📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 Have you ever wanted to be more dominant, but you weren't really sure where to start with it? So today's video, we're going to go over different vibes or different modes to being the more dominant partner in a sexual scenario. And we're also going to go over how to create the container. So I was just talking to a client about this today and how important this idea of container is, which honestly applies to all aspects of your sex life.

So I'm excited to chat about this. So when we think about being the more dominant partner, we might think about Fifty Shades of Grey. We might think about, um, you know, a dominatrix in like a cat suit with like high heels and a whip. Um, we might think about bondage, like there's so many directions to go with it.

But I also think that some of those directions and images that we have in our mind are kind of intense and maybe advanced and, um, can kind of get in our way mentally of creating a really enjoyable experience for our partner, but also for ourselves. And this is something I personally relate to as well.

I remember, um, I had a partner who was like, Hey, I kind of want you to be in charge more often. And I thought, okay, yeah, I'm, I'm down for that. Um, and my idea of what that meant was more like, you know, you're going to get punished and you're going to get in trouble and I'm going to be like a hard ass basically.

Right? And his idea of what that meant was not that. He wanted more like, Oh, good boy. Like, here's your reward. Right. And we didn't know that until afterwards. So give yourself some grace with this. It's great if you're even like trying it out and having sort of a fail like I did, because Then you know how to kind of dial it in for next time.

So some of the dynamics you might want to try is sort of like a goddess and like a goddess worshiper. Um, and, and genders can be changed here. It doesn't matter who's in which role, but the idea that one of you is sort of like, okay, I'm going to be pampered. I'm going to be worshiped. Um, this person is here to make me happy.

This person is here for my pleasure. I don't have to worry about their pleasure. If it's like in sex, maybe normally you would think, Oh, like they've just gone down on me for 15 minutes. I should return the favor or, um, they were just fingering me. And so I, I should give them a hand job. You know, there's, there can, there can be a sense of obligation, a sense of duty.

And if you're trying sort of this like goddess and goddess worshiper dynamic, you could just let go of that. You can just think, no, I actually don't have to return the favor. This is about me. I can just request my next thing. I can say, go feed me some grapes. I can say, I would really love a foot rub right now, or I want you to suck on my toes or whatever it is that is your heart's desire in that moment.

Okay. So it does. And in this scenario, it's maybe not what you would typically think of in terms of. dominance in like power exchange, but there is a power differential, right? There's someone that's up here on a pedestal and there's someone that's down here worshiping them. That's all we need for a power exchange is a difference in power, a difference in status, a difference in roles.

Okay. So that is one form that we can, we can go with. Uh, another one is just feeling like you're the leader, right? So you're in charge, you're the decision maker. You might factor in the other person. And, and this is really what we see a lot when someone's in a dom sub dynamic. The dom isn't like dismissing the other person.

It's just like, Hey, I kind of make the final call. Like, let's discuss, you get to weigh in. I'm going to make the final call. And I also want to add that it's key here. These roles should be negotiated ahead of time when you're on equal footing. Do not negotiate your roles when someone's already up here and someone's down here.

Because then you're not really having true consent, right? If you're in this lower role, you might feel a sense of pressure or obligation to go with whatever the other person is saying. And I also want to add, negotiate the time frame. Is this going to be an ongoing role? Is this going to be something you're going to try for an evening?

And so we're going to, we're going to talk a little bit more about that. That's part of creating that container. But so yeah, you can think of yourself as a boss, as a leader, as a goddess. as a dominant. And then if you do want to get more intense with it, you can think of it as, you know, a master slave dynamic where, you know, I own you, you are my property.

I'm going to do with you what, what I will. I don't recommend starting with this one. I would start with some of the other ones. Um, and then I also want to add, there can be some role plays that can be a great way to sort of try on power exchange, especially if you're kind of like, I don't know if this is me.

I don't know if this is my thing. Maybe you pretend you're Catwoman. Maybe you pretend you're, um, some kind of badass superhero. Maybe you do like a teacher student role play or something like that where, you know, that's the power differential. Somebody is older. Somebody is more professional. Somebody, uh, can, this person can give consequences to the other person.

You know, this idea of punishment can be very fun. Um, where it's like, Hey, there are rules. And if you break these rules, Here's the consequences, right? As if you are the classroom teacher or you could be the jail warden or, you know, make up a scenario that's interesting to you. Bottom line, um, and have fun with it.

Right. And so, especially if you're kind of like, I don't like know how to like authentically get into this, a couple of suggestions about creating the container. Um, might help you shift into more of a dominant mode or help your partner shift into more of a dominant mode. So I would recommend a few things.

So when we talk about container, it's kind of like here's everyday life and here's this bubble we've created of exploring power exchange, exploring dominance, right? And so how do we create this bubble? We define the time. So we say there's a start time. Maybe you set an end time. Maybe you don't. You know, or maybe you kind of set like a maximum, like if we're not done by then, let's just call it.

Um, but so you have a time frame. You might want to put certain clothes on or take certain clothes off. So you can even play with the idea that the person who's more dominant maybe wears more clothing and the person who is more submissive to kind of create more of a vulnerable feeling for them and to kind of emphasize that power differential maybe is wearing less clothing.

Or maybe the dominant person has a riding crop or a whip or a paddle or some kind of implement. And maybe the submissive person is in handcuffs or is bound in some way. So you can, you can incorporate bondage with this if you want to. Um, and so you think how, how in terms of what we're wearing or implements we're using, do we want to create this container?

You can also create container with this idea of protocol. So protocols, I'm not an expert on this, but, um, the protocols can involve things like what position you're in. So maybe you have the submissive being a kneeling position or an all fours position, or maybe they are, you know, you're using some bondage and they're tied up somewhere.

Maybe you, um, as the dominant person are more, you know, standing up and kind of showing your authority through physically towering over the other person. Right. So posture. What we're wearing, start time. Um, and then if you want to say anything at the beginning, so do you want to somehow verbally commence?

We're commencing a power exchange dynamic right now. And then maybe you have something that ends it. So is there kind of a ritual or a phrase? Um, and that kind of points to what do you want to call each other during this experience? So maybe when you're not, when you're outside the container of power exchange and dominance, it's like, Hey babe, Hey babe, you want to go to the store?

Hey babe, you want to go to dinner? Hey honey, Hey sweet, whatever you call each other, right? Maybe you actually call each other their names. It's possible. Um, and maybe inside this, this container that you're creating of power exchange, maybe it's different. Maybe it is. hit master or slave, or maybe it is mister or mistress or madam or sir, right?

, or maybe it's goddess. Maybe you play with what feels most like you. Uh, maybe it's teacher, you know, if you're doing a teacher student role play, but that's another way to help create the container. So we have what you're wearing. implements you're using, if anything, what you're calling each other, the time frame.

And then I would also say have a safe word, right? Especially if this is something you're new to. And, and I want to also emphasize safe words are not just if you feel like physically concerned or at risk, but they are also if you feel emotionally off, right? So if you're feeling like, I don't really like what we're doing.

Like, like, I know we said we were going to do, um, this, like babysitter role play thing and like, this is really not working for me. I'm having like weird feelings. Call it sooner than you think, right? The second something is feeling like, uh, you know, I, and if you don't have a safe word system, um, you can start with red, yellow, green.

So red is just like, we're done. Over. We're not trying to like correct anything. Um, yellow is like, uh, something's off, you know? Um, and what I've noticed for myself, even though I'm an assertive person and a fairly confident person, and I teach people these things, is that I was in a scenario where something was feeling off, and I was like, oh, maybe it'll go away.

Uh, maybe it's fine. Uh, it's not like really hurting me. So like, uh, you know, and so then I took too long. Um, And I said yellow, finally, when it, my partner reflected back to me, when you said yellow, it probably should have really been red. And you should have said yellow way earlier. And he was right. And he was right.

So notice that. Be present with yourself during the experience and communicate and give each other permission at the beginning. Hey, if something feels off like this, let's just even have this be almost like a practice, you know? And if something's off, we're not going to like attach to it going a certain way.

We're just kind of. We're just going to try something and we're going to see what happens. So I would say like lower the stakes so that you can feel really free to communicate with each other. Okay. And then the other thing I will say is opt in to certain activities. So instead of saying, I don't want anything in my butt and I don't want to do anything with, you know, poop or pee or whatever, um, instead say, here's what I do want to do.

Right? I want you to spank me. I want you to call me, um, baby, or I want you to call me slave, whatever you decide, right? The particulars don't really matter. It's more about how do we, how do we create the structure and how do we communicate about it? So think about that too, you know, or like I want I want you to make me crawl around or I want you to tie Me up at some point and I want you to use silk stuff because I don't like the way rope feels on my skin So like be be specific right about like this this this would be really cool And if you want to go a step further you could even get into Why and like how you want to feel and how you think it might make you feel, you know And it could be I want you to go, you know, tell me to put a ball gag in my mouth You And I want you to, or I want you to just tell me to bend over and, you know, show you my butt, whatever it is.

Right. Um, I want you to just boss me around like that. And like, tell me certain things to do. And I think it might make me feel like very vulnerable, but like in a, in a turned on way or an exciting way. Okay. Great. Um, and as it's the dominant role, you also get to say how you want to feel. Right. Um, cause it's a really interesting dynamic being the dominant.

where you're in charge, but you're also like having to bear the responsibility of okay, so I'm kind of creating the dynamic. I'm doing more of kind of the mental work of how am I making my partner feel? Am I respecting their boundaries? Am I tuning into them and like signs that they might be uncomfortable?

Um, I have to come up with what happens next, right? It's kind of like a dance, like you're leading the dance. of this power exchange. Um, and then I also want to add power exchange doesn't always have to lead to sex or intercourse. It could just be fun to do this role play of like who's in charge and to try out different roles and different ways to be in charge.

Um, so I hope that that helps. I hope that just kind of gets your creative wheels spinning. If this is something that you're curious about or want to try with a partner, if you have questions, put them in the comments and we'll be sure to answer. Um, and if you have like Bigger questions about this. We do have our listener Q& A episodes for my Ask a Sex Therapist podcast.

So you can, um, visit heathershannon. co, uh, and go down into the footer and there'll be a section to ask a sex question. Um, thank you guys all so much for listening. Make sure to like the video and subscribe. So thank you everybody and I'll catch you next time

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