This is Women Road warriors with Shelley Johnson and Kathy Ticaro.

From the corporate office to the cab of a truck, they're here to inspire and empower women in all professions.

So gear down, sit back and enjoy.

Welcome.

We're an award winning show dedicated to empowering women in every profession through inspiring stories and expert insights.

No topic is off limits on our show.

We power women on the road to success with expert and celebrity interviews and information you need.

I'm Shelley and this is Kathy.

This is a very special episode of Women Road warriors and we're really excited.

Valerie Bertinelli made her national debut on the TV show One Day at A Time where she became the heartthrob of many a teenaged boy and America's sweetheart.

She's done it all as an actress and she's been a wife and mother.

She married rock and roll virtuoso Eddie Van Halen.

She and Eddie raised another marvelous musician, Wolfgang, who's making tremendous strides on the music scene.

She spent a lifetime in Hollywood where she's faced many challenges of her own.

In addition to being a highly successful actress, a star of Hot in Cleveland, Food network personality and New York Times bestselling author with the book Enough Already.

Learning to Love the Way I Am Today, she has been just a wonderful champion for women.

Her message resonates with so many women out there with her book who struggle with their self image.

It's so needed.

Valerie, thank you so much for being on the show with us today.

Thank you so much for having me.

I love the message of your book.

You have done so many wonderful things.

But I would imagine the strive for perfection, especially in Hollywood, that had to been hard.

Oh, God, yeah.

I think too many of us think we have to be perfect for anyone to love us.

You know, we have to act a certain way, look a certain way.

And it's just magnified in the business that I chose to be in.

But I think everybody feels that way in their own town.

You know, someone's looking at you, someone's judging you, and it's when you can finally break free of that and not worry about what other people think of you.

And I don't have it down perfectly yet, but it is a work in progress.

You find that you open up more and you can look at the good stuff more and you can not care what someone thinks of you because honestly, we have no control over what someone thinks of us.

It's none of our business, honestly.

And we can't control it.

And they're coming at you with Whatever their past ghosts are, that have nothing to do with you.

It just maybe piques something in them.

So I don't know why I got up on that tangent.

It's so true.

Well, you know, when you think about it, women are raised as children to be so perfect.

And even if we don't get the messaging from our parents, we look around, we see all these beautiful women.

They're perfectly coiffed, perfect makeup, and nobody tells us the photos are airbrushed.

We're given Barbie dolls, which, it's been proven there is no way anatomically a woman can be shaped like a Barbie doll.

You know?

No, there's actually somebody out there I saw, oh, I don't know, a few years back who has had plastic surgery to be perfectly shaped like a Barbie doll.

She had to have a rib removed.

Oh, my gosh, that's so sad.

I mean, think about the lie that that young girl or woman must have grown up with, thinking that she wasn't of any value unless she looked a certain way.

What is that?

That's so wrong.

It's such a lie.

Yeah.

So wrong.

Yeah.

It took me a long time to do the same.

I started modeling when I was young and did Miami and New York and all that.

Montreal, and I was stuck with the stigma in my mind that that's what I had to be like.

Right.

And just like you were saying, once I was able to free myself from that, it took 40 years later to do it.

It's hard.

I felt like Peter Pan, like, you know, the freedom of I don't care.

You don't like what I look like, don't look.

Yeah.

You have an opinion.

Like, whatever.

You know.

Exactly.

Oh, my God.

Younger women of the younger generation coming up that they are, it's easier for them to say, screw you.

I don't care what you think, you know?

And they're able to talk back to the misogyny and whatever it is that's.

That it is that held a lot of us down.

They're fighting back harder than ever.

And I'm really proud of the next generation coming up.

It's so important, but it's taken so long.

And do you think we're making progress, Valerie, with the messaging?

Because I still see what they call TNA out there in the cheesecake look.

And, oh, my goodness, it's like, really?

Yeah.

I mean, I do think we're making progress.

As long as the women that are doing that are doing that because it makes them feel good, I think you can do whatever the heck you want.

If it makes you feel good, if you want to wear that because you feel prettier, you do it.

But don't wear it because you think some guy is going to make your.

Make you think you're prettier or say that you're prettier.

Do it for yourself.

Whatever makes you happy.

Yep, that's the golden key right there.

Yep.

I totally.

But I just.

I don't think it matters what anybody wears or does or.

Or says.

As long as you're not hurting another human being, then do what makes you happy.

You know, Valerie, you've always.

I think in the public's eye, you've always been so perfect.

What made you think that you weren't?

Oh, my goodness.

Because I wasn't, and I'm still not.

And I don't think that there is such a thing as perfection.

Maybe Betty White came close to it, but she was still a human being, you know.

Oh, sure, Betty was just fabulous.

But you've also done a ton of things and been a marvelous example.

I think that I've led a very blessed life.

Maybe that word gets overused, but it's true.

I mean, I am grateful for the life that I have because I worked hard for it.

I didn't used to give myself credit for how hard I was working.

And now that I'm almost 62 and people are starting to tell me, you know, before we do any interview, I'll hear my life story.

Like, oh, my goodness.

Yeah, I guess I have done a lot.

I guess I'm not as lazy as I thought I was.

Because when I do work hard, but, man, I know how to rest hard.

I can tell you that.

I'm a good rester.

And I would think that, well, that makes me lazy.

No, it doesn't.

I'm recharging.

Leave me alone.

Yeah, you gotta have that time.

Absolutely.

Love that.

Absolutely.

Well, you've done so many things, and you started early if you wanted to maybe give a brief synopsis of everything you've done.

How old were you when you got into Hollywood?

I think I did my first commercial for J.C.

penney.

I did my first commercial when I was 12.

I got one Day at a Time when I was 15.

Wow.

And then I started doing TV movies, I think, when I was 19, and then just kept going.

I took five years off when Wolfie was a baby because I got a miniseries, and Wolfie had just entered kindergarten, so I couldn't be there for him every day.

I had to go to Park City and Salt Lake City, Utah, and basically live there for two months.

But this was before 9 11, so I was able to fly back a lot.

I was in the airport maybe five, six times a week, flying back.

And then Ed would also bring Wolfie up.

But I.

In kindergarten, he drew this picture, the kindergarten teacher, who is still my very good friend Julie, his teacher.

We were in book group together.

She had the whole class draw a picture of, like, if you could fly anywhere, where would you fly?

And all the kids were like, you know, someone wanted to fly to go see Santa Claus.

Someone wanted to fly to a candy factory.

Someone wanted to, you know, fly with the birds, because whatever.

And then Wolfie's was, I want to fly to Park City, Utah, because that's where his mom was.

And I thought, okay, that's it.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm not gonna.

There's no reason for me to work unless I can get something during the summer and Whoopi can come with me.

So I stopped working for about five years.

Well, when you think about it, motherhood is the ultimate job.

It's.

It's a blessing.

Yeah.

And it was my favorite job.

And it's still.

Even though my son's going to be 31 in a.

In a month, it's still my favorite job.

And he rolls his eyes at me.

But you've been a terrific mom and all of that.

Well, I don't know.

Let Wolfie chime in on that one.

We don't know about that.

The jury's still out on that one.

So reading parts of your book, it was a major love story between you and Ed.

Eddie Van Halen.

How did you meet him?

Weren't you backstage or something?

You had some VIP talking?

I was.

Well, my parents had moved to Shreveport, Louisiana, and my brother Patrick had moved there with them.

And my brother David left an eight track cassette in the back of my car because he borrowed it once and he left a cassette of a Van Halen cassette.

The eight track.

Oh, my God.

Yep.

That's how old I am.

And they called me and they said, listen, we know the radio DJ here.

And he said, if we can get you to come with us, we can get backstage and meet this band.

I'm like, who is this band?

So I played the hr.

Oh, my God, they're amazing.

This guitar player is ridiculous.

And then I saw the album of Women and Children first, and, I mean, Ed's just such a cutie.

So I said, yeah, I'll go.

I want to meet this guitar player.

And we went, and Ed was so Shy.

Dave was not, Al was not, and Mikey was a sweetie pie.

But I mean, Al was very kind too.

Dave was the only one that was like, doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Good old days.

Dave is Dave.

Dave is Dave.

And you know, he.

What he does, he does really, really well.

So I'm happy for that.

And then we went back to their Motel 6 after the show.

We hung out by the pool and then they had to take off.

And I gave Ed my number.

This is before cell phones, mind you.

So I gave him the number of my parents house, which is where I was staying.

Right.

And he didn't call for three days.

The nerd finally called.

I said, yeah, I'll come visit you.

And me and my brother, we took off for Oklahoma, I think it was, and watched the show there.

And then we just, you know, that was it.

We were together.

And then on.

It was a magnetic attraction, wasn't it?

It was.

We were meant to be together.

I.

I'm.

The only thing I regret is that we got together so young and that I.

I learned so much in the 40 years that I've known him.

And I would have done so many things differently.

My compassion would have been more in the forefront for the pain that he was going through as opposed to being upset at him because he's doing drugs and alcohol.

Find out what pain is he trying to cover up and not deal with.

Sure.

And I was too young to know because I was covering up my own pain.

But we came to a good place before he passed.

I just wish we had had more time.

Yes.

Terrible loss.

But you had some wonderful years with him and you have Wolfie, which is.

That's a blessing.

Yeah, a blessing.

A big blessing.

Yeah.

I just.

I feel bad that Wolf doesn't have his dad here to be able to enjoy the success he's having right now.

I mean, I know damn well that Ed and I would be at the Grammys with Wolfie to watch him hopefully knock on wood win.

Yes.

So, Valerie, what are some of the messages you want to give women?

I know that our audience, they have certainly a lot of challenges just having to prove themselves in a man's world.

How did they do this without driving themselves completely crazy trying to be perfect?

Yeah.

Well, there's no such thing as perfection.

But I have learned.

I don't know if this works in every situation, but I have definitely learned that I prefer peace over being right because I already know I'm right.

But I don't need to make everybody else know.

I'm right, There you go.

So peace is always the easier path to walk down.

And you don't have to grit your teeth knowing you're right.

Just know that between you and God and the universe or the higher power that you have, whatever it may be that you have, you know you're right.

You don't.

Yeah, you don't.

You don't need to make that butthead know you're right as well.

But you do deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

That.

That is a more of a challenge with some people out there.

I don't know what.

How mothers are raising their sons, but you got to teach your sons to respect.

Yeah, I'm seeing a lot of disrespect out there.

And.

And I myself would go, huh?

My mother would never have tolerated that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although it is really fun to watch TikTok and see how some of these women fight back.

The dude bro guys out there and how she just.

There's this one woman drew off well, and she just.

Oh, my God, she's hysterical.

I laugh until I'm crying watching her just not care and just fight back with these guys that treat people really badly, treat women badly.

You know, there'll be guys that like, are like, you'd be perfect if you weren't fat.

It's like, well, what makes you so God blessed?

Perfect.

Right?

You know, why are you.

Why do you care?

I don't know.

I don't want that tangent.

That's the one thing that when I, when I talk to women in shelters and wherever I go, is that the minute you tolerate it, you just, you just gave him permission to do it again and again and again.

God, isn't that true?

The more you tolerate, the more it's going to go on.

You teach people how to treat you.

And I, I have taught people how to treat me that.

I'm.

I'm really upset at myself for letting, for teaching them how to treat me.

But, you know, you always want to sometimes that choosing peace over being right can make someone believe that they have a right to walk all over you.

So there's a firmness that has to go with that as well.

Boundaries.

That fine line.

Right?

Boundaries.

Yes, that's the good word right there.

Boundaries.

There's nothing wrong with boundaries.

And if somebody has a problem with your boundaries, they were going to piss all over them anyway.

Yeah.

You just say, hey, what is it about no that you do not understand?

No is a full sentence.

I like that.

I like that.

Yeah.

I never knew the word what.

Honestly, I Never knew what the word boundaries meant till I.

Until I was 40.

When I hit treatment, the first time in my life, I'm like, you mean, I could say no?

Like, what?

Like I was a doormat my entire life.

Like, what do you mean?

Like codependency.

What?

Oh, yeah, it is.

That one simple word, no, has changed my life.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

That's the one thing I said when I was going to Al Anon.

I really wish.

And I don't know what it's like now that I'm talking.

Like, I'm gonna say 30 years ago that I was going to Al Anon.

I wish they had been more.

I know they're going there for yourself so that you don't have to be a codependent and all that.

But I wish they had taught me how to be more compassionate, you know, and really nail down the.

It's not the drugs.

It's not the alcohol.

It's not you.

It's the pain.

Drugs and the alcohol is just the disease that develops from the pain when someone is so horrified with dealing with their pain.

And I think that goes for everybody because I also went to OA Overeaters and on us for a while, and I did not find any help in that.

And again, it could have been the meeting and the sponsor that I ended up with, and it just wasn't helpful for me.

Sure.

So do you think it's because people.

Women are raised to be people pleasers?

Obviously, the very nature of being a woman, we nurture.

I mean, we're biologically designed to take care of others.

Is that where we forget who we are and then we want to be everything to everyone.

We forget how to be everything to ourselves, and then we start getting down on ourselves for.

I think you can do both, though.

I think you can, because I think nurturing brings me so much joy.

I love taking care of Wolfie.

I love taking care of other people.

It brings me so much joy.

But.

Yes, but you can take care of others and have it, you know, make you happy, but you can also still have those boundaries for when they overstep them.

But there's a lot to be said for what you just said.

I mean, yes, a lot of us fall into the wrong side of that thinking.

We have to.

But when it is something that brings you joy, do it.

But you can.

I mean, we are all smart enough to be aware of when someone is taking too much and not giving anything back.

Yeah, I know.

Like, in the nursing profession, I lost myself because I was so busy taking care of everybody else.

And I had so much inner pain inside that I didn't want to look at.

So I had my own personal wounds.

It was easier for me to physically take care of their wounds as opposed to looking at my own internal process.

Right.

That is so good.

Yeah.

And that's, that's how I related to.

When I talked to people, I said, just because your inner pain is a, is a physical wound, it is.

You're carrying it with you.

It comes out in terms of low self esteem, of depression, anxiety, eating, addiction.

You know, for me, it came out in alcoholism.

Right.

And so it's.

But you have to take care of that wound in some way.

You can't just let it fester.

Because what happens when you don't take care of wounds?

They become infected, right?

Yes.

And then toxic.

Right.

And this is where we, we're not, we're not.

I think the more we talk about mental health because that, that walks down the path of mental health as well as you are so right on that.

You know, any kind of emotional mental wound does, if it's not, if it's not worked on and it's not fixed, it's not massaged and it's not mended, it will fester and it will be infected and it will infect your whole life.

Yeah, it, it affects your thinking process.

It really does.

The decisions that you make, you don't.

Number one, you don't feel good.

Well, are you gon pick someone who's mentally sound or you get.

You're going to find people that aren't because that.

And then that magnifies it.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I'm telling, I'm telling you all this from really bad experiences.

That's what connects people.

And God bless you for willing to talk about these experiences because this is what helps people.

This is part, I believe, of nurturing and that's in your soul, that you are a nurturing soul.

You are a gift to this world.

And when you do share your stories, all of a sudden some people go, wow, that was me too.

I can't believe someone else was going through the same thing I was going through.

And you just don't feel so alone anymore.

Exactly.

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Welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelley Johnson and Kathy Ticcaro.

I think our society has a tendency still to shame and use the word should.

I like to tell people I stopped shooting on myself a long time ago.

That's so good.

Yeah, because it's not.

You should use it when I, when I hear the word should or when I try to use what I think I need to use the word should, I think of it.

It's also as a mind f.

Because it's, it's, it's, it's messing with your head thinking that you can and you should.

So you should feel guilty if you don't.

And all it does is send you down a path.

That's not helpful.

The word can't also is not very helpful because it's like, well, you could, but what is it really?

I don't want to.

And that's okay.

I don't want to.

That is allowed to be another full sentence.

You could, but you don't want to.

I mean, this, this could do with anything.

Someone pressuring you to do something you don't want to do.

You could say, well, I can't.

You know what?

I don't want to.

I think.

And giving your permission.

Yes.

I think Phoebe on Friends was the best with this line.

She, they were asking her something.

She goes, oh, yeah, I would, but I don't want to.

Yeah.

That's as simple as that.

That's.

You're allowed to not want to.

Yeah.

And it's okay.

Yeah.

Now, I granted, I have not used that yet, even though I've not wanted to do things.

I would, I'll say, oh, I can't.

So I'm not really taking my own medicine, but I Will.

I'm going to get to that point.

And the older I get, the more.

The more blunt I get as well.

Yeah, it just comes out like, enough.

Yeah, yeah.

Already.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So do you think a lot of women don't necessarily do that because they're afraid of rejection?

Yeah.

Yep.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And what are we going to be rejected from someone who wouldn't appreciate us anyway?

That's.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because there's so many great people out there that would appreciate you and don't.

Lower your standards or.

You know what?

It's also people getting stuck in a comfort zone and something they think even though they're not happy, well, it's safe, it's comfortable.

It's what I know.

Because the fear of the unknown, that line that they put them there themselves, it prevents them from trying something new.

And I'm a big advocate for, you know what?

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Yes.

I just moved here to California.

I'm 52.

I left my house, I left my family.

I left all my belongings.

I took my three suitcases.

I was here in December.

I said, this is it.

I'm starting over.

I don't care.

Wow.

Yeah.

Kathy works in the oil fields two weeks out of the month and then is in California, the rest.

So.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, it's.

It's an.

It's another one of God's gifts.

You know, I have the opportunity.

I could stay at home in my comfort zone and just, you know, live life like everybody else.

But I have too much to accomplish in life, and I'm not going to do it.

Out of Cochrane, Alberta.

So here I am, right, with my three suitcases and I'm starting over.

Let's go.

Bring it on you go, Kathy.

Wow.

But see, the fact that I'm doing that, it also inspires other people that, you know, what if.

If there's something in your life that you're unsure of or you want it so bad, but you just, you know, that fear.

Just feel the fear and do it anyway.

Take a risk.

Try.

Yeah.

And that old.

That old line of, you know, what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?

You know, it's still a scary line, but, you know, because we all have to support ourselves and support families a lot of the time, so.

But what would I do if I.

If I knew for sure I wouldn't fail?

Oh, my gosh.

So much.

Valerie, do you think that a lot of our self, the way we view ourselves, it's really influenced, like, by advertising where you look, it's like, okay, this is wrong with me.

I've got to buy this.

This is wrong with me.

I've got to buy that.

Oh, and if I take this, then my butt won't fall off.

It'll look a whole lot better.

Or it may fall off anyway.

But, yeah, I still need to take it, you know?

I mean, if you look at all the different supplements and cosmetics and this and that.

Yeah.

Is that part of it?

I'm wondering if women were more comfortable with themselves before television, you know?

Yeah.

Who knows?

Because I'm just as susceptible.

I mean, I'll see things on TikTok, I'll see things on Instagram, and I'm like, you know, the Internet made me buy it.

Some things work out.

And some, like, why the hell did I buy this?

You know?

So, I mean, I'm still.

I'm still taking hair vitamins.

So, you know, I.

Because as you get older, your hair starts to fall out, and I'm like, oh, my.

I have half the hair that I used to have.

So I'm like, what are the hair vitamins or the hair gummies?

I mean, I fall into that same trap.

I don't know if any of it's working, but I keep doing it.

Sure.

So we're kind of programmed.

Is it a matter of finally just stopping that program, taking a step back and saying, you know, I like myself, and I'm going to work on this today.

I'm enough already.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I'm already.

I was watching some of your cooking shows on the Food Network there, and what I love the most about the energy that you portray is that this is it.

Right?

You are who you are.

There's no fakeness.

There's no, you know, trying to portray something.

You're just you.

And I think that that lesson is.

It's a lesson in itself for anybody watching that.

It's, you know, you have.

You have ups, you have downs, you have goods, you have bads, you have, you know, trials and tribulations of life.

But, hey, this is me, and I'm having fun while I'm doing it.

I think you're a great role model for everybody.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

You really are.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You have no idea how much I appreciate that, because sometimes I feel like an awkward little thing.

I mean, when I make mistakes in the kitchen, it's like, oh, well.

And sometimes, like, please leave those in, because I just.

I don't know, everything.

I'm learning along with everybody else, but I just want people to enjoy themselves in the kitchen, mistakes and all, you.

Know, Valerie, I think what people have always loved about you is you're real.

You know.

I hear that a lot, and I am grateful for that.

And I don't know how else to be.

I don't like.

I guess I'm like, well, what is not real?

What would that look like?

What if I was trying to put on and I already have.

What is that thing that people.

Imposter syndrome.

You know, I already have that already, so can you imagine if.

I mean, I don't know how.

What I would do if I really was being an imposter?

So, yeah, it would be doubled.

Your genuineness, it just shines out of you.

You have this inner light that just shines automatically.

Right.

And a kindness, an inherent kind kindness that people can sense.

Thank you.

I just.

I want to treat people the way I want to be treated.

That's all.

I just, I, you know, that give and take, that energy that I put out, I want back.

It was not selfishly, you know, I just.

I wanted.

I want to exude kindness into the world because I think we need a lot more of it.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

But I also, you know, what you put out, you get back.

That's right.

It's very true.

Very true.

Yeah.

I think that our world has gotten meaner.

It feels that way.

Yeah, it feels that way.

Yeah.

But I don't think it has, because then I'll look back and, you know, what was going on in this country 30 years ago, it's like, oh, yeah, there was pretty crappy things going on then, too.

So, you know, when does it stop?

I don't know.

When.

When the bulk of us decide that we're going to not put up with the meanness anymore and.

And just try to teach our sons, teach our daughters kindness, boundaries, gratitude, that.

Kind of stuff that is lacking.

I totally agree.

And.

But then again, there's a lot of people that are really, really good out there, too.

You know, I really, truly do believe that there's a.

The.

The majority of people are good people, and then.

Then you have, you know, the wackadoodles that just want to tell you how to live your life and say they want less government, but then they want to, you know, rule your life.

So that's crazy.

Removing.

Removing toxic people that are around you is a big part of internal happiness.

You know, it's.

Oh, for sure.

Whether even people that are in your family.

I had to step away from my own personal family for a few Years, just because it was too toxic and I needed.

I couldn't heal if I was around them all the time.

So in order to get better, to make Kathy awesome again, I had to step away and figure it out.

Right.

That was very smart of you.

How did you get that?

How did you.

I mean, obviously you're a smart woman, but I mean, you know, that realization.

You know, I ended up drunk and homeless on the streets, having lost everything I owned at 42, and I had to restart from scratch and figure out my foundation, what went wrong.

And so, yeah, I took a year off and thus the book.

There's quite the story.

Quite the story.

But, yeah, so.

But you know what?

It was one of the best things I couldn't have done for myself was love myself enough to know what I need to take the time and do it as opposed to push, push, push, push and try and try and live and try and, you know, do 10,000 things and.

Because you need that paycheck.

But I ended up, no.

I spent a whole year in a women's center where I learned about boundaries and codependency and addressed all the sexual assaults and learned about anger management and, you know, all that stuff.

So, yeah, it really.

Wow.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Valerie, your book, Learning to Love the Way I Am Today, was that something that was a gradual process that you made that realization, or did you just wake up one day and say, aha?

Definitely a gradual process.

And coming to that part, there was years of me going, why am I so unhappy?

Why I've got so much to be happy for?

Why am I so miserable?

Why?

What is happening?

Why can't I just take all this in and just appreciate it and love this?

All this hard work I'm building.

I'm, you know, why am I so miserable?

So I Through searching for that and trying to get over my anxiety because I have intense anxiety and I'm still dealing with it, but I'm dealing with it a lot better than I used to deal with it by just shoving it down and not wanting to feel it so I would eat myself to oblivion.

So that wasn't helpful.

Obviously.

Now I can actually talk to my anxiety and say, okay, because this happened to me 3:00 this morning because I'm.

I think I'm.

I realize I'm anxious about traveling again because I haven't in, you know, a while and I'm going to be gone for two months.

And I'm really worried about my animals because I take care of them a certain way and we've got A rhythm down and someone's going to be living here and doing it without me.

And I'm.

It worries me.

So I had that conversation with myself at 3 o'clock this morning.

Okay, anxiety, I can really feel you.

I was just about to fall back asleep and you really want to talk to me.

What's going on?

And just really talking and trying to listen where in my body that I was feeling this.

It's a physical feeling and I was able to quell it enough to say, okay, I hear you, I understand.

Yes, I'm scared about going.

We have good people that are going to be here with them.

You'll try and come back when you can and all that kind of stuff.

And I was able to talk myself enough so I could fall back asleep.

And I think that was a learning process in that dealing with the anxiety and dealing with the self loathing.

I actually have a skill.

We all have the skill that we can talk to our brain, we can talk to our feelings, we can talk to our emotions.

We don't have to just drink them away, eat them away, gamble them away, sex them away.

We can really with help.

Therapy helps as well.

And I do talk to this wonderful woman named Angie, John Z.

Who helps you compartmentalize all your different feelings and emotions and what you're going through.

And your brain is very powerful and you can talk to it.

And I was just talking to somebody before I got on with you guys and they were saying the way they talked to their anxiety is they've named it, you know, they gave it a name like, I'll call mine Karen.

Like Karen.

What do you want now?

Do we really need to talk about this right now?

I guess so because I need to go to sleep.

But if you, you really talk to it as opposed to try to shove it away.

Go.

No, I don't want to feel this.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Can't feel it, can't feel it, can't feel it.

You're going to feel it anyway.

It's going to come up.

Why not just talk to it?

What does it want?

You're engaging your logic, I guess the logical mind.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, yeah.

Because anxiety, I've heard it can run in families and I think that women may be more prone to it.

My son has intense anxiety and I wish I could help him more.

I feel like a failed mother because I haven't helped him there.

But also he doesn't want to take information.

Yo, really?

Yeah, yeah, she's the same.

Same intense anxiety.

Had it too.

Ed Was intensely anxious all the time.

Yeah, I've had anxiety.

I actually had a panic attack that I was taken to the hospital.

That was quite some time ago.

And they were wondering if I was having a heart attack or something.

That was not it.

It was just a major panic attack.

It's real.

And I just want people to know that your mental health is real.

It's real.

It's not fake.

You're not faking it.

It's real.

And you can be.

We can acknowledge you for that and we can say there are tools that you can do to help you.

There is medication out there too, if you want to take it.

I wasn't successful with any of the medication, so I stopped taking it.

But I am successful with being able to work through it, through therapy and through just talking myself through it at 3 o'clock in the morning like I did this morning.

There's so many resources out there, so many.

And I think that one of the biggest things is for people to recognize that it's okay to not be okay.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

You don't have to put on that image.

It will not be okay.

Yeah.

Yes.

But obviously we want to feel better, so.

Yeah.

But acknowledge is a bit.

I would eat something because it would make me feel better because it remind me of all the love that I had whenever my grandma or my mom would serve the food, but I was using food in the wrong way.

And now I can, like, talk to.

I mean, it's okay to feel this way when I feel this way, but I also.

I also wanted to get Back to sleep.

3:00 in the morning's too early to get up.

Well, it's like you say, it's finding it satisfying the hunger for life without opening the fridge.

I love that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wish I had really.

I really taken that to heart more, though, because I think I was just saying the words and trying so hard to believe them, but not doing the rest of the work because I was so worried about gaining weight.

And now it's just like, you know what?

It's life.

It's going to happen.

Yes.

I'm still going to try and eat better.

I'm still going to try and eat more fruits and vegetables because they make me feel better, drink less alcohol and less sugar because that does not make me feel good.

So as long as I keep doing that and moving my body and stretching, I shouldn't have to worry what the scale says and I'm not going to get back on it because all it does is mess with my Head.

That's right.

Sorry.

One good diet control that I have that Shelley knows about is the last couple years is I have developed a severe allergy to gluten and it keeps you away from the fridge.

Let me tell you, one little thing of gluten and I'm in the hospital with, I have to be an emergency.

It's so bad.

Yeah.

And I was looking at your recipes and I'm like, oh, there's nothing that has gluten free.

I'm like, darn it.

I'm sorry.

Well, there are gluten free noodles out there.

And I mean, like sandwich, there's gluten free bread that's really good.

So I do do that sometimes as well.

I haven't found the gluten free bread that's good yet, but I do a lot.

But, you know, people have this thing about gluten free.

You think it's the minute you say gluten free, they said, that's disgusting.

But actually, because now I have no choice but to find research on gluten free foods, I found some really, really good recipes.

And I bet you if we were to do a show together, we cook the same thing.

You do yours and I'll do the same thing, gluten free.

And we have the audience in front of us tasting it.

They wouldn't be able to tell.

They would.

I think you're right.

Yeah.

They would find better.

Yeah.

There's cassava flour, there's almond flour, there's coconut flour.

I've used all of them in different recipes.

They are really, really good.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

We should have.

We should do that show, just you and I.

We do the regular one, all this gluten free one and then we'll see if they can tell the difference.

I love it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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Welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelley Johnson and Kathy Ticcaro.

So, Valerie, what is the main message of your book?

I think that we pretty much covered that, but you've got so much packed in there.

It's a wonderful message for women.

Is it, Is it kind of part of the process of learning to not run away from ourselves, to be comfortable in our own skin, essentially.

Yes.

Yes.

All of that.

Yes.

That's exactly what it is, because we are enough.

I'm enough already.

I don't have to shape myself into somebody that will make one person happy.

I'll never, ever, ever have everybody like me.

I'll never make everybody happy.

It's just impossible.

So stop trying so hard.

What's the one person I can make happy?

Me.

That.

Me.

That's who I need to make happy.

100% right.

And I applaud you, Valerie.

In Hollywood, it's got to be tough to do that, because it is.

But I'm about to film a show with Demi Lovato written by Suzanne Martin, who wrote Hot in Cleveland.

And it's called Hungry, and it's about diet culture and diet groups and how we try to shape ourselves just so that people will like us, just so that we'll be happier in our body.

All that stuff that.

It's so good.

I'm really excited to shoot this, so I'm hoping NBC picks it up.

What a great.

The world needs this.

This show called Hungry.

It really does.

That's terrific.

So where do people find your book, Valerie?

You can find it.

I would suggest going to your local bookstores, because I always like to support them.

So any local bookstore in your neighborhood or in your area, you could.

You could also go, you know, Barnesandnoble.com any.

Any place that books are sold, you can find this book.

Awesome.

I applaud you for doing this.

Was it kind of tough to finally get started on this book?

Were you a little apprehensive, or did you say, hey, this is a catharsis.

This is so freeing.

I need to share this message?

Well, at first it was.

Yes, it was very cathartic, and it was like journaling intensely almost every day.

And there were some days I just didn't want to do it.

And by the time I was done, I was like, oh, I don't know if I want people to read this.

This is really personal.

So I don't know if I'm ready for this yet.

But I knew I was, because I knew just by doing shows like yours and talking about the book, it would strengthen my resolve to believe that I am enough already and that the way I look is not how any of us are to be judged the way we look.

And hopefully by spreading that message that we are Enough already.

You're awesome.

You're so awesome.

Thank you.

I'm giving you the biggest hug right now.

Thank you.

This is wonderful, Valerie.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me, both of you.

The message in your book is so powerful, Valerie.

It's gonna help so many people.

Thank you for doing that.

We all have each other's back, right?

All of us women, we really need to have each other's back.

That's right.

And we still love you men, too.

I promise.

I have brothers and a son, so I still love all you fellas as well.

Yeah, you're such a blessing.

Thank you so much.

This has been awesome having you on the show.

Thank you so much, Valerie.

We hope you've enjoyed this latest episode.

And if you want to hear more episodes of Women Road warriors or learn more about our show, be sure to check out womenroadwarriors.com and please follow us on social media.

And don't forget to subscribe to our podcast.

Women Road warriors is on all the major podcast channels like Apple, Spotify, Amazon, Audible, YouTube, and others.

So check us out and please follow us wherever you listen to podcasts.

Thanks for listening.

You've been listening to Women Road warriors with Shelley Johnson and Kathy Takaro.

If you want to be a guest on the show or have a topic or feedback, email us at sjohnsonomenroadwarriors.comination.