There is no word for boundary. Like the closest that I know in Spanish is limit, which means a limit, but boundaries, like there's, I think there's a word that means like an actual, like barrier, like the word to put boundaries. No, I mean, there isn't one. So it goes to show, like, that's not what you do.

You are listening to the Reconnection Rescue Podcast for mothers and daughters with your host, Brittney Scott. A podcast where we process all things mother daughter relationships and the direct effect it has on the relationships we hold as adults.

Welcome back. It's your host, Brittney. This episode is going to be an interview with Ivy. Ivy is the eldest of two daughters born to immigrant parents who came from Mexico. She was raised in a small coastal town, south of Houston. She is the wife and a mother to a one and a half year old boy. She has two cats and a dog. She loves her family very much. But she struggled in the relationship with her mom. She chooses not to be estranged. In the interview, she discusses her childhood a little bit of her mom's childhood and the dynamics that are at play in their relationship. Ivy is the first of a few interviews did I am doing. Through each of these interviews, the goal is to give you different perspectives and different understandings of where painful mother daughter relationships can go, how each daughter responds to them in her own way. And I hope that you realize that you're not alone if you are feeling alone or understand that there are women who are in the same boat as you and that healing is possible. Healing a mother wound is possible. Setting boundaries so that way you can navigate your painful mother daughter relationship is possible and you don't have to stay in the hurt alone or in silence.

All right. And we have Ivy here with us. I'm so excited to be able to interview you and give you a chance to tell your story.

Thank you. I'm really happy to be here and thank you for giving me this opportunity.

So the first question I think I'm going to ask everybody, when did the relationship break down? What was the event where it was like, this is painful. This is not how this is supposed to be. I don't like this.

I would say When I had my son, so a year and a half ago, I started suffering from postpartum depression, had a very traumatic birth and it was a lot. So I had a previous job and I was going to go back to it, but the commute was very long. So I decided to quit my job and another opportunity arised, which is my current job now, but we needed childcare. So I asked my mom to help me for a little bit. With my son while I got started at work and things were okay, but things started, I guess she didn't like some of the things I was doing. And then I came home from work and I think my husband and I got into a fight. And so then me and my mom got into it. And then my husband saw who never has spoken. Bad to her or said anything to her because there's a language barrier, too He saw How she or he perceived how she was talking to me And so that day he put his foot down and told her that she needed to stop and you can imagine she Did not like it took out her stuff said I can't believe you're doing this to me You're letting him and one left mind you I was four months postpartum my first child and so i'm crying You She doesn't talk to me for two weeks. She boxed me, boxed my husband. It's still a little painful. And after those two weeks, I call her. And I just let her rip into me, tells me a lot of really ugly things, and I apologize, which is what I've been doing since I can remember, and I just knew that I'm just never gonna get what I need from her from that point on.

Yeah. That changed the dynamics a lot, having your husband step in.

It did. I think at that moment, he understood me because I don't think we're, we both have similar ethnic backgrounds, but not, he doesn't have the immigrant experience that I do. And so I think that changes a lot of the cultural dynamics he was raised on versus what I was raised in. And so I think at that moment, he realized. That I wasn't making things up sometimes. Yeah, he's seen things before, but at that moment, yeah, he it did change that in that way too.

Yeah, it was like a firsthand experience for him, not hearing you tell the story, but actually experiencing it. Yeah. Yeah, what did it feel like to have his support in that moment?

Honestly, but shocking. I was thankful But then I instantly regretted it because I didn't want him to feel the wrath of my mother And so I just felt I felt really bad then now He was under her radar of people she needed to flash out at. There, there hasn't been a confrontation like that since between them. I think my husband got really spooked because it's not something he's used to. So he's very cordial with her. Doesn't say anything. Again, there's that language barrier. He told me I'm never going to do this again because that was just. Yeah, it was not fun and seeing you be a wreck, like it just yeah, it was a very bad two weeks.

Yeah, that sounds rough. And that wasn't your first experience, but it was his. What is the relationship dynamics like now between you and your mom?

They're okay. I keep things very superficial. I don't tell her about work. I basically don't tell her anything that's wrong. In my life, everything's great, everything's fine, because I don't know what I'm gonna get, and if I get someone who's in a good mood that day, it can be whenever she's not in a good mood, and I happen to be around, it can be used against me, so right now I keep things very to the surface. I'm great, Arnie's great, my husband's great, everything's great! Yeah,

because that keeps her in a better mood.

Yes, I have to not make her

upset.

Yeah.

When you say that can be used against you, what would that look like?

I'm trying to think of an example. Oh, an example. We didn't, not into an argument, but it was another where she's a very active person. I, it was 4th of July weekend and I worked July 5th and so did my husband. So I asked her if she could take care of her son. And she said, yes, not because I needed a break or anything, but because we didn't have daycare the day after 4th of July, she can pick them up, even though I offered to bring him July 4th and I'd pick them up the next day afterwards. And then. I think they went him her and my dad went and took her took my son for a haircut without me and my husband knowing and then it wasn't until they sent me a picture that I said, wow, you put a lot. No, she didn't like that. She reacted negatively. And then she sent a group text and the group Texas. My immediate family, so myself, my sister, my dad, and my mom, this really long text, just call me ridiculous and dramatic, and she was doing me a favor, I'm ungrateful, and at the very end of that message, she said, you need to take care of him because I don't get, y'all didn't tire me out, so to me, that was a way of saying, I had him because you were tired and you had a break, so that's how I took it. She's using these little things where I need her and when I upset her, she leaves that. Yeah. That's how I took it.

Yeah. That's how it sounds. So if you don't, the swords I'm looking for, if you don't fully support her and her decisions and what she believes and how she feels, then you're automatically wrong.

Exactly.

So you have to do the job of taking care of her emotionally.

Yes, I do. My sister does. And I think it all stems from, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I think it's the dynamics of the marriage between her and my father, where my sister and I have had to be her first spouse. It was me growing up because I was the oldest, and now it's my sister because she lives at home. And so I think we've carried the responsibility of making sure mom is okay because my dad has failed at that, if I'm being quite honest.

So you guys were her support system because she didn't have that and who she should have received it from.

Yes, my, I will say, and my mom's not a bad person. I love her. She's done so many great things for me, but I think you're exactly right. I think my mom did not have the support system growing up. She didn't have it being married to my dad and my support system is her parents. Her dad died when she was Still young my grandma wasn't very supportive Neither were her siblings and the one sibling that could be there for her. She died. She died in a really terrible car accident So she's had a lot of trauma And so my sister and I have really been the only ones there for her You Yeah,

what did you need from your mom growing up that you didn't get

a lot of? Emotional support again. Sorry. It's okay. I still need it now. I'm a very sensitive So long as the insurance I was also a very academically gifted child so Getting feedback like you're doing greater You don't need to do this me, huh? Because I do realize I because it's an immigrant experience. I had to do everything on my own You I didn't get to ask for help. I had to figure it out on my own. I feel like I, a lot of emotional support I lacked

in. Not only lack, but you had to provide to her. What dynamics from your childhood and growing up with your mom are you changing for your children?

I am hoping. A lot and that's a great question that i'm still trying to work and work at. Because As you probably know, I don't know. Are you a mom yourself? Yes toddlers are But they don't they

are a lot

They are a lot Yes. I don't know how old are your kiddos if you don't mind me asking

daughter. She's three

three. Okay Artie is a year and a half and he is getting a lot of those emotions Especially angry, gets really angry. And I, myself, I don't know how to manage my emotions either. So me trying to be calm for one, not be reactive I, There was a lot of corporal punishment when I was growing up. And so I don't want to do that because a lot of people like to say, Oh, I grew up fine. No, you didn't. So none of that I started and I actually started today in the car doing positive affirmations with him, which I never got validation at all. And I see how I seek it in a lot of different ways and things. And making sure that he knows that his feelings are okay, even though they're all over the place, that it's okay to be angry, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry. Because I didn't get any of that. I wasn't allowed to have emotions. I'm still not, when I express my opinions I'm all the negative things. Those are some of the ways that I'm hoping I can do different with my child. So for you right now, being a boy too,

yeah. And being safe to express and to feel his emotion and that you'll be there to help manage and take care of it.

Yeah.

He's not alone in that. It sounds like you were a bit alone in your own emotions and having to figure it out yourself. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely, yes. I don't have a memory of me going to either parent saying, I'm feeling this way. Can you help me figure out why I'm feeling this way? I can't, I don't have one

at all. Yeah. Okay. So I'm curious because we come from two cultural backgrounds. How much of your experience is cultural? To say that other people would have experienced the same thing because this is what your culture teaches versus. You just experienced something because of your own family generation line of things just being passed down.

I think both and cultural wise, this is a silly example, but it made me think, wow, I'm not the only one where we all raised like this. What the heck is I was on TikTok and there's this guy who says you're puts an example of like how his mom is. In front of people versus how she is behind doors And she's all nice and stuff and then behind doors She's yelling like just being a tyrant get out of here And just instances like that. So it makes me think and I believe he's The contemporary, I believe he's Mexican, like he's from Mexico, and hearing other friends of mine who come from, not even much from Mexico, but just Latino immigrant background, the corporal punishment, mom says what goes. It's also very patriarchal and i'm always a stay at home mom when my dad worked So very traditional So in that aspect, I do feel that way and then also I think it was just carried down through generations because My grandmother was very, a very hard woman on my mother. My mom was a male child and from the stories that I got from both of them, my mom was a very timid child that she could not stand up to herself. And until the day she got married, I believe the story goes that My mom wanted a particular wedding dress and my grandmother didn't wanted another one. And my mom was like, I'm going to get this one. And my grandmother was angry at her wedding, did not talk to my mother at her own or daughter's wedding. So it just goes to show like. It's passed down from generation to generation. And when my mother and father had a very, there was a very tumultuous period within their marriage. I do remember vividly my mother calling her mother mom, I need help. And my grandmother not really being there for her. What do you want me to do? He supports you, makes good money, so why are you, what are you complaining for? Yeah. It's, yeah. Both I feel like have to do a lot with it.

Yeah. Okay. So your mom grows up timid, struggles to stand up for herself, finally finds her words over her wedding dress and wears the dress that she wants to wear, which she should have been able to do. And that from that point on, that is when she found her voice because it sounds like she wasn't timid or struggled to stand up for herself in your house growing up.

No, I don't think so. No. Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. If you don't mind me asking, what is your cultural background?

Black African American. There are some crossovers, I think. There, yeah, there can be some similarities. Yeah. I'm just thinking of my own mom, like in her voice. I believe she had one. She, and she used it. My parents are divorced. They divorced when I was in high school. And your parents are still married.

Yes, I wish they weren't.

You wish they weren't? Yeah,

I really wish they weren't.

It

would be different if they weren't. I feel like my mom would have been a happier person. Yeah. I

think

I know it was very hard for her because the language barrier, she didn't have a job. I know for her, it was the smarter route was to stay with my father, but I wish she, they would have separated because I feel like she would have been happier.

Okay. So it was like she was stuck there because of finances and then a language barrier being in a new country.

Yeah, I think so.

When did your mom move to America?

Right after she married my father, 86. They got married in August, moved. Because they were able to get amnesty. That was when that was going on. And then shortly after a little bit over a year after that, I was born. So it was very fast. I'm sure it was very culturally shocking to her too, because she did have a job. Back home and then that's another thing. I feel maybe things would have been different I was just talking to my husband about it If I always wonder what would happen if they would have stayed and I was thinking my parents wouldn't have probably Lasted I think my mom wouldn't probably have had children. I think my mom would have maybe have been a career woman

What were her dreams? Do you know

that's a good question because I don't know and maybe it's something When I find like a good time where I can talk to her To ask her. Yeah.

Why do you believe she wouldn't know that she may not have had children?

She's made a comment that always stayed with me. She once told me that if she would have had the life that I had or have had, she wouldn't have gotten married and had children.

So maybe she sees aspects of your life that she desires. Possibly. Yes.

Yeah. When I tell like a friend that are like, Oh, I can't believe your mom told you that. And I'm just like, I don't know what to tell you is what it is.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't feel good to hear for sure. You don't want to hear that your mom would have chosen not to help you if she could have.

Yeah. Yeah. I think at that point I didn't take it that way, but now I can't imagine saying that to my son. No, not to him. No. My husband, my, we planned to have him, we had him, and he's here, I don't think it was very much planned maybe that's the answer, she was pretty young, maybe not, it didn't seem like she was very young back in the day, but she had me at 23, and myself at 23, I was in graduate school, I had My son at 35. So that's 12 years after, after she had me. So at my age, she had what a 13 year old. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I look at 23 is really young too, but I. Yeah, understand for our parents that may have not been young and have children. Yeah.

It's so crazy to me to imagine that there are people my age who are already grandparents and I'm just like, that is insane. I can't comprehend that.

Yeah. Blows your mind. Okay. So if you could receive anything from your mom that would change your relationship, what is the one thing that would actually make a difference?

Apologize. I know it's just her owning up to there's a lot of things that I did wrong and I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna try and do better. Accountabilities. So I think I'll, why not go ahead. That is one thing that with my son is. It's okay to apologize to your child. It doesn't make you less of an adult. Yeah. So when I do get a little bit impatient with him, like I do go back and I tell him, Hey, I'm really sorry that mommy got a little bit impatient with you. Okay. Mommy will try to do better. Is it? I think that builds trust and safety and then your child will come to you. No, I can go to my mom because she'll, yeah,

she'll support me. I trust her. I know she'll be there for me. Yeah, and so you're already practicing the accountability. You've never received correct. Yes. What does that do for you?

It's actually pretty healing it. I'm glad that you asked that because I think it's actually pretty Healing to know that I can be accountable for my child

Okay, and I think this may be the last question depending on how you answer it Why do you not choose estrangement? If you know your relationship with your mom is painful, why do you remain in a relationship with her?

It's not the first time I've been asked that, and I just don't know if I can ever do that because I really don't have a good answer to tell you the truth. I think because there's still part of me that still seeking that validation, which I need to stop it. I was never going to get was 60 years old, right? And also too, I'm afraid of the repercussions, because those two weeks that she didn't talk to me, I had my dad blowing up my phone, my sister blowing up my phone, not blowing up my, she didn't much blow up my phone, but she was on my side, I hate saying it that way, because it wasn't about taking sides, my sister was on my side, and then my mom ended up telling her other things, and then my sister turned against me. So I'm afraid of, yeah, I'm afraid of the repercussions of what would happen if I

were to choose that route. So you may end up losing more people, not just your mom.

And I don't have a lot of family. I don't have cousins that I'm close to. I don't have aunts or uncles. I That I'm close to at all. I know Mexican families are notoriously known to be large, but it's not my case. My dad's side of the family, we're not close. There's religious differences, unfortunately, not on our side, but on theirs. And then my mom's side, the one aunt that my sister and I were very close to. She ended up passing away pretty young a couple of years ago. And it's really just the four of us in that immediate family. And I didn't grow up close to any of my grandparents. And I don't want that to be my son's story, too, because it's very low. Yeah.

Okay. So it would, essentially, you would, you are afraid you would lose your family if you chose to be a strange premiere mom.

Yes. Like I, that's all I have. Just them. Yeah. Which I would hope would make my mom a little bit more nicer, but I can't, you can't change someone.

And because you love your family. The four of you guys, it's just you, it's just y'all, you choose to stay there to not lose everyone else, and you still desire that apology, that accountability and a healthy relationship with her.

I do. I do. Although I need to be realistic that it's just not going to happen. Yeah.

And being able to accept if you're going to stay in a relationship with her, it in turn, your healing is about accepting who you're getting. Yeah.

Yes and no, just because you're accepting doesn't mean that you need to take it. That's why I decided to go back to therapy too, because, and it's something my therapist and I were gonna start making like a plan of, she understands that I don't want like a no contact or estrangement, but there's other ways maybe I can put boundaries, which are a hard, especially in Latino culture. There is no word for boundary. Like the closest that I know in Spanish is limit, which means a limit. But boundaries, like there's, I think there's a word that means like an actual like barrier. Like the word to put boundaries. No, I mean there isn't one and so it goes to show like that's not what you do and so i'm curious to see how it looks because It's to the point like sometimes I feel guilty because we only live maybe A little more than an hour apart My family and myself and so if there's weekends that they don't see my son I feel guilty, but it's like why do I feel it's just so much guilt I don't know like I haven't spoken to them and it's so much. I also don't know if it's also like A religious thing, because we are Mexican Catholics, like that Catholic guilt that you carry, it's a lot.

Yeah. This isn't foolproof for every kind of guilt, but one thing that can sometimes help with guilt is determining, is anyone being harmed by your decision? And if they're not, then your guilt is possibly anxiety, or your guilt is more about you struggling to choose you. Yeah,

it's, to be quite honest, I think it's yeah, both. Yeah, I am a very anxious person, unfortunately, which I, after having my son, yeah, I got, not after, but, I think during my pregnancy, I got diagnosed with ADHD so that, so I get overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily. So I'm trying to work through that.

And then throw mom guilt on top of that. And

yeah, just now I was telling my coworker, Hey, this number keeps on calling me. They're not leaving a voicemail. And then she's don't call it back. And I was like, I can't, it's giving me anxiety if I don't call it back to know who it is. It just thinks like that. It's just,

you needed to know who that was.

I think that's the official

one. Did you call it back?

I did. It was a client of mine who just would call and not leave a voicemail so I was like you need to leave me a voicemail because I don't know who this is.

Causing all these issues when you could just state who you are on the voicemail. Thank you so much for letting me interview you and sharing your story with me and any of the listeners. Is there anything that you would like to leave them with?

Yeah, I think sometimes you think that you're the only one and it gets very lonely, but there are platforms like yours. That make us feel seen and heard, and I think it's just very important for people who have these complicated relationships for their mother to reach out for any kind of help they can get, and there's no shame in that. I know as someone who's really struggles with asking for help, I think this is incredibly important. And

thank you. Yes, thank you. I truly appreciate it.

You're very welcome.