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coming to you from Atlanta this is the science of 
self where you learn to improve your life from the  

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inside out the this is your host Russell 
and today is Thursday February 23rd 2023.

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today's episode comes from Nick Trenton's 
book stop negative thinking and in this  

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episode one under appreciated way to genuinely 
feel better we learn how to practice emotional  

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self-regulation so that we can decide which 
emotions to attend to when why and for how long

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Toxic positivity is not really about feeling 
good feelings—it’s more about the desire to  

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feel good feelings, or even the expectation 
and entitlement to those positive feelings.

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It’s this unrealistic expectation 
that makes encountering real life  

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even more unpleasant than it would ordinarily be!

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If we have a vision of what life should look 
like (do you catch the distorted thinking?),  

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then we are at risk of labeling even normal 
or neutral events as “negative” when they  

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aren’t—they just don’t match up to some artificial 
image of what we think positivity looks like.

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So, we may wake up one day to a completely 
normal and ordinary life, but because we are  

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not super energetic and enthusiastic, 
our work doesn’t light a fire in us,  

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and we don’t happen to be madly in love with our 
partners that day—we think something is wrong.

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In a way, toxic positivity has an unfortunate 
side effect: it makes us ungrateful.

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We may be permanently dissatisfied if 
we compare our lives to an unrealistic  

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vision of the glittering and eternal 
contentment we feel we’re supposed to have.

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If you genuinely want to feel happier, though 
(right now, not when all your pesky problems  

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are solved and you are finally perfect), then 
try to focus with gratitude on what you have.

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It sounds too simple to work, but it does.

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Start every morning with a list of five things 
that you are grateful for in your life right now.

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Sometimes, we already have 
wonderful and positive lives—we’ve  

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just become desensitized to our blessings 
and begun to take it all for granted.

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Right now, can you think of five things that are  

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perfectly “ordinary” in your life 
that are, in fact, wonderful gifts?

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Emotional Regulation

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As we become better at recognizing 
negative and distorted thinking,  

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and as we learn to guard against fake, 
unrealistic “positive thinking,” we find that  

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we are developing a skill that goes far beyond 
positive and negative: emotional regulation.

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When we are capable of emotional regulation,  

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we become conscious and capable masters of 
our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.

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We can reuse to engage in destructive or distorted 
thinking, while at the same time know when to  

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tolerate and “hold” negative emotions, asking 
ourselves what good we can extract from them.

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We are likewise aware when we are feeling calm, 
content, joyful, hopeful—and welcome that too,  

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being fully aware of how to cultivate and 
enjoy those emotions when they happen.

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Consider the emotion of anger.

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Is anger a “positive” or “negative” emotion?

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Well, it really depends.

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If you’re at work and dealing 
with an irritable customer,  

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you cannot freely express your anger 
or let it get the better of you.

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Instead, you have to notice the anger,  

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choose not to succumb to it, and 
act as professionally as you can.

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However, if someone in your personal life  

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insults you and attempts to violate a 
boundary, you would feel anger, too.

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In this case, though, expressing some of this 
anger may be exactly the right thing—since  

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it clearly communicates your 
limits, asserts your dignity,  

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and lets the other person know to back off!

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Anger is a normal and natural 
emotion to have in both situations.

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However, in the first, it’s much less 
useful to express it than in the second.

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In both these cases, there is a higher 
awareness that is taking control and asking,  

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“What am I feeling?

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Why?

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What is the cause of this emotion, and 
what will be the effect of me acting on it?

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What do I want to achieve here?

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How can I help this emotion move on?”

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This is the voice of emotional self-regulation.

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It is not merely a case of “upregulating the 
good feelings and down-regulating the bad  

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ones,” but rather a meat-emotion that allows 
you to be aware of and take charge of your  

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emotional state—and then take action in a way 
that makes sense for you in any given context.

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So, what makes an emotion 
“positive” or “negative” is a mix of

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1. our own goals

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2. our context

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3. the values and principles we’re living by

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If we are not in control of ourselves, not aware,  

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and not acting with a mind to our 
goals and values, then even if we  

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feel “positive” emotions, we can’t really 
be said to have mastered self-regulation.

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First things first—emotional regulation 
is NOT the same as repression,  

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toxic positivity, or ignoring how you really feel.

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Rather, it’s about consciously choosing

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• which emotions we pay attention to and encourage

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• when we have them

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• how we express them externally

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• how we experience them internally

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Note that there is no option to “choose 
whether I feel emotions or not."

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We all do!

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Emotions are a fact of life.

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But we do get a lot of say over 
when, where, and how we express them.

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We choose all the above in 
relation to our goals and values.

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For example:

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On receiving a terrible birthday gift, “I 
choose not to express disappointment right  

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now because I value my friendship with this 
person and don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

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Before heading into an important job interview, 
“I choose to drastically dial up my feelings of  

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confidence and enthusiasm so I can impress my 
interviewer because my goal is to get hired.”

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During some alone time with your journal on a 
Sunday morning, “I choose to explore and express  

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my sadness right now because I want to process 
and release these feelings and grow as a person.”

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Goals and values provide a framework.

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Together with our awareness, they 
help us decide on the intensity,  

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quality, and duration of our emotional response.

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So, we saw that Craig was in the grips of toxic  

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positivity and was being emotionally 
inauthentic with himself and others.

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But what would it have looked like for him 
to demonstrate emotional regulation instead?

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Intensity – Craig could have faced his 
sadness but altered how much of it to  

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show to himself and others 
depending on the situation.

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He could have allowed himself to be completely 
vulnerable and expressive during therapy,  

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moderately open with his friends, and honest 
but more guarded with his work colleagues.

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Quality – “Sadness” is a pretty big emotion that 
contains lots of subtler shades and nuances,  

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which Craig could play up or 
down depending on the situation.

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With his New Age yoga friends, he could express 
the bittersweet and wistful sides of mourning,  

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but with his mother, engage more on the level 
of death being an incomprehensible injustice.

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With his therapist, he can focus on the raw,  

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unapologetic feeling of grief and 
explore childhood memories of his sister.

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With a colleague, he can 
express a more formal sentiment.

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And so on.

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All these expressions are “real”—it’s 
just that Craig is choosing for his  

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own purposes to focus on each 
of them in different moments.

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Duration – Craig can also put himself in 
charge of how long he engages his emotions.

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In conversation with a close friend, for 
example, he might allow himself to reveal  

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plenty of vulnerable emotions, but he consciously 
chooses not to let this expression go on and on.

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Instead, after a few minutes, he steps out of 
the limelight and allows his friend to talk, too.

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If it seems a little weird to have 
so much control over your emotions,  

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consider the fact that emotions themselves are 
often short-lived and context-dependent anyway.

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Remember that emotions are there for 
a reason and serve a function—there  

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is nothing wrong with consciously stepping 
in and choosing what that function should be!

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Likewise, all emotions are 
brought into being through  

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and with our cognitive evaluation and 
the activation of our core beliefs.

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This happens whether we realize it 
or not—so why not choose the core  

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beliefs we want to guide this important process?

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The Life Cycle of an Emotion

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We can imagine that all 
emotions play out on a timeline:

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There is (1) the initiating event or situation,  

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followed by (2) our conscious 
attention on that event.

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This is followed by (3) our own 
unique appraisal of that event,  

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and (4) it’s this appraisal (not the event 
itself) that results in us feeling an emotion.

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From there, the emotion may die 
down naturally or be prolonged.

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It may prompt action, or it may 
get repressed and sent into “the  

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shadow” ... perhaps to burst free at a later time.

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So, for example, you have a long-haul 
flight booked for the following morning.

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You make an appraisal (“I hate flying!

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What if the plane crashes?”), and the resulting 
emotions are anxiety, panic, and fear.

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We can step in to regulate our emotions 
at a few points in this process.

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Here’s how it would look if you were 
trying to regulate the anxiety you  

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faced when thinking about your upcoming flight:

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Situation selection – This is 
where we choose which situations  

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to enter according to the emotional 
outcomes we can expect for doing so  

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(occurs before we encounter 
1, the initiating situation).

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In our example, this could 
look like simply avoiding  

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situations we know will trigger and worsen panic.

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We decide not to watch an episode 
of Air Crash Investigation and  

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deliberately avoid a friend who 
you know shares your anxiety and  

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will only work you up into a froth if you 
talk to them too much before your flight.

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Another possibility is that, 
knowing how we’ll respond,  

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we avoid the trip entirely or find 
another way to get to our destination.

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Situation modification – This is where we choose 
to change or alter the situation in some way  

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(this is during 1, the initial situation).

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In our example, let’s say you do go on the flight.

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The situation can be modified 
to cause less anxiety, though.

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You take a mild tranquilizer and get an aisle seat  

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and bring plenty of distractions as well 
as air-sickness medication if you need it.

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You practice breathing 
exercises and calming mantras.

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Attentional deployment – This is where 
we choose to focus our attention on  

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specific aspects of the situation (this is 
during 2, where we place our attention).

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In our example, let’s say you do get the flight,  

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and despite your best efforts, 
you are still anxious.

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You consciously choose in that moment 
not to focus on and magnify the stress.

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Instead, you try to talk to the person 
next to you, play an immersive game,  

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or try some challenging brain puzzles that 
take your mind off things—you only have a  

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fixed mental bandwidth, and you’ll have less 
available if you spend it all on another task!

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Cognitive change – This is the choice 
to consciously modify the meaning we are  

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ascribing to various aspects of the situation 
(this occurs at 3, when we make our appraisal).

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In our example, the thoughts surrounding 
this flight might be very negative:  

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“You can’t avoid this, but it’s unbearable."

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“You’ll probably die."

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“You hate flying more than 
anything else in the world."

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But you can choose to make a different appraisal.

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You can reframe the situation like this:  

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“I am being really brave facing my fears 
right now,” or, “Ha ha, look at me!

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Isn’t this silly fear of mine ridiculous?” or 
even, “Flying is annoying and uncomfortable,  

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but it’s far from the end of the world.”

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Response modulation – This is choosing to 
change the way we respond to our emotions  

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physiologically, experientially, or behaviorally 
(this occurs at 4, the final response).

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In our example, you still may 
find yourself enormously anxious.

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But you can still choose how you 
respond to this response itself.

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Let’s say you notice your panic, 
but you are compassionate about  

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it and accept it for what it is 
without judgment and resistance.

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Fearing a panic attack coming on,  

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you call a flight attendant and 
discreetly explain the situation,  

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asking if there is a private place onboard you 
can go for a few minutes to gather yourself.

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As you can tell, the point at which 
one aspect of the emotion ends and  

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another begins is not clearcut, but 
this is not especially important.

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What is important is that you are aware and 
in control of the emotion as it unfolds,  

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and taking steps to master that emotion 
at whatever stage that happens to be.

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The above process may seem 
complicated when laid out all at once,  

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but it’s rather simple to learn it yourself.

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Here’s how:

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Step 1: Become aware

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Ask yourself some of the following questions:

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What am I experiencing?

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Why am I experiencing it, or what came before?

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Is this emotion helping or hindering me?

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What effect is it having overall?

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What are my goals and values in this situation?

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How does this emotion play 
into those goals and values?

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Step 2: Consider context

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Emotions don’t occur in a vacuum.

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They’re part of an unfolding 
situation in the external  

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world and usually plugged into a 
social and physical environment.

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Look at the situation you’re in 
and ask the following questions:

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How does my emotion fit within this context?

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Is any aspect of my situation changeable?

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How?

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Can I make any changes that will help me 
achieve my goal or align with my values?

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Step 3: Modify the situation

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If the situation itself can’t be changed, it 
can usually be shaped and modified somewhat.

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Become curious about how.

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Ask:

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Would it be to my benefit to 
share my emotion with others?

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If so, how best should I share it?

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What changes to the situation would serve me 
best right now, given my goals and values?

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Can I remove or introduce an object, a person, 
or an idea to change the dynamic in my favor?

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Step 4: Put your focus where you choose

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Don’t just look at the situation, but look 
at how you’re looking at the situation.

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What are you focusing on and what 
are you not paying any attention to?

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Become curious and notice what’s happening 
both inside and outside your head, asking:

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Where is my attention primarily going?

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Is this focus helping or hindering?

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Would it help me to focus on something different?

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What is there currently in my situation that,  

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if I focused on it, would help me increase 
positive emotions or reach my goal?

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Is there anything that can distract 
me from a negative emotion right now?

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Step 5: Modify the way you’re 
appraising the situation

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The way you are feeling is a direct result 
of how you are thinking about the situation.

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Once you become aware of how 
you’re framing the situation,  

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see if the following questions 
can bring some insight:

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Is the current way you’re thinking about 
this situation helping you achieve your goal?

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Can both the emotion and the 
situation be looked at in another way?

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Is it really that bad (i.e., have you correctly  

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and usefully appraised the 
intensity of the emotion)?

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Step 6: Modify how you’re experiencing 
and expressing this emotion

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The way you express your emotion will have 
an influence on the people around you,  

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your environment, and the situation itself.

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Ask:

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Do I want to share my experience—and if so, how?

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If I don’t wish to share it, how 
may I make that easier for myself?

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What do I wish to change right now?

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As you can see, with these questions, you 
are moving along the timeline of the emotion,  

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looking for opportunities and 
areas along the way where you  

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can intervene with action or reframing 
that speaks to your goals and values.

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You might do this before an anticipated situation,  

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after the situation has already played 
out, or during the situation as it unfolds.

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Naturally, you will have more 
options the sooner you intervene.

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It’s worth noting as well that it may be easier  

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to take control the earlier 
along in the process you are.

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If the emotion is well underway, you may 
have to spend far more effort to modify  

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it than if you had carefully 
avoided it in the first place.

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Prevention is always better than cure.

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Not every situation will have an 
opportunity to make significant changes.

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Some situations will vary in how much 
you could possibly do at each stage.

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But, if you follow the above basic process, you 
are taking control of your emotional reality  

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and steering it in the direction that suits you 
best, whatever the difficulties and limitations.

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To recap:

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1. Become aware of your emotion, 
your values, and your goals.

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2. Consider your context and see 
how you are interacting with it

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3. Take steps to change the situation

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4. Notice where your attention 
is going and make changes

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5. Modify the way you’re appraising the 
situation and the meaning you’re giving it

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6. Take steps to change the way you are 
experiencing or expressing the emotion

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As a brief example:

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1. You become aware that you are experiencing fear  

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and self-doubt after being asked to 
give a presentation the following day.

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You value bravery and confidence, and 
your overall goal is to do well at work.

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2. You become aware of the context:  

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You are well liked at work and 
being offered more responsibility.

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Your fear, however, might cause you to 
shy away from some of these opportunities.

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3. You become aware of what you 
can change in the situation—you  

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could refuse to do the presentation, 
but that may create a bad impression.

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4. As you prepare, you notice that 
your thoughts tend to catastrophize.

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You deliberately steer your focus to other 
things—for example, the favorable reports  

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you’ve received so far and evidence from 
colleagues that you are doing a good job.

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5. You deliberately choose to re-appraise the 
situation, going from: “This is a threatening  

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and unpleasant event,” to: “I am being given 
an exciting opportunity—how lucky for me!"

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6. You decide to briefly confide in your boss,  

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explaining your nervousness and asking for a 
day or two more to prepare the presentation.

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You express your fear very strategically, 
however, and express it only so far as to  

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convey to your boss that you take the 
presentation seriously and want to do  

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it properly (rather than treating the 
meeting as a mini therapy session!)

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Usually, it is Step 5 that will have the most 
powerful impact, so if you can remember nothing  

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of this process in the heat of the moment, 
try to remember to ask yourself simply,  

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“Is the way I’m thinking about this 
problem working for me right now?"

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This alone will often open up 
doors of insight into other  

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ways you can make modifications to the situation.

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When we become good at 
mastering emotional regulation,  

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we learn that our emotions 
are not in control of us—but  

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it’s not exactly true to say that we are one 
hundred percent in control of them, either.

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Rather, our emotions emerge as 
part of a broader situation,  

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and they’re caused and sustained by 
our beliefs and thought processes.

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00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:41,820
Strictly speaking, we can never “control our 
emotions,” but we can always take steps to  

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00:23:41,820 --> 00:23:47,820
control our environment, our thoughts, our 
reactions, and how we manage our emotions  

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both internally and externally—which 
in turn will influence our emotions.

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00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:56,640
Summary

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•Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way 
to create genuine feelings of positivity.

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00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:16,020
•Rather than creating good emotions and getting 
rid of negative ones, we can practice emotional  

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00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:23,280
self-regulation and become conscious masters 
of our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.

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00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:31,260
•What makes an emotion good or bad is 
the context and our own goals and values.

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00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:39,720
We regulate when we decide which emotions 
to attend to, when, how, and for how long.
 
 

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00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:47,520
•Emotions have a life cycle, and we can manage 
those emotions at any point in the cycle—before  

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00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:51,840
the situation, during the 
situation, with our attention,  

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with our cognitive appraisal, and 
finally, with our emotional response.

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Generally, the sooner you intervene, the 
easier it is to modify the situation.

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00:26:06,420 --> 00:26:11,160
•Ask, “Is the way I’m thinking about 
this problem working for me right now?”

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you just listened to the science of self this 
is your host Russell thanks for being with us  

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today be sure to join us next Thursday for 
the next episode of the science of self