Cold Open

Setting: A rooftop

NARRATOR

Long ago, on a distant rooftop in downtown Megalopolis, a chorus of blows reached its crescendo, and two opposing notes found a strange harmony.

[Sounds of a fight echo. Discordant musical notes ring amongst the sound of punches. The quality of the dialogue and sound effects are lowered as though recorded on a cell phone.]

CONCERTO

You think that's going to work? Always the same old song and dance, Discord.

DISCORD

[swooning]

How can I resist? The steps are outlined in blood, my fair conductor. I made you, Concerto, and you complete me. That's why you chose the name, right? You work alone, but together we make sweet, sweet music.

CONCERTO

Hate to break it to you, but I chose the name for my sonic powers.

DISCORD

Come now, you’re saying you took no inspiration? I was your first villain, even before you put on those silly masks and tights!

CONCERTO

I have no idea what you mean.

DISCORD

[Pouty]

Fine. Play coy, but we both know how you got those powers. If it helps, you were the first hero to actually stop me! You made me the villain I am today, just like I made you. We complement each other perfectly.

CONCERTO

I am who I am because I vowed to stop you! And I'll keep stopping you!

DISCORD

Oh promises, promises. I'll just keep popping up. Sneaking into the score of your life when you least expect it. You won't always be around to stop me… will you?

CONCERTO

I will! I swear it! I'll always be there to stop you and your ridiculous schemes.

DISCORD

Well then, you'd better commit to the song and dance. We'll be doing it for the rest of your life.

CONCERTO

You can count on it!

[Fighting resumes]

[Theme Song]

Scene 1

Setting: Conference room.

[Discord displays the video to the law team on his phone.]

DISCORD

We've been committed nemeses for 15 years, you see. Sure, fairweather fights have come and gone and he's surrounded himself with sycophants and sidekicks trying to prove me wrong, but in the end he always comes to me when I sound off.

[distraught, almost crying]

He’s always kept his promise in the past! Year after year, I’ve played my part, threatening, endangering, playing the right notes! And now...now…

HARPER

He's retiring…

DISCORD

This rivalry has been the motivating factor in my, no! OUR lives for over a decade. He and I are counterparts. This duet we've been playing, I — I don't know who I am without it! He can't just up and leave me like that! I don't have anything but this!

MAL

What do you want from us, precisely? Even licensed heroes aren't technically legally authorised for vigilante actions. There's certainly nothing in the law that would force him to continue said actions.

DISCORD

He swore it to me. He made a promise to always stop me. That's an agreement. Can you do something?

[A beat passes]

MAL

[Joy in his voice]

Enforcing a verbal contract… oh, that could be interesting. Ho ho, arguing that that exchange is enforceable would be a challenge.

DISCORD

Does that mean you'll take the case?

MAL

That all depends. What are you looking to gain from this? Preventing him from retiring is a nonstarter. No judge will conscript him into continuing vigilante work, no matter how good a case we build. What else would satisfy you?

DISCORD

I… I don't know. I need him to rue the day he dared to cut our dance short.

MAL

Well, how do you expect he'll be spending his retirement?

DISCORD

Probably attending art auctions and Galas and live shows with his gaggle of orphans. It makes me sick to my stomach that he could fill his days with such drudgery.

HARPER

Sorry, gaggle of orphans?

MAL

Sounds to me like you could certainly take him for quite a bit of money if we won the case.

DISCORD

I guess.

MAL

When you say galas, are we talking down at City Hall or somewhere more extravagant?

DISCORD

I caught him off guard at the yacht show at the harbor last year.

MAL

Well then. It does seem that a financial blow would be effective.

DISCORD

If going after his wallet will make him feel the way I do, then let's proceed, Mr. Aria.

MAL

Very well. Have you continued to fulfill your end of the contract even after the retirement announcement?

DISCORD

Of course. I've attacked the city and him personally multiple times, but he hasn’t come. He just sends one of his colorful choirboys. It goes the same way every time.

[Wipe sound effect]

SONGBIRD/CHORUS/TWANG/BREAKDOWN

Discord!

SONGBIRD

[Boy voice high pitched sing song]

You

CHORUS

[Multiple voices played - Clone Powers]

Won’t

TWANG

[Southern Accent - Stretching noises]

Get

BREAKDOWN

[Low rumble like an earthquake]

Away

SONGBIRD/CHORUS/TWANG/BREAKDOWN

With

SONGBIRD

Making robotic duplicates of my grandparents!

CHORUS

Rigging my birthday balloons to pop and spew toxic gas!

TWANG

Sinking the city council building during the opera’s fundraiser!

BREAKDOWN

Financing a campy musical about us!

[Wipe effect]

DISCORD

There were a couple that his underlings had to team up for... one where I used a time machine to traumatize Concerto with a cymbal monkey and one where I disguised myself as his sidekick's mom in order to take custody from him. But nothing drew out the man himself.

[scribbling noises]

MAL

Mx. Hallo, please stop writing down the details of our potential client’s illegal actions.

HARPER

Oh, I’m not doing this for the case. It’s just in case Smurton gets any ideas.

MAL

Hm. I don’t know what that means and I don’t care to. Continue, Mr. Discord.

DISCORD

No matter what I threw at him, he would just send a lackey, never lifting a finger. The last time I tried kidnapping his girlfriend and Songbird, his golden boy showed up instead. I turned around expecting my other half and nothing! I was so done with it I just let them go.

HARPER

And Drumroll just… let you leave?

DISCORD

Eh, he wasn't that hard to escape. His little brother and potential step-mom were in danger. That one's always been soft, not like the one I—

[Discord breaks out into maniacal laughter]

MAL

I must inform you, the chances of success in this case are slim, and pursuing this involves a personal risk to you. It will require you to incriminate yourself repeatedly, and the courts will not look on you kindly. However. As it is your hero counterpart’s actions we mean to enforce, rather than yours… If we are very, very careful with how we portray your actions, we may have a chance.

DISCORD

Then let's do it.

MAL

Excellent. You shall hear from us soon. Stop at the front desk so we can obtain your payment information, please.

[Discord leaves]

HARPER

Wow. This is going to be an interesting week.

MAL

I concur.

HARPER

I have to say, Mr. Aria, I’m surprised you’re so into this!

MAL

It's been a long time since I’ve had a genuine challenge, Mx. Hallo. And even if we don’t succeed, the payout could be massive. Even more so if we do.

HARPER

Then let’s get to work!

Scene 2

Setting: Mal's office, then analysis room

HARPER

So, what do you think it is?

MAL

What?

HARPER

Well, brothers? Former lovers? Childhood friends?

MAL

Discord and Concerto?

HARPER

Yeah, Discord clearly knows Concerto's secret identity! They must have some kind of prior relationship.

MAL

Maybe they've simply fixated on one another. I've seen it happen before.

HARPER

You don't just get so fixated on someone you barely know that you let it absorb 40 years of your life.

[uncomfortable Mal noises]

HARPER

Or… do you?

MAL

Enough of this.

HARPER

Come on, sir, you must be a little curious.

MAL

Only about how we can win this case. I need you to do some research. Work with LOIS and go through as many video logs of their battles that you can. Mark down notable quotes, actions, anything that could be used as evidence for or against Concerto perceiving the bargain as Discord does. We're going to have to establish that their verbal contract was a meeting of the minds, made in good faith. Look for language resembling that of the contract in question, and indications of whether Concerto truly seemed to value Discord’s… enemyship. We need to prove consideration. See if you can dig into that statement about Discord being the source of Concerto's powers as well. If he admits that, it could be just what we need.

HARPER

Okay, I can start on that today… but I can't do much tomorrow because of my graduation ceremony. I'm finally done with law school!

MAL

[Offhandedly]

Right, right. Congratulations. You earned it.

HARPER

[disproportionately enthusiastic]

Thank you, sir!!!

MAL

Keep me informed as you uncover evidence. I'm going to work on building the case.

HARPER

On it. LOIS, can you book a conference room for me while I brew up some coffee?

[Transition]

[Popcorn crunches and battle sounds play]

CONCERTO

It always comes down to you and me, doesn't it?

DISCORD

I know, just how we both like it.

CONCERTO

I can easily handle you alone.

DISCORD

Roundabout way of saying you want me to yourself.

HARPER

Ooh.

CONCERTO

I do love our playdates.

HARPER

Ooh!

[Let the VAs flirt with each other for background noise for this scene]

HARPER

Wow. They talk like this all the time?

LOIS

It resembles the dialogue of a teen drama show.

HARPER

I know! It’s so… horny. Especially for a hero-villain pairing. What do you think? I'm leaning towards married.

LOIS

There are rumors they are third cousins twice removed. Though I believe those are from before they began to coparent one of his sidekicks.

HARPER

Really?

LOIS

No, Birdbrain.

HARPER

Hmph.

LOIS

Refocus. We have a job to do.

HARPER

Right, right. Well, it's obvious that they were fixated on each other. They team up whenever anything challenging comes along and spend the whole time bantering like they're inches away from kissing.

[Remote click]

DISCORD

[Panting]

You know, this doesn't change a thing. Come tomorrow I'm going to be souring your sheet music yet again.

CONCERTO

I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll be right there to play you off.

LOIS

“Play you off.” Is that what the kids are saying these days?

HARPER

And then there’s this one — one of his sidekicks was caught in a death trap and Concerto was just swooning over his villain speech!

[Remote click]

SHRED

[ Female - Younger in this clip]

D-dad?!

CONCERTO

I'll be right there. It would be rude to interrupt. Do go on.

DISCORD

Honestly, doesn't your father teach you any manners?

SHRED

I'm about to be fried by an electric guitar! I think I'm reasonably worried!

CONCERTO

So sorry about this. She's still new to hero etiquette.

HARPER

That one… doesn't end very well. Unrelated, is there a legal limit to the number of kid sidekicks a hero can have?

LOIS

No laws currently prohibit a hero from taking on multiple wards.

HARPER

Honestly, maybe there should be. Concerto has had at least ten. But either way, look at the way they talk to each other. It’s like they're dating.

LOIS

The luncheon trap did seem to be stretching the bounds of what you can call a trap.

HARPER

I'm pretty sure it was just a way for them to catch up.

[Remote clicks]

[Concerto struggles against his binding. An evil laugh rings out in the room]

CONCERTO

It can't be...

DISCORD

OH, but it is! I took a tour up and down the River Styx, but now I'm back and ready for my comeback concert!

CONCERTO

But how is that possible?

DISCORD

Well you know what they say, *Censored*. Can't keep a good artist in retirement. I brought you here to announce my return. I even made you a special dish.

CONCERTO

Poison?!

DISCORD

No. Chicken risotto.

CONCERTO

Oh… my favorite.

HARPER

There's no doubt in my mind that Concerto values Discord from all this footage.

LOIS

In that case, I will inform Mal that he can proceed with the case.

HARPER

Wait!

LOIS

This cannot be good.

HARPER

Well… are we sure this needs to go to court?

LOIS

What do you mean?

HARPER

I mean, I’m not sure this is a legal issue so much as a… personal one. Wouldn’t it be better if we could… solve it without a lawsuit?

LOIS

We are a law firm, and Mr. Aria clearly expects this case to pay out.

HARPER

He also said it was risky! If I could come up with a plan that gets us paid without the chance of failure, then it's a win win.

LOIS

Mx. Hallo, we were hired for a purpose —

HARPER

Some of the most important things I’ve done while I’ve worked here have been going beyond what I was hired to do! Getting Duperman and Mr. Cayne to make up, that stuff with Reynard last week, telling Mark Ment about — um. Some things.

LOIS

I’m sorry, Mx. Hallo, did you break attorney-client confidentiality?

HARPER

No, no, nothing like that! Um. Anyway, it will be fine. Let me ask Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo about preserving our paycheck. That's the most important thing to Mal.

LOIS

I do not think he will-

HARPER

Just trust me.

[Transition]

[Bonnie and Cole are frantically working on a case.]

HARPER

Hypothetically…. If I were to conduct an elaborate scheme to make a case settle out of court, would we still be paid?

BONNIE

[Without looking up]

Long as you keep track of your billable hours and expenses it should be fine. Cole, pass me that file?

COLE

The billing department gets plenty of strange requests. I doubt whatever you do they would take issue with it. Porosis or…

BONNIE

Kelvin please. You're the best. Sorry we're a bit tied up for the next week or two with this suit. A Doomsday device seems to have appeared out of thin air. It's got tech from 4 villains that all claim they had nothing to do with it and they want to sue the reporters for defamation.

COLE

Hate to leave you in the cold but we probably won't have the time to help with your plan this week.

HARPER

That's okay. I can figure it out on my own. Thanks for the advice.

COLE

Oh, and Harper! Congratulations on the graduation.

BONNIE

We hope tomorrow is amazing for you and we'll celebrate once we're through this.

HARPER

Thanks, you two! I’ll see you on the other side!

Scene 3

Setting: Harper’s graduation

[Graduation music but slightly more heroic fills the air students are bustling and chattering]

HARPER

[quietly to themself]

Wow… we actually made it. And I managed to make valedictorian! Today is the best.

[Making their way to their seat.]

GIDEON

Ah, Hallo.

HARPER

Smurton.

GIDEON

I guess they seated both of us up here.

HARPER

Well, we were the top two members of the class.

SIMON

[smug af and slowly fading]

I, Simon, come to you today as the most prominent alumnus of Megalopolis Law, to usher in the new generation of...

GIDEON

[In Harper's mind]

Well, today is the day, Hallo. To be quite earnest, I will miss sparring with you.

HARPER

[In their mind]

Wow. I never would have expected congratulations from you! To think just a few days ago I was thinking about disguising myself as your mom.

GIDEON

What?

HARPER

Nothing. You know, deep down I think I might even miss the challenge of our debates, too.

GIDEON

Well, who knows. Maybe we'll end up on opposite ends of the court again. It would be nothing short of exhilarating to best you in the professional world.

HARPER

Oh, Gideon, ever the charmer. But honeyed words and honeyed thoughts if I've ever heard them.

SIMON

And now! Our top student, number 1 in the class, has exemplified hard work and determination throughout all three years of law school, and will now lend us some hard-earned wisdom!

HARPER

See Smurton? Hard work and determination have gotten me here, they’ll put me on top in all future encounters as well!

GIDEON

You genuinely think he’s referring to you?

SIMON

Then, our other top student in the number one spot will lend us wisdom born from talent and tenacity!

HARPER

No, you’re right, I believe that one’s me.

GIDEON

Absurd! In a contest of raw talent there is no contest!

SIMON

So please welcome, Gideon Smurton and Harper Hallo! Or Harper Hallo and Gideon Smurton! Eh, I’m sure you know who you are.

HARPER

[through a microphone]

Hello, students and parents. I’m —

[feedback noises and struggling]

What are you doing?!

[Gideon and Harper struggle over the mic for the next few lines]

You think both of them were for you?!

GIDEON

Well, I certainly embody them more than you do!

HARPER

In your dreams, Smurton! I —

[smash cut away]

HOLLY

Oh, Harper! We were so proud of you up there, honey. You graduated! You're going to change the world!

HARPER

It's nothing mom. Of course I graduated. If I couldn't do that I wouldn't be able to call myself a Hallo.

HERBERT

And with flying colors! Our little valedictorian! We couldn't be prouder.

HARPER

It would be a lot more impressive if Gideon and I hadn't tied with a 4.298. I can't believe this!

[Holly and Herbert share a knowing look and snicker.]

HARPER

What was that?

HOLLY

Oh nothing, dear. Just got a little nostalgic.

HERBERT

If it helps, I thought your acceptance speech was much more compelling than his.

HOLLY

I’m absolutely kvelling! My baby is-

HARPER

[Exasperated]

Oh, look, there's Hazel! I'd better go catch up with them.

[Harper runs to meet Hazel away from their parents.]

HAZEL

Sib! You were great up there. Even with the guy that drives you crazy fighting for the spotlight.

HARPER

Thanks. Smurton is the worst.

HAZEL

I can tell. I haven’t seen you that cheeky talking to someone in years.

HARPER

Well, neither of us won in the end. Apparently we both aced every class except our stupid J-term elective.

HAZEL

Wow, that’s adorable.

HARPER

No! It’s infuriating! Man, I really thought we were going to make up for a second. Part of me wishes that I had that closure.

[Lightbulb moment]

That's it! Closure! Hazel, I could use your help with something.

HAZEL

What, for work? It’s your graduation day!

HARPER

We have a big case going on!

HAZEL

Please, come out tonight! Celebrate with me. You can go back to being a workaholic tomorrow.

HARPER

I really need to get a hold of Concerto, though. If I go out will you help me?

HAZEL

[Smiling]

Well, lucky you. I'm about to get drinks with a few heroes our age including… Drumroll. You get a fun night out and a direct line to Concerto!

HARPER

Perfect! I'll meet you later.

HAZEL

It's a date!

[Transition]

HAZEL

Harper, this is Drumroll.

DRUMROLL

You're Hazel's sibling right? Wow, you really are identical. If you both weren't here I'd assume you were their secret identity.

HARPER

Yeah, we get that a lot. Hero families, right?

DRUMROLL

You have no idea. Count yourself lucky there aren't 12 of you. I'm glad Dad is retiring so I can do a little less child rearing and more living. I love my siblings, but we're a mess.

HARPER

Actually, I was hoping to ask about the retirement. Discord came into our office the other day wanting to sue your dad for his attention.

DRUMROLL

Honestly, that's better than kidnapping baby bird again. But he's never gonna quit, is he?

HAZEL

He kidnapped your little brother?

DRUMROLL

He knows all our secret identities, so he just has to strike when we can't fight back. Talk about obsessed. Not that dad didn't egg it on.

HARPER

Well the last few times he attacked, you or your siblings took care of it.

DRUMROLL

Yeah, Dad still doles out missions and cases to us since he can’t help himself. When Discord pops up he pushes it onto one of us.

HARPER

Well… what if all of you were busy?

DRUMROLL

We can drop most things if we have to. He's too high a priority.

HARPER

Okay, but do you think your dad might come out of retirement for a night if none of you could make it? I just think that it's the suddenness of the situation that’s causing a problem, you know? If Discord could have his final showdown, "Stop me once and for all Concerto, bleh," I think he would be content to retire and leave it alone.

DRUMROLL

Those two do revolve around each other. Maybe if he got to say goodbye that would be enough.

HAZEL

Well, how would you draw him out without hurting people?

HARPER

I don't think he wants to hurt anyone at this point, I think he just wants Concerto's attention. If we manufactured a hostage crisis, I doubt he would bother even doing anything until Concerto showed up. If… you could keep your siblings away.

DRUMROLL

You want to Parent Trap them? I like this one, Hazel!

HARPER

If we don't do something, he's only going to keep coming for you.

DRUMROLL

I'm in. I'll keep the sibs away but ready to spring into action close by if things go south.

HAZEL

When do we do it?

HARPER

What? I can't drag you into this stupid scheme.

HAZEL

He's still a psychopath. You need someone in the room that can defend the "hostages." Besides, you say that like this is the first time we've pulled a scheme together!

HARPER

When we were kids! Before you had to be in the public eye!

HAZEL

Relax, if all goes according to plan nobody will even know I was there. When are we doing this, little drummer boy?

DRUMROLL

We have to pick our moment. Shred won't go along with this, but she's going out of town next weekend with some friends of mine.

HAZEL

She never let the electric guitar thing go, huh?

DRUMROLL

Well… you've seen her new persona. Does that scream over it?

[Harper and Hazel grimace.]

Yeah, so your best bet is while she's gone.

HARPER

Alright!

HAZEL

To Parent Trapping this bitch!

[Clinks bottle]

Scene 4

Setting: Hostage Crisis

[The sound of actors doing vocal warm-ups]

ACTOR

Can we just get a little bit more stage direction?

HARPER

Okay, Discord over here is going to make a big show out of having all of you tied up. He's going to record a little video and send it to Concerto to draw him out. The two of them will take it up to the roof and then you all will be free to go.

ACTOR

Easiest gig I've had for a while.

HARPER

5th Harmony, are we ready on standby?

DRUMROLL

[Over Comms]

Ready to roll.

HARPER

[whispering]

Imp, have you blended in with the actors? How's the face mask?

HAZEL

[Whispering over Comms]

Itchy, to be honest, but I’m integrated, and Discord seems unsuspecting. If he pulls anything I'll be there to stop it.

HARPER

[Louder]

Discord, the actors are ready! Everyone’s outfitted and made up for the video.

DISCORD

And you're sure he'll show up?

HARPER

He wouldn't be much of a hero if he didn't. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

DISCORD

Thank you, Harper! Now you had better get a move on. I can't imagine it would be good if Concerto were to see you all free and clear.

HARPER

Alright, I'll leave you to it.

[Transition]

NARRATOR

On a nearby rooftop!

DRUMROLL

Harper, these are some of my siblings. Youngest to oldest we have Songbird, Chorus, Twang and Breakdown. Jazzhands and Crescendo don't live in town.

HARPER

Hi, I'm Harper. Thanks for helping me out with this.

BREAKDOWN

Thank you! We're tired of being terrorized by this creep, anything that gets him off our back is worth it.

CHORUS

Only if it works, Breakdown. I still say we should let Shred have at him. Dad would get over it.

DRUMROLL

You know we can't do that. She'll tear him apart and be labeled a villain.

CHORUS

Yeah, but that's bull.

DRUMROLL

I'm not saying it's right, but that's how it is, Chorus.

TWANG

Anyway, this plan is a good one. What could possibly go wrong?

[A beat passes]

HARPER

Why would you say that?

SONGBIRD

If nobody gets hurt then we're good.

HARPER

Aren't you a little youn-

SONGBIRD

[Artificially deepening voice]

I'm 13.

[All of their phones start going off]

DRUMROLL

Oh thank god it's just, Dad. Everybody stick to your guns and don't give him an inch. He'll be here before the deadline.

SONGBIRD

You did… check that Shred made it out of town right?

DRUMROLL

Why?

SONGBIRD

I just got a text that says, "Off to slag a scuzzball. Pizza after, baby bird?"

DRUMROLL

Let me see that. Why would you reply "Bet"?

SONGBIRD

She offered to buy me free pizza. What am I supposed to say? NO???

[Drumroll frantically calls his sister]

DRUMROLL

Hey, sis…. How's the trip?

SHRED

[On Speaker]

Missed my flight. But it's okay, I found an alternative way to enjoy my night, and I ship out in the morning.

DRUMROLL

You aren't going to the hostage situation, are you?

SHRED

[Clearly lying]

… no?

DRUMROLL

Did dad ask you?!

SHRED

No, I infected the mission brief computer with a virus months ago. Like Dad wouldn't try to stop me…

DRUMROLL

And you won't let your favorite big brother talk you out of it?

SHRED

Stay out of my way or I'm gonna have to fight you. Besides, I know you're busy with Mari.

[Shred makes teasing kissing noises]

[Call clicks]

DRUMROLL

OKAY! NEW PLAN. Dad will still be coming and Cherub can safeguard the actors. We just… have to stop Shred from killing Discord.

HARPER

Okay, not the best, but you're all here to handle it! Things are going well inside the building at least.

HAZEL

[Over Comms]

Hey Harper! Soooooo we might have a problem.

HARPER

Why did I say that.

HAZEL

Discord set up a bomb as soon as you left. He's muttering to himself about hopefully not having to use it, but are we 100% certain Concerto’s gonna show? I can't let this go on too much longer with that in play.

HARPER

Is it a timer or a switch?

HAZEL

Oh, he's smarter than I thought, it's both. 20 minutes on the timer. Apparently you should never judge a man by their brightly colored tap shoes.

HARPER

So 10 minutes after when Concerto is supposed to show up. Your dad never waits for stoplights, right?

TWANG

50/50.

HARPER

Oh god, we're screwed. Cherub, can you surprise him? Get the switch?

HAZEL

I can try, but he'll probably see me coming. I could use a distraction.

HARPER

I can try to send in one of the-

TWANG

SHE'S HERE!

HARPER

Or not. Try to hold down the fort. Concerto will be here on time. I'll keep you posted after Shred is stopped.

[Shred shoots over the rooftop on a Guitar/hoverboard. She dismounts her hoverboard and attached it to her back]

TWANG

Now okay. This is goin' ta seem bad. But we need you to let him go.

SHRED

You idiots are behind this? All of you?

DRUMROLL

Look, it looks worse than it is.

SHRED

Looks like you're sitting by while that maniac keeps hostages. Which means…. It's fake… to draw Dad out. Is that really Discord down there?

BREAKDOWN

Yes, but-

SHRED

Whelp good enough for me.

[Shred reaches back to grab the handle of her guitar and in one steady movement bats Breakdown off the roof]

BREAKDOWN

Hey!

DRUMROLL

Harper, take cover!

CHORUS

[Multiple voices]

For the record, I voted we give you the one free murder.

SHRED

Thanks, bud. I'll hit you a little less hard for that.

[Sounds of clones charging Shred only for her to hop onto her board and grind in a circle batting them away. She's about to rocket towards the building when a series of drumstick taps ending in a blast fires. She falls off and is separated from her weapon]

DRUMROLL

Songbird, Twang, follow my lead!

[Drumroll taps his sticks together to set the beat and the three of them launch. Drumroll rushing forward to keep Shred off balance with a kick. Twang following up with a Super stretch punch to the chest and grabbing her leather jacket. Songbird slides under and lets out a sonic scream shooting her into the air and Twang pulls her back down onto the rooftop.]

SONGBIRD

[Puppy dog look voice]

We're still getting pizza after this right?

SHRED

[Haggard]

… Damn, I can't stay mad at you.

TWANG

Or me, right?

SHRED

Mmm, no one likes a middle child!

TWANG

[Hurt]

Now that one was just uncalled for.

SHRED

You slammed me onto a roof instead of letting me commit one measley murder. Is it that hard to let a girlboss win?

DRUMROLL

If the winning gets you branded a villain, then yeah!

SHRED

[Deadpan]

I hate this family.

[Sounds of the fight continue]

HARPER

Heeeeeey. How are things inside?

HAZEL

Rapidly deteriorating. I slipped away, but there hasn't been a good moment to strike. The actors have realized the bomb is real and are struggling, but nobody has gotten hurt beyond some chafed wrists from the ropes.

HARPER

Thank goodness. Thanks for being here. I wasn't expecting this to be nearly as high stakes.

HAZEL

What are siblings for? Besides, it's kinda fun watching you work.

HARPER

Come on, it's not as exciting as being a hero.

HAZEL

It isn't that different from where I'm standing.

HARPER

[Giddy]

Thanks. I- YES, Concerto just rolled up! I'll keep my eyes on the feed. Don’t spring into action before both parties agree that this is their final confrontation. We need that recording.

NARRATOR

While two sets of siblings come to an understanding, let's take a peek inside for ourselves.

CONCERTO

DISCORD! Let these people go!

DISCORD

My, my, my, if it isn't the second chair. Finally ran out of brats to do your dirty work, eh?

CONCERTO

This is between you and me. One last duet.

DISCORD

Our grand finale? What we've always been building to? Either you stop me or I end you. Still, the venue isn't quite right.

CONCERTO

Oh?

DISCORD

I think we should really have this performance under the stars.

CONCERTO

I'm not just going to let you walk out!

DISCORD

Well, that's what the bomb is for.

[A curtain drops to reveal a bomb.]

DISCORD

HAHA, I'll just play myself out! See you on the roof.

[Discord exits and Concerto starts heading for the bomb. Hazel drops from the rafters.]

HAZEL

I can take care of that. Go to him.

HARPER

[on comms]

Have you got the time you need?

HAZEL

We'll see how complicated the bomb is.

NARRATOR

Things are looking tense here. But on the roof they're just heating up.

CONCERTO

I'm serious, Discord. This is the last time. I'm putting an end to it.

DISCORD

You… you came for me?

CONCERTO

Of course I did. It began with the two of us and it’s time for the curtain call.

DISCORD

I wouldn't have it any other way.

NARRATOR

MEANWHILE ON ANOTHER ROOF!

[Shred is being held back]

SHRED

LET! ME! GO!

[Shred kicks her way out of her brothers hold, grabs her board and rockets towards the building]

HARPER

[Into the comms]

We got the footage we needed, but Shred is coming to murder my client!

NARRATOR

[Frantic]

Back down in the bank!

BOMB

1 Minute Remaining.

HAZEL

Gonna have to improvise!

[Hazel picks up the bomb and runs out of the building. They rocket upwards]

HAZEL

[Over comms]

On my way up!

NARRATOR

Okay, back up to the roof! Shred is speeding towards her father's rendezvous. Hazel is shooting upwards with the bomb and our disastrous duo is starting their final confrontation.

SHRED

Almoooost the-

HAZEL

Duck and cover, Shred!

SHRED

Cherub?

[The bomb explodes in a hail of fireworks. Shred's board takes the blast and she starts to fall. Hazel catches and carries her away]

SHRED

Hmph. Any chance you'll let me do a murder?

HAZEL

Just let the old men retire.

[We fade out to the sounds of Concerto and Discord fighting with fireworks in the background. They sound like they're having the time of their lives]

[Over comms everybody cheers]

Scene 5

Setting: Smith et Al.

[Harper enters the office]

HARPER

[Yawning]

Great news Mr. Aria! I worked it all out.

MAL

Come again?

HARPER

Discord is officially dropping the suit and we have a wealth of billable hours we can charge him for. OH! LOIS, can you set up a meeting with billing to work out us being paid for the actors and the building rental and anything else I'm forgetting?

LOIS

I'll be sure to itemize each and every ridiculous expense.

HARPER

Thanks, LOIS.

MAL

I’m sorry, what happened?

HARPER

Well, I have some connections, so… I set up a hero-villain confrontation for the two of them and they worked out their tension!

MAL

[gobsmacked, a bit angry]

That business downtown last night was you?

HARPER

Well, me and a few heroes. It all worked out.

MAL

A bomb exploded in the Megalopolis skyline.

HARPER

Well, obviously that wasn't the plan. But it worked out fine!

MAL

Mx. Hallo, whether or not it "worked out fine" isn't the point! We had a case. We could have made it work legally. Without bombs and kidnappings.

HARPER

We'll still get the money. Probably just as much as we would have if we'd won that case.

MAL

[Pissed]

It's not about the money!

HARPER

I-

MAL

Mx. Hallo. I have let your extrajudicial plans go in the past, foolish as they were, but I cannot let this pass. All these “super” loopholes of yours, they’re crutches. They're easy ways out of difficult situations. Whenever I face opposition you don't see me flying in and draining them dry, do you?

HARPER

But I’m solving the problems!

MAL

You’re finding temporary fixes. I know you want to make a difference. If you go through the courts, our work can create precedent. We can, with time, modify entire systems with what we do. Do you think a single scathing article is going to keep Parasol from misbehaving? That… well, I still don’t entirely understand what you did with Reynard.

HARPER

[meek]

It was a Flyspace campaign. And, wait, you know about the Parasol article?

LOIS

I looked into it after your… slip, a few days ago. It wasn’t hard to figure out.

MAL

Regardless, do you truly expect a FlySpace campaign to solve the systemic problem of how lawsuits are viewed in this country? And now, in addition to being ineffective, your solutions are endangering people’s lives. Including your own.

HARPER

Nobody was hurt!

MAL

Yes. You were lucky this time. Next time you may not. I have seen this before, Mx. Hallo. It does not end happily.

[Mal sighs]

I know the law is far from perfect, but it's extremely powerful, more powerful even than superpowers. But you get out of it what you put into it. Patience, tenacity, and a hell of a lot of hard work yield results. If you fall back on chicanery whenever things become difficult, then perhaps this field isn’t for you after all.

HARPER

I-it is! Mr. Aria, please. I want to be a lawyer.

MAL

Then I hope to see you behave like one.

[footsteps, Mal begins to exit]

LOIS, wrap up Mr. Discord’s business. I’m taking a walk.

[Door opens and shuts. Harper groans.]

*Credits sting*

End Tag

Setting: Retirement Home

CONCERTO

Not again. Never again. You can't do this to me.

DISCORD

Too bad my, dear conductor! It's my turn to choose the programming and we're going to watch the Real Housewives of Megalopolis whether you can stop me or not!

NURSE

Now calm down you two. This is a nursing home, not a Saturday morning cartoon.

DISCORD

Somebody correct this gross injustice!

NARRATOR

And there you have it, dear listener, a bizarre relationship saved and a case resolved, but with a trip perhaps too far outside the box. Will Harper earn back Mal’s trust, and learn to stay on their chosen path? Find out next time on SUPER SUITS!