E051 - 3 Ways To Set & Maintain Healthy Boundaries With Narcissistic Or Emotionally Immature People This Holiday Season

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The holidays are coming up and you know what?

That means that we are going to be with people that we may not normally spend a lot of time with people that trigger us, push our buttons, people that we don't have boundaries with. And so I wanted to really give you three tips in this episode on how to set boundaries. And how does set boundaries specifically with difficult people with narcissistic people, with emotionally immature people so that you can maintain your sanity this holiday season. Think of it like prep for one of the most difficult times of the year. So by the end of this episode, I want you to really understand what boundaries are inside out. And feel comfortable and how to set them. Also be sure to stick around until the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card that will offer you a specific message that you can use this week to stay conscious in your healing.

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Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the [00:01:00] mindfuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards the secure, peaceful woman you want to become. We will explore all of the tools that you need to get through your grief, to move past those I'll be alone forever fears, and rebuild your confidence so you can move forward in healthy relationships as your full self.

Never to get sucked into the narcissistic spell again. I am your host, Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

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welcome back to this episode. You are going to get so much good information today about boundaries and specifically setting boundaries with people who are difficult to set boundaries with. But before we even get into the tips and the wisdom, I want you to think for a moment about what comes up for you. When you think about setting a boundary? Boundaries can be scary.

They can be scary to set. If we've never set them, they can be scary to set. If we've tried to set [00:02:00] them with people who walk all over us. They can be, they can bring up a lot for us. Some of the common beliefs that I know I have had and that my clients have is that they're being a bitch. If they try to set a boundary. That they will ruin the holidays.

If they say no to something. If they don't engage, if they don't go to something, they don't want to be the ones to rock the boat, to ruin the holidays, to make everybody upset. And I want to just acknowledge how real those fears are, how real those beliefs are. Especially if you've grown up believing that. So. With this episode, I want to give you some tips to start to redefine what boundaries are. And to give you that confidence to be able to start to set boundaries. In order to protect your peace, this holiday season. The irony.

I think of the holidays as we [00:03:00] talk about peace and being peaceful and. Like sitting around the Christmas tree, drinking our hot cocoa in peace. It's like most people in holiday gatherings are feeling very panicked and chaotic. And especially when we get back into family situations with. With our family of origin specifically, we can really revert. Our patterns back to the people pleasing back to the not taking up space back to letting the other person kind of control the room or control the narrative. And so the more that we can put intention towards shifting the more actual piece you're going to feel. So here are your three tips. The first tip is to actually know what you need. I want to tell you guys a story about how I came to understand that this was an important part of boundaries. So when I got out of my last toxic relationship, my last relationship with a narcissistic [00:04:00] person. I left that not knowing. Who I was not knowing what I needed. Not knowing what I liked.

And soon after that breakup, I went to get ice cream with a group of friends. And this is a group of friends that are still my closest friends to this day. And really, really surrounded me with support and love during this phase of my life. So I was in a very tender spot. And just having come out of this breakup, going through post separation abuse. Um, And we were at this ice cream store and I was like second or third in line.

My friends were in front of me. And we got to the counter and the person asked me what I wanted. Right. I'm in line to get some ice cream. And I panicked. I froze. I froze as fucking cold as ice cream in front of me. And I couldn't answer that question. I couldn't answer what flavor I wanted. And I was just like, I don't know.

I'll have whatever she's having referencing my friend who had just ordered. [00:05:00] And got my ice cream. Nobody really thought anything of this. This was really like an internal panic that I was having. And got the ice cream, sat down with my friends and we're all conversing. Joyfully really. And I'm sitting there just, just riddled with shame at the table. And occurred to me in that moment that I don't know. What I want.

I don't know what I like. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to articulate any of these things about me.

And that was one of the experiences that really opened my eyes to the work that I needed to do to better understand who I was.

I even before this last toxic relationship, I had really been with men who. I just sort of morphed into, or, or chameleon into.

And so I never took the time to understand what I needed or what I liked. Even down to the ice cream that I wanted to order. So to be able to set boundaries, you have to know [00:06:00] these pieces of you. You have to know your desires, you have to know your wants, your needs, your non-negotiables, your values. We can't protect something that we don't understand. So taking the time to figure out specific to holidays and being with family. What do I need in this interaction in order to feel safe, supported, and loved. Do I need. To only be there for an hour.

Do I need to set a time block for myself? Do I need to not go. Do I need to say thank you, but no, thank you. We're going a different tradition this year. We're going to have our own Christmas dinner

do I need to be prepared to leave. If the person who has a drinking problem. His drinking at the party and I feel uncomfortable. So getting really clear with yourself around. What is the thing? That you are anticipating that you were anxious about that you're fearful about if it's a person or a [00:07:00] situation and what do you need in order to feel safe, supported, and left. The second thing that we need after we know what we need. Is to be able to regulate our nervous system. When we start to feel the fear or the guilt or the shame. Or the anxiety that comes up when we think about actually fucking speaking our needs, because. If you're like me, many of us. Grew up putting other people's needs first. That is our default.

That is the pattern, the neural pathway in our brain that we have grooved and have become an expert in. I have practiced my 10,000 hours of putting people first. And so when I start to think about shifting that to making a boundary around something, that's going to put me first something that's going to make me feel safe, make me feel happy, make me feel peaceful. All of these other emotions can come up.

So we need to be able to [00:08:00] regulate our nervous system. Otherwise we are, we are just in this chaotic distress and we're not going to be able to set the boundary in a very helpful way. There's a couple of different tools that I love for nervous system regulation. If you have been following me for any period of time, you've heard me talk about EFT tapping.

And this is a sematic therapeutic tool where we are actually tapping on points on our face and our torso in our hands. And the consecutive order of that tapping helps us to regulate the nervous system. So it is a body centered approach where we're using the body to signal to the brain that we're safe.

I'll link episode 40, it's called finding self love and trust in yourself.

So you can have healthy relationships with EFT tapping. It talks a little bit more in depth about this tool and how to use it. So you can find that in the show notes.

In addition to EFT tapping, there's also a tool called box breathing. If you're not familiar with box breathing, it's also a very accessible tool. So, what you [00:09:00] would do is you would intentionally create some space for yourself where you can focus on your breath. And we want to create equal amounts of an inhale. Equal amounts of a pause, equal amounts of an exhale and then equal amounts of a pause. Think about this as like actually drawing a box with your breath, you can do this with your hands.

If it helps you visualize, if you start in the bottom left corner on your inhale, you draw up the side of the box. You hold, as you draw the line across the top of the box. You exhale as you draw the line down from the other side of the box and you hold the exhale as you draw the line. On the bottom of the box.

So we'll practice this together. If you're driving, please just keep your eyes open. You can still do the box breathing. So we're going to inhale two, three. Four. Hold two, three. Four. Exhale. Two. Three. Four. [00:10:00] Hold the exhale. 2, 3, 4. And you repeat this breathing pattern. Over and over and over until you can feel your body coming into that sense of calm.

So that's another tool that you can use is called box breathing. You can also just go for a walk in nature. This could be a walk around your block. This could be a walk in the mountains. This could be a walk at the beach, whatever sort of natural space that you have in, in and around your home or wherever you are. Taking the pause from the chaotic party from wherever you are. To say, Hey, I need to go outside, get some fresh air. So actually looking at nature, the patterns in nature, the colors in nature brings our nervous system a sense of calm. And if you are walking. You also have that bilateral stimulation, which can help to regulate the nervous system.

So going out, maybe doing box breathing while you're taking a walk. Maybe also tapping while you're doing box breathing and taking [00:11:00] a block, if you really need. Like a trifecta of, of support and for your nervous system. We can combine these tools. We can use them intermittently. But having some way to regulate your nervous system is vital. Because that belief, that fear that we've practiced, right.

If I speak my needs, then. He's going to be mad at me, then she's going to be mad at me. Then I'm going to ruin Christmas. That belief is going to perpetuate. Unless we can come out of that fear back into our adult wise mind. And then therefore words set the boundary. So when we are dysregulated, we actually don't have all the capacity of our brain.

That's needed to be able to rationally think or to make sense of our emotions. So before we can do those two things, we need to decrease the activity in our amygdala, which is the part of our brain that's firing. When we are stressed out, when we're triggered. With the nervous system regulation. As we become more regulated. [00:12:00] We have more capacity in our emotional brain and the rational brain. That helps us come online with our intuition, our why self our confidence to be able to. Parent ourself and our fear around. Okay.

I'm feeling really afraid to say this out loud. I know I don't normally say this to my family and I know that I'm going to do this and I'm going to be okay. And I'm going to take care of myself on the other side. So walking yourself through that, that reparenting moment to be able to then set the boundary.

Also keep your nervous system regulation techniques really handy for post boundary setting. So specifically in setting boundaries with narcissistic people. Emotionally immature people, people who don't like boundaries, people who are used to walking all over you,

you might get some sort of response from them.

And so to be able to take yourself out of that situation, regulate your nervous system, remind yourself that you are not a bad person, that you are doing nothing [00:13:00] wrong. Helps us to maintain. That boundary. The third tip is knowing. What a boundary versus a request is. So this is the number one reason that we feel like my boundaries aren't working. What we are doing unbeknownst to ourselves is where we're making requests instead of setting boundaries. So boundaries are. An expression of what you will do. To make sure that you feel safe, supported, and left.

It's not manipulating the other person. It's not hoping that the other person is going to do something different. It's very factual. It's not coming from this place of needing to get convince somebody like, please stop doing this. You're hurting my feelings. Of course, you can say that, but that is a request. The boundary would be, if you continue to do this, then I will do this. So it leaves. It leaves their [00:14:00] choice up to them.

If they're going to continue to do it. But it makes very clear what you're going to do as a response to their choice.

So here's an example. Let's say that you are going somewhere with a family member that, you know, makes a lot of comments about your body. They've always made a lot of comments about your body. It makes everyone feel uncomfortable and awkward and you hate it. You have anxiety even thinking about being in a space with this person.

So the boundary that you can set here. Is to identify first what you need. So you're, you're identifying that you need this person to not talk about your body. Right. But we don't have control if they're going to say it or not. So, what do you need to do if this person talks about your body? And let's say you come to the conclusion that you need to leave the party because it is so dysregulating for you. It is so uncomfortable for you.

And it puts every, this like weird tension in the air and you don't want to be there for that. So, you know what you need. If, if this conversation [00:15:00] happens, if this comment comes up, Then you will leave the party. Okay. Setting that boundary with the person would look something like this. I'm coming to this party.

I know historically you have made comments about my body. I just want you to know. That it makes me really uncomfortable. If you make a comment about my body. I will leave the party. And that makes it super clear of what you're going to do.

If the person makes a comment about your body, you're not begging them to not do it. You're not trying to convince them. How mean they are because they are doing it. You're just saying. If you do this, I will do this. It's really taking the emotion out of it.

Narcissistic people and people who are used to taking advantage of others in some sort of way, really use emotion to their advantage. So they want you to get riled up. They, they feed off of the validation that comes from knowing that they're in [00:16:00] control because you're so out of control.

So when we're setting boundaries, we want it to come from a very factual place, a very clear place of, if you do this, I'm going to do this.

Another boundary. And another example, another situation that could come up is let's say that your partner tends to drink a lot when they are around their family. And when they drink a lot, they become a very mean person. They say really immature or barely unappropriate things. And again, it puts you in this really awkward place.

It makes the air in the room feel uncomfortable and you hate it. You're thinking about having to go to this party and how out of hand it will likely get, because they always get out of hand. And as you're thinking about the situation you're identifying. Okay, what do I need? So asking yourself, do I need to not go? And maybe there's reasons where you, why you choose that you want to go. Not going as always.

Okay. I want to just name [00:17:00] that. You can always say no, thank you. And if people have a reaction about that, then that is theirs to hold. But you always have permission to say now, But in this case, let's say that you do want to go, but you recognize your need. Is that

if he has a drink, because one drink leads to 15. That you are going to Uber to your friend's house and stay with your friend for that night. You've cleared this with your friend, obviously make sure that you can actually follow through with the boundary. Um, But setting that boundary might look something like this.

I'm going to go with you to this party with your family. And every year that we're with your family in these ways, there's a lot of drinking that happens. It makes me really uncomfortable. And I know that I don't want to be in a situation where you are drinking heavily with your family. If you choose to have a drink, I will leave the party and I'll take an Uber over to so-and-so's house and I will stay the night there. Again, [00:18:00] you're taking the emotion out of it.

You are just describing point blank. What you will do if they choose to have a drink and not trying to convince them, please don't do it. Please. Don't do it. Can't you see how bad you are when you're drinking. Can't you see how mean you get. You're just setting the boundary. When we set boundaries this way. They always work as long as we follow through. So we're not dependent on the person's choice. The boundary working is dependent on us having the follow through.

For the first example, the follow-through is to leave the party. If that family member makes a comment about your body. And the second example, the follow through is to Uber, to your friend's house to stay the night. If your partner decides to drink at the party.

It gives you a lot of power back. To again, get your needs met. To be able to do what you need to do in order to feel safe, supported, and loved. So that is the difference [00:19:00] between a boundary and a request. I do need to mention here that starting to set boundaries.

Specifically with people who are used to you, not having boundaries can sometimes. Really disrupt the relationship and the roles that you were playing. It is showing strength. It is showing you regaining control and power of your life. And when we're with narcissistic people, be it romantically or in our family or in our friends. They prefer when we are not strong, they prefer when we don't have boundaries, they prefer when we just do whatever they want us to do. And continue to be that. Source of validation for them.

So setting boundaries can exacerbate narcissistic abuse.

And I need to name that because if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, I need you to have a safe way, a safe plan in order to be able to start to set boundaries. Specifically, if you [00:20:00] live with a narcissistic person, And you want to start setting boundaries. Having a safety plan is vital. Having a supportive person is necessary. Having a safe place that you can go to is necessary. In the show notes, I'll also put the domestic abuse hotline that you can call.

If you are afraid for your situation, if you don't know how to manage your situation. Want to make sure that you have all the safety in place in order to. Be able to start making change in your life.

Okay. And those are the three tips with the disclaimer. So to recap what we went over. In order to set a boundary, you first need to know what the heck you need in order to feel safe, supported, and loved. Secondly, you need to be able to regulate your nervous system before and after. In order to be able to set the boundary in the first place.

And in order to stick with the boundary in the aftermath, if somebody gets upset with what you have said or have done. In order to take care of yourself. [00:21:00] And the third tip. It's to understand what a boundary versus a request is, how to accurately set a boundary so that you're not feeling like your boundaries are failing. To how to take the emotion out of it so that you are not getting swept up into trying to convince somebody to change. But you are just taking the action to make yourself feel safe, supported, and loved in the ways that you have identified that you need.

And they would love for you to go back to episode 40.

It's called finding self love and trust. And so you can have healthy relationships and increase your self esteem with EFT tapping. That is the episode that we'll talk more in depth about the nervous system regulation technique. And how you can learn to trust your needs, your wants your intuition, all of the good things that we need. To also have more understanding about who we are and how we want to show up in this world.

To end, we are going to pull an Oracle card. I am just starting to shuffle the deck [00:22:00] and asking the doctor, what is the message that is needed for anybody listening today?

And the card that we got is sooth. If you're not watching the video, it looks like a hand that has Bebe hands kind of holding onto it. I'm going to find this message in the book and read to you what the message of soothe is. Sue that brings a message of comfort.

Allow the divine mother to hold you tightly and close to her bosom. She sends a message of reassurance and unconditional love you are. Okay. You are safe. You are loved. You may rest here assured that you were on the right path, deeply cared for and held in love. If you were feeling that low level buzz of worry, or perhaps you're in a situation that is fully actively activating your internal alarm system. No, that sooth comes with an important message to take care of yourself. To reconnect with your soul's purpose and release into the arms of the divine [00:23:00] mother. Sue your body was self massage.

Soothe your worry by asking the divine mother for constellation. Love and care needed now. Listen to the music you love eat a delicious nourishing meal and noble silence. Wrap yourself in a blanket and give yourself a squeeze. You are loved.

I hope that message can resonate for you today. And this week as you move forward. And setting your boundaries and getting prepared for the holidays. As always this podcast is for you. And you are not alone. Until the next episode.