Think about the last argument you had with your partner.

I bet it started innocently enough, just a conversation about their day or something that happened or a decision you needed to make.

But somewhere in that conversation, things went sideways.

You got defensive, they got frustrated, and before you knew it, you were fighting.

Now, if you can relate to this, the problem wasn't what you said.

It was that you probably didn't listen.

And in today's episode, I'm going to show you exactly how to fix this.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm Alistair Dewes, and for over 30 years I've helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com for a free 30 minute phone call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

Now, as with last week, today's episode is a little different.

Instead of having my AI assistants Jake and Sarah explore this topic, I want to walk you through it directly, because active listening is one of the topics I most enjoy teaching to my clients.

But before I share with you the skills that will simply stop 90% of your arguments, let's talk about why most couples argue and how active listening stops it.

To start with, here's one thing most people don't realize.

Active listening isn't just about being polite or nodding along.

It's about preventing conflict before it starts.

So what is active listening?

In simple terms, active listening is a way of listening that's focused, attentive and non judgmental.

You're fully present in the conversation.

You're giving your partner your undivided attention.

You're making eye contact.

You're showing genuine interest in what they're saying.

But here's the crucial part, and this is where most people fail.

Active listening means keeping the focus on your partner no matter what they say.

For example, when I observe couples talking to each other, I see the same pattern over and over.

One person is speaking and the other person is either interrupting or just waiting for their turn to talk.

They're not actually listening.

They're preparing their rebuttal.

They're thinking about their own point.

And the conversation becomes a competition.

Who can make their point first?

Who can be right?

Who can prove the other person wrong?

Now that's not a conversation.

That's a debate.

And debates create anger.

Active listening is the opposite of this.

When you actively listen, you seek to understand your partner's perspective, even if you don't agree with it.

It's not about winning.

It's about connection.

Now, I know what you're thinking, Alistair.

This sounds great in theory, but how do I actually do it?

That's exactly what I want to share with you.

In my opinion, there are four skills that make up active listening.

Master these and you'll transform how you communicate.

The first skill is called using minimal encouragers.

This is the simplest skill, but it's incredibly powerful.

A minimal encourager is just a short sound or phrase that shows your partner you're engaged.

Things like yes, I see or go on.

Even non verbal cues like nodding or maintaining eye contact are minimal encouragers.

As I said, this sounds small, but here's why it matters.

When your partner feels like you're actually with them in the conversation, they relax.

They open up.

They don't feel like they need to fight to be heard.

A client I worked with recently told me his wife used to repeat herself constantly during conversations.

He thought she was nagging.

But when he started using minimal encouragers, just simple, huh?

And I'm listening cues, she stopped repeating herself.

Why?

Because she finally felt heard.

She didn't need to repeat herself anymore.

The second skill to actively listen well is to ask questions.

This is where most people struggle.

Instead of asking questions, they make statements.

They share their opinion, they jump in with advice, or they just wait for their turn to speak.

But asking questions shows your partner that you're genuinely interested in understanding their perspective.

It keeps the focus on them instead of shifting it to you.

Now here's what to keep in mind when asking questions.

Make sure your tone is non judgmental.

Don't ask loaded questions.

Why would you do that?

Or don't you think that was a bad idea?

Those aren't real questions.

They're criticisms disguised as questions.

Instead, focus on open ended questions.

These encourage your partner to share more.

For example, instead of asking did you have a good day?

Which is a closed question that usually gets a one word answer, try asking, how was your day?

That simple shift opens up the conversation.

And here's something I see all the time in my coaching.

People, especially men, forget to ask about feelings.

They ask for facts.

They ask questions like what happened at work?

Or what did your boss say?

But they don't ask how did that make you feel?

But when you ask about feelings, you get a much deeper understanding of what's really going on in your partner's world.

And that's where real connection happens.

The third skill to actively listen well is summarizing or reframing.

This is where you take what your partner has said and repeat it back to them in your own words.

It shows you've actually listened and understood.

For example, let's say your partner had a frustrating day at work.

They tell you about their unreasonable boss, the tight deadline, the stress.

Now, instead of immediately jumping to advice or well, that's just how jobs are, you choose.

To summarise, it sounds like you had a really tough day, your boss was being unreasonable and that made you feel stressed and overwhelmed.

Can you tell me more about it?

Notice how this sounds.

You've validated your partner's experience, you've shown you understand and you've invited them to share more if they want to.

And this does two things.

First, it makes your partner feel heard.

Second, it gives them a chance to clarify if you misunderstood something.

Either way, you're building trust and avoiding the defensiveness that leads to arguments.

Now, the fourth skill to actively listen well is giving positive feedback.

This means acknowledging your partner's feelings in a supportive, non judgmental way.

You can do this by using simple phrases like I can understand why you'd feel that way, that sounds really tough, or thank you for sharing that with me.

Now here's why this when your partner feels supported, they're more likely to open up.

In the future, they're not going to shut down or get defensive.

And that creates a cycle of better communication.

I've seen couples completely transform their relationship just by adding this one element.

A husband I worked with started saying, I'm really proud of how you handled that.

After his wife shared difficult situations.

She told me later it was the first time in years she felt like he was actually on her team.

Ok, so there you have it.

Four skills to actively listen.

Minimal encouragers.

Asking questions, summarising and giving positive feedback.

These aren't complicated, but they work.

And if you want to go deeper on this, I have an entire module in my complete anger management system dedicated to improving your listening skills.

It includes practical exercises and techniques you can apply immediately in your relationships.

And here's the bottom line.

Most arguments don't happen because of the topic you're discussing.

They happen because of how you're listening or not listening.

And when you master active listening, you remove defensiveness, you remove competition, you remove the need to be right.

And that's when your relationship actually changes.

And remember, if you're struggling with anger in your relationship right now, I want to help.

Visit angersecrets.com and book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

And finally, thanks for listening today.

If you found this episode helpful, please follow the podcast and leave a rating and review.

It helps other people who are struggling with anger.

Find the show and remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.