Cold Open

Setting: The middle of Linbrook.

NARRATOR

It's another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis; where the superheroes save the day and the lawyers save the superheroes! Today, the excitement rains down on Linbrook, a neighborhood of Megalopolis. Cars thrown, buildings coming down, and cats stuck in trees as King Noble the Lion tries to quell the temper of his adoptive brother, the controversial Reynard the Fox!

[Sounds of utter chaos. Cars being thrown, people screaming, buildings coming down, etc. General city-under-attack noises.]

ANDREA

Milly! Milly, come on, we have to go now!

MILLY

But Patches the Bear is still upstairs!

ANDREA’S HUSBAND

We’ll buy you another Patches the Bear, sweetie. Please, just get your shoes on.

MILLY

[child on the verge of a tantrum]

No! I want --

[She’s cut off by a particularly loud crash. Andrea, her husband, and Milly all scream.]

ANDREA’S HUSBAND

There’s something coming down the road!

ANDREA

Alright, okay --

[Milly squeals as Andrea picks her up. The family runs out of the house, and then another large crash or a rush of flame as the house is destroyed. We fade out on Reynard cackling.]

Scene One

Setting: Bonnie and Cole’s apartment

NARRATOR

We go now to the apartment shared by Bonnie Firestein and Cole Castillo. These powerhouses in powersuits, the totally platonic, gal pal power duo of the Smith, Schmidt, Smythe, and Smitt law firm.

[Cole’s alarm is going off.]

BONNIE

Cole! Up!

[Cole groans dramatically.]

COLE

[So, so groggy]

M’awake.

BONNIE

I don’t believe you. Selina, wake up your mom!

[Cat meows. Cole’s groans get louder.]

It’s almost eight, it’s time to get up.

COLE

[still groggy, but better]

I hate you.

BONNIE

I have coffee and bacon ready for you in the kitchen.

COLE

I love you.

[Flustered laughter from Bonnie, then shuffling as Cole gets up.]

[Let’s cut straight (ha) to them getting on the bus.]

BONNIE

We’ve both got a meeting with Blue Star about the child endangerment case.

COLE

Are we for or against child endangerment?

BONNIE

For it.

COLE

Great.

BONNIE

Mr. Yeltin also sent over the draft of the settlement, if you can help me look that over.

COLE

For you, my work wife, anything.

BONNIE

[more flustered laughter]

Oh, and, uh, looks like we have a consultation meeting this morning. Andrea Soto. Her house was destroyed in that attack by Reynard the Fox last week.

COLE

Oof, poor lady. She wants to sue him for damages?

BONNIE

The email says she just wants to hear her options.

COLE

Well, that’s pretty straightforward. Let’s make Harper do it.

BONNIE

No way! Remember their last consult? They were in that conference room for two and a half hours. They only came out when the client literally fell asleep.

COLE

Yeah, it was hilarious.

BONNIE

Okay, yes, it was. But we can’t let them scare away all our clients.

COLE

Why not? That sounds like a great strategy to me. Less work for us.

BONNIE

[in a we’ve-had-this-conversation-before tone]

Because if we keep losing clients we will eventually get fired.

COLE

And why is that bad?

BONNIE

[in a we’ve-had-this-conversation-before tone]

Because we need money to keep feeding Selina.

COLE

Goddammit. That gets me every time. Ugh, fine, we can run it and have Harper sit in. Just for Selina, though.

BONNIE

Whatever gets you through the day, my dear.

[The bus stops and Bonnie and Cole get off. Street noises, followed by the noises of them entering the office.]

Morning, LOIS!

LOIS

Good morning, Miss Firestein, Miss Castillo. You are seven minutes late this morning.

BONNIE

Oh, leave us alone, we don’t have any meetings yet.

[Elevator sounds followed by walking sounds as the two of them go up to the general litigation office.]

Good morning, Harper. How was your weekend?

HARPER

Oh, it was great! I got a head start on research for the Almer case. I think I found a precedent we can use. The Sandman v. Hayley’s Burger Palace --

COLE

Slow down, kid, we just got here.

BONNIE

I’m glad you’ve got so much energy, though, because we have a consultation. Wanna sit in?

HARPER

Yes! Definitely! Thank you so much for the offer! After last week’s incident, this will be really useful for me.

BONNIE

We certainly hope so. How about we meet in S3-239 in half an hour to prep?

HARPER

Sounds great! See you two then!

[Harper runs off. A beat of silence.]

COLE

I’m gonna go get some more coffee. I’ll need three cups to keep up with that kid.

Scene Two

Setting: Conference room

[Sound of a door opening]

ANDREA

Hi, um. My name is Andrea Soto, I’m here for a consultation?

COLE

Nice to meet you, ma’am. My name is Cole Castillo, I’m an associate here. This is Bonnie Firestein, another associate, and Harper Hallo, one of our junior associates.

ANDREA

Nice to meet you all too.

BONNIE

[Shuffling as everyone finds seats]

Now, Mrs. Soto, your email had some details of your predicament. You and your family are Linbrook residents who got caught up in Reynard the Fox’s attack last week, correct?

ANDREA

Yes.

BONNIE

And you lost your house.

ANDREA

We did.

BONNIE

I’m terribly sorry to hear that, but I promise, we’ll do all we can for you. Your case seems pretty straightforward.

COLE

Considering how much of the city got leveled in the attack, there’s no doubt that Reynard is responsible. The main question is really how much you want to sue him for.

BONNIE

Depending on what you and your family are doing, I’m sure we can have him cover either repair costs or the cost of a new home, plus--

ANDREA

I’m sorry to interrupt, but are there any options other than suing Reynard?

[Beat]

COLE

[slowly, not really understanding]

What do you mean?

ANDREA

Well, um, for instance, maybe I could sue… whoever built my house? For not building it to withstand the attack?

BONNIE

Is there some kind of code that you believe your house wasn’t up to?

ANDREA

None that I know of.

COLE

Were you promised that your house could withstand a supervillain attack? Is that in your mortgage? Or even an email from a real estate agent?

ANDREA

No.

COLE

Then that’s gonna be tricky.

ANDREA

What about… I don’t know, the mayor? Of Megalopolis? For not setting up proper protections?

BONNIE

Mrs. Soto, it’s going to be difficult to convince a judge that the fault for what happened to your house rests with anybody except the man who… sorry, were you in the explosion part of Linbrook, the reality warping part of Linbrook, or the giant killer mice part of Linbrook?

ANDREA

The explosion part.

BONNIE

The man who blew up your house, then. Your best shot of rebuilding your life is suing him.

ANDREA

[sigh]

Look. I’m only here because my friend Stephanie in copyright insisted I hear my options, but if suing Reynard is all you have for me, I don’t think we have anything else to say to each other.

BONNIE

Can I ask why you’re so dead set against it?

COLE

If it’s fear of retribution, he’s super in jail.

ANDREA

[indignant]

Of course that’s not it! Isn’t this supposed to be one of the best law firms in the country? You really can’t think of anyone else who might have liability?

BONNIE

You believe your house was up to code when you bought it. You own it, so any failed maintenance would have been your own responsibility. Multiple judges have ruled that nothing about the construction of the city made this attack easier or put citizens in extra danger. What about your insurance company? Do you believe that they’ve denied you funds unfairly?

ANDREA

[back to resigned and miserable]

No. I passed on coverage for extradimensional-being attacks this year.

BONNIE

Then I’m afraid I can’t think of any other options. Cole?

COLE

No, me neither. But Reynard is an extraordinarily clear-cut target for a lawsuit. With respect, a case against him would be the biggest slam-dunk case I’ve seen come through this firm in months. So I really do think it would be useful if you could tell us why you don’t want to sue him.

ANDREA

I just… I know he did a lot of bad things. Obviously. But this was just a cry for help! He had a really bad childhood, and I’m just not interested in piling more on him.

[beat]

COLE

Ma’am, he set your house on fire.

ANDREA

We’ve all done things we regret under stress.

COLE

I mean, sure, but I’ve never set a house on fire.

BONNIE

[tone says “oh my god Cole please stop talking”]

Okay!

COLE

I mean, I have fire powers. It would be super easy for me to set a house on fire, but I’ve resisted the temptation!

[Bonnie smacks Cole in the arm.]

Ow!

BONNIE

I understand, Mrs. Soto. The world would be a better place if more people had your attitude! Punishment isn’t the path to justice, and we should absolutely take people’s circumstances into account. But a lawsuit isn’t punishment. It’s a way to help you and your family.

COLE

Yeah, saying the dude who burned your house down owes you damages isn’t a moral judgment, it’s a statement of fact. Although I do have a lot of thoughts on the moral judgment --

[Bonnie smacks Cole’s arm again.]

-- which I will share with Bonnie later, because that is not what this meeting is about.

ANDREA

Even if it’s not a... a legal punishment, I’d be putting a huge monetary burden on him!

COLE

He can afford it. Isn’t he, like, space royalty or something?

HARPER

Extradimensional royalty. From the world of English folk tales, brother to King Noble the Lion.

ANDREA

Adoptive brother. They never really considered him a part of the family.

HARPER

Maybe, but he has the same riches as the rest of them.

ANDREA

I thought you were here to observe, not to dogpile on me.

BONNIE

Ma’am, I understand you’re frustrated, but please take it out on us, not our junior.

ANDREA

[deflating]

Sorry, sorry. It’s just… been a really hard few weeks. I don’t know what to do.

COLE

Look, this must be awful for you. And that’s why I really think you should consider moving forward with a suit. We have a really, really good shot at getting some money for you, and obviously that won’t fix everything, but you’ll have the funds to deal with your problems.

ANDREA

[A beat to consider. When she speaks, she sounds certain, but like she wishes she wasn’t.]

No. I’m sorry. I won’t compromise my morals for money. Not even if I really need it.

BONNIE

Take a business card in case you change your mind. Or Stephanie can reach out to us again.

ANDREA

Thank you. I’m sorry for wasting your time.

COLE

Don’t worry. Our time’s not worth that much.

BONNIE

Tell Stephanie we say hello!

HARPER

But --

ANDREA

I will. Have a good rest of your day.

[Door opens and closes as Andrea leaves. A beat of silence.]

COLE

Ugh. That sucked.

BONNIE

Yeah, it did. So! Are you good for our usual lunch at noon? That should give me time to read through that settlement draft.

COLE

Works for me.

HARPER

You’re just going to let her leave? She has a cut and dry case! And she needs the money!

COLE

Yeah, and she doesn’t want to sue.

HARPER

But she should!

BONNIE

But she doesn’t want to.

[Sputtering noises from Harper as they search for a rebuttal to this. Bonnie sighs.]

This is the kind of thing that happens all the time, Harper. People with great cases decide not to pursue them.

HARPER

I know that! But Mrs. Soto didn’t pass because she was afraid of the legal fees or the time it would take. She just…

COLE

[feeling upset over the defeat, but trying not to show it]

Passing on a case because suing makes you feel like an asshole is also really common. Companies put tons of effort into convincing people that suing is unreasonable.

HARPER

[frustrated]

But that…doesn’t make sense.

COLE

Look, we could’ve spent six more hours on this meeting and maybe she would’ve said yes eventually, maybe. But Bonnie and I have full caseloads. If we spent six hours on every consultation, when would we have time to help the clients that actually hire us?

HARPER

… I guess that makes sense.

BONNIE

Glad you get it. Now, if you’ll excuse us…

HARPER

But surely --

COLE

Ugh.

BONNIE

It’s something you’ll understand when you’re a proper lawyer, Harper. Just trust us, okay?

HARPER

… okay. Sorry.

BONNIE

That’s alright. Do you want to join us for lunch later today?

HARPER

I think I’ll pass. I have a lot of work to do.

[footsteps and a door opening and closing as Harper exits the room]

Scene Three

Setting: Cole’s desk

BONNIE

Hey, you ready for lunch?

COLE

Just a second.

BONNIE

[incredibly surprised]

Oh, yeah, sure.

COLE

What’s with that voice? That’s the surprise-visit-from-your-dads voice.

BONNIE

I do not have a voice for that.

COLE

Yeah, you do. One part shock, one part happy, but two parts unsettled.

BONNIE

… alright, alright, fine, impressive analysis, counselor. Although I don’t know why you have a catalog of my voices.

COLE

Do you not have one for me? I’m hurt. I want a divorce.

BONNIE

A divorce is too much paperwork for you.

COLE

Yeah, that’s true. Then I’ll forgive you if you answer my original question. What’s with the voice?

BONNIE

Nothing, really. This is just the first time in three years I’ve seen you delay your lunch break.

COLE

Oh, come on, that can’t be true.

BONNIE

You’ve got a voice catalog for me, I’ve got a lunchtime-whereabouts-catalog for you. What’s up?

COLE

I just -- don’t laugh at me. I couldn’t stop thinking about that consultation meeting.

BONNIE

Oh, huh. I’ll be honest, not what I was expecting.

COLE

I know, I know, I’m supposed to be Cole the cold of heart.

BONNIE

Nobody calls you that.

COLE

They should, it’d be funny. But I couldn’t stop wondering why someone would feel so bad about suing someone who literally blew their house up. So I started poking around for more information about Reynard the Fox, and holy shit, babe, it’s wild.

BONNIE

Yeah? Did you figure out his tragic backstory?

COLE

Hard not to when he’s basically using it as a blunt weapon! Look at this.

[click sound effect as Cole hits play on a video]

HOST

Mr. Fox, thank you so much for joining me tonight. I want to apologize that we’ll have to keep it short. The Guardians have informed me that you aren’t allowed to have any phone conversations longer than fifteen minutes.

REYNARD

That’s alright, Mx. Mulligan. You’ve had my brother on before, yes? King Noble the Lion?

HOST

He’s come on a few times, yes.

REYNARD

Well, that explains it. He did always get angry when I tried to talk to his friends. I’m sure he talked the Guardians into that rule so I wouldn’t embarrass him.

[canned laughter from the audience]

HOST

[like a blushing schoolgirl]

I’m King Noble’s friend?

REYNARD

A charmer like you? Of course!

HOST

Oh, I don’t think I’m the charmer out of the two of us!

[more canned laughter]

Now, as much as I’d love to hear everything your brother says about me, I do have to ask the serious questions. You’re best known for your attack on Linbrook last week.

REYNARD

[sober]

Yes, that’s a fair assessment.

HOST

Is that something you always saw in your future? Did you want to be Reynard, destroyer of worlds when you were growing up?

REYNARD

[good-natured laugh, then fade to seriousness]

Ah, so much would have been simpler if I did. But no, destroying worlds was never something I thought was in the cards for me. Growing up in the royal palace, all I wanted was… well. I’m sorry, this is a little hard to talk about.

HOST

Take your time.

REYNARD

I suppose I always assumed that I would be King Noble’s right hand when he took the throne. I was never heir, of course, but I always figured that I would be able to contribute in my own way. I’m sure that’s hard for many to believe, but I always wanted to do good.

HOST

So what would you say changed for you?

REYNARD

Well… probably finding out I was adopted. When my brother and I hit twelve, he started growing his mane and developing his roar, and, well, I didn’t. I always assumed that it was my fault -- that I was weak, or wrong.

[audience awwwws]

But then I started growing my fox tail and my fox ears, and my father couldn’t hide it anymore. When I confronted him, he told me that he’d hoped to unite the foxes and the lions through me.

[audience boos]

You can’t understand what that’s like. Wondering for years what you are, ultimately for nothing.

HOST

Well, for what it’s worth. I think those fox ears look good on you.

[audience breaks into cheers, which cut off abruptly when Cole pauses the video]

BONNIE

… huh.

COLE

He’s been on every late night show. Here, I’ll show you him on carpool karaoke–

BONNIE

Nope, no thanks, I get the idea!

COLE

Harper’s right, he must have access to a royal treasury. Cascade PR is repping him, and they’ve been working nonstop. I had LOIS analyze Earth Weekly coverage, and only four articles about the attack mention him by name, all from before he hired his goons. Since then, the only articles about him have been about money he’s donated to the rebuilding efforts, none of which mention that they’re rebuilding from him! #ReynardOfSunshine is being promoted on FlySpace, and a bunch of bots started #NardsOfSteel, which of course everyone jumped on immediately.

BONNIE

Is that one about how brave he is, or is it horny?

COLE

LOIS?

LOIS

It started off about how brave he is and then quickly became horny. The first flight was from @ReynardStan1039382, and it said, “Watching Reynard the Fox on Late Night with James Knight the Night Knight, and it takes #NardsOfSteel to be this emotionally honest”. More recent flight include “How do Reynard’s #NardsOfSteel even fit on his tiny waist” from @ChristmasTwink23, “Reynard has #NardsOfSteel and I want to heat treat them with my mouth” from @BlueDiamondSparkle, and “I knew I was right for wanting to bang Robin Hood the cartoon fox when I was a kid #NardsOfSteel,” from @SamPeriot.

BONNIE

Okay, wow, that’s a lot.

LOIS

From @BabySnail83 we have, “My mom was talking shit about Reynard for destroying Linbrook, and I was like yeah why would he destroy the city when he should’ve been destroying my — ”

BONNIE

Okay! Thank you, LOIS, I’ve got it.

COLE

I feel like an idiot. It should’ve been obvious from the start how he got people to feel bad about suing him. It’s the same way everyone else gets people to feel bad about suing them -- marketing. Marketing, and the money it takes to do marketing.

BONNIE

You seem really worked up about this.

COLE

It’s just so blatant! I mean, he did an estimated hundred million dollars of property damage during his stupid ego-trip. He destroyed seven different nursing homes — seven! I didn’t even think Linbrook had that many nursing homes! He blew up an animal shelter, and then broke into a St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital and started throwing the puppies at the kids! But somehow everyone is still like, “Nooo, the real monsters are the people that sue!”

BONNIE

[gently]

Are you sure this isn’t about Andrea?

COLE

What? Why would it be? It’s not like she’s the first person we’ve seen do this. Remember that landlord who got that family of duck people to drop their discrimination suit because, “we’re like a family in this apartment, and family is allowed to throw loaves of bread at you”? It… it happens, you know? I just… I hate smug people. You know I hate smug people! You remember the Kevin Appleton incident.

BONNIE

How could I forget you pantsing a man in the middle of a courtroom?

COLE

He deserved it. And Reynard deserves consequences too. I mean, look at him! Look at him smile, look at his stupid face! I want to sue him so bad, Bonnie.

HARPER

[appearing out of fucking nowhere]

Are you guys talking -- (about Reynard?)

BONNIE AND COLE

AHHHH!

HARPER

Hello! So, Reynard, right? Because I have something for you guys.

[Sound of an extremely heavy stack of papers slamming down on a desk]

BONNIE

What’s this?

HARPER

This is a full report on the Reynard attack last week. All the damage he did and all of the media appearances and public relations strategies he’s used in the aftermath.

[speech gradually gets faster until Harper is motormouthing]

I also talked to Stephanie to get more info on Andrea. Did you know she has a five year old daughter? Andrea had to drag her away because she wouldn’t leave without her favorite stuffed animal. They’re all staying in the spare bedroom in Andrea’s in-laws’ apartment, and none of them can sleep through the night because the little girl keeps having nightmares --

BONNIE

Ok! Thanks, Harper!

COLE

No idea where you found the time to make this, but we’ll… I dunno, we’ll do something with it.

HARPER

Ok, great! Please let me know if I can help! I think Andrea really needs it.

[Harper walks away. A beat of silence]

BONNIE

Should we throw it out?

LOIS

I will tell them if you do that.

COLE

Let’s take it home. That way if we throw it away we’ll be away from prying eyes.

Scene Four

Setting: The bus to work

BONNIE

You look like shit. Did you stay up all night watching MeTube videos again?

COLE

No. I stayed up reading Harper’s Reynard murder board.

BONNIE

Cole! I thought we were moving on.

COLE

I know! But Harper’s gonna ask if we read it and I don’t want to crush their fragile little spirit.

BONNIE

Oh, really? Cole the coldhearted?

COLE

You said nobody calls me that. Just tell me what fresh hell we have to deal with today.

BONNIE

Okay, okay. Just tell me if you get tired and I’ll make an excuse for you to leave, alright?

COLE

I love you.

BONNIE

[flustered]

I love you too.

[beat]

Huh. There are a bunch of new consultation meetings on my calendar. You’re on the invites too.

[beat]

Huh, another Reynard victim. And another. And… yep, two more. All Reynard victims.

COLE

How did we get four separate meetings with Reynard victims in one day?

[a longer beat]

BONNIE AND COLE

Harper.

Scene Five

Setting: Various Smith conference rooms

BONNIE

Thank you for coming in today. I’m Bonnie Firestein and this is my associate, Cole Castillo.

COLE

‘Sup.

BONNIE

We’d like to start out by having you take us through the details of your situation.

CLIENT 2

Okay. Well, I’m a college student --

CLIENT 3

A biology professor --

CLIENT 4

A professional chef --

CLIENT 2

-- living in Linbrook.

CLIENT 5

I was visiting Linbrook for my dumbass sister’s dumbass bachelorette party.

CLIENT 3

For many years, my main research interest has been the mating patterns of fruitflies.

CLIENT 4

My restaurant is in the city, and it sustained quite a bit of damage, but that’s not the main issue. My wife is a teacher at a school in the Sunhod valley. She uses a car to commute.

CLIENT 2

I volunteer at a local orphanage in my spare time.

CLIENT 4

The car was crushed in Reynard’s attack. She has no way of getting to work now.

CLIENT 3

In my lab at MU, we have a sterile enclosure for the fruitflies that took a year to build. At the time of the attack we had over 600 flies.

CLIENT 2

I was at the orphanage at the time of the attack. It got completely destroyed. We got all the kids out in time, thank god, but the rebuilding costs alone…

CLIENT 4

A public schoolteacher doesn’t make much, but our family relies on her insurance. If she loses her job…

CLIENT 5

I have this stupid broken leg now, and I can’t pay for the stupid hospital bills! I paid $500 to fly to the east coast only to get caught in a supervillain attack!

CLIENT 3

Now, look, I may not be injured, but when that enclosure broke, eight years of scientific study went right down the drain! Also, I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a room with 600 horny fruitflies, but I do not recommend the experience.

BONNIE

I’m very sorry that you had to suffer that ordeal.

COLE

That sounds very difficult.

BONNIE

The good news is, you should be able to get some emotional damages --

COLE

A new car --

BONNIE

Coverage for your hospital bills --

COLE

-- by suing Reynard.

CLIENT 2

Oh, I don’t know about that.

CLIENT 4

With the money I need to rebuild the restaurant, I’m not sure we can afford an attorney.

COLE

You could potentially get some money for rebuilding too.

CLIENT 2

I mean, being sued must be a really traumatic experience, right? Reynard has just already had so much trauma in his life.

BONNIE

I mean…

CLIENT 3

Reynard? He’s just a little guy!

COLE

What?

BONNIE

What does that mean.

CLIENT 4

My kids also really need support right now. I don’t know if I want to take time away from them.

BONNIE

You could also sue for money for therapy for the kids. Lots of people are going to need that.

CLIENT 4

With respect, finding a therapist in Megalopolis might actually be harder than doing a lawsuit.

COLE

That’s fair.

BONNIE

Ma’am, your concern is admirable, but you aren’t responsible for the mental state of the man who’s hurt so many people.

COLE

Also, he’s not traumatized! He’s a spoiled rich asshole!

CLIENT 2

You don’t know that!

CLIENT 5

Listen, I am not going to sue the hottest person I have ever seen in my life.

COLE

You can sue people and still think they’re hot!

CLIENT 3

You know! Just a dude! Just a little guy!

BONNIE

What???

CLIENT 3

A sir! A fella!

CLIENT 5

Can I sue my sister?

COLE

For inviting you to her bachelorette party?

CLIENT 5

Well, yeah. She’s been a real bitch about getting married first. Just because she’s younger--

CLIENT 2

I think you just don’t understand how hard it is to be adopted.

BONNIE

I am adopted.

CLIENT 2

… I’m so sorry.

CLIENT 5

That’s why I can’t sue. If I don’t get married in the next year I’m never going to hear the end of it.

BONNIE

And you want to marry… Reynard?

CLIENT 5

Well, no, mostly I just want to fuck him. I mean, nards of steel, am I right?

CLIENT 3

A lawsuit will not bring my fruitflies back to me. Nothing will bring my fruitflies back to me.

BONNIE

Alright, well, I’m sorry we weren’t able to reach an agreement.

COLE

Feel free to take a business card before you go.

BONNIE

If you don’t mind, just one more question before we finish up…

BONNIE AND COLE

How did you hear about Smith, Smithman, De Smedt, and Smed?

Scene Six

Setting: Harper’s desk

COLE

Afternoon, Harper! Can you tell us why Bonnie and I just finished our fourth Reynard victim consultation today?

HARPER

Oh, hi Ms. Firestein, Ms. Castillo! Did you? I guess Reynard must have hurt a lot of people!

BONNIE

Really? Because every single one of them mentioned talking about their situations on FlySpace, and a plucky young lawyer who DMed them LOIS’s contact line.

HARPER

… wow! I wonder who that was!

COLE

Harper.

HARPER

Okay, yes, fine, it was me. There are just so many people in bad situations right now --

COLE

And literally none of them wanted to sue.

HARPER

You couldn’t convince any of them?

BONNIE

No, we couldn’t. And Harper, those meetings took up a ton of our time; we’re probably going to have to sleep here tonight if we want to stay on top of our actual cases.

COLE

Which would maybe be worth it if any of them had yielded any results, but they didn’t. They were absolutely useless, just like we would’ve said they would be if you’d asked us first!

HARPER

So what? You just decided before you even try that it’s not going to work?

BONNIE

Cole and I have been doing this for a long time. We’ve seen these big PR campaigns before.

HARPER

I’m sorry, but I don’t get what I did wrong. I saw people who needed legal help and gave them our contact info. Ms. Castillo, I saw you doing research yesterday! I know you want to help!

COLE

Of course we do! But we can’t! We’re not superheroes!

HARPER

Are you sure? Or are you just telling yourself that so you don’t have to do anything?

BONNIE

[sharply]

Out of line, Harper. That’s enough.

[beat]

I know you have a lot of big, grand ideas and that’s great. But we have full caseloads, and you do not. We have years of experience in this field, and you do not. Furthermore, we are your bosses, and while neither of us like pulling rank on you, you need to show us some respect.

HARPER

… sorry. Sorry, yes, I shouldn’t have said that.

[beat]

I’m not sorry for setting up those meetings, though. I won’t do it again, but I don’t regret it.

BONNIE

[sighs]

I suppose that’s the best we’re going to get. Come on, Cole.

[Footsteps, Bonnie and Cole walk away. Then, abruptly, Cole stops.]

COLE

Are they right? Can we do more?

BONNIE

… maybe. But we’re right, too. It’s complicated, Cole, you know that.

[beat]

Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to call Martin and he’s going to feed Selina. Then I am going to get the secret pillows I keep in the floorboards, order donuts, and we are going to set up in a conference room for the night, where we will both do good, productive work, and you will remember all the people that you are doing things for, and you’ll feel better. Alright?

COLE

[quietly]

Alright. Thanks, Bonnie.

BONNIE

For you, my work wife, anything.

[Footsteps as Bonnie walks away. Then, a final sigh from Cole.]

Scene Seven

Setting: Conference room, then the desk area

[muffled noises of protesters outside the building, then sleepy noises as Cole wakes up]

COLE

[asleep]

Hmm, what — oh.

BONNIE

[sleepy, then flustered]

Oh — oh, sorry!

COLE

[flustered]

No, no, it’s fine! It happens! Sometimes when you sleep on the floor you accidentally cuddle!

BONNIE

[flustered]

Yeah, I guess!

[beat]

What’s that noise?

COLE

I’ll go check.

[shuffling as she gets up from where she’s sleeping on the floor and goes over to the window]

Oh. Oh, no. Bon, come to the window, you should see this.

[shuffling, Bonnie goes over to the window]

BONNIE

[completely awake]

Oh my god.

[A beat, then the sound of a door slamming open and the bustling sounds of an office as the two storm into the main general litigation area. Bonnie is panicking.]

How is this happening again? Two protests in less than a year???

COLE

LOIS, what are they protesting?

LOIS

Hmm. According to King Noble’s FlySpace, he planned this demonstration because he felt that our firm was unfairly targeting his brother.

BONNIE

[SO panicking]

You mean it’s our fault again???

HARPER

[appearing in a rush]

Ms. Firestein, Ms. Castillo! I just came in through the protesters, I’m so sorry --

COLE

You should be, you’re gonna kill Bonnie!

[High pitched noise from Bonnie]

Ahh, deep breaths, remember? In for four, out for four --

HARPER

I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I don’t even know how it happened!

COLE

It happened because Reynard is rich and powerful and he’ll chase down anyone he thinks is a threat to that. Standard stuff, kid.

HARPER

I’m so, so sorry, Ms. Firestein. I’m gonna fix this, I swear.

COLE

Harper, what —

[loud footsteps, Harper flees the building]

Hey! Where are you going?! Come on, let’s go.

[more footsteps, Bonnie and Cole run after Harper]

[Outside, the chanting of the protesters is no longer muffled. They’re doing some catchy chant, and they’re very loud. We hear some shoving as Bonnie and Cole get into the crowd.]

BONNIE

Ugh, shit, where’d they go?

COLE

Uh, I think I found them.

[feedback noises as Harper wrestles the megaphone away from King Noble]

HARPER

[into a megaphone over a roaring crowd]

Um, me! Excuse me, please!

[crowd quiets down]

Um, hello everyone! My name is Harper Hallo. Uh, I think you’re all mad at me.

PROTESTER 1

[shouting from the crowd]

Are we?

KING NOBLE

[through another megaphone]

Yes, this is the young attorney that has been trying to sue my brother.

[crowd boos]

HARPER

[through a megaphone]

Yes, um, I guess that’s me! Um, if you want to protest someone, it should be me, okay? I was the only one talking to those people on FlySpace. My bosses already yelled at me for it!

BONNIE

Oh my god.

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

With respect, Mx. Hallo, your superiors took meetings for five potential suits in two days!

COLE

Okay. I’m going to do something. Wait here.

BONNIE

Cole!

HARPER

[through a megaphone]

I mean, I believe those people had a right to sue, but --

[crowd starts booing, Harper speaks louder]

But that’s just my personal opinion! It doesn’t reflect -- Ms. Castillo?

COLE

Give me that.

[Feedback noises as Cole takes the megaphone. She begins speaking through it.]

Alright, everybody shut up! Shut up!

[crowd quiets]

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

And who are you?

COLE

[through a megaphone]

I’m Colette Castillo, I’m an associate here and Harper is my junior associate. A goddamn law student, a baby.

HARPER

I’m not a baby.

COLE

[through a megaphone]

So if you want to yell, you’re gonna yell at me! I’m their boss, I’m responsible for them!

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

Well, ma’am, I’m perfectly comfortable yelling at you.

[crowd cheers]

COLE

[through a megaphone]

Oh, shut up, shut up! Reynard is not going to have sex with any of you!

[cheers turn to boos]

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone, after boos ebb a bit, which takes a minute]

Ms. Castillo, that is my brother you’re talking about! We are not here because we want to have sex with Reynard!

PROTESTER 2

I am!

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

Okay, except for him.

PROTESTER 3

I am too!

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

Oh, for -- okay, raise your hand if you’re here because you want to have sex with Reynard.

[beat]

Okay, wow that’s a lot of you. Some of us are not here because we want to have sex with Reynard!

COLE

[through a megaphone]

Why are you here, then? Because you hate the idea of a mother being able to rebuild her home? Because you don’t want a public schoolteacher to have a car to drive to work? Or maybe you hate orphanages! Maybe you think that the orphanage that exploded should stay gone!

[throughout this speech, booing starts to peter off]

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

That is a distortment of this protest and you know it. We are here because you are so determined to bleed my brother dry!

COLE

[through a megaphone]

Your brother is richer than God, he’ll be fine!

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

For your information, he is a god.

COLE

[through a megaphone]

I don’t actually give a shit about your brother. I’d prefer he didn’t destroy more cities, but that’s it. Harper didn’t reach out to those people to punish him! They just saw people suffering and wanted to help!

[murmuring grows]

None of those people wanted to sue, but I wish they did. Not because I give a shit about fox boy, but because it could’ve improved their lives. I could’ve improved their lives.

[murmuring reaches a fever pitch]

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone, starting to panic a little]

That’s… that’s lovely, Ms. Castillo. But! But, fox boy? Do you deny that you have something against my brother?

COLE

[through a megaphone]

Fucking -- yes, I do! Is that supposed to be a gotcha? He destroyed Linbrook!

Look, Mr. Lion, I know what it’s like to have a shitty life! I can relate to Reynard! I’m orphaned too, I was adopted too! I was poor, I was hungry, I was alone my whole childhood! I had to join the goddamn circus just to survive, and after that, I was queer and Latina in a straight, white world. I’ve been different and I’ve been lonely, and I know how much that sucks! I… ugh, fuck.

[through a megaphone, audibly gathering herself]

I chose every day to rise above all that. To be good. I know how hard that is. I understand why Reynard wasn’t able to. But that’s what I’m trying to do, every day. It’s what I was trying to do during all those meetings. I… I want to help.

[Silence for a beat. Then, slowly, the crowd starts to break into applause]

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone, a bit]

It seems I’ve misjudged you, Ms. Castillo. And Mx. Hallo as well.

COLE

[through a megaphone, also a bit choked up]

Yeah, you did! Say you’re sorry!

KING NOBLE

[through a megaphone]

I most certainly am sorry. And we will all be on our way.

HARPER

[applause continues, and Harper speaks quietly, just to Cole]

Thanks, Cole.

COLE

[applause continues, and Cole speaks quietly, just to Harper]

Hm. You too, kid.

Scene Eight

Setting: Mal’s office

HARPER

[audibly nervous]

Hello, Mr. Aria! Sir!

[a chair is pulled out, Mal sits down]

MAL

It seems you’ve all caused quite the stir.

HARPER

Mostly me, sir! Ms. Firestein and Ms. Castillo didn’t --

COLE

Honestly, I’m pretty sure it was mostly me.

BONNIE

This was on all of us. We will all accept whatever consequences are coming.

MAL

Yes, I think you all had a hand in this. Which is why I must say… congratulations to all of you!

HARPER, BONNIE, and COLE

What?

MAL

Now, Mx. Hallo, you will have to be more careful about your… FlySpacing in the future. I have no idea what that means, but I am told that it was bad. But you gave no legal advice, and according to LOIS, your account is not tied to our firm. So, extend your wrist.

[beat, then a light slapping noise]

LOIS

I do not believe the partners referred to a literal slap on the wrist, Mr. Aria.

MAL

Well, regardless, it’s done. And Miss Castillo, a commendation to you.

COLE

For yelling outside the firm?

MAL

Indeed. I am told that you have, ahem, “gone viral”. Which, apparently, is a good thing.

LOIS

Your speech has been viewed over 3 million times on MeTube. It has caused a host of new inquiries at the firm about suing Reynard, the first of which is from a Ms. Andrea Soto.

COLE

[shocked, pleased]

Really?

MAL

Really! In fact, there are enough potential clients to start a class action lawsuit. The Smiths think that it would only be appropriate to hand this case to you and Ms. Firestein.

COLE

Holy shit.

MAL

Language.

COLE

Sorry.

MAL

And, if I might add, it was very brave of you to tell your story like that in front of so many people.

COLE

Oh, that? I made most of that up, actually.

[beat]

HARPER

What?

COLE

I mean, obviously the queer and Latina stuff is true, which was hard. And I do want to help people. But I’m not adopted, my mom’s a dentist, and my dad’s a successful interior designer.

[beat]

HARPER

Huh.

MAL

Well, commendation for the creativity, then. In any case, you may go.

[door opens and closes, the gang disperses]

COLE

Actually, I should probably apologize to you about that whole speech thing. I did kind of steal your life’s story.

BONNIE

Eh, only the adoption and the circus. And you got us a class action suit! Which will be an absolute ton of work.

COLE

Ugh, yeah, it probably will. Are you sure you want to do it?

BONNIE

Yeah, it’ll be a great career booster. Definitely worth it for me. What about you, Miss Less-Work-For-Us?

COLE

[Beat. If podcasts were visual, we’d see a satisfied smile slowly growing on Cole’s face.]

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

NARRATOR

Oh, Cole! You always know how to surprise us! And thank you, Harper Hallo, for reminding brave lawyers why they fight this fight! A little idealism never hurts. Much.

We'll see you again soon, listener; for wherever there are lawyers being super, there are supers needing lawyers. Join us next time for another exciting day in the city of Megalopolis, here on Super Suits!