This is a Global Player original podcast.

Hello and welcome to the bonus episode of Amber and Vogue, the podcast Vogue and Amber.

Hello.

Hello.

How are we?

Hello.

Hello.

Mom has gotten the worst song into my head ever this morning.

The whole family have descended upon the uk.

London doesn't know what's going to hit it.

Not much, cuz we're not doing very much.

I've already been warned.

Forget this notion I have about having a few drinks today.

Not happening.

Oh my God.

I went to this pizza restaurant cuz my mom is obsessed with pizza and so is my stepdad.

And we went to this pizza place that you have to kind of.

You can't really book.

I.

I heard you can book now Monday to Friday.

But anyway, we tried to get in the Sunday with the kids.

There was too long a wait.

So we went with mom and Neil and Al, so.

Oh, it is the night.

Alley Cat's Pizza.

I don't know if it's anywhere else in London.

It's on the Kings Road and it is so delicious.

But mom and Neil got like tuna and olives on a cheese.

I know, I know.

And it stank.

It was just so in the vicinity of mine.

Did they share it?

Yeah.

They're so mean to the.

But the stench I saved.

I'd saved.

The four of us went to be like.

Do you want to cook quarters on it?

No thanks, Mom.

I love going out for dinner with them because if they order something, I'm like, I'll finish that off now.

They'll never, never eat all that.

Neil, I didn't want chips.

No, I would eat the chips.

They're so mean to themselves.

Oh, Amber, you can do the faking it game today.

You do it.

And I'll be the guesser and all I'm myself and the listeners will be the guesser of faking it.

Okay, so can you see it?

I can't believe your eyesight's so bad.

I need to get glasses.

But they had shite ones in where I checked.

You do look like you've got that shiny film on your eyes like Winston does.

Oh, that's fucking cataracts.

Jesus.

I don't have that.

I don't have them either.

When I got.

Are you serious?

No, I'm joking, Amber.

Okay.

Alrighty, here we go.

We're into the bonus.

Okay, so three headlines faking it.

Three headlines.

Two are fake, one is real.

It's down to Vogue to spot the real from the fake.

Thank you, sisters.

Let's do this.

Alrighty, here we go.

Here's the Headlines.

Gladstone nappy.

The new underwear released to help festival goers avoid long queues for the loo.

That is absolutely digital.

I have to say that I have had to use the Glastonbury toilets.

Obviously.

I've been to Glastonbury and there is a stench like no other.

No, it's.

It's real.

There's no real privacy either.

It's like you're just.

You're standing in like.

Like they have these kind of cubicle things, but, like, you just, like, you can see everyone's head as they're sitting down and stuff.

It's just very strange.

You know those things that make you.

We like a boy.

Yeah, but I don't think that I am gonna.

I don't think I'm gonna do glass of this year.

I just.

I think that I'm.

I'm at the.

I'm at the time of my life that I just want to be more comfortable, and I don't.

I'm a day girl.

I'm a day girl.

Yeah, we'll go to a day festival.

Well, not necessarily a day festival.

Just go to one day of the festival rather than three days.

I could never do three days, and I certainly couldn't camp.

No, next one.

Okay, so the first one.

I don't think that's real.

Come on.

I don't think that's real either.

Like, who's going around wearing a freaking nappy?

And where are you going to change the nappy?

You're gonna have to, like, water wipes.

Okay, so a neighbor was left fuming as a missing robot Hoover causes havoc in a prized garden.

That's definitely possible.

People take a lot of pride in their gardens.

And Hoovers do go.

Do you know what?

Me and Amber, we have those.

What are the Hoovers called?

The ones that you just bring around the house that they don't have to be.

They don't have to be plugged in.

Dyson.

And sometimes they get a bit blocked.

I got.

I'm getting someone to come and unblock my ones here as well.

Brand new Hoovers I'll have.

I need to actually bring up.

Okay, so the neighbor left fuming as the robot Hoover causes havoc in a prize garden.

And then the last one is a drunk man gets 3 inch chopsticks stuck behind his eye after colliding into a friend.

Oh, I'm two.

Or three.

I.

I feel like it's gonna be three.

Oh, my God.

That would be desperate if it's three.

Go on, Emma.

Come on, Emmo.

Stop teasing us.

Come On, Emma, get up.

Bloody move on.

You've got the urgency of a fucking snail.

Oh, it's a drunk man gets a 3 inch chopstick stuck behind his eye after colliding into a friend.

So a 24 year old guy, 9.

Centimeters long with a 9 centimeter long.

Chopstick behind his eye socket.

Oh my God.

Because he collided with a friend while drunk.

He complained of swelling, so he didn't even know it was there.

So went to his local medical center in Vietnam and for three weeks doctor couldn't find anything.

Oh my God.

Evidence of an object being stuck up his nose.

It went up his nose and into his eye.

Oh, the chopstick was wedged up his nostril.

They starting to see T scan.

How.

How do you not notice that happening?

That guy, how was he even standing.

If he was that troll was.

Do you not know that there's a chopstick up there?

Oh.

Oh my God.

That picture.

Oh my God.

Which is what's where in that picture.

That thing circled is the chopstick.

Dude, where's.

Is that his nose?

Oh, that's his eye.

Sorry.

Did it go in his eyeball or did it go up his nose?

I just don't know how people do stuff like that.

We used to have this doctor that would write in and if you're listening, please keep writing in.

And they would tell us about something that was found up someone's rectum body the day before.

No.

So they would find all this random stuff of people's anus.

Now people have found rats and stuff up there.

When people remember that terrible rumor about Richard Gere that went around that Richard Gere had his gerbils tubed up bazaars and it wasn't true.

That's what it was.

Richard Gere.

You were spreading that Richard Gere.

I don't spread rumors.

Poor people would say otherwise.

Oh, poor people.

Well, I've corrected myself, haven't I?

I gave you a correction.

Corner.

Richard Gear now lives in Spain with a really young woman.

It's not true.

Emo.

Is that true or did I read that wrong?

I have no idea.

I'll have a look.

Well, there's some information if you're looking for any information.

She's just.

Basically she's dispelling the rumor of the gerba.

But now she's just deciding to just cast judgment over the back.

Younger woman.

A much younger woman.

Richard gears new life in Spain with wife 34 years his junior.

Wait, what age is he?

He is old.

I'd say 64.

He's nearly.

I'd say he's 76.

75.

So she is 41.

It's me.

Okay, it's me.

What's the oldest you'd go.

What age am I?

I'm 40.

I'd probably do 55.

I was gonna say 55.

You could go higher.

No, I don't want higher.

Well, you good?

Higher, lower, higher, higher.

I was cheating on you earlier when I was recording my other podcast, Never Live it down, and I guess who I had on it.

Well, I know who you had on it.

Okay, Guess for the listeners, you stupid witch.

One of the front runners in Father Ted.

Mrs.

Doyle.

No, nearly.

No.

Father Dougal.

Father Jack.

Father Dougal.

I'm actually watching a show that he does a VO in.

What is it?

Extraordinary.

Is that the one you said was shite.

Well, that's another one.

That shout.

I'm on season two of that one.

Listen, I just.

Listen, we are where we are.

Anyway, so he came on the pod and I got my first nickname, my first kind of tagline.

We're gonna call it my drag name.

Okay?

He called me Vogue Mahone.

I thought that was brilliant.

Oh, my.

What do we used to say?

That Pogue Mahone ever.

Jesus.

I can't get.

I can't get.

Emma.

Is she broken?

I can't get anything from her.

Vogue Mahone.

I don't know if that's like a drag name.

Vogue Mahone.

Sorry.

We're having Cheryl Hole on the pod soon.

All right.

Of course.

Vogue.

She's just Cheryl now.

She's dropped the hole.

Oh, I love the Hole.

I know that's.

I'm sad for her.

Are you?

Do you have an Air Up a bottle?

Mo, you seven year old.

What's an Air up bottle?

This is an awala and it is a revolution.

How is it a revolution?

Come on.

Sorry, our Stanley's over.

Well, I love my Stanley.

There's a straw, but you can also sip.

Delicious.

I just.

I just.

That's why I use glasses.

I just think with bottles and stuff like that, they get smelly very quickly and I don't think people clean them enough.

Look at the water bottle beside her bed.

Look at the water bottle beside her bed.

I have that water bottle there because.

I'll be throwing it out because it'll sit.

I know.

And I find myself clinging on to bottles like that.

Like, you know when you're in the airport and you're like, oh, I have to buy a bottle of water because I'd be scared I'd lose my Stanley.

So I'm.

I'M there and I go in about a bottle and I found myself a week later, I'm still using the bloody Evian bottle.

I'm like, this isn't good.

This is actually.

It's like the blue ones from Spain.

You definitely keep.

I.

I held onto one of them.

Someone I worked with held on to one of them for a good month, I think.

But the whole thing about plastic bottles is that when they.

When they go under a bit of heat that some of the plastic particles go into the water.

I feel like we're all inhaling plastic all the time anyway, so I just don't think that that's gonna really matter too much.

I was just watching a video there about how they make, you know, crappy ham, you see, in the deli.

So I gotta start getting nice carver yam or cooking my own ham.

Yeah.

How have you not.

No, Amber, I even me, I'm disgusting and I don't eat that.

You give it to your kids?

No, no, no, that's for the dogs.

Anyway.

Also was a well over.

Well, I say that now because, I don't know, I'm not sure us or not because he's always, he's.

He's rarely here and it's always like, oh, I get a fright when he comes up the stairs.

Anyway, so he came up, he came upstairs and he was just slithering away in that really thin ham that's like a pound a packet, like slurping it all into his mouth like it was pretty much water, which it mainly is.

And I was like, also, that's the dog ham.

But I used to do that with wafers on.

Do you remember?

Wafers on?

I don't get people.

You eat like.

People eat weird things just on their own.

Like ham on its own and cereal on its own and cheese on its own.

No, you don't eat.

But you're not really a cheese lover, though.

I know.

I am a cheese lover.

With a bit of onion chutney and a cracker.

What's your favorite kind of cheese?

Let me guess.

She'll try and be.

She'll try and be exotic and say, Brie.

How do you get a bear out of a cave, comma bear?

With what cheese?

I'm hardly exotic with Brie.

No, I trialed it.

I tried the other ones.

So, like the cranberry one.

I don't mind that.

Stilton is a little bit step too far.

I don't mind that if I hold my nose, but jeez, if you get a whiff of that.

No, no, no.

No, Stilton's an absolute stench.

Emma, what's your favorite cheese?

I like a Camembert.

I like a red Leicester.

Is that a cheddar?

Yeah, no, it's a.

It's a red Leicester.

Amber or Emo.

You can't.

I'm sorry.

Like, if.

If we're talking about cheese.

Come on, let's try and be high end for a moment.

Is Manchega a type of cheese or something?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Manchego.

Very fancy.

There you go.

Wow.

Agree, Bria.

Oh, would get a too high end.

Himo too.

You went too far.

I do.

I do like the way that they do that.

You know, where they have the big wheel of cheese and they put the pasta in it.

Oh, yeah.

Bit of me.

I've never personally done that, but I would enjoy it.

Yeah, for sure.

Could you use it twice, though?

Because surely there would be, like, sauce left in it and then it would go moldy.

I was thinking that.

And I was thinking that today.

This is completely different.

But it reminded me of it for some reason.

I was in work with IMO today and I went.

And I just sat in the toilet.

It always looks clean, but, like, it's not clean.

People piss all over the seat and then they wipe it off so it looks clean.

So I'm sitting my naked arse on pissy seat.

She.

Remember they used to have those things that you pull out and you can put over the seat.

Oh, I just.

I can't.

I don't know what.

I was tired, you know, I was tired of it.

Why would you always.

Would you always hover?

Oh, always hover.

Or I'd put toilet paper down.

If I was planning on being in.

There for a while.

The toilet paper.

Toilet paper takes ages.

You have to do at least four pieces.

I am sorry.

If you're doing.

If you're.

If you're doing a long toilet.

There's no bloody way I'm sitting on that toilet with a toilet paper everywhere.

No way.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

Sometimes I actually begrudge going into a public toilet as well, because I just hate them so much.

I'm like, oh, and that one in Global.

There's two in Global that are along the hallway that I'm like, me and Spencer decided that's where people go for naps because they're never free.

But then I was in the other one and I was like, it's rare.

Someone would come in.

And when I was in there for longer than usual, of course someone bloody walks in.

I said, I bet you anything that's immature now.

It's oftentimes I go to the loo when your kids are around and there's drip drabs everywhere.

Oh.

I mean, there's barely a pot clean.

Did you wash your.

No, no.

Did you wipe your bump?

Yeah, of course.

No, you didn't.

Slithering off the toilet seat.

Okay, we've got some listener emails.

I didn't know this.

I remember when you guys.

I was just like, from Aita.

A real spinny moment.

Am I the asshole?

I'm reading it because Amber can't see.

Hi, Amber and Vogue.

Me and my sister aren't really speaking at the moment over this situation, so I wanted you two, as sisters, to tell me if I'm being an asshole or not.

So my sister's getting married in March and I'm really excited for her.

Obviously, I'm not a monster.

I've been with my boyfriend for four years.

We live together, have a dog together and are really happy.

He's always come to family events, no bother.

But here's where the issue is.

My sister doesn't want him at the wedding.

No, that is bad.

Out.

It's a pretty small affair with family and a few close friends.

And our rule for plus ones is if they're not married, they're not coming.

I think.

I think.

Okay, I'll let you finish it.

But I.

I know what the.

I know what the solution is here.

I assume this didn't apply to her own sister and her sister's partner, who she knows very well, but she brought it up with me the other week and she said she didn't want him there, especially in pictures from her wedding when we might break up.

And then it'll be.

Yeah, but do you know what?

They might take the pictures if they're.

One with the one without to say.

I was taken aback.

This is the boyfriend who's been there with me through thick and thin, held me together when my mum died, and now it's one of my family's most special days and he won't be there.

I've argued.

Argument.

She's not having any of it.

What do I do?

I'll tell you what I do.

I wouldn't go.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm saying there's an easy way around this as a compromise.

You, unlike, obviously, he might be a bit offended.

You get pictures with him and you get pictures without him.

You don't need to go to that effort.

You could be married to him and you could also break up with him.

So then he'd be in the wedding pictures when you were divorced.

So your sister is being nasty.

And if you've been with him for four years, I think that.

That.

Yeah.

Your sister is a nasty gal.

She's a nasty gal.

Nasty.

Put some clothes on.

You looking stank.

Nasty.

Don't know why.

Well, I think also my solution is a good compromise.

Okay, I'll do the next one.

So this one's from Sarah.

Read.

Come on.

You're so.

Get stuck.

You're not good at reading.

I have to say hi.

Cooking and reading.

No loving Amber.

Joe Vogue.

We went through your cooking where you are bystander in the whole process.

Sorry, did you see.

Did you spot my brussels sprout salad yesterday with candied walnuts.

But I can smell the remnants of.

The of you today with candied walnuts.

I thought it was punch.

Enjoy your wet sandwich from the cafe.

Right, because I.

I have that.

I have my extra food and my.

Did you honestly bring food yourself?

And nothing for me?

You're unbelievable.

There was none left.

Buzz off.

Slagging off my Brussels stinky bum bum.

Okay, so.

Hi love.

And Amber joining the pod.

Would it be possible for Amber to properly introduce herself?

She has a normal job, so was wondering what that is and would love to know a bit more about her.

I'm nosy.

Lots of love, Sarah.

Sarah.

I'm nosy too.

So is Vogue, so we are all aligned.

Wouldn't be nosy about Amber.

So she's boring.

So.

Hello Sarah.

Hope you're good, honey.

I wouldn't say my job was normal.

I feel like I have a very, very fun day to day job.

I've been there for 10 years which is testament to that.

So I work for a full service youth communications agency.

It's also a B corp.

Kudos to us for sustainability.

Vogue probably doesn't know what a B corp is.

I'm very lucky to work in array of brands.

Very cool, progressive brand and passionate about the work I deliver for my clients.

Love.

My colleagues would have a lot of pals that I work with.

What a load of womp.

Emma, can we cut around this?

And to finish as I'm constantly being rudely interrupted here.

I'm on the client service team which I love because I get to talk to people all the time and it means that I'm the connector between my clients and the rest of the agency.

And what you like to do at the weekends.

At the weekends I just, you know, I get up, I'd like to laze around in the bed in the morning, go down, make myself coffee, have a.

Glass of water, take me vitamins.

Okay, here's something from Amy Dear Bambi, Vogatron and Emma, I've been really enjoying all the dating stories and after all that chat about Armor's gang bitters.

Oh my it's not true.

I had to write in last year.

I'd not been long broken up with my boyfriend so my girls took me in a night out and get and we got leathered snog some boys and take my mind off and being a prick and ruining my life fair.

I remember when Amy's on one when I broke up with a long term boyfriend Naomi our auntie took me shopping for knickers.

We went to Wetherspoons first.

Amber and I used to work.

Yeah it's a dangerous place.

Oh my God you remember Purple Rain cocktails and drank a ridiculous amount of Purple Rain cocktails before heading to the club.

After about an hour of dancing to the cheesiest hits of the 90s and naughties, picture a lot of Spice Girls S club and Westlife.

Sorry, Vogue.

I spotted a boy across the dance floor and thought he was the image of Zac Efron.

I danced as sexily as I could up to him which was easy to bewitched.

C'est la vie and after some come to mama eyes attached my mouth to his.

After a while things got hot and heavy and we left to go back to his.

We got to the house up to his room and he turned the light on.

Oh no.

To my horror he had no bedding on the bed like he'd stripped it ready for a wash.

His duvet, mattress and pillows lay there and I sobered up very quickly.

Now I used to live and I had to tell them that they needed to buy sheets after not having any sheets for three months.

The duvet, to be fair, looked delightfully fluffy and clean, but the mattress had brown, yellow and red stains all over it and both of his bills were basically orange.

Did this person go to get stuffed like someone had drooled and sweated all over them for 70 years?

Oh, there was just no way in hell I was going to be doing anything anywhere near that bed.

So I pretended my phone rang, answered and faked an emergency bolting down the stairs and out the door.

I went into work the next day, got in the tube, sat down and.

Oh no no no.

Sat opposite me only gank pillow man.

I shoved my airpods in, ripped my book out of my bag and avoided all possibility of eye contact for the entire journey.

That is Absolutely.

That guy obviously just didn't have sheets on his bed.

I know, but not even to say anything or make an excuse.

I do want to clarify, but honestly, people are going to think I'm a minger.

Like, my sheets and stuff like that are not dirty guys.

Okay, yeah, Armor sheets aren't dirty guys.

I'm gonna take pictures with the pillowcases.

Clean sheets.

I just think, right.

Because like, Theodore, he's only six now, in fairness to him.

But like, I've started getting him to bring his, like, dishes after every time he eats over to the sink.

And then I put them away from.

But, like, he needs to learn how to use a washing machine.

He needs to know how to clean his.

I know, but what I'm saying is I don't want him to get to that age and not have sheets on his bed.

You'll domesticate him.

He was like to me this morning, I was like, okay, I have to go shower.

Why do you shower in the morning?

And I had to explain to him, because adults sweat.

And why do adults sweat?

And I said I didn't want to say, you know, once he had his puberty, that's a bit too much.

Well, I got him a book on bodies, and we've been reading loads of different things.

He hasn't asked.

Well, he's been asking about the baby.

I know that you lay an egg.

I was like, no, I don't lay an egg.

See, I just don't know what the right age is to be telling them about that.

I think it's too young.

When he asked me what a nipple was this morning, I was like, how does he not know that?

Well, because men and women have nipples and they're used for different things.

Don't tell them what you use yours for, please.

Okay.

So I don't really know what to say about that.

That's just an awfully traumatic encounter.

And, yeah, that's what I do.

I was once with this guy and, like, me and my friend had gone back to his house and we were all having a party, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I was kissing him, and he was pretty gorgeous.

There was so much skid marks in the toilet.

I was like, evacuate.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

If something is somewhere's really dirty, I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There's a lot to be said for people being domesticated.

I couldn't.

I know.

Now, in fairness, you could find a very full toilet in any of my toilets, because sometimes I thought you were.

Going to hone in on me again.

I was like, this has gone too far.

Alrighty, guys, that is it.

And remember, we love to hear from you.

Love it.

Love it.

Absolutely.

Strength.

Strike me, Rome.

So please do message in on Fogan ember pod@global.com and you can subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening and drop us five stars.

Five.

Not four, if you want to.

Or you can always drop me five and Amber three.

That.

That's not how it works.

You gotta drop five across the board.

Alrighty.

Thanks, everyone, for listening.

This is a Global Player original podcast.