1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,599 Have you ever emailed the rest of the team saying, yeah, that's interesting, 2 00:00:03,599 --> 00:00:07,467 we should talk to so-and-so about that, only six weeks later to find 3 00:00:07,467 --> 00:00:09,777 that nobody has done anything at all. 4 00:00:10,124 --> 00:00:13,124 Or what about when a friend asks you, do you want to come 5 00:00:13,124 --> 00:00:14,444 along to this talk with me? 6 00:00:14,474 --> 00:00:16,934 And you know that night you really need to be in, but you 7 00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:20,164 say, oh, it sounds interesting, let me have some more details. 8 00:00:20,464 --> 00:00:24,641 They take it as a yes, you think you've said no, and then the night comes and 9 00:00:24,641 --> 00:00:27,881 they text you and say, I've got that ticket, we're meeting at seven, you think, 10 00:00:28,121 --> 00:00:31,324 why didn't I say a straightforward no? 11 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:38,080 This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we 12 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,750 talk about on our full podcast episodes. 13 00:00:41,050 --> 00:00:44,380 I've chosen today's topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it 14 00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:47,770 takes to have a cup of tea so you can return to whatever else you're 15 00:00:47,770 --> 00:00:50,140 up to feeling energized and inspired. 16 00:00:50,710 --> 00:00:54,520 For more tools, tips, and insights to help you thrive at work, don't 17 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:58,480 forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts. 18 00:00:59,962 --> 00:01:03,772 Now, sometimes there are things I hear several times in one week, and when I 19 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,402 hear the same phrase said several times by several different people, I just think 20 00:01:07,402 --> 00:01:11,002 it's a universe telling me we should be talking about something on the podcast. 21 00:01:11,302 --> 00:01:14,722 And this week I want to talk about clarity. 22 00:01:14,976 --> 00:01:17,316 And it's something that I struggle with myself. 23 00:01:17,556 --> 00:01:20,946 Only the other week, some members of my team were asking for more 24 00:01:20,946 --> 00:01:25,156 clarity about their specific roles and what I expected them to do. 25 00:01:25,774 --> 00:01:29,194 And I guess if I'm honest, I've been thinking to myself, I don't want 26 00:01:29,194 --> 00:01:33,214 to offend anybody by telling them I want 'em to do this and not this. 27 00:01:33,544 --> 00:01:38,239 And so I'd sort of hedged around and said, well, let's just see, uh, let 28 00:01:38,239 --> 00:01:40,264 me know what it is you want to do. 29 00:01:40,564 --> 00:01:44,794 And then they were worried about communicating with me exactly what it was 30 00:01:44,794 --> 00:01:47,733 that they thought they should be doing 'cause they didn't want to offend me. 31 00:01:48,051 --> 00:01:51,321 and when I started to really delve into this, I realized there were lots and 32 00:01:51,321 --> 00:01:54,531 lots of occasions where I am unclear. 33 00:01:54,951 --> 00:01:59,793 How many times have I sent an email just with the words ASAP at the end, and then 34 00:01:59,793 --> 00:02:02,853 something hasn't come back for a while, and I've been fuming actually, when I 35 00:02:02,853 --> 00:02:05,523 meant ASAP, I meant by the next day. 36 00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,343 But that person had sort of taken two weeks to do it. 37 00:02:08,643 --> 00:02:11,308 Or perhaps times when I've said, well, I really don't mind what you think. 38 00:02:11,646 --> 00:02:12,306 Whatever you think. 39 00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:15,816 When actually I did mind and I had quite strong opinions about what 40 00:02:15,816 --> 00:02:19,356 I wanted, and then when I didn't get what I wanted, I resented it. 41 00:02:19,686 --> 00:02:22,716 Sometimes we say things like, yeah, whatever works for you. 42 00:02:23,092 --> 00:02:24,412 We don't really mean that. 43 00:02:24,502 --> 00:02:27,532 Or let me know your thoughts, when actually what we wanted 44 00:02:27,562 --> 00:02:29,242 was then to just do it. 45 00:02:29,603 --> 00:02:32,123 Sometimes I've said to my family, I've just gotta check a couple of 46 00:02:32,123 --> 00:02:36,023 emails, knowing full well that I've got another hour of work to do. 47 00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:39,873 So they're waiting for me to do something and I'm just down in my office working. 48 00:02:40,197 --> 00:02:42,987 Or I've said, oh, well, I, I would love it if this could happen, but 49 00:02:42,987 --> 00:02:46,557 not actually said, it's really important to me that this happens. 50 00:02:46,857 --> 00:02:50,007 Or I'd rather not, but you know, I could. 51 00:02:50,007 --> 00:02:51,477 If you've got nobody else to cover. 52 00:02:51,837 --> 00:02:52,947 Then of course they're gonna think. 53 00:02:52,947 --> 00:02:55,197 Yeah, look, Rachel said she would anyway. 54 00:02:55,647 --> 00:02:57,447 And here's the thing about lack of clarity. 55 00:02:57,447 --> 00:03:00,957 We tell ourselves that we are being polite, but lack of clarity 56 00:03:00,957 --> 00:03:03,357 isn't polite, it's not kind. 57 00:03:03,657 --> 00:03:06,507 If clear is kind, then unclear is unkind. 58 00:03:07,016 --> 00:03:12,666 And most of us, especially in healthcare, we unconsciously hedge, hint and hope. 59 00:03:12,982 --> 00:03:14,662 We soften everything. 60 00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,972 We make things unclear. 61 00:03:17,302 --> 00:03:19,672 We say things like, sorry to bother you, but, or Would you 62 00:03:19,672 --> 00:03:24,622 mind possibly, or I'll try to, or things like I said earlier, ASAP. 63 00:03:24,622 --> 00:03:25,672 And we do it at work. 64 00:03:25,852 --> 00:03:27,532 We do it in emails, we do it with colleagues. 65 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,972 We even do it at home. 66 00:03:29,272 --> 00:03:30,442 Because we worry, don't we? 67 00:03:30,442 --> 00:03:33,502 And particularly if you're a woman, we worry that being 68 00:03:33,502 --> 00:03:35,962 direct is taken as being rude. 69 00:03:36,395 --> 00:03:38,975 That if we are clear, that's taken as being bossy. 70 00:03:38,975 --> 00:03:42,005 And if we say no, well you are selfish. 71 00:03:42,394 --> 00:03:46,289 We also worry that this could possibly be career limiting or 72 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:49,864 we worry that it might destroy a relationship that we hold really dear. 73 00:03:49,864 --> 00:03:53,104 And we also worry about how other people see us. 74 00:03:53,527 --> 00:03:57,907 And sometimes we have tried to be clear but not gone far enough. 75 00:03:57,937 --> 00:04:01,417 So with my family, I get very frustrated when nobody empties the 76 00:04:01,417 --> 00:04:04,897 dishwasher and when I have emptied the dishwasher, nobody puts their stuff in. 77 00:04:05,107 --> 00:04:08,437 So the other day I said to them, please at least will you put 78 00:04:08,437 --> 00:04:11,982 your own bowls and things in the dishwasher, and then what happens? 79 00:04:11,982 --> 00:04:15,192 I come down to find that people have put their own stuff away, 80 00:04:15,192 --> 00:04:16,932 but nothing else in the kitchen. 81 00:04:17,241 --> 00:04:20,361 And then I feel really annoyed that they're being thoughtless, that they 82 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:23,631 don't care about my feelings when they'd done what I'd asked them to do, which was 83 00:04:23,781 --> 00:04:25,491 put their own things in the dishwasher. 84 00:04:25,941 --> 00:04:29,421 I'd hinted at what I wanted, but I wasn't clear. 85 00:04:29,815 --> 00:04:33,955 Now the dishwasher is a very minor example, but I know there's been 86 00:04:33,955 --> 00:04:37,405 times where I haven't given feedback to people I needed to at work. 87 00:04:37,685 --> 00:04:40,205 I haven't been clear about the support I needed from them. 88 00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:44,421 And then when they failed to give it to me, I would get more and more resentful. 89 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:47,091 And that resentment would come out in other ways, like in a meeting, 90 00:04:47,091 --> 00:04:49,611 I'd suddenly snap at them or just go, well, why aren't you done that? 91 00:04:49,641 --> 00:04:51,171 And be really short with them. 92 00:04:51,171 --> 00:04:54,201 And then I felt even worse about myself, and then I would fawn 93 00:04:54,201 --> 00:04:57,561 and try and make things better and then get even less clear. 94 00:04:57,561 --> 00:04:59,571 So it can be a real vicious circle. 95 00:04:59,871 --> 00:05:01,551 But do I hedge my bets? 96 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,561 Do I hint and hope 'cause I'm a bad person? 97 00:05:03,561 --> 00:05:04,731 No, of course not. 98 00:05:05,421 --> 00:05:10,221 We do it for all the reasons that we can't say no, for all the other reasons 99 00:05:10,401 --> 00:05:14,781 why we find it difficult giving feedback, because we want to avoid conflict. 100 00:05:15,321 --> 00:05:16,431 We wanna be polite. 101 00:05:17,121 --> 00:05:20,211 We wanna protect other people from from discomfort. 102 00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:25,611 Many of us want to keep everybody else happy and just keep everything peaceful. 103 00:05:26,301 --> 00:05:32,091 And also, sometimes we are really unclear because we need to make a decision about 104 00:05:32,091 --> 00:05:37,611 something, but we haven't got the mental capacity at the time to make a decision. 105 00:05:38,061 --> 00:05:41,601 A colleague was telling me that after having done some work around setting 106 00:05:41,601 --> 00:05:45,791 boundaries and saying no, that she knows that she always used to say, 107 00:05:46,121 --> 00:05:49,601 yeah, I, I probably could make that work, let, let, let me see when 108 00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,281 someone asked her about something. 109 00:05:51,581 --> 00:05:56,051 And now when someone asks her to do something, she's made a habit of saying 110 00:05:56,051 --> 00:06:00,701 to them, let me get back to you in the, in two days time, and I'll let you 111 00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:04,121 know if I can do that or not, giving herself a deadline and being really 112 00:06:04,121 --> 00:06:06,666 clear about the decision making process. 113 00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:11,245 So underneath it all, we don't want to upset people, we don't want 114 00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:15,759 people to think badly of us, And this lack of clarity is based on these 115 00:06:15,849 --> 00:06:19,209 underlying stories that we have all the time in healthcare, we talk about 116 00:06:19,209 --> 00:06:20,829 them all the time in the podcast. 117 00:06:21,369 --> 00:06:22,479 But it's fear. 118 00:06:22,569 --> 00:06:26,679 Fear of the other person's reaction of, of losing the relationship. 119 00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:30,129 Fear that they might complain about us or think badly of us. 120 00:06:30,437 --> 00:06:31,617 It's based on guilt. 121 00:06:32,127 --> 00:06:36,387 If that person's upset by the clarity that I've given them, if I say something 122 00:06:36,387 --> 00:06:39,747 that's clear but they don't like it, I'm gonna feel really bad if they're 123 00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,697 upset or I hurt their feelings. 124 00:06:41,847 --> 00:06:46,707 And then underneath that, there's even more toxic thing of shame, that 125 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:51,147 if somebody is upset by what I've said or somebody takes it badly, 126 00:06:51,417 --> 00:06:53,637 then it means I'm a bad person. 127 00:06:54,057 --> 00:06:55,047 I am bad., 128 00:06:55,452 --> 00:06:58,242 Nobody wants to feel like that,, so we avoid stuff. 129 00:06:58,392 --> 00:07:02,322 We hedge and we hint and hope rather than expressing what we 130 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,422 really want and what we really need. 131 00:07:04,422 --> 00:07:07,782 Because what if they think that I am selfish? 132 00:07:08,322 --> 00:07:11,502 And it's interesting, this one about being selfish in healthcare. 133 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,392 It's our particular kryptonite, isn't it? 134 00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:16,632 Because I think we've been brought up to always put the patient first, 135 00:07:16,632 --> 00:07:18,222 to always think about other people. 136 00:07:18,432 --> 00:07:20,892 A lot of us define ourselves by helping other people. 137 00:07:21,192 --> 00:07:23,892 So being selfish is saying, well, I'm not. 138 00:07:23,892 --> 00:07:27,132 I'm the opposite of this image that I have of myself. 139 00:07:27,432 --> 00:07:31,632 But it is not selfish to put yourself first to give clear boundaries. 140 00:07:31,662 --> 00:07:37,122 I think it's more selfish actually to not to be clear, to hedge and hint 141 00:07:37,122 --> 00:07:42,072 and hope because it protects you from that short term pain and that short 142 00:07:42,072 --> 00:07:45,672 term discomfort of not being light of somebody thinking badly of you. 143 00:07:45,972 --> 00:07:51,565 Because hinting, hedging and hoping, it doesn't avoid conflict, it just postpones 144 00:07:51,565 --> 00:07:53,995 it, and it often makes things worse. 145 00:07:54,115 --> 00:07:57,205 'cause when you are unclear, people have to guess what you 146 00:07:57,205 --> 00:07:59,155 mean, and they usually guess wrong. 147 00:07:59,215 --> 00:08:00,715 Nobody can mind read. 148 00:08:00,723 --> 00:08:04,640 One of the favorite things I've learned in the past few years was in a study on 149 00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:08,810 who can mind read and who minds reads the best, that actually married couples 150 00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:11,390 are the very worst at mind reading 'cause they just assume they know 151 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:13,010 what the other person wants or thinks. 152 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,170 And the people who are best, well they were people on first dates. 153 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:17,880 Why were they best at mind reading? 154 00:08:18,285 --> 00:08:20,205 Because they asked the person what they wanted. 155 00:08:20,475 --> 00:08:21,495 They were really clear. 156 00:08:21,555 --> 00:08:22,605 They didn't just assume. 157 00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,418 A few weeks ago, I was at the beautician getting my fingernails 158 00:08:25,478 --> 00:08:27,068 and getting my toenails done. 159 00:08:27,518 --> 00:08:31,988 And I knew I also wanted my eyebrows, but I didn't think I'd booked it. 160 00:08:31,988 --> 00:08:35,378 And I thought, well, it only takes 15 minutes, so let's just 161 00:08:35,378 --> 00:08:36,308 see if they can do it as well. 162 00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:40,928 So I asked the, the beautician, I said, oh, did I book for my eyebrows as well? 163 00:08:41,258 --> 00:08:42,668 And she said, oh, let me have a look. 164 00:08:42,668 --> 00:08:44,558 So she looked and she said, no, you didn't. 165 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:45,968 So then I waited. 166 00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:48,761 I went, oh, cause oh, I wanted to get those done. 167 00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:51,761 And she didn't say anything and just kept going with my nails. 168 00:08:52,061 --> 00:08:55,388 And I thought, oh, maybe she's too busy or maybe she just wants a 169 00:08:55,388 --> 00:08:57,278 break because she's, she's tired. 170 00:08:57,682 --> 00:08:59,242 And then I thought, no, I'm gonna ask. 171 00:08:59,242 --> 00:09:03,622 I said, I don't suppose you have a spare 15 minutes to you before the next person. 172 00:09:03,922 --> 00:09:05,152 And she said, oh, you know what? 173 00:09:05,152 --> 00:09:07,222 I could probably fit you in for that now, that's fine. 174 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:12,172 I just hinted and expected that she would know exactly what I meant, that 175 00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:16,975 I wanted this extra treatment rather than asking directly for what I needed. 176 00:09:17,301 --> 00:09:20,661 So if you think you know what the other person's thinking or think 177 00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:24,591 that they can mind read you, you're completely barking up the wrong tree. 178 00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:28,398 They probably can't, and they will probably get it wrong, and then you 179 00:09:28,398 --> 00:09:30,048 get upset when they get it wrong. 180 00:09:30,498 --> 00:09:31,608 You end up resentful. 181 00:09:31,608 --> 00:09:32,988 And I definitely do this. 182 00:09:32,988 --> 00:09:36,618 You know, how can you not know that I need help here? 183 00:09:37,068 --> 00:09:41,838 I expected you to just intuit that when I said I was really tired, what I meant 184 00:09:41,838 --> 00:09:43,668 was, please, can you cook dinner tonight? 185 00:09:43,968 --> 00:09:47,448 You think the other person knows and is ignoring your request. 186 00:09:47,798 --> 00:09:49,448 And that's really quite hurtful, isn't it? 187 00:09:49,748 --> 00:09:52,958 Because if somebody really did know what you were asking and were ignoring 188 00:09:52,958 --> 00:09:54,488 you, well that'd be really mean? 189 00:09:54,891 --> 00:09:58,131 Nine times out of ten they don't actually know what you need. 190 00:09:58,251 --> 00:09:59,181 They're not ignoring you. 191 00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:01,138 They're often just confused. 192 00:10:01,357 --> 00:10:04,371 And then of course, if we hedge, hint and hope, deadlines are missed. 193 00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:08,707 If you ask somebody to do something, say, well, ASAP or, or if you say, yeah, I do 194 00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:11,587 need it quite soon, but I don't wanna put you out, rather than saying, actually, I 195 00:10:11,587 --> 00:10:15,547 do need this in the next 24 hours, then of course they're gonna miss the deadline, 196 00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:17,280 they didn't know they needed to hit it. 197 00:10:17,580 --> 00:10:21,090 And then people trample all over your boundaries if you are not clear. 198 00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:21,900 Why? 199 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,021 Because half the time they don't know what your boundaries are. 200 00:10:25,262 --> 00:10:29,481 Saying things like, I'd rather not do that that day 'cause it's my son's birthday. 201 00:10:29,871 --> 00:10:32,481 And then they said, well, she'd rather not, but she didn't say no, 202 00:10:32,481 --> 00:10:34,261 therefore, we'll roster her on there. 203 00:10:34,411 --> 00:10:35,911 And I'm like, that's my boundary. 204 00:10:35,911 --> 00:10:39,151 My boundary is I always are there in the evening for my son's birthday. 205 00:10:39,151 --> 00:10:40,561 Well, they didn't know that. 206 00:10:40,561 --> 00:10:43,201 If you say, actually that's a pretty non-negotiable for me. 207 00:10:43,201 --> 00:10:46,801 It's my son's birthday, I can't do it that night, much more clear now. 208 00:10:46,801 --> 00:10:51,121 They might think slightly badly of you at the time, but they will understand. 209 00:10:51,504 --> 00:10:55,099 And the problem is when you are unclear, trust is eroded. 210 00:10:55,529 --> 00:11:00,867 Because quite often people end up thinking you've said yes when you meant no. 211 00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:05,169 Then when you do eventually say no and let them down, that's terrible. 212 00:11:05,379 --> 00:11:09,639 I recently had a big birthday weekend and we invited lots of people to come 213 00:11:09,639 --> 00:11:13,989 along and immediately someone wrote back and said, actually, they can't come that 214 00:11:13,989 --> 00:11:17,529 weekend with their family, because it just seemed a bit, a bit of a bridge too far. 215 00:11:17,529 --> 00:11:21,009 It was too far away, they had other stuff on, and I was really 216 00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:22,329 pleased that they'd said that. 217 00:11:22,659 --> 00:11:26,715 Now, a couple of other families didn't email until the week before, 218 00:11:26,805 --> 00:11:28,065 after we'd booked everything. 219 00:11:28,275 --> 00:11:32,036 After we'd booked all the food and stuff, and they gave almost the same excuse, 220 00:11:32,036 --> 00:11:35,516 like, well, you know, it was just too much, our kids had camps back to back and 221 00:11:35,936 --> 00:11:40,256 that's absolutely fine, but they would've known that when the invite came out. 222 00:11:40,736 --> 00:11:43,731 But they hedged, they didn't wanna say no and let me down. 223 00:11:43,761 --> 00:11:49,131 It was far worse, only finding out a few days before, and that has eroded trust. 224 00:11:49,431 --> 00:11:54,101 And one of the most toxic things about not being clear is the assumption 225 00:11:54,251 --> 00:11:56,771 that somebody can't handle the truth. 226 00:11:57,131 --> 00:11:59,351 Now, that's incredibly patronizing, isn't it? 227 00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:01,772 I would hate to think that somebody's not being clear with me because they 228 00:12:01,772 --> 00:12:03,452 don't think I can handle the truth. 229 00:12:03,478 --> 00:12:04,977 It is patriarchal. 230 00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,947 It doesn't show any respect and what's more, it strips 231 00:12:07,947 --> 00:12:09,567 the other person of choice. 232 00:12:09,837 --> 00:12:12,027 Now, adults deserve honesty and respect. 233 00:12:12,027 --> 00:12:13,767 Well, children deserve honesty and respect. 234 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,497 Human beings deserve honesty and respect. 235 00:12:16,497 --> 00:12:20,577 And you are denying them the gift of perhaps some negative feedback, 236 00:12:20,967 --> 00:12:26,584 or you are denying them the gift of just knowing in advance rather than 237 00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:28,534 letting them down at a later date. 238 00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:32,864 In a podcast I was listening to with with Tessa White, who's the 239 00:12:32,864 --> 00:12:36,734 job doctor, she said that negative feedback is an absolute gift. 240 00:12:36,734 --> 00:12:39,194 And, and in fact, side note, if someone gives you a bit of negative 241 00:12:39,194 --> 00:12:44,264 feedback and it, it's not too bad, but it is negative, then times it by 10. 242 00:12:44,444 --> 00:12:47,264 And that is a sort of effect that your behavior is having. 243 00:12:47,631 --> 00:12:49,431 They will have hedged that negative feedback. 244 00:12:49,431 --> 00:12:51,201 They wouldn't have given it strongly enough. 245 00:12:51,201 --> 00:12:53,841 And I've often thought about that when someone has said to me, well, 246 00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:56,841 Rachel, you weren't quite so clear there, or I think you could possibly 247 00:12:56,841 --> 00:13:00,021 have listened a bit more there, I think actually that is something I 248 00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:01,456 really, really need to listen to. 249 00:13:02,112 --> 00:13:06,312 So there's times we think that we are sparing ourselves or sparing someone 250 00:13:06,312 --> 00:13:09,139 else, but the reality is much, much worse. 251 00:13:09,379 --> 00:13:13,439 And when we avoid telling people, telling people what we really think, 252 00:13:13,439 --> 00:13:16,199 we end up ghosting them 'cause it's just too difficult to do it, so we 253 00:13:16,199 --> 00:13:19,229 just ignore the emails, which is much, much worse than actually being 254 00:13:19,229 --> 00:13:21,569 direct, or we keep them hanging. 255 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,314 And when I was first starting to coach, I'd have people saying, yeah, I'd, 256 00:13:24,329 --> 00:13:27,149 I'd really like some, some coaching sessions, it sounds like it might be 257 00:13:27,149 --> 00:13:28,889 quite good, but then never get back to me. 258 00:13:29,239 --> 00:13:33,289 Which is totally fine, but I would've much preferred a no, this doesn't 259 00:13:33,289 --> 00:13:34,819 sound like something for me right now. 260 00:13:35,259 --> 00:13:40,716 So even though the norm is that most of us just hedge our bets, we hint and 261 00:13:40,716 --> 00:13:46,166 we hope 'cause we think it's protecting people, actually, it is cruel, clear. 262 00:13:46,466 --> 00:13:50,516 Is kind even if it sounds to us like it's a bit brutal. 263 00:13:50,546 --> 00:13:54,476 So Brene Brown says, clear is kind, unclear is unkind. 264 00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:58,856 Jefferson Fisher says, clarity saves relationships, and people really 265 00:13:58,856 --> 00:14:01,586 respect what you are clear about. 266 00:14:02,006 --> 00:14:06,106 And I've definitely encountered that in my own life with friends who have 267 00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:09,796 put boundaries in with me, have said no, but they've been very clear. 268 00:14:09,796 --> 00:14:13,186 And initially I might have thought all crumbs, that felt a bit jolty, 269 00:14:13,516 --> 00:14:16,606 but now I know I can trust them, that when they say yes, they mean yes, 270 00:14:16,816 --> 00:14:18,586 and when they say no, they mean no. 271 00:14:18,968 --> 00:14:22,619 So clarity doesn't mean cruelty and it doesn't mean barking orders. 272 00:14:22,619 --> 00:14:25,619 It means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. 273 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:30,239 It means setting boundaries with respect and letting your yes be 274 00:14:30,239 --> 00:14:32,704 your yes and your no, be your no. 275 00:14:33,242 --> 00:14:36,692 So we have a choice we can carry on with the three Hs. 276 00:14:36,692 --> 00:14:39,295 Hedging, hinting and hoping. 277 00:14:39,559 --> 00:14:44,089 If you keep doing this, then you are staying in that boiling pan. 278 00:14:44,239 --> 00:14:48,919 You're the frog who's being slowly boiled alive, and you keep saying yes 279 00:14:48,919 --> 00:14:53,179 when you mean no, you keep apologizing for existing, you keep writing emails 280 00:14:53,179 --> 00:14:56,449 that nobody understands or responds to, and the resentment builds. 281 00:14:56,749 --> 00:15:00,349 People keep piling things on you 'cause they just don't know the limits and you're 282 00:15:00,349 --> 00:15:02,689 just heating the water up the whole time. 283 00:15:03,205 --> 00:15:07,405 But you can start practicing clarity just in tiny, tiny ways. 284 00:15:07,885 --> 00:15:11,245 So one clear no will stop that piling up. 285 00:15:11,245 --> 00:15:16,075 One clear deadline means the work actually gets done and one honest 286 00:15:16,075 --> 00:15:20,275 conversation can prevent three weeks of this simmering resentment. 287 00:15:20,785 --> 00:15:25,195 So clarity is actually how you turn the heat down, how you un frog yourself. 288 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,164 So let's delve a little bit deeper into this. 289 00:15:27,164 --> 00:15:30,900 'cause I think there are some reasons why in healthcare we struggle with 290 00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:35,760 this even more than usual because we have these overwhelm amplifiers. 291 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:40,410 These are our real strengths that then end up acting like our kryptonite. 292 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,880 So for doctors and other healthcare professionals, we have this over 293 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:49,021 responsibility, this feeling of, well, I should be doing it anyway and, and 294 00:15:49,021 --> 00:15:51,121 my job is to pick up all the slack. 295 00:15:51,421 --> 00:15:54,421 So we end up hedging when we don't really wanna do something. 296 00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:58,051 We also have this superhero delusion that I have no limits. 297 00:15:58,111 --> 00:16:01,231 I'm strong when everyone else isn't, and I will cope somehow. 298 00:16:01,231 --> 00:16:03,421 And so I can't really say no. 299 00:16:03,451 --> 00:16:06,811 I'll just hint that I want to, but I'll end up doing it anyway. 300 00:16:07,051 --> 00:16:12,054 And we can be very, very conflict avoidant because our inner dialogue is 301 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:16,194 that we should never upset anybody, we should please everybody all the time. 302 00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:21,204 Add to that a bit of perfectionism, that if I can't say it perfectly and not upset 303 00:16:21,204 --> 00:16:22,854 them, then I'm not gonna say it at all. 304 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:27,137 But can you ever say no to someone in a completely perfect way 305 00:16:27,137 --> 00:16:28,719 that's never gonna upset anybody? 306 00:16:28,859 --> 00:16:32,459 Of course not because you are not in control of how somebody takes your no. 307 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:36,509 Just because somebody is upset or doesn't like what you've said, it doesn't 308 00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:37,919 mean it was the wrong thing to say. 309 00:16:38,362 --> 00:16:43,831 And this goes directly into our people pleasing genes, and not wanting people 310 00:16:43,831 --> 00:16:47,011 to think that we are difficult, always wanting to be the one that helps. 311 00:16:47,311 --> 00:16:50,341 And so we really fear being direct. 312 00:16:50,681 --> 00:16:55,557 So you can catch yourself whenever you say, well, I'll try, that's hedging. 313 00:16:55,637 --> 00:17:00,716 Or ASAP, that's not being clear, or I don't really mind, you probably do mind. 314 00:17:00,716 --> 00:17:02,306 If you genuinely don't mind. 315 00:17:02,726 --> 00:17:06,086 Then maybe find another phrase to use, like, I'm really, 316 00:17:06,086 --> 00:17:07,796 really not bothered either way. 317 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:12,080 And in healthcare, there are some specific assumptions that we can make about 318 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,110 people such as they can't handle it. 319 00:17:15,485 --> 00:17:19,878 And unfortunately not even that long ago in medical history, doctors used to 320 00:17:19,878 --> 00:17:24,288 protect patients from diagnoses, even life-threatening diagnoses because they 321 00:17:24,288 --> 00:17:25,848 thought the patient couldn't handle it. 322 00:17:25,848 --> 00:17:26,808 We kept them in the dark. 323 00:17:27,048 --> 00:17:28,908 That is so patronizing, isn't it? 324 00:17:29,088 --> 00:17:30,738 We would never do that nowadays. 325 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:35,688 So why are we doing it about other things with our colleagues or our families? 326 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,868 It's patronizing, it's patriarchal, and it removes their choice. 327 00:17:39,270 --> 00:17:42,297 We assume that they'll think I'm difficult. 328 00:17:42,547 --> 00:17:46,627 And the one that catches a lot of us out, I think is, it's obvious. 329 00:17:46,927 --> 00:17:50,497 We think it should be really obvious what somebody wants. 330 00:17:50,984 --> 00:17:53,054 We think people can mind read. 331 00:17:53,564 --> 00:17:59,654 Nobody can mind read, not even, or perhaps definitely not your nearest and dearest. 332 00:18:00,023 --> 00:18:03,503 And then you say to yourself, I'll protect them from the stress. 333 00:18:03,503 --> 00:18:06,653 But actually what you are doing, you're not protecting them from stress. 334 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:09,563 You're protecting yourself from discomfort. 335 00:18:09,863 --> 00:18:11,333 That's not very kind, is it? 336 00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:15,263 And I remember talking to one of my members of my team, it was 337 00:18:15,263 --> 00:18:19,943 obvious to most of us that she was in a role that she didn't enjoy. 338 00:18:20,270 --> 00:18:22,580 And as a consequence, she wasn't doing a very good job. 339 00:18:23,023 --> 00:18:27,081 And eventually, and I should have done it months before, but eventually 340 00:18:27,321 --> 00:18:31,821 I was able to say to her, it strikes me as this role isn't right for you. 341 00:18:32,181 --> 00:18:34,071 And the look of relief on her face. 342 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,151 She said, no, you are right. 343 00:18:35,151 --> 00:18:36,231 It's absolutely not. 344 00:18:36,531 --> 00:18:39,531 But she wasn't saying anything because she was wanting to protect me. 345 00:18:40,024 --> 00:18:42,881 Both of us had not been clear with each other because we were wanting 346 00:18:42,881 --> 00:18:44,381 to protect the other person. 347 00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:52,119 So the reason we do it, it is mostly out of good intent, but that very quickly goes 348 00:18:52,119 --> 00:18:56,679 into self-protection actually, rather than wanting the best for the other person. 349 00:18:57,123 --> 00:18:58,263 So what can we do about this? 350 00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:02,673 Well, here are some red flags that you can spot in your communication 351 00:19:02,699 --> 00:19:05,120 which might show that you are not being as clear as you could. 352 00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:07,700 So that phrase I've already used, I'll try. 353 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,820 Change that to either I will or I won't. 354 00:19:11,102 --> 00:19:11,672 Let your yes. 355 00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:13,352 Be your yes and your no be your no. 356 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,352 ASAP, give an absolute deadline. 357 00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:18,615 Please can I have it by Friday at 12. 358 00:19:18,965 --> 00:19:22,832 Rather than saying, I don't mind, change that to, well what I'd prefer is. 359 00:19:23,402 --> 00:19:27,082 And if you catch yourself saying Sorry, but stop and go. 360 00:19:27,130 --> 00:19:28,960 Just I can't do that right now. 361 00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:30,130 Thank you for asking. 362 00:19:30,575 --> 00:19:34,145 So when you find yourself using phrases like that to hedge, that 363 00:19:34,145 --> 00:19:38,015 is a red flag, that is a sign that your pan is heating up. 364 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:43,297 Now, one area where we are often very unclear is emails, which is odd, isn't it? 365 00:19:43,297 --> 00:19:46,387 'Cause it's written communication, you think we could be clear in an email. 366 00:19:46,715 --> 00:19:49,715 But so many times I receive an email, where I'm not clear whether 367 00:19:49,715 --> 00:19:54,485 it's a request, what they want, if I should email back or what. 368 00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:58,895 So here is a little formula I've got for some clarity in an email 369 00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:00,455 whilst keeping it friendly. 370 00:20:00,849 --> 00:20:04,299 So you start with a warm greeting, just one line. 371 00:20:04,479 --> 00:20:05,274 Hope your week's going well. 372 00:20:05,949 --> 00:20:06,999 Or how are you doing? 373 00:20:07,029 --> 00:20:09,325 Or remember something that you know about them. 374 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,515 I hope the start of school has been okay. 375 00:20:12,039 --> 00:20:14,696 Next, a clear ask using the headline first. 376 00:20:14,696 --> 00:20:18,086 So please, can you send me your slides by Friday at five? 377 00:20:18,386 --> 00:20:22,116 If you want to, you can give a short rationale so we can finalize the pack 378 00:20:22,326 --> 00:20:24,096 before the session in the evening. 379 00:20:24,396 --> 00:20:26,519 Polite close, thanks so much, Rachel. 380 00:20:26,819 --> 00:20:31,659 So warm greeting, clear, ask, short rationale, and a polite close. 381 00:20:32,202 --> 00:20:34,954 The unclear version of that would be, sorry to bother you. 382 00:20:35,254 --> 00:20:38,284 Uh, just wondering if you might be able to send me your slides as soon as possible. 383 00:20:38,464 --> 00:20:39,514 Hope that makes sense. 384 00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:39,899 Thanks a lot. 385 00:20:40,669 --> 00:20:42,169 Waffle, waffle, waffle, waffle. 386 00:20:42,289 --> 00:20:44,119 With very best wishes, Rachel. 387 00:20:44,629 --> 00:20:48,099 I will put that formula and an email clarity checklist in the 388 00:20:48,099 --> 00:20:49,749 CPD pod sheet for this week. 389 00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:53,019 But when it comes to emails, do not write pages and pages. 390 00:20:53,529 --> 00:20:56,739 Plus, it's very difficult to read tone in an email. 391 00:20:57,039 --> 00:20:58,389 And here's the thing about hedging. 392 00:20:58,419 --> 00:21:01,314 Often we hedge because we want to be kind. 393 00:21:01,314 --> 00:21:05,628 But actually you can use kindness in your tone, not in what you 394 00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:06,948 actually say, which is why email. 395 00:21:07,544 --> 00:21:10,184 It's quite difficult 'cause it's quite difficult to get the tone right in emails. 396 00:21:10,184 --> 00:21:13,484 So if you are having to write pages and pages and justify yourself, 397 00:21:13,514 --> 00:21:17,354 I would question is an email the right mode of communication for you? 398 00:21:17,731 --> 00:21:21,274 Maybe it's better to pick up the phone or leave a voice note. 399 00:21:21,658 --> 00:21:25,361 Sometimes in an attempt to soften things up, we end up hedging. 400 00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:29,400 So we might say things like, I don't want to add to your load, or I don't wanna 401 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,510 embarrass you, but, or, or, I hate to ask, but here's what you could use instead. 402 00:21:33,510 --> 00:21:35,940 So instead of, I don't want to add to your load, you could say, I 403 00:21:35,940 --> 00:21:38,490 know you are busy, so I'll be super clear about what I need right now. 404 00:21:38,759 --> 00:21:42,089 Or instead of, I don't want to embarrass you, you could say, I 405 00:21:42,089 --> 00:21:44,789 just wanted to share some feedback I thought you'd want to know. 406 00:21:45,089 --> 00:21:48,419 Or instead of, oh, I hate to ask, or I'm feeling really bad about asking, 407 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:51,569 just say, could you specific requests. 408 00:21:51,869 --> 00:21:56,519 So look out for the red flags that mean you are being unclear. 409 00:21:56,759 --> 00:22:01,435 Look out for when you are making assumptions that might just be patronizing 410 00:22:01,659 --> 00:22:04,859 or full of self delusion that you are actually protecting them when what 411 00:22:04,859 --> 00:22:06,915 you are doing is protecting yourself. 412 00:22:07,307 --> 00:22:11,717 And finally, if you want to be clear with other people, then often you 413 00:22:11,717 --> 00:22:13,757 need to be clear with yourself first. 414 00:22:14,042 --> 00:22:17,320 Often we hedge because we don't have clarity about what we really 415 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,480 want and what we really need. 416 00:22:19,780 --> 00:22:24,460 So if you find yourself hedging, hinting, and hoping, ask yourself, 417 00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:26,560 well, what do I really want here? 418 00:22:26,710 --> 00:22:29,020 What am I afraid to voice? 419 00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,600 And what would I really like to say? 420 00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:34,900 And which of the overwhelm amplifies is holding me back? 421 00:22:35,538 --> 00:22:37,128 Am I feeling like, well, I should do it? 422 00:22:37,218 --> 00:22:39,288 Am I worried about pleasing other people? 423 00:22:39,288 --> 00:22:41,598 Am I worried about conflict? 424 00:22:41,875 --> 00:22:46,195 And something I have tried when I'm not sure what to say is a 425 00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:48,415 very simple two column exercise. 426 00:22:48,415 --> 00:22:51,685 Just get a piece of paper, put a line down the middle of it, and on one side, 427 00:22:51,685 --> 00:22:57,992 say what I really want to say, like unfiltered, like no, I do not want to come 428 00:22:58,172 --> 00:23:02,132 to that play that night, i'm absolutely knackered and I'd rather boil my head. 429 00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:06,842 And on the other side, how could you say it so it lands as well 430 00:23:06,842 --> 00:23:08,492 as it could and is really clear. 431 00:23:08,492 --> 00:23:10,182 So thank you for asking. 432 00:23:10,335 --> 00:23:14,415 I'm afraid I won't be able to come to that play, hope you have a great time. 433 00:23:14,674 --> 00:23:16,594 ' Cause that's what I mean, that's what I really mean. 434 00:23:16,594 --> 00:23:19,404 I want 'em to have a good time and I really don't wanna go there. 435 00:23:19,581 --> 00:23:22,198 But I've used that two con method loads and loads, and it has 436 00:23:22,198 --> 00:23:23,578 really, really helped things. 437 00:23:24,067 --> 00:23:25,341 And you might need to partner up here. 438 00:23:25,341 --> 00:23:29,181 You might need to find a clarity buddy and just say, I need to be clear. 439 00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:31,611 What do you understand by this email? 440 00:23:31,641 --> 00:23:34,554 If I sent this to you, what would you understand by it? 441 00:23:34,903 --> 00:23:37,323 And just get some accountability with each other. 442 00:23:37,653 --> 00:23:42,813 Because clarity with yourself is the first way that you start to turn down the heat. 443 00:23:43,384 --> 00:23:48,194 So here's one thing you could try this week before you have your next 444 00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:53,804 tricky conversation, or write the next email, pause and ask yourself, 445 00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:58,724 what is the clearest, kindest way that I can say this right now? 446 00:23:59,024 --> 00:24:00,794 Check for the red flag phrases. 447 00:24:01,244 --> 00:24:03,764 If you find one, swap it for a clear alternative. 448 00:24:03,914 --> 00:24:05,054 That's all you need to do. 449 00:24:05,254 --> 00:24:08,564 And as a reminder, some of the red flag phrases I'll try, 450 00:24:08,954 --> 00:24:10,831 I don't mind, or sorry, but. 451 00:24:11,388 --> 00:24:15,078 Clarity isn't rude, it's not bossy. 452 00:24:15,588 --> 00:24:19,128 It's respect, and it's a choice, and it is kind. 453 00:24:19,548 --> 00:24:20,958 It's kindness itself. 454 00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:24,408 Every time you practice it, you are turning the heat down in your pot and 455 00:24:24,408 --> 00:24:28,471 also somebody else's pan, and that will help everybody get un-frogged.