1 00:00:00,799 --> 00:00:04,400 Welcome to reflections with Amanda Durocher, a new view advice 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:08,080 minisode series. Hey, beautiful soul. Welcome 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:11,920 to reflections, my new minisode series I'll be offering 4 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:15,460 on Fridays. I'm really excited about this. This is going to be 5 00:00:15,705 --> 00:00:19,545 different stories, maybe poems, but different writings about my own healing 6 00:00:19,545 --> 00:00:23,225 journey that I've decided I wanted to share through podcast and also through 7 00:00:23,225 --> 00:00:27,064 video. So you will be able to see me actually on Spotify and 8 00:00:27,064 --> 00:00:30,900 YouTube. Very exciting. I don't usually do video, but I thought I'd give it a 9 00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:33,780 try with this one. So please be kind. This is my first YouTube video with 10 00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:37,620 my face in it. So if the angle's not right, I'll figure it out. You 11 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:40,840 know what I mean? Let's just let's just be kind out there. Anyway, 12 00:00:41,415 --> 00:00:45,175 this is very much a done is better than perfect series. I've actually 13 00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:48,774 wanted to share more stories from my own healing journey for a long time now, 14 00:00:48,774 --> 00:00:52,295 but, you know, I just had a lot of resistance to it. I even felt 15 00:00:52,295 --> 00:00:56,100 a lot of resistance this week. I know this is something my heart's 16 00:00:56,100 --> 00:00:59,780 been asking me to do, but I just I don't know. It's pretty 17 00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:03,620 vulnerable to share my own stories, and, you know, I always fear 18 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:06,740 that I'm the only one who's been through this stuff. But I actually love to 19 00:01:06,740 --> 00:01:10,365 share because the feedback I get the most 20 00:01:10,365 --> 00:01:14,045 is how much people understand these different experiences I've 21 00:01:14,045 --> 00:01:17,885 had and how I understand the experiences you've had. So today, I 22 00:01:17,885 --> 00:01:21,725 am sharing a story about anger, and it is inspired by 23 00:01:21,725 --> 00:01:25,210 this week's episode where we talked about anger in episode 24 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:28,970 109 about creativity and how I believe it's okay to 25 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:32,729 create from an angry place and how anger doesn't have to be preachy. So I 26 00:01:32,729 --> 00:01:35,369 wanted to share this story I wrote, and it's about a time I got really, 27 00:01:35,369 --> 00:01:38,994 really angry and I had no idea how to handle this amount of 28 00:01:38,994 --> 00:01:42,215 anger. And I share it for a few reasons. 29 00:01:42,674 --> 00:01:46,354 1, because we talked about anger this week, but, 2, because I wanna 30 00:01:46,354 --> 00:01:50,115 normalize how strong these emotions can be when you're healing from trauma. 31 00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:53,830 The stories I'm gonna share here are kind of the stories I wish I 32 00:01:53,830 --> 00:01:57,290 heard along the way. You know, I'm always inspired by people who 33 00:01:57,670 --> 00:02:01,350 have overcome trauma, and they look amazing, and they're doing 34 00:02:01,350 --> 00:02:04,470 shit, and they look all put together. That's what it is. They look put together 35 00:02:04,470 --> 00:02:08,074 where I'm really interested also in hearing about how 36 00:02:08,074 --> 00:02:11,915 people haven't always had it together because I know I've made a lot 37 00:02:11,915 --> 00:02:14,395 of mistakes in my life. I've had a lot of hard feelings. I didn't always 38 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:18,209 know how to process my feelings in a healthy way, and that is something I 39 00:02:18,209 --> 00:02:21,810 had to learn through my healing journey. And those are the kind of stories that 40 00:02:21,810 --> 00:02:25,569 I'll be sharing. So with that, I'll be reading this story that I 41 00:02:25,569 --> 00:02:28,930 wrote. And, yeah, we'll see how this 42 00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:32,695 goes. Let's just jump on in. This story is 43 00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:36,475 called That Time the Guy Who Raped Me Got Engaged and I Lost My Shit. 44 00:02:37,495 --> 00:02:40,875 I throw my phone across the room and scream at the top of my lungs. 45 00:02:41,015 --> 00:02:44,615 What's wrong? What's wrong? Evan, my long term partner, runs into the room out of 46 00:02:44,615 --> 00:02:47,990 breath. I have no words. I curl into a fetal position on the 47 00:02:47,990 --> 00:02:51,590 floor, rock back and forth, and try to breathe. I had been sober 2 weeks 48 00:02:51,590 --> 00:02:55,190 and was new to being with my anger. Currently, the score was anger, 1. 49 00:02:55,190 --> 00:02:58,995 Amanda, 0. I had just been scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw that 50 00:02:58,995 --> 00:03:02,035 people I knew from high school were with one of the guys who raped me. 51 00:03:02,035 --> 00:03:05,875 They were celebrating his new engagement with a party. Everyone was drinking, 52 00:03:05,875 --> 00:03:09,475 dancing, and laughing. He had 3 things I didn't have, an 53 00:03:09,475 --> 00:03:13,080 engagement, friends to celebrate with, and the ability to drink booze. 54 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,860 Why was I here on the floor of my parents' house at age 29, 55 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,600 frozen in the past, while he gets to be happy? How is this 56 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:24,440 fair? Where is the justice? In this moment, all I wanted 57 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,400 was a drink. But for the first time in my life, I knew that wasn't 58 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,935 an option. But I didn't know what to do with all this rage. My 59 00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:34,614 therapist always told me that anger is a secondary emotion and it's often used to 60 00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:38,055 cover up a primary emotion. But in this moment, the rage was front and 61 00:03:38,055 --> 00:03:41,850 center. Evan tries to place a hand on me. I hit his hand away. 62 00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:45,610 Do not touch me, I bark. I get up off the floor. I need 63 00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:49,210 space. The 5,000 square foot house begins to feel like a tiny 64 00:03:49,210 --> 00:03:52,650 closet that keeps getting smaller and smaller. I recognize this 65 00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:56,090 feeling. I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel as though I am 66 00:03:56,090 --> 00:03:59,705 suffocating. What happened? What do you need? The more Evan worries, 67 00:03:59,705 --> 00:04:03,465 the more suffocated I feel. I crawl to the front door and get 68 00:04:03,465 --> 00:04:07,065 outside. The temperature is below freezing and there's snow all over the 69 00:04:07,065 --> 00:04:10,745 yard. I climb into the snow and stare at the stars, praying that I begin 70 00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:14,010 to feel my body again. Images flash through my mind. 71 00:04:14,310 --> 00:04:18,070 Rage burns my insides like an inferno. I'm surprised the snow doesn't melt 72 00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:21,910 under me. Evan peeks his head out the window. He's nervous. I can 73 00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:25,590 feel it from here. Will he just leave me alone? I can't handle 74 00:04:25,590 --> 00:04:29,215 his emotions on top of my own right now. I'm waiting for the 75 00:04:29,215 --> 00:04:33,055 tears to come, but I continue to only feel the rage. Flashes of the 76 00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:36,655 past fly through my mind. These are the images I used to bury with a 77 00:04:36,655 --> 00:04:40,415 glass or sticks of wine. I see myself pinned down, beaten. Too much. I 78 00:04:40,415 --> 00:04:44,200 am feeling too much. I grab snow and begin building mini snowmen. I 79 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,800 then smash the tiny snowmen with my hands. I see the boys who violated me, 80 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,000 the ones who beat me into submission. In this tiny snow world, I am the 81 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,360 queen and I demolish them. Today, this is the only power I 82 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,915 have. I begin to feel my body and myself again when Evan opens the 83 00:04:57,915 --> 00:05:01,215 door. Amanda, why don't you come in? It's just too cold to be outside. 84 00:05:01,595 --> 00:05:05,275 Jesus Christ, I mutter. I get up. The rage is back. I stomp 85 00:05:05,275 --> 00:05:09,020 past him. I begin pacing back and forth. I can't control the images 86 00:05:09,020 --> 00:05:12,300 flying through my head. I debate smashing my head against the wall. I don't know 87 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:15,980 how to make this stop. My mind jumps between flashbacks, despair, and 88 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:19,660 reminders that as I am here, the guy who raped me is happy in 89 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:23,194 getting married. Evan stares at me with a look of concern mixed with 90 00:05:23,194 --> 00:05:27,034 confusion and terror. The old me would have poured a glass of wine and smiled 91 00:05:27,034 --> 00:05:30,875 and said, I'm fine. This new me is unhinged. She can't even fake 92 00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:34,560 a smile. It takes all of me not to scream at him. As the 93 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,840 rage continues to boil over, I remember a set of plates I just bought at 94 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,960 Walmart. When I first went sober, I bought a set of dinner plates with the 95 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,479 intention of smashing them into a garbage can. I'd heard that breaking glass 96 00:05:44,479 --> 00:05:48,155 intentionally could be therapeutic. When I heard this, I thought it sounded like a 97 00:05:48,155 --> 00:05:51,455 fun activity. How naive I was just 2 weeks earlier, 98 00:05:51,755 --> 00:05:55,375 completely unaware of the amount of rage I had pent up inside me. 99 00:05:55,835 --> 00:05:59,675 Leave me alone, I seethe at Evan. I grab the plates and 100 00:05:59,675 --> 00:06:03,250 storm down into the basement. The basement is unfinished and feels like the kind of 101 00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:07,090 place where a ghost would reside. I feel right at home here. The amount 102 00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:10,850 I'm feeling feels too much for the living. It feels like only feelings the dead 103 00:06:10,850 --> 00:06:14,450 would understand, those who are angry that they have died too young while 104 00:06:14,450 --> 00:06:18,264 others still get to live. I put in my headphones and blast Lincoln 105 00:06:18,264 --> 00:06:21,865 Park in the end on repeat. I drag a trash can into the center of 106 00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:25,625 the room and begin smashing the plates as I scream obscenities. As 107 00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:29,465 each plate shatters, I feel relief course through my body. Each plate 108 00:06:29,465 --> 00:06:33,240 resembles how I feel on the inside, shattered and broken. As the 109 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,940 plates smash and my voice becomes coarse, the tears finally come. 110 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,920 I fall to the floor and sob. My therapist was right. The rage was 111 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,700 covering up the deepest pain I had ever felt, the heartbreak of innocence 112 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,365 lost. So that is my first story. 113 00:06:48,905 --> 00:06:52,585 Thank you for joining me for this first episode of Reflections, a 114 00:06:52,585 --> 00:06:56,264 newbie advice minisode series. And I hope you enjoyed 115 00:06:56,264 --> 00:07:00,025 this story, and I look forward to seeing you next week where I 116 00:07:00,025 --> 00:07:03,580 share another story from my healing journey. Thank you so much for tuning 117 00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:07,340 in and I'd love to hear what you thought of this episode. So either 118 00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:10,940 leave a comment on the episode or feel free to message me on 119 00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:14,780 Instagram where I rarely ever am but I will get back to you eventually. I 120 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,589 promise. Or send me an email at contact at newviewadvice.com. Thanks 121 00:07:18,589 --> 00:07:19,914 so much. See you next time.