00:00:06 Shreya: We often think better relationships come from saying the right things or finding the right people. But what if the real shift happens much earlier inside us? What is the way we see ourselves quietly shapes every connection we create. And tonight we are exploring how healing our inner relationship can transform how we relate to others.

00:00:30 Shreya: Welcome to Healing Horizons, a space where we explore the physical, emotional and spiritual pathways to deeper wellbeing and more meaningful lives. I'm your host, Shreya, and today I'm joined by Braden Black, known as the Identity Restorer and Dream Catalyst, someone who works closely with youth and young adults to help them reconnect with who they truly are and see possibilities they may not see in themselves. Together, we are exploring a question so many of us carry quietly. How can I improve my connections and relationships with others? And what becomes possible when we approach relationships from a place of healing rather than a habit? Welcome, Braden. I'm honored to have you on my show.

00:01:18 Brayden Black: Thanks, Shreya. It's good to be here.

00:01:20 Shreya: And, Braden, before we talk about like relationships with others. Like when you reflect on your own journey, what first helped you realize that connection starts with identity?

00:01:35 Brayden Black: Connection is huge because when you surround yourself with other people, it gives you a glimpse as to who I must or not be. So there's a huge, huge need to surround yourself with the people who you want to be like or show up like, because they end up transforming you into those same kinds of people. And so if you want to discover identity and want to have a powerful mindset around your own identity, then surround yourself around other people who feel exactly the same way.

00:02:11 Shreya: That's really great. I think that's such an important starting point, like the idea that connection is not something we perform, but something we really embody. And like many people, believe improving relationship is about communication skills alone. From what you have seen, what do you see often? Like people misunderstand about why relationships struggle?

00:02:37 Brayden Black: Um. Communication is one of the biggest ones. As a marriage and family study major, that's what I went to school for. There is a huge, huge. What I see lacking communication. And that brings up a host of other problems. Now I will say this if you want to change, you can easily change. Like this is not like okay, you didn't do it in the past, so you must be done for in the future. No. If you want to make any changes or improvements, you can start now. But communication is definitely one of those that I see in relationships. A lot of people feel confused or conflicted about certain decisions or questions that they have about certain spouse or partner. And if you're not talking about those, how do you expect them to get resolved?

00:03:28 Speaker 1: Mm.

00:03:29 Brayden Black: There's there's really no other way than to really just get them out of yourself and have an open conversation about this. Because if you're we'll say in this case, you're not married to this individual, but you're interested in pursuing a relationship with them, you need to be able to create the foundation and habits now to openly communicate about whatever it is that you want to talk about, because I would hope that when you get into a marriage, you don't have one where it's like, I don't know if I can share this with them. And so communication is a massive one, I see. And having both partners like, believe in themselves individually, where they're not necessarily codependent upon each other, but they're there's a word that I'm blanking on right now that's not it's like interdependent. So they're not independent of each other, but they're interdependent, meaning that they, they have the self-belief in the structure about themselves, but that they can depend still upon each other. But they do not necessarily. I do not necessarily depend upon you one hundred percent entirely for all of my support that I need.

00:04:37 Shreya: Yes, like what I'm hearing is that when we focus on techniques, uh, I think we can, uh, miss the deeper emotional and identity based layers that's shaping how we show up.

00:04:52 Brayden Black: Mhm. Totally.

00:04:56 Shreya: Yeah. I like what tends to sit underneath strained connection, especially for people who genuinely want deeper, healthier relationships.

00:05:10 Brayden Black: And then communication if you all share this story. So I was in class one day. It was one of the first days of class at university And I didn't. I don't remember knowing anybody in the class. And I walk in and I sit next to this girl and I go in the classroom. And I asked her. I asked her what her name was, and then the very next question that I asked, because I don't like being superficial. I like asking deeper questions to really get to know somebody. And I asked her, what are you passionate about? And she's like, I don't know. That's a really deep question. And it got me thinking, like, have we gotten to the point in society where asking essentially, what is your favorite thing to do or what excites you the most is a deep question. Like, I think that with connection and today's world and with people, we're so superficial and we put up facades and cover ups to get people this outside image for us. But there is so much more depth to someone's soul that if we would just take the time to listen, like, actually listen. Here's the other thing too. A lot of people listen to respond. They don't listen to listen or understand. And there's some huge things that I could share about listening if we ended up wanting to take that conversation in that direction. But listening to understand rather than listening to respond is so huge.

00:06:40 Shreya: Yeah, that's that's a really beautiful statement. I think it sounds like, um, unresolved beliefs that about like self-worth that is quietly guide how much we allow ourselves to be seen or to be supported.

00:06:56 Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:06:58 Brayden Black: Absolutely.

00:06:59 Shreya: And also like, how do these inner patterns usually show up day to day in friendships, family dynamics, or even professional relationships?

00:07:10 Brayden Black: I think that people feel discontent in that they feel like an inner tug, an inner tug of war, like, I want to convey this thing or I want to share this, but I feel hesitant and reserved because of X, Y or Z. Fear or reservation about. Okay, well, I do want to share this thing, but if I do share this thing, what will happen? And our minds play the what if game so much that it prevents us from ever taking chances or doing the things that actually need to happen. And if we would just get outside of ourselves and, and just have these crucial conversations with people and not play the what if game, then I think that would do a lot of good for a lot of people.

00:08:04 Speaker 1: Mm.

00:08:05 Shreya: Yeah. I think that's really powerful because so many people recognize the behavior, but not the story beneath that. for someone who's listening right now and who wants to build stronger connections. Where do you suggest they begin?

00:08:26 Brayden Black: It's an excellent question. If you want to somewhat if you or somebody that wants to build stronger connections with people, build a strong connection with yourself first, especially if you're looking for a partner or a lifelong spouse. Somebody once said to me, try and focus on being the right one versus finding the right one. And when you focus on being the right one, the right one will come along. And if you're looking for that kind of intimate, deep connection, then you be the one to catalyze it. You be the one to ask the hard, deep questions. You be the one to initiate. You be the one to go out and say, I want a deeper connection with you. Be assertive. People like that. People like having those thoughts expressed clearly and openly because it shows trust and engagement and vulnerability. And so if you're somebody that wants that connection, first off, I would say again, you can you can absolutely do it. And if there's somebody that's telling you you can't, they're wrong. They're just dead wrong.

00:09:38 Shreya: Yeah. I think, uh, I really love that. I think it reframes growth as awareness rather than as self criticism. And also relationships can still feel a little hard even when we are doing the inner work. So when setbacks happens, like misunderstanding, distance or old habits, how can people stay grounded instead of discouraged?

00:10:05 Brayden Black: Yes. So a part of what I do is with helping a lot of people with confidence and like identity and belief and staying grounded is oftentimes we know who we are, but we don't believe who we are. And an exercise that I tell people to do is to write down every positive gift, talent, quality, characteristic and attribute that they own that's physical or non-physical, that other people have told them or that they just know instinctively about themselves. And I want them to write it down on a piece of paper, because writing, writing slows down the brain, and it makes stronger neural pathways so that you can clearly comprehend something, and it makes it a stronger, ingrained belief in your mind. And so if you want to become grounded, become grounded in who you are so that you can form, if you have two people trying to get into a relationship that aren't grounded in themselves, that's just going to be the most ungrounded relationship I've ever heard. You have to be able to have your own systems in place. Are you going to be perfect? No. Absolutely not. And that's why relationships are so cool and that you can help and support and build up each other to be able to do that. But to have your own personal, I call it manifesto or creed statement that this is who I am and this grounds me and what I am and what I have to offer and what I'm capable of.

00:11:27 Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:11:28 Shreya: I think that that's like a reminder that progress is relational and not linear. I think it feels deeply reassuring. And like also some people confuse emotional intensity with emotional intimacy. So from your perspective, how can someone tell the difference between what feels familiar and what actually is healthy?

00:11:54 Brayden Black: Mhm. Okay. Because you were talking about the difference between emotional intelligence and emotional intimacy. Yeah I can be extremely emotionally intelligent and that I can read rooms and I can read people and get the emotional vibe, and I'm mature in my emotions. But if I don't ever express them or go out of my way to build that sort of connection with somebody else, then I have no intimacy with somebody. At the same time, I could be totally just throwing myself out there and be totally emotionally intimate and vulnerable, but at the same time, not not mature in my emotions. Can you kind of see the difference there? Yes.

00:12:37 Shreya: Yeah.

00:12:38 Brayden Black: So there's a big distinguishing factor between what am I feeling? Is what I'm feeling appropriate for the situation. And at the same time, reading and understanding my own emotions and thought processes in a given situation or about a certain person. And I think that's how I distinguish the two.

00:13:05 Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:13:06 Shreya: And and like I think that distinction really feels important also like because comfort and health don't always look at the same for at first. And like boundaries also are often talked about as a skill. But emotionally they can feel a little terrifying. So what do boundaries really bring up for people who are afraid of disappointing or losing others?

00:13:33 Brayden Black: Yes, boundaries are so, so crucial. Let me tell you why. If you do not have boundaries, you will get stomped on, walked over, and trotted upon your entire life. Because here's the thing you have needs too. And if you don't set up boundaries to protect your needs. It's not going to be fun because every person has needs. Every person has things that they that they need in a relationship, in life. You name it. Setting up boundaries. If you actually have self decency or respect for yourself, you'll set up boundaries because that shows me that you actually care about yourself. If I don't set up boundaries, then I am just a free floating walking platform for people to just run on because I'm only concerned about letting them get what they want. There's there are many principles of selflessness and service that are extremely good, but when it becomes to the expense of you and your needs. We got to rethink those.

00:14:47 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it's really.

00:14:49 Shreya: Striking how boundaries are not walls, and they are the clarity about where we end and somewhere like someone else begins. And also like we we hear the phrase self abandonment sometimes in relationship work. How does that actually show up in everyday situations? And why is it so easy to miss self abandonment?

00:15:16 Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:15:18 Brayden Black: So I think a lot of the times we'll I haven't I'll be honest, I haven't done a lot of research or a lot of understanding about some of the products or the things that happen with self abandonment. But if I just speak from personal experience, when when I'm an individual that tries to run or separate myself from who I actually am, where there's a concept of like running from the problem, and instead when you run from the problem the first time, the next time the problem comes back, it's twice as hard. So. A lot of people will try and cope with certain things rather than actually learning how to fix what the problem is. Because if we just run and run and run and cope and cope and cope, the problem actually hasn't gone away.

00:16:08 Speaker 1: Yeah.

00:16:08 Brayden Black: It's just actually just gotten bigger. We just haven't dealt with it and we run from it every single time. And so if you feel like you're running from whether that's something from yourself or from somebody else, it will actually do you more of a service to learn how to work through and solve those things. And now, rather than in the future?

00:16:32 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think.

00:16:33 Shreya: I think that really lands and like, uh, also like I have a question, like a reflection question from my listeners, like for anyone who is listening and who feels disconnected or misunderstood right now, uh, what you like, what can they offer to themselves, the for the same compassion that they are seeking from others and what what might begin to soften that?

00:17:05 Brayden Black: So just to make sure I heard your question. All right, so I can give you a good response was when people are seeking compassion from others, would you mind just restating that question again?

00:17:18 Speaker 1: Yes.

00:17:19 Shreya: So, uh, for anyone who is listening and who feels disconnected or feels misunderstood, uh, what if, uh, like if if they offered themselves the same compassion that they are seeking from others, what might begin to be softened?

00:17:38 Brayden Black: Um, when an individual shows compassion to themselves, I think they start to grow into who they actually are because they're realizing that, like who and what I am and what I have the capacity to do is beautiful and I love me for me. And so when you start to be just as compassionate to yourself as you are to other people, I think you'll begin to discover a lot more about yourself and be not so tense, and you'll be more at ease. And you'll be. You'll be okay with being okay, which a lot of people aren't. And it causes us a lot of headache and a lot of stress.

00:18:24 Speaker 1: Yes.

00:18:25 Shreya: And I think also like healthy relationships don't begin with fixing others. They often begins with understanding and restoring the relationships that we have with ourselves. And this is truly a very amazing and very insightful conversation with you. And if after this, my listeners want to connect with you, then what's the best way?

00:18:45 Brayden Black: The best way people can connect with me is on Instagram. That's my most popular platform, and people can just look up, underscore Braden Dot black and send me a DM or a message and I'll always respond.

00:18:58 Speaker 1: Yes, and.

00:18:59 Shreya: I will make sure to attach all these details and links below, so that the listeners can find them easily and get in touch with you and know more from you and from my listeners. Thank you for joining us on Healing Horizons. If today's conversation resonated, then take a quiet moment to notice how you show up in your relationships this week with curiosity instead of with judgment, and share this episode with someone who might need it and will meet again as we continue exploring new horizons of healing and connection. And do not forget to hit the follow button. Subscribe and feel free to share your thoughts because your ears deserve premium content. Thank you.