Hello, hello, and welcome to the Borealis

experience. I'm your host Aurora, life coach and companion

on this beautiful journey called life. I hope you feel good, I

hope you feel safe, maybe even motivated, and empowered and

strong about yourself, and life in general. Maybe you're not

feeling well, at the moment, maybe you struggle, maybe you

feel stuck, maybe your relationships are not running

smoothly. Maybe you don't like your job. Maybe your kids drain

you. Maybe your family is exhausting. Whatever it is

you're struggling with, however you feel I hope I can bring you

lightness and joy and contentment and help you to

understand yourself better so that you can make decisions in

the future that are in alignment with your True Self. That's my

biggest mission here, I want to bring you closer to yourself.

Sometimes we learn stuff in our childhood and our youth make

conclusions about outcomes and situations that are not really

serving us anymore. And we don't question them early enough. We

just keep walking with those beliefs and conclusions. And see

our life through that filter through that lens and kind of

filter buster. I want to liberate you. I want to make you

feel free. I want to make you feel yourself. I'm also gonna

host workshops here soon in person workshops, not over zoom.

I'm currently trying to find locations, and pincher Creek

area and Lethbridge, Calgary, where I can invite you to join

me to listen and to interact and to Yeah, just be together grow

together and connect. I really love doing my podcast here. But

you gotta imagine, I sit in my little studio here and speak

with most of the time closed eyes into my microphone. And

most of you give me feedback, and you donate, which is

awesome. But sometimes I just would like to shake your hand or

make eye contact or just have you in the same room as me. So

I'm working on this, I want to make this come true. I'm very

dedicated, unstoppable to show up for you, men and women out

there. So be excited for the future to come. And today, I'm

especially excited about my topic because it was inspired by

a dear listener and friend. I'm not going to mention his name

because I forgot to ask him for permission. But thank you so

much for shooting me that question yesterday. And I'm so

happy to not wait any longer because I know your question and

the answer to it and us discussing and you know, sharing

our thoughts about it later on online. Once I publish, it is

going to bring value to a lot of people. So his question was

along the lines of if I'm a provider, if I'm a leader, if

I'm a strong rock in people's life, and I feel drained. How do

I reach out for help? Or how do I recharge my batteries? What

can I do in order to still be that strong person to recuperate

from the ongoing giving to situations and other people. And

this is not a surprise maybe to you but a big topic in my life

too because I'm a genuine giver. I'm out there and constantly

producing, creating, bringing together offering and what do I

do to not burn out but I don't want to make this about me. I

want to go and introduce you to the concept of

the triangle of the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. I

didn't put There's that idea into the world. Sorry, I forgot

who was the first to introduce us to this concept. But if you

are not driving, not operating machinery, close your eyes, if

it's safe to do, and imagine a triangle, and imagine persecutor

victim and rescue at the tips, and they always keep each other

in check. There's always a person to blame. There's always

a victim. And there's always someone who joins in who is a

rescuer. And the interesting thing about this is that

sometimes you are the victim, sometimes you are the rescuer.

Sometimes you are the persecutor. You're not a saint,

we all have our faults. And we change within these roles. And

it is very interesting to observe with your friends, your

family, how they are stuck in certain roles, there's people

who are constantly stuck in the rescue of role. So if you grew

up in a household where your siblings were constantly

fighting, and you were the oldest and you had to make

decisions early on in your life, or maybe your parents were

fighting all the time, and you were trying to appease them, you

learn fairly quickly that you are in a role of a rescuer. And

later on in life, you will take on relationships, or be

attracted to people and situations that bring out the

rescue are in you. Because we always seek out what we know

because that feels comfortable. Same goes for the victim. And I

know some people are surprised there because why would you want

to be a victim. Again, if you grew up in an environment where

you were the victim, most of the time you got attacked, you got

bullied, you were made fun of it is a role that you're used to,

and that you will seek out in the future. So you will seek out

people that are slightly abusive or not nice and treat you bad.

So that you then can feel like a victim. And I know it doesn't

make any sense as an outsider, but it is really how it is

there's studies being done that people in abusive relationships

have it way harder than we think to get out of these

relationships and situations and not enter a new one that is

similar, because they are so attached to their identity. And

this is where I want to hit hook into as a coach is that I find

out about these different dynamics in your life and if for

example, you are the rock, if you are the rescuer, or if you

grew up in a situation where you had to be responsible way more

responsible than is okay for your age. And you strongly

identify with that role, you will keep attracting situations

and people that how do you say that in English, confirm your

believe your identity and it is only you who can change it

right? We're not going to change the people and situations around

you that is absolutely not possible ever. We can change how

we react so and observe what kind of situation we attract. So

what I will do in my coaching sessions is for the future we

will get out into observer and birds perspective and what you

how you react in certain situations and to who you are

attracted. And this is so so friggin interesting because you

will find out so much about yourself and your patterns. And

as soon as you shine light on it as soon as you become aware of

it. You can change it before you just feel confused and drained

and taken advantage of and that's the second point. My

first point is I want to ask you are you so strongly attached to

the rescuer? Identity that you cannot do differently?

But keeping keeping this identity alive by putting

yourself in situations and where you will keep feeling drained.

Because there's also a pride thing involved, your ego

involved that you don't want to ask for help, because people

come to you to ask for help, right? You are the strong person

and you have to be the rock, you cannot take care of yourself,

because there might be a new person calling you soon up, to

ask for help again, because you so strongly identify with this

helper syndrome, so to say, and the people around you can sense

that especially the people who are always in need of something

they can smell, and see and your energy and see in your physical

appearance, how you use your body, that you are a person who

wants to provide who wants to be out there. Really? That's the

case? And do you want to keep attracting people into your life

that are not capable of sustaining their own life? What

do you want to attract people that need you, but don't need to

get rescued? Right? It is on you how you choose the people who

come close to you. And if your ego is stronger than your heart

and keeps attracting people that make your ego feel good because

you feel needed because this is what you learned when you were

little. When you were there for other people you felt needed and

loved. And when you couldn't be there for anybody, then you felt

neglected and bad about yourself. So we will have to

look at this. How strongly do you identify with the rescuer

position. Second thing I want to talk about is boundaries. People

who strongly identify as a leader, as a supporter, as a

helper as a coach, nurses, a lot of nurses and doctors have

incredibly remorse and guilt feelings. When they set

boundaries, a person who is not used to setting healthy

boundaries, feels very shitty. At the start, they feel guilty,

they feel horrible. Because they feel they're letting people

down. They feel they're giving up their identity, right? Your

ego is gonna say, wait, wait, we are a helper. What are you doing

here? Like you can just get fired? Yeah, or lose your job as

a rescuer. So your whole nervous system is going to enter a new

realm of experiences once you start setting healthy

boundaries. And I put an emphasis on healthy boundaries

because sometimes we overdo it, we sometimes we could really

help our little neighbor there. And it's not a big deal. But we

overcompensate because so many other people suck energy from

us. Right? That's when we burn out because we are not capable

of saying no to other people and to the people who are sitting

right in front of us. We say no. And then it's actually yeah, not

nice and not fair. So it's really difficult. I get it, and

I struggle with that too. But you really have to find out, be

it with your coach or a strong friend who is very, you know,

honest and clear with communication. Where are your

boundaries? Where do you overextend? And why do you do

it? And how can we make you feel comfortable and saying no. So

first thing was how strongly do you identify with the role as a

rescuer? Second is set boundaries. And really apply

what you learn with your coach. Right? in counseling, you

usually learn, oh, wow, you have problems with your boundary

setting and you're being given tools, and then you take off and

stop the counseling sessions. With your coach, you're gonna be

held accountable, and she or he will keep giving you tools on

how to stay on track how to stay true and how to build strong

relationships where you actually feel energized and not burned

out.

Third thing I want to address is, I mentioned that before,

please be 100% aware of who you let close to your heart, who you

let close into your intimacy space, and who you spend time

with. Do you keep attracting people that are obviously in a

situation where they need help. Do you feel sexually attracted

to people who need help who need you because, again, what you

have learned in early years is that when you feel needed,

you're worthy, when you don't feel needed when the person is

independent, what is your job, what is your purpose in another

person's life when you are not need it as a rescuer. So be

very, very aware of who you are close. And my next point will be

your worse. You are struggling with intense worthiness

problems. If you think that you are only worthy once you serve

other people, and don't get me wrong here, serving other people

is an deep, deep part of our DNA, we are herd animals, we

need each other. And there's studies coming out right now

where giving love supporting others as an individual is

actually boosting your immune system more than receiving love.

Isn't that so incredibly interesting. Because all we

think not all of us, but some of us is like, oh, I need to get I

need to take I need to receive and only then I feel loved. But

the studies are coming out right now that people who are giving

themselves to others and supporting others feel healthier

in their mind in their body. All this to say is you need to know

why you are engaging and supporting other people. And if

you have it, anchored like it in this way. And the suggestion is

the why if you have the reason why you want to feel needed, is

because otherwise you don't feel seen and valued. We have to go

and change this. Right? I'm not going to take away from you that

you love to be a leader. But for you to understand that your

motivation, your intention to help another person. If it is

anchored in your self worth, you're also not going to help

them to an extent that is good for them because as soon as they

feel good, you will feel weird and drained. And as if you don't

have a job, quote in their life anymore. So he will start

manipulate yourself out of the situation because you don't want

to be with a strong person because if they don't need you,

you don't feel loved. So, this is the next point we're going to

explore. Is your worth attached to the need of helping others.

Alright, once we weed through all this I will also go and ask

you directly how good are you at receiving? Love support? How

much can you surrender to your pain and admit that you're

actually struggling? Because I know there's a lot of helper

rescuers leaders out there who sometimes don't want to admit

that they need help. Once you got to the point that you

realize okay, you really need help. How open are you to you to

receive Excuse me?

Because sometimes we are so strongly identified again with

the leader position with the helper that everything that is

being offered to us we kind of laugh at we boil down I don't

that, oh yeah, I know this. Right? Again, you're stuck in

your ego, if you cannot receive love, receive support. And

that's something where the coach would also go deeper and with

you to help you be more receptive and open to receive

from others. So it's a very important thing to address

because it's good to blame others to not being able to help

you not capable, or to simply not finding anybody out there

who can help. But maybe those people are just around you, but

you're not open to receive support from them, because you

want to be seen as the strong one among your friends. But my

dear listener, if you are in this position, right now, you're

also missing out on a big, big point here, because it is. And I

know that term vulnerability is being overused. But by being

vulnerable, that we're going to make that strong connection,

especially with the people that we keep supporting the people

that are sometimes even dependent from us, right, our

children, if we can just admit to them, Hey, I'm struggling

right now, can you help me, maybe not so much with your

children, because it's not so much their job to, you know,

rescue you and support you. But maybe you don't need to be

rescued. Maybe you just need to have somebody listen to you. But

what I'm trying to say here is that you need to be open to this

and surrender to your situation. And open up. And next, we're

gonna go and find out what are you doing right now? As a self

care pro with self care programs, so to say, what what

kind of rituals Do you have? Do you meditate? How do you

meditate? Right? I have people in my life who meditate, but

they do it in such an abusive way, that it totally misses the

point of meditation, because the ego tells them all today, I

meditated for two and a half hours. And yeah. Do you feel

better at the end of the day? Or do you feel like you had to

check off that meditation point on your to do list? Same with

exercising? So I'm going to go through your list of the things

that you do already? And see, are these things really

benefiting you making you feel better at the end of the day? Do

they make you a better person? Do they make you feel awesome

physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally? Or can

we tweak them a little bit? Right? I'm not going to take

away your habits. But I'm going to explore with you, are they

good for you? And can we replace them with other practices. And

then we're gonna schedule in your self care practices into a

calendar, if you are somebody who, you know, schedules their

days and is very organized, it is very easy to do. If you are a

mom or a dad, a person who is not really okay with Excel

sheets, then we're going to find a way there too. And we'll go

with the feel good. And we'll find out why a self care so hard

for you to keep consistent with do you feel that it is useless?

Do you feel you're taking away time from other things do you

feel is it is selfish? And we will go through that belief that

you have that

makes you have resistance to self care and kind of reprogram

your brain because self care is so incredibly important. And I

know I think it was in the 80s and 90s that people were

bragging about oh my god only got two hours of sleep. I worked

until midnight and then I worked on my hobbies till six in the

morning. No, this is so crazy abusive. And again, there's

studies coming out right now, where at least six to eight

hours is necessary for a human being to function probably

healthily, I mean, over an extended time for them to not

suffer Her heart attacks or whatever it is in their 60s and

napping is even being subscribed by doctors. So it is really

interesting to look into self care and what you do right now

and to see if it is really yeah, good for you or if it is missing

the point. All right, my dear friends, thank you so much for

requesting this episode. I'm very excited for every request

you send in. I hope I was able to help you out to bring you

value and to Yeah, help you make sense of yourself and how you

approach life. Of course this is all very superficial and once we

are in a coaching session, it's it goes to the meat to your

core. And we start changing from there for the better. And yeah,

I'm excited to connect with you if we haven't already. Add me on

Facebook, Aurora Eggert, or on Instagram Aurora Eggert

coaching, and if you want to spare a second 15 seconds,

please leave me a review on Apple podcast. It helps me so

much to get the word out there and to help people around the

globe which is my my biggest dream. All right. I want you to

be healthy. I want you to be strong. I want you to be your

best self because those people are the most magnetic and

successful people out there. All right, take really good care of

yourself. And I will be out there very soon again.