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The best plan is a canceled plan. There is no

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better plan to spend time with people than a canceled plan.

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Just because things are better right this second doesn't mean that

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you don't need to establish a plan. Should they not

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be? It doesn't mean that they're gonna stay better.

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If you did it while wearing pants when you didn't have to, that's a little

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bit of a fail. You should not have been wearing pants. Pants are outside clothes.

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All right, here we go. I'm gonna pretend I'm pushing record. Cause that feels right.

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Okay, I'm pressing record. Boop. Hi,

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everybody. I'm Lauren Howard. Welcome to Different

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Not Broken, which is our podcast on exactly that.

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That there are a lot of people in this world walking around feeling broken. And

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the reality is you're just different, and that's fine.

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Have I told you guys about the book that I want to write for my

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dad? I probably haven't told anybody this.

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So he started writing this and didn't

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finish it. I'm sure he's listening right now. He was a terrible writer. He's a

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horrible writer. I'm a good writer, and it never occurred to

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me to take his stuff and make it not bad. He did successfully write

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a textbook, and that is an excellent book, if you're into textbooks. He

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wrote the only textbook on addiction forensic medicine in

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psychiatry. So he did actually write a book. He was a published author.

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It sold hundreds of copies. Because it's niche.

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It's niche. I don't even think you would teach that in med school. You would

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teach that in, like, some very remote fellowship of

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somebody who's going into, like, addiction forensic medicine, which is like a whole different

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beast entirely. So he did write a book, but he wanted to write a book

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that I think was called Betsy Ross's

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Drawing Room, something along those lines, because

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Betsy Ross's grandson popularized this

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idea that she sewed the first American flag, which is

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not true. Betsy Ross owned a brothel,

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and that's where all of the men of

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wherever, I guess it would have been the Constitutional Convention. So Philadelphia.

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That's where all the men of Philadelphia went to get

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into all of their 1770 something

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trouble. And so she had technically had a

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pulse on what was happening in

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politics, but not because she was some great,

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benevolent seamstress, because she

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owned the brothel where they all hung out. And so he

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wanted to write the book of the things that happened in the drawing room of

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her brothel. And someday, when I have creativity and time

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and can do a little bit of research, I will finish that book

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for him. But he definitely started it and

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also was very. I mean, you wouldn't think that it would come up

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that often that her grandson made up the first American

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flag thing, but he managed to get it into conversation fairly regularly.

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Anyway, that's the book I'm gonna finish for my dad someday.

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So this isn't instruction. This is a very

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clear instruction for you if you have a brain

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that works like mine. And when I say that works like mine, I

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mean a brain that will go out

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looking for support when it's struggling. So, like,

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terrible anxiety. Reach out to a medical professional. Really

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tough day. Reach out to my therapist, whatever, which is the thing you're supposed to

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do, right? Something is not going well, or there's something that you don't

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understand or something that you can't explain. Ask for help.

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Ask for help, right? So you do

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the thing that you're supposed to do and you make the

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appointment, or you call the person, or you do the reach out,

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or you have that friend who says, anytime that happens, you call me and I'll

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talk you through it. And you do that. It's not instant gratification, like, you

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don't get the immediate response either because you have to

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schedule something or the person's not available, or all of the very

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reasonable things that happen when you're navigating

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other people's schedules and lives. People are not expected to be available

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at your beck and call. And that is completely reasonable. The

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instruction is, keep the appointment.

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You called, you reached out, you scheduled

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whatever it was. Keep the appointment. Because

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if you're like me, you do that when you're under

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an intense situation, when things are really, really difficult, when

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you really, really need the support and help, and if there's a delay of a

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day or two by the time you get to that appointment, things might be better.

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Maybe not solved, but, like, the pressure was brought down,

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the intensity is brought down. It's not crushing, it's not dire

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anymore. You don't feel like you're gonna have a panic attack and

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rocket off to the moon anymore. It's really easy to think, okay, I'm better

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now. I don't need that appointment. I don't need to talk to somebody. I'm okay.

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Keep the appointment. Just because it's not

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happening now doesn't mean it's not going to happen again. I

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don't say that to scare you. I don't say that to say that your anxiety

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is always going to come back or your stress is always going to come back

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and sure, there's a world where whatever problem

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solved itself and you don't have that anxiety anymore and you're fine. Sure, that's possible.

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But it's also possible that that's not true. And if it's not financially

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prohibitive, if it's not an undue hardship,

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keep the appointment. Just because

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things are better right this second doesn't mean that

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you don't need to establish a plan should they not

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be in the next however long. It doesn't

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mean that you don't need to develop that support system or

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use that support system at another time in

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the future. It doesn't mean that they're gonna stay

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better. Me, I tend to really struggle on the weekends

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with everything that's happening in life right now. During the week, I'm great because I'm

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working the whole time. I'm really goal directed. I'm super

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involved with a bunch of things. I'm constantly

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answering questions. I'm doing things for myself, for my

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family. Like I'm busy the whole time. I don't have time to process

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anything outside of what is immediately in front of me. And that is

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my preferred state of being. That

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is what works best for me. But man, the second it

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hits, like Friday night and the intensity, the need to get things

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done right now, releases or lessons and we go

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into Saturday. And Saturday can be a day where I get a whole bunch done,

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or it can be a day where I get nothing done. And it's

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a little harder to push myself to get things done because

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there's nobody on the other side of the computer screen waiting for the

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things that I'm putting out. That's when my brain starts to play tricks on me.

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That's when I start to feel really bad. Not always,

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but that's when I'm more likely to feel really bad.

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Which means it's also when I'm more likely to reach out for help or

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try to find a resource. But things don't always happen immediately, especially

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if it's on a Friday night or a Saturday. Realistically, Monday is going to be

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the earliest that somebody. Unless you're talking about a friend. But if you're talking about

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professionals, Monday's the earliest that somebody's going to intervene, unless

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it's an emergency, in which case, please go to the emergency room. In some cases

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it might be Tuesday, it might be Wednesday, it could be longer. And so that's

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a lot of time to get back into my routine and

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to feel more in control of things. Because the routine is winning or the

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routine is doing what the routine is supposed to do. And then you get to

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Wednesday and think, it's probably fine. I think things are fine,

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it's probably okay. And it's really easy to say, I probably don't need to go

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talk to anybody. I'm okay. Keep the appointment.

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These things can be roller coasters. And it is really easy

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to feel very, very secure when you're at the top and then you

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hit a dip and all of a sudden it's like, I'm falling. Because it's a

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roller coaster. And that's what happens. Keep the appointment.

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Do yourself the favor of building a support system, even

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if you don't need it immediately, even if you only go

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one time, even if you think you're okay for a while

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and then find out three months later you're not. You already established

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you can go back, it's there. And then you might find out that

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you went to the first one and it was great. And now you

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just need to schedule a follow up. And you're not sure when the follow up

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is or when you should schedule a follow up, but in the next couple of

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days, there's a thing, and that thing racks you with anxiety and

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oh, I need that follow up. I'm gonna go schedule that follow up. But you've

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already established the support system. Keep

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the appointment. Do not let your brain tell

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you that a 24 hour improvement is

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enough to skip out on building the

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things that you need. A 24 hour improvement could turn into a 6

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month improvement real quick. And that's amazing. And if that's the case, awesome. I'm so

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happy for you, so proud of. But that's not the way it always works. And

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you don't want to find out that you missed out on having

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the support system that you needed because you

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thought that things were fine when your brain

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and body were just not screaming at you at that moment. Keep the

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appointment.

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And now we'll go to Allison, who has this week's

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small talk. All right, we have a small talk from Marcus

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in Chicago. Hey, Lauren, I have a confession that feels ridiculous

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to even type. I canceled plans last Saturday

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and then had the best day I've had in months. I cleaned my

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apartment, made soup, watched a documentary about bridges.

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I was so happy. And then the guilt hit

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because I canceled on people I like, people who matter to me. And I

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felt like I should have been miserable to deserve the

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pass. So my question is, how do you stop feeling guilty

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for needing to recharge? I can't figure out if I'M an introvert

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who married an extrovert lifestyle or if I'm just someone

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who needs to renegotiate how I spend my weekends. Either way, the guilt

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thing is exhausting. So a couple of things. Send me the documentary

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on bridges I would like to watch. It sounds like 100% like the

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type of content that I live for, so just send it my way.

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Second off, like, did you hurt somebody? Did you harm somebody

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in the process of self caring? Was somebody mad at you

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because you missed something very important? Was there

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some level of expectation there outside of we

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would like you to come to this thing that you have not communicated because

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I don't know about you. But in my opinion, the best plan is a

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canceled plan. There is no better plan to spend

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time with people than a canceled plan. And I say that

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about things I really want to do because

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logistics, even ones that you're excited about, are

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emotional labor. And they're hard. Transitioning from one place to another,

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even if you're excited to do it, is hard. You don't have

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to do hard things just because you think you should. We can do hard

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things. We don't always have to. You had what sounds like a great day

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that you needed that made you feel like you were put back

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together, that nobody is yelling at you about.

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Sounds to me like you have the kind of friends that you could be like,

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yeah, sorry that I didn't come, but I didn't want to. And they would be

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like, I get that. I get that. And those are the kind of friends that

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introverts need. The friends who will push you

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when your social battery can handle it and who will give you space when your

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social battery cannot. And that is the best kind of friend.

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So how do you stop feeling guilty? I don't know. Guilt is

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emotional labor that you're doing for someone else. Usually someone who hasn't asked you to

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do it. I've gotten better at it. I'm still not great at it. There's still

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an aspect of the guilt that. But I think that's because I'm Jewish.

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That's pathological. That's not going anywhere. We're born with it. It's like a.

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You know, some people get trust funds, we get guilt. It's different.

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It's the same, but different. And so like, how do you

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get rid of it? That part I'm not sure about. But should you

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feel it? No. You didn't hurt anybody. You certainly didn't intentionally hurt

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anybody. There was no harm caused to anybody. Your house is

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cleaner you feel more centered. You had a great day that you

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really enjoyed and you didn't have to put on pants. That sounds like a

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global win. And if the only thing I will say is if you did it

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while wearing pants when you didn't have to, that's a little bit of a fail.

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You should not have been wearing pants. Pants are outside clothes. Unless you have,

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like, lots of other people who live in your house, then, okay, I'm sorry,

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pants. But if it was just you in the house all day, that's the

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only thing you might have done wrong. Other than that it sounds like you had

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a great day and anybody who loves you will support you in having that

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great day. And nothing earth shattering happened

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without you. And there will be more opportunities to spend time with those people.

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And you could make one right now if you feel that guilty about missing that

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time with that person. But otherwise, go watch bridge

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documentaries without pants on. That sounds great. Thanks for being here,

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guys. Have a good day. Love you, Mina.

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I basically parodied Baz Luhrmann as if I was Bill Clinton.

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It was like, follow your dreams, but leave before

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your wife has time to run for Senate. Like, I can't believe people weren't more

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impressed with how, like, deeply witty and intelligent I was at

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13 years old. That was hilarious. But anyway, that was me at

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13. I've always been like this.