1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,960 Hello listeners, welcome to the Science of Self on March 8, 2024, where you improve your 2 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:21,280 life from the inside out. Today's episode dives into the power of yes or no questions, 3 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:28,440 inspired by Peter Hollins book, Super Brain. We all struggle with self-discipline, but 4 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:34,600 what if the answer lies in a series of simple questions? Join us as we explore how saying 5 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,880 yes or no to yourself can be the key to unlocking your full potential. 6 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:58,280 To build self-discipline, one needs to self-monitor. At some point, you need to be able to know that 7 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:03,880 what you're doing is wrong. This moment of realization will probably, after the fact, 8 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:06,920 but you might even catch yourself in the middle of it from time to time. 9 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:12,920 All the self-discipline in the world isn't useful if you don't know when you need to exercise it, 10 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:19,000 either in the present moment or in the future. Unfortunately, most types of self-analysis are 11 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:24,440 completely foreign to us. It runs counter to how we're wired because it involves stepping outside 12 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:30,440 of our self-interested tendencies. Thus, it is not a skill we practice, and this leads us to 13 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:37,480 often being unable to explain why we do what we do. We do, we react, and then the conscious 14 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:43,160 thought comes after, if at all. Frankly, we walk around day to day with such a lack of 15 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:49,160 self-awareness that we can barely recite the steps of our work commute. As bothersome and 16 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:55,560 painful as self-analysis is, flat-out ignoring or not knowing yourself is not an acceptable 17 00:01:55,560 --> 00:02:00,440 alternative. You're not going to get far with willful ignorance or lack of perspective. 18 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:06,440 You will have to be tough on yourself and ask yourself some hard questions. That's what this 19 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:11,960 chapter is about. It contains questions you can ask yourself whenever you come to a stopping point 20 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:18,040 or a fork in the road in your progress, especially if you sense you might give up and drift off into 21 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:25,080 idleness, sloth, or undisciplined thinking. You can and should ask yourself these questions 22 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:30,360 whenever you have time to do a mental check-in. There is, however, one very important facet 23 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:35,560 about these questions. Your answers to most of them, no matter what the situation at the time 24 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:45,080 you ask, must be either yes or no. No gray areas, no but, no, it depends, and no, I don't know, 25 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:50,840 just yes or no, no explanation allowed, one word answers only. 26 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:57,400 It may sound like I'm encouraging you to set up a false dichotomy, a situation where you're forced 27 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:02,520 into choosing one of only two acceptable answers when in reality the situation may be much more 28 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:08,680 complex. This might put you in a conundrum when you can't clearly answer yes or no, but you're 29 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:15,720 right, that's exactly what I'm doing, and here's why. First, a drawn-out answer can get in the way 30 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:21,640 of executing action or change. Giving a complex answer to any of these questions could lead you 31 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:27,800 down a rabbit hole of overthinking, which will likely delay action on your part. This is otherwise 32 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:34,600 known as analysis paralysis. This is also a slippery slope to creating excuses which we already know 33 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:41,000 are no good. Second and more importantly, just answering yes or no to these questions, all of 34 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:46,600 which I'm sure can be answered more deeply and thoroughly, forces you to state a harsh truth 35 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:52,840 about yourself or know that you need to take action. When you have no option to equivocate, 36 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:57,080 justify, or over-explain, you're forced to make a sharp, clear judgment on yourself. 37 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:04,280 If you're over 50% at any point toward yes or no, that's your answer. Your justifications, 38 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:10,280 defenses, or explanations about why you're doing or not doing it don't matter. Either you're doing 39 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:15,080 something or you're not, and most of the time when you're forced to answer like this, you're not 40 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:22,920 going to like what you find. This pushes you to act. Were you late to baseball practice? Well, 41 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:28,760 there was so much traffic and you guys didn't start on time anyway. That might be true, 42 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:34,440 but that's not the question that was asked. Instead, this answer provides no information 43 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:39,800 and displays a similar amount of self-awareness. This person doesn't think they're the type 44 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:46,920 to be late to baseball practice. Yes, now you've reached a harsh truth. You can either choose to 45 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:52,120 accept that your actions define you, or you can exercise better discipline in the future 46 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:58,040 to change this answer. This ends up being an important piece of the puzzle with the yes-no 47 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:04,760 questions we use. The entire crux of self-discipline is that you're doing what you need to do despite 48 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:11,000 wanting to give up and despite pain and discomfort. Thus, it's only appropriate that you stop the 49 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:17,080 habit of justifications and equivocations and simply get things done, no matter how valid 50 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:23,160 those excuses might be. That's why you bought this book after all. You can discuss all the 51 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:28,360 me-getting factors, roadblocks, issues, or complications when you're in the post-mortem 52 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:36,840 phase, when your projects are done and submitted. Do first and stop talking in circles. With that, 53 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:42,120 let's dive in. When you feel you're at a crossroads or a stopping point in getting to where you 54 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:48,520 want to be, the questions you need to ask are as follows. It might help to jot them on a note card 55 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:53,720 somewhere or even carry them with you as a sort of self-discipline compass whenever needed. 56 00:05:55,640 --> 00:06:02,600 1. Will this course of action create a gap between my ideal self and my non-desired self? 57 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:09,160 You want the answer here to be no, and you should do everything possible to not answer yes. 58 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:16,040 Your ideal self is the one who possesses the self-discipline of a Shaolin monk on steroids. 59 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:21,640 Let's say you're striving to be more productive at work. You fear that a lot of your colleagues 60 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:27,160 have no idea why you're at work. You're nice enough, but they can't name one thing that you've done 61 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:33,800 to make yourself indispensable. You become aware of this possibility and it frightens you. You start 62 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:40,200 to see yourself that way. The thing is, you don't feel like yourself at work. You're riddled with 63 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:45,800 anxiety and never really feel like the people know who you are. You don't have this issue 64 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:52,120 in your social life. In fact, when explaining it to others, you give yourself an alter ego to 65 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,720 show how you're almost a different person entirely when you're at the office. It's called rain. 66 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:04,600 Rain is easily distracted. They spend a lot of time online at work, not always in work-related 67 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:10,440 pursuits. They don't have a huge attention span at meetings. They do exactly the minimum required 68 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:17,480 to not get fired. But given enough time, rain's lack of ambition and effort will make them redundant 69 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:25,560 or expendable. But the person who you want to be is named somewhat audaciously steel. Steel is 70 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:30,840 constantly assured. They never lack confidence. They know everything that goes on in their work. 71 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:35,880 They don't have a lot of time for distraction. If there's a moment steel's not working, 72 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:41,480 they're probably doing research on a future project or idea. They're optimistic and charming. 73 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:46,200 They have a lot of answers, though they'll say, I don't have all the answers without sounding 74 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:52,440 desperate. And of course, their work ethic is second to none, and they have the self-discipline 75 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:58,840 of a Buddhist monk on a three-month silent retreat. Your conflict here is between the idea 76 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:04,120 of your ideal self, steel, the kind of person who reflects your highest values, standards, 77 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:10,680 and capabilities, and your undesired self, rain, the role you might indulge in sometimes, 78 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:17,720 but strive to avoid as much as possible. Will your actions bring you closer to steel or rain? 79 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:24,120 Will you move further away from your ideal, or will you go closer to achieving it? Again, 80 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:30,760 this is a yes or no question. There may be a slight gap, but down the line it might be worth it, 81 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:36,760 or, well, you see, this time is different because are not acceptable answers. Yes, 82 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:41,800 the gap is bigger, or no, the gap is not bigger are your only choices. 83 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:48,520 This question is important to ask because it raises the absolutely frightening possibility 84 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:53,080 that you're not the type of person you want to be, and that your identity is at risk. 85 00:08:53,800 --> 00:09:00,360 It raises the possibility that you are lying to yourself. It creates a conflict between your words 86 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:06,520 and your actions. It gives direct consequences to your actions by linking you to either steel 87 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:14,200 or rain. Thus, you're pushed to protect yourself worth an image. The verbal realization of, yes, 88 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:20,440 I'm not who I want to be, am supposed to be, or pride myself on being, just might shake you into 89 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:27,480 action to do something about it. It should inspire you to make the first efforts to instill the 90 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:34,520 discipline that will get you toward your ideal self. This question tends to feel a little confrontational, 91 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:39,800 so here's an alternative phrasing. Does this course of action get me closer to my goal? 92 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:46,200 Some people are simply more goal-oriented than identity-driven. It's easier for them to measure 93 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:51,400 their progress by the attainment of milestones or targets rather than in terms of self-worth. 94 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:58,120 In the end, this version of the yes-no question also links direct consequences to your actions. 95 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:05,000 No matter which iteration of the question you ask yourself, it should make you consider cold 96 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:10,760 reality. Are you truly acting in your own best interests and bringing yourself closer to your 97 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:17,640 ideal? Or are you working against your belief? If you come to the conclusion that you're not 98 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:22,600 serving your self-interest, then what exactly are you getting out of this deal? Will it be worth 99 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:28,120 the sacrifice? At least gain self-awareness that you are making a trade-off. 100 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:36,920 2. Does this action truly represent my intentions? Hopefully you answer yes, 101 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:42,040 because self-discipline is reflected only when actions and intentions match. If not, 102 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:48,360 what are your actions actually working toward? Let's say you have a goal of writing a novel. 103 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:53,640 You think about it a lot. When you're working your day job, chipping away at another responsibility 104 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:59,240 you need to look after, you're still imagining yourself as a published author or at least somebody 105 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:05,240 who's written a complete book. You're planning characters and plot points in your head and seemingly 106 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:10,440 dreaming about your work all the time. When you get free time after work or on the weekends, 107 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:16,040 you're doing a lot to unwind, hitting the coffee shop, taking long walks, meeting friends for lunch, 108 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:21,880 spending time online, hitting the bars at night, basic distractions. You might be talking about 109 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:26,920 your book to friends, who at least appear to be interested. The one thing you're not doing though 110 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,560 is actually working on the book. You're not committing anything to writing. You've got an 111 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:36,680 empty file folder on your desktop, waiting to be filled with sketches, ideas, and text, 112 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:42,520 but there's nothing in it. You're not doing anything wrong necessarily, but are your actions 113 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:48,200 actually accomplishing what you want? Are you actively working toward finishing that novel 114 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:53,480 and trying to get on the road to be a full-time writer? That's the next line of interrogation 115 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:59,880 for you. Are your activities in alignment with your intentions? Is what you mentally desire 116 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:04,920 being translated into action? Are you doing what you need to be doing, or are you merely 117 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:11,240 paying at lip service? Even worse, has your attention drifted away from your best intentions, 118 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:17,400 leading you to act without a goal at all? The easiest example of this would be sending work 119 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:23,320 emails on your phone, but getting sidetracked by social media. You probably don't have any problem 120 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:29,560 imagining or even meditating on your desires. You may have a very clear picture in your head as to 121 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:35,880 what you want to be, but unless you're actually gearing your efforts toward fulfilling that goal, 122 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:42,840 those thoughts and intentions don't mean a thing. You won't get credit, a claim, or congratulations 123 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:49,800 for thinking a good game. You get them for doing something. You can have very articulated, very 124 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:55,480 clear visions for what you want to be, but if what you're doing isn't directly contributing to those 125 00:12:55,480 --> 00:13:01,880 intentions, you're not getting anywhere. Intentions don't pay the bills. For instance, 126 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:06,600 don't pat yourself on the back for thinking about bringing your significant other a present. 127 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:11,880 This won't be very convincing to them. The answer to this question has ramifications 128 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:17,000 outside the attainment of your goals. It also strikes to the heart of your character. 129 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:23,080 Someone who talks a good game but can't match it with definitive actions could be considered 130 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:29,880 undependable or untrustworthy. Your reputation hinges on what you're actually able to accomplish. 131 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:36,360 Not being able to match your emotions with actual work is a sign of mental frailty, 132 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:42,360 no matter how complete your idea might be in your head. Anyone can talk like a writer, 133 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,320 and it might be good for a lively evening of interesting discussion, 134 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:50,840 but that completely evaporates when the conversation's over if you don't actually work on the novel. 135 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:57,000 Words and evocative speech ultimately don't mean anything. Action does. 136 00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:02,920 That's why this question is important, and like the first question, it might be more helpful if 137 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:10,600 your answer is no, again, without any conditions, explanations, footnotes, or excuses. Just no. 138 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:16,680 Hopefully the cold shock of that no will spur you to put your intentions into actions. 139 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:21,160 This question could be asked about almost any aspect of your life. 140 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:27,000 Am I being a responsible parent and keeping my behavior in line with what I tell my kids? 141 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,720 Am I working hard enough to reach my goal of learning a new language? 142 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:37,800 Am I really working hard enough at being the best pool player in the western hemisphere, 143 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,080 or do I need to spend more time practicing my bank shots? 144 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:47,400 Any kind of ambition or goal that you have in mind, no matter how personal or public, 145 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:52,280 is easily addressed by asking yourself if your actions are meeting your intentions. 146 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:57,880 Yes or no? That's almost always enough to get you moving in the right direction. 147 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:03,640 If not, it'll be because of your intentions themselves, not how self-disciplined you are. 148 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:13,560 3. Am I merely uncomfortable? Is your reason for not wanting to exercise self-discipline 149 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,920 related only to mere discomfort and nothing actually harmful? 150 00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:23,240 You want to answer no here, otherwise you're admitting that you melt faster than an ice cube 151 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:30,120 in summer. Consequently, you may realize how much you disempower yourself. Let's talk about 152 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:34,760 going to the neighborhood gym. Almost anybody who is in decent physical shape, 153 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:39,880 it stands for reason, has probably conquered most of their self-consciousness about working out in 154 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:46,920 public and has no problem sweating it out in the presence of strangers. For those who aren't top 155 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:52,920 physical specimens, the story can be quite different. Exercising can make them uncomfortable 156 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:57,800 for a myriad of reasons. From the moment they get on a treadmill, they may feel like they're 157 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:03,400 being watched and judged. If they try to do an arm curl, they may feel embarrassed or timid in 158 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:08,200 the presence of someone who's obviously done thousands of them. If they're trying to work 159 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,840 off the punch around their stomach, they may feel that other people are watching and appraising them 160 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:18,360 harshly. This is, of course, ignoring the muscular fatigue and soreness they can follow. 161 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:24,920 Thus, for someone who is debating going to the gym, is mere discomfort holding them back or 162 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:30,120 is it the prospect of real harm? That's the crux of the third yes or no question. 163 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,000 Do I not want to do this just because it makes me feel uncomfortable or is this actually having a 164 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:44,040 negative harmful effect on me? I'm willing to bet that 99 times out of 100, the answer is yes, 165 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:49,640 it's merely uncomfortable. You're being pushed out of your comfort zone. You will suffer a bit 166 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:56,200 mentally. Your body will grow sweaty and fatigued. Your brain will be exercised to its full capacity. 167 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:02,280 You may experience some negative emotions such as stress and anxiety. You will recover just 168 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:10,600 fine without lasting repercussions. This is all discomfort. And then? And then nothing. So are 169 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:16,200 you the type of person to pack it in just because you're uncomfortable? Feel free to slide down the 170 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:21,880 slipperish slope of what kind of person that might make you. Your worst case scenarios and 171 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:27,640 wild justifications are just providing a flimsy reason to avoid discomfort. In fact, 172 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:33,320 they're nothing more than mental illusions. This question forces you to face the shame that 173 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:39,880 you're easily stopped by discomfort. Discomfort has and never will be a legitimate reason to not 174 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:45,400 exercise self discipline. And thus, this shame should propel you into action. 175 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:53,160 This is a question where the yes-no dichotomy is particularly effective. Every single thing we 176 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:59,480 do to better ourselves, to effect positive change in our lives, is going to involve some measure of 177 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:06,600 inconvenience, discomfort, or fatigue, at least in the beginning. It might even involve minor pain, 178 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:11,960 especially if you're working out for the first time. But are any of those consequences inherently 179 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:19,000 harmful? No, they're not. There are a thousand cliches that reflect that truth, like no pain, 180 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:26,040 no gain. Affecting real change in your life is going to involve a measure of discomfort. I can't 181 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:31,880 think of any kind of emotional, physical, spiritual, or occupational change that doesn't entail some 182 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:37,400 irritation, soreness, inconvenience, or bother. If they didn't, everybody would do it. 183 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,600 Think about this question with everything you do that's causing you some measure of discomfort. 184 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:47,800 You have the choice to be lazy and weak-spirited or get into action. 185 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:55,880 4. What would I do if I had no choice but to exercise self-discipline? 186 00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:02,120 We'll break from the theme of the chapter here for a moment, as this isn't a yes-no question. 187 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:08,520 Sorry, I couldn't resist. Still, keep the answer short and sweet and rooted in reality 188 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:14,440 without rationalizations. If there was a gun pointed at your head, what would happen if you 189 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:20,360 were forced to exercise self-discipline? You might be forced to admit that absolutely nothing bad 190 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:26,280 would happen, and in fact, you'd be better positioned than before. Similar to the last question, 191 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:30,040 you may experience discomfort, but you'd get through it and persevere. 192 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:35,800 Let's go back to the gym. You've been working out for an hour. You just received a phone call 193 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:42,440 that if your heartbeat drops below a certain rate, your entire family will die. So, you jump on the 194 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:47,800 treadmill and try to hold on for dear life. Nothing feels comfortable at this point, 195 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:54,040 as you have fatigue, self-consciousness, revulsion at your own body odor, sweat marks everywhere, 196 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:59,240 the whole nine yards, your lungs are burning and your mouth is dry. Miraculously, 197 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:05,720 this criminal is caught after an hour. Besides those discomforts, what awful consequences have 198 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:13,000 come as a result of your being forced to work out? None. The point is to understand that the 199 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:19,320 worst-case scenarios we dream up will never occur. The benefits of your efforts are going to be real, 200 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:24,440 and the price you have to pay to get them in the end won't be much at all. You might not 201 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:29,960 even remember the pain or discomfort later. If you do, you'll probably firmly believe it was 202 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:35,720 worth all the pain to get where you wanted to go. When you force yourself into something, 203 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:41,720 you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. When you try to summon up the will to exercise 204 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:47,880 self-discipline, picture yourself as having no plan B whatsoever. Don't look for shortcuts, 205 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:53,080 don't search for less taxing or exhausting schemes, and don't try to negotiate with yourself. 206 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:59,880 Again, gun to your head, you'd sigh, groan a bit, and then set to your task without any other 207 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,800 consequences. Imaginary Crisis Averted 208 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:09,480 Hopefully, it will make you understand how your fleeting impulses of annoyance or minor 209 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:16,120 discomfort can derail you from your plans and how they shouldn't. The satisfaction you receive 210 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:22,120 from your positive consequences will be more than enough to strike those small peeves from your memory. 211 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:29,960 5. Is I Don't Want To A Good Enough Excused To Not Do Something 212 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:36,040 You already know the answer to this question. No. And hopefully, the way it's phrased makes 213 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:42,840 you realize that I don't want to is a bit of an entitled and lazy thing to say. And you don't 214 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:49,800 want to be entitled and lazy, do you? No matter how you dress it up or rationalize it, most of the 215 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:56,200 time we just don't want to exercise discipline because we don't want to. We can play devil's 216 00:21:56,200 --> 00:22:01,640 advocate first to bring some context to this question. Why should you do something you really 217 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:08,280 don't want to do? Life is a complicated enough affair as it is. Why weigh it down even more 218 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:12,840 with something that you just don't want to experience or put effort towards things that 219 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:18,120 make you miserable to any degree, even if they will result in positive consequences? 220 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:24,520 What's the difference? Don't you have free will? What about living for carpe diem and truly 221 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:31,480 living life because you're only young once? Those are all true, but now imagine people who 222 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:37,080 do not have your range of options. Some people have to do things that nobody else wants to do 223 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:44,120 to make ends meet. They work menial or strenuous jobs or work multiple jobs because they absolutely 224 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:49,800 have to. Some of them have to take care of entire families, which might restrict them from things 225 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:56,040 they really want to do. In fact, they may be so busy or preoccupied that they don't have time to 226 00:22:56,040 --> 00:23:01,400 even think about what they really want to do. They have no time for anything except working, 227 00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:07,560 eating, and sleeping. They indeed have the proverbial gun to their head from the previous question. 228 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:14,200 And then they have to do that every day of the week. Some of them may be perfectly content with 229 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:19,880 this. Maybe they find meaning in what they do and that's enough for them. That is respectable. 230 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:25,720 You, however, by virtue of being able to hem and haul and procrastinate, 231 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,000 are in a position of privilege to have the choices they don't. 232 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:34,280 The chores and tasks you have to endure to get to the goal you want to reach 233 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:39,560 are opportunities they do not have. They'd love to have the time to learn a foreign language, 234 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:44,760 develop a knowledgeable appreciation for art, or spend time learning to communicate with their 235 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:51,320 loved ones. They'd also love the choice to not do something they need to do. They just don't 236 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:58,440 have the ability or time. You do. And not to be mean, but hey, let's be honest. If a long 237 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:02,120 shoreman heard you complaining about the leg cramps you got while doing sit-ups, 238 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:09,000 he might think you're being a little, well, ridiculous. He has no choice but to wake up 239 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:15,000 at 5 a.m. each day and work until 8 p.m. How's that for a bit of perspective? 240 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:21,320 Surely you can push a bit harder in the gym. Surely you can make the bed every morning. 241 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:28,760 Surely that darned car can finally get washed. The answer to this question then is, hopefully, 242 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:35,080 no, it's not a good excuse for anything. Everybody does something they don't want to do 243 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:39,880 from time to time, but some people don't have the opportunity to do anything else. 244 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:44,680 Turn that realization into a sense of gratitude that you can do it. 245 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,800 That's not just the right way to be, either. It will give you a positive outlook, 246 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,640 because it's impossible to feel gratitude and negativity at the same time. 247 00:24:54,840 --> 00:25:00,200 Spend some time thinking about people who have to do those arduous or dreadful jobs 248 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,600 every day of their lives. Write them down in a list if you have to, 249 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:10,920 then put yourself in proper perspective about the pesky discomforts or chores you have to do 250 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:17,480 to get to your goal. Your being able to do those annoying things is actually a great freedom. 251 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:23,400 These things you want to avoid are only drudgery if you choose to see them that way. 252 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:31,160 Coming at a task from a mindset of gratitude versus dread will create vastly different outcomes. 253 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,720 In the grand scheme of things, you're not asking all that much of yourself, 254 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:40,520 and the end result will be far more worthy of your mental energy than what you spend 255 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:48,760 to complain about them. 6. Am I doing the right thing or the easy thing? 256 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:55,080 Sorry, another deviation from the theme of the chapter, yet it's still a helpful question to 257 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,640 bring clarity to what you're trying to accomplish at the moment or in the future. 258 00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:05,320 Going to the gym would be the right thing, while the easy thing would be staying at home. 259 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:12,280 The easy thing would also be researching healthy recipes online, or anything else you do to slightly 260 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:17,960 ease your guilt. Unfortunately, doing the right thing usually means doing the hard thing. 261 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:24,520 Actually, they're almost always the exact same thing. The average person doesn't typically 262 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:29,320 choose things that are difficult when there is an alternative, which is why self-discipline is 263 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:34,760 often the missing component for many people who don't fulfill their goals. People drift 264 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:40,440 toward the path of least resistance, consciously or not. If you don't want that to be you, 265 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:45,960 you'll need to be able to consciously answer whether you are doing that or doing what's right. 266 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:52,360 When you can't confidently say that you're doing the right thing, you're not, and then you're forced 267 00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:58,360 to compare the difference between right and easy. If you're not doing what you should be, 268 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:03,880 then anything else out of your mouth is an excuse, plain and simple. Instead of beating 269 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:09,080 around the bush and soothing your ego, it would actually be better to start being honest and 270 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:15,480 upfront with yourself about your behavior. Categorize your actions into right or easy. 271 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:24,120 Running to lose weight, right thing. Skipping a workout, easy thing. Cutting workout short, 272 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:32,040 easy thing. Instead of rationalizing skipping a run because it's too hot outside or it's too late, 273 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:38,280 you'd just start saying, I'm not going to run today because I'm too soft and lazy to maintain 274 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:45,800 discipline. In reality, why are you skipping the run? Because you're lazy. You know the 275 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:51,400 right thing to do is run. Therefore, you're taking the easy way out. In effect, you become 276 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:57,000 brutally honest and confrontational with yourself, which is sometimes the only way to get a message 277 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:03,080 across. You should always want to answer that you're doing what's right, and that will frequently 278 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:08,920 mean that you have to make a little extra effort. But when you do it consistently, that extra effort 279 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:14,600 pays off. For example, you might have the opportunity to cheat while taking an exam. 280 00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:20,040 Knowing that they wouldn't be caught, the typical student probably takes that opportunity to cheat 281 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:26,040 and runs with it. But then the final exam comes around, and now the test taking environment is 282 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:31,480 much more closely monitored to the point that cheating would be risky or even impossible. 283 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:38,440 The students who didn't cheat on previous exams and relied on their own studying will have actually 284 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:42,840 learned the material throughout the semester and given themselves a good shot at success, 285 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:48,280 while the students who cheated their way through the entire semester won't know anything on the 286 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:55,480 final exam. Reaching your goals isn't all that different from succeeding on that final exam. 287 00:28:56,520 --> 00:29:02,200 Sure, you might find little successes from shortcuts, from rationalizations along the way, 288 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:06,760 but eventually it catches up to you and you'll find you don't have what it takes. 289 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,560 Doing the right thing may feel like the harder route in the moment, 290 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:17,640 but when you do it consistently, it winds up being the most efficient route to accomplishing your goals. 291 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:22,520 Is there a real obstacle to my goal that can't be overcome? 292 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:29,960 Think of this question as an excuse buster. An excuse is something that appears on the surface 293 00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:35,160 to be quite rational, but in reality is nothing more than an attempt to wriggle out of something 294 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:40,360 that is difficult or uncomfortable or even just something that takes you slightly out of your 295 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:47,160 comfort zone. Look, obviously on occasion there really will be a good reason for you not to do 296 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:51,960 your workout that day. Both of your arms have suddenly fallen off, but usually there's a 297 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:57,960 workaround no matter what. Looks like it's leg day then. The truth is that most of the reasons 298 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:04,360 we give ourselves for not doing something are bogus and deep down we know it. What is really 299 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:10,760 the obstacle? Think about it, a person who truly doesn't want to do something won't do it. No matter 300 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:15,960 how easy it is for them, they'll dream up any number of excuses to say why they can't. And a 301 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:22,200 person who truly does want to do something cannot be dissuaded, i.e. no matter what obstacles emerge, 302 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:28,040 they do what they want to do. What this means is that it's not even really about the obstacles 303 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:34,760 at all, it's about our will, intention, and self-discipline. If you catch yourself telling 304 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:40,280 yourself a nice little story about why you couldn't possibly do the thing you said you were going to do, 305 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:48,120 stop. Take a close look at what's going on and ask, is there really an obstacle in the way here, 306 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:55,080 or is my attitude the obstacle? Another way to look at it, there may be obstacles, sure, 307 00:30:55,160 --> 00:31:00,760 but then again there always are. There are so many obstacles in life, you may as well say there are 308 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:06,440 none because to have something standing in your way is pretty much the norm. It'll always be something, 309 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:14,440 the weather, money, other people being idiots, tiredness, work, you name it. If not one thing, 310 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:21,880 then the other. But are those obstacles that cannot be overcome? Probably not. Either you can 311 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:27,880 acknowledge that you're just making excuses and refuse to believe them, or B, you can take the 312 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:34,040 obstacle at face value, but refuse to let it mean anything, i.e. sure it's going to be tricky, 313 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:40,120 but so what? You'll just find another way. If we're honest, the answer to this question is almost 314 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:50,120 always nope. What is the outcome of this action if I continue along this path? The easy, tempting, 315 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:54,760 distracting thing is right here in front of you, promising instant gratification. 316 00:31:55,720 --> 00:32:00,760 Indulging conceals its true cost though, which only kicks in later down the line in the future. 317 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:07,800 Is your present self engaging in behavior that's screwing over your future self? In other words, 318 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:13,400 are you doing things that your future self will regret? The idea behind this question is to activate 319 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:19,800 long term thinking and downplay our tendency to focus only on the immediate rewards of an action 320 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:28,760 in the present. Here are two options. Option A, pleasure and ease. Option B, turning down pleasure 321 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:35,400 and ease. The choice is an easy one, right? You go with A. Life is hard. Why not make the best of it? 322 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:41,320 Take the afternoon off for no reason. Have a treat or do a sloppy job on a task to just get it done. 323 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:49,880 But look at this set of options. Option A, pleasure and ease, followed by guilt and shame 324 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:57,160 at 10 minutes, then regret at 10 days, a deep sense of disappointment in yourself 10 weeks, 325 00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:01,800 and then the feeling that your dreams have passed you by and it's too late to do anything now 326 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:10,840 10 months or years. Option B, turning down pleasure and ease, followed by nothing in particular, 327 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:16,760 10 minutes, but then a little pride at having strength to be self-disciplined 10 days, a 328 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:23,560 stronger sense of focus 10 weeks, and the completion of your dream goal 10 months or years. 329 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:30,760 Which seems like the better choice now. They are of course both the same options in each case, 330 00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:36,040 only the second pair truly accounts for consequences of your actions and takes a long term view. 331 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:42,840 The trouble is that all the less beneficial actions seem to have rewards that play out instantly 332 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:47,400 with a bill that comes later, whereas the better choices take time for their benefits to show. 333 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:55,240 If we aren't patient, focused and diligent, we will always pick option A, but still pay for it 334 00:33:55,240 --> 00:34:01,640 later. The old adage, act in haste, repent at leisure, captures this idea somewhat. 335 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:09,000 Actions mature. Sometimes results only fully appear long after their instigating action. 336 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:14,600 By asking the above question though, you're correcting this bias for rewards in the present 337 00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:17,640 and doing a full accounting of what an action really costs you. 338 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:22,600 Don't choose something, simply according to the benefits you perceive in the moment. 339 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:27,480 When you choose something, you're also choosing the consequences of that thing. 340 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:33,720 Even consequences that play out over decades, you're choosing what happens over the next minutes, 341 00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:40,600 days, years and months. Also, if you did this action, what other actions would it make easier 342 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:46,280 and more probable in the future? And are those what you really want? In other words, 343 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:51,000 the more choose, pleasure and ease, the easier it is to keep choosing it. 344 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,680 The next time you're faced with something that threatens to derail your discipline to action, 345 00:34:56,680 --> 00:35:02,680 ask what indulging looks like down the line. Look at possible outcomes and consequences. 346 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:10,200 Ask what happens in 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 years. Hey, there's a chance that 347 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:15,240 acting now has few if any consequences and it's best to seize the day and have a good time, 348 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:18,600 but at least choose that option with open eyes. 349 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:22,040 Takeaways 350 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:31,720 Yes or no? Just a simple answer, please, with no BS. This chapter is all about self-interrogation 351 00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:37,080 and digging into your excuses and rationalizations to avoid exercising self-discipline. 352 00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:42,840 What follows is typically self-awareness at how casually you view avoiding work. 353 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:49,640 There are six questions to bring clarity. Most are indeed yes or no questions to force you to 354 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:56,680 either admit a harsh truth or take action. Will this course of action create a gap between my 355 00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:04,200 ideal self and my non-desired self? Alternatively, does this action take me closer or farther from 356 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:12,120 my goals? Does this action truly represent my intentions? If not, then what the heck am I doing? 357 00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:18,840 Am I merely uncomfortable? Am I letting mere discomfort keep me from my goals? 358 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:26,840 Am I so mentally weak? What would I do if I had no choice but to exercise self-discipline? 359 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:35,080 Certainly not the worst case scenario. Is, I don't want to, a good enough excuse to not do 360 00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:41,640 something? You may have the ability to use this excuse, but what about those who are never able 361 00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:48,360 to take a break and have to act every single time? It's difficult to feel gratitude and 362 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:54,040 lack self-discipline at the same time. Am I doing the right thing or the easy thing? 363 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:59,720 There's usually only one path to what you want, and it's not typically an easy one. 364 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,480 Is there a real obstacle to my goal that I can't overcome? 365 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:11,000 This focuses you on the fact that most of the time, the so-called obstacle is not the problem, 366 00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:17,160 but our attitude is, if we wanted to do it, no obstacle would stop us, and if we didn't want 367 00:37:17,160 --> 00:37:23,640 to do it, we wouldn't, even if there were zero obstacles. What is the outcome of this action 368 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:30,280 if I continue along this path? Switch your focus away from instant gratification and see how a 369 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:37,720 decision plays out over time, from 10 minutes to 10 years into the future. When you choose something, 370 00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:43,960 you're also choosing the consequence of that thing, even if those consequences don't kick in for a while. 371 00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:58,680 Thanks for joining us on The Science of Self, where you improve your life from the inside out. 372 00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:06,840 Remember, the power to change lies within you. Visit Peter Holland's website at bit.ly 373 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:21,880 slash peterhollands for more insights on maximizing your potential. We'll see you next Friday.