Another question on social media,

which was quite intriguing was,

do I have the right to tell my

partner that I'm either long-term

relationship with, or married to,

that I really am turned

off by their weight.

They've allowed themselves

to gain a lot of weight,

and I just feel like it's a turnoff.

And do I have the right

to tell them? Well,

you have a right to say anything <laugh>,

but you have to deal with the

consequences and the way you say it,

and whether they're mature

enough to handle feedback.

If you are turned off by their

weight and you're in a marriage

I would think that it would be wise to

make a statement that says, you know,

there are many, many things that I really

admire about you and I love about you.

And there's some things that

I really have challenge with,

and I'm sure you have the same with

me, things that have challenged me,

and I would appreciate if you let me

know some of those things that challenge,

because some I may not be able to do

anything about, some things I will,

but I just want to let you know,

I don't want to repress this and then

end up having it undermine our marriage

and relationship. So I'm

just letting you know that,

that when I see you gain weight, I

see you eating more than is needed,

and I see the health impact on you, and

you're become less appealing to me. I

feel like as somebody who loves you,

that it's wise to speak up and

take the take the risk of you

being upset with me, but I don't

want to be untactful about it.

But at the same time, I want to

speak up about it. And I'd like to,

is it something you perceive as an issue?

Do you enjoy having the extra weight?

Most people, my experience, say no.

Many people put weight on to protect

themselves from having, you know,

affairs or protect themselves

from being rejected,

or maybe they just enjoy food and they

feel like that's the only way they can

feel connected to their family.

Or maybe they're doing it to protect

themselves from further sex with you.

<Laugh>, maybe they're upset with you too.

They're letting you know that

you're not attracted to them.

Be willing to handle the feedback. Be

it mature enough to speak up. You know,

when you're infatuated with somebody,

you're afraid to say negative things

for fear of loss. When you're resentful,

you're afraid to say positive things for

fear of gain. When you love somebody,

you're able to say both positives and

negatives and give them feedback and give

them integral feedback, and

do it tactfully and maturely.

And I had a man that I was working

with recently that said that,

you know, he wasn't turned on by

his wife, and I thought, well,

is that because of some of the things

she said or is that her physical

appearance? And he said, well,

partly physical appearance and definitely

things that have been said and just

shut down their sex life. I said,

but right now you're thinking,

do I need to have sex outside

the marriage? And I said, well,

I think out of fairness to her,

that'd be wise to have a

communication that I noticed,

I told him, I said, you noticed

other women? And he said, yeah,

and I'm turned on by some of

them. I said, well, that's,

you're going to see beautiful

women all your life.

I think it's wise to let her know.

I don't want to have to have fantasies

and thoughts about other people.

I want to have it with you.

I'd rather us work through what's

going down with our appearance and the

weight and everything else,

and work it through and come up with

something for the sake of your health and

also for the salvaging of our marriage.

Because right now I'm a bit

turned off by the weight.

It's not my ideal search image.

I've tried to sit down and write down

the benefits of that to help me not be so

judgemental. But at the same

time, I feel like there's,

it's holding you back in

the sense of your libido.

It's affecting your health long

term. And it's frankly not appealing.

There's some capacity I can be

adaptable in, but other capacity,

just turned off.

And I don't want to have to go out

and have flings with somebody else.

I love you. I want to have

sexual intimacy with you,

and I don't want to be

turned off by your weight.

So how do we work through that? Let's,

let's talk it through and let's

come up with some solution.

Either let me <laugh>, come

up with an alternative,

and that's how I'm going

to have my relationship,

it's going to be an open

relationship, or we going to have,

we're going to work it through and

work together towards an objective,

or I'm going to find so many benefits to

you that this is so insignificant that

I'm not going to concern

about your weight.

Or I'm going to find out if you've got

a biological reason for this weight or a

psychological reason for it.

But let's talk it through and open

up about it and communicate about it.

If you think that they

can't handle it, well,

it's time for them to grow up <laugh>

because it's not really to their

advantage. I mean, biologically,

if there's obesity or overweight,

that can be a detriment,

physiologically, psychologically,

and physiologically. And

also relationship wise.

So I think it's wise to speak up about it.

If it's just a minor thing and it's

a few pounds and it fluctuates,

I'd leave it be.

But if it's a serious thing that

they've accumulated and they're having

difficulties with it, I'd have a

conversation with about it and find out.

But don't make them wrong about it.

Just say, how do we work through this?

Because it's not appealing to

me. Just be honest about it.

Just like certain behaviors

are not appealing.

I have no problem speaking up about

it. Just these are the things,

I don't mind making a list.

These are the things I really admire

and these are the things I dislike about

you. I'm not expecting all positives.

I'm expecting a balance

of positive and negatives.

And if this is the negative I have to

deal with for all the positives I get,

well then, I'll embrace that.

But if it's something you also would

like to do something about and something

that's also turn off,

I just think it's fair for me to open

up and share about it, that's all.

I'm not here to make you wrong

about it. It's not a moral issue.

It's about giving you feedback that it

is affecting our dynamic and our libido

and our relationship. And speak up. I

think she deserves that. He deserves that.

We all deserve to know true feedback.

I think if we love somebody,

we will offer them true feedback and make

sure it's not just a projection of our

own wounds in the past.

And clear and look honestly at yourself

and look honestly at them and be open

enough to share it.

It'll bring more integrity

to the relationship instead

of repressions and then

over expressions or affairs.