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How to Speak Effectively:

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Influence,

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Engage,

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& Charm (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 29)

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Written by

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Patrick King,  narrated by russell newton.

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In the chapter that follows,

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we’re going to look closely at

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exactly what makes communication

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effective ...and what makes it

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miscommunication.

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We’ll consider the importance of

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understanding the other person’s

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frame of reference,

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how to frame your own position,

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what “chunking” is and how to use

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it,

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and how to adjust your mindset so you

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become a conscious,

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clean communicator.

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But first,

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what is miscommunication?

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Have you ever been speaking with

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someone,

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feeling as though you are “reaching

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them,” when all of a sudden,

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they say something that lets you know

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that you are both on completely

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different wavelengths?

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It can be a disorienting and

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frustrating experience,

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but miscommunication happens for a

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reason—and it can be avoided.

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Poor communication arises as a result

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of a mismatch of perspectives,

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approach,

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or conversational skill.

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Being an effective communicator means

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appreciating that the complicated

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process of communication doesn’t

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happen by accident.

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To avoid misunderstandings you need to

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consciously and actively take charge of

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the process—and this is especially

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true when your message is subtle,

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nuanced,

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or very abstract.

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If you examine any moment of

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miscommunication clearly,

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you’ll see that understanding breaks

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down for a few reasons -

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•One or both of you has failed to

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understand how the other is viewing

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things.

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•Faulty assumptions have been made,

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or someone has jumped to conclusions.

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In 1974,

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business professor Chris Argyris

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created a handy tool for better

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communication,

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which he called "the ladder of

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inference" (sometimes called "the

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ladder of inquiry").

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The ladder is a metaphor for the way

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people think whenever they are given

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new information.

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It’s about how new data and

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information is processed.

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What’s useful about his metaphor is

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that it reminds us in a simple way that

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different people tend to process

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information in different ways.

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If we are unaware that this is

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happening,

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we can talk at cross-purposes—and

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miscommunication arises.

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Before we look at the ladder,

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let’s consider an example.

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Imagine a couple working together on a

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household budget.

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Jamie is looking back at the past six

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months and trying to find out where

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they overspent and why.

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Alex is looking ahead to the next six

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months and trying to figure out what

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kind of summer vacation they can afford.

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They end up having an enormous

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argument,

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with Jamie thinking that Alex is not

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taking money concerns seriously,

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or taking responsibility for

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overspending,

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whereas Alex cannot see why Jamie is

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stuck on what is in the past and cannot

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be changed.

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They both find themselves saying

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“I’m just trying to get a handle on

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our financial situation!” and yet

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mysteriously they also both feel that

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the other one is getting in the way.

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What’s happened here?

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According to Argyris,

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communication has broken down,

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and it’s because Jamie and Alex are

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on different rungs of the ladder of

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inference.

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If you’ve ever experienced a

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communication breakdown of this kind,

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you’ll know that it can be very

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subtle and hard to pinpoint.

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Often,

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we are only actually aware of our

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assumptions,

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expectations,

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and frames of reference when they

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conflict with someone else’s!

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But this is where the ladder comes in.

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It looks as follows.

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Imagine a ladder with each rung getting

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gradually smaller from bottom to top - .

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ACTIONS. .

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BELIEFS. .

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CONCLUSIONS. .

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ASSUMPTIONS. .

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MEANINGS. .

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SELECTED DATA. .

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OBSERVATIONS. .

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Now imagine that this ladder is

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standing in a big puddle of water,

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which we’ll call the POOL OF

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OBSERVATIONS. .

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This pool contains all the possible

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observations we can make about the

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world—theoretically,

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there are infinite possibilities.

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The next rung up is OBSERVATIONS.

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These are all the observations that you

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select from the candidates of potential.

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We’ll look at what causes you to

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select some observations and not others

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in just a moment.

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The next rung is about the pieces of

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information you further select from

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these selected observations,

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SELECTED DATA. .i.e.,

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it’s a subset.

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You’re further narrowing down the

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data you are focusing on.

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The next rung is MEANING,

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which is the significance you attach to

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these selected observations.

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The next rung,

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ASSUMPTIONS. . is what you do with

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this meaning.

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You extrapolate or make assumptions

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based on the meaning you’ve extracted

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from the observations.

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On the next rung you come to

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CONCLUSIONS. .to make sense about what

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this all amounts to,

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and finally,

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these conclusions inform your  BELIEFS.

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.about the world and your place in it.

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Consequently,

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every ACTION you take,

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the last rung,

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is informed by this long chain of

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inferences and meaning making.

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Furthermore,

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the ladder doesn’t just go one way.

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Once you make meaning and take an

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action in accordance with those

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beliefs,

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then those beliefs actually tend to

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affect the data you are likely to

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select next time round on the  SELECTED

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DATA. .rung.

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Can you see where this is going?

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There are two potential problems -  1.

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Though everyone may begin in the same

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puddle of potential observations,

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each person ends up constructing their

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own unique ladder from those

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observations all the way up to the

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actions they take.

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If those ladders lead to completely

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different assumptions,

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meanings,

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beliefs,

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and ultimately actions,

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then conflict can arise.

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2.

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Conflict can also occur,

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as we saw with Jamie and Alex,

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when two people are on different rungs

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and trying to talk with one another

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from different positions.

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In our example,

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Jamie is on the  SELECTED DATA. .and

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MEANING rungs,

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trying to understand what went wrong

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and piece it all together (and,

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honestly,

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assign blame ...).

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Alex,

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however,

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is on the  BELIEFS. .or  ACTIONS.

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.rung,

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and is already looking for ways to move

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on from the fact that they overspent.

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It may be,

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however,

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that even if Jamie and Alex were on the

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same rung,

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they may disagree on what meanings to

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ascribe to observations,

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and what beliefs and actions to take as

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a result.

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However,

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good communication doesn’t

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necessarily mean agreement—it means

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understanding.

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Jamie and Alex can have a fruitful,

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productive conversation even though

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they ultimately disagree.

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At the same time,

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they can have an argument even when

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they both want the same thing and

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essentially agree!

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How To Use The Ladder In Your Own Life.

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The ladder is an excellent way to

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identify,

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defuse,

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and resolve conflict.

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It’s a way to shed light on

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misunderstandings and get everyone

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moving forward again.

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If you find yourself in a situation

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where you or others are “talking past

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one another,” then this is your

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signal that communication is going to

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break down—or already has.

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The first thing to do is check which

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rung each speaker is on.

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If the person you’re talking to has

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an objection that comes from a rung

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lower than yours,

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it needs to be addressed first before

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moving on.

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Your discussion should focus on

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bringing you both up the ladder

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together.

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For example,

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if Alex identifies that Jamie is on a

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lower rung,

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then the objections made start to make

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more sense.

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Alex can now address them.

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Jamie - “You’re not listening.

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We spent five hundred dollars more last

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month on eating out than we said we

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would.

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That’s a big deal!"

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Alex - “Okay,

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it seems like you’re really worried

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about how much we overspent.

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I agree with you,

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it’s a lot.

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Why do you think it happened?"

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(Here,

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Alex is asking Jamie to move to the

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next rung,

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MEANING. )

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Jamie - “Well,

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we were careless,

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that’s all.

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We weren’t paying attention."

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Alex - “I agree.

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It crept up on us.

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Now I’m sure you’ll agree with me,

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though,

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that there’s nothing we can do about

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it now.

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And if we want to do better next time

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round,

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we need to start looking at the future."

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(Now,

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to the next rung—can you see the two

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ASSUMPTIONS. .made?)

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Jamie - “Yes,

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okay.

292
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,320
Let’s do that."

293
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:44,320
Alex - “Unless we make some changes,

294
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,320
we’re going to be in big trouble (

295
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,720
CONCLUSIONS-ellipses.- Now I know

296
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,120
money’s tight,

297
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,920
but I still believe that going on

298
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,280
vacations is very important,

299
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,800
and I don’t want to suddenly stop

300
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,400
doing everything we enjoy (

301
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:59,520
BELIEFS-ellipses.- So I think moving

302
00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:00,000
forward,

303
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:02,720
I want to figure out some smart ways we

304
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,840
can still do the things we love without

305
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,680
spending too much money ( ACTIONS...”

306
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,320
Jamie - “Yes,

307
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,840
that makes a lot of sense.

308
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,200
I want to do that too."

309
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,200
Now,

310
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,880
there is no more disagreement in which

311
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,440
Jamie keeps reiterating how bad they

312
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,480
were to overspend,

313
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,760
while Alex feels guilty for planning

314
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:23,480
vacations.

315
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,120
They’re communicating again.

316
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,920
Granted,

317
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:27,840
in this example,

318
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:28,840
we’ve kept things very simple and

319
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:29,560
straightforward;

320
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:30,800
in real life,

321
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,720
each of these “rungs” may take a

322
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:33,560
long time,

323
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,360
perhaps even days.

324
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,760
And though in our example Alex very

325
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:40,080
neatly “leads” Jamie,

326
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,640
in reality this process would be a lot

327
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:43,480
more subtle,

328
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:44,840
complex,

329
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,120
and collaborative.

330
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,600
There may well be disagreement or

331
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,200
compromise.

332
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,200
But ultimately communication is

333
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,760
improved because people are reasoning

334
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:54,320
together,

335
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,520
rather than at cross-purposes.

336
00:09:56,520 --> 00:10:00,040
The ladder can also be useful any time

337
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,160
you are trying to get someone to

338
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,800
understand your own actions,

339
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,040
or proposed actions.

340
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,920
Whenever you want to “bring someone

341
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,240
around” to your point of view,

342
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,440
don’t start with the top of the

343
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,640
ladder—bring them along with you and

344
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,600
take each step of the ladder at a time

345
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,000
so they can see how the inferences and

346
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,320
assumptions of your argument gradually

347
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:20,360
build on one another.

348
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,760
It’s true that someone understanding

349
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:24,720
your thought process doesn’t

350
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,840
necessarily have to agree with you

351
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:27,440
afterward.

352
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,320
The good thing is that if you use the

353
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:31,880
ladder technique,

354
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,240
you will almost always avoid

355
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,160
misunderstandings and miscommunication,

356
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,360
and you will give yourself the best

357
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,600
chance of actually being heard.

358
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,560
Another great thing about the ladder is

359
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,960
that it shows you that the process of

360
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,040
thinking contains many separate,

361
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,760
sequential components—and skipping

362
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,160
one can sometimes lead to sloppy

363
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:52,880
thinking and,

364
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,080
of course,

365
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,320
miscommunication.

366
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:59,120
It can be useful sometimes to use the

367
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,360
ladder to slow down and examine your

368
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:02,360
own thought processes.

369
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,400
Try working backward almost

370
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,800
“forensically” -   1.

371
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:12,360
What beliefs have inspired your actions?

372
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
2.

373
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:16,400
What conclusions do you have about a

374
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,600
situation,

375
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:18,560
yourself,

376
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:19,560
others,

377
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,480
or the world that informed those

378
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,000
beliefs?

379
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,600
3.

380
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,520
What assumptions are you making?

381
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,320
(A great question is to ask whether you

382
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,160
really have much evidence for them,

383
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,160
and investigate what changes if you

384
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,000
make different assumptions or none at

385
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,960
all).

386
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:37,920
4.

387
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,800
What meaning are you ascribing to your

388
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,560
experiences?

389
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,240
5.

390
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,840
What are you focusing on?

391
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,880
What data are you selecting from your

392
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,520
environment to act on—or else,

393
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,560
what information have you discounted,

394
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:51,520
ignored,

395
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,760
or forgotten about?

396
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,280
6.

397
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:55,720
Finally,

398
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,240
can you look once more with fresh eyes

399
00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,560
at the observations around you?

400
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,320
For a moment,

401
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,840
can you do this without any

402
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:03,600
interpretation?

403
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,080
Asking these questions can reveal

404
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,000
interesting ways that our own thinking

405
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:09,840
has gone astray,

406
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,240
and if we can get a better

407
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,240
understanding of that,

408
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,120
we instantly become better

409
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:14,960
communicators.

410
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:15,840
After all,

411
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,600
how can we expect clear and conscious

412
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,720
communication with others when we

413
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,680
ourselves are unclear on our

414
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:23,480
motivations,

415
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,080
expectations,

416
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,120
and the meaning we ascribe to any

417
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:27,920
situation?

418
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,560
The ladder can be used formally or

419
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,520
informally,

420
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,960
and for big complex chunks of data as

421
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,320
well as more simple information.

422
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,680
It is highly adjustable,

423
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,320
but its strength is that it forces you

424
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,320
to look at things you might have taken

425
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,200
for granted.

426
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,760
For example,

427
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,120
you might use the framework in a

428
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:46,960
meeting you are leading.

429
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,200
If you understand the meeting as an

430
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,960
exercise in getting everyone to

431
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,440
“think together,” then you can

432
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,840
structure the meeting so that it moves

433
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,400
deliberately from one rung to the other.

434
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,800
This gives you time to iron out

435
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,840
objections or confusions rather than

436
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,560
rushing ahead to the higher rungs and

437
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,720
risking a full-on conflict.

438
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:09,440
A few further key insights as you use

439
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,040
the ladder in your own communication -

440
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,280
Nobody is “wrong."

441
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,200
The ladder is not there to help you

442
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,600
find out who is to blame!

443
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,440
Also,

444
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,640
the person who is higher on the ladder

445
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,680
isn’t necessarily faster,

446
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:22,960
more intelligent,

447
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,160
more correct,

448
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,040
or more motivated.

449
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,200
As we’ve seen,

450
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,280
misunderstandings usually arise because

451
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,240
of mismatch—that doesn’t mean that

452
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:33,640
there has to be a good guy and a bad

453
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:33,960
guy.

454
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,640
It just means something is not aligning.

455
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:40,400
Switch focus from content to process.

456
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,200
Too many arguments are sustained

457
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,920
because people are distracted by the

458
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,640
content of what is being said—but

459
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,680
usually the problem is the way it’s

460
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:50,400
being said,

461
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,120
and the reasoning behind that.

462
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,280
As you talk to someone,

463
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,000
become tuned in to the way they are

464
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,440
thinking—and the way you are thinking!

465
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:00,800
Keep your ego out of it.

466
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,760
Disagreement and conflict have a way of

467
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,360
activating our defenses and making us

468
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,600
wrongly believe that we are the model

469
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,240
of good reasoning,

470
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,520
and everyone else is mistaken,

471
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:12,520
stupid,

472
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:13,400
crazy,

473
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:13,840
wrong,

474
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:14,200
bad,

475
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,000
etc.

476
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,640
But slow down and consider your

477
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,480
reasoning,

478
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,960
their reasoning,

479
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,480
and the way the two are interacting.

480
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,920
Remember that you are not just applying

481
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,680
the ladder analysis to them,

482
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,280
but to yourself as well.

483
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,480
You might feel like you want to stand

484
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,600
on the top of your own ladder and yell

485
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,280
your opinion to all who will hear it,

486
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,880
but this is just ego talking and will

487
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:39,600
get you nowhere.

488
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,880
Ask questions.

489
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,960
Finally,

490
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,080
one way to become a better communicator

491
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,320
is to actively engage them in the

492
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,280
process of examining the underlying

493
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,720
reasoning behind action and opinion.

494
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,000
Ask with genuine curiosity.

495
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,080
Why do they think X. Y. Z. ?

496
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,720
What facts do they know,

497
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,040
and what do those facts mean to them?

498
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:04,840
Why?

499
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:05,920
How?

500
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,400
To conclude,

501
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,320
most of us experience the objective

502
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,080
world subjectively and selectively.

503
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,600
We focus on specific facts only,

504
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,240
interpret what those facts mean based

505
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:20,360
on certain assumptions,

506
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,720
come to conclusions based on these

507
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:23,200
assumptions,

508
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,680
allow these conclusions to shape our

509
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:26,160
beliefs,

510
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,640
and then let these beliefs guide our

511
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,960
action ...as well as determine what

512
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,520
facts we focus on in the future.

513
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,200
This process can be an opportunity to

514
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,000
create a strong,

515
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:36,480
effective,

516
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,840
and healthy way of looking at the

517
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:38,600
world,

518
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,960
or it can become an unconscious echo

519
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,440
chamber that ends up amplifying and

520
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,960
replicating the same errors again and

521
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,040
again.

522
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:50,240
Framing.

523
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,000
If you’re like most people,

524
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,120
you listen to respond.

525
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,160
You’re reactive.

526
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,680
You let conversations go whichever way

527
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,160
they go.

528
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,640
But good communicators approach things

529
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:03,240
a little differently.

530
00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,920
They are more likely to proactively set

531
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,600
the frame for a conversation.

532
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,360
What is a “frame”?

533
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,360
It’s simply the way you position your

534
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,360
line of thinking by your particular

535
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,720
choice of words and expression.

536
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,120
It’s the kind of thing that will

537
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,440
appear to be everywhere once you know

538
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:21,040
to look for it.

539
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,760
It’s how we develop our arguments,

540
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,240
“lead” our listeners along paths of

541
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,400
reasoning and inference,

542
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,600
and deliberately use language for a

543
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,640
special purpose we have chosen.

544
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,080
Consider the following speech made by

545
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,360
Barack Obama at the 2004 Democratic

546
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,000
National Convention - “There’s not

547
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,080
a liberal America and a conservative

548
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:44,680
America;

549
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,400
there’s the United States of America.

550
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,240
There’s not a Black America and white

551
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,520
America and Latino America and Asian

552
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:52,920
America;

553
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,400
there’s the United States of America

554
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,280
... We are one people,

555
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,440
all of us pledging allegiance to the

556
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:00,360
stars and stripes,

557
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,120
all of us defending the United States

558
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:03,640
of America.

559
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:04,200
In the end,

560
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,440
that’s what this election is about.

561
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,840
Do we participate in a politics of

562
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:10,440
cynicism,

563
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,960
or do we participate in a politics of

564
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:13,280
hope?"

565
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:17,240
Notice how he has structured his

566
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,440
speech—notice the frame by which he

567
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:20,560
is delivering his message.

568
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,480
He did not simply stand up on the stage

569
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,760
and announce - “It’s important for

570
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:25,560
us to remember who we are as

571
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,040
Americans” or even “it’s time

572
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,320
there was an African American

573
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:29,800
president,

574
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,080
and I’ll give you some reasons why."

575
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,360
Rather,

576
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:36,000
he took seventeen long minutes to lead

577
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,320
the audience to this conclusion

578
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:38,920
themselves.

579
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:43,000
Note in the above that he asks a

580
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:43,720
rhetorical question,

581
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,520
to which the only answer can be “we

582
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,280
participate in a politics of hope."

583
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,360
Notice the rhythm and repetition in the

584
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,480
way he lays out the artificial

585
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:54,840
differences between different types of

586
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:55,320
Americans,

587
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,640
then leads to his conclusion - “we

588
00:17:58,640 --> 00:17:59,480
are one people."

589
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:04,280
Obama (and indeed anyone delivering a

590
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:05,960
persuasive speech of this kind)

591
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,280
succeeds not because he effectively

592
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,720
shows people what he thinks,

593
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,400
but because he constructs a compelling

594
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,040
frame in which to communicate that

595
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:14,640
message.

596
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,600
His listeners,

597
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:16,760
then,

598
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,000
go a step further from understanding

599
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,440
and are stirred up enough to be

600
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,120
inspired by him and agree with what he

601
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:22,720
says.

602
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:25,680
When the frame of a conversation

603
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:26,200
changes,

604
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,920
everything changes.

605
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,000
Everything takes on a different meaning.

606
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,000
Therefore,

607
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,640
it’s simply not something we can

608
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,640
leave to chance.

609
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,440
Obama,

610
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:36,960
of course,

611
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,480
would have had this speech carefully

612
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:40,480
written by experts,

613
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,800
and he may well have rehearsed it for

614
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:43,400
hours.

615
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,280
Obama was known as a powerful and

616
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,320
persuasive speaker,

617
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,560
and it’s in big part due to his

618
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:52,680
understanding of how to frame himself

619
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,240
and his message.

620
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,360
George Lakoff is an author and

621
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,760
professor of cognitive science and

622
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:00,360
linguistics.

623
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,880
In his book Don’t Think of an

624
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,600
Elephant!,

625
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,560
he explains how talking to people’s

626
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,480
frames is a powerful way of having them

627
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,320
really hear you,

628
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:12,400
saying that we mistakenly think that,

629
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,760
“if we just tell people the facts,

630
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,760
since people are basically rational

631
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:17,120
beings,

632
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,480
they’ll all reach the right

633
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:19,200
conclusions.

634
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,920
But we know from cognitive science that

635
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:23,600
people do not think like that.

636
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,440
People think in frames ...to be

637
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:26,920
accepted,

638
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,800
the truth must fit people’s frames.

639
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,560
If the facts do not fit a frame,

640
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,560
the frame stays and the facts bounce

641
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,080
off.

642
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,480
Why?

643
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,400
Neuroscience tells us that each of the

644
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,960
concepts we have—the long-term

645
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,840
concepts that structure how we

646
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,040
think—is instituted in the synapses

647
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:47,560
of our brains.

648
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,040
Concepts are not things that can be

649
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,720
changed just by someone telling us a

650
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,120
fact.

651
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,640
We may be presented with facts,

652
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,480
but for us to make sense of them,

653
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,720
they have to fit what is already in the

654
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,240
synapses of the brain.

655
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,440
Otherwise,

656
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,440
facts go in and then they go right back

657
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:04,760
out.

658
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:05,680
They are not heard,

659
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,800
or they are not accepted as facts,

660
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,400
or they mystify us - “Why would

661
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,360
anyone have said that?"

662
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,880
Then we label the fact as irrational,

663
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:14,720
crazy,

664
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:15,520
or stupid."

665
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,240
So,

666
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,040
a frame is the way we work with

667
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,400
pre-existing concepts to ensure that

668
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,040
the message we’re sharing has the

669
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,520
highest chance of being received.

670
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,000
Interestingly,

671
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,560
it’s also why Lakoff recommends

672
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,640
resisting the frame of someone you’re

673
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,160
pushing against by refusing to use

674
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:33,880
their language.

675
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,040
This is because it is language that

676
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,040
builds the frame—and if someone is

677
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,520
not working in your interests,

678
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,360
then the frame they choose will not be

679
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,040
the frame you want.

680
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,960
In Obama’s case,

681
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,920
framing is used to persuade.

682
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,880
But frames can have other uses and are

683
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,240
especially helpful in navigating

684
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:51,720
difficult,

685
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,000
uncomfortable,

686
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,280
or emotionally charged conflicts.

687
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,920
Maybe the other person just refuses to

688
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,080
listen or believe you.

689
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,400
Maybe you both keep saying the same

690
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,360
things over and over,

691
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,080
and it’s escalating.

692
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,040
What’s the solution?

693
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,040
According to Lakoff,

694
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,640
you both need to find a way to get into

695
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:12,600
the same frame.

696
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,800
As a good communicator,

697
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,880
it’s your job to find out what story

698
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,640
you could tell that will resonate with

699
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:20,000
the other person.

700
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,920
Remember—it’s not about facts.

701
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,880
It’s about all the many different

702
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,000
ways to look at those facts,

703
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,240
and what that means for two people who

704
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,560
find themselves in a conversation about

705
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:29,800
them.

706
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,640
Here are a few things to keep in mind -

707
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,880
1.

708
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,680
Make sure that,

709
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:36,760
as far as possible,

710
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,320
you begin every conversation with a

711
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,840
good idea of where you want it to go.

712
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,480
Be proactive.

713
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:44,840
2.

714
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:46,880
What is your frame?

715
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,160
Your source of truth?

716
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,160
The framework you’re embedded in?

717
00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:53,320
Really own this—it will help you find

718
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:54,880
the metaphors and stories that will

719
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,720
help you express your position.

720
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,960
3.

721
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,880
Get the other person to see into this

722
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,120
frame of yours by asking them questions.

723
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,000
You want them to agree.

724
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,800
Be careful and avoid using their story

725
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:10,920
or their words.

726
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,080
4.

727
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:16,480
Deliberately engineer the structure of

728
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,240
your story so that it leads toward the

729
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,600
kind of solutions you want.

730
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,600
It’s about focus.

731
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,920
Reading the above,

732
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,280
you may think that setting a

733
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,360
conversational frame may be a little

734
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:29,080
manipulative.

735
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,880
Isn’t thinking in this way precisely

736
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:32,960
the thing that leads to stubborn

737
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,640
standoffs in conversations?

738
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:35,440
Well,

739
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,520
yes and no.

740
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,680
The truth is,

741
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,120
we are all using frames all the time.

742
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:41,800
It’s just a question of whether

743
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:42,800
we’re consciously aware of it,

744
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,480
how those frames work,

745
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,760
to what end,

746
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,360
and in service of whom and what.

747
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,360
Being a good communicator means

748
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,040
understanding all this and proactively

749
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,000
taking charge.

750
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,800
This is more often than not a win-win

751
00:22:58,800 --> 00:22:59,360
scenario.

752
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,560
Let’s look at an example.

753
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,760
Imagine a potential client is

754
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,160
interested but has concerns about the

755
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,000
price you’re charging.

756
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,360
What you don’t want to do in this

757
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,040
case is bombard them with facts (you

758
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,080
might call them “reasons”)

759
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,280
to change their mind.

760
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,560
It won’t work.

761
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,760
What you need to do is consider the

762
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,000
best frame for the case you want to

763
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:20,280
make.

764
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,040
And to do that,

765
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,160
you need to understand the frame

766
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:23,680
they’re already in,

767
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,160
the nature of their objections and

768
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:26,520
fears,

769
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,320
and what exactly it is you’re asking

770
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:29,840
them to do.

771
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,400
This might allow you to realize that

772
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,640
the person is hesitant because they are

773
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,160
unsure of the real value of what

774
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:36,880
you’re offering.

775
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,000
They are very,

776
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,480
very tired of being aggressively

777
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,360
marketed to and just want something

778
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:44,880
that works.

779
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,160
So you say that they’re right—it is

780
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:48,680
expensive.

781
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,360
There are people who don’t buy

782
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:52,960
because it’s not in their budget,

783
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:53,720
and that’s okay.

784
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:57,160
But you do have many satisfied clients

785
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:57,360
who,

786
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,760
having taken the leap,

787
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,200
are now really glad they did—and

788
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,520
you’d be happy to put them in touch.

789
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:03,120
Otherwise,

790
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,080
you totally respect their decision

791
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:05,480
either way,

792
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,440
and they know where to find you if they

793
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,280
change their mind.

794
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,960
Can you feel the frame?

795
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,720
Can you see how this response actually

796
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:15,680
pulls the potential client into that

797
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:16,240
frame with you?

798
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,480
There is nothing in it for the person

799
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,560
to push against—and a lot to agree

800
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:21,920
with.

801
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:25,320
As Dwight D. Eisenhower said,

802
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,960
“Motivation is the art of getting

803
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,240
people to do what you want them to do

804
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:33,640
because they want to do it.” In this

805
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:34,120
example,

806
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,640
you are using a frame that gives you

807
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,600
the best chance of actually reaching

808
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,560
this prospective client and getting

809
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,200
them to behave in the way you want them

810
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:43,760
to behave.

811
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,920
In the same way,

812
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:48,200
a frame can change anything.

813
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,560
It can turn a restriction and a limit

814
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,720
into “safety” and “comfort."

815
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:56,280
It can position a loss as a gain or a

816
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:57,120
gain as a loss.

817
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,400
It can appoint an adversary as a

818
00:24:59,400 --> 00:24:59,640
teacher,

819
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,280
and a friend as a saboteur.

820
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:07,320
The luxury fashion brand Hermes sells a

821
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:07,760
handbag,

822
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:08,840
the “Birkin."

823
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,520
But not just anyone can buy the

824
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:11,800
handbag;

825
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,480
there are only a limited number

826
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:13,760
available,

827
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,920
and you have to be invited to spend the

828
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,040
roughly fifty thousand dollars to have

829
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:19,240
one.

830
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,560
The company will only sell to those

831
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:23,600
they consider worthy,

832
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,680
and in fact don’t even fully

833
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,560
advertise their selection criteria,

834
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,320
and do not display the bag in ordinary

835
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:30,960
stores.

836
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,560
Their tactics around this item are kept

837
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,000
under a deliberate veil of mystery.

838
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,280
Hermes has completely inverted the

839
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,880
conventional buyer-seller frame and

840
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,120
created their own .- In this frame,

841
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,240
instead of the company marketing

842
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,240
themselves so they are selected by the

843
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:49,640
consumer,

844
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,000
the consumer fights to be considered a

845
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,280
potential buyer and feels privileged to

846
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,680
cough up the fifty thousand dollars.

847
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,800
Every person you ever communicate with

848
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,000
will have a lifetime of experiences

849
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:04,480
behind them,

850
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,360
and these have taught them in gradual

851
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,760
increments to adopt certain beliefs and

852
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:13,280
worldviews (hopefully not too many as

853
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,240
bizarre as Hermes’).

854
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,520
Many of these views will be unconscious.

855
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,880
But that doesn’t stop them from being

856
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,360
strongly influenced by these beliefs,

857
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,240
which seep through and infiltrate

858
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,640
everything they do and say,

859
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,320
as well as everything they’re able to

860
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,840
hear or agree with.

861
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:33,000
Think again about Obama’s speech.

862
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,760
There would have been many different

863
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:35,840
people in the crowd that night,

864
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:37,840
and a lot of them will have possessed

865
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,560
viewpoints and frames that didn’t

866
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,680
match the one Obama was presenting.

867
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,280
For example,

868
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,120
many Democrats who are politically

869
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:47,400
involved enough to attend conventions

870
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,920
and rallies do tend to think that there

871
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:51,640
is such a thing as a “liberal America

872
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:52,840
and a conservative America,

873
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,240
a Black America and white

874
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:56,880
America”—after all,

875
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,200
they were there to show support for the

876
00:26:59,200 --> 00:26:59,680
democrats,

877
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:00,480
not the conservatives,

878
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:03,280
and specifically for Obama himself

879
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,720
precisely because he was a Black

880
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:06,120
American,

881
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,280
not because his race didn’t matter.

882
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:12,400
This is the power of framing—it can

883
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,360
so thoroughly change context,

884
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:15,600
shift meanings,

885
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,720
and create new understandings that it

886
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,720
allows you to not only have a

887
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:23,120
conversation but steer a conversation.

888
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,480
This steering is so powerful that it

889
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,960
can actually remake meaning entirely

890
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,800
and cause people to completely change

891
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:34,080
not just their opinions but the way

892
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,840
they arrive at those opinions.

893
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:39,480
Obama could have framed himself as a

894
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,800
victim or as an angry avenger.

895
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,440
He could have highlighted the frame of

896
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:43,800
justice,

897
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:45,320
or the frame of prosperity.

898
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:46,080
He could,

899
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:46,800
in essence,

900
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,600
have chosen any frame in the world.

901
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:52,080
When someone uses their power to frame

902
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,640
and influence in a good way,

903
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,640
we call them leaders and are happy to

904
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:57,680
be inspired by them.

905
00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:00,760
When their frames dominate and diminish

906
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:00,960
us,

907
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,360
we call them bullies and tyrants.

908
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:07,080
Importantly—it’s the same skill!

909
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,440
Reality is fixed ...but the meaning of

910
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,360
reality is dynamic and subject to

911
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:12,960
change.

912
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:17,120
It is not absolute but contextual,

913
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:20,280
not passively received but actively

914
00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:20,920
constructed.

915
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,960
This is where communication takes

916
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:24,200
place,

917
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:26,480
and where you have your greatest chance

918
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:27,360
for making connections,

919
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:28,480
being heard,

920
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,360
and influencing others.

921
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:35,560
Chunking .- Adjusting The Zoom Button.

922
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:40,240
Take a look at this conversation -  A

923
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:40,760
.- Oh,

924
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:41,000
wow,

925
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,240
so you’re a music teacher!

926
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:43,720
How long have you been doing that?

927
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:44,600
B .- Oh,

928
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:45,640
about ten years now,

929
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:46,040
at least.

930
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:47,120
A .- Cool.

931
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,640
And that whole time you taught the

932
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:50,280
French horn?

933
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:50,840
B .- Well,

934
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:51,280
no.

935
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,840
That’s my main instrument,

936
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,480
but I do oboe as well.

937
00:28:55,480 --> 00:28:56,480
A .- Huh.

938
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,720
I’ve heard that the French horn is

939
00:28:58,720 --> 00:28:59,280
really difficult.

940
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,000
B .- Yeah,

941
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:00,720
it can be.

942
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:02,920
A lot of my students end up quitting,

943
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:03,760
sorry to say!

944
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:04,920
A .- Oh,

945
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:05,160
yeah?

946
00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,440
How long do they stay before they

947
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:07,960
usually quit?

948
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,120
B .- How long?

949
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,120
Uh ...I’m not sure.

950
00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:12,360
Everyone’s different,

951
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:12,720
I guess.

952
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,080
I’d say the ones who leave do so

953
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:15,840
pretty quickly.

954
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:17,440
But that could be for all sorts of

955
00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:18,040
reasons.

956
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:18,960
It’s complicated,

957
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,640
I think.

958
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,200
But you know early on whether you love

959
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,640
the instrument or not.

960
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:25,400
A .- Oh,

961
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:26,000
totally.

962
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:26,880
So maybe,

963
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:27,120
like,

964
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:29,000
they’d quit after the first lesson?

965
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:30,320
B .- Uh ...no,

966
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:31,120
not always.

967
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:32,560
Sometimes a month?

968
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:33,320
I don’t know.

969
00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:37,280
A .- Do they ever tell you before they

970
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:38,920
go or do they just disappear?

971
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,160
And on and on.

972
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,160
What’s your feeling about this

973
00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:43,840
conversation?

974
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,840
Reading it again,

975
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:48,640
can you spot the point at which is

976
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,800
starts to kind of grind along?

977
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,040
You can almost feel the moment where B

978
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:54,320
starts to get bored.

979
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:55,640
Why?

980
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,960
Before we consider the answer,

981
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,520
let’s look at another example -  A .-

982
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:01,600
Oh,

983
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:02,120
wow,

984
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,440
so you’re a music teacher!

985
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:05,120
How long have you been doing that?

986
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:06,200
B .- Oh,

987
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:07,560
about ten years now,

988
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:08,040
at least.

989
00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,200
A .- Cool.

990
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:10,520
That’s a long time.

991
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:12,400
Do you think you’ll always teach?

992
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:13,240
B .- Well,

993
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:15,200
I do sometimes wonder.

994
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:16,440
It’s rewarding,

995
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,000
but ...people’s attitudes to learning

996
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:20,360
have changed so much over the years,

997
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:20,920
you know?

998
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,160
A .- I can imagine.

999
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,040
People seem to just have less and less

1000
00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:27,080
patience these days.

1001
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:28,640
What do you think’s causing it?

1002
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:29,760
B .- Well,

1003
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:30,480
who knows.

1004
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:31,600
Take your pick,

1005
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:31,960
right?

1006
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:32,440
I mean,

1007
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:33,840
I have some very good students,

1008
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:34,920
so I can’t complain.

1009
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:35,040
A .- Oh,

1010
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:36,320
I’m sure.

1011
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,240
Do you think that overall your

1012
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,200
students’ motivations are changing

1013
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:40,840
over time?

1014
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:42,440
B .- Hm,

1015
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:42,720
could be.

1016
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:43,560
It’s hard to say.

1017
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:46,400
A .- Do you think that you’ve had to

1018
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,560
adapt the way you teach them to

1019
00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:50,120
accommodate for how different students

1020
00:30:50,120 --> 00:30:52,680
are today compared with ten years ago?

1021
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,280
I often feel like we focus too much on

1022
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:56,320
technique in this country,

1023
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,520
and so little on the art side.

1024
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,880
Do you find that?

1025
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,600
Now consider what you think of this

1026
00:31:04,600 --> 00:31:05,320
conversation.

1027
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:06,600
It’s completely different,

1028
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:09,920
but somehow something is still not

1029
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:11,000
quite working.

1030
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:14,160
The big problem with both conversations

1031
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,840
(other than A asking a barrage of

1032
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,440
questions and B being somewhat

1033
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:19,240
unresponsive)

1034
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:21,040
is a question of chunking.

1035
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,600
In neuro-linguistic programming,

1036
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:26,000
the word "chunking" is used to describe

1037
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,880
the way in which we can group pieces of

1038
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:28,440
information.

1039
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:30,480
We can chunk “up” or “down -” .

1040
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,280
Chunking up means to ask questions or

1041
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:35,200
make comments in such a way as to

1042
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:38,200
combine information and make it more

1043
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:39,880
abstract and more general.

1044
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,480
It’s the process of looking for

1045
00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:43,800
things that are coming,

1046
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,440
or “zooming out” to see the

1047
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:47,360
overarching theme,

1048
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:48,040
pattern,

1049
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,480
or structure that simplifies all the

1050
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,040
smaller details you’re looking at.

1051
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:55,480
So someone gives you a long list of all

1052
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:57,120
the pets they’ve had throughout their

1053
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:57,360
life,

1054
00:31:57,360 --> 00:31:59,840
and you chunk up by saying,

1055
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,200
“So you’re a real animal lover,

1056
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:02,680
huh?"

1057
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,880
Chunking down goes the other way.

1058
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,240
It’s when we ask questions or make

1059
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,360
comments that move the conversation

1060
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,240
from the general and abstract to the

1061
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:13,400
more specific.

1062
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,880
Someone says they love animals,

1063
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,080
and you ask them,

1064
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:18,720
“Do you have a pet?"

1065
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,600
In doing so,

1066
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:23,120
you’re asking for a more specific

1067
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,960
instance of the general claim they’ve

1068
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:25,360
just made,

1069
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:26,240
i.e.,

1070
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:27,480
zooming in.

1071
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,400
Basically,

1072
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,640
chunking is a way to turn the dial on

1073
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,560
the level of detail occurring in a

1074
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:34,200
conversation.

1075
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:36,960
Let’s return to our examples above.

1076
00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:38,760
In the first example,

1077
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker A asks questions that lead to

1078
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:45,520
them zooming in on the idea of students

1079
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,360
quitting and exactly when they quit and

1080
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:48,760
why.

1081
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:52,000
It’s as though each question drills

1082
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,800
deeper and deeper into this one chosen

1083
00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,160
thread—perhaps to the boredom of

1084
00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:56,800
Speaker B!

1085
00:32:56,800 --> 00:33:00,120
The second conversation has a different

1086
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:00,640
problem.

1087
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:01,400
Here,

1088
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker A keeps asking questions that

1089
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,400
open up the conversation to a more

1090
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,120
abstract level.

1091
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:08,520
But in time,

1092
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,240
these questions just seem to go nowhere.

1093
00:33:10,240 --> 00:33:12,600
They are soon talking about students in

1094
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:12,760
general,

1095
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:15,280
and then all people and their total

1096
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:16,000
lack of patience,

1097
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,600
and then the entire system of music

1098
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:20,080
education in the whole

1099
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:22,560
country—there’s a load of sweeping

1100
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,640
generalization and broad abstraction.

1101
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:27,840
Again Speaker B is not quite enjoying

1102
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,720
this flight into the abstract!

1103
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:33,960
Chunking up questions/phrases/themes

1104
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:34,840
can look like -

1105
00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,400
•What does that mean?

1106
00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:38,400
•Let's look at the big picture ...

1107
00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:40,760
•How does that connect to ...?

1108
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,960
•Why did all of that happen?

1109
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,400
•What pattern is emerging?

1110
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:47,400
Chunking down,

1111
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:48,040
on the other hand,

1112
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:49,200
could sound like -

1113
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:50,560
•What happened next?

1114
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,280
•Can you provide a specific detail?

1115
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:54,200
(For example,

1116
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,560
what was his name?

1117
00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,200
How much did it cost?)

1118
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:58,880
•Tell me more about ...

1119
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,080
•When did this happen,

1120
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,200
and in what order?

1121
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,280
Which is better to use—chunking up or

1122
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:06,640
down?

1123
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:08,160
The answer is neither,

1124
00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:11,400
because a good conversation contains a

1125
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:13,120
dynamic balance of both of them.

1126
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,400
We can zoom in and out to various

1127
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:18,560
levels of detail and abstraction

1128
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:19,600
according to our needs.

1129
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:22,360
(We’ll explore this more in a later

1130
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:24,160
chapter when we look at “funnel

1131
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:24,840
questions.”)

1132
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:26,800
Start at a broad,

1133
00:34:26,800 --> 00:34:29,680
general level and work your way down.

1134
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:33,120
This may correspond with more

1135
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:33,880
open-ended questions,

1136
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:36,200
but it doesn’t necessarily have to -

1137
00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:37,960
1.

1138
00:34:37,960 --> 00:34:41,800
Start with chunking up to define the

1139
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:43,400
“territory” of your conversation,

1140
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,560
state the parameters of the problem,

1141
00:34:45,560 --> 00:34:48,680
or gently introduce a new conversation

1142
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:49,080
or topic.

1143
00:34:49,080 --> 00:34:50,960
2.

1144
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:53,000
Gradually chunk down,

1145
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,120
but do not ask more than three chunking

1146
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:57,320
down questions in a row.

1147
00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:00,120
Find out things like specific goals,

1148
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:01,280
motivations,

1149
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:02,120
problems,

1150
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:03,560
interpretations,

1151
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:04,600
examples,

1152
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:05,280
etc.

1153
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:06,280
3.

1154
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:08,800
Then zoom out again with another

1155
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:09,960
chunking up question.

1156
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:10,960
Again,

1157
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,680
try not to ask more than three of these

1158
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:14,080
in a row.

1159
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:18,120
The point of zooming in and out is to

1160
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,960
avoid either extreme .- Get too

1161
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:23,680
abstract and lofty and you risk

1162
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:24,440
creating a stiff,

1163
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:25,640
impersonal,

1164
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,400
and vague conversation about nothing

1165
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:29,240
and everything.

1166
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:30,440
On the other hand,

1167
00:35:30,440 --> 00:35:33,000
linger too long on chunking down

1168
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,160
questions and you can get lost,

1169
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:35,760
stuck,

1170
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,640
or distracted by irrelevant details.

1171
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:41,440
A good metaphor is to imagine that you

1172
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,320
and your conversation partner are

1173
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,800
mutually navigating your way up a

1174
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,800
winding mountain path,

1175
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:49,120
using a map.

1176
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:50,480
Sometimes,

1177
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:51,960
you’ll both want to lean in and

1178
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:53,680
engage with the finer details of

1179
00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:55,760
exactly where you are—the rocks and

1180
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:56,600
trees and so on.

1181
00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:59,120
You’ll focus on this turn or that

1182
00:35:59,120 --> 00:35:59,400
turn,

1183
00:35:59,400 --> 00:36:01,600
and the one foot in front of the other.

1184
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:02,480
But every once in a while,

1185
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,960
you have to consult the map and get a

1186
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:06,440
bigger picture of what you’re doing.

1187
00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:08,920
You need to look up and take in the

1188
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:09,480
horizon,

1189
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:12,120
or glance behind you to see how far

1190
00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:13,680
you’ve advanced up the mountain and

1191
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:15,680
how much longer you have to go.

1192
00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,080
You might even take a break and

1193
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:20,320
consider the whole reason for climbing

1194
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:21,280
the mountain in the first place!

1195
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:22,440
In any case,

1196
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,680
good mountaineers have both

1197
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,640
skills—they pay attention to the

1198
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:27,800
gravel beneath their boots,

1199
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,960
but also look up and around them and

1200
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:32,880
engage in the broader task.

1201
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:35,440
The ideal conversation,

1202
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:35,960
then,

1203
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,360
would be a comfortable mix of the first

1204
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:40,680
and second of our examples above.

1205
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:41,440
For instance,

1206
00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:43,800
instead of continuing to dwell on the

1207
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:44,800
students who quit,

1208
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:47,280
and exactly when they quit and why,

1209
00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:49,840
Speaker A could take a metaphorical

1210
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:50,560
step back,

1211
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:52,560
allow the conversation to breathe a

1212
00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:52,600
little,

1213
00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:55,840
and take the opportunity to chunk up.

1214
00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:57,320
Similarly,

1215
00:36:57,320 --> 00:36:59,760
three or four chunking up questions

1216
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,600
into the second conversation is a good

1217
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:04,600
time to stop talking abstractly and

1218
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,320
probe for some specifics.

1219
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:11,480
Conversational Extremist .- The

1220
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:12,520
Nitpicker.

1221
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:15,400
In our examples,

1222
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:18,440
chunking up or down is something we can

1223
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,840
locate in a single question or comment.

1224
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,240
But it can often be more subtle than

1225
00:37:23,240 --> 00:37:23,480
this.

1226
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:25,680
“Nitpickers” are people who have a

1227
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:27,520
longstanding tendency to have

1228
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,640
conversations constantly take place on

1229
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:30,720
a concrete,

1230
00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:31,640
literal,

1231
00:37:31,640 --> 00:37:33,280
and detailed level.

1232
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,680
The result can be a conversational

1233
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,560
style that is felt by others to be very

1234
00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:37,840
dull,

1235
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:39,000
dragging,

1236
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:40,360
and uninspired.

1237
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,560
It’s like the conversation gets

1238
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:44,680
“stuck in the weeds” and never

1239
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:45,320
really launches.

1240
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,920
This is the person who,

1241
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:49,520
when you tell them you’ve met the

1242
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:50,000
love of your life,

1243
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,360
will be curious about what time in the

1244
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:54,960
morning you met them and what their

1245
00:37:54,960 --> 00:37:57,680
name is and whether you spell that name

1246
00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:58,720
with one L or two.

1247
00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:02,040
We tend to become conversational

1248
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:04,480
nitpickers ourselves for a few reasons.

1249
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:07,840
We may be anxious and trying to control

1250
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:09,120
the course of the conversation but

1251
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,720
inadvertently keep it muzzled to

1252
00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:13,480
endless mundane details.

1253
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:15,840
We may be bored ourselves.

1254
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,280
The way out is simple .- If you find

1255
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:20,920
that you or your listener is getting

1256
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:21,800
bored or distracted,

1257
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,240
sit back (sometimes literally!)

1258
00:38:25,240 --> 00:38:26,920
and ask an open-ended,

1259
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:29,200
completely abstract question.

1260
00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,960
Say something about an intangible

1261
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:32,560
concept.

1262
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:34,360
Introduce a metaphor,

1263
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,360
or even a controversial and nuanced

1264
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:38,000
opinion.

1265
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,000
This should kick the conversation back

1266
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:41,440
into gear.

1267
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:46,360
Conversational Extremist .- The

1268
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:47,280
Philosopher.

1269
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:50,800
The other extreme is the person who

1270
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:51,040
never,

1271
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,880
ever comes down from some towering

1272
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,440
abstract conversational heights and

1273
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,640
seems to always be looking down at

1274
00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:00,880
humans and all the petty details of

1275
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:03,720
their lives ...a bit like a philosopher.

1276
00:39:03,720 --> 00:39:06,040
These are the people who will

1277
00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:07,960
constantly try to make isolate

1278
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:11,280
observations or single anecdotes mean

1279
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,480
something about a grander political,

1280
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:14,280
social,

1281
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,160
or philosophical narrative.

1282
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:18,960
You might want to rant a little about

1283
00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:19,520
someone who was late,

1284
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:21,800
and they respond with a

1285
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:23,800
deep-and-meaningful deconstruction of

1286
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:25,440
the entire notion of lateness,

1287
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,800
of all mankind’s tendencies to rebel

1288
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,720
against artificial segmentation of this

1289
00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:32,800
imaginary construct called time,

1290
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:33,680
and to finish off,

1291
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,840
some complex psychoanalysis of the late

1292
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:39,680
person—not just this person in

1293
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:39,960
question,

1294
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:41,520
but all people who are late.

1295
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,000
The conversational philosopher is

1296
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:45,200
someone who is always looking for

1297
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:45,640
theories,

1298
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:46,400
patterns,

1299
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,080
and overarching themes,

1300
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:51,280
but this can come across as pompous,

1301
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:52,240
cold,

1302
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:53,520
and irrelevant.

1303
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:54,880
The solution,

1304
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:55,160
here,

1305
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,720
is also obvious .- Come back to earth

1306
00:39:57,720 --> 00:39:59,680
with a question about this person’s

1307
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:02,200
specific life in the here and now.

1308
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,960
This should immediately anchor and

1309
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:06,720
ground the conversation,

1310
00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:10,200
with a side effect of making you seem

1311
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:10,800
more human,

1312
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:12,360
more approachable,

1313
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:13,800
and more relaxed.

1314
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,160
Chunking up or down,

1315
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:16,440
then,

1316
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:19,080
is not just a cognitive exercise about

1317
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:20,480
how information is managed.

1318
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:22,320
It’s also about the degree of

1319
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:24,640
openness or closedness in a

1320
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:25,160
conversation,

1321
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:26,840
the overall sense of flow,

1322
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:29,840
and the extent that either levity or

1323
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:31,960
seriousness is allowed to dominate.

1324
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:36,520
Use chunking up questions when you want

1325
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:36,920
to summarize,

1326
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,480
contextualize,

1327
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:39,720
consolidate,

1328
00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:42,760
or get some distance—theoretical or

1329
00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:43,520
emotional.

1330
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:47,120
This is a focus on an overarching

1331
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:47,800
organization,

1332
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,840
on purpose and intention.

1333
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:52,760
Use chunking down questions when you

1334
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,440
want to expand on some point,

1335
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:55,480
zoom in,

1336
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:56,160
confirm,

1337
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:58,560
or get to grips with the more

1338
00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,840
“real” aspects of the conversation.

1339
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:03,960
This is a focus on how the overarching

1340
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:06,280
themes express themselves in specific

1341
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:06,440
ways,

1342
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:08,000
on unique experience,

1343
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:09,600
and on the details - who,

1344
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:10,720
where,

1345
00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:11,480
when,

1346
00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:11,920
how,

1347
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:12,480
what,

1348
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:13,080
and why.

1349
00:41:13,080 --> 00:41:14,800
Finally,

1350
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,680
pay attention to chunking in conflict

1351
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:18,360
situations.

1352
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:20,640
You may discover that at least part of

1353
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:21,960
the problem is that two people are

1354
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,760
talking with different chunking

1355
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:24,360
tendencies.

1356
00:41:24,360 --> 00:41:25,960
For example,

1357
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:27,320
your boss may call you in with the

1358
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:29,440
intention of discussing an issue.

1359
00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:31,800
Your boss keeps listing out all

1360
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,640
instances of this issue and expanding

1361
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:35,720
on the details of each.

1362
00:41:35,720 --> 00:41:38,760
You get impatient because you are eager

1363
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:40,120
to understand what all of it

1364
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:43,040
means—what is the single insight or

1365
00:41:43,040 --> 00:41:45,000
conclusion you are meant to come to?

1366
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:48,560
Your boss sees you wanting to boil

1367
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,000
everything down and find some common

1368
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:51,280
cause for each transgression,

1369
00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:53,560
but assumes this means you are not

1370
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,240
accepting the fact that there are many

1371
00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:55,840
offenses,

1372
00:41:55,840 --> 00:41:56,560
not just one.

1373
00:41:56,560 --> 00:41:59,800
You see your boss endlessly listing

1374
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,200
grievances but without synthesizing

1375
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:03,760
them into anything you can act on.

1376
00:42:03,760 --> 00:42:05,760
And round and round you both talk,

1377
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,320
both unable to reach one another

1378
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:10,000
because you’re operating at

1379
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:11,960
completely different levels of detail.

1380
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:16,760
When communication has devolved to this

1381
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:17,360
extent,

1382
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:19,400
the way back to a shared frame of

1383
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:21,840
reference is to ask questions or make

1384
00:42:21,840 --> 00:42:24,360
comments that gradually close the gap.

1385
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:27,880
“What is that an example of?"

1386
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:30,080
“Is there something that connects all

1387
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:31,120
these observations?"

1388
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:33,320
“What one thing do you want me to

1389
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:34,680
take from this conversation?"

1390
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,080
On the other hand,

1391
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:38,400
if you’re having a conflict with

1392
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:40,320
someone who is being overly vague and

1393
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:40,880
abstract,

1394
00:42:40,880 --> 00:42:44,480
try to help them zoom in by asking

1395
00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:46,520
things like -  “Can you give me a

1396
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:48,200
specific example of what you’re

1397
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:49,160
talking about?"

1398
00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:51,520
“When did this event happen?

1399
00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:52,760
With whom?

1400
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:53,960
How?"

1401
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:57,520
“Can you pinpoint the exact moment it

1402
00:42:57,520 --> 00:42:58,720
all went wrong?"

1403
00:42:58,720 --> 00:43:01,000
Think Before You Speak.

1404
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:04,160
“I just call it like I see it."

1405
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,120
“I’m being honest."

1406
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:08,400
“That’s not what I meant to say."

1407
00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:10,560
“I’m just being me."

1408
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,960
“I don’t do small talk."

1409
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,960
Have you ever said any of the above?

1410
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:19,760
One major impediment to health,

1411
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:21,720
effective communication is a set of

1412
00:43:21,720 --> 00:43:25,040
subtle but very damaging beliefs about

1413
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:27,360
what is actually required of us as

1414
00:43:27,360 --> 00:43:29,800
humans when we speak to others.

1415
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:32,280
Some of these beliefs come from the

1416
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:34,120
idea that as long as we are authentic,

1417
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:35,240
sincere,

1418
00:43:35,240 --> 00:43:36,640
and share our emotions,

1419
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:37,760
that’s enough;

1420
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,120
in other words,

1421
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:40,840
our intentions matter,

1422
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:44,120
and how we articulate ourselves is less

1423
00:43:44,120 --> 00:43:44,720
important.

1424
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:47,320
Nothing could be further from the truth!

1425
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:50,600
Good communicators know that you cannot

1426
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:51,040
just,

1427
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:51,720
well,

1428
00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:54,200
blurt out whatever enters your mind.

1429
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,280
You need to be deliberate.

1430
00:43:55,280 --> 00:43:57,880
You need to consciously filter what you

1431
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:58,040
say.

1432
00:43:58,040 --> 00:44:00,280
You need to speak with purpose and

1433
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:00,840
discipline.

1434
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:03,560
If you’ve ever said something you

1435
00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:05,640
later regretted or really “put your

1436
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:07,840
foot in it,” then this is a sign that

1437
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,680
you could use more deliberation in the

1438
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:10,520
way you communicate!

1439
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:14,160
The first thing is to subtly challenge

1440
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:16,360
the idea that communication is solely

1441
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:17,760
about expressing yourself,

1442
00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:19,040
your position,

1443
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:20,200
or your emotions.

1444
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:21,840
It is not really relevant whether you

1445
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:24,080
have a strong feeling about something,

1446
00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:25,840
whether you feel like you’re right

1447
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:27,880
(or even if you are right!),

1448
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:29,560
or whether you are overcome by this or

1449
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,160
that impulse in the moment.

1450
00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:33,680
Since communication is a social

1451
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:34,120
activity,

1452
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:35,320
it involves others,

1453
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:38,280
and that automatically means that a

1454
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:40,760
portion of all communication is simply

1455
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:41,760
not about you.

1456
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,680
People who understand and work with

1457
00:44:44,680 --> 00:44:46,680
this insight are ultimately better at

1458
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:48,480
communication than those who keep on

1459
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,000
stubbornly insisting “it’s not my

1460
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:52,640
fault that they misunderstood me!"

1461
00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,520
Being a conscious and careful

1462
00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:57,360
communicator means you avoid causing

1463
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,440
offense or misunderstanding,

1464
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:02,280
you boost your credibility and maturity

1465
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,360
in other peoples’ eyes,

1466
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:05,520
and you generally keep yourself out of

1467
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:05,800
trouble!

1468
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,040
Speaking without thinking,

1469
00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:08,360
however,

1470
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,920
often occurs because we’re impatient,

1471
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:13,320
we’re conversational narcissists

1472
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:15,120
(more on this later in the book),

1473
00:45:15,120 --> 00:45:16,880
we are not good at listening,

1474
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:18,800
or simply we’re excited and get

1475
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,680
carried away with sharing what we want

1476
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:20,960
to share.

1477
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:24,880
Not everything you think and feel needs

1478
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:25,480
to be shared.

1479
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:27,920
Not everything that pops into your head

1480
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:29,320
needs to be expressed.

1481
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:33,560
To decide what qualifies an idea to be

1482
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:33,840
shared,

1483
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,560
ask yourself the following questions -

1484
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:38,360
1. Do I have good motives?

1485
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:41,280
Is what you’re going to say helpful

1486
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,640
or useful to yourself or anyone else?

1487
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:46,240
Be honest about what your motives are.

1488
00:45:46,240 --> 00:45:48,760
Many people butt in during

1489
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:50,640
conversations to share some tidbit of

1490
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,160
information that is completely

1491
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:52,600
irrelevant,

1492
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:55,320
simply because it satisfies their own

1493
00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:58,240
ego to say something and impress others.

1494
00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:02,720
Be real and assess whether what

1495
00:46:02,720 --> 00:46:04,680
you’re saying moves things forward

1496
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:06,440
and contributes to the shared goal of

1497
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:07,440
the conversation (i.e.,

1498
00:46:07,440 --> 00:46:10,720
not some hidden agenda of your own).

1499
00:46:10,720 --> 00:46:13,800
Some people will say something along

1500
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:15,400
the lines of “if you can’t say

1501
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:16,040
something nice,

1502
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:17,400
don’t say anything at all."

1503
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:18,320
But sometimes,

1504
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:20,600
you will have to express something

1505
00:46:20,600 --> 00:46:22,600
that’s not “nice,” especially if

1506
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:23,720
you are defending a boundary or

1507
00:46:23,720 --> 00:46:25,120
addressing conflict.

1508
00:46:25,120 --> 00:46:25,360
Still,

1509
00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,440
your motives should be to share any

1510
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:30,280
grievance or disagreement with the

1511
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:33,080
intention of clarifying and resolving

1512
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:33,480
it,

1513
00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:34,840
rather than to blame and shame.

1514
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:38,000
This is why motive matters.

1515
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,040
You may be able to fool the other

1516
00:46:40,040 --> 00:46:41,480
person that you are saying something

1517
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:42,880
out of concern or genuine

1518
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:43,520
misunderstanding,

1519
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:45,640
but at least be honest with yourself

1520
00:46:45,640 --> 00:46:47,920
and check whether you’re speaking for

1521
00:46:47,920 --> 00:46:48,520
some other,

1522
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:50,320
less noble reason.

1523
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:54,120
2. Is it true?

1524
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:56,400
Opinions,

1525
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:57,600
perspectives,

1526
00:46:57,600 --> 00:46:59,680
and desires are one thing.

1527
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,000
But ask if,

1528
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:01,840
beyond this,

1529
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,760
you are actually saying something you

1530
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:04,920
know to be a falsehood.

1531
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:07,400
This may seem an obvious point to

1532
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:07,920
labor,

1533
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:10,480
but often we insert little falsehoods

1534
00:47:10,480 --> 00:47:11,880
into what we say without being

1535
00:47:11,880 --> 00:47:12,600
conscious of it.

1536
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:13,760
We exaggerate,

1537
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:14,480
we minimize,

1538
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:16,680
we omit important information,

1539
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:19,800
or we present our best guess as more

1540
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:21,080
certain than it really is.

1541
00:47:21,080 --> 00:47:21,560
Again,

1542
00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:23,080
it ties into motive.

1543
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:26,520
Are we genuinely and honestly sharing

1544
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:27,920
what we know,

1545
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:29,560
or are we trying to come across as an

1546
00:47:29,560 --> 00:47:29,960
expert?

1547
00:47:29,960 --> 00:47:33,040
In the realm of our own perceptions and

1548
00:47:33,040 --> 00:47:33,640
experiences,

1549
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:34,160
of course,

1550
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:35,680
nothing is really “true” or

1551
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:36,960
“false”—it is our unique

1552
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:37,920
experience.

1553
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:39,760
But be careful that you never act as

1554
00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:41,720
though something being true for you

1555
00:47:41,720 --> 00:47:44,280
automatically makes it true for another

1556
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:44,720
person.

1557
00:47:44,720 --> 00:47:45,040
Here,

1558
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:48,080
being truthful means owning and

1559
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:50,320
acknowledging your own perspective,

1560
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:53,120
while not overstepping and behaving as

1561
00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:55,400
though that perspective were truth.

1562
00:47:55,400 --> 00:48:00,200
3. Am I breaking confidences?

1563
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:03,680
It goes without saying - never share

1564
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:06,120
something you’ve been asked to keep

1565
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:06,520
private.

1566
00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:10,320
Gossip is awful and degrades the

1567
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:10,600
speaker,

1568
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:11,480
the listener,

1569
00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:14,080
and the person being talked about in

1570
00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:14,600
equal measure,

1571
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:17,360
but you can still break confidences

1572
00:48:17,360 --> 00:48:19,680
even without technically being in

1573
00:48:19,680 --> 00:48:20,960
gossip territory.

1574
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:23,280
Ask yourself this question .- If the

1575
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:25,440
person you’re talking about was

1576
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:25,680
present,

1577
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:28,080
would they be okay with hearing what

1578
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:29,200
you’re saying about them?

1579
00:48:29,200 --> 00:48:32,680
4. Is it considerate?

1580
00:48:32,680 --> 00:48:33,160
No,

1581
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,680
you don’t always have to be kind.

1582
00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:38,040
Some situations in life call for

1583
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,760
communication even when we don’t like

1584
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,800
or approve of the person in front of

1585
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:42,280
us,

1586
00:48:42,280 --> 00:48:44,320
or where “kindness” isn’t really

1587
00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:44,840
appropriate.

1588
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:47,040
But you do have to be civil,

1589
00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:47,640
polite,

1590
00:48:47,640 --> 00:48:48,880
and considerate.

1591
00:48:48,880 --> 00:48:50,880
You do have to show the other person a

1592
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:53,600
degree of non-negotiable respect.

1593
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:55,440
Sometimes,

1594
00:48:55,440 --> 00:48:57,200
what you want to say may be true,

1595
00:48:57,200 --> 00:48:58,720
it may be necessary,

1596
00:48:58,720 --> 00:49:00,680
and you may be well within your rights

1597
00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:03,280
to say it—but that still doesn’t

1598
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:04,840
entitle you to be rude about it.

1599
00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:06,160
In this case,

1600
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,840
remember that etiquette and manners are

1601
00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:11,200
not something you do merely for the

1602
00:49:11,200 --> 00:49:12,160
other person’s sake,

1603
00:49:12,160 --> 00:49:15,520
but something you do to communicate a

1604
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:17,080
degree of respect for yourself.

1605
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:19,880
An option is to use the THINK

1606
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:22,360
acronym—which stands for True,

1607
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:22,920
Helpful,

1608
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:24,280
Inspiring,

1609
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:25,040
Necessary,

1610
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:26,320
or Kind.

1611
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,200
As we’ve seen,

1612
00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:30,120
you don’t need to have all of these,

1613
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:33,200
but if what you want to say ticks only

1614
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:34,000
one or two boxes,

1615
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:36,640
you’re probably better off keeping

1616
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,720
silent or rewording your message.

1617
00:49:38,720 --> 00:49:41,760
All of this can only be achieved when

1618
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,400
you do something essential - stop and

1619
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:45,160
think.

1620
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:47,800
Get into the habit of pausing before

1621
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:48,080
you talk,

1622
00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:50,560
or even just mentally pausing.

1623
00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:52,920
Even a few seconds of forethought can

1624
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:54,800
be enough (deep down,

1625
00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:56,680
we usually know whether something is a

1626
00:49:56,680 --> 00:49:58,640
good idea or not even without going

1627
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:00,800
through the above questions—we just

1628
00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:01,920
need to slow down enough to realize

1629
00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:03,240
that we know!).

1630
00:50:03,240 --> 00:50:05,240
If you’re not really sure,

1631
00:50:05,240 --> 00:50:07,640
then err on the side of staying silent.

1632
00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:09,720
It’s always possible to speak up

1633
00:50:09,720 --> 00:50:09,920
later;

1634
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,160
it’s never possible to un-say

1635
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:13,640
what’s already been said.

1636
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:18,400
Understanding “Clean Communication”

1637
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:18,400
.

1638
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:22,760
Imagine that a woman says to her

1639
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:23,040
husband,

1640
00:50:23,040 --> 00:50:25,680
“Can you please take out the trash?"

1641
00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,160
Now imagine that she instead says,

1642
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,480
“Can you please take out the trash

1643
00:50:30,480 --> 00:50:32,120
for a change?"

1644
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:35,440
You can probably see which one is

1645
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:36,680
“clean” communication,

1646
00:50:36,680 --> 00:50:38,440
and which one is a little dirty.

1647
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:42,200
Saying “for a change” adds a

1648
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:44,400
hostile blaming element that is not

1649
00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:45,440
part of the main message,

1650
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:47,720
but forms a secondary piece of

1651
00:50:47,720 --> 00:50:48,400
communication.

1652
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:52,720
This charge may be added in consciously

1653
00:50:52,720 --> 00:50:53,720
or unconsciously.

1654
00:50:53,720 --> 00:50:55,360
On the other hand,

1655
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:55,840
clean,

1656
00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:58,760
smooth communication conveys a message

1657
00:50:58,760 --> 00:51:01,040
without adding in any kind of

1658
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:02,280
“negative charge."

1659
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,880
Any time your communication is serving

1660
00:51:04,880 --> 00:51:06,960
a double role of delivering extra

1661
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:07,480
shame,

1662
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:07,960
anger,

1663
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:09,040
ridicule,

1664
00:51:09,040 --> 00:51:10,520
guilt-tripping,

1665
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:11,600
manipulation,

1666
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:12,080
lies,

1667
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:12,640
and so on,

1668
00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:14,440
it’s no longer clean.

1669
00:51:14,440 --> 00:51:17,720
Imagine the husband hears the second

1670
00:51:17,720 --> 00:51:19,560
phrase from above and responds,

1671
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:21,680
“Take it out yourself."

1672
00:51:21,680 --> 00:51:24,040
The wife may then (rightly)

1673
00:51:24,040 --> 00:51:25,720
see this as an attack and respond,

1674
00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:27,480
“Why are you so mean to me?

1675
00:51:27,480 --> 00:51:30,040
All I did was ask you nicely to take

1676
00:51:30,040 --> 00:51:31,000
the trash out!"

1677
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:32,720
As you can imagine,

1678
00:51:32,720 --> 00:51:33,480
a fight ensues,

1679
00:51:33,480 --> 00:51:36,360
in part because the wife’s initial

1680
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:39,200
communication was unconsciously unclean.

1681
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:42,120
That didn’t stop her husband from

1682
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:43,760
responding to what she was really

1683
00:51:43,760 --> 00:51:44,480
communicating!

1684
00:51:44,480 --> 00:51:49,200
Whether consciously unclean (arguably a

1685
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:50,400
bit easier to deal with)

1686
00:51:50,400 --> 00:51:52,280
or unconsciously unclean,

1687
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,640
this type of communication is a kind of

1688
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:56,280
anti-communication.

1689
00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:58,400
It creates misunderstandings,

1690
00:51:58,400 --> 00:51:59,600
hurt feelings,

1691
00:51:59,600 --> 00:52:00,960
and barriers.

1692
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,960
Have you ever had a conversation with

1693
00:52:03,960 --> 00:52:05,640
someone who on the surface seemed to be

1694
00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:07,760
saying and doing all the right things,

1695
00:52:07,760 --> 00:52:10,560
but you still somehow felt bad

1696
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:11,200
afterward?

1697
00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:13,600
Maybe you had a weird physical

1698
00:52:13,600 --> 00:52:14,440
sensation in your gut,

1699
00:52:14,440 --> 00:52:16,560
or you felt like something was amiss.

1700
00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:19,680
It might have felt like you were being

1701
00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:19,840
lied to,

1702
00:52:19,840 --> 00:52:20,760
manipulated,

1703
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:23,960
or subtly insulted ...chances are,

1704
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,800
you were the recipient of some unclean

1705
00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:27,640
communication.

1706
00:52:27,640 --> 00:52:29,760
Let’s take a look at another example.

1707
00:52:29,760 --> 00:52:31,560
The wife says to the husband,

1708
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:34,120
“Can you please take the trash out?"

1709
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:35,800
The husband hears this and,

1710
00:52:35,800 --> 00:52:37,600
in his mind,

1711
00:52:37,600 --> 00:52:39,200
interprets it to mean something like,

1712
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:42,000
“You’re a lazy good-for-nothing and

1713
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:44,520
I have to talk to you like a child!"

1714
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:46,520
He responds in the same way,

1715
00:52:46,520 --> 00:52:48,440
“Take it out yourself!"

1716
00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:49,880
As you can see,

1717
00:52:49,880 --> 00:52:51,800
the misunderstanding is now on the part

1718
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:53,200
of the listener/receiver.

1719
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:53,600
Here,

1720
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:55,680
the husband is overly sensitive,

1721
00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:57,560
and has allowed his own issues to

1722
00:52:57,560 --> 00:52:59,760
distort the message he’s receiving.

1723
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:00,120
Again,

1724
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:02,760
the communication is unclean.

1725
00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:07,200
Whether snags happen on side A or side

1726
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:07,640
B,

1727
00:53:07,640 --> 00:53:09,720
and whether they are done consciously

1728
00:53:09,720 --> 00:53:10,400
or unconsciously,

1729
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:13,000
they can degrade communication.

1730
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:14,320
Even worse,

1731
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:17,160
little snares and hiccups can compound

1732
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:17,440
over time,

1733
00:53:17,440 --> 00:53:20,040
creating animus and a feeling of

1734
00:53:20,040 --> 00:53:21,880
negativity that is hard to shift once

1735
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:22,520
it’s underway.

1736
00:53:22,520 --> 00:53:26,480
This “toxic residue” can lead to

1737
00:53:26,480 --> 00:53:29,720
more intense conflict in time or even a

1738
00:53:29,720 --> 00:53:30,280
big blow out,

1739
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:32,240
so it’s best to keep on top of

1740
00:53:32,240 --> 00:53:33,840
communication as it happens,

1741
00:53:33,840 --> 00:53:34,960
practicing,

1742
00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:35,360
if you will,

1743
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:37,480
a kind of routine “communication

1744
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:38,080
hygiene."

1745
00:53:38,080 --> 00:53:40,840
This cleans up little misunderstandings

1746
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:42,880
and conflicts before they become big

1747
00:53:42,880 --> 00:53:43,120
ones.

1748
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,200
You’ll know that there is some

1749
00:53:45,200 --> 00:53:46,880
residue in your communication with

1750
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:49,720
someone when one or both of you feels -

1751
00:53:49,720 --> 00:53:50,920
A little wary,

1752
00:53:50,920 --> 00:53:51,480
nervous,

1753
00:53:51,480 --> 00:53:53,120
or uncomfortable.

1754
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:55,880
Any combativeness and defensiveness.

1755
00:53:55,880 --> 00:53:56,560
Lies,

1756
00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:57,880
deception,

1757
00:53:57,880 --> 00:53:59,440
or lowered trust.

1758
00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:02,600
General upset or high emotional

1759
00:54:02,600 --> 00:54:03,240
intensity.

1760
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:03,600
Now,

1761
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:07,120
the “dirt” in communication can be

1762
00:54:07,120 --> 00:54:07,880
accidental,

1763
00:54:07,880 --> 00:54:09,520
or it can be deliberate.

1764
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:11,040
If it’s accidental,

1765
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:12,720
the idea is to stop,

1766
00:54:12,720 --> 00:54:14,320
take a step back,

1767
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:15,160
and address it.

1768
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:18,080
Many innocent mistakes turn

1769
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:20,720
not-so-innocent if not addressed in

1770
00:54:20,720 --> 00:54:21,200
this way.

1771
00:54:21,200 --> 00:54:21,680
“Hey,

1772
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:25,920
I just wanted to talk to you about

1773
00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:26,360
something.

1774
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:28,600
You asked me earlier to take the trash

1775
00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:29,080
out,

1776
00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:31,560
and it felt like you were kind of

1777
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,400
implying that I don’t pull my weight

1778
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:34,120
or something.

1779
00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:35,720
I don’t know if I’ve got that

1780
00:54:35,720 --> 00:54:36,040
wrong;

1781
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,400
is that what you were trying to say?"

1782
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:40,600
Importantly,

1783
00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:41,920
in addressing something,

1784
00:54:41,920 --> 00:54:44,360
you need to work hard not to introduce

1785
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:45,560
more unclean language!

1786
00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:45,880
If,

1787
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:46,840
however,

1788
00:54:46,840 --> 00:54:48,840
the unclean communication is intended,

1789
00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:51,600
then the approach is to go in to

1790
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:53,280
conflict resolution.

1791
00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:53,680
“Well,

1792
00:54:53,680 --> 00:54:55,760
actually,

1793
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:56,960
if we’re going to be honest about it,

1794
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,240
I have been feeling like I’m doing

1795
00:54:59,240 --> 00:55:00,720
too much of the housework lately."

1796
00:55:00,720 --> 00:55:00,840
The thing is,

1797
00:55:00,840 --> 00:55:05,480
communication can be clean even during

1798
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:06,840
conflict.

1799
00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,480
So long as messages are being shared

1800
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,360
without introducing extra negativity,

1801
00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:13,400
then the conversation is clean and

1802
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:15,120
likely to be productive.

1803
00:55:15,120 --> 00:55:18,720
First make a promise to yourself that

1804
00:55:18,720 --> 00:55:21,480
you will use clean language as often as

1805
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:22,160
you can.

1806
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:24,320
Make a commitment that you will be

1807
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:25,280
straightforward,

1808
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:25,720
honest,

1809
00:55:25,720 --> 00:55:27,320
and respectful,

1810
00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:29,160
and will never resort to

1811
00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:30,040
underhandedness,

1812
00:55:30,040 --> 00:55:31,600
passive aggression,

1813
00:55:31,600 --> 00:55:33,040
or innuendo.

1814
00:55:33,040 --> 00:55:35,840
This takes a degree of conscious

1815
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:37,880
maturity as well as discipline.

1816
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:41,200
According to clean communication

1817
00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:42,520
experts Matthew McKay,

1818
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:43,840
Patrick Fanning,

1819
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:45,120
and Kim Paleg,

1820
00:55:45,120 --> 00:55:48,040
the ideal communication attitude is

1821
00:55:48,040 --> 00:55:50,640
"taking responsibility for the effect

1822
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:51,760
of what you say."

1823
00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:55,160
It also means owning the consequences

1824
00:55:55,160 --> 00:55:55,800
of your speech,

1825
00:55:55,800 --> 00:55:56,800
even,

1826
00:55:56,800 --> 00:55:58,880
and maybe especially if,

1827
00:55:58,880 --> 00:56:01,120
you’re not quite conscious of what

1828
00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:01,600
you’re doing.

1829
00:56:01,600 --> 00:56:05,080
Do your best to create a conversational

1830
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:06,720
space where you can work honestly and

1831
00:56:06,720 --> 00:56:09,480
respectfully through any conflicts or

1832
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,080
disagreements.

1833
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:12,160
Leave out harmful speech,

1834
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:13,760
accusations,

1835
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:15,120
“barbed” language,

1836
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:17,840
and insinuations that might hurt and

1837
00:56:17,840 --> 00:56:20,280
attack another person—and do it no

1838
00:56:20,280 --> 00:56:22,400
matter how upset or wronged you feel.

1839
00:56:22,400 --> 00:56:27,320
Follow the “ten commandments of clean

1840
00:56:27,320 --> 00:56:28,680
language” to keep you on the straight

1841
00:56:28,680 --> 00:56:30,840
and narrow and spare yourself and

1842
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:33,000
others a load of unnecessary drama -

1843
00:56:33,000 --> 00:56:37,240
1. Don’t use judgment words and

1844
00:56:37,240 --> 00:56:39,760
loaded terms (“pigsty” or

1845
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:40,440
“lazy”).

1846
00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:43,840
2. Don’t use “global” labels,

1847
00:56:43,840 --> 00:56:44,200
i.e.,

1848
00:56:44,200 --> 00:56:48,160
make sweeping generalizations or use

1849
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:50,760
absolute statements (“you haven’t

1850
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:52,480
taken out the trash in two weeks”

1851
00:56:52,480 --> 00:56:55,240
rather than “you’re an untidy

1852
00:56:55,240 --> 00:56:58,080
person,” which takes a swipe at the

1853
00:56:58,080 --> 00:56:59,080
person’s entire being,

1854
00:56:59,080 --> 00:57:00,560
not just their behavior).

1855
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:05,280
3. Don’t send “you” messages of

1856
00:57:05,280 --> 00:57:07,440
blame and accusation (“I’m

1857
00:57:07,440 --> 00:57:10,560
stressed” is better than “you’re

1858
00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:11,800
stressing me”).

1859
00:57:11,800 --> 00:57:16,440
4. Stay away from old history—stick

1860
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:19,640
to the issue at hand and let bygones go.

1861
00:57:19,640 --> 00:57:24,800
5. Avoid negative comparisons

1862
00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:27,720
(“You’re a slob just like my ex

1863
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:28,160
was”).

1864
00:57:28,160 --> 00:57:31,760
6. Never threaten,

1865
00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:35,840
even subtly (“If you can’t be

1866
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:36,600
bothered to do the trash,

1867
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:39,600
it makes me wonder why I bother to do

1868
00:57:39,600 --> 00:57:40,360
any of my chores”).

1869
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:44,440
Control and manipulation only create

1870
00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:45,960
escalating defensiveness.

1871
00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:50,840
7. Describe your feelings rather than

1872
00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:53,480
use them as a weapon or a “point”

1873
00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:54,640
you’ve scored (“You’ve really

1874
00:57:54,640 --> 00:57:57,680
gone and riled me up this morning!

1875
00:57:57,680 --> 00:57:59,760
Why do you always insist on hurting me

1876
00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:00,240
like this?”).

1877
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:04,280
8. Keep your body language open,

1878
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:05,040
relaxed,

1879
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:06,240
and receptive.

1880
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:09,400
Call off a difficult conversation until

1881
00:58:09,400 --> 00:58:09,960
you’re calmer,

1882
00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:10,720
if necessary.

1883
00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:15,400
9. Use whole messages.

1884
00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:18,800
Incomplete messages are more likely to

1885
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:19,880
be taken out of context.

1886
00:58:19,880 --> 00:58:22,800
A whole message contains observations,

1887
00:58:22,800 --> 00:58:23,480
thoughts,

1888
00:58:23,480 --> 00:58:24,280
feelings,

1889
00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:26,320
and needs/wants.

1890
00:58:26,320 --> 00:58:27,520
For example,

1891
00:58:27,520 --> 00:58:30,680
“I see the trash is piling up

1892
00:58:30,680 --> 00:58:31,960
(observation),

1893
00:58:31,960 --> 00:58:34,120
and I realize you haven’t taken it

1894
00:58:34,120 --> 00:58:35,440
out for a long time (thoughts).

1895
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:38,720
When I see that I have to do it,

1896
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:39,920
even though it’s your chore,

1897
00:58:39,920 --> 00:58:43,120
I feel overwhelmed and annoyed.

1898
00:58:43,120 --> 00:58:46,400
I’d really like for you to keep up

1899
00:58:46,400 --> 00:58:47,960
your end of the housework as we agreed

1900
00:58:47,960 --> 00:58:50,320
(wants/needs)."

1901
00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:50,680
10.

1902
00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:52,160
Be clear.

1903
00:58:52,160 --> 00:58:54,960
If you have a question,

1904
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:55,440
ask.

1905
00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:57,480
If you want something,

1906
00:58:57,480 --> 00:58:58,600
request it.

1907
00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:01,040
Avoid using passive language,

1908
00:59:01,040 --> 00:59:02,120
innuendo,

1909
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:05,600
or hints (“Is there some special

1910
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,240
reason you’ve decided to let us all

1911
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:08,840
live in filth,

1912
00:59:08,840 --> 00:59:09,640
or ...?”).

1913
00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:12,040
Be direct and clear.

1914
00:59:12,040 --> 00:59:12,680
Summary -

1915
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:17,160
•Poor communication arises as a

1916
00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:19,040
result of a mismatch of perspectives,

1917
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:19,840
approach,

1918
00:59:19,840 --> 00:59:21,480
or conversational skill.

1919
00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:24,600
People process information differently,

1920
00:59:24,600 --> 00:59:26,560
but to avoid misunderstandings,

1921
00:59:26,560 --> 00:59:29,240
communicate consciously and use the

1922
00:59:29,240 --> 00:59:31,000
“ladder of inference."

1923
00:59:31,000 --> 00:59:33,360
It shows the unique way that people use

1924
00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:35,360
their experiences to make meaning -

1925
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:38,880
observations > selected data > meanings

1926
00:59:38,880 --> 00:59:41,880
> assumptions > conclusions > beliefs >

1927
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:43,280
actions.

1928
00:59:43,280 --> 00:59:46,600
•Conflict can occur when people are

1929
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:47,480
on different rungs.

1930
00:59:47,480 --> 00:59:49,080
To improve communication,

1931
00:59:49,080 --> 00:59:51,760
see where people are and how their

1932
00:59:51,760 --> 00:59:54,160
ladder of inference is working for

1933
00:59:54,160 --> 00:59:54,640
them,

1934
00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:56,040
then speak to that,

1935
00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:57,280
in sequence,

1936
00:59:57,280 --> 00:59:59,440
and without blame or shame.

1937
00:59:59,440 --> 01:00:02,920
•Good communicators deliberately

1938
01:00:02,920 --> 01:00:05,280
create their own frames during

1939
01:00:05,280 --> 01:00:08,040
conversations and position their line

1940
01:00:08,040 --> 01:00:10,400
of thinking by using specially chosen

1941
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:10,840
words,

1942
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:11,520
expressions,

1943
01:00:11,520 --> 01:00:12,400
and images.

1944
01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:15,560
Change frames and you change meaning.

1945
01:00:15,560 --> 01:00:18,520
•Deliberately engineer your

1946
01:00:18,520 --> 01:00:20,800
conversational frame and invite the

1947
01:00:20,800 --> 01:00:23,200
other person in using pre-existing

1948
01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:24,840
concepts they’re familiar with to

1949
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:26,760
improve the chances they’ll be

1950
01:00:26,760 --> 01:00:27,600
receptive.

1951
01:00:27,600 --> 01:00:29,560
Remember that reality is fixed,

1952
01:00:29,560 --> 01:00:32,320
but the meaning of reality is dynamic

1953
01:00:32,320 --> 01:00:33,920
and subject to change.

1954
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:37,680
•Chunking is about the way we group

1955
01:00:37,680 --> 01:00:38,200
information.

1956
01:00:38,200 --> 01:00:41,520
Chunking up is grouping specific

1957
01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:43,720
instances into a larger overall

1958
01:00:43,720 --> 01:00:45,920
abstract pattern or theory,

1959
01:00:45,920 --> 01:00:48,720
while chunking down makes inferences

1960
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:50,560
from the general to the specific.

1961
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:53,240
Keeping the level of detail varied and

1962
01:00:53,240 --> 01:00:55,880
appropriate creates a better flowing

1963
01:00:55,880 --> 01:00:57,440
conversation than one that relies too

1964
01:00:57,440 --> 01:00:59,480
heavily on chunking up or chunking down.

1965
01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:02,200
•It is a mistake to think that

1966
01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:03,000
authenticity,

1967
01:01:03,000 --> 01:01:03,440
expression,

1968
01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:06,040
and sincerity are enough—how we

1969
01:01:06,040 --> 01:01:08,400
articulate ourselves matters.

1970
01:01:08,400 --> 01:01:11,560
Consciously filter what you say .- Is

1971
01:01:11,560 --> 01:01:12,960
it true,

1972
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:13,560
kind,

1973
01:01:13,560 --> 01:01:14,680
and helpful?

1974
01:01:14,680 --> 01:01:18,120
•Take responsibility for what you say

1975
01:01:18,120 --> 01:01:19,440
and practice clean

1976
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:20,560
communication—i.e.,

1977
01:01:20,560 --> 01:01:23,800
without hidden negative meanings.

1978
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:28,600
This has been

1979
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:30,920
How to Speak Effectively:

1980
01:01:30,920 --> 01:01:31,640
Influence,

1981
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:32,560
Engage,

1982
01:01:32,560 --> 01:01:39,640
& Charm (How to be More Likable and Charismatic Book 29) Written by

1983
01:01:39,640 --> 01:01:46,720
Patrick King,  narrated by russell newton.