Welcome back to another episode of Getting Real with Bossy, the podcast that tells you what it's really like to be a business owner.

Today's guest is Abby F.

Large and we are going to tell you what that means later.

But Abby is Forbes top financial security professional at Lenox Advisors.

With decades in the financial service services world, Abby brings a sharp focus to estate planning, protection products and and making sure families are truly prepared for life's toughest curve balls.

She's also a powerful voice in the often overlooked influence women have in financial decision making, how to balance career and caregiving, and why legacy is about more than just numbers.

So join us and let's dive into a real conversation with someone who knows how to make the financial world feel just a little bit more human.

Welcome.

Thank you, Kelly.

So happy to have you.

I'm so happy to be here.

Money is something we talk about in Bossy so much.

It is such a scary word for women.

We talk about why that is so many reasons.

We're just, we were raised differently than, than our brothers.

Money and financial planning wasn't discussed with us as young people and even into adulthood.

There are so many reasons why just money tends to be a scary thing to talk about.

And as we grow into womanhood and business ownership, it is something we need to be comfortable talking about.

So we're so excited to have you on the show.

So welcome.

Thank you.

This topic is, it's very hot these days.

I seem talking about it a lot and I've been doing this for 31 years and when I first started, well, first of all, I'm in an industry that's dominated by men, right.

And so I was one of the first few women that made it, I guess, and have the longevity that I have.

But I have seen a lot in my three decades of doing this and most of the time it's the men that I talk to about their partner or their wife or what have you and they always, you know, in the past they would say, yeah, she's not interested in this kind of planning or you know, it's just confusing, just deal with me.

And I kind of, you know, went with that in the beginning.

But as I've matured and I have experienced, it's a non negotiable for me now not to include the woman or the wife, you know, the wife or the partner, whatever, because I don't.

They say they're not interested really, they're not interested in making sure they can stay in the house if something happens to you.

They're not interested in making sure that their kids, your kids, can go to college financially.

She's not interested in making sure that there's enough money to live a long life.

How are you saying she's not interested?

And that's just, it's just, it doesn't happen.

So it's a non negotiable for me now to meet the partner, meet the spouse, to tell them who I am, what I do.

Because even if they're not interested in getting in the weeds, it's important to know who I am.

Because if something happens, they know me, they can call me, they don't need to speak to strangers.

If they're not interested in getting the weeds or if they are interested in getting the weeds, they have an opinion and it's important to bring to the table because there's a dynamic between the two people.

Now you mentioned the money word and how we never talk about it, et cetera, et cetera.

And what when you get the decision makers of a home in front of, you know, front and center, you're really able to, to get them to understand that it's important to talk about money in front of the kids early and often.

Absolutely.

They think it's taboo and it's not.

And I can't tell you how many times, even last night I had a discovery call with a couple, a young couple with three children.

She grew up in a bit privileged and he grew up where the, you know, not so much.

And she never was taught about debt or credit or investing, saving, philanthropy, never taught.

And so she felt a little bit defeated and a little unempowered, should we say.

And it resonated to her not having a voice which is not okay.

It's not okay.

And so, you know, these are bold conversations that you have to have.

And if I'm not having them, who is?

So I feel very strongly about making bold statements in a professional way so that they stop the madness of not talking about money and not planning and not budgeting and not talking about cash flows, inflows.

I can't tell you how many times I had to ask what is your monthly expenses?

Like they don't know.

And it's.

Thankfully they're talking to a financial advisor.

Thankfully they're doing that check on their.

Good for you.

But there's some work to be done, right?

There's some undoing to be done, bad habits, things like that.

So I think it's really imperative for all the listeners out there that have young children to start talking about money at the dinner Table.

And it's really important.

It should not be a taboo thing.

Because money is a thing.

It's a thing.

It's a noun, but it could become a verb.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

So it's so important to be comfortable about just talking openly about saving, investing, spending, giving it away.

It's so important to be able to go down those avenues with your children and have open conversations with your spouse in front of your children so that they see the healthy verbiage that goes on between a couple and what they're going through.

Their budget, their cash flows, inflows, outflows, investments, tax loss, harvesting all these things.

What does that mean?

Credit, debt, interest rates, taxes.

It's really important.

And it doesn't have to be scary.

It just can.

You can do it together, you can learn together, you can make it fun.

You can give your kids.

You can give your kids activities to do when they're young.

And I also believe very strongly in not tying what's the allowances to good grades.

Oh, God, I hate that.

Right?

Or kids that don't do well in school.

Yep.

Good grades.

Or.

Or chores around the house.

I feel really strongly that when children are growing up in a household, that's your.

That's their first community.

And you have to participate.

And you have to participate.

You have to share.

You have to share in the chores.

You have to, you know, your plate's dirty, go put it in the dishwasher, you know, go clean, go take out the garbage, make your bed, clean up your room.

All these things should not be tied to an allowance.

What should be tied to those things are love and pride because they're doing a good job, you know, a grade, because then they'll grow up in adulthood thinking that those, that that's what money means.

Like, that's tie it together.

And it shouldn't be that.

It should just be.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, my goodness.

You must be so proud of yourself.

This is incredible.

Hugs.

Kisses.

Just love and that, I think, in my opinion, with my own children, I can speak from experience.

That gives them pride, it gives them confidence, and it makes them secure.

Right.

Knowing that they're supported.

But when the money, when there's an allowance, you need to tie that allowance to teaching them how to save it, how to spend it, how to invest it, and how to give it away.

That's the purpose of an allowance.

And you can talk about that, all of those things separately or together or whatever it is.

But it's very important to create those habits.

When the kids are young so that they're.

There's this a healthy emotion tied to money because money is very emotional.

And it's hard too because it used to be something you held, right?

Like you went to the mall as a kid.

I'm aging myself here.

You know, malls barely even exist.

And you had cash, right?

Like you had cash in your pocket and that's what you had to spend.

Like if you were going to buy something at the food court or you were going to buy a new sweater, that was the money you had to spend.

Even now my kids, that's all on credit, right?

Like they don't carry cash.

I carry their cash for them in an account on my phone that tells me how much money they have, right?

It's this Venmo Zell.

It's even harder now, I think to get people to understand, especially when they're young because there's no transaction changing hands.

It's all in this like netherworld, right?

So.

And I think for women it was already difficult to step up and have these conversations and if, you know, most of the people in your career are men, to ask questions and to feel empowered in a room where, you know, the financial advisor is the smartest person in the room and it's a man and you're there with your spouse, you know, the amount of levels of insecurity that bound up.

And then to have a woman sit down and be like, no, you need to be a part of this conversation, that's very empowering in itself.

Nobody really says no to me anymore.

I think it's because of my internal belief and experiences that they kind of get the vibe and the energy that I'm not having it any other way.

And yeah, I haven't really had any pushback with that.

So for anyone that's listening, if you are a financial advisor and you're only dealing with the bill payer or the, you know, gentleman of the house, push, push back on that.

It's really important and especially for men to recognize that not just a woman advisor, men, advisors have to have to lean into that because the majority of our business are men, right?

If there's going to be a massive shift, men need to pivot in that direction and they need to do it like pronto.

And it's surprising that it wasn't happening already because women generally outlive men, right?

That transfer of wealth is going to.

Women at that point in time, women were taking over the accounts anyway.

So you would think that you would naturally want a relationship with that person.

So it's just fascinating to think that that wasn't happening.

Yeah, it's not happening.

It's really fascinating to me.

I meet people that are Harvard MBAs and you know, the wife has chosen to stay home and the hardest job in the world, which it truly is.

And they don't even have their own checking account.

They have no idea.

You know, some of them are not paying the bills.

They just, they just don't know.

And it's just not okay anymore.

And I think we as women, as financial advisors need to lean into that and make, and make a massive shift.

Because you're right, women do live longer than men.

And they say that, you know, women, you know, wind up killing, but that's, that's, that's just not true.

Yeah, you know, women are living longer and there's an epidemic that's going to be happening in the generation of baby boomers, which is the first in our lifetimes, which are people that are living too long.

Longevity has become another financial risk because people are not planning enough for retirement funds to live this long life.

They think, you know, life expectancy is not as great, but people can live well into their 90s and people run out of money.

It's really.

And then there's long term care, right?

People are being fragile and it's fascinating to me because the healthier you are in your older age, the more you, the more not even a chance like you will have a long term care need.

You know, there's the four horsemen, right?

There's cancer, heart disease, diabetes and cognitive impairment.

And I can't tell you how many times I hear the cognitive impairment, cancer, heart disease, like I can't, it's all, it's constant with my clients and their parents.

And a lot of people are like, what do we do?

We're taking care of kids, we're taking care of our parents.

We're in the sandwich years and it is becoming an epidemic.

So much so that states are putting a tax on, on people if they don't have a long term care policy.

Did you know that?

Really?

I did not know that.

What states?

I have not heard anything about this.

Washington state already did it.

Okay.

There are many states that are considering it.

And you will have a tax, a long term care tax if you don't show that you have a viable other option like a long term, like a standalone long term care policy or a life insurance policy that is a long term care rider.

But it's, it is fascinating because that is so telling of where our world is going Right.

You don't really.

You don't really think about the lot, the age issue of living that long.

Like, my great aunt is 99.

Yeah.

My grandma was in her 90s when she passed.

Like, you don't really.

You don't see it that often, so you don't really think about.

You know, our parents are in their 70s and 80s.

They don't seem old, which, if you said those numbers when I was in my 20, I'd be like, oh, my God, you know, 55.

So old now.

You're like, no.

You know, working part of the community, you know, doing all of the things.

It was Eisenhower that created the Social Security act, and in 1945, I believe it was.

And back then, you weren't expected to last until 65.

They extended the age right now, but back then, Nobody lived past 65.

And my dad technically retired at 50.

Like, he did his 30 years.

You know, he's still working, but he did his 30 years and he retired.

And I always laughed about it because I was like, well, what happens if, like, you're retiring at midlife?

What do you do for the.

Yeah, it's called a halftime report.

Yeah.

And he's like, well, I'm gonna still work because, A, I need the money, and, B, I'm bored.

But, yeah, not a lot of people retire and sell off into the sunset anymore.

They decide to do something that they're passionate about, you know, a pet project, or they just pivot in a way that drives the passion rather than the paycheck.

Well, and you also don't see people doing careers like that anymore.

I mean, how many people are getting 30 years in at 50 years old?

But not very often.

Right.

You have what?

I think it's like, five careers is the new average in your lifetime.

Is that right?

Five careers.

Something that was surprising to me.

I was like, that's a high number.

But if you do it for 10 years and you pivot, working for 50 years is not unheard of.

If you start at 16 and you're living to be 85.

Yeah.

I started working when I was, like, I don't know, 12.

Yeah.

I did a paper babysitting at 11.

Yeah.

I wanted money.

Yep.

I needed it.

I needed to pay for everything that I had.

So I don't know anything else, but, you know, working for my own money.

And I think that that is also very important, that it's, you know, that women understand what it feels like to earn money.

It's empowering.

And I think that to foster independence, I think that that is a very important thing to do is to have your own checking account, your own savings, your own investment account, your own money.

I don't know, I've never really signed up for.

I just want to marry somebody that has money that's just not that, you know, some people do that and that's okay, but it's not independent.

And if you want to be independent, well, you got to put your foot in the door there.

So something I see generationally I feel like and people didn't really talk about money, so maybe this existed before.

Maybe you have a different answer.

But I feel like my parents generation, it was joint checking accounts.

You had a lot of stay at home moms or part time working once kids went to school.

So it was just joint checking.

The husband generally worked the full time job and got the benefits.

You might have had a dual income house, but you still had the, the joint familial money.

But it's kind of like the, the question of the generation.

Like I do, I question my, my friends just to see what they're doing, you know, having a joint checking, having the joint finances or some people have completely separate finances and then like pay into an account to pay your bills, you know, your mortgage and your car payment and all that stuff.

And both people in the couplehood pay in but they keep all their money completely separate.

Is that something that you're seeing more often in the younger generations, the post baby boomers?

I am, I am seeing a lot of that.

I don't know what that shift is about.

I just, maybe it's more and more women are leaning into that.

When I grew up, exactly that.

You know, my parents didn't have a lot of money.

They lived paycheck to paycheck.

We never really talked about money.

I saw them spend it on themselves but.

And they didn't spend it on me.

I remember my father, he always had a boat and I had to go to the Salvation army to buy my pants for class, you know.

So I have this very deep feeling about well, if it's going to be, it's up to me.

I couldn't rely on and back then it hurt.

But now I'm kind of grateful for it because it taught me how to be independent.

And if I wanted my own things and I wanted my own independence and my own money, I had to work for it.

And I did.

And the work creates resiliency and grit and knowledge and maturity and learning how to deal with relationships and people.

So there's a lot of real, there's a lot of really good stuff that comes from that.

Having said that, though, you know, there could be a household where it's just impossible.

Like, you know, someone has to stay home.

Someone has to stay home.

And that job, it's really tough.

But I think that it's important for whoever's home with the kids that the conversations that you're talking about, right, your checking account, the credit cards, the bills, all these things, things.

Those conversations should be done in front of children.

It shouldn't be so secret because how are the kids going to learn how to talk to their spouses about money?

You know, it's astonishing to me, people don't realize that children mirror your behavior, and then what happens is they mirror the behavior in adulthood and you don't break a chain.

And I think it's important to break a chain if it's not right for your family.

You know what I mean?

I was gonna mention that earlier when you were talking about teaching your kids that it's really doing things in front of them.

Like, I learned a lot.

My dad being a truck driver, we had times where things were really great.

And at the time he was getting paid really well compared to the average, you know, male worker of his age.

And then there were times he wasn't working.

So you had zero money coming in and it was, okay, how are we gonna navigate this?

And some of it was witnessing arguments, and some of it was watching, you know, the bill pay happen and the shifting of money and the taking on of debt and just witnessing it.

Even though there wasn't maybe a conversation happening, seeing it made me less scared of it because we did always get through.

Yeah.

And I saw the outcome.

Right.

It's kind of like fighting in front of your kids is important because they need to see the outcome of.

They fought, but they're happy.

Like, they got through it.

The making up also needs to happen in front of them.

Right.

Like, you have to show what's going on and how to live in this crazy world.

Yeah, it's a little bit crazy right now, too.

And, you know, what you're describing is leading by example.

You have to lead by example.

Right.

For us, everything was hidden.

So.

And when I get into adulthood and go, oh, like, I'm completely this up, like, I don't know where to turn to because I'm.

And my mom's like, oh, well, we have these problems.

I'm like, well, that would have been nice to know.

Like, I'm holding all of this in.

I had no idea.

Like, this is this Is normal.

And I like, I take this into my adulthood now.

Like I'm in menopause.

I just went to the doctor yesterday.

Sorry for the TMI guys, but like all of these things I'm feeling are normal.

I wish, I wish somebody would have told me this.

Like, I have no idea.

But like, you gotta talk about these things.

They're important to share.

And I did not know that all of the normal struggles you go through, those ins and outs, there's times when things are good, there's times when things are bad.

There's times where you have to lean into credit a little bit.

There's times when money comes in and then what do you do with that money?

I did not know and got myself into some really difficult times with credit card debt.

And I didn't always.

I didn't know what to do because nobody really shared that in the way I grew up.

And I wish I had that.

I have that now.

Now we talk about that.

My mother and I talk about that stuff.

And I know a lot of that stuff.

I did not have that growing up.

And I wish I had.

Yeah, even if you don't have it growing up, you can learn it in adult life.

Which I think is really.

Which is exactly what happened to me.

I mean, we never talked about money.

I saw them spending it all on themselves.

We were paycheck to paycheck.

I would assume we didn't live.

We lived modestly.

You know, I didn't have a lot of money growing up.

Always worked, but they never, they never sat me down and talked about any of this ever.

I had to learn it in adulthood, which is a whole different ball of wax.

Right.

I thank God that I am in the business that I'm in because obviously a lot of this is self taught.

A lot of it is taught from my husband who is always so responsible with his finances.

I mean, when my dad passed, my dad passed in 2019 and I was estranged from my family because of the dysfunction.

And when I found out my dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, I just sort of put that to the side and I decided that I'm going to be the daughter that he needs me to be.

And they lived in Texas and I lived here in Connecticut.

So my children were seniors at the time.

So I was missing a lot of their senior year.

I was traveling back and forth.

He only survived three months.

But during those three months, I had to clean up the finances.

And oh my God, was I blown away.

He had 26 credit cards.

Oh my God, you can have 26 credit cards.

It just kept.

Once you have debt, they just want to give you more debt.

That's exactly right.

That's exactly.

He'd roll over his debt into another credit card, and he would continue to do this.

Continued to continue.

It was really bad, and it was shocking.

It was really shocking.

And I had to deal with all of that.

I had to close out all the accounts I had.

I mean, I had to just, like, cleaned it up.

But it.

It really resonated with me because it hit me bone deep how dysfunctional that was and how it could happen.

And it could happen easily with anyone who doesn't understand and wasn't taught how to manage money, how to handle it.

And that's what we talked about before.

Money is money, but it's what it does to people that just takes up a whole personality of its own.

So, yeah, I mean, I didn't have these tools growing up, but.

But I was really, really wanting to break the chain with my own children.

And we started very early talking to them about allowances and saving, spending, investing, giving it away.

And we would give them little assignments to do.

Like, if a family wants to go on a family trip, I would say, here's the budget.

Present to us three places that you think we should go.

Airfare, hotel activities, everything.

And guess what?

They did it.

And we on this vacation.

And I just showed up.

My husband and I just showed up.

They took care of everything.

Well, now they're, you know, adult.

They're adulting now.

And when.

And I.

I'm terrible at making travel plans.

I mean, if up to me, I'd wind up in Timbuktu somewhere.

I was just terrible at it, and it's not my superpower.

And I said to my daughter, I'm like, could you please handle this for me?

She said, no problem.

I'll take care of it.

You know, if we're going on a family vacation now, can you take care of the reservations?

Absolutely.

We got it.

And I don't need to think about it.

That's pretty cool.

And here's what's cool about that.

Because they learned how to work together.

They learned how to communicate.

They learned how to negotiate.

They learned how to schedule.

They.

They learned how to budget.

They learned all of this stuff when they were teens, and they saw and they experienced what it feels like, right?

You have to feel it.

You can't just say it without experiencing it.

Experiences are totally different.

So they experienced what it was like to have that budget to talk it through, to figure out where we're going all these things.

Coordination, all of it.

And now, I mean, they talk about building their credit.

They talk about what credit card has this benefit and that benefit and this.

It's astonishing to me, the conversations that they're having now, only because that we gave them these little, you know, activities to do while they were growing up.

It became this.

This, you know, like, breathing.

It was just natural to talk about.

So I think it's important to start early and often with all of those things, you know, I love it.

Absolutely.

And that's so empowering, too.

I imagine that it was a much less stressful vacation with the kids being a part of it.

Right?

It was.

I mean, I just.

Like I said, I just showed up, and it was so fun.

And it was more fun because they earned that responsibility and they understood it.

Yeah, they.

They really, bone deep, understood it.

So I love how empowering it is, not only that you're empowering other women, but how you got to the position you're in and how you did break that chain and you did see how you were brought up and made the decision to live life differently, which I think a lot of people struggle with.

Right.

We.

We internalize a lot.

We think we're failing at things because we don't know the answers.

We don't want to ask the questions.

We're embarrassed.

You know, you end up in this, like, it just keeps piling on.

But you took the reins and you changed it, and it's.

Here you are as a grown woman going through your father's finances, which stayed how they were when you were a child.

And you're on the a complete 180, taking control, understanding, knowing, empowering.

So I think this is a great time to talk about your middle initial, because you do use your middle initial.

And we talked about it before we were recording, and I think that you should share it.

Okay.

Perfect timing.

Perfect timing, Kelly.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So the F is very important for me because, number one, it stands for my maiden name, which is Falk F, A L, K.

And, you know, my maiden.

My.

My married name, Large.

You know, you really have to own that, right?

You really have to own that, Large.

So when I was putting together my one sheet and everything for the podcast, I asked my assistant, I said, do you think I should leave the F in for my name?

She's like, absolutely.

I said, why?

She.

Because you're Abby fucking Large.

That's why.

And that was it.

It stuck.

I was like, done.

So that part is really important.

It's perfect.

And when you told the story before, it was a great story.

But then hearing all of this today, it's even more empowering.

You are Abby fucking Large.

I have to remind myself of that every day.

And that's why it's important to have that F, because, you know, sometimes you get self doubt or you have imposter syndrome, or you're like, where am I and what am I doing?

Do I belong here?

And the answer is, fuck yeah, I do.

I've worked for it.

We're going to make you some swag and send it to you.

Swag.

So I think that's everybody's challenge today.

Use your look at your middle initial and figure out what name, how you're going to rebrand that for yourself.

Yeah, kind of my brand now.

It's really funny.

Or we're all going to change our middle name to something that starts with an F.

Absolutely.

So, Abby, if somebody wanted to use your services, do you offer services virtually or are you just in Connecticut?

No, virtual for sure.

In fact, some people found me through a podcast who lives in California and she's a dear friend and client now.

So, yeah, I have a lot of people that are connecting with me.

I do a lot of remote work.

You know, thankfully, Covid allowed us, opened up the door to that.

So, yeah, all over the country, licensed everywhere.

And if anybody wants to reach out to me, they can do so through my LinkedIn or they can simply email me at alargenuxadvisors.com that's 1 n, l, e n o x a d v I s.

And I'm sure you're going to have it in your notes for the show.

Absolutely, yeah.

Awesome.

Well, thank you for joining us, Abby.

Your story is fascinating.

I love what you're doing.

We all need you in our lives.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for your commitment to including women and making sure they are part of every conversation that they need to be in.

Oh, absolutely.

Spread the word.

We will, we will.

Awesome.

Thanks for having so much.

Thank you, Abby.