Welcome to Midlife with Brooke. I am your host, Brooke Oniki. I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ, a wife, mother, grandma, and a certified life coach. On this podcast, we talk about all things mothering, health and emotional wellbeing. I share practical tools and examples from my life and from the lives of my clients to help you navigate this new season of midlife. It can feel tricky and confusing and a little bit out of our comfort zone as our children grow up and they don't really need us in the same way. These concepts and principles have changed my life and I've watched them change the lives of my clients, and I hope that they can be helpful if there are things that you wanna change in your life. So let's get started. Hey, welcome to the podcast. Before we jump in, I just want to remind you that I'm doing a free webinar tomorrow, which is Tuesday, February 3rd, 2026. It's at 2:00 PM Mountain Time, and we will be talking about how to stay grounded in your relationships, how to befriend your nervous system so that you can have calmer relationships with your adult children. And I have lots of great information and ideas to share with you so that you can. Stay in a space that feels better to you, that you don't overreact to things that you don't fly off the handle or get passive aggressive, but you learn how to manage your emotions so that you can show up in a way that feels like you wanna show up. So I hope that you'll come. If you are on my email list, you've been getting emails about this, and so you can send me a message there, or you can just send me a message in my email at brooke@brookeoniki.com if you would like the link. That's tomorrow, February 3rd at 2:00 PM Mountain Time. this week on the podcast, I wanna talk about how to create safety because I need to feel safe in order to have meaningful conversations and relationships with the people that I love, and I also need to help create safety for them. Now, in the end, I can't actually. Give someone safety, but I can do a lot of things that will foster safety. So that's what we're gonna talk about, fostering safety in ourselves, and then also safety in other people. one of my friends told me a story this week about going skiing with her granddaughter, and she told me I could use it on the podcast. So her granddaughter is six years old and she's been skiing one time before. So they skied for a while until she felt like she was willing to go up on the ski lift. And so they went up on the ski lift together, and when she got off, she was. Totally dysregulated. She was screaming and crying and nervous and worried and really, really upset. So they went down a little ways and my friend was like, we aren't gonna, we're not gonna make it down the mountain like this. And so she went over and grabbed her and just held her in between her legs, you know, the little 6-year-old in her skis. And my friend holding her, and she called her by name and she said, are you safe? And her granddaughter said Yes. And then she asked, do you feel safe? And her granddaughter said, yes. But my friend wasn't convinced and she just said, are you sure? And she said, no, actually I don't feel safe. And so she said, let's breathe together. And so they started breathing and they just took deep breaths and she just held onto her. So there's some co-regulation there by being held by someone that feels safe to you, and then doing the deep breathing. And she said after a couple of minutes she calmed right down and then she said, I think I'm ready to go down. She went all the way down the rest of the mountain and then she didn't have any trouble the rest of the day. So my friend was just amazed that in this moment where she could hug her and create safety, something changed inside of her and she was able to do things that she wasn't able to do before. I love that story because my friend. was able to wrap her arms around this little girl, and help her breathe and regulate her nervous system so that she could also create safety within herself. So the first thing that we have to do in order to create safety is to notice our own dysregulation. the weird thing about dysregulation is we are dysregulated so often that we don't often even recognize that we are. let me give you a examples. Several years ago I was shopping with one of my daughters. She was looking for jeans. She had a very clear. Idea of the kind of jeans she wanted. And so we shopped. We went to store after store after store, and she couldn't find the ones that she wanted. And I could feel myself getting more and more uptight about it. Like now we've spent two hours shopping, now we've spent three hours shopping. And I found myself telling her, just buy those. They're close enough. That's good enough. And she was like, no, they're not the ones that I want. And I've realized since then, oh, I do this with my husband sometimes he has a hard time finding shoe sizes that fit him just right. And sometimes if we've been shopping for a while, I'm like, just get some, because I have some discomfort inside of me that says if we leave without purchasing something, it's been a waste of time. Instead of just thinking, isn't it great that she knows exactly what she wants? Or isn't it great that my husband is patient enough that he'll wait until he finds the shoes that he really wants, but because I have some discomfort that going home empty handed is a waste of time and that discomfort inside of me feels like it needs to be fixed. I think it will be fixed by buying something. So when I had this happen years ago, this Gene experience, it was just the beginning of my coach training and I. Realized when we got home that day, how fascinating that I wanted to manage my discomfort by buying something and that felt like that would fix it even though it wasn't what she really wanted. So that was an example of me noticing my own dysregulation, even though it was after the fact. I've gotten better over the years. I still. I don't always see it when it's happening, but just last week I was playing pickleball. I play in the mornings with some of the ladies in my neighborhood and I was on a time crunch because I needed to get home to watch my granddaughter. And so when we got there, some of the ladies were talking and visiting, and I could just feel myself getting. Really tense. Like you guys, we gotta start. 'cause I have to leave by eight 15 bugged that people were just talking and enjoying one another because I only had a certain amount of time, I could feel the elevation in my nervous system. So I noticed in the very moment that I was getting dysregulated and I just started telling myself, Just take a deep breath. Everything's gonna be fine. And I notice sometimes at pickleball I'll get anxious 'cause the score's close and my heart will race, which is so funny. Like it's not like we're in some important tournament or something, but there's just something about me that wants to win. And I think it's so fascinating. but noticing that dysregulation and just taking some deep breaths and even relaxing my shoulders. Trying to kind of go limp a little bit, where I just kind of relax all my muscles, allows me to just immediately sink into that slower pace where I'm not feeling so agitated and uptight. Sometimes when I'm scrolling on my phone and there will be different reels that will come up, news feeds, different posts that are contentious or hard to read. I will also feel my nervous system getting dysregulated, and so sometimes I need to stop doing those things. A couple of days ago, I had a situation where. Lots of things came up for me and I woke up feeling very dysregulated. And so in order for me to have a safe relationship with another person, I need to create safety in myself first. And there are so many ways that we can do it. We can do the deep breathing, we can do relaxing our muscles. One technique is what you call the ragdoll, where you just sit down in a chair and then just like lean over and let your head fall into your lap or in front of your knees and just let Your arms and hands dangle down to your feet and just go limp for a few minutes. That's a beautiful way to relax all of your muscles. There are lots of other things We can listen to music. We can. Walk or stretch, get out in sunlight. Make sure that we're getting enough water and staying hydrated. Eat a nourishing meal. Go take a nap, pray, read something edifying and uplifting. Study the scriptures. There's just a million things that we can do to self-regulate and on this day, recently when this happened. I did several of those things because sometimes when you feel very dysregulated, it might take more time. So I went on a five mile walk, no earbuds, just walked and walked and thought and took deep breaths and just allowed myself to process through some of the things that I was feeling. I did several other things. I made some phone calls. I did a couple things on my to-do list. Sometimes that can also help us doing something that's within our control, like cleaning a drawer or folding some clothes or, or making that call that you've been putting off, like scheduling a mammogram or something like that. Sometimes those underlying tensions when we let go of them can help us feel more regulated as well. So some of you might be saying, well, I don't actually have time to go on a five mile walk. I am at work, or I have kids, or I have all these responsibilities. So there are also other shorter ways that we can do things. We can co-regulate with another person. Sometimes just hugging someone and feeling them close to you or. Touching your heart with your hands, or even just rubbing your shoulder with your hand, some things that are more subtle that can allow us to feel safe or different safety cues like hold one wrist with your other hand for a minute, and just feel the pressure of holding onto your hand or pinch your fingers together and rub them a little. That allows us to get into our body and to feel the sensation of being in our body instead of in our head. I've used some examples on here like wiggling your toes and your shoes, right? That's something that you could do while you were in a meeting and maybe somebody says something that that feels enraging to you. That I can do things to just create movement in my body that will help my brain when it's feeling like it's going outta control. So learning to create safety in myself. Is essential. If I wanna create safety in a relationship with someone else, just like my friend said to her granddaughter, I can ask myself, am I safe? And then do I feel safe? And if I don't feel safe, what are some things that I can do to bring myself back to safety? And by the way, if you don't like the word safety, you can also use another word that feels better to you. You could use grounded or peaceful, or calm or at home. Or even I feel, okay, some word that feels good to you. I'm going to use safety today. And I actually like the word safety, but for some people, that's not their favorite thing. So in order to feel safe, I need to validate how I'm feeling, normalize it, and then give myself permission to feel whatever I'm feeling. And when I'm doing it with another person, I need to validate how they're feeling. Normalize it and give them permission to feel this is something we have to practice all day long. Sometimes you'll feel tension in your jaw, tension in your shoulders or in your back, right? And I can just go, oh, I'm feeling a little dysregulated right now. Can I relax my shoulders? Can I take a deep breath? Am I safe? I am safe, right? Do I feel safe? Can I settle in so that I can feel safe again? And we wanna just relax over and over and over again. I. Now let's move into creating safety before a conversation that you have with another person. First of all, I've learned from my own kids that if you don't care about other parts of their lives, they aren't really interested in sharing the stuff that feels hard for them. Like I've had a daughter tell me, if you only care about. Your kids' activity in the church, they're not gonna share their feelings about those things with you because it feels like you aren't really interested in them as a whole person. You're only interested in whether or not they're going to church, and that doesn't feel. Very safe. It feels judgemental. It feels disconnected. So if you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids and you want to have a deep and meaningful conversation with them, we need to practice, developing trust with them. Do you know about their work? Do you know about their interests, about their friends? Have you ever tried to learn anything about their interests or have you ever tried to get to know any of their friends? Do you remember things that are happening in their lives and maybe text 'em and say, Hey, I know you've got that test today, or, how did the interview go? Do you reach out to them and let them know that what's happening in their lives matters to you? If not, this could be a great place to start is building a relationship with them that's bigger than the things you wanna correct And so that might be the place that you have to start. But when you're ready to have a conversation, we want to start with safety in ourselves. So before we talk to our child, we need to pause and check in with ourselves. You can ask yourself, am I regulated enough to tolerate discomfort? Because if I'm having a. hard conversation. It's very likely that there will be some discomfort. Next, can I handle it if it doesn't go the way I hope? Right? If they don't respond the way that I dreamed they would or hoped they would, can I handle it? And third, am I open to listening or am I trying to control the outcome? If your body feels tight or braced, that's a signal that you may not be ready. You don't have to be perfectly calm, but you do need to be grounded enough that the conversation isn't carrying the weight of your anxiety. I, so here are some tips on how to have this conversation. Number one, lead with humility and shared humanity. So this might look like saying, I've been thinking about something and I wanted to talk it through with you, not because I've got it figured out, but I just wanna understand you better. Or something that I often say, I wanna talk to you about something because I sincerely want to understand where you're coming from and. I don't wanna get emotional, but if I do, I just want you to know I really am trying to understand and trying to figure it out, and I don't wanna hurt you and I don't wanna offend you, but I do wanna have an honest conversation. When we do this, it creates safety because it removes the sense of evaluation. It signals curiosity rather than correction, and it tells the nervous system. I'm not about to be judged. Right? And that feels safe to our kids. Another way to create safety is to express how much you care about them. So this could look like I care about our relationship and I wanna check in about something in a way that feels respectful to both of us, or you matter so much to me, so I don't wanna damage our relationship. But this is an important thing that I feel like I need to talk to you about. These create safety because it anchors the conversation in connection. It doesn't imply wrongdoing and it doesn't rush the outcome. A third option is to acknowledge uncertainty instead of control. So that might be saying something like, I'm not totally sure how to bring this up, but I'd rather be honest and avoid it. And we can go slowly. this creates safety because it removes the sense of being ambushed. It normalizes pauses, and it gives permission to stay or step back. Creating safety doesn't mean saying the perfect sentence. It means your child can feel that you're not trying to corner them or fix them or get a particular response. When the nervous system senses that defenses soften. there are also things you can do that cause our kids to feel unsafe in conversations. So I'm gonna give you five types of phrases that. Feel unsafe to anyone, not just our kids. Right? So We've done these things. We've said these things and just noticing and being aware can help us correct so that we don't keep doing things like that. So the first number one are phrases that signal you're about to be corrected. These often come from good intentions, but they put the other person on the defense, so phrases like, we need to talk about your behavior. I want to address something that's been a problem. You need to understand how this is affecting us. This can't keep happening. These don't feel safe because they signal evaluation and judgment before the conversation even begins, and the nervous system hears I am in trouble. number two, phrases that sound calm, but hide your need to control. These feel especially tricky because they're often said very calmly and with a measured tone. So examples would be, I just wanna explain our perspective. Hear me out before you respond. I need you to see our side. I'm saying this because I love you. These don't feel safe because they imply that the goal is persuasion and the nervous system senses pressure, even if your voice is gentle. Number three phrases that create fear of loss. Like, if I don't turn things around, I'm gonna lose my place in the family. I'm not gonna be accepted by my parents. I am going to lose their love. And my sense of belonging. So examples to avoid would be things like, we can't keep doing this as a family. This makes it really hard to want to include you. If things don't change, we'll have to rethink such and such. You're putting us in an impossible position. These don't feel safe because it makes connection feel conditional. So fear replaces openness. Like I remember when I was talking to Ally about the church, she said it's very common for parents to say, well, if you're not going to stay in the church, At least keep your faith in Jesus. And she said, it just makes me think. And if we don't, then what? Right. It feels very conditional. So that doesn't seem like it's a really bad thing to say, but it's interesting how it is received and how that can feel scary or conditional. And I don't think the problem is saying it as much as if I can create a safe place, then my child can tell me. That was hard for you to say that to me, and then we realize, oh, you're right. I can see how it would feel that way. And then you can talk about why do I feel like it's really important for you to stay close to Jesus and we can discuss that. I'm not telling you that you have to, but those are like my hopes for you. The important thing is that we wanna be able to have an honest conversation and that will only come if we feel safe. Number four, phrases that unintentionally invalidate internal experience. So these tend to escalate emotional intensity instead of calm it things like you are overreacting. This isn't that big of a deal. You're always taking things the wrong way. We're just trying to help these don't feel safe because they tell the nervous system your experience isn't valid. Right. If I'm feeling really hurt or upset and someone tells me I'm overreacting, right? It's like saying I think your feelings aren't valid, And that actually instills more dysregulation. So we just need to be careful about invalidating another person's experience. And number five, phrases that remove choice, even subtle language, can feel trapping. Examples like, we need to talk right now, or you have to understand this. This conversation has to happen. We can't avoid this anymore. These don't feel safe because they lack choice, and so that feels threatening so the body prepares to defend or escape. I think a good rule of thumb, if you're wondering if what you are about to say feels safe. You can just ask yourself, if my mom said this to me, would I feel safe or threatened? Now, sometimes people say, well, my mom said things to me and I just said, okay, and maybe for some people that's true. You are just that meek and that willing to take correction. But I personally. Have used this a lot and I realize, oh, I don't think I'd like my mom to say that. And so that helps me recognize what I wanna say to my own kids or to someone else that I love. So now we know how to approach a conversation and how not to approach a conversation. So let me give you some further guidance. Once you feel steadier, you can lead with reassurance. so instead of jumping straight into the issue, you might say, I'm a little nervous sometimes when I talk about things, I don't say it exactly like I want to. Or nothing about this conversation changes how much I love you or you're not in trouble. and I'm not trying to convince you of anything. Those words matter because they tell the nervous system. I'm being cornered, and when someone doesn't feel cornered, they can stay present in the conversation. You can also build safety. by offering choice even small choices. For example, you can say, is now a good time or would you rather talk later or Do you want me just to listen or are you open to my thoughts or. We don't have to solve this today. Choice Restores agency and agency calms the nervous system. Another thing that creates safety for both of you is to recognize that the conversation doesn't have to go perfectly. You might say we can pause. If it starts to feel like too much, we can come back to it later. It's okay if we don't agree. When people know they're not trapped in the conversation, they're much more willing to stay in it. And guess what? Even with all of this, your child might still dysregulate, and that is okay because the goal isn't to control them. The goal is to stop pretending and to quit being silent and building pressure. And to not carry it alone anymore. If it doesn't go well, and sometimes it won't. You can try again. I have had to say to my kids, I don't like the way this conversation went last week. Would you be willing to let me try again? Or would you be willing to have another conversation So now that we've talked about safety, let's go through an example from last week and add the safety component to it. So here's the situation. A parent's paying for an adult child. To go to college. They're paying their tuition, their rent, their books, and the child isn't going to class consistently. They're failing or dropping courses, and now they're asking for more money. So the parent feels anxious and frustrated and inside the thoughts sound like this isn't what we agreed to. They're not doing their part. I'm being taken advantage of. At the same time, they're having these thoughts that feel trapping to them. If I cut them off, I damage our relationship. If I say nothing, I resent them. And if we're not careful, safety breaks down because what often happens is the next conversation, starts with something like, we need to talk about your grades, or if we're paying, you need to be going to class. Or this isn't fair to us. From the parent's point of view, that feels logical, but from the child's nervous system, it feels like. I'm about to be controlled or shamed. and once the nervous system feels threatened, curiosity and responsibility disappear. So we want to restore safety by removing our hidden agendas. So before the conversation even starts, the parent has to do this internal work. So instead of thinking they need to shape up, I need to practice thinking. I can tolerate discomfort. I don't need to use money to regulate my anxiety. I can hold love and limits at the same time. Right. I'm not asking you to be a doormat. I'm asking you to regulate your own nervous system so that the conversation that you have doesn't put your child on the defense where they can't really problem solve with you and come up with a solution that feels connecting instead of divisive. So when I practice reminding myself I can tolerate discomfort, I don't need to use money to regulate my anxiety. I can hold love and limits at the same time. That steadiness is what creates safety, not the words themselves. But that feeling inside of us, that gets us to a calmer place. And then I can have a safer way to open the conversation without pressure or leverage. So it would be something like, I care about you and I wanna talk to you about school and money. In a way that feels respectful to you and to us, and I don't wanna lecture or threaten, I just wanna understand what's going on for you, and then notice what that does. It removes a sense of punishment. It doesn't hide an ultimatum, and it signals interest instead of control. And so safety can increase. Yeah. Once safety is present, responsibility can actually enter the room. So the parent might say, I'm realizing that I can't keep paying for school if it's not being used in the way we hoped. But I also don't wanna make decisions about you without talking with you. What feels realistic to you right now? Now the child has agency, they might say. I feel overwhelmed. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't wanna be in school right now. Those answers would never be available if they were feeling under pressure or attacked or shamed. So this is the key teaching point. Responsibility doesn't grow in fear, it grows in safety. And safety doesn't mean unlimited support. It means clarity without being threatening, right? This is what I can do and this is what I can't do boundaries without shame, I love you and I can give you this amount of support. I love you and here are the ways that we can help, and here are the ways that we can't. And then choice without abandonment, right? They get to choose. And if it's a choice that we wouldn't have chosen, we can support and love and encourage and not abandon them because we're mad. It's not the choice. That we wanted for them. so let's just end with this. Anytime you feel cornered. Anytime, every option feels wrong, pause. that is not a sign that you're failing. That's a signal that your nervous system needs more choice and more safety, not more pressure. When you restore agency and create safety, you regulate, you lead more calmly and your relationships have room to shift. Steadiness not control is what builds trust in our adult children in, so that's what I have for you today. I hope you'll really consider that. Have I built trust with my kids or am I unknowingly creating distance and feelings that are not feeling safe and regulated, that they feel nervous in my presence, Do I create safety within myself? Am I hard on myself? Am I judgmental of myself? Am I expecting perfection in every conversation? Or can I create a calm nervous system? Can I be curious when I get uptight about not buying any jeans at the store and just find that fascinating and wonder if I can reframe that and look at that in a different way. Can I smile at myself when I'm getting agitated at pickleball and take a few deep breaths? Can I be kind to myself as I'm trying to have an honest conversation with one of my children? And if I don't do it perfectly, try again or come at it from a different angle. Could I talk to them about, here are some things I've learned about safety and nervous system regulation, and have a discussion with them so that I can create more trust. There's so many things that we can do to build safety in ourselves and then build safety with our kids. And if you're feeling like. I've already done it wrong forever. That's the beauty, right? We can always change, we can repent, we can try again, and I've found that young adults are so moved To know that their moms are trying to learn how to communicate better and trying to learn how to honor agency better, So if you think it's too late for you, I just wanna promise you. That his is never too late. So I encourage you to try some of the things that we talked about today so that you can create safety in yourself and also safety in your relationships. Have a great week. If you are learning things on the podcast, I would love it if you would review it and send it to a friend so that more people can find it. And also remember my webinar tomorrow. I'd love to have you come. Alright, talk to you soon.