00:00:06 Sana: There are lives that accumulate so much that the only genuine, honest response. The best possible way is to write it down. A gambling addiction that shaped your early years. Financial hardship, losing both parents to cancer and then a diagnosis of your own with a rare form of esophageal cancer. Listeners today for this episode of The Mindful Living With sit with someone who did exactly that. He wrote it down and what he found in the writing. It was not a tidy lesson, but it was a genuine, genuine reckoning with what it means to survive, to grieve, to heal, and to keep going.

00:01:02 Sana: So welcome back, dear listeners to the Mindful Living Podcast. As you all know, this is the space for those honest, unhurried conversations about what it actually takes to live well when life has not been gentle. Imeson as always. And listeners, today I'm sitting with someone who is a nurse. He's a cancer survivor and also the author of a memoir called Blades of Resurrection. So let's welcome Michael Grayson. Michael, welcome to the show, and I'm really honored.

00:01:35 Michael Grayson: Thank you for having me.

00:01:37 Sana: Okay, Michael, um, we'll start with, where the memoir starts. the decision to write it. Um, because, uh, I think, it kind of, first of all, we, we generally think that, uh, not everyone can, you know, write it all down or it has to always be like this very technical or very perfect way of writing. But then, uh, our listeners would love to know what made you decide that this story needed to be told in that form. And what was it like to sit down and face all of it?

00:02:14 Michael Grayson: So what originally happened was I had made a career choice in my nursing practice to move from one location to another facility simply because of just of a lot of respect that I was getting at that facility and looking for a new environment where I didn't have to basically keep trying to prove myself to anyone. And I realized when I made that career move, after all that I had been through, through my recovery, it generated all this energy within me that it didn't, I didn't know exactly what to do with it at the beginning. And what I actually started doing was I started writing by hand. I started writing out my experience. I started out right at the beginning of my cancer journey, and then I went all the way back to the youngest memories of my childhood, and I just kept going through that. I handwrote about thirteen to fourteen chapters at first, and with each draft that I went through, it became more of a cohesive story. And the way that I came up with Blades of Resurrection is the first blade is the scalpel, because I am underwent surgery to remove this cancer. The other blade was actually more of a spiritual vision that I had where I, um, had a vision of being pierced with a sword in another lifetime. And I didn't know exactly what to do with it at first, but I had already written most of my memoir, and I found that experience that I had through spirituality and meditation, the perfect way, not only to finish my memoir, but to fully name the memoir Blades of Resurrection.

00:04:11 Sana: Oh, and, um. And I want to actually also, um, ask you on the gambling addiction specifically because it is a chapter of your life that shaped everything that came after. Um, and first of all, I think it needs a great deal of courage, but at the same time, vulnerability as well, because most of us wouldn't want to share that out loud. It definitely needs a different kind of, um, courage. But then Michael, what did that period cost you? and what did finding your way out? um. Of it. What did it teach you about yourself that probably nothing else could have taught you?

00:04:59 Michael Grayson: So the gambling addiction, it really originated because I viewed my life through a lens of being lesser than everybody else and a very strong feeling of unworthiness. A lot of my familial experience, uh, my mom made the theme in my life that is, I'm a boy who lost his dad to cancer, and that's why I can't have nice things in life. So I started looking through the world that way. And as I started growing up through my young adult experiences, that became profoundly frustrating. So I was looking for a means to essentially kind of catch up to everyone else. And no, um, alcohol and drugs, they weren't really my thing. But when I found gambling, I was just like, it only takes one significant win. And then I'd be exactly where I want to be. And it kind of changed my focus. Like, I didn't really believe in my own efforts as much. I would call it a significant challenge of some faith, because I believed more in a big gambling win than I believed in my own efforts. And for quite some time, that would be all I really cared about. And I kind of went back and forth. Sometimes the addiction would get more intense, sometimes not so much. But what happened when I was finishing nursing school was I had an experience, uh, where I was doing certain things to finance my gambling. I mention it more in the memoir, but I put at risk my entire career if I would have, uh, been, caught by the law doing some of the things I was doing to finance my gambling. Then, um, I, um, could have faced legal consequences and I likely would not have become a nurse at all. And I was so, um, scared by those experiences. I was finally able to surrender. I started a recovery program in Gamblers Anonymous. That was back in twenty fourteen. And since then I've had, uh, two gambling relapses. I'm going back on a year without doing any of it whatsoever. Um, I was, I didn't gamble at all for about seven years. And then after I lost my mother, um, during the beginning of Covid in twenty twenty, I started getting into cryptocurrency. And then after my cancer diagnosis, sports gambling. But this time when I stopped gambling and it coincided very, very closely with, um, when I started changing jobs, and it was a profound opportunity to basically start again on the right foot. And in regard to what you were talking about. You mentioned something about how a lot of people don't openly talk about that and the sort of memoir I. That's just one of many things that don't paint the best side of me, because I fully believe that if the world is going to get to know you and more importantly, if you're going to get to know yourself, you can't hide from the parts of you that don't want to be read out loud. And that's why Blades of Resurrection is very profound and very honest and all of that. It's not there for the world to like me. It's there for the world to understand me. And my hope is through understanding me. It will help people better understand themselves.

00:08:51 Sana: That absolutely makes sense. And honestly, it is unfortunate, but then honestly, it is actually very, uh, hard hitting, inspiring Michael, because yes, I mean, we all would want to portray even sometimes, I think, um, uh, abusive experiences or traumatic experiences, um, they kind of sometimes get portrayed as a way to romanticize your journey, but it is not about romanticizing good things happened with me because of those bad things. It's not about the good or bad. It's just, you know, they were probably the catalyst, but the choice that I made after those experiences, the events, it is something that will give the real picture for others as well, probably especially for someone who is going through similar kind of, uh, experiences, or they're in a similar phase in their life. And Michael, one thing, um, I mean, I, I leave it open to you if you would like to answer this because we often, you know, it has become kind of so mainstream to picturise or imagine, uh, around addiction that it is around drugs or alcohol or sex. But then, um, if we deep down look into, uh, you know, the gambling addiction that you developed, is it because that you wanted to gain control over your destiny or you wanted to, uh, feel that, um, that there is definitely some worth, you know, maybe because, you know, because you mentioned very clearly that you were not concerned about, that I have to put efforts and all, but was it something like this that, um, maybe attracted or, triggered you towards gambling.

00:10:49 Michael Grayson: I would say that probably what. Kind of lured me most into the world of gambling was I was looking for the path of least resistance, because it had been impressed upon me that a path of resistance was almost the same as punishing yourself and trying to. Reinforce it like certain negative behavior was bad. That was kind of a trend that kind of ran in my family at the time. So instead of, um, you know, just saving my money, putting it together piece by piece to try to finish my education or try to get a step up in life. I looked at it this way. I was just like, I'm not gonna save, you know, like a couple hundred dollars a month for how many years to achieve this when I can go to the scenes and I can potentially get that money with one spin. So I was really I never really had like a strong, influential role model who taught me about like the power of compounding and how that builds upon itself as long as you're consistent. Mhm. Um, because I, whenever I thought about it, um, I just had the feeling it's like I wasn't going to be enough. And that was probably the overall prevailing feeling of my childhood. I wasn't enough and I was unworthy and kind of what, uh, my father getting cancer, then my mother getting cancer about thirty years later and then me getting cancer from that experience and that unworthiness, I kind of take the experience now is not so much as like, oh, poor me, look at me. I lost both my parents to cancer and now I have cancer myself. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to look at that through a new perspective. Now, um, I say in the memoir, I viewed life through the lens of the boy who lost his father to cancer. Now I say I'm a man who has been able to beat cancer and has the opportunity to start a family. So I can take that same perspective that I started with all those years ago. And if I look at it differently through this lens, I'm very excited to see what comes from that. And Blades of Resurrection is the first thing that's going to be coming from that.

00:13:39 Sana: I definitely get, the meaning behind resurrection. It is. It is because honestly, it's it's a, it's a lot. Um, I mean, um, and, and that also brings me to, uh, something that you talk about, um, which is the scanxiety, uh, the anxiety of living with the uncertainty of recurrence after cancer. Michael. What, what exactly is that? You know, um, and, and especially in terms of experience from the inside and how do you actually live with that kind of ongoing uncertainty, uncertainty without it eating you, or consuming you from within?

00:14:25 Michael Grayson: So what it forces you to do essentially is to be more of a moment, living a mindful perspective, because you can kind of use it sort of as a compass saying that like, you know, I'm worried about like if something's going to show up on my next CT scan, which I get every six months now. My next one is in September. It reminds you to do as much as you can and to examine what really matters to you in life, and kind of filter and cut out what doesn't exactly matter to you in life. Like, for example, just enjoying a time with my wife and having good meaningful experiences while at the same time, you know, like building a future together. It my particular cancer, it may never come back. It could show back up on the next scan. It could show up ten years from now. And it's completely an unknown. I had like a mix of both, um, good prognostic factors and a couple of negative prognostic factors. But fortunately the surgery was very successful and it was able to remove the entire cancer that they were able to detect at the time. But, uh. Living with that scanxiety, it kind of just helps me really think about all of like the minor problems that we have. You know, if you, um, are frustrated by the way somebody is driving on the road or whatever, like small stressors in your life, you just kind of think about it's like, is that really what's important? Is that really how you want to be spending your time? And the best thing about that is if you do get a good scan in, uh, September, which I'm anticipating just because like my bodily function, I've learned how to listen to my body very well. I'm not having any significant changes from that. Um, it just makes you realize like, wow, I really enjoyed that time in my life rather than worrying about it. So that actually has its own compounding a feeling of in terms of increasing the quality of your own life.

00:16:55 Sana: Absolutely. And I think, this is nothing could be more truer than this form of, living in the present or being in the present. Because, um, I believe that this is the most profound reframe in your whole journey, Michael, because control is what most of us, we, we just strive to reach for that when things especially are frightening. Like if I can manage this very well enough, if I do all the right things, I can keep the worst from happening. And um, as, as, uh, um, I mean cancer, especially, uh, after all of this, it, it strips that away entirely. So, Um, I think the word which would perfectly fit here is stewardship. It is what remains when control is gone. A relationship with your own life, with your loved ones, with with, you know, love and light and hope and health that is humble. You are attentive and you are genuinely present rather than, you know, just trying to, um, uh, desperately manage, you know, the future, uh, which is definitely a more honest kind of courage.

00:18:10 Michael Grayson: Uh, yeah. I'm glad that you brought that. What you said about stewardship, uh, because I talk about that, um, quite a bit, actually, in the epilogue of Blades of Resurrection, I'm bringing up the bringing up the manuscript right now, just so I can tell you, um, this is actually what's the last two paragraphs of the book right here. They're relatively short, but it says, in truth, we never own anything. Not our homes, our cars, or our our possessions. We are merely stewards. The only question is how we choose to steward what has been entrusted to us. Out of all the gifts that I am blessed to steward, one gift trumps all the others. My own life. This book isn't finished yet, and that's exactly how Blades of Resurrection ends. Verbatim.

00:19:08 Sana: That's beautiful. That is beautiful. Uh, okay. And, Michael, for someone listening, uh, right now, maybe they are in the middle of their own impossible chapter right now. Maybe it's a diagnosis. Maybe it's a loss, um, a grief, an addiction that they may have not yet named out loud, but deep down, they know it. What is the most honest thing that you can say to them from the other side of everything that you have been through?

00:19:46 Michael Grayson: Um, take that question kind of in two parts. First, I'm kind of looking at it at through the lens of someone going through some kind of significant health crisis, or maybe a loved one is, is going through a significant health crisis. And then I kind of ask it more of like, from an addiction perspective from somebody who's facing something like a health crisis in their life. The best piece of advice I could give to that person is don't allow what the research and statistics say about whatever it is you're facing, or don't let what other people are telling you, uh, kind of determine your fate. Because every single path, no matter like what stage of the cancer it is it's in, whether it's stage one or stage four. Every single path is unique, and you won't know what the outcome is until you walk it. It you won't know for certain that like, you know, this is going to be the end. I only have a few months left to live here. You simply won't know that until you make the best available, informed decisions for yourself, for your family, and for your loved ones. And if you allow that opportunity to come in your life and you allow that to what I was, um, talking about earlier to basically re-examine what matters in your life, you can be very, very surprised. Not only, um, might your outcome be much better than expected. I'm not certainly not guaranteeing that it will be. But even if it's not, the value in that change of perspective will increase the quality of your life so much more than if you kind of determine that like, oh, this particular disease process has a certain percent survival rate. And people said that they have like this horrible, miserable life after they have chemotherapy and surgery. You simply don't know that. So what it involves is it's basically surrendering to what's important to you. And when you go through difficult experiences and sacrifices, ask yourself, what is motivating me to go through and make those sacrifices? And when you answer that question, you'll kind of see what really matters to you in life. From the other perspective, where someone is in some sort of despair, whether it's a drug addiction, alcohol addiction, gambling addiction. What when looking through it through that lens, you really have to take an honest look at what feeling are you trying to replace the feeling of gambling with? For me, it was. I was trying to replace that with unworthiness. What's the feeling that you're trying to. Kind of bury under whatever the alcohol is or the reason that you're doing drugs? Because what that does with all of the receptors and dopamine in your body is when you go through that, you can't tolerate those feelings anymore until you have more of those drugs in your body. So it basically becomes just like a really big masking mechanism. So in order to have like a successful recovery, it's like, yeah, you can go to the hospital and you can get treatment for alcohol withdrawal. You can start going to Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous. You can do the things that they recommend to maintain your sobriety. But unless you look at what you're trying to mask and you quite frankly and honestly face what you're looking at, you're always going to feel like that you have to cover up for something. So my advice to those types of people is most of the time, if not all of the time, the reason that you have that feeling is you're looking at the world through some kind of different reality. More than likely, there's some kind of profound experience that you went through that made you look at the world through a certain way, whether that's through a traumatic experience or something with some kind of authority figure, a parent, teacher, religious figure. It involves going back and a lot of that is very traumatic. And you need to do that under a therapist. But another name for kind of doing that on your own, and I've done quite a bit of this work myself, is called shadow work. And what it does, it kind of shows you, it's like it makes you question like some of your beliefs, you identify what your unwanted beliefs are and you go back and you look at the origins of like, what made you think this way in the first place? And you're able to intensify those feelings. And then once you're able to accept how they are intensified, you look at it from a new neutral perspective. And once you're able to do that, you can start questioning why you even had those thought patterns in the first place. So I would definitely couple that. I would definitely recommend, um, if you, if it goes back to a traumatic experience, like I said, definitely, um, do it under a licensed mental health professional, but the combination of both a therapy and shadow work will have a profound experience, um, profound improvement on your recovery. I had been in therapy for several years, but when I added shadow work to my therapy. It. It did more than therapy did in ten years. It was like a truly amazing, profound experience. And I talk about several of those experiences in Blades of Resurrection.

00:26:48 Sana: I'm very glad to hear that, Michael. And then, um, I really, really, um, deep down from my heart, thank you. Because I think, um, I think what, what, of course, you know, with the writing of your memoir and sharing your story, your journey, one thing definitely we all can carry and this is irrespective of, of, you know, uh, you know, what we are carrying through, um, of what kind of situation we, we may be in, in right now. I think the impossible Chapter. This is not the end of our story. It is not the end of our journey. And we don't. We do not need to have everything figured out immediately, but we just need to keep going. It's like one day, one choice, maybe one breath. And, um, I think, you know, as, as you are healing through your writing, you wrote Blades of Resurrection and in, in doing so, you did not just survive the story, you made it into something that that is, it might help someone else survive this. So I really, really appreciate Michael, what you're doing.

00:28:09 Michael Grayson: Yeah, that's my sincere hope for it. Um, it's a two fold motivation. It's one because it's one. I've decided that I'm worthy enough to have my voice, um, toned out into the world. And two, I am hoping that somebody sees some kind of peace, even if it's not the entirety of my story. I'm hoping somebody can take one thing from that, that they can relate to in their own life, and have that help and change their own life. And the only way to do that is, like I said earlier, it's just like, show the whole of me. Like I do my absolute best in the story. Um, the only thing that I wouldn't say is like entirely accurate is I've done quite a bit of an anonymity. I've put anonymity into the memoir, I've changed names, places and that sort of thing. Just because there are sensitive indicators around different like health care employers and things that I've, um, went through in terms of that. But when you look at that through an honest lens, you know, if I, if I'm not honest about my own experience, how can I expect any of my readers to be honest with themselves.

00:29:30 Sana: Absolutely, absolutely are super. And Michael, of course, of our listeners, if they would like to, first of all, you know, get a hold of place of resurrection. And also if they would like to connect you, connect with you, maybe they have something to share after this conversation, how they can do that.

00:29:51 Michael Grayson: So the best way to get in contact with me is through my website, Lightning Shadow, crossroads dot org. That's all one word spelling together lightning shadow crossroads with an S plural at the end dot org. If you put that in there, you can sign up for my email list. Blades of resurrection is going to be fully published towards the end of October. I'm anticipating in September I won't be ready. For our readers. That stands for advance reader copies where people can read it for free before it's published, and they can give and send me their thoughts and leave reviews on it. I would love for anyone out there to be part of my advance reader copy team. If you're interested in that, the best way to do that is to visit the website I gave you there. Also, you can visit my Substack. I have a quite a following on Substack regarding various different views and whatnot of my writing, and it's a great and awesome community to be a part of there also. And that's under the same name, lightning Shadow crossroads.

00:31:08 Sana: Super, super. That's really great. And congratulations in advance, Michael. And, um, all prayers and definitely, definitely, I'll make sure that all the details are there in the show notes. Um, so listeners, I invite all of you to check out Blades of Resurrection, just check out the website Lightning Shadow crossroads dot org and do follow and join Michael's community on Substack. And just, just refer to the show notes along with this episode. And thank you so much, Michael. Um, this was such a tender, honest, and as you know, I must say, genuinely courageous, um, conversation for me to host. And I'm very sure for our listeners of the mindful living as well. Thank you so much.

00:31:58 Michael Grayson: Thank you for having me again. Blessings to you.

00:32:01 Sana: Oh, and thank you to all the listeners for being here. And if this conversation meant something to you, do share this episode with your loved ones, with your friends. Um, and do follow the Mindful Living show on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you are listening right now. But thank you so much for being here. And I am Sana. I'll be back soon with another episode.

00:32:24 Michael Grayson: Thank you. Thank you for listening.