal it's around noticing that for them juggling three balls is overwhelming and saying, I can see that this is overwhelming for you. '' And then if invited. You can offer some solutions. So that might be saying, doing a nut this out together. Is it helpful? Just venting, maybe they want to hug.
[00:06:24] Marie: or some. Comfort Hug, Heard
[00:06:27] Marie: I love that one hug heard help. Do they want to hug? Do they want to be heard? Do they want help? And then you might offer, look, I've got a couple of ideas. Can I share them with you? Or what have you already tried? Is this something I can do to help you? Or offering what you prepared to do?
[00:06:42] Marie: Look. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now. I can take this off from you or I can help you. Teach you how to batch cook on Sunday. So you don't have to do these things during the week, or I can leave work early one day and drive you so that you don't have to catch the bus if that's of any help.
[00:06:58] Marie: So it's problem solving in a collaborative way together. So. Don't try and fix it. Listen way more than you talk, normalise the emotion and let them know that you're there for them, that you validate their experience. And then if invited you can problem solve together.