If you're trying to control your adult daughter in the way that you had control over her as a child, it's not going to work. It just won't. And it's going to damage a relationship that would feel joyful or be deeper could turn into this amazing friendship if she can't be the young adult. And make her decisions and guide her life in the way that feels good for her that is aligned with her morals and her values with you walking alongside of her being a collaborative person in her life, she may not come to you for much. You are listening to the Reconnection Rescue Podcast for mothers and daughters with your host, Brittney Scott. A podcast where we process all things mother daughter relationships and the direct effect it has on the relationships we hold as adults. Welcome back it's Brittney today's episode is going to be all about the six different stages of the mother daughter relationship. How to get your needs met inside of each stage. And if you are a mom listening to this, no matter how old your daughter is recognizing what stage you're in as her mother. And how to make sure that you are meeting her needs. Each of these stages, hold a different level of importance. And they're going to require you to show up. Differently in each stage. Create and enforce different boundaries in each of these stages. And you're going to have to understand the person that you're in a relationship with. So whether you are in the mother role or the daughter role. Each of the stages change for you, but that also changes for the other person as well. So the six stages are going to be rebirth to adolescents. Adolescence to young adult. Young adult to marriage and family. Marriage and family to midlife. And midlife too. End of life for the mother. The marriage and family portion of the six stages can change depending on. Life circumstances, choice or medical circumstances that may change what marriage and family looks like for a woman. The six stages. May turn into five. It just depends on what happens, but the stage is still Stan, whether it's five or six. Okay. So the first age birth to adolescents, this first stage is characterized by dependency nurturing and role modeling. A daughter's need in this stage is stability. It's affection, it's guidance. The patients in this first stage needs to be so big. My daughter is currently three, she'll be four in November. And my goodness. The growth and development. That is happening and this level of independence she believes she can have. It was very interesting, frustrating sometimes. But getting to, witness into watch and to guide her in her growth, into becoming. A young woman someday. I don't know. It's amazing. I enjoy it. But. The level of patients. My goodness. I love. I love being a mom at age three has really tested me. The brain development that happens in this first stage is massive. Language development. Understanding the world. Social and emotional learning of being with and around and sharing space with other people. The emotional connection to parents, especially to mom the stage is so very important to. Who we're going to be as adults. The second stage adolescents to young adult. Is these preteen and teenage years. These are the years that people warn you about when you're raising a daughter's oh, just wait until she becomes a teenager. Just wait until she's a teenager. These are those years. And I hate that we've characterized these years as something to brace ourselves for. On one hand, I get it. I understand where people are going. But on the other hand, it's frustrating because all it tells me is that they don't understand teenagers. Even though we were all teenagers. At one point. And truly not much changes. The development is still the same. The need for independence is still the same. But anyways, the adolescent years. The daughter in this stage. Meads. And increasing level of independence. So as she grows from, we'll just say 11 preteen. To 18. The level of independence continues to increase. The level of boundaries. Privacy and support that she needs again, is increasing and changing with each Set of ages. And conflict. Within inside of a relationship with her parents, with her mother. It's going to change. Not all conflict is a bad thing. It's going to happen. But. We attach conflict to this negative thing when it doesn't have to be that. Conflict can simply be a difference of opinion. A disagreement. Some tension things that just need to be worked through as rules and boundaries change. As a teenager grows closer to adulthood the rules on what she's allowed to do the rules on what you allow in the safety nets and boundaries that you put in place as a parent, those things change. And so conflict is inevitable. It's going to happen. But it doesn't mean that it has to be this big falling out. Sometimes it just means things you have to work through. So when I'm working with parents of teenagers, one thing that I like to teach them, a metaphor I want them to have in the back of their mind that I'm going to give you. It's think of this relationship as you and her standing inside of a rubber band. And. You're going to remain stationary as the mom. You're not going to move you. You're going to pick your spot. You're at you're on your end of this rubber band. She's on hers. You don't move. She's going to move. Okay. She's going to stretch a little bit TheraBands going to stretch. It's going to stretch a little bit more and a little bit more on a little bit more. She tests her boundaries in. And test her independence and sees how far she can pull away and learns who she wants to be in this world while she's creating the person. She is. Wanting to become and all the while she's pulling on this rubber band. You are not moving. Okay, your boundaries are solid. Your presence in her life is highly visible and she knows you're there. You're not. Pulling back against her in a way that's going to snap the rubber band in half. Your not. You're not creating extra tension. Okay. She knows you. She knows who you are. She knows what you stand for. She knows your boundaries. You're solid. She knows what to expect from you. You are an ever presence in her life. You aren't going anywhere and she can come to trust and know, this is who you are. You're unwavering and you are stationary. You are right there for her to return back to when she needs to. Okay. And you know that this rubber band is here. And you know that with this rubber band, she's allowed to stretch a little bit and stretch a little bit, instruct a little bit. But when a rubber band stretches. The other part of that gets like it gets pulled back in. And so when she turns around to, to see you, when she stopped stretching this rubber band and she stops pulling away and she. And she needs help or she needs support or she needs comfort, whatever it is like whatever's going on in her life. And she knows that. She needs to stop. Stop with the independence a little bit, stop pulling away. Like of course this is developmentally appropriate. It's a supposed to be happening. That rubber band is going to snap her back to you. Because you're not pulling against it. Because you're not wavering because you're not stepping outside of this rubber band because you are not going anywhere when that rubber band snaps back, because she lets go of some of this independence of some of the pooling away from you. She snapping right back to you, which is where you want her. You want her to return to you every single time she needs help. Every single time she'd In trouble every single time. She needs emotional support. Every single time. She doesn't know what to do. You want that rubber band snapping back to you, and that is why your stationary and that is why your ever present. You're not going anywhere. During this stage, she is. Exploring herself and who she is going to become. And just everything that she wants to be, and she's learning how to do some of that independently from her parents. In this stage, if. If mom. Is so angry about this independent. If mom does what she can to remove. Any level of independence because she isn't ready for it. She was not going to allow it. If the mom steps outside of this rubber band. So there's no one for this daughter to snap back to then we have the separation from mom and daughter, emotional support, dies The safety of exploring herself and messing up, but being able to return back to her mom for guidance on how to do it correctly on how to try again. On what she can change for next time. All of that is just gone. And if a teenager in this stage is going to. Have a lasting relationship with her mom. Mom has to be the stationary present inside the rubber band. That allows a little bit of stretching. Maybe you tug on that rubber band a little bit to pull her back in Hey, okay, you start to too far. Let me pull a little bit, but it's you pulling on the reins that you are inside of? Not you stepping out, not you. Refusing to let the rubber band stretch a little bit. And. Not you refusing to be a part of this like stretch and snapback. If you don't let this happen. A connection that she has to you that builds trust in safety. Gets really hard or it just dies between the two of you. And the relationship is going to be affected from that point on. All right. Stage three. This is the young adult stage. This is where you get to. Step outside of that rubber band. And watch the daughter, you just raised blossom. No, she still needs you. Okay. You're not walking away. You're just kinda stepping outside of the rubber band, but. You can still hold onto it with your hand. She meets you. She just need you in a new way. She needs you to. Shift into a position that is more collaborative. You are now walking alongside of her instead of walking behind and guiding her and being very close in. Her decision-making in putting in those boundaries to say no, in the stops in the safety net, it's you're no longer doing that. You're walking next to her. Imagine. Instead of holding the rubber band, imagine holding her hand. And so you're still there, but now it's a collaboration because her decisions are hers. She gets to make the final decision. This is her life. But she gets to collaborate that with you because you respect her, you trust her because you trust the young woman that you raised. And you're prepared to give advice versus give boundaries. Does that make sense? Like you're not setting her rules anymore. But you are giving advice to help her to. To set her own rules and to fall within her own morals and values that she has for herself in her life. You are giving advice that falls alongside of that. And you are now in collaboration with her. To help her to have a life that feels joyful and fulfilling. In this stage, if she trusts that she gets to make her own final decision, but being collaboration with you, look to you for advice, look to you for. For support That isn't rule setting. This is going to keep her in your life. Coming back for more. If you can create a relationship and her young adulthood. That tells her that you trust her. That you're proud of the young woman she's become because you raised her and guided her. And you were prepared to help her too. Fix mistakes without setting rules. You are the collaborative. Guidance person like you're helping her, you're walking alongside of her. And if you can do that in a way that allows her to be the center stage of this. You are going to keep her in your life and you are going to keep her coming back to you for support. And that trust is just going to get stronger. And this stage rolls into the marriage and motherhood stage. Because again, this is another stage of her life where she, 100% needs you. She just needs you in a new way. And sometimes the moms forget that the need in a new way, isn't pushing you away. Isn't telling you. No, it's just. The guidelines are shifting. And so can you jump into the new guideline and be supportive in that new way? And as a wife and a mother, should she choose that for her life? Her new. I guess handholding. Is going to be her partner She's going to be holding the hands of her partner. And so you're not going to be in that direct like collaboration mode because now she's in collaboration building. Her immediate family with her partner. But you are still there. It's just not as close. It's a little bit further. And your guidance and your wisdom. Is still needed, but the first person she's probably going to was her partner. Or she's going to fall on what feels natural? And the last two stages would be midlife. And then caring for an aging mother. At midlife, this truly is a friendship. This is mutual understanding, sharing mutual experiences, a potential for. A deep connection. This is the stage. You guys really get to be friends without there being a whole lot of guidance and teaching anymore. And for some people this is where things can get really fun. If you guys continue to have a great supportive relationship. And then caring for the aging mother The sandwich part of life, Caring for a mother and caring for children. You're sandwiched between two caregiving roles. And that can feel. Stressful exhausting. But those are the six stages of how the mother daughter relationships. Are going to change. Boundaries. Guidance nurturing. Support. All of these things how it has to adjust. And how it has to evolve and how it has to change for the relationship to continue feeling joyful and feel good. It's not going to look the same in each of those stages. It can't. And if you're trying to force it to look the same in each of those stages, if you're trying to control. Your adult daughter. And the way that you had control over her as a child, it's not going to work. It just won't. And it's going to damage a relationship. That would feel joyful or could be deeper could turn into this amazing friendship. If she can't be the young adult. And make her decisions and guide her life in the way that feels good for her. That. There's a line with her morals and her values with you walking alongside of her being a collaborative person in her life. She may not come to you for much. The trust is going to break down to not going to. Want your support because your support won't feel like support. It will feel forceful When I asked. Daughters the question when. What was the event or what was the experience that you remember that. Broke down the relationship. And I have them recall the last memory where it was like, This is not the relationship that I want. This is not a relationship. That's safe. Or this isn't a relationship that feels good. I asked for one event or one experience. And. That event or experience usually. I won't say always, I'll just say usually. Usually occurs during the young adult stage. That is. Most of the time the final event where they are able to say, you know what? No. This isn't okay. I don't like this. This doesn't feel good. Whether they decide to be a strain from their mom or not, or whether they just finally recognized that this was a relationship that hurts. That final experience is usually in young adulthood. And so when we. Go through to work on healing or work on just understanding their relationship with their mom. They can usually tie back. More experiences. To the adolescent stage, and this is the stage where. I think moms sometimes struggled to allow some independence while understanding her role is to be inside that rubber band. And let it keep snapping back. Maybe give it a little tug Hey, you're going too far. No, there are some boundaries here. We can't. Do this, I want you to be able to have some independence and explore, but this can't happen. They. There's no rubber band at all. And without that, there's no trust. There's no emotional support and there's no guidance. If you're listening to this and you have a mother wound, or you struggle in your relationship with your mom, I want you to answer that question for yourself. Maybe journal about it. Write it down or just sit down and give some thought to it. What was the experience or what was the event? That caused a relationship to break down. Was it last thing you remember that helped you to identify that. This shouldn't feel this way. This now looking back. I know it wasn't okay. Or wasn't normal. This is not how. A mother-daughter relationship to fill. So what is that event for yourself? And then where were you at in life? What stage were you at? And what did your relationship with your mom need that it didn't get and what would have made things better? That is one of my favorite questions is what did you need that you didn't get? Because inside of that answer, when you're able to sit down. And give words or emotions to. To that. That is a part of you that needs healing. That is a part of your inner child that is screaming. Look at me, work on this part of me. Hold my hand through this part. If you wondering what needs healing or what you need to work on. Or what part of you was still hurting? It lies inside that answer. What did you need that you didn't get. And also, if you can identify What stage you were in. When the breakdown happened or where maybe most of your hurt is occurring. If you can identify what stage you're in. That is also going to help you identify. What part of your inner child is still hurting? What part of her are you needing to heal? And what relationships today are going to help you do that? Where are you going to get that support? Where are you going to be able to. To actually let your inner child. Screen. Let her get the time and the attention that she deserves. So that you can feel better. Thank you for listening to another episode all the way through. You've made it to the end of this episode. It is not lost on me. That. Even having one person listened to my thoughts or. How I teach and explain. The mother wounds are painful dynamics inside of mother daughter relationships. It's an honor. It is an honor and I appreciate you taking the time to listen to my podcast and the episodes that I put out.