Foreign.

Welcome to the Own youn Choices on youn Life podcast.

I know you are here wanting to change and rewrite your story.

You are desiring to step into the impact that you know you were here to create.

I am here to guide you with the proven tools and strategies used by myself and our speakers

to support you in taking radical responsibility in your life and learning how

to own your choices to change your story.

My name is Marsha Van Winsburg.

I am a storytelling business coach, master NLP

trainer, speaker, podcaster, and seven times published author.

My clients have found freedom and purpose from overcoming their shame stories and learning

how to share them with the world.

I am so grateful you are here.

Let's get started.

Foreign.

Welcome back to the show.

Let's talk about visibility now.

I have so many people who come into my world

because of outspoken and wanting to be seen.

They're craving this being able to be seen.

Yet it's so scary, especially in the online space.

It feels like there's criticism, there's judgment, there's opinions.

And I know that.

I know those feelings very well.

And yet I also want to be able to support you to come up with some tools for how to navigate

it.

Because that's the thing, right? Visibility isn't just strategy.

It is nervous system work.

It's being able to allow yourself to be fully

seen.

And when you get the criticism,

it feels like, oh my God, I have to go run and hide.

The shame is so big, I can't do this.

And it's actually not about your side of the street.

It is about the other side of the street.

And so I'm going to give you a couple metaphors today.

I want to share this from the lens while still respecting a client who walks through a really

difficult situation.

I have been on the receiving end of this many years ago.

I was in a space where I, you know, started to share our story.

And I was actually speaking on small stages.

I had a lot of people who didn't agree with what I was doing.

I was always sharing it from my lens.

And I did have somebody come to my house.

I've shared this story before,

but I did have somebody, a friend, come to my house and completely berate me for not doing

enough to fix my kids.

And I remember in that moment, here was a key piece about judgment.

When I heard her,

all of a sudden I heard in my own voice,

I've said all of those things to myself.

So all of a sudden I went, why am I going to let her stand here and talk to me?

This way, when I'm already doing that to myself,

the only reason something is creating such a reaction in us is because deep down there is a

part of us that believes that's possible.

It mirrors something in us.

If somebody said to me, you look ridiculous with green hair,

I would say, that's stupid because I don't even have green hair.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Like, I wouldn't even connect to it because

it's not true.

But when something is said about us and it actually hits kind of that unhealed on process

part of ourselves, where there's a part of our subconscious that actually believes it,

then it hits kind of that trigger panic button.

And that's what happens.

And so in this case, when this person said that, I remember distinctly, it was a turning

point for me.

And I just went, why am I gonna let her have this power when I'm literally doing this to

myself?

And I said, in the kindest way possible,

I'm going to do you a favor and we're gonna part ways because this isn't working for me.

And you know what? She was a very, very good friend.

If you would've asked me that, I would've said that she was.

And I've never spoken to her since that day.

That was probably 10 years ago.

So it is interesting how difficult situations can bring out like the worst in people or you

get to see who your actual circle is.

So I want to talk a little bit about this.

And it's also such a reminder for me,

because my business is built on a lot of collaboration.

Like I have a number of different businesses now and they are all based in different levels

of collaboration.

That's how fortunate I feel I am and how much

I believe in collaboration.

Because I think that it actually changes the game,

it elevates it.

You are able to show others what is possible.

You can work together.

These rooms, virtual and in person have like, they've changed and shaped me and my entire

business.

So your unconscious mind will actually start to collaborate to the people that you spend

the most time with.

And if you are actually in spaces,

whether it's virtual in person,

with people who expand, you all of a sudden you start to see what is possible.

You start to see how much more there is available for you.

Some people are going to collaborate, hands down.

They don't even think twice about it.

They're like, yep, I'm in.

What can I do? How can I help you?

You know that one quote that there will be people you want to Surround yourself with

people who speak your name when you're not in the room.

Those are the people that you want to connect and collaborate with.

Some people will criticize, some people will compete.

And the more you succeed at something,

the more these people will stand out because you're the expander for them.

So say, for example, if you are writing a book,

I'm going to say this.

I think this is a pretty honest statement, and

I think it's real.

You will never be criticized by someone who

has done what you're doing.

It's not going to happen.

So in all of my time of writing and the time I released the book and all the things, I didn't

receive an ounce of criticism from somebody else who had written a book.

Not one,

but holy ****, I received a lot of criticism, judgment from people who had never written a

book.

And that's what it looks like.

You will trigger people because of what you're doing and how you show up and how you share.

You are triggering in something inside of them.

And so I want to speak to this because this is real and this is what happens.

This client in particular,

she knows I'm doing this,

but she was hit with some nasty messages, like the kind that I honestly almost forget that

there are people and women out there who behave this way,

because I don't see it in my world.

I don't see it anymore.

It's just like if you acted that way in my world, I literally block, move on.

I'm no, thank you, not interested.

No energy.

And with this kind of emotion attached to it,

like her unconscious mind contracted and her nervous system said, oh, my God.

Not safe, not safe.

Not safe at all.

Can't be seen.

Not safe.

And it's unfortunate because what your subconscious mind is doing is trying to

protect you, right? Like, it's like, oh, my God, Unsafe.

Don't go here.

But then also, what happens is we have this part of our brain.

So I like to explain this way.

We have our conscious and we have the RAs,

it's called the reticular activating system.

And then we have our subconscious mind, then our unconscious mind, another story.

But our ras,

that's the piece that actually takes direction from you of where to go into focus.

So you know how you've heard the story.

Like, if you see a red car and you like it,

but you'd never seen that red car before,

your ras is what happens is it.

It's like, on alert.

It's like a red car.

Look for it.

Same with the Tesla truck.

The first Time I hadn't seen it, everybody was

talking about it.

And then it was like within a day, I'm like, oh, my God, I think I've signed like 10.

Your RAS notices what you are calling out.

So in this situation,

her RAS goes on high alert for danger, right? One threat, one argument, Danger, danger,

danger.

And then over here,

there's like 50 people who are supporting.

And isn't that kind of like what happens even in the online space?

You put one comment, like one post out and all of a sudden you get one negative comment.

But you've got like 50 comments saying, oh, my God, thank you for sharing this.

Thank you for putting this out there.

Where is your brain focusing? Is it focus on the one or focus on the 50?

You get to decide.

And it is so intense.

There's nothing wrong with how this client was

experiencing this.

This is actually normal.

Because the brain is wired to scan for danger and beyond the outlook for danger,

because its number one job is safety.

So there's nothing wrong with this person.

This is exactly how we are wired.

So first thing I talked about was this situation.

And as I said to her, I'm curious with their words,

are they correct? Is it true?

And she said, no.

I'm like, so what they're saying isn't true?

It does hurt because you're human and you have feelings and it's not true.

So where are we going to focus on what is true?

And so we started to shift it back to what is true.

Then I started to talk about the analogy of, like, our sides of the street.

So if you imagine that you're standing on your street and it's a street that has, like,

yellow lines, okay?

We got the yellow lines and people who are behaving, like this way, childish, let me call

it that on the other side of the street,

they are there.

And so you could be running back and forth trying to argue your point, going to the side

of the street, trying to explain it, trying to get them to get and understand.

And meanwhile they're over there holding their ground.

Like really being in a space of, yeah, criticism, judgment, insecurities, like

unhealed everything.

And just nasty.

Just nasty humans, right? The kind that we don't want to imagine that

they exist, but they do.

I call that very much unhealed.

Because in the lens of nlp,

what perception is projection.

So how we are perceiving something is how we

are projecting outwards.

And what that means is, is that someone else's

behavior speaks entirely about them.

So if you ever watch somebody losing their mind over something.

I want you just to pause and go, wow, interesting.

What is going on inside their world?

That that is how they behave.

Like, what is going on?

What level of hurt or anger or unhealed, unprocessed are they walking through?

Because it's not about you.

It feels like it, but it's not about you.

So on your side of the street, you're like, no, I'm trying to live in my values and I've

got a big vision and I want to help other people and I want to work together and I want

to use my voice.

And over there on their side of the street, it is just absolute chaos,

nastiness,

hurtful criticism.

They are on their side of the street.

So when you are being pulled into their energy or you stop showing up and you hide because of

the way that they are behaving,

what's happening is, is you're stepping off your side of the street, you're being pulled

into their side of the street.

And that's not where your future is built.

That is not where your, like, everything that

you're working towards.

Those people are not meant to go with you,

right? As they talk about the rocket ship when it

takes off, of course, I don't have it with me, but I did use this in a keynote once.

When the rocket ship takes off,

there is like something like 80% of the energy is used in the first 10 seconds.

And then the.

I think it's the boosters come off the rocket.

And I think it's interesting because the boosters are meant to be there to get the

rocket going and then they have to fall off because the rocket actually has to be lighter

to go further.

Well,

how about this? Thinking that people who behave this way,

people who act this way, people who have mistreated you, they are the boosters on your

rocket, right? They're the boosters on your rocket.

And then they just go.

Because they're not meant to go where you're

going, but they are meant to be part of your journey so that you can become the person that

you're meant to become.

If you choose to shrink back down because of how others are behaving,

please know, and I say this with the most amount of love.

That is still a choice.

We all get to choose.

And did I shrink down a lot of times in the

beginning? I sure did.

It took me a long time to learn how to use my voice and see how others behaved through the

lens of.

That has nothing to do with me.

And you know what? I actually don't want to spend time with

people like that because I just.

I don't.

I really don't choose it at all.

So with your identity and when we think about people who behave this way and they, like,

push you down and force you to feel like you have to shrink down,

I want you to ask yourself,

who are you when someone speaks to you this way?

Who are you when no one is clapping? Who are you when people are being critical?

And who are you when you're misunderstood?

Because your identity doesn't shift based on whether someone else gets you or not.

Okay? Your identity doesn't shift because someone

else can't handle who you are and who you're becoming.

Now.

This doesn't mean that you're not going to get it wrong.

I actually had a moment in December.

Not a proud moment.

I say those moments happen.

I responded to something and afterwards I was like, oh, that was not my best self.

I actually reached out and apologized to this person and was met with zero apology in

return.

And I went, you know why?

It doesn't matter.

Because I'm going to keep my side of the

street clean.

And that's the reframe I want to give you right now.

Is regardless of how somebody else responds to your apology, responds to how you act,

whatever they're saying or doing,

is your side of the street clean?

Is your side of the street something that you can be proud of,

something that you can be like? You know what?

I'm **** proud of the journey that I walked and how I've led myself.

Regardless of what the people on the other side of the street are thinking and saying,

keep them over there.

They are the boosters on your rocket.

They are not meant to go where you are going.

They serve a purpose.

They do,

because they're shaping you into the person that you're becoming.

Do I wish you could become this without people like that?

Sure do.

But that's not how it works.

So instead,

clean your side of the street.

Focus on it.

Notice how your body responds when you are around people like this.

When you're in the energy of people who are critics versus when you're in the energy of

people who are all about collaboration,

you know where you belong and you know what you're here to do.

So please remember how many people are cheering for you, how many people are

supporting you.

You get to choose what you focus on.

You get to choose how you respond.

And your voice, your message, your story has impact and it is meant to help someone else,

especially if you feel called to that.

Okay?

Especially if you feel called to that rise above that **** on the other side of the

street, rise above it.

You don't have to engage, you don't have to convince.

You don't have to, like, speak to them.

You don't have to pull them up, you don't have

to change them.

You don't have to do anything.

And if you don't have to do anything, you also don't have to shrink to make them feel

comfortable.

You get to rise.

You get to stay who you are.

You get to choose your own frequency and you get to choose how you respond to what is

happening in your world.

And if there's anything that I want this message to land is, please do not shrink down.

When the boosters on your rocket aren't meant to go where you're going,

when those people are trying so hard to shrink you down and you know that they're not part of

your journey.

Please don't.

Because of them.

Please don't.

Because there are so many people out there who are willing to collaborate and support you on

your journey,

and someone who will love you and support you and cheer you on in ways that you can't even

fathom yet.

They do exist.

So if you're in a space where you want to know how to do this, this is all of the work that

we do.

But I knew that I wanted to share this experience with you because there's just so

much to it.

This client deserves better.

And I want her to be in a space of saying, like, doesn't matter what you say about me

because I know me.

I know my heart.

I know what I'm here to do.

And I'm here to rise above that and to get my message out into the world.

So I love you tons.

I would love to hear how this message lands.

And please know that you always get to choose your response and keep your side of the street

clean.

Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of Own youn Choices.

Own youn Life.

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And I will be forever grateful.

Until next time.

Remember, when you own your choices, you.

Truly own your life.