Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I am Darlyn

Childress. I am your host of this podcast, and I'm also

a life and parenting coach. And I was going to

title this episode Thanksgiving shit show,

but I decided that maybe that was a little too

negative. So I instead titled it in an aspirational way,

which is a calm Thanksgiving with kids. And so I wanna talk

about how to prepare

yourself and your family for Thanksgiving,

which happens next Thursday. And so that's why I did I'm doing

this episode this week so that you have a little bit of time to actually

think about what Thanksgiving could look like.

It might be helpful for you to think a little bit about previous

Thanksgivings and how they went and notice maybe if you wanna

change some things and and think through kind of like, oh, yeah. That was

sort of a shit show last year, so let's figure this out. Now this is

especially true with littler kids. I remember when my kids were

little, Thanksgiving was just rough. And I have

10 nieces and nephews, Zeus, and my son is the youngest of the

nieces and nephews. And so I had a lot of experience having Thanksgiving

with kids when I was just an aunt. And, so I just

always noticed that Thanksgiving was somewhat challenging

for children and somewhat challenging for adults. It is sort of a

weird day. So I wanna normalize at first, like, what

goes on on Thanksgiving in case you forgot. Because

the first thing is that, like, kids seem to get in trouble a lot

during Thanksgiving. They're kind of mischievous. They're in that backroom where they're not

supposed to be. They're into stuff they're not supposed to go to, especially if it's

at someone else's house or someone that they don't go to very

often. If they see their cousins and their, you know, or their, your

friends' kids, and they don't quite know how to play with those kids or

whatever. They they tend to feel a little bit confused

about the boundaries in a space, and they also

don't necessarily have access to all their favorite toys. And the day is kind of

long, and it drags out, and all the adults are focused on watching football and

the or cooking or whatever. So kids are kind of bored.

They're left to their own devices. They get into trouble.

And so that sort of then every time you're interacting with your child during

Thanksgiving, it's like, where why are you in here? What are you guys doing?

Or I told you to stop it. You know? We kinda feel like we're just

constantly monitoring their behavior. So that's part of why it's so

frustrating the kids are getting in trouble a lot. I wanna help you

strategize that, but I wanna help you remember that, like yeah. Okay. So it

kind of is busybody kids. They're in they're mischievous. They're

in trouble. Sometimes they act out

towards extended family. Like, they're grumpy towards extended

family. They don't wanna say hi. They don't wanna

greet their uncle they haven't seen in a while. They act shy.

They're rude, quote, unquote, rude. We that's an adult

value. So, really, for children,

Thanksgiving is a bit overwhelming for them. It's

emotionally overwhelming, and they can also sense

possibly your nervousness sore. You're overwhelmed or you're stressed,

and they're borrowing your nervous system. And your nervous system's like, oh

my god. I haven't seen my mom in 6 months, and I can't stand her.

Or my sister's gonna show up, and she's gonna be like this and whatever. Right?

You might have some anxiety. You might have some some big feelings that

you're working really hard to suppress, and your child is,

you know, feeling that too. And so they're also

feeling emotionally overwhelmed and possibly unsafe

in that environment. And so they're borrowing like, they're looking at you, and they're

like, are we okay? And you're like, I don't know, kid. And so then they're

gonna feel anxious. They might not, you know, be

polite and be sweet and, like, go give everybody a hug and be the

cute little one or maybe they were last year, and this year, they're not acting

that way. And so that can kinda feel embarrassing for us.

Also, they don't have great table manners. Kids take a long

time to learn table manners. Just fork

food versus finger food is a confusing concept to

children. They don't quite understand stand why

spaghetti is a fork food and chicken nuggets

is a finger food. Like, they don't get it. They don't care how dirty their

hands get or whatever. So sometimes our kids don't have good

table manners. Sometimes they act out at the

table. They don't wanna sit at the table, and they don't

want to participate in what everybody is doing. They don't want the eyes

on them. They don't wanna answer the what are you grateful for question.

And they shut down or they have a meltdown.

And, really, I want you to see that they're just overwhelmed. They're

emotionally overwhelmed, and they they don't know what's right and

what's wrong. They don't know how to behave, especially

if you haven't been practicing, you know, table manners every night for weeks weeks.

They're gonna be like, I don't I don't know. And then, also, a lot of

times, kids don't even wanna eat the Thanksgiving food. And there's a

lot of pressure on kids to, like, eat it. Grandma made it. This is the

sweet potato pie we always have. Come on. And your kid's like, I have

never eaten anything like this in my whole safe. Why would I start today in

the middle of this scene with all these people around? Like, no.

So your kid may not participate in this

meal or they might only wanna eat bread. They don't understand what

stuffing is. Like, if you do the traditional foods, then they might feel

like, oh, no. Thank you. Right? The other thing that's funny about

Thanksgiving is that there's a lot usually a lot of appetizers. Serious. Like, there's

just a ton of food before the meal. And so your kid may have actually

already gotten full and over not

overeaten, but, like, isn't hungry by the time the meal comes. And

then they don't eat that, but then they're hungry for pie. And you're like,

what? You know? You didn't eat it. You don't get to have pie.

You know? If you don't eat this, you're not having pie. I just kinda want

you to drop the rules around food for the day just for yourself.

Like, you're, passing on some traditions,

some values, some culture cultural experiences that you

care about, and that's all you're doing is exposing your child to those

things. You don't need them to buy in and participate in every

aspect of it. So these things that happen with

kids, they're misbehavior. They don't always act well with

the adults around them. They don't necessarily participate

in all of the, the the traditions that you have,

and that feels really chaotic as a parent.

That can feel really overwhelming for you, and you can start to feel

embarrassed and judged by the other parents, by your parents,

by, you know, your sip your siblings. If you go to someone else's,

like, extended family, you know, that you don't see very often, you're like, they never

act like this. I'm so sorry. We can start to feel really embarrassed.

And I want you to remember that this day is just about

your your the one day. Like, it's fine. However your kids show up,

it's going to be a bit of a shit show. It just is. So the

more you're, like, cool with yeah. I guess they don't wanna say what

they're thankful for. No problem. Move on. Just don't put all that

pressure because then it's gonna And then you're gonna have a meltdown, and then

you were probably gonna have to leave the table. If your kid is melting down

and they're, like, overwhelmed, that's okay. Let's go take a pause

break together. Let's go coregulate with them. Let's go spend

some time reconnecting and giving them some,

ability to to see your eyeballs and to feel safe with you

and to know that they're okay and then offer a solution. Do you

wanna sit next to me? Do you wanna sit on my lap? Do you think

you're ready to go to the kids' table? You know? Maybe you're done with the

meal. Maybe you'd like to go sit living room for a few minutes by yourself

and read a book. Like, allowing some flexibility

in the day can buy you time later, can

Bayou be, you know, ease later?

So stopping what you're doing instead of pressuring your child to

participate, instead pausing, reconnecting

and then going back into the circumstance. So that's one of the first

solutions. In the moment, what to do is

to pause and regulate with your kid. Go connect. So

it's calm connect. Right? Go and connect with your kid.

Alright. So let's think about how to that's kind of in the

moment intervention while you're there. But, like, how can we help you? How can

I help you prepare for that experience? So

the first thing I want you to think about is just think through the

day itself. You know, if you think

about a teacher with preschoolers or elementary school or even a middle

school, high school teacher, right, they're sort of thinking about

the day of, you know, how their classrooms are gonna run. So

especially an elementary school teacher who has the kids all day, there

like, alright. So we're gonna start with this activity, then we're gonna do a little

quiet activity, then we're gonna do a whole group activity, then we're gonna go outside,

get our energy out. We're gonna come back in. So, like, children are

used to having a lot of structure, and they're used to having a lot of

flow, like breathing in, breathing out. Right? You know, quiet

and then big and loud. That flow is

very regulating to their nervous system. And

so I want you to start to think about their day.

What is it going to be like? And then make a little bit of a

plan. Like, what time are you leaving? When do they need to start getting

ready? Or if it's if you're hosting, like, you

know, what's their morning like? Are they gonna watch TV by themselves.

If yes, they're probably gonna be dysregulated afterwards. Who's

gonna be the coregulating adult? Who's gonna help them go in and out of

these activities. If it's not you, it probably needs to be somebody else

or you're not gonna be hosting. Right? If it's just

you and your small family and it's like a normal day, then you might not

need to be so structured about it. But if you're taking your

kids to something or you're having 20 people

over. I want you to think about what that experience is gonna be like for

your child. And then nor no. Like, thinking

through the day and noticing when the hard parts might

be for your child or your children

and then actively deciding in

when can I intentionally connect, or when can I do big body

movement, or when can I do a little bit of a of a

fun, you know, structured activity throughout this day in

order to make there be less chaos?

Right? Because your child is going to need

connection and coregulation. Right? They're gonna have their their

their little young nervous systems or even if they're older, like, they're

bored and they're just, like, you know, checked out. That is almost

easier then, you know, the chaotic running around of little kids under

10. So we're gonna think about the structure of the

day and then deciding when are the 2, 3

times that I'm going to intentionally pop

in, do a little activity with them, go for a walk,

play a game, do a craft, draw

something. So maybe you have a couple of ideas

of things that you're gonna do that day with them, and you're gonna kinda think,

okay. When should I do those? That way, it feels like you

have some plan. It's not so chaotic.

So for example, before everything begins,

your child is probably gonna need some time,

not 1 on 1, but like you and your kids where you're really focused on

them. It can be you and all of your children, or it can be 1

on 1 where you're sitting together. You're playing

something. You've built, like, a LEGO set, or you've

done a little tea party for the dolls. You've played Barbies, or you've built a,

you know, a train truck or a Hot Wheels truck. You've done some

sort of thing or you've played a game. You've played a round of candyland or,

you know, play a game of cards. Some sort of

small connection activity that you do with

your kids before you get into the

group dynamic because that fills your little kid's

bucket up. It will go a long way. A little connection

buys you a lot of compliance, which is cool.

I don't mean compliance like obedience. I just mean easy, following directions,

feeling good, not being mischievous, so doing

something. So we wanna do something before the

festivities. We wanna do something in the middle, like I said, kind

of a a punctuation mark, a a point in time

where you're like, okay. I'm gonna gather all the children, and we're gonna play, you

know, red light, green light outside. We're gonna, you know, do a

a head, shoulders, and knees, and toes. Like, we're gonna do something. We're

gonna, now this time, we're gonna do an activity. So

something structured that you pull in the middle of the

the the hubbub. Now you're not gonna maybe

wanna do that because you're gonna wanna be talking to the other adults.

But I really kinda wanna sell you on the idea that if

you invest a little bit of time in the middle I mean, sorry, in the

beginning, and you invest a little bit of time in the middle, you're going to

get more time on the back end. Like, throughout the day,

you'll have better connections with everybody else because your children won't be bothering

you so much. So before the

festivities in the middle of the hubbub. And then I wanna recommend

before the meal that you do some sort of big body

movement. So jumping on the trampoline, going for a walk if

the weather's okay. If not, doing a dance party in another room, turning

it on, you know, take getting a balloon,

blowing a couple balloons up and batting them around. And, you know, you know, the

floor is all the floor is lava, and you're trying to keep the balloons off

the ground. Anything that kinda gets kids sort of excited.

My, my friends, they used to play this game

with with all the kids at Thanksgiving called statue. And so

they would, you know, be playing music, and then they'd

freeze, almost like freeze dance, but then they'd be at a statue, and the child

set to pose. And then we'd have to, like, walk around and guess what they

are, and everyone would giggle. So just kinda bringing in some

connection with the kids, some adult led activity.

In the middle of the hubbub and the right before the meal, moving that big

that body, It gets all the wiggles out, and then maybe they won't need to

wiggle so much at the table. So then you can actually have maybe

7 to 10 minutes of sitting there. I was

thinking about, like, how long should kids sit at the table

at Thanksgiving? Like, what's the expectation? And I was like, probably a minute per

age. So if you have a 5 year old and you get them to sit

at the Thanksgiving table for 5 minutes, giant win.

If you have a 7 year old, they say 7 minutes. Amazing.

You got a 15 year old. They say 15 minutes. Total win.

So I was just thinking that that's kind of a good benchmark, actually.

Okay. So you have your plan, your structure, kind of

broad strokes of, like, what the day is like for them. You've decided when

you're gonna pop in with some sort of connection and activity.

K? So that's one strategy. The second

thing I want you to do is spend time

this week or the beginning of next week really

presetting your nervous system. This is something I'm gonna

teach at the, Calm for the Holidays event that

I'm hosting in a couple of weeks. But I've get I've created this

guide, calm for the holidays guide, where I talk a lot about

your nervous system. And I've put together 20

plus exercises of ways that you can,

you know, activate your parasympathetic

nervous system. So what that means is that your stress

response is your sympathetic nervous system, and then that's where all

the cortisol gets pumped and all the adrenaline and epinephrine and all

that. And then what we need is for our parasympathetic

parasympathetic system. Sorry. Parasympathetic nervous system

to activate in order to calm that stress response.

And it's like a teeter totter or a seesaw. So

as one is up, sympathetic nervous system, parasympathetic is down.

And then we slowly activate our parasympathetic, and it lowers

our stress response. So you can spend time

this week training your parasympathetic nervous

system to activate faster so you don't stay in stress

as long, which is super cool.

So this episode comes out. You can already get the holiday guide.

You go to my website, calmmama coaching.com

holiday guide. And you will see it right there. It pops up.

And download that because I have all the exercises of how to

preset your nervous system. Let me give you some of the ideas.

In general, I want you to start thinking about regulating

your nervous system throughout the week, like, taking time to

do, going for a walk, listening to music,

sitting, you know, sitting down, drinking your coffee,

really, doing small things that delight you.

And then in the workbook, I have a bunch of very specific

exercises that you can do with your body. So what I want you to be

thinking about is, hey. This day, Thanksgiving, it might be

stressful for me. So I'm gonna do some really good things to take

care of myself in advance. And on Thanksgiving

Day, in the morning, I'm gonna

really take time to calm my stress response and dump

some of that cortisol. For me, personally,

a vigorous exercise does dump some of that cortisol.

That doesn't work for everybody. So for some of you, you need to do something

gentler. You need to go for a walk. You need to do yoga. You need

to do some stretching. You need to do some of the exercises that are in

the workbook in the calm holiday guide.

So presetting your nervous system will help you a ton,

especially I promise, especially

if you're hosting this meal or you're cooking a bunch

because you're gonna feel more stressed, and so you're gonna need to proactively

get that stress juice out so that you can lower your set point.

So really thinking about how can I take excellent care of

myself this week? Do I need to be journaling? Do I need to be

praying? Do I need to do something fun? Do I need to spend Wednesday night

maybe with some gal pals, you know, chit chatting with them? Do I need

to do my baking after they go to bed or whatever feels

really soothing to you to do that. Okay.

So we have our having our plan. We have presetting our nervous system. These are

the 2 strategies. And then the other 2 are more around mindset.

So the first one is imagining future you.

So I like to think about, like, 10 years from now, you

know, 10 Thanksgivings from now, I

know you are not going to say, jeez. I wish I had

spent less time with my kids. You're not

gonna say, I wish we had done fewer things as a family.

You're not gonna say, I wish I had been more stressed about my turkey.

I wish I had been more stressed about how the table looked.

I wish I woulda yelled at my children more. Like, you're never gonna say that.

Right? You are going to say 10 years from now,

I wish I had been more present. I

wish I laughed more. I wish I savored

and enjoyed my time as a mom. You'll be thinking, I can't

believe how fast it went. You'll look at pictures 10 years from now and be

like, wow. That was you know, that does not feel like that long

ago. And I don't want you to have those

regrets. I don't want you to be in that regretful state.

So instead, I want you to choose right now

how you wanna reflect back on this time, how you wanna show up.

If you have this perspective, what what's cool about it is that

it'll help you get out of thinking things need to be perfect in order

to be good, that there needs to be no problems

in order for it to be enjoyable. Problems are coming. Meltdowns are coming.

Chaos is coming. Thanksgiving is a bit of a shit show, especially if you have

a dysfunctional family at all. Right? And

so you don't wanna get trapped in those that, like, again,

this was terrible. I'd rather you think, yeah. You know

what? That wasn't, like, ideal, but I'm glad I was

present for it. I'm glad I smiled at my child. I'm glad that

we got to enjoy that meal. Really wanted you to think

about how you how future you

wants you to enjoy today. What does future

you want? Future you wants to be able to figure out

how to enjoy this time right now. And that

means that, like, the moment where your kid is tearing through

the hall with a roll of toilet paper screaming, Geronimo.

And your mother in law's, like, giving you the side eye, and you're, like, filled

with all that embarrassment and shame. That's the moment

instead of rushing in and correcting your child and,

you know, criticizing and and and performative parenting.

I want you to think about how future you might think of this moment.

The the future person is probably gonna be like, this is

gonna be quite a story. Oh my god. They're they'd, like, found the toilet

paper, and they're crazy, and it's insane. And that is so silly.

Like, I want you to find that lightness and that laughter and that joy

because these it's only one day of your life. It's just

Thanksgiving. Seeing it's not like the end all be all

of everything. So you can find the lightness in it. Find the

joy. That leads me to the last topic is chasing the

feeling. So I always ask myself before

an event. I always say, how do I wanna

feel while I'm in that experience? What

feeling am I chasing? Most of the time, my answer is joy.

But sometimes it's ease. Sometimes it's safety.

Sometimes it's empowerment. Right? Sometimes

it's, contentment. I have different things

that I wanna chase. But for the most part, for me, it's joy.

So I wanna name the feeling that I'm going for

in this event, in this day. Because the

truth is you cannot get something unless you know what you

want. You can kinda tell when you're not getting what you

want because you're unhappy, but how do you reframe it? How do you

switch back in order to get what you actually want?

That is the intentional thinking. That's what life coaching is about. It's

like mindset work. It's not bypassing your

negative emotion. You are gonna feel at times. I want you to allow

that frustration, but try to switch towards that new

feeling by changing your perspective slightly.

As I'm gonna give you some thoughts to borrow. But what I want

you to practice is how to find out if I wanna

feel joy at Thanksgiving, skipping, what do I need to be thinking

in order to feel joy? And I like to

think things like, I like my

kids. I enjoy being with my family.

I like this meal. This is a this

is fun. I I find thoughts in

advance, and I actively choose to think them. So

I encourage you to do that. Write out 5 thoughts that you

wanna be thinking during Thanksgiving. I love to

have my clients write them out in the notes program on their phone or Google

Keep or something, screenshot it, make that your wallpaper, then you can look

at it whenever you're looking at your phone. So that's what I I like to

do. So here's some thoughts that I'm gonna offer to you. The first

one is my favorite thought. I didn't even know that it was,

like, I made this up when the kids were, like,

under 5. And it is this.

Peace and harmony are more important

than stress and perfection. Sometimes I say, I

choose peace and harmony over stress and

perfection. And so when I am

in a frustrated place, I actively

think, I choose peace and harmony

overstress and perfection. And then I figure out how can I chase

peace? How can I chase joy? What would joy look

like in this moment? What would peace look like? What would harmony look

like? And I I go towards those

actions. Instead of doubling down on stress and

perfection and and arguing and and trying to

convince everybody to do it my way and pressure the children and all of

that. So that's one of the thoughts that I wanna offer to you

that I use all the time. The other one, you know I say

this a lot, but it's I always have permission to pause.

I think our brain, especially women, especially

moms, we don't think we can. We don't think we can take care of

ourselves. We kind of convince ourselves that everyone else's needs are more important,

and we just stick in the moment. We try to keep solving the

problem, but our nervous system, our stress response is screaming

at us. Danger. Danger. Danger. Threat. Threat. Threat. And we

can shut down or we can overactivate. So we can over or

underactivate. So in that moment, teaching

yourself. Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna go take a

break. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go outside.

I'm gonna drink some water. I haven't eaten. I'm gonna go have a cheese and

cracker. Right? I'm gonna try that, you know,

that really yummy dip that my brother brought or whatever. So you're gonna

pause. You're gonna go take care of yourself. That's

mine. I always have permission to pause.

3rd thought that I use all the time, honestly, is this is

temporary. Like, Whatever

is happening, it's not forever. This helps me get

out of my worst case scenario. It helps me get out of my anxiety, and

it helps me get into this moment to be more present.

This is temporary. I'll miss these shenanigans one

day. Right? This is only one day in the long life

of me and my kids. It's 1 Thanksgiving.

Fine. Right? It's temporary. So that's the thought

you can borrow. Another one I wanna leave you with is

kids misbehave, and that's normal. I wanna leave

you with this idea. Well, actually, I have 2 more ideas. I'm sorry. I

lied. The kids behave this is normal is really

important because you, especially if no one else has kids in your family. Like, if

you're, like, the first or, you know, other people have kids that are older than

your kids. Like, everyone forgets how difficult 5 year olds

are. Like, kids misbehave. They have big feelings

that they don't know what to do with, and it shows up through behavior.

They have big energy they don't know what to do with. They have big

thoughts they don't know what to do with. Like, if I take these

cars to the top of the stairs and I zoom them down, they'll

probably fly. That's a big thought. Right?

So there's all sorts of things that little children don't understand, and that's why they

misbehave. It's totally normal. Meltdowns are totally

normal. Your kids, you're gonna bring your same exact children

to Thanksgiving that you had the day before and that you're gonna have tomorrow.

They're not gonna become magical unicorn children today, so you don't have

to expect that of them. You just go with the flow. Like, yeah. I know.

They have meltdowns, and they cry for a bit, and then they stop. Or,

yep, kids misbehave. It's no problem. I've got it.

So you can just kind of normalize behavior,

normalize what's happening. The

last thought, this is truly the last thought I wanna leave you with,

is the concept of cycle breaking. I never really talked about on

the podcast. But if you came from a

dysfunctional family or a family where your emotions

were not allowed, if you were not validated and seen as a

child, if you didn't feel safe to express your

big feelings, and you are now creating an environment for

your children where they can be securely attached

to you no matter how they

act, no matter how they show up in the world, you're

creating this attachment within their

authentic self, like, who they are, and you unconditionally

love and accept them, and you didn't have that

growing up. You are breaking a cycle,

and it is hard because you're rewiring your brain while

you wire your kids. Right? So you're

doing this hard work of, like, pause and reset in, you

know, default getting rid of your default limiting beliefs and your default

thinking and all of that so that your kids don't have to grow up with

all that baggage. Right? So they don't have to heal. I always say

you're healing the next generation in advance. So you're doing

that hard work, but guess what? You go back to your family of origin,

it is going to be challenging. And so I want you just to remember,

you are breaking cycles. I am a cycle breaking parent,

and that is hard but important, and I can do it. I will

not dump my feelings on my kids. I am an

amazing mom right now exactly as I am.

And that those are the thoughts I want you to have this week as you

head into Thanksgiving. Again, I invite

you to get the calm for the holidays

work guidebook. It is a guidebook

that has all of the ways to help your nervous system

get into out of stress, out of sympathetic, and into parasympathetic.

I'm also gonna help you do this thought work on how to

retrain your brain, how to get rid of those default thoughts, and

then how to manage your calendar for the holiday season.

So this workbook is super, super valuable. It's really a guidebook,

and it's free. It's my gift to you. It's my holiday

gift to you. So I would like, you know, encourage you to go on the

website, get it, call mama coaching.com. Download it.

If you love it, share it with your friends. And but, you know,

have them go to the website so they can also get connected to the

this event, into the podcast, into the newsletter,

into all the things. Okay? If you're not in the

newsletter, I highly recommend it. On Tuesday, I just sent out in an

email about how to, well, next Tuesday, I'm sending out an email

on cultivating gratitude and, all the presetting

your nervous system. All the things are also in the newsletter. So highly

recommend you connect to the to my

world and get that, that holiday guide,

call mama coaching.com. Alright. So moving

forward, thinking about this week, I'd like you to, just

as a recap, think through your day, figure out when you're gonna

support your kids, preset your nervous system,

imagine future you, and then chase the feelings.

Those are your tasks for the week. Alright, mamas.

Have a great Thanksgiving, and I will talk to you next

time.