Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage built on a rock solid foundation

that won't get worn down by the demands of life as a business owner.

I'm your host Ellen Dorian.

My mission is to build a community for married businessmen.

We explore skills and strategies to meet the unique relationship challenges of entrepreneurs.

Our personal growth tools align with your true self, so you can be extraordinary in your marriage, in your business and in all the areas of your life.

Before we jump in, this is just a reminder that the make more love show is for information and entertainment purposes only.

It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified healthcare professional.

I'd like to say a special thank you today to my coaching colleague, Simon Bowen.

He's the founder of the models method that helps people transform complex ideas into simple solutions.

I've known and been inspired by Simon for about 10 years now.

He's been insanely generous in sharing his genius with those around him.

What I'm covering today will be more understandable and more helpful to you because of his influence on me.

And speaking of models, Simon and his wife Joanne are a role model for Passionate Partnerships.

They've been together for almost 40 years and their relationship stands out as one of the strongest I've ever seen.

So thank you, Simon and Joanne for sharing so generously both your knowledge and your beautiful life together.

Today's episode follows on from last week's discussion of the Relationship Drive Matrix.

Just a quick review of that:

There are two drives that move us to enter into a relationship.

The first one is to minimize pain and increase joy.

And the second drive is to avoid isolation and find connection.

Not only do those two drives motivate us to enter into relationship, they also serve as incentives to keep us working on our relationship in the face of challenges.

Today, we're expanding on that matrix.

I'm going to walk you through a three-part model that explores the building up and breaking down of relationships, as well as the behaviors that influence those dynamics.

The first part of the model is the relationship hierarchy of needs, which describes how our personal needs get met at each stage in forming a relationship.

The second part of the model is the downward spiral of relationship decline, which shows how relationships unravel in about the reverse or in which they're built.

And the third part of the model is the 5 triggering behaviors that correspond to relationship breakdowns, so you'll be able to recognize

them and stop them to halt any decline in your Passionate Partnership.

So, my goal in this episode is to help you truly visualize relationship dynamics, whether it's in a building or declining phase, and identify any behaviors that could be having a negative impact.

I'm going to break it down into three parts so you can listen all at once or you can save it and listen to it over time.

Here's Part 1.

: The Relationship Hierarchy of Needs.

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Personal Needs?

It's a pyramid that ranks what you need to be psychologically healthy in your life.

The Relationship Hierarchy of Needs is a mirror of Maslow's Hierarchy.

It stacks up what we need in relationships, where each level takes us closer to passionate fulfillment in our love life.

So, with a picture of a pyramid in your mind, let's start at the base.

The first level is physical, mental, and emotional health.

These are the prerequisites of a strong relationship.

It's the first thing you need to get right.

And you might be thinking, wait, I know a lot of people who are not a pillar of health and they're in relationships, and sure it can be done.

But, if both of you are not physically, mentally, and emotionally solid, your relationships can fall into negative patterns like codependency and anxious attachments.

And while some relationships can tolerate more volatility, given your responsibilities as a business owner, you really don't need unnecessary distractions, right?

So if you take care of your health on all fronts, You're setting yourself up for a stable and positive connection where you can support each other the best way possible.

Let's move on to Level 2, which is Establishing Stability.

This step is key because it's where you start to see if your relationship can really give you the sense of safety and dependability that you need to be happy.

Sure, when you're first together you can't be sure what your partner will bring to the table, but as time goes on and you rack up experiences together, you'll start to figure that out.

The stability isn't really about money in the bank.

It's about knowing that your partner has your back.

This is when trust starts to grow roots, as you both show you're in it to build a rock solid base for your partnership.

The first two levels, Health and Stability support the drive of minimizing pain by making sure a most fundamental needs are checked off within this partnership that we're building.

As we progress up the pyramid level three is a transition point away from minimizing pain and toward increasing connection and finding joy.

So level three is a sense of belonging.

This is when things really start to gel giving us that mutual feeling that we are an integral part of each other's lives.

Home with your partner is a profound feeling of being where you belong, where you have a reason for being, and you can drop your mask and show your true self.

I cannot emphasize enough how big a deal this level is.

It's the Keystone for a rock solid relationship.

Keystone is the perfect metaphor for this stage.

In construction, the Keystone is the final piece in a stone structure that locks all the stones into position and allow it to bear weight.

When you get to this stage in the relationship hierarchy, That's how it should feel.

This is a good place for a gut check.

If you've been in your relationship for a while, but you don't feel that sense of belonging and acceptance, you now have a starting point to make it better.

If you'd like to brainstorm on that, find my calendar link in the show notes and let's jump on a call.

Okay.

Let's move up to the fourth level, which is affinity.

When you reach this stage in a relationship you're way past just getting along.

You forged a strong emotional core that makes everything about your relationship richer.

There's a mutual admiration, appreciation and respect.

You truly value the time you spend together and genuinely enjoy each other's company.

Now maybe you would switch the order of belonging and affinity.

But the reason I have this order is that I believe, and I have seen evidence that our relationship can work without affinity or even passion for that matter.

Some people design their relationship to be functional, and those are very solid and comfortable relationships.

But as I've said to you a few times now, What I want most in the world is for you to make more love.

And that means bringing the hot and the healthy to your marriage.

And that brings us to Level 5, the pinnacle of relationship hierarchy, and that is passion.

This is way beyond having chemistry.

It is intimate intensity, a blend of powerful sexual attraction, deep.

Emotional craving and a willingness to open up completely.

It combines all the power of being best friends and fiery lovers, and it's an unbreakable bond you'll want to stay in forever.

So we've just climbed the hierarchy from health to stability, to belonging, to affinity, and finally to passion.

Now that you know what the five levels are, where would you place your own relationship?

It's okay if you don't feel like it's a Level 5 right now.

Knowing your level today gives us a place to start to build a strategy for elevating it.

And I know this is a cliche, but it's a journey as much as a destination.

Which means nurturing each level and recognizing its unique value to the whole of your relationship.

So there you have it.

The Perfect Passionate Partnership expressed through each level in the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs.

And this is where we all live happily ever after, right?

I have some bad news, but I'm pretty sure you already know.

Life.

It's not a fairy tale.

It's full of pressures that take their toll on the strongest of relationships.

These stresses don't quit.

And if you're not paying attention, they can chip away at the quality of your bond.

And for those of us running a business, the stakes are even higher.

Considering that the divorce rate for entrepreneurs is over 60%, I bet you've witnessed at least a few of life's casualties.

But I have noticed something really interesting.

And in part two, I'm going to tell you all about it.

Okay.

We're back with part two.

And here's the big reveal.

The really interesting thing I've noticed is that relationships often unravel in roughly the reverse order in which they were built up.

Maybe that doesn't sound like important news, but actually it's great news.

And we'll get to why later.

So welcome to the Downward Spiral of Relationship Decline.

The Downward Spiral of Relationship Decline is a model of relationship dynamics that manifest is a series of five shifts corresponding to the relationship hierarchy, but in reverse.

So Number 1 is the shift from Passion to Boredom.

Most relationships start with an energy that's all about discovery and connection,

but the effects of stress can overpower the passionate energy of your relationship and boredom sets in.

The bedroom might be the most obvious place where you notice boredom, creeping in.

But in fact, it can take over every aspect of our relationship.

Just think about how many times you'd go to eat at the same restaurant . How many times you sit down to watch the same shows over and over again.

I think I've said this to you in previous episodes:

Routine is a known killer of passion!

So.

Watch out for the first shift away from passion and toward boredom.

Number 2 is a shift from Affinity to Distance.

Resentment is the behavior that corresponds to this shift.

When we have affinity, we really like each other and enjoy each other's company.

But when boredom creeps in, we can start to feel, let down and rejected by our partner.

We start to notice flaws and irritations that never registered before.

And those feelings eat away at our admiration appreciation and even our respect for each other.

And that shift from Affinity to Distance can actually metastasize into the third shift, which is from Belonging to Alienation.

When emotional distance becomes the new normal, the feeling of belonging together begins to dissolve.

You can get into a "whatever..."

frame of mind.

And over time, your relationship stops feeling like home.

Frankly, it's baffling to me that more people don't panic when this shift becomes evident.

A lot of people say, "Oh, it's natural for that stuff to wear off over time."

Seriously.

Once you've had passion and affinity in your relationship, why would anyone think that this kind of alienation of affection is natural?

The behavior that triggers this shift is resignation, and that can mean one of two things: You might actually resign from the relationship.

A lot of couples at this stage don't make it.

That's why so many relationships end within three years.

Or you might stay together, but resign yourself to living in a Loveless Limbo.

That's a state where you look married from the outside, but behind the scenes, you're really living separate lives.

And maybe even in separate bedrooms.

And this stage can go on for decades.

This is where you might say the phrase I hate more than any other phrase in the relationship lexicon.

That phrase is...

It is what it is.

Man oh man do I hate that phrase.

I think instead, you should say,

"I don't give a crap what you feel, and I'm not going to make any effort to change anything.

It's just not worth it to me."

Because that's a more honest way of saying what you mean.

Look, we all have our flashpoints.

And it is what it is, is one of mine.

So if you get to this stage and you don't actually dissolve the relationship.

Then you get to this new level of dysfunction.

And that is Number 4, the shift from Stability to Abandonment.

This is where you actively withdraw your support from your partner.

It can show up as fights about spending and money, or you might pull back on your emotional, encouragement and moral support for your partner when they're facing a challenge.

Even if it's only a subtle cutting back on the day-to-day helping each other out or doing special things for each other, your partner's going to feel like they're being left behind.

And that's not just a vague feeling of abandonment.

It's the real thing.

By the behavior of withdrawing, you are tearing down the stability and security all relationships need to survive.

And that leads us to Number 5, the shift from Health to Despair.

It's hard to even call this a decline.

This is more post apocalyptic stuff.

It's a catastrophic change where partners start causing deep distress to each other.

Sometimes even enjoying seeing your partner suffer.

At this point, you're just tormenting each other and assaulting each other's wellbeing.

Aside from the simple appallingness of this of this tormenting behavior,

there's a deeper problem.

You were most likely raised to have a code of honor.

And this behavior is in deep conflict with that.

It can cause permanent damage to your own self-worth as well as inflicting lasting harm on your partner.

I hope this last one brings you up short, especially if this is where you're at.

If you do find yourself in this stage of relationship decline, you don't have to beat yourself up anymore.

There's already been plenty of that to go around.

The honorable thing to do is to seek out professional help, halt this soul-killing slide, and find a path back to integrity whether your relationship stays intact or not.

Okay.

Let's do a quick recap before we move on.

The 5 shifts in the Spiral of Relationship Decline are from Passion to Boredom, Affinity to Distance, Belonging to Alienation, Stability to Abandonment, and Health to Despair.

Now, I've already mentioned several of the triggering behaviors that correspond to these shifts, but in part three, I'll highlight the behaviors and give you a little more detail.

But before we go there, let's take a few minutes to reflect on your own situation.

If you feel your relationship is breaking down, where would you put yourself on the spiral?

And what's one small thing you could do to just slow that decline down, even if it's just a little bit.

And even if it's just noticing what's happening.

Think about that.

And we'll be back in a minute with part three.

Welcome back to Part 3, the 5 Triggering Behaviors to watch out for.

As I mentioned in Part 2, each of the 5 shifts in the Spiral of Relationship Decline is set off by a particular behavior pattern.

The slide from Passion to Boredom is triggered by neglecting your relationship.

The slide from Affinity to Distance comes when you hold onto resentments.

The slide from Belonging to Alienation is kicked off by the behavior and attitudes of resignation.

The slide from Stability to Abandonment arises directly out of the behavior of withholding.

And the slide from Health to Despair is triggered by acts of torment, whether deliberate or not, but unchecked.

Let's take a minute to consider if any of these triggering behaviors are present in your relationship at the moment.

Let's just focus on your own behaviors, not your partner's behaviors, at least not for now.

The reason I suggest this is that I want you to know that you can get control, but the only person you can control is you, so let's focus on you.

If you can make even one small change in your behavior, I promise you're going to notice the ripple effect that that can have.

I mentioned previously that there's some good news that we were going to get to later.

So let's bring all of this together and then I'll share what's good about it.

One of the most common reasons relationship issues fester is that we can't pinpoint where things went bad.

We're much too close to the problem to see it clearly.

And as a result, when we try to fix our relationship we try everything instead of honing in on the right thing.

That leads to a lot of work, expectations, disappointments, and frustration.

But most often, no matter how hard we try, nothing truly solves the problem.

The simple reason for this is we aren't dialed into exactly where to direct our attention.

But here's the beautiful thing.

You now understand the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs.

You also know the Downward Spiral of Relationship Decline, and you can recognize the 5 Triggering Behaviors that correspond to the breakdowns.

You know, they say Knowledge is Power.

Well dude, you've got power now.

With this three-part model, you can actually triangulate the source of your relationship dynamics, whether they're building up or breaking

down, and you can recognize the behaviors that feed into those dynamics.

That gives you a precise place to direct your attention, so you can set some new intentions and start making changes that will make a difference.

So that's good, right?

And I've got some more good news.

We're designing an assessment tool that will make it even easier to pinpoint your dynamic within this model.

I'm going to be looking for a couple of people to test this assessment before we roll it out.

That's going to be happening in the next couple of weeks.

So if you'd like to be a beta tester, please reach out to me via email and I will put you on the invite list.

Wherever you find yourself in this model, you now have an opportunity to slow down, adjust your bearings and get back on course.

If you choose to re-engage and with the right support and strategies, you can remake your relationship into a stronger and more connected partnership.

Okay.

We've covered a lot and you might not have listened straight through.

So I'll do one more quick summary just to make sure you haven't missed anything.

In part one, we covered the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs from Health to Stability, to Belonging Affinity, and then Passion.

In part two, we covered the five states of relationship decline.

Which are Boredom, Distance, Alienation, Abandonment, and Despair.

And in part three, we identified the 5 Triggering Behaviors: Neglect, Resentment, Resignation, Withholding, and Torment.

In future episodes of the Make More Love show, we're going to be looking at real-world practical strategies and tactics that will totally

level up your relationship game, so I hope you'll keep listening.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about what I've covered today, as well as any topics you'd like me to cover in the future.

Please get in touch either through the P3 Insider Community on Facebook or by email.

You'll find all the links and the contact details in the show notes.

Alright.

If today's episode added value to your life, here are three quick ways to support the Make More Love show:

#1: Follow and subscribe.

That's a win for you and me.

#2: Share this podcast with a friend who might be struggling in their love life.

It could be a game changer for them.

And

#3: Leave a review to help more men like you find and join our community of Relationship Rockstars.

And here are three ways I can support you:

#1: You can visit our website and follow our social channels.

#2: Certainly join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources.

And

#3: If you'd like to explore your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset call with me.

Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track.

My calendar link is in the show notes along with everything else you need to find me, including all the links and my personal email.

I'll be here whenever you're ready.

This is Ellen and that's what I've got for you today.

Until next time remember, What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love in Your Life and with Your Wife.