How many of you out there are looking at the summer with your

How would you like them when you ask them to do something to say,

Does that sound like some magical Disneyland place

We'll stay tuned ladies, because we have a guest coming on today who is

you can start a game called the I'd be Happy To" game that will change your

Welcome to the American Mothers: Mom to Mom Podcast.

The show that lifts , encourages, supports, and educates mothers

Join us as we talk to and answer questions from mothers nationwide about the

Our guest today is a family life educator, speaker, trainer, and podcaster.

She has a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's in marriage,

She is the founder of Kudos for Families, a nonprofit program that provides online

that teach parents how to transform themselves, their homes and their

As a mother of four adopted children, including several with multiple

and trained others extensively on adoption, substance abuse prevention,

She has presented for national and local organizations, as well as the LDS adoption

We are pleased to present Angela Meyers.

Angela, thank you for joining us on the American Mothers:

Thank you for having me.

I'm super excited to be here.

This is amazing.

I love the organization.

We are just tickled to have you.

And I thought we would break the ice today with a mothering moment.

Sometimes those moments are fun and sometimes they're, oh, slap

You know what I mean?

And so why don't you tell us about a mothering moment that you can probably

Okay.

Well, there are so many, first of all.

I do a lot of head hitting, but one that comes to mind.

Really.

There are so many, and this is so not the worst.

But I remember when my kids were younger and the older kids were off

Nathaniel loves banana bread.

I think I'll make him some.

And then when he comes home, he'll walk in the door and smell the banana bread and

So I'm making the banana bread thinking.

I'm kind of, you know, not the perfect mom, but I'm

And then I realized that I was missing his recorder concert at the school

And at that point it was too late.

I couldn't do anything about it.

Who has a concert in the middle of the day?

The school day.

So he came home and of course he was like crying.

Mom, why weren't you at my concert?

Like, I'm, so sorry.

I forgot.

Right.

I forgot you.

But I said, look, I've got this delicious banana bread.

I was thinking of you when I totally forgot you.

So I did a lot of things like that.

I think as a mom, you're just busy thinking and planning and working,

And so sometimes when we think we're a tad bit awesome, those

Oh, you are not the only one.

I think we could call that just a typical mom moment where our brains

And it's hard to remember everything.

Angela.

You have so many amazing tips of wisdom that I am so excited for

I know that as parents approach summer, sometimes we're a little, um,

How am I going to set up a structured system?

Or maybe.

I don't even care.

And I don't want to set up a structure system, even though I know

So I thought it would be great if you could talk us through some of the things

Sure.

I think that's a thing that all moms deal with.

Some of us are like, yes, it's summertime.

I don't have to get up early in the morning, but then the same parents.

I mean, if you're like me.

When schools are going to start up again, I'm like, yes.

Back to the routines and the schedules.

So I think, yeah, it's a different season.

The kids are going to be home.

A lot of times we think, well, you know, let's just kind of play it by ear,

bit, where there's freedom to change and adapt, but where there's a system

So I think kids do better with that.

And also, when we're just sitting around doing nothing, we don't feel a sense

And I think kids are the same way.

If they're just lazing around all summer long, they're going to get bored.

There's going to be whining.

There will be more contention in the home.

It just makes sense to set something up as a mom ahead of time so that you've

And after that you go play, but at least if you have something

And I've realized that our kids really need that structure.

They need the responsibility, they need to work.

They need to learn to cooperate.

And summertime's a great time for that.

So what would be the first step then to setting up a system for the summertime?

Okay.

What I would do if it were me is I would make sure that my kids had some needs,

I feel like nowadays we give our kids so many things.

We give them every gizmo, every gadget, they have a huge, a pantry

We make sure that they're at whatever extracurricular activities they have.

So they're given so much, they don't need anything.

And what that means is if there's no need, there's no motivation.

So the first thing I would do is look at the family, I would say,

Do they just get unending time on their game systems?

Do they just get to sit around all day and do whatever they want whenever they want?

It's important to say, Hey, there are things that we're giving them that we

And then they're going to feel better about themselves.

So they need to need in order to be motivated to do something.

So if your kids aren't motivated to help out around the house,

So that is a really good thing.

When we were raising our children, there weren't so many gizmos, but, there was

They valued when they finally were able to get it, but sometimes we'd meet

We'd say, OK, you earn this half, we'll pull up the other half

I love that because it's so true once they earn it, if they've worked towards

They appreciate it.

They're not going to leave the Mitt out in the rain because they paid for part of it.

And they're going to know that they're not just going to get another one.

They had to earn that and work for it.

So, yeah.

Super important.

So how would that conversation go then?

How do you start that conversation with your kids?

So you can identify, what are your goals?

What do you want?

What does that sound like?.

Okay.

The worst thing you can do is say, Hey, you guys, we've

Now we're taking it all the way and you're going to have to earn it.

What I would do instead is beforehand as a parent, think about the things they're

you guys want more game time or you want to go to Disneyland, or you want

You're going to get to do those things now because we're setting up a system

Isn't that exciting?

You're going to spin it so that they're thinking, wow, I'm gonna

They're not realizing that probably if they begged you enough before you

I would love to stay overnight at grandma and grandpa's house, or I'd love a date

, I would sit down at the beginning of the summer and say, Hey guys, summers here,

So we're going to make sure we do all of the stuff we have to do first thing

You're going to get rewarded for all these things.

It's going to be so great.

You're going to love it.

I would think of rewards.

I would say, what do you want to do this summer?

What do you think would be fun?

What do you want to earn?

Would you like to earn a trip to the movies?

Does that sound good to you?

And then they'll give you some ideas and with that you can come up

But yeah, I presented as a game.

This is fun.

This is going to be amazing.

That sounds like a good way to motivate them when they have a reward so they

Exactly.

Yes.

I like to call those hot buttons.

So you pick things that your kids are going to love.

If a hot button for your child, is those a certain treat everyday, and they get

But the other thing is one child might be motivated by a tape

Another child might be motivated by a sucker or some child might be

And we're going to read stories.

Another child would be like, I just want to be with my friends.

So you've got to pick the things that are motivating to your kids.

So true, Deanne.

Well, and you're right.

Every kid is motivated differently.

And as you said, those things, I was going through my head.

I'm like, okay, that child was motivated by that, that child was motivated by that.

It's interesting how they are, even in the same family, they're

I can totally tell you exactly what motivates each of my children.

So you set this up as a game and you figure out what they want.

Right.

And then you have to figure out what they need to do to earn that.

Is it points?

What is the strategy there, Angela?

So generally, if I can mention it really quickly, whatever you reward

So if you want something to grow, you feed it.

If you want something to die, you starve it.

A lot of times in our homes, we have our children and we're thinking,

It's because that kind of behavior pays off in the home.

If you ask a child to do something and you know you're going to get so

I'll do it myself.

That whining behavior is paying off because you're rewarding it.

The child doesn't have to do the chore.

So we have to think about rewards and consequences.

And you're going to want to set those up with your kids.

What's going to work?

What are the rewards?

I think there are a lot of different ways you can reward your kids.

And as a mom, you're going to know intuitively you're going to know what

So just think about your family.

Think about your kids and what will work for them.

I like to use a lot of different reward systems.

The first thing I do is I have something called kudo cash, which is big, basically

But if you don't have that, you can get poker chips, you can, cut out.

I actually have these that I use, that you can get these free

And those can be tokens that they earn.

So the kids are actually earning something they can hold in their hands.

And then later that turns into something else.

So I would say, find something that you can use, that you can actually hand your

the morning, and that means they get three of the little cards and then once

Or what I love instead of just buying things is I love privileges.

So I actually encourage parents to get a list.

You can post it on the refrigerator and it's called the privileges list.

So you make a list of everything that would motivate your kids and you let them

Oh, mom, I would love to go skating with my friends.

Or I'm going to go buy a happy meal.

I want to read books.

You help them come up with a list of things that they are

And then right next to there in another column, you list how many tokens it

So they will be collecting those tokens.

And they know that if you ask them to go do something.

And they're doing it or they got their chores done, you're

You're going to be the rewarding mama.

Every time they do something great.

You're going to just reward the heck out of them.

You walked by a room and your kids are getting along.

You're going to say, oh my gosh, you're playing so nicely together.

Here's a couple of tokens or chips or kudo cash, whatever it is, go

And then they're going to be realizing, Hey.

Even when my mom hasn't told me to do something and it's not a

All of a sudden the behavior we want to see is being rewarded.

So that behavior increases.

And you're going to see that because you're rewarding, the positive, the

So it works pretty well.

It's pretty motivating to kids.

If you can figure out what they want.

Um, I have a question, so we reward the positive behavior, and forgive me

How does that work?

Okay.

That depends on you and your home.

I think that a lot of us are so focused on the negative.

We need to focus on the positive as parents.

If your kid comes home from school and it's A, A, A, D, B,

You're not focusing on the A's you're focusing on the D immediately.

So this is to help parents start focusing on the positive.

It's not to say that the negative doesn't need to be dealt with because

If they nag us enough, we give them what they want.

Have you ever been on the phone and you're talking with someone and your

Right?

And they're just like pester, pester, pester, pester.

And all of a sudden,.

Okay, what did you want?

The cookie?

Okay.

Here's a cookie.

You just like shove and cookies in their mouth just to get them to stop,

So if we first stop rewarding the negative, it's huge.

And then of course you have to pay attention to the negative if

I would say that when you're presenting this to your kids at the beginning

You're only talking about what they're going to get, and then if they just

go through the day without doing the chore, they were assigned,

That's a discipline in and of itself.

So by focusing on the positive, a lot of the negative will just disappear.

Now we all know our kids have bad days and we all know we have to address those.

So in a system, you're going to have to think about those things, but

If you want to say, if your chores are not done by noon, or if your homework

homework is not done by a certain time, you will not have the privilege of

But I like to spin it as when it's done, you get to use your tokens

The negative definitely has to be addressed, but you're going to find a lot

focusing so strongly on the positive, because when they don't get that reward,

I really liked that.

One time we had Taylor dollars.

The children, if they wanted more, besides doing their own,

So if they wanted to wipe the baseboards in the family room or wash a window

out of the jar and then they could do the chore and they would be able

Yes.

I love Taylor dollars.

I love that so much.

So everybody can have their own dollars Taylor dollars, Jones

That is great.

And the thing is, if your kids are motivated for the things on the

Right.

Deanne they're motivated.

They're like, where's the jar.

Let me take the easiest one, but give me the jar.

And they will actually be a

That was a stipulation.

It was potluck.

Yeah.

They'd always picked the easiest one, right?

Yeah.

Oh, I love that.

Whichever one you pick you get, I love the idea of putting them in a

I love the rule, you get what you grab.

That's great.

That's so smart.

And see it works.

Kids will be asking you for more work.

If the need is there, they will be motivated.

They'll realize, Hey, this is how the system works at our house.

And these are beautiful principles that are teaching your kids how to adult.

You're going to have kids who grow up, they know how to work.

They know how to earn.

They feel a sense of satisfaction when they work.

I really liked something else.

You said Angela is about their learning to work.

In our family we said Dad goes to work everyday.

If he doesn't go to work, he doesn't get paid.

If you don't do your expectations, you don't get paid.

It's just cause and effect it's what life is it.

Nothing comes to you for free.

Right?

I love that too.

And it's true.

It's cause and effect you reap what you sow.

And you get what you give.

And I think that's important for kids to know that everybody in the

And dad's making a huge contribution or a mom all this time.

Hey, other people got to step up and help out.

So good.

This is so, so helpful.

It really, really is.

We're going to take a quick break and when we get back, we'll have a little

So stay tuned.

American Mothers has amazing programs to educate, support and honor moms.

Visit our website at www.americanmothers.org.

If you have a child, a grandchild in the fifth grade or equivalent, you

starts in August, or maybe you'd like to learn more about the Mothers of

I'm sure you'll find something that will interest you.

Angela, we are back and I have a question for you because of some of the experiences

Well, mom said that I can only earn my video game time if I do

I'm going to see if I whine and complain enough if she'll

Anyway, not that I'm speaking from experience or anything, but you know,

That is such a good question because we've all been there and

As moms, we have really great intentions and then things fall by the wayside.

So I think it's super critical as parents that when we say something,

in essence, if we don't do what we said or don't allow the system to

and like we told the kids that would be, we're basically lying to our kids

So once it's set up, once the expectations are clear, once the family knows, this is

It has to be that way, for sure.

You cannot change.

So when you have a kid that's coming to you and they're like, oh my gosh,

Or I've got a blister on my finger.

I can't do anything today.

And then they need to know that that absolutely means they don't get

The expectation is there and we can't cave as parents.

We can't give in.

Once you give in once.

It's all over, kind of.

Basically there's a behaviorism principle that says, every time you don't

And what that is is if you reinforce or you do what you say sometimes, but not all

So it's super critical that you follow through every time, once you

If they scream and whine or complain long enough, or say or can play

So that's huge.

Always follow through.

If you need to change it at the next family council, you say,

Let's do it differently, then you change the rule, but it

Not in the moment.

And the beautiful thing is once you set up the system, you're like, you

Oh, I'm so sorry that you decided not to do your chores and your

But remember the rule is, or the system says or whatever,

You don't need to be the drama queen parent, because you've

So yeah.

Always follow through, be consistent, huge from the most

Yeah.

Well, all right guys, we need to grow stiff backbones.

Don't we though,

Angela, you said something about family council and I'm sure that's

And then they can give input.

This is what I would like my reward.

So I like the term family council.

It is not a slugfest, it's a discussion time.

Everything is open on the table.

No judgment.

Let's talk about it.

It's not working, bring it back.

And we'll talk about it again.

I like that idea.

Yeah.

And then kids know they have a voice and that parents mean what they say.

It gets changed at family council.

I used to have a list up on my refrigerator where they

He took my stuff.

I don't like this.

And then that list was the family council list.

It would be brought to the family meeting once a week.

And that's a whole other topic talking about family councils, how

You still are the parent and the authority.

But I would find that a lot of those things on the list that they were

it, but it gave them an outlet, a place to write something down that

Hmm.

Yeah, it is.

I'll have to try that too.

My goodness.

I'm just going to leave this discussion with a list of things

So, okay, Angela, one quick question.

Before we go, is we mentioned your I'd be happy to list.

tell me what is the great secret to getting your kids to say, you know,

And they respond.

I'd be happy to, I would love to know that secret.

Will you please, please, please, tell me how to make make that possible.

And it's so easy and it really does work.

It's like magic.

So we call it the I'd be happy to game.

It's part of our kudos for kids system, but I've pulled just the, I'd be happy to

It changes the whole feeling in your home.

So basically the I'd be happy to game is where you tell your kids.

Again, you're set it up in a real positive way.

Hey guys, gather on the table.

I got to tell you something super exciting I heard about that.

We're going to do, it's called the, I'd be happy to game.

Now you've done the background work and set everything up ahead of time.

But when you're talking to your kids, you're like, every time you say I'd

And they just love it because they realize that every time they say I'd

All of a sudden it's worth something to say, I'd be happy to.

So I do have on our website, I do have the, I'd be happy to game

It involves a lot of different things.

So these are the tokens.

You just get these, you can print them off, laminate them, cut them up.

You just get however many you want for the number of kids in your home.

And every time they say I'd be happy to and do it with a smile,

So in the past where you've had like whining, complaining, I

Can you go do such and such and it'd be like, oh my gosh,

Or they, sometimes they wouldn't say they weren't going to do it, but they

As soon as I started playing, I'd be happy to game.

They were like, yeah, mom, I'd be happy to you.

And they'd run and do it with a smile because they got these tokens.

And it kind of goes back to what we were talking about earlier where we

So these tokens can turn into real money at the store.

Or I like having a family store where I know somebody needs

And I have things in my family store that they can purchase with these tokens.

But also I like having a treasure box or a treat bucket.

So we have labels for treat bucket and for treasure box and they can use

In the treasure box I used to put things from the dollar store.

It can be toys, anything that you can think of.

I would gather everything an old kid's meal toy that the older kid didn't want

I would throw that in here.

Then the treat bucket is just a bucket with the label on it.

And you put things in there they're going to want to eat,

Suckers, gum, those crackers with peanut butter that you get

So your kids are going to learn.

You're going to tell them every time I ask you to do something and you say,

And then over here in a.

Each kid's going to have his token.

So go put it in your cup.

You just got another token.

And again, with this, we have the same privileges list

Write down everything they can buy, let them help you come

And as we mentioned before, the pizza party, date with mom

Your kids are going to know.

I have a friend, one of the biggest things that their kids love on

room.

She's like, they'll do anything for that.

They like work all day to get that.

And she said, I don't think we'll ever sleep alone in our room again, like

And so when they have stuff on here that they really, really want that they're

I was talking to my 21 year old the other day and he said, I

I would say, I'd be happy to do it with a smile and get the tokens.

We actually do use the kudo cash is that I got so rich on that game.

It's so funny.

If you say, if you're like, oh my gosh, I'm running out of tokens.

Now I have to go print some more.

You guys are earning so many, I'd be happy to tokens and you're just

It just takes a few hours of explaining.

And once they try it, they're going to be like, oh wait, I need 10 tokens to

And I just said, I'd be happy to how many times.

Okay.

They're just going to be jumping up.

What can I do for your mom waiting for you to say something and then as

kids ask you for something you can say, I'd be happy to, and just have

And it will change the attitudes like.

It literally changes attitudes that fast, because what you're doing is

see instead of rewarding, whiny, stinky behavior, you're rewarding,

So it works.

So if you're interested, we have the free download it, kudos for families.com.

Just go print them off.

Start now because why wait?

It's huge to have kids with good attitudes.

My kids are older and I'm like, I think I might implement this anyway.

I mean, Hey, I'd like to put myself on the program, My privileges

Just read a book like alone time with no interruptions for 30 minutes.

I think this could apply too for grandchildren.

Yes.

Especially if they live close by.

Many grandmothers have a week at grandma's house or something like that.

A grandma's camp.

When you have the grandchildren there for an extended period of time.

And that would just elevate the joy of being there.

It sounds like fun.

No, I wished I had little kids.

Well, maybe not.

It works.

And it works with grandkids.

I mean, you could put your coworkers on the system.

I don't know.

It works with anyone who doesn't want to have somebody say, I'd be happy to

And if, as a parent, if you use it, you're going to feel good.

I should mention something else.

And that is sometimes parents will say, I don't think I should have

I just want them to be good because they should be good.

I want it to be internal.

What happens is you're starting off by rewarding them extrinsically.

They're not doing it because they get the good feeling inside, but you're

What happens is when you're pairing that behavior with an external

So it becomes internalized.

So you're going to be raising kids who are excited to cooperate

And then it's paired and they, all of a sudden it's rewarding them internally

They're going to say I'd be happy to and do it with a smile because it

So it's introducing the behavior, giving them the rewards, but because

I love that.

Oh Angela, this has been so, so very helpful and I am so thankful.

Would you mind telling us the website one more time so that we can know

Absolutely.

The other there's a contact form in there.

So the website is kudos for families.com.

It's a nonprofit organization.

We just want to put as many resources on there as we can to help parents.

So kudos for families.com.

We also are starting up a Facebook group.

Called kudos for families.

So if you just go to Facebook, look up kudos for families.

It's a group, it's a free private group.

We want parents to come on there and support each other.

Say, Hey, I tried the I'd be happy to game or gosh, I can't get my kid to stop lying.

What do you do?

So there's support there and you can also go to the website

So you can try that.

I'd be happy to game.

Now you got a printer at home and print it off and do it today.

Awesome.

Let's get on that like yesterday.

Thank you so much, Angela.

This has been such a joy to have you on the podcast today.

We really appreciate you being here and sharing your wisdom and your experience,

So thank you for being here today.

Sure.

I've been so happy to be here.

It's been wonderful chatting with the two of you so much fun.

We need mama time is when we talk and get together like this.

So, so great.

Thank you.

To all you wonderful moms out there.

We're looking for topics that will be of interest to our listeners.

If you have a question or a topic you would like to know more about,

We look forward to hearing from you.

Before we go, we want to let you know what we have to look forward to on the

Next week, we are going to be talking about home safety because

So we will be having battalion chief and Fire Marshall.

Mr.

Larsen, come on and talk to us about what we can do to make our homes

Stay tuned for that.

I appreciate what Angela told us about finding what motivates our kids.

The 2021 National Mother of the Year, Dr.

Mautra Staley Jones shared this thought: Prior to becoming a mom.

I heard stories of how different each child would be.

And I didn't believe this notion from seasoned mothers who

As a proud mother of three, they are indeed amazingly unique.

Every single day is different, and as a result, a great deal of

Motherhood is a beautiful journey that is ever changing as you navigate the

It is wonderful to nurture them as they explore and create their own paths

Tamara, After our discussion today with Angela, I hope that our

Sometimes it's hard figuring it out, but the outcome is so rewarding.

We invite all of you to share your thoughts and successes with

Thanks so much for listening to today's show.

If you like what you've heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly

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We look forward to visiting with you one mom to another next week.

Until then, just do your best at mothering, and remember you're not alone.

You've got an army of mothers all around you cheering you on