[00:00:00] One or two things can women do today that would give them a shift in their life?

[00:00:08] One thing I would say is start asking yourself the question, what do I actually want? When someone asks you from something as small as, where do you wanna go out to eat instead of thinking, well, where is everyone else going to be happy, really ask yourself.

[00:00:29] Yes.

[00:00:29] What do I want? Because honestly, it's twofold. One, you're doing yourself a disservice and two, you're doing those around you a disservice too, because just as much as we want to make other people happy. Other people also want to make us happy. Not that our happy, we can't make other people happy and they can't make us happy, but there's still that desire to help other people be happy.

[00:00:59] And I recognize too that I'm setting a really, really bad example for my kids. When I don't connect with and if they can't trust me to be honest about what I want and be truthful, how can I expect them to learn to do that? And so I think that that is one key thing. And as just, you go through your day, just be more mindful about why am I making the choices I'm making? Why am I doing the things that I'm doing? And what is it that I want?

[00:01:27] Welcome to Why She's Winning with your host, Christy Rutherford, a master of office politics and self-care advocacy. Christy's clients have received over 10 million in salary raises in a pandemic, surprised that women are still getting paid during these challenging times. It's possible for you too. You can have it all if you believe you deserve it.

[00:01:50] Christy and her guest will assist you with that. Let's get started.

[00:01:55] Hello, hello, hello everyone. Welcome back to Why She's Winning today. I have a very, very, very, very, very special guest Lauren Hawekotte. So let me read her bio, Lauren is a certified financial planner and founder of Plan Well Be Well, she has a deep passion for financial literacy and believe that creating financial wellness is a critical component to overall wellness, which provides a foundation for you to shape your future and be well.

[00:02:23] This passion for helping people became empowered to shape their future couple with her own experience of divorce, inspired Lauren to co-found the graceful exit, kapow! An online platform for women considering, or going through divorce with the goal of educating, empowering and supporting women as they navigate the process.

[00:02:43] We're gonna talk about that. Lauren is also co-host of the podcast Life Rebalance, where she focuses on providing resources for creating wholeness and wellness to other highly driven women like us who are also in pursuit of continued personal and professional growth together they navigate the constant rebalancing of priorities and focus that is required to reach your goals without sacrificing your quality of life.

[00:03:09] All she does is centered around a singular purpose to provide women with the practical tools and resources they need to create their intended life and to truly be well. Welcome, Lauren.

[00:03:21] Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

[00:03:23] I'm excited to be here. I love a long bio that means that you're a winner.

[00:03:28] I have like too many things.

[00:03:31] I wanted to read it all because some of the stuff is existing. Like who you were before we met. And then some of it is new based on, and I do wanna talk about being overwhelmed with the opportunity, but it's whenever you're working on what you're truly meant to be.

[00:03:47] So. Tell the listeners a little bit about who you are and, what drove your catalyst and the desire for change?

[00:03:57] That's a big question. Okay. Let me decide where to start. So I am the oldest of four children, I guess, is a good place to start. I grew up in Southern California. Raised in a middle class family.

[00:04:14] My dad who also happens to be my business partner in the financial planning business is an attorney and a CPA as well. So lots of focus in my life on education and doing well, and I was raised Catholic. And so there's this background that I come from. And I at a very young age, got married.

[00:04:37] I was only 23 and my husband and I had been dating for about four years before we got married and we kind of got on the track of this is what life should look like. This is how you do things. You meet somebody, you get married. I graduated from college. We decided we waited several years before having kids, but we had kids.

[00:04:59] And you kind of just kind of going through the motions. And I found myself the first probably turning point for me was at 33 when I realized, okay, I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom, which didn't mean I didn't work. I actually worked outside the home too. I worked in fine dining in the restaurant industry for a number of years when my kids were young, but I recognize that I am not being fulfilled strictly by my role as a mother.

[00:05:27] I have two children. My daughter is now 11 and my son is 9. And at the time they were very young and I realized they're going to be going to school soon. And I was always a very high achiever. In school I was always at the top of my class, always performed well in everything that I did. And so achieving was really important to me.

[00:05:49] And I kind of felt like I was in this place where I was happy. I loved being a mom. And I loved having that family that I was pretty much all of my life thought this is what I want. But I realized that I wanted something more. And so I was either going to go back to school and get my master in accounting and become a CPA or go to law school.

[00:06:17] And so I consulted my father who had done both and asked him what he thought would be a better fit for me. And he said, how about a third option? Why don't you consider becoming a financial advisor and, come and partner with me, which is what I did. And so I did that for a number of years and I loved it.

[00:06:37] I am incredibly, incredibly passionate about, and I always have been, I worked for him when I was in high school. I would work in his office and through college. And so I had exposure to it and growing up, obviously I had been around it, but it was nothing I ever considered as a career. And I am very, very grateful to him for suggesting it.

[00:06:55] And then, but what I was finding even in that is that. Okay. And my dad, I have to describe my dad for a second. He is the most easygoing laid back person to work with. However, I'm finding this. Okay. I have all these expectations and whether or not they were real. It was in my mind. My parents have these expectations.

[00:07:20] I am now a part of my Dad's business. There are expectations from, at that time, my husband, expectations from my siblings. I'm the oldest, I need to set the good example of what life should look like and checking all the boxes and doing all the things. And I signed up to be on the PTA and I was volunteering in the kids' classrooms and I was like doing all the stuff, but finding that when I sat and was truly honest with myself, I was not happy.

[00:07:52] I wasn't happy. And I think that stemmed from the fact that I wasn't living my life A-being authentic. I was doing the constant juggling of who am I in front of now and who am I supposed to be in this setting. So when I'm in the classroom, I'm Miss perfect parent and, helping with the kids and on the PTA, I'm the best little helper.

[00:08:23] And in the office setting, I'm working 120%. And at home I'm like trying to be the best. I was trying to be the best at everything. Not realizing that I was burning myself out. As a result, you know, in hindsight, I'm sure that, that contributed to my relationship falling apart, among many, many other things.

[00:08:49] There are so many factors that go into a relationship. It's hard to pinpoint one particular thing, but I recognize that. And when I met you, where I was at this point where I was starting to gain traction in my career my personal life was falling apart and I kind of didn't know where I was going.

[00:09:15] So how do women, cuz your challenges is common amongst a lot of high achievement women, I just think people in general of how we get so far out of alignment with who we want to be and what makes us happy by doing all the things that other people want us to be. Right? You're showing up as the perfect mom, and then you wanna be the perfect wife and then the perfect person in front of the school as the mom and then the perfect daughter.

[00:09:41] And then the perfect, so tell the listeners about how easy it is to get out of alignment and, how you got to where you were to the point that you wanted to change?

[00:09:53] Yeah, it is so easy to get out of alignment and I think it's because circling back on what you said, making other people happy.

[00:10:01] There's actually a component of who I am, or that's something I want. So instead of aligning that desire to make other people happy with the desire to make myself happy. The making other people happy, just suddenly overshadows and it creeps. It's a slow creep.

[00:10:22] You let it go. Let it go. Let it go. And I think especially, as a working mom with young children, your self care it's the last thing on the priority list. And so it's totally gone. 100% gone. So every moment you're focused on others, others, others, others, others, and you're at the end of the day.

[00:10:47] Trying to refill your tank while you're running on empty. When really I've learned the reverse is what should be true, but we don't do the things. I think a lot of it stems from guilt. Guilt, I think is a huge component of it. You feel guilty to take time for yourself when you're working and your kids only see you a limited amount of time.

[00:11:08] But then you have to shift the mindset about all that, but it's just really, really easy because you allow more and more demands of your time by other people to take the driver's seat of your life, basically. And if you are not consciously aware and making an effort not to do that, it's going to happen. That's kind of the default position.

[00:11:34] I think it's the desire. One, women are conditioned to be people pleasers. And I tell the story all the time, and I told my brother a couple weeks ago, you're teaching your daughter to be a people pleaser. He was like, what? And I said, yeah, she has the stove she cooks for you.

[00:11:49] She has the tea set. She has the table. And so she's always serving and she'll be three next week. And so we're conditioned as women to pour from an empty cup and expect for other people to pour in our cup and it never happens. So we're walking around bitter and empty.

[00:12:09] Yes. And you become resentful and, you know, to layer it on, I'm sure that was a component I probably I'm doing all these things. And then I turn to my husband and, expect him to fill my cup and he's not doing it because he probably had the much healthier attitude, to be honest in that situation about like, you're doing all this stuff that's your deal. I count me out.

[00:12:32] And to your point, I think men have a much easier time prioritizing themselves because they aren't socially conditioned to be people pleasers.

[00:12:41] Exactly. That's the thing. So let's talk about change because I meet so many women who. One, know they need to change and don't. Two, know they need to change and do.

[00:12:54] And then three, the women who are completely oblivious, they're walking around in their dysfunction and their brokenness and they refuse to change. And that's okay. So let's talk about what was the, I mean like the one thing, and I don't think that it's one thing, but it's typically the something that flips your light bulb on, and then you be like, you know what I gotta do something different. So what was that moment for you?

[00:13:19] It's such a series of little moments that add up. It's so hard to pinpoint, but honestly, I mean, coincidentally, the day that you and I met at the Women's Investment News Conference where you were speaking and we crossed paths in the hallway and we started a conversation. The message that you sent that day really had an effect on me.

[00:13:47] And to your point, I was like primed and ready to hear it. So I had been going through, I'd been going to therapy. I recognized that there is something going on. There are some tough decisions I need to make that are going to disappoint people and make people upset and people aren't going to like me.

[00:14:10] And so I was struggling with, okay, how do I move through this? And how I get past it? It's like you're in that you recognize you need to change. But the thought of doing the things that you need to do to make that happen is so terrifying and overwhelming. And it just seems like too much on top of already too much.

[00:14:34] But the moment for me was meeting you that day and by some universal coincidence there's something that happened in my personal life that day, which was a breaking point for me as well. And so it was kind of like the perfect storm of things where I went, okay. I've been getting ready for this moment. And now is the time that I need to do something. I have to take action.

[00:15:05] It been said that luck is when preparation meets opportunity. And so a lot of times, you did work, you were working, you were digging, you were seeking, you were looking for something. And so whenever the lucky charm or the unicorn writer shows up, there's a click where this is what I've been looking for even if I can't materialize it in my mind.

[00:15:34] And it's not necessarily about me as much as it is about most women are unwilling to do the work, to lead to something, and always say that you have opportunities passing you all the time, but because you're not positioned, because you're not open because you haven't moved forward because you haven't read the book and done the work that people are having conversations with you, even in a business dealing all the time, but until your position to be able to hear what they're talking about, then your light bulb goes on.

[00:16:04] Absolutely a hundred percent. And for me it even, I don't know if you remember, but it was like, we connected and I was like, no, no, no, I know that I need to do this, but like my personal life is falling apart. I'm gonna be getting divorced. And I just, I can't do one more thing. And I feel like it's too much, too much.

[00:16:26] And I am forever grateful to you that you said no, no, no. This is exactly the time you want to do the work on you. Because it's a huge transition point and so, the rest is history.

[00:16:43] You know, it was interesting. I talked to a lot of women. Like I talked to a woman, I think it was in June. She said, I'm gonna start next June.

[00:16:48] I was like, what? So it's always like, if you have to get ready for me to help you then what am I going to do? So we always think that we need more. Does that make sense? Women are always like, I need to get clean or I need to do this before I'm coming. Like, no, no, no, no, no. That's what, let me do that. Does that make sense?

[00:17:08] Absolutely. And I was thinking about this, this morning, I was thinking back about someone I work with and how over the last couple of years, you know, she got hired on and unfortunately, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. So there was that setback. And then the next year I was going through this divorce and then here we are in 2020.

[00:17:27] And I was thinking about how, you know, there's always something, there's always some reason not to take a shot to action. There's always some reason that now is not a good time. No, now is always the best time you, you gotta keep moving.

[00:17:44] So talk to us about, and I know that we discussed a lot and we did a lot of work, but what was one or two of the major things, because I want the ladies to be able to, you know, get those nuggets to shift if they choose.

[00:17:57] But what were one or the two major things, because you changed fast, which I'm might hire a high achiever, which I love. But you became happy so fast that people thought that you were on drugs. which is my favorite story.

[00:18:12] I know. It might have been a Thanksgiving dinner. I don't know what it was, but my sister looks at me and she goes, are you on something?

[00:18:21] And I was like, no, but I also think there's that dichotomy of people expect that when you're going through something difficult. So at that moment I was dealing with divorce and it's like, you can't possibly be happy because here's what's going on in your life right now. And I think that that probably was one big takeaway is my happiness is my responsibility.

[00:18:48] And really the way I take responsibility for that is being mindful of how am I talking to myself? What is the story I'm telling myself? What is like the default tape that is going on in my head and how do I rewrite that tape? Or just pull it out and get rid of it, honestly, and start a new one.

[00:19:12] Because there's always going to be some reason to be unhappy. There's always going to be some reason that you shouldn't be full of joy, but taking that and recognizing that we're responsible for that ourselves. And it's so easy for us to think about what we feed our body has a direct effect on our health.

[00:19:37] What we feed our mind has a direct effect on our mental wellbeing and happiness. And so that was one really, really big thing. And working through all of that, starting with thinking about, okay, well, what is the story of your life? What is the mindset of how you were raised and all that, and then undoing the things that didn't serve me and keeping the things that did and, moving forward from there.

[00:20:03] So that was one really big thing. So the other really big thing that I took away from working with you is recognizing that I don't need to put on a different mask every time I'm in a different place. I need to be who I am and be okay with people not liking that and be. Be myself in every single setting, because the crazy making that happens when you're trying to people please, and be the person people expect you to be in any given place is just mind numbing and you can't function that way. You're going to lose your mind.

[00:20:45] And I was, I was losing my mind doing that and the freedom that comes with and trust me, I still deal with it. I call myself a reformed people pleaser. There's still that part of you that care. I mean, it's, you have to balance.

[00:20:59] It's not that I don't care what other people think. It's not that I don't care about the happiness of people around me. It's all I've done is taken mine and given equal weight to it. So I was like, I was way down here and everybody else's way up here. And I've just even the playing field and leveled things out.

[00:21:20] And part of that is being true to myself and not being afraid of what are people going to think? How are people going to perceive me? How are people going to judge me? And, you know, a lot of that too, I think is I just turned 40. And I think it's really true that when you hit 40, you kind of just don't care as much anymore.

[00:21:42] But I don't think I would've gotten to that point had I not done all of that work and it is very, very, very freeing. I just feel so much lighter. Letting go.

[00:21:52] You know, you look 20 years younger, so I'll just, I'm gonna need to get that before and after shot side by side, we're gonna.

[00:21:59] I know. And I would say, oh, Christy, you're just being nice. If I didn't hear the exact same thing from lots of people around me. They're like, how are you aging backwards? I'm like, well, because I let go of the crap that wasn't mine to hold onto that was weighing down and heavy. It was heavy stuff and letting go of it and just being yourself and focusing on who you are, what you bring to the world, the things that you're passionate and care about and moving forward with that is freeing, for sure.

[00:22:38] You know, it's interesting because I have a lot of clients now where I do the before and after, and people are like, wait, I'm sorry. Like even me, I look younger than when I was in my thirties. And it's because when you're living the free life and the life that you want, you're not as angry. So your wrinkles aren't here as much. Does that make sense?

[00:22:57] Yes.

[00:22:57] And you're not carrying the emotional and spiritual baggage, that is exhausting because I used to think that, I'm drinking three cups of coffee a day. I gotta take these vitamins and I just wake up and get out of the bed so heavy. And it was because it was energy, it wasn't weight. And then I lost like, you know, four dress sizes. So let's go back to, you talked about, go ahead, go ahead.

[00:23:23] I was just gonna add to that, that the most amazing part is I didn't even realize how much I was carrying until it was gone. And that, you don't recognize it.

[00:23:37] We're always walking around with all of this weight and yeah, that is it. So when you are on the journey, like, I didn't know, I was depressed. Until I wasn't depressed anymore. Cuz my depression didn't look like we're high achiever. So I'm working every day. I'm not laying in the bed singing what's with me and crying.

[00:23:55] I'm actually working 12 to 16 hours. So when it was done I was like, wait a minute. Was I depressed? I had to look back. Was I depressed?

[00:24:03] Well, and not only that, but because you're so busy, you're distracting yourself. You're not even connected with what's going on internally and in your mind.

[00:24:13] Yup, exactly. So tell the ladies about the voice that plays in your head, because that's in the book where I talk about, you're not the tape, you're the tape player. So I didn't know that people had the negative voice in their head until I heard Eckhart Tolle say I'm not the voice in my head. Who am I then the one who sees that I'm like, wait, I'm not by myself. So give the ladies a little bit of insight on how you perceive that now, and then how you change that.

[00:24:42] Yeah. So I think I was listening to the tape and the tape was you need to work harder. You need to do better. You're not good enough. Everyone else is passing you up. You're a terrible mom.

[00:25:01] Just things I wouldn't say, looking back now, it's like, would I ever say those things out loud to another human being? Not even people who I don't particularly care for. I wouldn't say those things because I wouldn't wanna hurt their feelings, even though I don't like them, but, you know, so I recognized that I was unconsciously saying these things to myself in my head.

[00:25:28] And so part of it, I think was, paying attention to that voice number one, because...

[00:25:34] Number one.

[00:25:35] Yeah. It's not even something that I think most of us are consciously aware of. So until you can recognize it and become consciously aware of it, you can't change it.

[00:25:43] So that was the first step was becoming aware of it and recognizing, oh man, I am really like kicking the crap out of myself for no reason, because when you step back and objectively, look, I feel like other people would look at my life and go, wow, she's like on it and has it all together. and everything that looks amazing.

[00:26:07] And my side of my head is I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. What are people gonna think if they really know what's going on inside my life and I'm scrambling all this stuff. So recognizing that voice and realizing that yes, that is not me.

[00:26:25] And then retraining that voice. So saying things out loud that are affirmative. Like, I am good enough as a very basic starting point and retraining myself to speak to myself differently and that even flowed and translated into talking with my kids, I recognized they were saying things verb out loud about themselves, that I would never want them to say to themselves or to anyone else.

[00:26:58] And so I had those conversations and it was reinforcing that for me. And I think honestly meditating helped with that a lot too, to just have no thoughts or try to have no thoughts anyway letting my mind be empty, but really just filling it with positivity. And in all honesty, in my experience anyway, sometimes you can't stop that negative tape.

[00:27:30] So the next best thing in my experience is to just drown it out. So take your conscious mind and put it on something positive. Listen to something uplifting. Listen to something positive that's going to shift your mindset. And have you think about who you truly are, who you are called to be, how loved and valuable you are and get rid of all that negative crap.

[00:28:00] And the second it starts to creep in, I shared this with you recently where, you know, it's almost like people who are on medication and feel so great. They're like, I don't need this medicine anymore. I feel great. That's kind of what happened with this. And I'm like, oh, I can let some of this stuff slip and let it go.

[00:28:19] And then I like was at a tipping point where I'm like, no, I need to get back to this. And so for me, I recognized, I need to make this a core part of what I do for myself every day and not let that slip again.

[00:28:35] So when it comes to women and their self limiting beliefs, right. They'll look at Lauren and say, Lauren, doesn't understand. She's a gorgeous white woman with blonde hair. She's wealthy. And she has these things and she has this fine boyfriend. I know it. She has all these and doesn't understand my plight or they'll look at me and say, oh, you know, she's light skinned with long hair and cute lips and unicorn writers are weird.

[00:29:02] She doesn't understand my plight cause I'm this. So you would discredit the woman who's called to serve and say, well, you don't understand, like Lauren doesn't understand me because I'm a black woman and Lauren is white, or I don't understand Lauren because you know, she's white and I'm black.

[00:29:18] So tell the listeners about expand on what you mean when you say everybody is doing the best they can.

[00:29:27] Yeah, so I truly believe and, to take this back, where I adopted this mentality was in therapy actually, where she said that to me, Lauren, don't you think everyone is doing they best I can.

[00:29:44] And I was like, no, like they're half-assing things and I'm picking up the slack and this is not fair. But I left and I started thinking about it and I was like, you know what? No, this is true, everyone at every moment of the day, I truly believe whatever it is that people are doing, they're doing the best that they can.

[00:30:13] And I will admit to shift this a little bit. I think that connecting with other people on a really, really deep level comes from being vulnerable and being honest about, you know, this is the best that I can do right now. I am struggling over here with some major stuff. And I am sorry if I'm not living up to your expectations, but I'm just trying not to fall apart at this very moment.

[00:30:45] And I realized very quickly when I started being honest with people about like, I would love to do this, but I can't because I'm going through a divorce and I'm using all my energy and strength to focus on my kids and this. So I hope you understand people would immediately, the walls would come down, so they go, oh, you actually have crap you're dealing with in life.

[00:31:13] And it's like, yeah, we all have crap we're dealing.

[00:31:15] We have problems.

[00:31:16] Yeah. I was really good at faking that I didn't have any, even to the point where my own family, I think didn't recognize how unhappy I was because I didn't show it to the people.

[00:31:31] I didn't show it to anyone. I kept that front of, I am perfect and wonderful and great and so happy. And life is wonderful. And part of that is, was me trying to convince myself of that as well. But the moment I found across the board, no matter where this is, whether it's professionally and you say, you know, I really don't know how to do this.

[00:31:58] Can you show me how to do it? Or this is something I have been struggling with. How do you handle it? And just taking that barrier down. And people then do start to see, oh, you know, back to that, you're doing the best that you can. We're all doing our best, but everyone's best is going to look different because we are all at a different starting point at dealing with different things in this moment.

[00:32:27] For example, some people 2020 is an amazing wonderful year and for some people enjoyed it right. And for some people 2020 is a horrible, stressful year, but wherever it is we fall, the commonality is we're all doing the best we can, even though that looks different.

[00:32:51] I love it. I'm taking notes cause I'm gonna come back to that. Cause I want to get to this, you're saying so much, it's so good. So you talked about, when you would look at people and say, you know, they're giving crap and you could judge people harshly because you judged yourself harshly.

[00:33:09] Yes.

[00:33:09] Does that make sense?

[00:33:10] Yes.

[00:33:11] And when you learn to give yourself grace, then now you can extend grace to other people because when you can finally admit, I'm not that happy.

[00:33:23] Yes.

[00:33:23] You know, and I'm exhausted from pretending to have it all together. That's one, admitting that then two, now I'm going to extend myself grace, and then you can clearly see other people.

[00:33:39] Yes, and I had recognized that on a conscious level at some point, and I had forgotten it. I'm glad that you pointed that out. And that is really the key is that until I was willing to extend grace to myself, I couldn't extend it to others. And so I do operate more from that place now. And again, that is so freeing because I no longer have to worry.

[00:34:05] I don't care if you are giving your best effort. It doesn't matter to me. My assumption is you're doing the best that you can, and I'm going to operate from that place. And in the same way it does require me. And I have to remind myself of this every single day yesterday, for example, I was supposed to go running with a friend and she bailed and I was like, well, I should really go by myself, but you know what?

[00:34:35] I don't want to. I just wanna sleep a little bit longer today. So I slept. And then I was like, Ugh, now I'm getting my day started. I haven't done anything physically active, which for me is really important to my mindset too. And now I just feel like I'm starting the day off on the wrong foot and, and I had to stop myself and go, okay, now I'm going into that tape of beating myself up again and I need to give myself grace.

[00:35:00] It's okay to rest. It is okay to take time and to recuperate and recover and literally sleep instead of run, you have to do what you need to do.

[00:35:14] Yeah. Give that as we're coming to a close, the last question. What one or two things can women do today that would give them a shift in their life?

[00:35:30] One thing I would say is start asking yourself the question, what do I actually want? So when someone asks you from something as small as, where do you wanna go out to eat? Instead of thinking, well, where is everyone else going to be happy, really ask yourself.

[00:35:54] Yes.

[00:35:55] What do I want? Because honestly, It's twofold. One, you're doing yourself a disservice and two, you're doing those around you a disservice too, because just as much as we want to make other people happy, other people also want to make us happy. Not that our happy. We can't make other people happy and they can't make us happy, but there's still that desire to help other people be happy.

[00:36:22] And I recognize too that I'm setting a really, really bad example for my kids when I don't connect with. And if they can't trust me to be honest about what I want and be truthful, how can I expect them to learn to do that? And so I think that that is one key thing.

[00:36:40] And as just, you go through your day, just be more mindful. About why am I making the choices I'm making? Why am I doing the things that I'm doing and what is it that I want? And I would say that the second thing is really just what we just talked about, giving yourself grace. Letting go, because if you're listening to this, you're probably someone who pushes yourself harder than anyone else is going to push you.

[00:37:08] And it is okay to give yourself grace and not beat yourself up. Talk to yourself nicely the way you would speak to your best friend.

[00:37:22] I love it. I love it. One more thing, cause you said something that was so good. People typically surrender their happiness to make other people happy. And then other people surrender their happiness to make the next person happy.

[00:37:37] So everybody's trying to make each other happy, now nobody is happy. So when you make your happiness your priority, you don't put that burden on somebody else.

[00:37:49] Yes.

[00:37:50] Does that make sense?

[00:37:51] Mm-hmm , mm-hmm .

[00:37:52] So preach on that a little bit. Well, I'm not saying preach, but can you expand on that? I know you have some beliefs in that.

[00:37:59] Yeah, no, you have to take ownership of your own happiness, you really do. And I think that, It's setting that example and it's trust it really is trust. So in a relationship, whether it's with my children, they need to trust that I am not saying one thing and feeling another.

[00:38:23] Yes.

[00:38:24] Because that creates all kinds of confusion and they're gonna end up being like this dysfunctional mess of, I was trying to make my mom happy and she was saying one thing and she was doing another. And I could tell, even though her words were saying something, your body language doesn't lie and, people around you can pick up on it. And that gets back to, you know, you talking about the two pictures side by side.

[00:38:50] One is, I'm faking happiness on the outside, but you can see into my soul that I am unhappy versus being truly happy. And I think that we owe that to each other, to take responsibility for our own happiness, because no one knows what's going on inside our head. We have to do that. And I feel like I wanna share.

[00:39:10] So I do in fact have a wonderful boyfriend and one of the things that he said to me that I really, really valued. And I was like, okay, you're amazing. Was he said, you add to my happiness, not you make me happy. It's, I'm responsible for my own happiness and you're adding to it. And I think that that's what we should all be doing for each other is adding to our own happiness rather than being responsible for other people's happiness.

[00:39:45] Okay. One more thing. So, and we'll be quick about it. The thing about getting healed. If you're broken, it's law of attraction you're going to attract broken people.

[00:39:57] Yes.

[00:39:59] But as you choose, cuz it's a decision to do the work. And become whole, you'll start to meet people who are also whole, who had the conversation of you add to my happiness and not engulf you and suffocate you because you're actually happy.

[00:40:15] So they're trying to plug their accord into your light bulb and drain your life. And you'll be able to see them more clearly because you can have the conversation and because you're in tune with how you feel. So what are your thoughts on that?

[00:40:29] I 100% agree with you. And actually that's another key point in talking about what can people take away and start being aware of is starting to be aware of, okay, is this relationship, do I walk away from this interaction feeling drained or feeling energized and becoming aware of where are people on a very energetic level?

[00:40:57] To your point, sucking you dry versus adding to, because I think that.

[00:41:04] Friendships included.

[00:41:05] Friendships included, yes, you have to do an inventory because we don't have time for those draining toxic relationships. And sometimes that even extends to family, and, you know, we can't control other people.

[00:41:25] We can't be so happy that people think we're on drugs that it'll make them want to be as happy. And until they're ready to be in that place. So you have to find ways to protect yourself from being drained by other people. And sometimes that means putting boundaries around your relationships, but I think that's a healthy thing in all honesty, I think that was probably my number one issue before I did all of my work was not having those healthy boundaries in place and being willing to have difficult, uncomfortable conversations with people to protect my own wellbeing. And that is what I do now. And it makes a world of difference.

[00:42:11] That's the gem. Like if we have to wrap up this whole conversation at the end, you drop the mic pow!

[00:42:18] Boom.

[00:42:19] So Lauren tell the listeners what you're working on and how they can connect with you.

[00:42:23] Yeah. So you can find me at my financial planning site is PlanWellBeWell.com. I'm also on Instagram at PlanWellBeWell you mentioned at the beginning and we didn't really talk about it too much, but I also having gone through divorce, I have a business where we work to help women navigate that divorce process and it's called the graceful exit and it's GracefulExit.com and again, on Instagram at TheGracefulExit.

[00:42:50] And then if you want to hear more from me you can also listen to my podcast. It's called Life Rebalanced and we're on Instagram at Life_Rebalanced. So any of those places.

[00:43:05] I love it before we close out, you were doing the financial planning, but once you move through your process very quickly, cause it doesn't take that much. It's just the small tweaks, right? That are gonna give you the massive results. Then you became overwhelmed with opportunity because the thing, your passion project started to topple on top of you, but you had opened up your energy where you were no longer worried about financial supporting yourself.

[00:43:35] So that business kind of went on autopilot where you weren't chasing clients, they were coming to you. You were being introduced to people and then you started networking at higher levels. And now you have enough room to now go do what you're really passionate about.

[00:43:50] Absolutely. And they all fall in line with each other in the same vein, which is helping women become the best version of themselves.

[00:44:01] I feel like, you do that from the internal and I'm maybe more focused on the external, like tactile here are the financial things you need to do. Here are the people you need to help you support you through divorce. Here are the tips, tools, and things to balance all the things you're doing in life.

[00:44:20] And to your point, I think that when, yes, when you are in a different space, you are attracting different things, just like you're attracting different relationships. You're attracting different business opportunities. And I think. Once you start getting yourself grounded and in alignment, all of those other things fall into place. Exactly as they're supposed.

[00:44:47] Magic.

[00:44:47] Mm-hmm.

[00:44:48] All right, Lauren. Thank you so much.

[00:44:49] You're welcome.

[00:44:50] You know, we can be on this podcast for two hours, so thank you so much for investing your time with us today and hope to see you soon. Take care.

[00:44:56] Thank you for joining us. Be sure to subscribe to this podcast and leave us a review if you love this episode, follow Christy on Instagram and LinkedIn, and don't forget to get her free gift by texting "changenow" all one word. Again, "changenow" to 66866 until next time, go out and win bigger.