Foreign s welcome to Fed by the Fruit, a podcast focused on nourishment for the mind, body and soul.

I'm kb, a spirit filled certified life and nutrition coach with a calling to disciple women who are hungry for more.

Each week we will learn who God is and what he wants for and from us through powerful testimonies, biblical truth, and so much more as we fuel our minds and bodies in ways that honor Him.

Let's get fed.

Hello friends.

Happy Monday.

Welcome to Fed by the Fruit.

How are we?

I hope that you're great.

I'm so happy that you're here.

Today is our first catching up, if you will, episode since Fed by the Fruit debuted and I'm so excited to be back here with you.

I haven't gotten to just share my life with you in a while and I always enjoy being able to do that.

So.

So it's been since.

Has it been since May, since we've caught up?

I. I think it has.

Generally speaking, if there's four Mondays in a month, the first Monday will be a testimony from an inspiring, incredible guest.

And then the second week will be diving into a story from the Bible.

Then the third week will be applying biblical principles principles to your everyday life.

And then the fourth week will be a little catch up with me.

So in June.

Actually, this podcast debuted the second week of June, so therefore there was no catching up in June.

We just got straight back into a powerful testimony with Betsy Guerra.

I just still am just in awe of that episode.

I got so much feedback and oh my gosh, just what an incredible story.

So I'm, I'm just so excited.

I get to just catch you up on everything that's been going on.

I actually had to look at my calendar and go back, flip back to June and ask myself, what have I been up to?

There's, it's like, it's almost like there's been so much, but there's also not been a whole lot.

Does that make any sense?

So just to, like, quick little recap the things that are still, still going on.

I'm still, I don't know why this is the first thing on my list, but I'm still trying to get these dang tattoos off of me.

So I did have my, I think fourth, fourth, I think session of tattoo removal.

So my sweet friend Becca, she has taken me every single time.

She's the best, like, support person to be with me.

I'm so grateful that she continues to do this most annoying thing with me.

But we're getting there.

It's not, they're not gone.

They're not gone.

They initially told me that some of them would take three sessions and some would take four.

And now we're going to go to five and beyond until we can just get them gone.

If you're young and you're listening and you don't have any tattoos, I just would really encourage you to not get them.

Okay.

There are other ways to express yourself and you have no idea what, who you're going to be, who God is going to just morph you into over the course of your life.

And when you're putting something on your body that is forever, it can be quite unfortunate one day when you look down and realize that you know, what you've, what you've stamped your body with no longer aligns with who you are in Christ.

And so just a word to the wise, our family is also dealing with some interesting county things.

We live on a large property here in Virginia and there are our county, I believe you can fact check this if you actually care.

But there are like so many data centers.

I believe our county has more data centers than any other county in the world.

And so these data centers require a lot of power.

And so therefore they're having to, they are making, they're adding more power lines.

They're, they're tearing down power lines and making them larger.

And there's a project happening now or upcoming that would affect our property.

Essentially the power lines, huge, like 180 foot tall power lines would cut our property literally right in half.

It would be, it would be devastating.

Jonathan worked his entire life to have to make this dream come true for his family.

And the idea of power lines 80ft over the trees dividing our property in half just feels really, really sad to us, let alone knowing what the health repercussions are to living that close to power lines.

So we've been in multiple town halls and whatnot with, with the county and with the power company and really praying over that as a family that, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't come this way, but eventually it will.

They're saying that our county will actually run out of power in two years because of all of these data centers.

So it's an interesting conundrum that Prince William county has gotten themselves into and it'll be interesting to see how the they get out of it.

You know, it's all about money.

And sadly there are so many people that will be affected.

And you know, some people, there are people who on other.

If the route were to go Another way, because there's like a preferred route and then there's three alternate routes.

Our property is one of the alternate routes.

But there are people who would literally whose homes would be torn down to add these power lines.

So just a lot of heartache for a lot of people.

And so that's something Jonathan and I have been, you know, dealing with and praying over.

I'm still taking nutrition clients.

I actually was looking, you know, at my social media the other day, thinking no one would hire me based on my social media because it's just not a priority to me to make my social media all about nutrition and run it like a business.

And so I'm just so grateful for the clients I have and the word of mouth referrals.

I feel so blessed to get the exact people that I work with.

I think that God absolutely has a hand in bringing me the exact people who need the exact thing that I offer.

And, you know, it's a lot like this podcast.

I pray that God would bring me the guests and I pray that God would bring the listeners who need to hear, you know, exactly whatever the topic may be.

And I feel like it's the same with nutrition.

I feel just so blessed to get to work with these amazing women that I'm working with now.

And they keep, I mean, God bless them, they keep sharing, you know, my name and my information and it leads to more clients.

And I'm just so grateful for that part of my life.

It's not the main thing, but it is, it is a thing and I enjoy it so much.

And I have such a passion for health and fitness as, you know, and nutrition.

So I feel really lucky that I still get to do that.

June was a lot of family.

Ashley and I went to Iowa the first week in June and we spent 10 days there, there, which was absolutely wonderful.

Just always so enjoy the time being there with my friends and my family.

I'm so grateful to all the people that just take time to spend time with us.

You know, driving into my little into Strawberry to.

To be with us, taking off work to pick us up from the airport and, you know, take us on fun little outings and just, just sharing their time and being so.

Being so grateful that we're there.

It just feels so good.

Just cookouts and, you know, it was.

It's just fills me up so much to be there for the little Strawberry Days town celebration.

That's always like a highlight of our time.

We always try to plan our trip around that weekend because it's like everyone just Descends upon the town, and it's just the most fun time to be there.

There's a parade, and I just feel so grateful to be from the Midwest and to be from that specific little town.

And I love to have grown up there, and it's so fun to go back and visit.

So, you know, getting to spend time with my kids is number one top priority.

I got to spend tons of time with Brittany and just we talk so much, and I love her to pieces and I feel so, again, blessed and lucky and grateful and all the things to get to have her in my life.

She won't like that.

I said lucky, but it blessed.

Totally blessed.

Got to do a little.

A little glow up on Caleb's house, which was really fun with my sister.

We went and did some shopping and just made his house feel a little warmer and a little more lived in.

And that was just a highlight of my trip.

I got to have coffee on Caleb's front porch one morning with Stellen and Brittany and Caleb, and we did some workouts together.

And, you know, I just.

I just feel really grateful that I still have my mom and my dad and my grandma and just the best of friends.

And so that was wonderful.

That was such a great time.

Then just a week after Ashley and I came back, my mom and dad and my nephew came here for two weeks.

So that was amazing as well.

Just to look out the window in the morning and see my mom and my dad sitting in the chairs, you know, just overlooking the pool in the pond, and just having them there or having them here is just.

It's just something I don't take for granted.

I know that I won't have that for my whole life.

And so I just, you know, I just say a lot of prayers of gratitude that I still have my mom and my dad and that they every year take the time to spend time here.

And that Asher, despite living far away from them, gets to have a really close relationship with them.

My mom is the ultimate mvp.

She plays hide and seek in the dark, and they scare the daylights out of my mom.

You just hear horrific screaming from the basement because these kids are terrorizing her down there.

And she.

She just keeps showing up, man.

It's like.

I'm like, you are a better woman than me because there is no way I would be playing with those kids in the dark.

But she does it and she loves it, and they love it, and they love her.

We had a cookout with Jonathan's family.

My dad did a lot of grilling, and it's just so nice.

You know, we didn't, we didn't do a lot, but just we all here together and that's just so special, you know, I know that those times won't last forever.

So what else?

I've been, I've been struggling with some migraines, so we're going to try to get to the bottom of that.

They typically are exercise induced.

It seems like when I have a sustained high heart rate, like over any amount of time, I end up within an hour having, you know, a migraine with aura, which is just the visual symptoms.

And it's really debilitating.

And it's really just a bummer because I feel really capable.

I feel good in the gym.

I feel like I have room to push and I feel just defeated when, you know, that shows up.

And so I would really love to get to the bottom of it.

I can't help but continue to feel like I just have like a circulation problem.

I mean, with the veins on my left leg and now just like these overwhelming headaches.

The blue lips.

I was getting a pedicure the other day and my, the girl's like, why are your feet blue?

And I'm like, yeah, girl, we don't know.

So, you know, if you don't mind sending up a few prayers that we can get to the bottom of this and figure it out.

The, the medicine that I was prescribed a year ago, before, the heart stuff, all of the side effects of that medicine are heart related.

And so I just refuse to take that.

And so it's kind of just one of those things where I have to lay down and power through and it's.

It's not fun.

It's hard to power through a migraine.

There's just not a whole lot you can do.

Your day is shot and, you know, just very discouraging as I feel just so good in my body and so strong and so back.

But there are still places, still areas where I have to put the brakes on.

And that's hard.

So hopefully August 26th, you know, nothing's quick, but I have an appointment August 26th with a doctor that I was hoping to get into.

And I just really struggle too with not being looked at whole holistically.

You know, that's something you hear a lot.

Like we have all these specialties which are so important, but I feel like something is going on with more than just my heart and more than just my brain.

Like I'm still getting these stroke symptoms.

So the last one, Jonathan witnessed it, I was trying to Talk to him.

And it was the scariest thing.

I came home from the gym, I got the aura.

I looked at the tv.

There was a.

There was an alert on the tv, like a weather alert.

And so I looked at it and I could not read the words.

And I, like, shut my eyes really tight and I looked again and I was like, read it, Kristen.

And I could not read it.

And I was like, whoa, that is really scary.

I just laid my head down on the counter and he walked out.

And I wanted to tell him what happened.

I was like, baby, something scary just happened.

And as I tried to explain it, my words just made no sense.

I could not get.

I couldn't speak.

Speak.

So now I know that I can't read, I can't write, and I can't speak during those episodes.

And so anyway, just if you wouldn't mind sending up some prayers that we can get to the bottom of all of this and that maybe I could find a person that could just look at all of my symptoms from a holistic perspective and we could get to the bottom of, you know, everything that's going on.

Not just like, oh, here's a migraine med, and then here's this.

And then, you know, there's all these perimenopause random symptoms that pop up, too.

And migraines can be a part of that.

So, you know, God's got a plan and we'll figure it out.

But August 26th, I got my, you know, I got my hopes up that we can get something figured out and I can get back into the gym the way I want to be in the gym.

And don't fear, because I still, I figured a workaround.

I'm doing a lot more bodybuilding type of workouts now.

And when I do participate in an actual a conditioning piece at CrossFit, I keep a real close eye on my heart rate.

And typically I'm doing partner workouts.

There's a little more rest involved.

And that seems to have worked for now.

So always figuring out a workaround so that I can still get my.

My exercise on because it just brings me so much joy.

It makes me feel so good.

I did have.

In other news, I did have a scare at the gym last week.

It actually started before I even was working out.

I got to the gym fairly early and I went for a walk and I just started not feeling good.

I had severe abdominal pain.

And there is a type of aneurysm that can happen.

It's a descending aortic aneurysm.

An Abdominal aneurysm.

And when I had reached out to one of the doctors about the headaches, what the nurse said was, well, if you had an aneurysm on your heart, you could also have an aneurysm in your brain.

And so, lovely news to hear, right?

And so I was feeling a little panicky knowing that you can have that abdominal aneurysm.

And so I just.

I kind of continued on.

I was just doing a light workout that day, just some shoulder stuff, and it just got excruciating.

I was in so much pain, and I was leaning over the rack of dumbbells and I prayed.

I was like, God, please just take this away.

And when I did that, it is the weirdest thing.

I got the worst pain.

Like, it got exponentially worse.

And then it went away.

It was just gone, completely gone.

And I was like, oh, my gosh, that's so bizarre.

And I kind of finished up what I was doing, and then I put it into my trusty Chat GPT and it said.

I was trying to find it.

I was scrolling here, but it said, essentially, this could be an extra extreme cardiac event based on your.

Because that's the beautiful thing about Chat GPT.

It does look at me holistically.

So it's like, based on your past of this, this, and this, you need to go immediately to an emergency room.

Like, I.

Please don't ignore this.

And I just got in the car and I was reading that and thinking, no, I don't want to go, called Jonathan.

I was a little teary.

I read him what it said, and he said, you know, you.

You just don't have the luxury of not going anymore.

And so I went.

And it is frustrating, and I hate the idea of having, you know, more radiation built up in my body from all of the testing and the.

The CT scans and the things.

And they did that, and they did the testing and did some blood work, and everything came back okay.

And I was just really grateful to read the words, you know, on the paper describing everything, looking perfect with my heart.

And so I just looked at it like, okay, well, this is a.

This is a true blessing, because, you know, if I've had any worry that.

That things aren't right or have any chest pain or whatever, now I can just have some peace of mind around that.

I did experience some chest pain later that evening.

And I just thought, man, I'm so grateful that I went, because if I hadn't and I was experiencing this, like, I probably would have ended up there in the middle of the night.

So I am no longer a person who has the luxury of not getting checked out.

And so I did.

Now, the next part of that is that like two days later I got a message in my chart.

It just popped up, actually, while I was reading my Bible in the morning.

And it said that there were some abnormal findings with my ECG and that it was very different when compared to the ECG from January.

And that felt scary to read that.

And I just thought, well, this is why I went like, now we know and now we can address it.

And so I will see my cardiologist this week and we'll talk about all the things before.

For now, I'm absolutely fine and I'm believing God that he has this all figured out and it's nothing I need to worry about.

So again, if you don't mind, throw up a few pray prayers for that appointment that's on the 31st of July.

So.

And I plan to discuss the migraine things and the circulation issues with him as well, and hope that, you know, we can come to some kind of conclusion and some kind of plan to get this all figured out.

Because I'm, I'm just much too healthy and I'm much too young and I got things left to do in this life.

One of the things I have left to do is go to Texas with my husband.

So as you're listening, I will have gotten home yesterday.

So as I record this, it is Tuesday and we leave Thursday to go to Texas for a little birthday trip.

So I'm really looking forward to that.

I will never stop preaching the importance of spending time with your spouse, away from home, away from kids.

It could be a staycation, it could be, it could be very simple or it could be very elaborate.

But we are never better than when we go spend just, you know, like prioritize time with one another.

So it's random.

I, I follow this influencer, I guess.

And she had talked about this little.

Actually, I don't know how big it is.

What am I talking about?

This Texas town.

And I was like, wow, I've never heard of that place.

And then I, she, she posted a few things like, this is where we ate, this is where we stayed.

And I screenshotted it.

I don't know why we weren't even talking about a trip at this point.

But then we did start talking about a trip and I asked chat GPT, which if I, I mean, I hate.

I don't know, maybe I shouldn't advocate for, for AI, but it does kind of cool things.

So I said, knowing what you know about me, knowing that I love to do this, this, this and this.

I have three nights to get away, anywhere in the U.S. where should I go?

And it popped up with five places.

And the third one was this town in Texas that neither of us had ever heard of.

So I was like, the Lord speaks and this is where we must go.

And Jonathan was excited about it.

And so I just booked the trip and so maybe at the end of August I can come back and share with you how that was.

But I'm really hoping that it was wonderful and, and that's that.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Asher is struggling a little.

He just really does not like for us to be away.

But I know that he'll be okay.

It's just a couple days and my mother in law is going to come stay with him and I've got friends coming over to play with him and, and doing my best to mitigate any, you know, fear and anxiety that he's having about us leaving.

So moving on from that.

So Today is my 44th birthday.

It's a day I certainly wasn't promised in a day I wasn't certain I would see.

But God, he wasn't done with me.

And I can't help but believe that part of what he had left for me to do was this, this podcast, this right here.

I'm so grateful that my life was spared and I want to please the Lord with how I live out the rest of my days.

I long to share the gospel and the life you can have on the other end of accepting the free gift of eternal life.

Choosing Jesus isn't just about heaven, although that's the ultimate reward.

It's about the fruit that's developed in a person's life after becoming a Christian, a true devoted follower of Christ.

If there's no fruit, you would have to question, am I really saved?

Is the fruit developing in your life after you've made this huge declaration, this, this acceptance of this gift of eternal life.

So today, every day, really, I'm taking a deeper look at the fruit in my own life, where it's developing well and where I still have work to do.

And one such place that I still have work to do is with food and my body.

Quite unfortunately, that is just something that I believe wholeheartedly that I can, I can conquer.

I just haven't yet.

I go through, really, I go through months and months of being really, really good and then, and then triggers happen and then, and then just Things come up for me.

So I'm going to share some of the things that have gone on and where I think a lot of this is coming from.

But I also want to share with you that I'm not doing anything unhealthy as far as, like, not taking good care of my body.

I'm eating.

I'm eating definitely more than I was now.

And I'm not restricting, I'm not binging, I'm not well, okay, maybe I'm doing a little more than I should as far as.

Well, we'll get into that.

But I'm still very healthy.

I'm eating more now, so that's a good thing.

And it's more so just the mindset around it.

It's not really that I'm.

I'm specifically doing anything.

It's that I live with this constant fear of, gosh, this is hard to share because it just sounds so crazy when I say it out loud.

It makes so much sense in my own mind, but I live in constant fear.

Fear of if I eat this thing that's outside of the plan or if I like.

For instance, this trip is triggering me because it's going to be about five days of.

Because we also have plans today.

As you listen, I have birthday plans.

So even though I'm home from my trip, we also have dinner plans.

And so it's several days of being out of my routine.

And even though I've collected evidence over years and years that I do just fine on a trip, I.

We move a ton because that's what we enjoy.

And I. I indulge in foods that I wouldn't have at home, but that's what I'm supposed to do.

And I make choices that feel good.

I prioritize protein.

I prioritize sleep.

I prioritize movement.

So I do all the right things.

And so there is truly nothing to fear.

But there is just a disconnect in my brain between what my thoughts are and what I know to be true.

So I just want to share with you kind of what happened and how slippery of a slope an eating disorder can be.

So back in.

Gosh, I want to say back in October, right before the car accident maybe, or even September, I hired a coach, a new coach.

And typically I love working with a coach.

Like, I love learning from other coaches and how they approach different things and body recomps and like, I. I just have a passion for this stuff.

I love it.

I think coaches need coaches, and I think it's invaluable to my Own clients, what I'm learning from other people, and just my own life experience.

So I hired this coach and it was going, you know, well, but then the car accident happened and I was put on complete restrictions from exercise for the most part.

10 pounds was my weight limit.

And 140 heart rate, which is nothing for me.

Like, I can get that.

I don't know, doing nothing, basically, especially before my surgery when my heart rate was exponentially higher.

So hire these coach.

Well, this coach.

And he, you know, I was like expressing like, man, I'm not going to be able to work out, so what do we need to do with my food?

And so dropped me pretty, maybe dramatic's not the word, but dropped me to a lower calorie goal than I've had in a long time.

And because of the just me being me, I stuck 100% to this, this calorie goal, these specific macros.

And I did well.

I did, you know, I did fine.

And over the course of my surgery, I would lose about 12ish, 12 pounds.

Now, some of that, a lot of it was before it was because I was in this calorie deficit.

I continued just walking.

That's all I was really allowed to do.

So by the time surgery came around, I was.

Yeah.

So really just like in a month and a half or so, I lost like £12.

So I was in a pretty steep deficit for me.

And then of course, having surgery, I, I lost.

I didn't eat for like four days, like, not anything.

And so I lost a few more pounds, you know, while I was having surgery.

Well, so therefore I was like the smallest, even in the depths of my eating disorder back in like 20, 19, 2020, I was a couple of pounds less at this point than I was back then in the depths of my eating disorder.

So I was smaller.

So I happened.

I checked in with my coach after my surgery, like literally two days later.

I did pictures, I checked in, I weighed in, and I was like, okay, like, what's the plan for now?

Like, healing?

Like, my watch was telling me I was burning like 2400 calories a day because imagine how much work your body is doing to recover and repair and heal.

And so I think I stayed at those, I stayed at those calories, those low calories, and I, you know, white knuckled through it and white knuckled through it, and I.

And I gained like two pounds.

I know this is very specific and probably a long story, but I still was.

So once I gained that two pounds, I was the weight of the depths of my eating disorder, okay?

And this coach switched me over to work with his wife.

So his wife was taking on all of the female clients, which I was fine, I don't care.

So I did a check in.

This is maybe a couple weeks after surgery, maybe a month after surgery.

And she said how I needed to lose eight pounds.

And in the check in, it was a voice memo.

And she, she kept saying, it's necessary to lose £8.

And I just thought, man, she's looking at my pictures and she's looking at me the way I look right now, and she says it is necessary for me to lose eight pounds.

And I remember just being first of all, like flabbergasted.

And then all my alarm bells and whistles were going off.

Like, you have been in such a deficit, you've been trying so hard to adhere and there is no way you can lose eight more pounds.

I had self preservation in that moment of like, no, we can, you cannot do this.

And so I expressed that, like, there's just no way I can lose eight more pounds.

Like, I felt like I've never been more unhealthy than I am right now, similar to when I was in the depths of my eating disorder.

And I never got more compliments right?

Like, I've never been more unhealthy and miserable.

And yet when you're small, people notice and they like it.

And that will mess, mess with a gal's head, let's just say.

So I continued on, but I became, it became nearly impossible for me to adhere.

And I've never had an adherence problem.

I'm very disciplined and I will stick to what someone tells me to do.

And I just couldn't.

And I would start taking bites of this and tastes of that and like things that I'd never done before.

And I felt shame around that.

Like, why can't you be disciplined?

Like, you're losing, like you're, this is your thing.

And so I would speak negatively to myself and I'd be so upset with myself.

So instead of losing eight pounds, I'm now steadily, the scale is going up.

And I had been getting on the scale every single morning without fail, every day.

And if you have a healthy relationship with food in your body, I think something to be said about being able to see how the numbers fluctuate so that you can actually be real and see that like, oh, that's not body fat.

That's water weight.

That's inflammation.

That's.

That was from a hard workout yesterday.

I did a super heavy Leg day.

Of course I weigh two more pounds today.

I've got inflammation on my body.

I'm holding onto water.

Maybe you ate later last night and you can be like, oh, look at this.

So this is what happens when I eat at a restaurant.

All that sodium and I ate two hours later than normal.

It makes makes sense that I weigh three more pounds this morning.

That's not body fat.

There's nothing to worry about.

But someone like me, I just become obsessed with the number.

So again, instead of going down, losing this necessary, this very necessary 8 pounds, the scale is going up, which makes complete sense because I wasn't supposed to be that small.

My body was needing to heal and recover and it needed nourishment.

And so I just got to a point where I couldn't adhere anymore.

And that really started to pick apart my identity, which again, I should not be finding my identity here.

And this is where, you know, I continue to need development.

And just to be asking myself, like, you know, lately I've been feeling kind of far from God again.

And you got to ask yourself, when you're feeling far from God, like, is there sin in your life that you need to take care of and this is mine.

And so just kind of moving on from that.

So, so June comes around and it is the end of my six months of coaching with these specific coaches.

And mind you, I have checked in every single week for six months.

I have done every single workout.

I have, you know, logged every single bite of food, I have drank every drink of water.

I have walked.

I have, I am.

No one walked more steps than me.

Like I was so on, on it, like on it.

So I, they were asking, she was asking me like, do you want to continue on with us or do you think, you know, are you going to go it alone?

And I was like, look, you know, I think I'm going to go it alone for a while and see how it goes.

And her response, literally, like, if you saw me posting these pictures, like a picture of myself crying, which is so cringe back in June, this is what was going on.

So I got my, like one of my final check ins.

Like I never checked in again because it was a few weeks before the end of being with them.

But this was just like the last straw for me.

So she basically said I didn't get a good result, that I was uncoachable.

I put no effort into my workouts.

I didn't respond to my check ins.

Just like, was like she could have put a dagger in my heart and it would have felt better because I. I am so.

I am so.

If.

If.

If her response to me had been, we are so glad we got to work with you.

You went through such an, you know, such a difficult time, and you still managed to show up.

You hit your macros every day, you drank your water, you stepped yourself steps, you did your workouts.

Like, you were incredibly disciplined.

And we're so grateful we got to work with you.

I would have believed that.

So to get this.

This uncoachable.

Not putting any effort into my workouts at this point, I was back to, like, fully.

I was progressive overload.

I was working out six days a week.

I was just, like.

I was just floored at the response and broke my heart.

It really did, because I pride myself and on.

And I shouldn't, but I do.

And this is something I have to, like, break down.

God has to.

Is just working on all of this in me.

But I was so hurt.

I was so hurt by it.

And then I was so frustrated with myself for being hurt by it.

But.

So this happened at the beginning of June, and then Ashley and I went to Iowa, where it's family and food and celebrations and all these things, right?

There's just lots of food.

There's mom's home cooking, and there's, you know, there's pizza from everywhere, and there's.

We're grilling out for birthday parties, and there's cake, and there's this.

And there's just treats all the time.

And then.

And then following that up with my mom and dad coming out here for two weeks, and my mom, God bless her, she, like, she and my dad made every meal absolutely amazing.

So good.

Some of my favorite things from childhood.

But internally, I'm struggling because now we're at basically four weeks of me, like, eating things that I normally wouldn't and not sticking to my plan.

Like, I.

Like I should quote, unquote, should, right?

I should just be able to enjoy food normally.

And then as I'm telling you this as well, the scale is continuing to just go up like.

Like all the time.

Like just, oh, half pound, half pound, half a pound.

And it's okay.

The number is fine.

But in my head it's not.

Because small is good and more is not.

So mind you, I was in Iowa.

There's also this.

That this is something I haven't shared, and I didn't know if I was comfortable sharing it.

I still don't.

But I had a best friend since I was 18 years old.

And for years, the friendship has been on a downhill trajectory.

There was very little communication outside of when I would be home.

Very.

It felt like a very one sided friendship, you know, just zero communication through my heart stuff.

And that's when I really kind of knew like this friendship is, this is not a friendship.

So I happened to see her at, in, in Strawberry, at Strawberry Days because it's a tiny little town and you see everyone.

And normally we would have watched the parade together and our kids would have, you know, we would have all sat together and she would have been over multiple times and we would have been on walks together and being, you know, enjoying coffee together and you know, I just never heard from her.

I never saw her.

But then, but then I did see her and I was so uncomfortable because neither of us acknowledged the other's presence.

I was so uncomfortable.

I was sitting at a table under a tent with my family eating lunch after the parade and she and her family were at the table, literally the next table over.

And we didn't make eye contact.

We just pretended like the other wasn't a person.

And it made me so sad.

I literally asked my dad, I said, take me home right now, will you please take me home?

And he left his lunch and brought me back to the house and then went back up there.

I just, I was so uncomfortable and so like, it just felt like this rejection and then, you know, the rejection I felt or the insecurity I felt over, over that interaction with my coach and then, and then just being around all of this food and I just became, became so, just out of control and then the scales going up and it was just this recipe for disaster.

I went for a walk with my true best friend, I guess you could say that same weekend.

And she is a mutual friend with my former best friend.

And she reached out to her and just said, what is the deal?

And she said, I just feel like this is for the better and it's just hurtful.

Without a conversation or without, you know, just a, I don't know, without, without just resolution or just a closing of the door.

It just like slammed in my face.

And again, it wasn't a good friendship, but it's still someone that's been part of your life for the last 20 something years and they just throw you away.

You're invaluable to them.

And then when I have these thoughts about my body that it's not good enough and that I'm not strong enough, I'm not disciplined enough, and then I, I'm around all this food and it was Just a recipe for disaster for me.

So just a perfect storm, really, to trigger these old thought patterns and then send me on this negative spiral.

And so my poor husband is constantly dealing with me talking about it.

And the beautiful thing is that I won't restrict anymore.

So it's like I eat how much I'm supposed to eat every day, which is actually more.

So I've gone up in calories to an appropriate number of calories since, you know, being done with the last coaches.

And, I mean, I wish them nothing but the best.

I just.

I guess just we were not on this.

We had different goals for me.

Their goal for me was different than my goal for me.

I just want to be healthy and feel really good and feel really strong and live a really long time and.

And like, how I look and, like, how I feel.

And they, I guess, wanted something different for me, so just not on the same page.

And again, God bless them.

I wish nothing but good things for them, but just they're not for me.

And I was extremely hurt by that interaction.

But so I've been over here struggling a little.

So, again, I don't restrict.

I still eat all my food.

So therefore, if I, like, quote, unquote, screw up, it's that I ate too much.

So then I panic, and I think, again, I. I live in this constant fear that if I eat this thing or I have this meal or I have these days away, that somehow it'll just all go away.

And I know that that, logically speaking, that's not true.

I hope you're not completely bored with my story.

I'm sure there's one person out there who can relate to what I'm saying.

I know that so many people struggle, and I know that because the people that God brings me to, you know, to coach and to walk through this journey with, also struggle with it.

And I can absolutely empathize, and I can absolutely, you know, understand what they're going through and hopefully, you know, walk them down the same road I've been on and let them know that it's not linear.

It's kind of like weight loss.

Unfortunately, if you're someone who needs to lose weight, it doesn't happen just.

Just straight down.

It's like we go down, and then we go up, and then we go down, and then we go up.

And as long as you're doing, you know, better over time, if it's weight loss we're talking about, as long as it's overall going down and with recovery, as long as you're Mostly good.

You know, you're gonna have some speed bumps, but it's okay as long as you get straight back on track and you don't allow these things to become, you know, long term again or extremely unhealthy.

But I was noticing, like, in Iowa, I went from walking 12,000 steps a day to walking 16,000 steps a day, because I thought, oh, I can mitigate these few extra calories that I'm eating by doing more and doing more.

And then you get to a point where it's just like, you can't do more.

Like I can't do anymore.

And the scale's still going up.

And again, that's okay.

My body knows what to do.

It's.

It's okay.

So again, I. I've just been riding this roller coaster recently, and hopefully, as you listen today, I will be feeling really good about the time we spent on vacation, and I will have enjoyed listen, this hotel that we're staying at, one of their main pictures is of cinnamon rolls.

And you can bet your bottom dollar I'm gonna be eating those cinnamon rolls.

I'm not going to do it in a way where it's a bingy way, but I'm going to enjoy the cinnamon rolls.

I'm also going to probably have some prot.

Cinnamon rolls, and I'm gonna move my body and do all the things that I know are right.

And then the key to what I've recently done is I put the scale away.

And, you know, I just was realizing it is literally just this number that bothers me.

I don't feel badly in my skin.

I don't look at myself and think I look horrible.

It's literally just this arbitrary number.

My relationship to, like, gravity.

And it's so silly to let that define my worth or define whether or not I'm gonna have a good day or whether I'm good or whether I'm not good.

And I'm.

I'm.

I'm done with that.

And so, you know, no more scale, because the scale ruins my day.

And why would I allow something like that to have any effect on how I feel about myself or how, you know, how I spend my day or what I nourish my body with.

So we'll see how I do with that.

I'm hoping that that can be a thing of the past.

It was just like, God just was like, get rid of the scale.

And I did.

So I feel good about that for now.

But I want to share something I saw on Instagram today, and I thought that it really kind of went along with all the things I've been feeling.

You don't have to be fully healed to be faithful.

God works with the limping and the willing.

Stop waiting to be all better before you begin.

Healing isn't a prerequisite for purpose.

Your scars don't cancel your calling.

You don't have to sit out of love, dreams, or destiny just because you're still tending to wounds.

God knew the cracks, and still he called you.

Healing is not a destination.

It's a daily walk with a gentle God who's not in a hurry to fix you, but faithful to walk with you.

Second Corinthians 12, 9 says, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.

You're allowed to be healing and still walk in power.

You're allowed to be healing and still speak truth.

You're allowed to be healing and still go after the dream.

You don't have to be fully healed to be faithful.

Healing is not proof you're ready.

Obedience is.

I thought that was lovely.

As I struggle sometimes with, like, my calling, and look, I'm doing these things, and yet I'm still struggling.

But you know what?

I'm gonna always be a work in progress, and God's always going to be developing that fruit in my life, and I'm going to use my gifts and the struggles that I've gotten to the other side of to continue to help others, whether that be through this podcast or through nutrition or just friendship and just loving on others, you know, so God doesn't call the qualified.

He qualifies the called.

So, lastly, I'm reading this book called Breaking Free From Body Shame.

Dare to Reclaim what God has Named Good.

It's by Jess Connelly.

I'll be honest, I don't.

I don't love it, but I'm definitely gleaning some good things, like, out of it.

And she says, the truest thing about you is you are made and loved by God.

And the truest thing about him is that he cannot make bad things.

So I thought that was a beautiful way to just wrap up the story about how I've been feeling and the struggle that I've been, you know, just working my way through.

And the.

The biggest gratitude I have is that I'm able to recognize it and kind of just stop it in its tracks.

I'm not going to allow this to get away from me like it did in my past.

I'm.

I've come much too far to allow something like that to, you know, take me back down to a dark place.

So I'm, I'm doing the things and I'm working with someone and I've got my mind right.

I'm going to enjoy our time together and I'm not going to step on that scale.

And I'm also not going to let you know, I'm going to use what happened with my previous coach to just be stronger and not allow someone to have that much power over me.

In those couple of days, I felt defined by what she said about me.

And the truth is so opposite of that.

So I'm going to leave you there.

I. I enjoyed catching up with you.

I hope you enjoyed catching up with me.

Oh, I know the one big thing I didn't say that I said I was going to share.

And that is something really exciting that's underway that we're, myself and Brittany are going to be sharing with you and something we're so excited about and something that was just God ordained and totally his idea and I can't wait to see what happens.

But I want, I want to share this with you, with her.

So I'll get her back on here when we're ready to debut what we're doing.

So please look forward to that.

And yeah, I'm just so excited and so blessed to be able to do it with her.

And that God just put it on my heart.

He.

He has the best ideas.

So as we close out the month of July, our memory verse again is Romans 8:28.

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Thank you for being here.

Please.

If you have not yet subscribed to my newsletter, I would love for you to get that in your inbox once a month.

I'm not going to spam you, I promise.

But you know, it's just something part of what I feel called to do with this podcast and I would love to have you on there.

So thank you for listening.

Thank you for loving me through every phase of this life that I've, that I've just.

You've come along for the ride with me on.

I'm so grateful that you're here.

I hope that you have the best week.

Happy birthday to me.

Praise the Lord, I get to see another year.

And praise the Lord, I get to see you right here next Monday later.

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Edbythefruit.

I'd love to connect with you there.

And most importantly, I'll see you right here next week.

Come hungry, get fed.

Sam.