So I was recently diagnosed with A DHD, attention deficit hyperactive Disorder. And here's the thing, I don't actually resonate with a lot of the content that I see online about A DHD. And I guess that's because my A DHD has never looked like the hyperactive stereotype. Maybe, you'll prove me wrong, or someone else will tell me that that's not correct.

But , IE my partner. Because I've never really felt like the person that's been bouncing off the walls talking too fast, being super disruptive. All of the cliche A DHD traits that we kind of think about when we think of A DHD. For me, the experience of A DHD was internal. I had immense chaos in my mind.

Noise, unrelenting noise, inner critic, so much so that it would stop me from sleeping. Two to three times a week and I'd have severe insomnia. The fatigue, like absolutely crippling fatigue. So much so that I'd be in bed at 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning having just done the shopping, and that was it.

And I was floored. I had to go to bed for a nap, at 33, which is not normal. the spiraling of my emotions, you, good or bad, being able to go from zero to a thousand rage in a millisecond, which is something I'm not overly proud of, and something I've always kept very personal. But also be able to go from like rage to like soft and emotional and vulnerable in a microsecond as well.

And then the constant need to self monitor, self protect very much keep annoying myself so that I don't say or do the wrong thing, which is interesting considering that I've had this podcast for so long.

 Welcome to the Nurse Preneur Academy podcast, where nurses like you discover how to break free from the bedside and build a flexible, profitable business using the skills, knowledge, and experiences you already have. I'm your host, theam Caswell, an RN turn full-time six-figure nurse preneur. In 2021, everything changed for me in my career.

I left my senior nursing role to build an online nurse-led personal brand, one that gives me the freedom to work from anywhere, leverage the skills the hospital paid me to learn and create. Both the income and impact. I always knew I was capable of. Now it's your turn. I'm here to show you the possibilities beyond bedside and help you transition into a nurse-led business that fits your needs and life.

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 This is the episode that I wish someone had made. When I was trying to make sense of A DHD, this is gonna be a shorter episode.

I don't have it all worked at. I definitely don't know everything about A DHD, and this is very, very new for me. I'm talking like a couple of months. Of course, I've had it my whole life and I haven't been able to know that or articulate that and be able to put words to it. So there's a lot of things that I'm gonna be.

Talking about today that are new, raw, and I might not be completely across. Okay? So there's not medical advice. It is just my lived experience. And the reason why I wanna talk about this is because. I think that there are more people that are undiagnosed neurodivergent and within nursing because I think nursing would attract people that would want to help and care for other people because of certain circumstances and reasons that one of them may be neurodivergence.

and I just wanna raise people's awareness. Okay. So why am I even talking about this? Well, I actually posted a couple of posts on Instagram that like kinda went viral for me around. Five signs that I missed a DHD as a nurse and I had a lot of messages and comments and dms from people. And it just got me thinking about maybe this is a hugely underserved population of human beings.

Well, I know it is. And it's been in the media of late around the rise of people being diagnosed with a DHD and of course that comes with a lot of people. just saying things like, well, everybody's got a bit of a DHD that's my lived experience. Like does that mean I've got a DHD? I can only talk to my experience and what I'm learning is that everyone's experience is so different and that nothing is the same for anyone on this spectrum of neurodivergence.

And so I just want to make sure. We approach it with like a really compassionate, kind, reflective lens that is not kind of just like, oh, A DHD is for people that are lazy because like, I think that that's why I don't resonate with a lot of the content online. ' cause I don't even think the word lazy is in my repertoire.

Like I'm lazy when I'm fatigued and I can't move off the bed. But other than that, I'm like one of the most hyper productive. People that I know. And so I wanna share with you my experience of it, and hopefully something resonates here. So I'm sharing this because for years, and if you've listened to the podcast since 2021, thank you.

But I have been always in the pursuit of trying to find the answer, what is wrong with me? What is happening inside me? why am I able to manage a team of 50 people and manage 30 patients and a budget of a couple of million dollars, but on the weekend, like I'm so flat. I don't have kids.

Like all of the reasons why. I think other people would be like, well, it's because you've got kids and you've got a busy life. I have none of that. And yet I was literally floored on the weekends and I could not get up. I would sleep for like four hours on a Saturday between , 11 and three, four o'clock, and I lost my weekend and then I just started the cycle again.

And the same has been true in like my business. I've had signs and symptoms even in the flexibility that I've created within my business, which has just been kind of crazy to think about. So I genuinely have thought and talked about and shared with all of you and my close family and peers that I've always felt like there's been something not right.

When I say that, I don't mean it in a derogatory way, right? It's just my inner critic, but I've just literally always felt like I needed to fix myself. Like I wasn't good enough, like I was defective, I was inconsistent, I was dramatic. I was too much. I would always be the person or like I'm, I am the person, or was the person that would start something in Flake.

Like I would start a new piece on the piano and I would love it for a day, and then I would be like, never go back to it. I know so many half. Learn songs ask me to play a full song on the piano. I can't, but ask me to play the part that a lot like just little things like that over the years where I would beat myself up because I'd be like, Liam, if you just put the time and the effort in, you would be able to be successful in this space.

I always felt like I had this ability to succeed, but that it was. Tapped not in a confident, egotistical way. I just felt like I was not reaching my potential and I didn't know that all of these little things could be a DHD, for example, being exhausted all the time, literally exhausted, floored, can't get up.

have days where I wake up and nothing happened the day before, but I am completely. Unable to do anything. I can push through it, but it's like overwhelming exhaustion, like whole body somatic fatigue. Not just like, I'm tired, I had a big weekend. No, my brain is not on, it's not on, there's nothing happening.

The desire, the need to be perfect and to present this image of perfectionism, emotional overwhelm. I am a very emotional person. like, in one day I could visit like probably 50 different emotions in about an hour. I can be walking down the street and, I just feel deep

gratitude because I'm having one of those days and I get emotional or somebody is walking so slow in front of me in the city and I'm six foot two with long legs. Like I move fast and my partner's often like, why are we running? Where are we going? Like, why do we need to run? And I'm like, we're not running.

This is normal. And then I'm constantly reminded that no, like people just like walk at a really slow pace that, you know, and, but getting really angry and ragey about it and being like, why would they choose to walk so slow? Like, not being able to understand it and even saying these things out loud, I feel silly for it.

Like, I feel like it's ridiculous. But that is how my brain has worked my whole life. The constant noise and chatter inside my brain when I'm sitting watching the tv. I've got 14 different channels running in my brain. I'm still singing the song in my mind on top of all of the stories that I heard this morning at the gym.

So it's stuck in my brain and I'm replaying conversations and I'm thinking to myself, I should have said that. Maybe if I should said that, it would be different whilst I'm watching the TV and scrolling on my phone. The noise is like debilitating and it's only since I've removed the noise through using medications that now I'm like, oh my God, I have missed out on life.

I have missed out on peace and rest and genuine. Just spaciousness, an ability to sit and focus like insanity. It's, I'll talk about that more. But, shutting down after socializing. So for me, I can go out. I'm quite social. I love being in groups, but I'm always usually the clown. I'm usually the joker. I used to be much worse than I am now, but I used to feel the need to be the performer, the joker.

Front and center of the party. I would, when I used to drink, I would drink myself silly and I would be really going to that next level where I didn't need to go in order to be accepted, to be part of the pack, you name it. And so what would happen is that, of course when you're drinking, you have a hangover.

That's normal. But I haven't been drinking now for about 18 months. I have the odds drink here and there, but like I'm talking like once every quarter. If you're lucky for an event like a wedding. And again, it's just a couple of drinks. It's nothing major. But what I started to notice was when I started removing alcohol, I was still very, very tired after social events, like extremely tired, I gained fatigued and I would be wiped out for a couple of days.

And I started noticing that like I had no energy to do anything, even the things that I wanted to do. And as I started learning more about A DHD, I realized that. That is a sign of dopamine highs and lows, and the fact that people with A DHD have these peaks and troughs of dopamine and access to dopamine because they actually have neurochemical imbalance in their brain of dopamine, and potentially other.

Neurochemicals as well. And so there is actually a reason as to why you feel that way, which for me was so reassuring. 'cause I thought to myself, I literally have something sinister happening. Nursing brain. I'm like, oh, what is it? What could it be? Like, maybe I've got X, Y, and Z, you know, disease disorder pathway.

Maybe I've got this massive growth. Like all of the things were going through my mind. And then. I find out that no, like maybe it's just a neurochemical imbalance, Liam like, and that's why this is happening. Impulsive decision making, disguised as ambition, career hopping, changing jobs. Not really wanting to stay put.

Always seeking novelty, hating repetition, hating anything that requires me to do anything that I don't wanna do. Like when I was a nurse manager, rostering, no one likes rostering, but if you've got a neurotypical brain, you can just get through it, not me. I would wait until the last minute. I would do the roster and I would hate myself for leaving it to the last minute, and then I would rush through it.

I would make heaps of mistakes. I'd have heaps of changes to make. Just things that should be easy and simple that people can just commit to and do the kinda boring, mundane tasks. As someone with A DHD I'm learning now that I've not been lazy. Those things just don't light me up. I do not have the capacity to do them.

And. It takes more than it gives for me. So, for example, in my relationship, Luke is amazing and he will do a lot of the. Finance stuff I could not tell you when the bills are due, why they're Jew, how much they are. I don't know. I don't know. I, it doesn't occupy space in my brain because I've never wanted to know, and it's something that.

Luke manages, it's a Luke task. We have Luke and Liam tasks and I will do other things that like cook clean that. I prefer doing things like that 'cause they give me a head of dopamine and I kind of get rewards from them, which I didn't know until I got this diagnosis. So, and then constantly trying to fix myself.

I am not joking when I say I have been on a journey since I left my hometown at 19. I'm 33 now. I've been in a journey to fix myself. Growing up as a queer kid in a rural town in Scotland, being a musical theater nerd, not a sporty person. We all have our story. That was me being a nurse at 19.

Yeah, I qualified at 19. I started my nurse, my first job. I have always been in pursuit of like trying to become a better version of Liam because I've always felt like I wasn't good enough. , At some level because the world, if you didn't know, is better now, but it's still not amazing, about being a queer person in this world.

And we all have our things, but we would be exposed to things like that. I was bullied a lot as a kid. and so I was kind of. Trained early on in my youth to believe that there was something wrong with me for my interests, my passions. We can all relate to this story in some way, shape, or form.

So I'm definitely not a unicorn in that sense. But what that did was kind of preconditioned me to constantly feel like I wasn't good enough. And that meant that I started searching for answers through books and podcasts, through coaching, through nervous system coaching, trauma-informed coaching, psychology, psychiatry, NLP, neurolinguistic programming.

You name it, I've done it. Breath work, yoga. Exercise, fitness, nutrition. I've been trying to fix myself, which on one hand is amazing because I'm super proud of myself for doing that. But on the other hand, I feel sad that I have spent a whole life trying to. Fixed myself and to try and find the answer.

And it wasn't until this year that I realized, ironically through listening to a podcast, it was a Mel Robbins podcast and she was interviewing Gabor Mate who is, a trauma, A DHD, global psychiatry thought leader. And she was talking about. her A DHD diagnosis and the signs and symptoms, and he was talking about the link between, marginalized groups of the population.

IE for example, queer people, women, people of color, different diverse backgrounds and the link between that trauma and A DHD and I started to go, oh, interesting. I know that I experienced trauma as a kid, through bullying, but also I experienced childhood trauma. I. I took a quiz a few years ago, which is like a globally known quiz for assessing your level of childhood exposure to trauma.

It's called the ACE score, and I did that as part of our nervous system training. And I identified at that point in time that I had a high ACE score, which meant I had high exposure to trauma as a child, and as a teenager, and as a kid in general. And so I started like putting all of the dots together and I'm going, hold on a minute.

Like Mel Robbins, she's super successful. She's one of the best, podcasters globally. I don't love her podcast. I don't love her books. I'm sorry. Don't come for me. But it was a pivotal moment for me to go, okay. She's like so successful. She's not what I would think of. I don't know her, but. When I think of a D, adhd, I don't think of Mel Robbins.

Based on my limiting knowledge of it at the time. And then what Gabbo Mate was saying, I was like, oh my goodness, this sounds like me. And so I quickly put it through Chacha pt, 'cause I love Chacha pt and Chacha PT was like, possibly this, this would make sense. Trauma L-G-B-T-Q-I-A, Also there is a genetic component of A DHD, which, my dad definitely has a DHD 100%.

We've spoken about this now since I've been diagnosed, but he definitely has a DHD. And so it was like, oh, genetics, trauma. L-G-B-T-Q-I-A, I've been doing coaching therapy. it's not like I haven't been trying, but yet I still don't feel any better. And many years ago, a GP just offered me a script and said, here, take an antidepressant.

And I think I was like 28 at the time, and I was like, I'm not taking an antidepressant. Like it's, I don't want you to just throw meds at me. I was 15 kilos overweight. I was drinking, I was overeating. Like that's not the solution. And the symptoms of those medications were what I was already experiencing.

I was like, I don't need more of those symptoms. so I didn't do it at the time, and he just said, oh, you're having a quarter life crisis, which I thought was fascinating now on reflection, but pulling all of that data together, I was like, oh, this could be it. This could be the thing. And so I went to.

Look, my partner told him about it. He was like, okay, well explore it. What do you need to do? Like, what are the next steps? And so I had a call with my psychologist who I've worked with for years, and I asked her and I said, what do you think? Like, should I do a test for this? Do you think it would be valuable based on what you know about me?

We've worked together for about two years in total over the last five years. What do you think? And I've recently just gone back to psychology and she said to me, Liam, Yeah, let's assess it like it would make sense, but it's not something that I've really ever kind of thought about with you.

However, let's do the test. So I did the test, which was an online kinda validated tool test that psychologists psychiatrists use. there was two of them. And I got the result back from her straight away. And she was like, oh, you score in like the high percentile for A DHD. Like, it's very high. I think it was like 80 or 75, 80%.

And she said, I, I do recommend that you pursue this. And I went back to her and I said, are you sure? Like, we've never really talked about this. I don't know. Like I just heard it on a podcast and it feels a little bit like. Crazy. but I resonate with so much of it, and I felt seen for the first time in a long time.

And she said to me, I, definitely think you should pursue this. Like, I think you should pursue it. And so the journey began and I pursued it and I, chose to go private because the public waiting list was ridiculous. It was gonna be like 12 months. I could not sit with that hanging over me for 12 months.

I just could not do it. it's just how I'm wired. And so I found a provider that did an online assessment. I was actually booked in within two weeks, for my initial assessment. I paid for it. I think it cost me like 1200 bucks to be, assessed, which I think is pretty standard in the private space.

And I did a lot of pre questionnaires, pre-work, submitted a lot of things to them. Submitted a GP letter, a psychologist letter. my parents were assessed and quizzed. I didn't have to submit any school reports or anything like that. It'd be quite hard for me to get them. but I phoned my parents and said to 'em, Hey, I'm gonna be assessed for A DHD.

And straight away they were like, oh, I. I don't think you've got a DHD. I'm like, you were never that kid that was hyperactive and all over the place. And I was like, I know, but what I'm learning is that that's actually just one site of neurodivergence and there are so many a ways that it can present.

I think I'll have to do this for myself. I'm not asking for your permission, I'm asking for your support and for you to complete this assessment. So they did and they were honest with me and they were like, yeah, well when we do the assessment, it is probably not gonna reflect, like a DHD. And I was like, that's fine, because he takes everything into context and whatever else.

And so then I got on my assessment call and I did the assessment and it took, about an hour. And he went through like my life, my life story. I told him everything. He went through every symptom sign and symptom, diagnostic sign and symptom on the DSM, which is like the diagnostic something manual that they use to be able to diagnose A DHD.

And he went through all of it and brought it up on the screen and he talked to me about it. And I kinda shared my experiences. He was like, that's that, this is that. He helped me put words to my lived experience. Then he said to me at the end, he said, okay, thank you so much. Like, I've got enough information based on everything, and they obviously have like a dashboard, they can pull it all together.

So he was doing all that whilst he was chatting to me and he said, based on everything you've shared with me, I'm very confident I'm diagnosing you with a DHD combined type, which means I'll have the inattentive and the Hyperactive together. Yay. but he said to me in that, in that moment, he was like, but what you present with is more of the feminine experience of A DHD.

And that's probably why you don't resonate with a lot of the content and a lot of the books and a lot of the information that's online about it. And so, of course, not to detract from the female experience because I don't have ovaries and I don't, you know, I have all of. The other complexities that come with that.

But the phrasing of that was that that's why you're not resonating with that. And it makes sense because I'm a nurse and I'm a bit more , soft and gentle and empathetic and highly sensitive versus like maybe a bloke that's like, I don't know, a builder. I'm stereotyping there, but you get what I mean there.

He prescribed me a medication in that moment, had it sent to my phone and I started taking Vyvanse 30 milligrams the next day. And I'm not gonna give you the full load down of everything, but I will share the signs that I missed. but I just wanna give you the background and just want to tell you my experience of it, because I just wish that somebody had recorded this episode.

So he gave me the prescription. I went and got the meds and the next day I woke up. I took them, it was a Saturday morning. Normally on Saturdays. I'm whabam. Thank you, man. Let's go. I wake up at the crack of dawn through the week. I'll be up at like eight o'clock through on the weekend. I'm up at six.

Why? I don't know. And I wake up at six. I'm like, look, let's go. Let's get moving. And bless him. He's like, okay, whatever. We've been together for 12 years and we just get on with that. And he's just. Amazing. But anyway, I was like, let's go. We've got things to do, like groceries, all of the things. And so we didn't actually get to groceries because we had a couple of things in the house to do and I think I did some cleaning.

and then I had a, a haircut at 10 o'clock. No, I went to the gym, did cleaning. I had a haircut at 10 30. So like I cleaned the house, went to the gym, went for a walk. And all before 10 o'clock in the morning. and then I took my first dose just before I went for the haircut. And then I came back. And when I came home it was about an hour, an hour and a half.

In going to the haircut and coming back, I just felt this like wave of calm, come over me and call it placebo, call it whatever. I don't care. I'm here for it. I sat outside on the balcony in the sun with a book 'cause I just felt the sun need to like, I just need to. I just felt so chill. I just felt ridiculously chill.

I went and sat outside. Luke was out there, pottering around, and I said to him, I was like, is this what you've experienced your whole life? Is this what your brain is like? Like there's nothing happening in my brain right now. Like I'm having to create stories in my brain to make me feel safe because I'm so used to having just narratives running the whole time I was like, I genuinely have nothing going through my brain.

And he was like, yeah, that's how I've lived my whole life. And up until that point I was like. I doubt that I have a DHD Even after being diagnosed, I was like, I don't have a HD. Like, this is ridiculous. There's no way. Like, I'm gonna find out in the years's time that I've been misdiagnosed and, you know, I was like, is even a doctor?

Like I'm checking out pr, like I'm doing all of the things. I'm like, oh my God, did I just buy a diagnosis? Like literally that. Those were the thoughts that were going through my mind. And I was like, no, Liam, like you're a clinician. You understand how these things work. Like people can't just buy A-C-P-C-O-P-D diagnosis.

Do you know what I mean? Like there are things, criteria that need to be met in order to be especially prescribed, a controlled drug, a neuro stimulant medication. So I sat there, calm, co collected, and I read a book for two and a half hours on a Saturday. I locked in. But comfortably locked in. You know, Luke brought me out a coffee.

He like didn't really interrupt me, just left me. And I sat there and I just remember like looking at the book, not being distracted by anything that was happening. There was noise. Nothing was bothering me. And I just remember looking at the trees that are across from our balcony and I burst into tears and I was like, I can't believe that I have lived my whole life with.

All of this chatter, this noise, this urgency, this chaos, this hyperactivity, and it's gone. Like, it was just life changing. It was a moment that I will never forget. And in that moment, it further gave me more belief in the fact that like, okay, maybe this is real. Like this is a real thing. And so that day we didn't do groceries.

Because I didn't feel urgent. I didn't feel like the world was gonna end if I didn't get the groceries on Saturday. You know? 'cause I'd created all of these micro stories and narratives. Like if I don't get them today, then tomorrow there's gonna be nothing left. And then I hate doing stuff on Sunday that I had created all these rules and manuals that made no sense.

And Luke bless him, just always came along with them. 'cause he's so tolerant and so neurotypical that he's like horizontal. and I love that because if we were both A DHD, we'd probably kill each other, but. That weekend was lovely. I had like such a cool camp collected weekend. I really enjoyed myself. I read a book.

Went for a walk, we went out for dinner. I could focus on Luke. I didn't hear everybody else's conversation. Normally, I, I could tell you what's happening around me all the time. I think it's a hypervigilant healthcare thing as well. Not just an A DHD thing. I know what people wear. I know what they said. I know their whole story 'cause I'm not listening, but I hear it and I can't help but hear it and turn it off.

Whereas on the medication. Even at 30 milligrams of Vyvanse, I was literally just locked into Luke and I was just like, oh my God. And I noticed that I was much more confident in myself as well. And so that evening, probably not the best idea, but I was invited to a party. I. With some friends that I made through a fitness competition and I met them once.

And normally I would not go to something like that without look or without someone else. 'cause I'd be like, I don't know anybody. Who am I gonna talk to? I feel quite anxious. Am I good enough? Like all of the stuff that maybe you would be surprised to hear me say. But that is how I feel, about myself or how I felt pre A DHD and pre-medications.

And so as I was getting ready to go to this party, I had no inner drama. I just chose an outfit. Normally I choose like five outfits. I chose an outfit and I, I just put it on. I said, look, I'm gonna go to this party. I'm really excited. And he was like, okay, great. I went to the party. I knew no one, I knew one person there.

it was a room full of like 50 people and I just walked the room and I felt. Absolutely fine. It's so ridiculous to speak out loud because some of your listening will be like, well, duh, like this is boring. Move on, Liam. But for me, that was the first time that I'd been to a social event. And just felt comfortable to take space to communicate, to not play small, to not shy away.

And it was life changing, literally life changing. And so I did that. I didn't sleep well the first night and then I started taking the medication more. And they say you have a bit of a honeymoon period. You have a couple of weeks where, it's great. And I definitely experienced that. And then I started noticing that my mind was getting noisier.

That I was less focused. I mean, productivity wise, I am smashing the work out of the park. My, emotional regulation is so much better. I feel super excited about waking up every day, whereas before I was kinda like, what is the purpose of life? Like, literally that was like my daily question, like, why are we here now?

I'm like, I can't wait to get to work. I can't wait to go to the gym. I can't wait to go to the, out on the weekend and see our friends. That was not me prior. To the diagnosis and the medications. So it's really helped me lift my mood. And of course, what it does is it provides neurochemical support.

It provides dopamine, right? I don't know the neurophysiology of it. I need to look into it further. But right now I'm just enjoying the wave and enjoying the fact that I have this race level of motivation, product productivity and confidence, and less anxiety in all of the things. So, a couple of weeks passed a few of the symptoms of A DHD returned.

The goal is not to get rid of them, but little did I know that 30 milligrams in Australia is kind of like a base testing dose to see how you respond. I had a couple of issues in the first few weeks. I had headaches, like really bad headaches, which I don't normally have, but also I have quite bad hay fever, so I started taking my HE fever medication alongside the Vyvanse and whatever else, and it resolved. So I don't think it was that one major issue that I've had, which kills me to see is that I cannot take coffee anymore. I cannot have a coffee. And it's funny because I used to drink like. As a nurse, I used to drink like six coffees a day.

I'd be on the coffee all day and now it makes so much sense. Now I can look back at all of the things and be like, holy shit. I was just like constantly hitting my system with dopamine so that I could get through the day. You know, the cookies at the desk, the donuts, the, I deserve five hash brands and my morning tea, I.

Never, eight, five, but you know what I mean. I need a coffee. I need to go and get another coffee from Zuki. I am not sponsored by Zuki. but I now get it. I totally get it because my brain was low dopamine and I needed hits to be able to function. And so, I went back to the psychiatrist and had a follow up appointment a month later, and he put me up to 50 milligrams.

I've been on 50 milligrams now for a couple of days, and I have to say. I feel incredible. I feel so good. You're not invincible. You're still gonna get sick and get burnt out and whatever else, but it just allows me to navigate life with more, with balance.

I did a fitness competition on Saturday morning. Normally after that I'm in bed for the rest of the day. You can't talk to me. I'm not doing anything. Don't book me in for anything. I did the fitness competition. I went out for breakfast with Luke. I then went, I washed the car, which I've been putting off for a year.

I washed the car and then I got ready 'cause Luke's parents were coming to stay. They stayed the night. We went out for dinner. Lots of socializing, lots of communication, lots of chatting. I didn't need a nap the whole day. Like that is a game changer. It might sound so ridiculous to you. That is a game changer to me.

Absolute game changer. Sunday I woke up, was tired from the workout the day before the fitness comp, but again, was able to go into the city, go and see friends in the evening. My energy balance through the day, my confidence in myself, my ability to just express what I want to express and the clarity in my brain.

And the lack of fear around like rejection and perceived rejection. Like I would just not say things 'cause I'd be worried that someone would think I was stupid or silly or, and I know everybody could say, everybody has that. But for me it was like a visceral reaction. I would take it So personally, if someone was like, oh, that's, that's ridiculous.

Or, or if they had a different opinion to me. It would really trigger what is called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which again, I don't know enough about, but all I do know is that it's a ban, your emotional nervous system triggering whenever something happens or an injustice happens, which happens a lot in healthcare, so you better believe that I was triggered a lot of the time.

So I'm now on Vyvanse 50 milligrams. This is not medical advice. This is my lived experience. I take a couple of supplements like omega threes. I've done a lot of research around it. I've got a chat GPT bot that I've trained some A DHD advisors so that I can learn more about it. And so far so good. But of course it's not all good and bad, right?

There's gonna be lots of learnings along the way, and this podcast is not gonna be an A DH ADHD podcast, but I'm gonna be sharing my perspective because it's who I am, and it's finally almost kind of given me permission to be unapologetic about the fact that I am. A male nurse or retired male nurse that is, neurodivergent, has a DHD, which I see as a superpower, not a hindrance right.

Now that I've got a plan and I know what it is, I can work with it. And a queer guy that, is allowed to take up space and stand in his queer neurodivergence, I'm just. Be who he wants to be. 'cause I've always just had that feeling of, I don't know who I am, who am I, what am I? because I've just been so good at masking, masking myself and presenting who I think you want me to be.

So that's my A DHD background. The signs that I missed, high level. Couple of signs that maybe these are not diagnostic, right, but these are things that I noticed in my career on reflection that I missed. That could potentially mean that you are a neurodivergent human being. Right? But again, this is not medical advice.

take it or leave it. It might resonate for you, it might not resonate. Resonate for you. What I will say is that so many people have messaged me that are nurses that are like, oh my God, I got diagnosed a year ago and it's changed my life. I can attest, I've been in this game for like two, three months.

It's changed my life so far and I am so excited about what is possible for me, my business, my relationships. Like I haven't even scratched the surface in this episode 'cause I don't wanna overwhelm you. But with all of the things that have changed so far, like even in my relationship with. My parents, with a look, you know, A-D-H-D-A-D-H, ADHD is love novelty.

You better believe that. Every two minutes I'm like, oh, I think I need a new partner. I think like not from a place of Luke's not amazing, just from the fact that my brain is always looking for something to fill that void of low dopamine. And of course I've been with it for 12 years and we're like super stable, whatever else.

But there have been those conversations. Where I'm just like, I don't know if this is the right thing for me, that constant questioning of whether you're in the right place, right career, right country, right Relationship is so tiring. the right business, the right offer, the right podcast name, the right branding, like it feels so overwhelming that now to just be like, everything's exactly as it should be, and.

I could have, you probably could have told me that 10 years ago, but I wouldn't have believed you. 'cause I had to go through this process. I had to go through the suffering to find the result. I had to, there was no other way here. And I'm just so, so immensely proud and grateful for past Liam continuing to just push, even though he didn't know what he was pushing towards.

It's a great lesson. And for everybody that's diagnosed, I'm sure the same is true in varying degrees. It's a great lesson and you never know. How are you gonna get there? But if you listen to your mind and your body and your nervous system and you tune into yourself, you will always guide yourself in the direction that you need to go.

That is like my woo woo wisdom from this experience is that my mind and my body, my nervous system, knew where I needed to go. Didn't know what it looked like, didn't know how long it would take. Didn't have the answers, but just the nudges. Like the fact that I never listened to Mel, Rob, Mel Robbins podcast. I just randomly listened to it on a day where I was at walking, just happened to stumble upon it and then I listened to it 'cause I felt that pool and I listened to that and then I'm here. It might sound totally made up. You might be like, oh my God. But when you listen to the signs, hopefully you can see there's patterns.

There have been things since I, I was a kid, right? That I have been masking and hiding and pretending were not there so that I could be perceived as normal. That makes me really sad because little Liam didn't get to just be little Liam. but it is what it is and we're here now. So sign number one was, I used to call myself a job gypsy.

Chronic job hopping. And, now I realize I wasn't flaky and, everything that people told me about, like, you just gotta stay put and you gotta like, probably pushed me more to chronically job hop. I had over 15 nursing jobs in 10 years in three different countries. I was constantly searching for an environment that.

Now in reflection, didn't overstimulate under stimulate or crush or crash me? That's pretty hard to find in nursing and so it would be so interesting for me to go back. Now I can't because I've deregistered, but to go back into see what it would be like being on medication and being able to deal with the overstimulation, the under stimulation.

There are so many things in healthcare that dysregulate us that would dysregulate a neurotypical person with that. Any kind of a DH, adhd, autism, or DHD add that on top of it. Oh my goodness. Like overstimulated.com that needs to be perfect. The hyper focus, the inability to hyperfocus. If you really wanna do a good job, you can't, you can't do a good job because there are so many moving pieces and the constant feeling of overwhelm and, and that inner critic noise, you're not good enough.

Like, wow. Like I can now see why. I needed to pivot and change and move and build and grow my career and how it became a strength for me. It's how I built a business in the end. So I don't wanna just be negative about it, but. I was constantly looking for the JobMine. I'd start a job, I'd love it. I'd fix the things.

And when I realized that I couldn't fix anything else because the system was fucked and the people were interesting, let's just say I'd be like, I'm moving on and I'd just move on and people would give me grief about it and then I would just make it mean something about me. But no, it's my A DHD, a hundred percent my A DH ADHD sign Two was rejection sensitivity.

So I've spoke about this. It honestly, you can't predict what it would, what it will be that will trigger you. it can be, someone pulling out in front of you in the car and you just go on an absolute tangent and rant and you don't know where it's come from. And it has you in a state for the rest of the day.

And no matter what you do, you can't shake yourself from it. it actually sounds made up. But that is something that I, I've witnessed in, in my parents, my brother, myself. And it's funny because Luke is so neurotypical that he wouldn't mind me saying that, that like, I've never seen him ever. Do that and other people as well.

Right? Luke is not just my only measure, but rejection, sensitivity, dysphoria like literally would run my life. I would be in the shower in the morning thinking about my day ahead and the conversations I would need to have with staff about performance. And I'd be rehearsing them like, I'm gonna say this and I'm gonna say that and I'm gonna say this and I don't wanna trigger them.

And so, so in one sense it was really good because it meant that I was prepared and I wasn't, like some of my managers were where they would just say. You did a shit job and you should not do that again. I would never do that 'cause I was so worried about hurting people's feelings. I feel like rejection, sensitively dysphoria as a nurse helped me be a better manager and leader because I could like read people and really empathize with them, but it also cost me a lot, cognitively, energetically, physically it drained me.

And any comments? So like any, exclusion. So I worked in one hospital where as a senior nurse, there was like a posse and they would go out and have. Breakfast and lunch together at the senior level, and I wouldn't be invited. And I used to make it mean so much about myself. I used to, over perform to compensate.

I used to try and like weasel my way in. Not like from a Brando perspective, but just I would just try too hard because I was just wanting to be accepted and seen and I couldn't understand it. My brain would not allow me to understand it, and I would even bitch about it to my manager and be like, why is it that I'm excluding.

And they, they didn't get it because they were like, why are you taking it? So personally, it's like I had this just deep sense to belong. Everybody has that. But the, the spiraling and then the three hour rant when I came home, and then the mulling it over for the next week about what I did when I did nothing.

In sand, like just ridiculous, crazy consumed my life, the internal noise. So I never have really felt that external hyperactivity. Now in reflection, maybe like the walking fast and all of that could be that, but my mind is where it was all happening. Like heavy internal chatter, overthinking, replaying conversations, arguing with myself, second guessing, self-monitoring, all of that internal noise.

Making stories up that were not even true about me, about things like, it's just it never ending constant. The fatigue we've spoken about post shift shutdowns, post social event shutdowns, even just going shopping. Like high stimulation environment, lots of decisions that need to be made. I would come home and I would need to rest.

Like, it's just crazy. Like I'd literally need to lie down from it. So I thought I was like weak. I thought I was just like, I had something sinister going on, but really it was just dopamine depletion, neurochemical neurobiology at play and. There was nothing really wrong with me outside of that, that right, that can be fixed or worked on sensory overload.

So for me, I have a love hate relationship with sensory overload. Like there are some things that absolutely drive me crazy. Like I can't wear, knitwear it we wouldn't in Australia, but in Scotland, I, I can't wear things that are scratchy that really drives me crazy. Little things like I can't sleep with.

That socks on. I know it's weird. It's not an A DHD thing, but I just can't, I, I can't go to bed without socks on. It's weird. I'm telling you all my secrets. But bright lights are really high stim, those clinical fluorescent lights not good for me. Confrontation of course, again, no one likes confrontation.

But for an A DHD nervous system and brain, it just lands differently and you're gonna be impacted by it, whereas other people can just shrug it off and move on. I would be thinking about it for months on end, and I, and Luke would be like, why are you still thinking about that? Group dynamics, not feeling like I'm good enough, cool enough, interesting enough to take up space.

But then on the flip side. When I go to theater or something that I love, I feel the sensory overload, but it like lights me up. It's just I can't explain that. I go to an event where I see someone in their prime and they're high performing and they're loving what they're doing. It just makes me feel so much joy and happiness.

So the sensory overload in that context. Supports me and gives me dopamine, but in context where I'm not into it. Like going to a music festival that's like House or EDM style music, but it will just wipe me out for the day. It's like I can't stand it. I hate it. It drives me insane. I'm like, it actually annoys me, which is just.

Why it doesn't annoy neurotypical people. They just go and they would just enjoy it and they take what they can from it. But I can't, I can't fathom it. Sign six is all about masking. So today's episode might be a surprise for some of you because some of you might be thinking. No, never thought of it, never saw it.

Whatever some of you might be like, yeah, it was dead, obviously. And how did you miss it? You're all welcome here, but I think that there is a space in the A DH ADHD neuro divergence world where people are. Super competent, successful, highly educated, organized, well presented. Like, I'll never leave the house in a hot mess.

I just don't. I like all good if you do that, but I, I can't, like, I'm like I get myself set up and whatever else. And I did all of that because I tried to present a version of myself to the world that I felt would be accepted and not questioned. And that's masking. And that's not just an A DHD thing.

I mask because I'm gay and I live in a world where it's not safe to be gay. I've been, I've walked down the street and I've been in like jeans and a t-shirt and someone's been like, oh, you're a fucking gay. You're a faggot. Like, look at your poof. Like, I've had all of that, like, and sorry for any of those two words, but.

You just think to yourself like, is it safe to be yourself in this world as a queer person? You know, Luke and I don't engage in like any public displays of affection because I don't feel safe. but I see other gay couples doing it, and it's a choice, right? It's not an A DHD thing, but, and a DHD and queerness, there's just a lot of masking, right?

So I had to, from the age of 10 when I knew I was gay. I had to present as straight, like, just think about that for a second. A 10-year-old who knows, like they don't know what they are or who they are, but they know that they're different and they have to hide it for six years because everyone around them is telling them that it's not okay.

Like it just changes you. It just changes how you see yourself. And so that constant, trying to keep up with neurotypical standards and expectations means that you're an amazing masker. And I will say this, my psychologist said to me, she said, Liam, I actually apologize for not noticing your A DHD. She said, because she said, I'll say this about you.

You are an incredible masker. Like, you are so good at masking. I said, I know. Like, I really am good at it, and I think many of us are because we, we have to be, we have to make it happen. And then sign seven was emotional intensity, so everything feels big. Even if it's not, like, even if it is literally just like emptying the dishwasher, it feels immense.

We take things immensely personally, or I do, I say we, I should not say that. I say I, and. Being deeply empathetic and deeply impacted, things really impact me. And it can be totally random or they can make complete sense. Like when we went to India and we went to Mumbai, how I didn't know I had a DHD there is beyond me because that is sensory overwhelm.

But I loved it because it was novel and it was new and there was noise and there was sounds and there was smells and there was lights and, different, just so many different things there for me to experience, taste, explore. And I also loved the novelty of being different. Like I loved the novelty of.

Being super tall and everybody's quite short. People would like be looking up at me and stopping me in the street and like, can I have a picture? Which was just ridiculous. You know, my ego was being stroked there, but like the sensory overload in that context like was amazing and it really supported my system and gave me dopamine and I loved it.

So my A DHD was not being disruptive. It wasn't the stereotypical caricature that we think of when we think of A DHD, or at least when I think of A DHD. I wasn't bouncing off the walls.

I wasn't somebody that was massively inattentive despite being diagnosed with inattentive A DHD. I wasn't the disruptive person. I wasn't always the loud one. In fact, I doubted myself and felt like an imposter more than I would be loud and overly confident. But outside I looked fine. My inside was ignored.

really, it was by myself, by my peers. By my therapist, like people didn't really see it or look for it. And I think that's just something that happens, right? Especially, in healthcare, especially in women's health. Massively. And Aboriginal Torres Strait Islander Health, there are things that are overlooked and missed all the time because, they don't present as typical way.

So this episode is for the person that doesn't feel like the stereotype. Because maybe you're dismissing the signs as well that you have, and I invite you to explore them. Don't label yourself. I invite you to explore them. So something that I didn't know when I first started learning about this is the intersection between all of the things.

I touched on this earlier. A DHD, life experience and trauma. We've all experienced trauma, some more than others. Some people by the age of 18 have experienced more trauma than somebody that's 80 will have experienced in their lifetime. That is a personal experience, right? But we've all experienced micro and microtraumas.

So A DHD plus trauma of some variety. Plus my queerness, plus my hypersensitivity. Highly sensitive person, empath, nurse self. That all has added layers to blur the picture and the masking, and they distorted how, in my perception, they distorted how my A DHD presents and looks. So they make you adapt, they make you mask.

If I'm surrounded by a group of straight men, I'm not gonna be talking about how I love Hamilton the musical, and why Beyonce is one of my favorite vocalists. Now there are gays that would do that, and I love that for them and the queer people with a DC that would talk about that. But I just wouldn't because I learned how to mask.

Because to me that doesn't feel safe. So you learn to perform safety instead of actually feeling it in your body. And so I felt like my whole life I've been shape shifting and sometimes I still think to myself, I don't really know who I am because I've worn so many masks. Because depending on who you get.

Like who I'm around and where you meet me and when you meet me, you'll get a different version of me. And the same could be true for all of us. I think that A DHD Neurodivergence, definitely adds more layers and complexity to that. I've spoken about my diagnosis, ive. I don't want to say that I'm like super ecstatic and happy, and it's amazing that I've got it now and that my life is solved and it's all happy go lucky now because the reality is I've had to grieve a lot of things and I've had to really re-identify with what I want my life to look like. Who I wanna be, how I want to show up, how I want to talk about A DHD, how it integrates into my brand, how I talk about it with people that dismiss it and tell me that it's made up to my face. There have been so many people that have told me, oh, everybody's got a DHD, you're not special.

Literally to my face and I'm just like. You would never say that to someone that's got cancer, right? You never go, hey, or depression. People do it with depression, but it's a real neurobiological neurochemical issue and evidenced by the facts that on the medications, I feel so much better.

And I'll take that and I'll run with that. And I've come to the conclusion that if you can't see that it's a real thing. It's not my job to convince you. Which is a change for me because I would normally be the person that be like, no, I'm gonna throw everything at you and be like, you need to understand this because if you don't understand it, then you're gonna misunderstand me.

And I'm like, I'm actually happy now. For people to misunderstand me and to think that I've made it up and to think that it is just something that I'm using or leveraging to get more attention. The agenda is to feel human and to feel amazing and to feel good about myself, first and foremost.

So for me, it's felt like somebody has finally turned the lights on in the room that I've been living in my whole life, and I'm finally arrived and I'm here and I'm clear and I feel clean, feel like I sound like a drug. I feel clean and just like ready to grab life by the frigging balls and run with them.

What I want to say in closing, this has been a big episode, I think I said at the start, was gonna be short episode. Welcome to A DHD Life. Welcome to Liam, and always wondering why I can't just say something in, 10 minutes, like all the podcasts that I listened to, but I'm sorry you're here, Fred. It is what?

It's so for those of you that are here that are resonating with anything, that I've spoken about today, this is my lived experience, yours will be different, but there are. Crossovers and there are things that are deeply, common and recurring within all types of neurodivergence. I've done a deep dive into a DHD and I've read like bloody 10 books in the last month about it all, because now I finish books when I start them, which is amazing, and I actually get through them and I actually retain the knowledge.

But a few of the things that I would say to you is, allow yourself to explore. What you're experiencing get support. If you think that you are on the neurodivergent spectrum and you do a bit more of a deep dive into it, give yourself access to the psychologist and the psychiatrist that you can so that you can work through it.

You're not broken. You don't need to be fixed. Despite what I said about myself earlier, you're actually amazing 'cause you've probably been a master at adapting and surviving and now it's your time to thrive. You are literally raw dogging life with no dopamine, which neurochemically means that your brain is pretty.

Running on empty, it's like driving a car without gas. We need that dopamine, and I think that it's exciting for you to allow yourself to see what your life could look like. Beyond diagnosis and Mets. Now, not everybody has a positive experience through the journey, and one thing that I will say that I think has helped me massively is that I did not just rely on the pills to make me better.

I have been working on myself for five to 10 years, like coaching therapy. For five to 10 years trying to lose weight. I've dialed in my exercise, my fitness, my nutrition. I've been hyper fixated in all of that stuff. My self coaching, my nervous system, all of the things. And so there's a common phrase in the A DH ADHD world, that it's not just about the pills, it's about the pills and skills.

And I guess the same could be true about any condition or any disease pathway or disorder pathway. It is all about. How you set yourself up for success and what you can control, and then taking the medications to be able to take you to the next level, okay. And to support you, to lead, to create, feel the way that you want to live your life as you move forward.

So I'm just super grateful for your time today. I am super grateful for past me in. Gosh, doing the work and putting myself out there, I've shed so many tears over this stuff. What was supposed to be a beautiful 18 months in Paris was a beautiful 18 months in Paris, but I, that was the height of all of it.

For me. It was pretty bad. Was very low and. Now looking back, it's like I can't wait to live life. I feel like I've just started to, I've been rebirthed to said that to Luke. I feel like I've been rebirthed and I'm really excited for what the future holds. So if anything's resonated here, if you have any questions, you want to ask me something personal or you want to just run something by me, I'm not a doctor, not an A DHD specialist.

I'm role dogging this. I've literally been diagnosed two, three months ago. But I'm here for it. Send me a message at the Entrepreneur Academy. You're amazing. Be so kind to yourself. And I will see you in the next episode, my friend.

 A pay rise bedside nursing could never provide freedom from hospital politics and the flexibility to work on your own terms without the shift work. You my friend, are one step closer to creating your bedside escape plan. I want to hear your insights, takeaways, and questions. Connect with me over on Instagram at Nurse Preneur Academy or email me at hello@liamcaswell.com.

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