Welcome to Midlife with Brooke. I am your host, Brooke Oniki. I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ, a wife, mother, grandma, and a certified life coach. On this podcast, we talk about all things mothering, health and emotional wellbeing. I share practical tools and examples from my life and from the lives of my clients to help you navigate this new season of midlife. It can feel tricky and confusing and a little bit out of our comfort zone as our children grow up and they don't really need us in the same way. These concepts and principles have changed my life and I've watched them change the lives of my clients, and I hope that they can be helpful if there are things that you wanna change in your life. So let's get started. Hey, welcome to the podcast. I'm glad that you're here today. Before we start, I wanna invite you to a webinar that I'm doing on Tuesday, February 3rd at 2:00 PM Mountain Time. On Zoom, I'm gonna talk to you about how to regulate your nervous system so that when you have conversations with your kids. That you feel like you can do it from a really grounded space, that you're not always anxious and worried and feeling like you're saying the wrong thing, and I can help you learn how. To see when you're in a dysregulated state and how to get yourself back into that zone where you feel calm, where you can think clearly, where you can be slow and deliberate and listen to what they have to say and take feedback, right? We want to stay in that zone of resilience, which is that place where we are the best version of ourselves. But sometimes when people tell us things, we all of a sudden get. Panicked and worried and feel like we're doing it wrong, and then it's really hard for us to have the kind of conversation that we wanna have. So I wanna help you learn how to do that. So come to this webinar. If you can't come live, there will be a recording. So if you are on my email list, you're getting some information about this through the emails. If you're not, you can go to the link in the show notes and get on my email list. Or you can also just send me a request for the link at my email, which is Brooke, which is B-R-O-O-K-E, at Brooke Oniki My last name is spelled ON, like Nancy, IKI. Do com. So brooke@brookeoniki.com So send me a message asking for the link and I'll send it to you so that you can come. And if you can't come live, remember there's this recording. So I would love to have you come today I wanna talk to you about this concept, and I'm gonna share lots of examples to help it be very clear in your mind. The principle is the nervous system thrives on choice. I will say it once more, and then I'm gonna define the nervous system and give you some examples. The nervous system thrives on choice, so what actually is the nervous system? Your nervous system plays a role in everything you do. The three main parts of your nervous system are your brain, your spinal cord, and your nerves. your nervous system, helps you to think and move and feel it even regulates the things that you don't think about, like digestion. It contains the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system. the nervous system is like your body's command center, and it sends messages and electrical signals between your brain and all the parts of your body. These signals tell you to breathe and move and speak and see. And it's constantly looking for danger. So if our nervous system feels trapped or unsure of something, it feels dangerous. But when we have options or agency, we are able to think clearly and we're able to make better decisions. So today I'm gonna talk to you about how to create more options. So that your nervous system can thrive. When we feel trapped, our nervous system disregulates, we lose access to clarity, patience, and creativity. So instead of asking what should I do, I wanna invite you to ask two different questions. number one, what is the trap? And number two, how can I widen the options? Because if I have more options, I won't feel trapped. So let me give you some examples. Example, number one, your child is not thriving in college. They're not attending class consistently. They may be failing a class. They may have dropped some classes. The trap sounds like if I keep paying, I'm wasting my money and enabling my child. If I stop paying, I'm giving up on my child. Both of those options feel awful. So the nervous system. Struggles, right? We start worrying and panicking and wondering if we're making the right choice, right? When we say to ourselves, what should I do? And we feel like we only have two options, the nervous system becomes very shut down and dysregulated. But then if I ask that second question, how can I widen my options? We can slow down the nervous system and brainstorm more choices. Here are some options. We could fund one or more semesters with a clear assessment point. We could partially support instead of fully funding, we could offer to pay per class instead of per semester. We could pause school altogether for a moment. We could explore community college trade programs, or part-time options. We could choose to offer emotional support. Without continuing financial support, we could delay the decision instead of forcing clarity immediately. The moment that the decision isn't some forever hard, fast rule, the body relaxes and we're able to think through and talk about what some of the options are. Example number two, your child is gone, they've moved away. They seem to be doing okay, but every once in a while they have some big request financially. The trap sounds like this. If I put conditions around money, my love feels conditional. But if I don't put conditions around money, I feel resentful. So that's the trap. How do we widen the options instead of tying love to outcomes? We can separate love from logistics, and that might sound like I love you and I only pay for college when someone attends class at least 80% of the time. I love you and I've decided that I'll spend X amount of dollars to help you get into this apartment, or I love you and I've decided I can give you x amount of dollars towards fixing your car. I love you and I don't pay for car insurance letting people know, I do love you and I wanna support you, and this is the limit that I feel good about, that I will be able to do without feeling resentment, right? the love stays steady, the structure becomes clear. You're not controlling their choices, you're just choosing how you will participate. Example number three. You have a child that gets really volatile on family vacations, and it's happened several vacations in a row. The behavior's been unpredictable and exhausting. because of the outbursts, you have had a hard time deciding whether or not you want to invite him on the next vacation. The trap sounds like this. If we don't invite him, I feel like a bad parent. If we do invite him. I'm on edge the entire time. Both options feel terrible. So the nervous system says there's no good choice here. So then we ask again, how do I widen the options when we slow down? Possibilities emerge. a shorter stay instead of the entire vacation, separate lodging. So everyone has a choice. Built in breaks or exit plans, a conversation before the trip instead of avoiding the topic, letting him decide if the structure works for him. Choosing a different kind of gathering altogether. You're no longer deciding between inclusion or rejection. You're deciding how to include with clarity and care. Example number four, you and your spouse disagree about how much financial support to give your children the trap. If I push for what I think is right, I may damage my marriage. If I give in, I betray my values. Now it feels like you're having to choose sides. So if we know that's the trap? What can we do to widen the options? here are some possibilities. Slowing the decision instead of forcing agreement. That might look like saying, you know, this is what I think. What do you think? Let's sleep on it and maybe talk about it tomorrow. Agreeing on a short term plan, not a permanent one. Let's try doing it this way for a while. Let's see how the child responds, right? Let's just take it incrementally. Separating shared values from different strategies. So I have seen this with clients where they both really want the same thing for their child, but they feel like their type of support is more useful than their spouses, right? So if we can recognize we both want the same things for the child, we just don't agree on what financial support to give. If we can recognize those shared values, it makes it easier for us to come to some compromise or conclusion. Another idea is naming fears instead of arguing positions. So you may have your spouse explain what are your fears if we only support them in this way. What are your fears if we support them a lot and talking through that and trying to understand each other. Another idea is setting a financial ceiling or a timeline. So we're either gonna spend this much money for them or we're gonna support them this length of time. And the last one, coming back to the conversation later, you don't need agreement to restore safety. You just need room to keep talking. So sometimes things aren't gonna be solved in one conversation. We may have to come back to it over and over again. But if I recognize that I don't need to stay in This trap of only two options. As I widen my options, there's just more room for discussion and compromise and trying to come to a solution that we can both be happy about. And the last example, when your child is making choices that conflict with your values, this one can cut deep. When our children are struggling with addictions or doing things that are completely counter to the things that we raise them to do, the trap sounds something like this. If I accept my child, I'm approving choices that go against my values. If I hold firm to my values, I'll lose closeness with my child. It feels like such a moral crossroads roads. So rather than staying in the trap, how do I widen the field of options? It might look like living your values without enforcing compliance. Staying connected without needing agreement. I've had clients who have kids who don't respond to their texts or don't call them back, or don't come to visit. And so we talk about, well, you don't have to reach out to them. You don't have to text 'em, you don't have to call 'em. You don't have to go visit them, or you could just decide, I'm just gonna keep letting them know that I love them and. Allow them to come around to connecting with me whenever they want. I don't have to force any kind of, behavior. Another option, naming boundaries around participation. So that may sound like I am willing to watch your kids for four hours a month, but that's all. Or you're welcome to stay here, but I don't do laundry and I don't fix meals. Those are things that you'll have to take care of yourself, right? We get to decide how much help we want to give Another one is allowing outcomes without withdrawing love. So oftentimes we wanna go in and rescue, but if our child's failing school, we can allow for the outcomes and let them know we still love you. You're important in our family. Our feelings for you haven't changed at all. If you get fired from your job, if you go to jail, if you drop out of school, if you get divorced, if you have trouble with addictions the rest of your life, we love you and we're not going to take away the consequences of your behavior, but we always love you. So what's the common thread in all these examples? In every one of them, the nervous system tightens because it believes there are only two options and they're both bad. That is the trap. but widening the options restores agency, and like I said at the beginning, the nervous system thrives with choice. When we have choice, safety can return and we can communicate better. We can't communicate well without safety. Your safety and theirs. Safety for you. Looks like remembering that you're not trapped, knowing that you can tolerate discomfort, right? If I bring up this problem with my child and the volatile vacations The child might initially feel defensive, but if we can. Go slow and let them know. Let's just think about it. Here are some things that we've thought about. Why don't you think about it for a while, and then we can come back and discuss it again? Then we create safety and we also learn to tolerate the discomfort of that confrontation. Safety also helps us release the need to control outcomes. Safety for them. Looks like not feeling cornered, not fearing loss of love, or belonging from the family or from you. And being invited into choice rather than forced into compliance. When safety is present, curiosity replaces defensiveness, right? We can be interested. We can try to understand instead of getting our guard up. Our responsibility has room to grow, If I let my child know, I'm willing to pay this amount of money towards your rent or towards your tuition, and then you're gonna have to figure out the rest, It allows them to become responsible and take some ownership in what's going on in their life. And connection can deepen over time when we establish safety. And next week I'm gonna talk more about how to establish safety in your relationship with your adult child. So the next time you feel stuck, try this. Instead of asking, what should I do, ask, what's the trap here? And how could I widen the options? Those questions alone can bring your nervous system back online because it's like you deciding how to figure out the problem instead of going into fight or flight mode. Thanks for being here today. and if you find the podcast helpful, I hope you'll share it with someone else or rate and review the podcast so more people can find it. Have a good week. We'll see you next time.