When you've been through a really high conflict custody battle and you find yourself solo parenting, two kids, including one with big feelings, it makes sense that things feel hard, even if you're a trained therapist who works with parents and kids. That's the case with today's guest, sarah, who was gracious enough to agree to come on and share her story, but this is not just a story of struggle that a lot of you, I think are gonna really relate to. It is also a story of success and a story of progress. Sarah started in a place where she was really having a hard time managing her own emotions, her own behavior, her own response to her kids, and where her kids were really struggling and having a lot of really challenging behaviors. I am happy to report that a lot has changed for Sarah and for her kids. It is not perfect, it never is, but there's been so much beautiful progress and today she is sharing not only about the progress, but some of the key things that she think were instrumental in helping her get through that really tough period. If you can relate to any part of her story, I want to invite you to my webinar on February 4th. There will be a replay and I'm also opening enrollment to my small group program called The Regulation Reset. Both the webinar and the program are really focused on this very topic. How do you handle your own behavior, your own emotions, your own struggles as a single parent so that you can also show up for and help your kids as they're handling the really big stuff in life too. I'll put the links in the show notes, and now I hope you enjoy the episode. Welcome to Single Parenting With Connection, not Perfection, the podcast that honors your messy reality. It's the support you crave without the usual emotional landmines. I'm your host, Dr. Gila, and I promise I will never tell you to just tag your partner in before we start. Quick reminder. While I am a licensed psychologist and a certified coach, this podcast is not coaching and it's not therapy, and it's not a replacement for medical or psychological advice. It is for educational and informational purposes only. All right, let's dive in. Welcome Sara. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah. So can you share with the listeners a little bit about your background and what led you to reach out for coaching originally and we just looked back, it was a couple years ago now. It was 2023, so. Yeah. Well, a little bit about me. I am, actually a therapist myself. Um, and I work with, kids and parents and, you know, do a lot of these same things that I learn here with you, with parents. And, I also have two kids who are now 12 and seven, both boys. What initially prompted me to contact you was that I had in 2023, I had gone through a pretty horrific. Divorced and a custody battle, and I had gotten sole custody of both of my children in January of that year. And, we had just been living, um, in sort of emotional chaos and mm-hmm. All of the things that were coming up for my kids and for myself. It was really unmanageable to the point that I just was like, I don't know what else to do, and I think I saw an ad or something. I'm not really sure how I found you, but something clicked and mm-hmm. Um, yeah. I was really, really grateful that I did. Yeah. Actually, I think I remember how you found me, which was a parent coach directory. And I remember it stood out to you that I had a special interest in supporting single parents because that was a big part of your experience and what was going on. Yes. And I had also met with, I, my children have therapists and I had met with my children's therapists. That had not felt really helpful. Um, and, I really felt like I wanted someone for myself and someone who understood the challenges of single parenting. Um, yeah, because it feel, it felt often like there were a lot of recommendations made and a lot of, um, kind of suggestions that would work if there were another person in the home. And some of them were, Just like not, not feasible, you know, to spend, you know, hours and hours with one child or, you know, I needed to do more. Um, I felt a lot of kind of judgment, at times around the fact that I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I also work, uh, and run a business. And so that was just, it was kind of like, why can't you do more? That is, that's what I felt. Um, yeah. Other people, the other professionals. Yeah, and I, I know you've mentioned that even since then that the kids' therapists that sometimes there's like feelings of shame that come up that I'm sure the therapists don't intend to Sure, yeah. To do, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you were going through this transition. All of you were going through this transition, right? Yes. So this was shortly after the separation? Yeah. And things were pretty kind of flared up. And also the adjustment period I know was a big piece of what was going on. Yes. From them going back and forth to their fathers to, yeah. Um, no real visits with him at all. Um, just supervised contact. Um, and so that was a huge shift for everybody, including myself, because now I had the kids 100% of the time, nights, weekends, whereas I used to have, Prior to that time, like a break, you know, um, when they would go to the other parent's house, um, yeah. That was no more. Yeah. Right, right. And so you were, and this is something you talk about a lot, right? You were going through a big transition that put a lot of strain on your nervous system and on your schedule and on everything. And then your kids were also going through this. Really tough situation and that was showing up in their behavior. I know. Absolutely. Things were getting a little more flared up and I think partly because you're a therapist, you have a lot of background related to this. I remember when you came in, I was looking back at my notes from our first conversation, and you had a lot of self-awareness around this and you said, you know, I think a lot of this, a lot of what I need to work on is my own. Emotion regulation and my own ability to, you mentioned feeling like you were walking on eggshells. Your youngest was having a lot of really big behaviors in particular. Yeah. Um, and that you knew that part of it had to do with handling your own internal response and feelings. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Do you wanna, can you remember, like, do you wanna describe what that felt like? I'm sure a lot of people listening can relate to that. What was going on for you there and what felt important to you about that? Um, I think that what I felt when I kind of look back on that time and when we revisit that, I felt like I was in a constant state of fight or flight. Mm-hmm. Um, kind of. With everything in my life. But certainly that was really, pronounced with my children. And, um, you know, I was sort of trying to keep everything together, emotionally, physically, trying to keep the house running, trying to keep, you know, working. Um, yeah. And then my son, my younger son, Would have these emotional meltdowns and I would, it would, I would just be, I couldn't handle it. I mean, I would, um, become super dysregulated myself. I would want to like run away. I would run hide. I would wanna scream. Mm-hmm. Um. I could not, I felt like I could not be there for him. Because I was so, in such a state of, dysregulation basically, I could not get my nervous system to calm down, um, and to regulate. And so I knew that it was, you know, there was nothing I could do. It felt like, yeah, that was helping. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So there's almost like a. Like a helpless feeling. Absolutely. Like you know what needs to happen, but you're not sure how to make it happen. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And then I also remember you talking about, which is so relatable, I'm sure everyone can relate to this, is that you also felt a lot of guilt and shame about that. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I think as a parent, I intuitively knew that this was not helpful. Mm-hmm. You know, I was not, um, I hate to say doing the right thing, but you know, every time I would raise my voice or say something that I regretted, I would think, like I'm, I'm really like, I'm harming him, you know? Um, and also as a therapist, I knew, this is not. The right thing to do. You're not, you know, and so there was a lot of kind of guilt and self-talk around, how could you do this? You know, how can you act this way? And yet I felt like I couldn't do anything else. I was sort of in this paralyzed place. Um, yeah. So, yeah, I felt terrible about myself as a parent and um, and as a person, I think during that time. Yeah. And I've, I myself am also a therapist and I've had several other therapist guest experts on, and everyone says, right, there's this sense that like, I should be able to do this, but it's still hard. Absolutely. And before we hit record, we were talking about how there is also a lot of stigma around reaching out for help and reaching out for support. Can you speak a little to that piece of it? Yeah. Absolutely. Um, and what's interesting is that before I kind of got divorced and, had was a single parent, I kind of feel like as a therapist and maybe as a person, I judged other people kind of like mm-hmm. Who had, who would have, you know, strong, you know, significant parenting issues or you know, their kids, you know, they weren't able to kind of connect with their kids. And I would think. Well, why can't you just, you know, kind of, um, get it together. Mm-hmm. Um, little did I know, right? Um, little did I know. And I think now as a single parent, I can look back on times where I thought I could understand single parents before I was a single parent. Yeah. I had no idea. Right. And, and that's the thing. You really can't know what it's like, um, until you're in this situation. But yeah. You know, for a long time in my career I felt like I had to portray myself as a therapist, as, you know, having this perfect life and, you know, married with two kids and everything is perfect. Trust me, it's great. And, um, for a long time I didn't even wanna tell colleagues that I had gotten divorced. Um, I was so ashamed and felt like it really kind of looked. Like, there was something wrong with me that I had gotten divorced, like kind of, oh wow, she's supposed to be, helping us with our stuff and she'd look at her, she's a mess. And then of course, you know, I went through this really high conflict, um, custody situation, which was, felt just so shameful. Uh, never wanted anybody to know about that. And then, you know, but here I am, I've got. You know, sole custody of my kids. So it's pretty obvious that, you know, something has happened. So just in the last couple years, I've begun to make the connection that the more honest and vulnerable I am, the, the less shame I feel about who I am. And that a lot of people can relate to that, as a therapist. I think other people can relate to the fact that like, my life has not been quote unquote perfect, right? Mm-hmm. It doesn't look perfect. Yeah. you are talking about like the custody battle in the past, but of course, as we all know, it doesn't just sort of end cleanly No. And now everything's fine. No, this is something that's an ongoing stressor, as we say, right? Absolutely. Yeah. And so that's so interesting. The more open and vulnerable you are, the less shame you feel about it. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. And the other thing I was thinking about is, you know, again, prior to having this situation, I would look at people who had high conflict divorces and custody situations. And I would think, wow, what has happened to them? Couldn't they just put it aside for the kids and Yeah. You know, I would, I would never, you know, um. And having gone through this nightmare, I mean, it's literally like your worst nightmare kind of, yeah. Come to fruition. The other people that I've met, I've met a lot of other women who, um, you know, either were professionals, therapists like myself or just other friends of mine. Who have gone through this, and it's almost like this solidarity of, we are the only people Yeah. That kind of can know what this pain looks like because it's a very kind of, it's a different sort of thing all in itself. It's, it's like living a nightmare for a while, um, with all of the. The legal stuff that happens. I mean, you feel like you're on court tv. Yeah. Um, and that you're in like a movie. This isn't really my life. And so I think everybody, at least the people that I know who have had that experience have said that it, it's just, it's like living a nightmare. Um, yeah. And so what I'm hearing is that being in settings in communities where you're not alone in that experience mm-hmm. Has a really profoundly supportive effect. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Absolute. So you wanted to work on a few things, right? I mean, I don't wanna minimize, like we also have done a lot of work around the kiddos, you know, what's going on for them and supporting them and handling some of those challenging behaviors. But a big piece of it has been working on that first step, which is your own internal response and and your own regulation. What has been helpful or has shifted for you? I think that one of the biggest shifts, uh, has been the reminder or the, awareness that, my child is not doing this to me because that was kind of this real big story that I got into and I can still get into it. You know, this idea of like, you know, how, how could he, you know, he doesn't appreciate me, you know, I'm not appreciated. Um, yeah, I'm just working my. My tail off and, they're so ungrateful and you know, he's having this terrible, difficult meltdown over nothing. Um, you know, kind of all of these thoughts, right? Yep. Um, I think I've been able to reframe to, wow, he's really having a hard time. Like he really must be struggling. And I've really been able to embrace that. And even to use that language with. My child's older, older brother. Right. Because, um, you know mm-hmm. Sometimes it's a, it can be really challenging when he does have these big feelings and, um, I think I used to sort of blame him and, you know, kind of almost align with my older son. Like, yeah. I mean, can you just. He's so difficult. Like we can't do any, you know, to, you know, I think he's just really having a hard time and, you know, I can tell it's really hard for him. And so I've, I've even had some talks with my older son who is now, I think. Better able to understand just that his brother has these big feelings and that sometimes it's really hard for him to express those or to get his needs met, um mm-hmm. In a way. And, and he doesn't know how to express his needs. Right. A lot of the time. He just needs to have some physical affection. He needs snuggles, he needs hugs, he needs, something from me, uh, but it looks like complaining. Right? Or, recently he's been doing this, you know, I don't, I don't feel good in the morning. Like, I don't think I can go to school. And you know, at first I was like really frustrated because we have to go, we have to get going. Come on, we have a time. You know? And what I started doing is going, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Oh, let me, what do you need? Like, let me take your temperature and where does it hurt? And blah, blah. And we kind of go through that now in the mornings and I'll say, oh gosh, you know, I know, I know. And I sometimes my stomach hurts too. Da da. And then he is, he's ready to go. We just keep going. And, but I do sometimes, you know, I'll take his temperature or I'll kind of feel his head or just, you know, cuddle him a little bit and he, that's exactly what he needed. He, you know, but I just looked at it initially as, you know, he's being difficult and he's slowing us down and he always has a problem and, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That like mindset shift it sounds like has been really helpful. Not just for you but for your older kiddo also, which is beautiful. You're teaching, you're modeling for both of them, and you're teaching the older one this mindset from an early age, which is amazing. Yeah. Um, and you're also modeling for the younger one, this. Mindset and this lens through which you see his behavior. Because these kids often get so much messaging about them being annoying, defiant, you know, all this stuff. And then they internalize that and we see it show up in their self-esteem and their self-confidence and then that of course shows up in their behavior. Absolutely. Yeah. And so the mindset shift has been huge. I love that. Yeah. Anything else that's been helpful for you? A lot of things have been helpful for me. Mm-hmm. Um, I think normalizing a lot of what has been going on, with both my kids and myself, mm-hmm. And also like. Giving myself a break around a lot of this stuff. I think that oftentimes, well, not oftentimes all the time, um, I feel like I have to do everything and more, and I should do it with a smile on my face. Um, and I shouldn't struggle and I shouldn't complain, and I shouldn't feel tired and I shouldn't snap at my kids. Um mm-hmm. And I think that's kind of the messaging that I would get from these other professionals was kind of like. Just, just do it. You know, what's the problem? And I think that even just the validation and the support around the idea that I can struggle, and of course I'm struggling and it is really hard. And I think another piece has been like, what can I do for myself, right? Mm-hmm. Um. One of the things that's been extremely powerful for me, has been getting childcare. I have childcare in place to help me work, to help me, you know, go and spend time with friends and to get out. Mm-hmm. Um, I did not have that initially, and I had a huge sense of guilt around like letting my kids be with a babysitter. Hmm. Um, I felt like that was just me. You know, kind of taking a, a way out as a mom, and now it's my lifeline. I feel like asking for help and being willing to seek that out has been life changing as a single nt. And asking for help in different ways, right? Yes. So I know some people listening might feel like childcare isn't financially accessible to them right now. for some kids it works better than others, but for years it's been great and it really, As you say, like I've seen it. It's really been a lifeline for you. Yeah. But it's not the only way that you have reached out for support. Yes. I guess is one thing. Absolutely. That I was trying to say. Yeah. And then I also know we've done a lot of work around really sort of zeroing in on what things support you. Yes. Yes. Uhhuh. In fact, I remember, not this past holiday. Christmas season, but the season before, when I was kind of looking down the barrel of having my kids, to myself, for three weeks. Yeah, three or three weeks during winter, um, over the holidays with no school or any activities. And I was kind of like, I, I don't know how I'm gonna make it. And I think we had like a plan mm-hmm. Um, of what I was gonna do. And I know I, I exercised like almost every day during that time. I even encouraged them to exercise with me. I think we did activities like certain times of day, and then I think one of the things that was really helpful was that. We kind of normalized the idea that I would need to just take breaks. Right? Like, I would need to go take a nap and let them watch tv. Um, yeah. And that was okay. Uh, that I didn't have to be with them 24 hours a day doing crafts and, you know, taking them to wonderful places. Like it was okay for me to just need a break or for us to just do nothing. Yeah. Um. That was, that was tremendous. Kind of being able to problem solve through those times was really helpful. Um, but then I think in general, how to take care of myself, um, when I'm feeling overwhelmed and that has been. Like a life changer, kind of even the the awareness that, oh, I need something, you know, I am not okay today. I need rest. I need, um, exercise. I need quiet. I need yeah, by myself. That's a huge one time by myself. Um, mm-hmm. Yeah. And I wanna call out one word, you just said awareness, because people often don't even think about this as being a step, but it is like mm-hmm. Possibly the most important. It's like the linchpin step, right? Yes. 'cause if you're not aware of what's happening for you and you're not aware. Of when you need more support and what is helpful to you, then Yeah. You know, we can't even start rightly that's, that's the first place. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So getting to know yourself, and I'm also, a big theme I'm hearing is letting go of the shoulds and the shouldn't. Mm, yes, yes. Mm-hmm. Yep. Kind of be like being okay with what is and what I can do. Mm-hmm. And not having an expectation that I should be able to do everything. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well thank you so much for all of that. I think I know that so much of what you just said is so relatable and I have a feeling people listening are probably nodding their heads pretty vigorously for a lot of it. So thank you. Um, is there anything else that you want to share with the audience? Um, I think just kind of one of my takeaways or my experience has been, with you in particular, I think one of the reasons that I've connected so well has been kind of this very down to earth. Vibe, um, kind of again, normalizing, but I feel so supported, um, in our sessions. Um, I never feel judged. I feel understood. I feel heard, and I think. Kind of that idea of I'm a person here and you know, I need my own source of support and I can get That has been, probably one of the biggest gifts, of working with you. So I really. Appreciate that and you deserve it. Oh, thanks for the reminder. I need that. Yeah. Uhhuh. Yeah. Well, thank you. You're making me tear up. Um, thank you so much. I, I adore working with you, so it's a pleasure. Um, and I really appreciate you sharing. Yes, thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. It for this episode. I am so glad you found your way here. And remember, even if you're on your own, you don't have to do it alone. You've got this.