Good morning, Evildoers. Time for another productive day at Global Synergy Amalgamated! This is Winifred from HR with your daily announcements, and we’ve got a lot to cover today! Well, you know what they say. No rest for the wicked.

Although rest is very important. We haven’t added all those wellness programs and nutrient-rich fungal smoothies for nuthin’. You have to invest in yourself, and that means investing in your health. So, y’know, take the “no rest” thing metaphorically. A sleep-deprived monster is a sloppy monster!

Speaking of sloppy…here I am saying we’ve got loads of ground to cover and I’m nattering about nutrition. Let’s get to it.

First, the Department for the Analysis of Unnatural Geomantic & Uncanny Readings… why are we like this? So into acronyms? Is it an evil thing? A corporate thing? In any case, our A.U.G.U.R. team is narrowing down the date for the next possible eschaton! Y’know, that’d be a big boost to morale. Y2K turned out to be a total bust, and the Mayans, well…they really let us down with that whole 2012 thing. Apocalypses don’t just grow on trees. Apocalypses. Apocalypsees? Well, no matter how you pluralize it, millions will die, and that’s what’s really important.

Unfortunately, we’ve also had a bit of a setback. Now, these things happen, and as a new, progressive evil organization, we no longer default to flaying people alive for failure. Although it’s still an option. But this one isn’t on us.

We’ve had to scrap our plan for a social network platform. If you’ll recall, we were almost ready to launch VoxMongr — and it was going to create so much evil. We’d just perfected the algorithm to throttle all constructive dialog, ban anyone engaging in nuance, and surface the worst opinions from the worst people around the globe.

Wouldn’t ya know it, we’ve been beaten to market! Some pasty asshole has purchased an existing platform and done that already.

So to the team working on that project, don’t worry, you’ll be receiving new assignments soon AND keeping all your fingers and toes. So that’s nice.

Y’know what else is nice? A walk outside. I get so caught up in my work that if it wasn’t for my pup Ceolacanth, I dunno if I’d ever get out of the lair. But going topside for a moonlit flight, or even just to stalk some unsuspecting co-eds…well, it just reminds you that there’s so much more to life and undeath than spreadsheets. Let’s take a moment here to acknowledge the Nature Conservancy. They do so much to preserve the planet so we can destroy it later in a terrible cataclysm of fire, blood, and bile.

Also, thanks to those who came forward to help us with the language of the Mole People. The fore-mole out there in Denver is incommunicado, along with everyone else. I don’t like it, and neither do the Higher Ups.

Looks like Ceolacanth and I will be heading out to Denver ourselves. I don’t like it when my people go missing. No one gets to disappear my employees but me. We may be evil, but we never leave an evildoer behind.

Fortunately I won’t have to fly commercial. Can you imagine? Oh, that’d be a hoot. “Oh yes, of course officer. I’ll just surrender this millennia old dagger made from the fang of a dead god that feasted upon the crystalline archons that sang stars to light in the void before time. Do you want me to leave that next to the confiscated shampoo?”

Right! One last thing before I let you go and head over to chat with Nikki in transportation. The Lost & Found is getting pretty ridiculous. I’m going to need some of you to come pick up your possessions. Literally in the case of no fewer than three haunted dolls. Not only that, there are enough third eye contact lens cases up here to build a fort for the kids in the daycare.

Let’s see. What else is in this pile. We’ve got a blood-drenched scroll complaining about the coffee in the break rooms. And here’s a dimensional key marked DO NOT RETURN TO OWNER — well that’s hardly useful. And this looks like…a jar of teeth? Disgusting! How long has it been since these have been brushed? C’mon, people. We’re evil, not gross.

This is ridiculous. You all need to come and pick up your things while I’m in Denver. When I come back I want everything spic and span. Cleanliness has nothing to do with godliness, but it is important to success. I don’t want to lose another filing cabinet to a semi-sentient pile of bleeding black leather gloves.

Well that’s everything for this morning. Go on out there be your worst self today! Bye-bye now!