Hi and welcome back. And if it's your first time here, I'm really pleased that you found us. I hope that you're okay today. Now, today we're going to be talking about something that to be honest, I think we all do. And I think that we can do it, you know, at different times for different reasons. So we're going to talk about comparisons.

[00:00:19] Tell me, do you compare yourself to other people? Like I say, I do think that we all do it and it can be really tough, can't it? You know, we can look around and we can see people that are, you know, Thinner, richer, prettier, more successful, happier, you know, somehow they seem to have everything together. And when I used to be a counselor, I'd hear it all the time in the counseling room and you probably do too, you know, people would come in and compare themselves to others or say things like, I bet other people don't struggle with something like this, or why can't I just let this go like other people do?

[00:00:54] And I used to think, well, you. don't know how other people are dealing with this. I think you'll find most of the people deal with this in the same way as you probably do. and it's exactly the same with therapists really, because we can tend, we have a tendency to compare ourselves with others, don't we?

[00:01:12] Now, every month in the grow your private practice membership, I have something called a pick my brain call. And this is where, you know, members can come along and they can ask me questions or ask for feedback on stuff. And it's just a chance to, you know, Have a chat with me. And last week we had a Pick My Brain call and we had quite a chat about comparisons and how easy it is to start comparing ourselves to other counsellors, you know, looking at their website, their directory, their social media, their blogging, and Yeah, so we had quite a chat about it.

[00:01:49] So today, like I say, it's Monday when I've recorded this every week, I go live in the community with the Monday motivation call. So this is what I talked about today in today's Monday motivation call for, for members of the group. And I wanted to share this with you. Cause I think it's something that so many of us feel, But maybe we don't always talk about it. So I want to share with you a few thoughts that I have about comparisons and also something practical that you can do if you find that comparisons are holding you back. So I always, let me see if I'm going to start with. When we compare ourselves to others, so imagine that you've just started up your counselling practice, which you may well have done.

[00:02:35] So there you are with your counselling practice and it can be so easy, can't it, to see what other people are doing. You maybe see people in a, you know, Facebook groups or other counsellors that you know, and it can sometimes seem that other people have. Lots more clients than you do and seem to have it all together, but I want to have a little look at this because what we sometimes see isn't the full, you know, the full story because we don't know that person.

[00:03:05] We don't know their life. We don't know. anything about them most of the time. So let's, for example, think about, you know, you, let's, for example, think about if you got your counselling qualification at the same time as somebody else did, you know, somebody else who was in your training group. And a year later, they're talking about the fact that they're at capacity got lots and lots of clients and you're thinking, well, hang on, I've only got four.

[00:03:35] What am I doing wrong? So let's just have a look at this because that can feel so disheartening. So you don't actually know what's going on in that other person's life. So it might be that they've got a very large circle of friends, a very large circle of contacts. You know, maybe they've got a lot of family.

[00:03:55] Maybe they've got a lot of friends that are all there supporting them, sharing their. Sharing their practice information, telling other people about it, you know, if you've got 50 people in your corner that can have a massive impact on how quickly you get started because 50 people all sharing your social media posts or putting out leaflets and business cards and telling everybody about you will have a massive impact on how many people, you know, find out about you.

[00:04:26] So for instance, if your sister is a hairdresser, they've got the potential to talk about many clients, talk to many clients about your services. So as they're chatting to their client and they're doing their hair, their client might be saying, Oh God, no, you know, I've just split up from my boyfriend and I'm feeling awful.

[00:04:45] You know, that. Sister, that person can be saying, Oh, well, actually my, my sister's just started as a counselor. And this sounds like just the sort of thing they work with. And so, you know, that sort of thing is a way that people grow their practice. Now that's brilliant. Obviously, if somebody's got that and that's going to help them to get started, but if you don't have that.

[00:05:07] Then you're not really making a very good comparison because, you know, you just don't have that. So maybe that person got into counseling because of their job. So for example, maybe they, let's think about this. Maybe they're a nurse or maybe they were a nurse and they got into counseling because they could see that people needed some help in a certain sort of, in a certain.

[00:05:34] people who've been through some sort of illness and they need some extra help. So that person will have a network of other nurses and people in that profession that they know that they've probably heard about how passionate that person is about doing this, how much they've put into their training, how much they really want to help this particular type of person, and people will know that.

[00:06:00] You know, people will know that that's the sort of person to refer somebody on to. So if they're with somebody who's, I'm not making, I hope this is making sense. Let me, let me start that again. So imagine that, you know, you're speaking to someone and they're talking about having some struggles and you know, that somebody is just trained to be a counselor because they want to help people with exactly those struggles, then they're going to be the perfect choice, aren't they? So what I'm saying is, if you've got people. In your corner that are referring to you, that would be fantastic, but not everybody's got that, you know, so you might not have that.

[00:06:42] So you might look at other people and think, well, why are they doing so well? Well, you don't really know why, but it's probably because they've got these things working for them. I mean, it might also be that they've got money to invest in advertising, you know, maybe they've got, Some money put aside and they can therefore get a really nice new website done, or they can invest in getting some adverts done, or they can invest in something that it might be outside of your, your possibility at the moment.

[00:07:13] And it may be as well, something else that we haven't talked about. It might be that they have more time than you. And when I talk about time, I'm very often talking about energy as well. So it may be that this other person. Doesn't have another job or doesn't have other responsibilities. So when they trained as a counsellor, when they became a counsellor, they could put a hundred percent of their time, a hundred percent of their energy into marketing their practice.

[00:07:43] That's great, isn't it? That would be fantastic. But what about if you're also working full time or you're working part time or you're a single parent, or you've got some sort of, illness, either some sort of physical illness or maybe your mental health is a bit ropey and it becomes difficult to, I say ropey, sorry, I hope that's not too disparaging, but I just think my mental health often gets a bit ropey.

[00:08:11] But you know, somebody might not have those things to contend with and you might have those things to contend with. And those are things that are going to make it. You know, it's going to make it more difficult for you to just get out there and do the marketing that you need to do. I mean, it might be that that person's got a background in marketing.

[00:08:29] Maybe they understand marketing. Maybe they've had a job in marketing, or maybe they know somebody that does. You'd make, you know, maybe their partner. Can make their website for them, or maybe a friend of theirs can really help them with some branding or something like that. And maybe you don't have that.

[00:08:47] So when we're comparing this other person, it might seem that, Oh my God, they're moving along a lot faster than me. Well, that's because maybe they've just got people in their lives who are available to help them. So comparing yourself. To that person based on what you know about yourself and the little, you know, about then them.

[00:09:07] And I think for me, I always assume that people are very similar to me. I always think that other people are in a similar position to me. So if that was me in that situation, I'd be thinking, well, it wouldn't enter my head that they had loads of extra time or loads of extra help. I'd just assume that they've managed to work it all out.

[00:09:28] And I haven't, and I haven't managed to do that. Something else that can make a difference is maybe they're a very confident person. Maybe they find it very easy to market their practice. You know, let's not underestimate the difference that this can make. You know, it may be that they are very extroverted and they like nothing better than to get out there and talk to people, but I'm.

[00:09:52] Not extroverted. I'm a massive introvert and I find that difficult. And I know a lot of people find it very difficult to go out there, to talk about what they do. and that can have an impact as well. So all of these things are likely to make it, it doesn't mean you're not going to be successful. You can totally be successful, but it might just take a little bit longer as you have to work up to do some of these things.

[00:10:16] Something else is that they may live in a more affluent area. So they may live in an area where there's just more spare cash around. And people are, you know, more likely to be able to spend their money on something like counseling. And that might not always happen. You know, if you live in an area where, you know, there isn't that, that can have an impact in your marketing.

[00:10:35] And something else that can happen, and this, I've got personal experience of this, you know, maybe they live in a very central position and therefore appear high up in like searches on directories or just searches on Google. Now this has made an impact to my business over there. You know, for the time that I was working as a counsellor, because I live six miles.

[00:10:57] I live near Lincoln, beautiful Lincoln. If you've never been come to Lincoln, it's lovely. It's got a lovely castle. It's got a lovely cathedral. It's very, very nice. So I live six miles from the centre of Lincoln. When I first started working as a counsellor, my website. If you went on to Google and you looked for counsellors in Lincoln, my website would appear on page one, which was fantastic.

[00:11:20] You know, we all want to be on page one, but as time went on and they got to be more and more and more people training to be counsellors. My, my website didn't show on page one and it was the same on directories, if anybody was to put in a search for counsellors in Lincoln, I wouldn't show up on page one.

[00:11:41] I'd sometimes not show up till about page six, and there was not that much that I could do about that. I could maybe pay for a, you know, a paid position where you can get top, But there wasn't a huge amount I could do that. So that's just a geographical thing, isn't it? There's nothing really I could do about that because people, when they're searching, something like, you know, Councillor in Lincoln, I think the search is made up from people that start off being more central than it goes outwards.

[00:12:07] I think, I don't know for sure, but I assume so. So, like I say, with so many new councillors setting up, it's going to be harder and harder for you to show up in searches. So, Yeah, so, you know, comparisons really, they kind of get you nowhere because you are comparing your struggles to what you are seeing from other people.

[00:12:28] And you are looking at other people, you're thinking, well, they're doing well. Look at what they're doing. They're doing this and they're doing that, and they're doing, they're, they're writing fantastic blogs and they're doing fantastic social media. And you compare something that they're doing to something that's just not a fair comparison.

[00:12:46] You know, you're, you're not that person. You don't know anything about them. So all you do know is what's happening for you. And I think that, you know, you've got no idea whether what they're sharing is work. So this person might be sharing, you know, lots of social media. It might be sharing, they might be sharing lots of blogs, but you've got no idea.

[00:13:08] If those social media posts actually working and bringing them clients, or if those blog posts are actually working and bringing them clients, you know, there's a knack, you know, you don't just post something on social media and clients turn up and you don't just post a blog post and a client turns up.

[00:13:25] There's ways of doing it. You know, you've got to know about who you want to attract, what their interests are, and you need to put. Blogs and social media posts out there that will reflect on what those people need. So you don't know whether what they're putting out there is actually bringing them the clients.

[00:13:43] You know, you've got no idea. So compact, so comparisons can be useful. You know, it can be useful for you to look at how well somebody's doing. So it might be, if you went to your. You know, if you did your counselling training with someone and you then look at them a year later and you think, wow, they're so much further on than me.

[00:14:04] Now that can be useful if that drives you forward and becomes inspirational. So if you look at them and you think, wow, they're doing well, and you think, well, I'm going to give them a ring. I'm going to give them a ring and ask them what they're doing. That can be really, really useful content. But I would say that the majority of the time, these comparisons can just cause unrealistic comparisons and give you unrealistic expectations of what it's possible for you to do.

[00:14:32] And therefore that can have a negative. Impact on your self esteem, it can put you in a bit of a negative spiral and that is not good. We do not want that. Do we? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to share with you something that you can do to, start to really acknowledge the. you know, the knowledge and the, stuff that you know, stuff, that's not a very good word, is it?

[00:15:00] But to acknowledge all the, you know, the training and the information and stuff that you know about counselling that you bring with yourself when you're in the counselling room. And this really can help if you're not feeling good enough, if you feel that everybody else is better than you. This is really something that's good to do.

[00:15:19] So I really recommend that you do this. Okay. Get yourself a coffee or something stronger. Get yourself some paper and a pen. I like to do it on paper and a pen. Cause I find, cause I'm not very good at typing. My typing is rubbish, whereas I can write and the words flow. I can think of it and it can come out of my pen and it just flows easier.

[00:15:40] So if that sounds a bit like you, get a paper and pen and do this. And what I want you to do. is to have a think of all the things that you've done, all the training, all the courses. So add up the number of hours training that you've had. So you've got things like your introduction to counseling. Many people start with that.

[00:16:01] You may have done a, a starter course. You may have then gone on to something more, more chunky. You might've gone on to do, a degree. What is the training that you've done? Add up all of that training. You will have done hundreds of hours. Think about all the courses that you've taken. I know that counselors do far more CPD than they probably actually have to, because you love what you're doing.

[00:16:26] You can't help yourself. You want to learn about all these different things. So think about the time that you've spent getting different qualifications, different certifications, you know, think about the CPD that you've attended. Think about all of the books that you've read. Now, I bet that as a counsellor, you've got loads of books on your bookshelf.

[00:16:47] Some will have been read, some might not have been, but there are loads of books there and you will have read loads. And each book that you've read, you're adding to the knowledge that you know, you're adding to your information and it's not just information. Your little brain is looking at it and making some sense of it and thinking about how that might've affected you, how that affects your clients.

[00:17:12] You know, it becomes knowledge that's then in your brain. You can also think about the number of clients that you've seen, you know, whether if you're new to counseling or if you've been doing this for 10 years, you will still have had quite a lot of clients that you've seen. So think about how many clients that you've seen, because every single client that you see, every client hour that you spend sitting with somebody else.

[00:17:39] is training, is learning, you are learning, you're getting information, but not only that, you're honing your counselling skills, you're honing your, your listening skills, your, you know, your silencing skills, your, I can't even think now, all of the different skills that you have as a counsellor, every time you sit with someone.

[00:18:00] You are practicing them and getting better and better and better at it. And that is not just with the clients that you've seen as a private practitioner. What about the placement hours that you've worked? I know many counselors have a placement that goes on far longer than they necessarily have to.

[00:18:17] Every client that you've seen for those placement hours, you're learning from. Every single one of them, think of all the workshops that you've attended, you know, workshops that you've attended in person, they could be workshops that you've attended online. Just think about those workshops. What have you learned?

[00:18:35] And again, it's not just the thing, you know, the title of the workshop, you're learning more about yourself. You're learning more about how that can help your client. So that's loads and loads of extra information that you're getting from that. And to think about supervision, see, I used to learn loads from my supervision.

[00:18:58] My supervisor was wonderful. And I hope that you've got a wonderful supervisor. If they're not, if they're not wonderful, get yourself one that is, cause there's loads around and they're all different. But the supervision hours that I had, you know, you're amassing so much information because you're talking to your supervisor about something that's happening with your client that you're maybe struggling with.

[00:19:19] And so you're getting a whole load of new ideas and new knowledge from your supervisor. And that's golden, isn't it? It's really, really great. Also think about things like, you know, all of the YouTube videos that you've watched, all of the , TED talks that you've watched, think about the documentaries that you've watched, think about the things on Netflix that are looking at, you know, Brené Brown, for example, and different things like that, not just that, think about discussions that you've had with other therapists, you know, as therapists, we are, We do tend to discuss things a lot, don't we?

[00:19:56] We're like nothing better than getting into the nitty gritty of a situation. So think about the discussions you've had, because every discussion is you learning a little bit about yourself, learning a little bit about somebody else. And it's really, really interesting. So that's training, but don't forget.

[00:20:14] about your own life learning, okay? Think about your childhood, you know, your friendships, your relationships, the family politics that you've experienced. You will have had to go through upsets, disappointments. You will have experienced anger. You will have experienced love, joy, happiness. You will have experienced, maybe you've experienced trauma, maybe you've experienced loss.

[00:20:41] Everything that you've experienced is Has shaped who you are and all of these experiences mean that when you sit in a room with another person and you're there with them, you can bring all of that experience with you. All of those little nuances and expertise and experiences all get brought to the table and make you a really fully rounded person to bring the whole of that with you to use to help your clients.

[00:21:13] You have. All of that, finally, just think about, are there any awards or successes that you've had? You know, maybe you're accredited. Maybe you've had some other sorts of award. Maybe you've written a book. Think about anything else that you've maybe done or that you've been proud of. Maybe you've been on the radio or something like that, or being on a podcast.

[00:21:34] And what I want to do is I want to challenge you to keep writing until you can, you know, do your best to write up a full page of paper, write as much as you can. then step back and look at it. And what I'd like to, to invite you to do is to keep that and keep adding to it. Every time you read a new book, every time you have an aha moment, every time you go to supervision and you learn something new, just keep writing on that about all the different things that you've learned.

[00:22:05] And I want you to step back and have a look at it because what you've got there is a very varied, A very varied sort of knowledge base, and it's peculiar to you. It's all about you. There's nobody else around that's going to have this exact mix of knowledge, this exact mix of experience, and the sort of passion that you have.

[00:22:27] This is what you bring to the table. And because of this, you are in a position to help to transform people's lives and run a successful private practice. You are completely unique. What you bring is special. So yes, there's going to be other people out there that write blogs and go on social media, but they're not you.

[00:22:51] And they never, ever will be. You can't compare what they're putting out there with what you're going to put out there because you've got your own experiences, you know, that's all completely unique to you. And you know what? This kind of makes me feel quite, I don't know. I feel quite passionate about this because I'm no stranger to getting comparisonitis.

[00:23:13] You know, it's all part of having low self esteem, isn't it? And I'm always working on trying to improve my self esteem, but I don't really like to talk about my comparisonitis because it just doesn't feel very nice. And I think that if I'm honest, sometimes It's to do with the fact that I can get a little bit of jealousy.

[00:23:35] I can see other people out there sometimes doing the same sort of thing that I do. And I can think to myself, Oh my God, look at them. They're better than me. They're so much better than me. Oh, I wish I'd done it like that. I wish I'd done it that way. And I could get jealous or envious or, you know, definitely I'd get comparisonitis and, you know, it's.

[00:23:58] Not deemed to be a very nice emotion, is it, Jealousy? But as with all emotions, they serve a purpose. And if we can acknowledge whatever emotion we have, and we can work to understand those emotions, then they can leave us feeling stronger, can't they? So the way that I am now, you know, I, I can use Comparisonitis as a barometer for how I'm feeling because now I stay in my own lane.

[00:24:25] So what do I mean by that? I mean, I don't look at what other people are doing. So other people that work with therapists are out there. There's lots of other people that do that. I don't go and check what they're doing. I don't go and read their blogs. I don't check out their website. I don't check out their social media.

[00:24:44] Because I find if I do, then it can have a negative impact on me. And I can start going, Oh God, they're better than me. And it can start me doing that. So if I catch myself peeping at what other people are doing and I start to compare myself, that really is a sign that my self esteem is. Taking a bit of a tumble and I need to focus a bit on my own needs for a while so I can build up my self esteem and start to feel a bit better.

[00:25:12] So what I would suggest that you do is really have a bit of a think about that. You know, does that sound at all similar to how it is for you? I mean, we're all different, obviously, but. equally, we're all the same in a lot of ways, aren't we? So if you find that, you know, you start looking at what other people doing and that has an impact on your self esteem, then there's something you can do about that.

[00:25:36] That might be the first step, the first, that could be the first sign that you have, that your self esteem is taking a bit of a tumble. And that can be enough to say, right, I need to. Focus right now, not on other, what other people are doing. I need to focus on me. And then you need to get that list out that you've just put together of all of the things that you do, all of the skills that you've got, all of the knowledge you have, all of the courses that you've been on and remind yourself why you're so.

[00:26:08] Damn fantastic. And just let that help to grow your self esteem so that you don't need to go and check what other people are doing. You can just focus on what you need to do to grow your practice and help the people that you want to help.

[00:26:23] So yeah, comparisons can be motivating. but one part comparison that can be really useful is when you compare a previous version of yourself to you now. So it might be that a year ago. You were too scared to go on social media. And if you look back, you can think, Oh my goodness, how far have I come last year?

[00:26:46] I was so scared of going on social media and now I can do it. No problem. Or it might be that you think, well, six months ago, I was too frightened to. to write a blog and put a blog post out there, but now I can do it. No problem. You know, that's where the comparison can be really useful. It's a chance for you to see how much, how far you're going and how those little, you know, those little steps of really added up and how much you're moving forward.

[00:27:15] So if you're no stranger to comparisons, I do hope that this has given you some food for thought and that you make that list and you use it. Because as I always say, inspiration without action is merely entertainment. So what you can do is you can listen to this podcast and think, Oh, it was interesting and not do anything, or you can go and get yourself a cup of coffee, or you can get yourself a nice glass of wine, sit yourself down and start to write that list.

[00:27:41] And that's then going to really make a difference to how you feel about yourself. And I'd love to know how you get on. So please let me know.

[00:27:49] So look, that's about it for this week. So thank you so much for tuning into the Grow Your Private Practice show. Now, if you've enjoyed this episode and you want to stay updated, and get all of my latest content, please make sure that you hit the subscribe button on your favorite podcast platform, because by subscribing, you'll never miss an episode.

[00:28:09] And you'll be the first to know when I release new content. So, you know, go ahead and hit that subscribe button now, and let's continue to grow your private practice together. You take care. Bye bye.