coming to you from Atlanta this is the science of self where you learn to improve your life from the
inside out the this is your host Russell and today is Thursday February 23rd 2023.
today's episode comes from Nick Trenton's book stop negative thinking and in this
episode one under appreciated way to genuinely feel better we learn how to practice emotional
self-regulation so that we can decide which emotions to attend to when why and for how long
Toxic positivity is not really about feeling good feelings—it’s more about the desire to
feel good feelings, or even the expectation and entitlement to those positive feelings.
It’s this unrealistic expectation that makes encountering real life
even more unpleasant than it would ordinarily be!
If we have a vision of what life should look like (do you catch the distorted thinking?),
then we are at risk of labeling even normal or neutral events as “negative” when they
aren’t—they just don’t match up to some artificial image of what we think positivity looks like.
So, we may wake up one day to a completely normal and ordinary life, but because we are
not super energetic and enthusiastic, our work doesn’t light a fire in us,
and we don’t happen to be madly in love with our partners that day—we think something is wrong.
In a way, toxic positivity has an unfortunate side effect: it makes us ungrateful.
We may be permanently dissatisfied if we compare our lives to an unrealistic
vision of the glittering and eternal contentment we feel we’re supposed to have.
If you genuinely want to feel happier, though (right now, not when all your pesky problems
are solved and you are finally perfect), then try to focus with gratitude on what you have.
It sounds too simple to work, but it does.
Start every morning with a list of five things that you are grateful for in your life right now.
Sometimes, we already have wonderful and positive lives—we’ve
just become desensitized to our blessings and begun to take it all for granted.
Right now, can you think of five things that are
perfectly “ordinary” in your life that are, in fact, wonderful gifts?
Emotional Regulation
As we become better at recognizing negative and distorted thinking,
and as we learn to guard against fake, unrealistic “positive thinking,” we find that
we are developing a skill that goes far beyond positive and negative: emotional regulation.
When we are capable of emotional regulation,
we become conscious and capable masters of our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.
We can reuse to engage in destructive or distorted thinking, while at the same time know when to
tolerate and “hold” negative emotions, asking ourselves what good we can extract from them.
We are likewise aware when we are feeling calm, content, joyful, hopeful—and welcome that too,
being fully aware of how to cultivate and enjoy those emotions when they happen.
Consider the emotion of anger.
Is anger a “positive” or “negative” emotion?
Well, it really depends.
If you’re at work and dealing with an irritable customer,
you cannot freely express your anger or let it get the better of you.
Instead, you have to notice the anger,
choose not to succumb to it, and act as professionally as you can.
However, if someone in your personal life
insults you and attempts to violate a boundary, you would feel anger, too.
In this case, though, expressing some of this anger may be exactly the right thing—since
it clearly communicates your limits, asserts your dignity,
and lets the other person know to back off!
Anger is a normal and natural emotion to have in both situations.
However, in the first, it’s much less useful to express it than in the second.
In both these cases, there is a higher awareness that is taking control and asking,
“What am I feeling?
Why?
What is the cause of this emotion, and what will be the effect of me acting on it?
What do I want to achieve here?
How can I help this emotion move on?”
This is the voice of emotional self-regulation.
It is not merely a case of “upregulating the good feelings and down-regulating the bad
ones,” but rather a meat-emotion that allows you to be aware of and take charge of your
emotional state—and then take action in a way that makes sense for you in any given context.
So, what makes an emotion “positive” or “negative” is a mix of
1. our own goals
2. our context
3. the values and principles we’re living by
If we are not in control of ourselves, not aware,
and not acting with a mind to our goals and values, then even if we
feel “positive” emotions, we can’t really be said to have mastered self-regulation.
First things first—emotional regulation is NOT the same as repression,
toxic positivity, or ignoring how you really feel.
Rather, it’s about consciously choosing
• which emotions we pay attention to and encourage
• when we have them
• how we express them externally
• how we experience them internally
Note that there is no option to “choose whether I feel emotions or not."
We all do!
Emotions are a fact of life.
But we do get a lot of say over when, where, and how we express them.
We choose all the above in relation to our goals and values.
For example:
On receiving a terrible birthday gift, “I choose not to express disappointment right
now because I value my friendship with this person and don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
Before heading into an important job interview, “I choose to drastically dial up my feelings of
confidence and enthusiasm so I can impress my interviewer because my goal is to get hired.”
During some alone time with your journal on a Sunday morning, “I choose to explore and express
my sadness right now because I want to process and release these feelings and grow as a person.”
Goals and values provide a framework.
Together with our awareness, they help us decide on the intensity,
quality, and duration of our emotional response.
So, we saw that Craig was in the grips of toxic
positivity and was being emotionally inauthentic with himself and others.
But what would it have looked like for him to demonstrate emotional regulation instead?
Intensity – Craig could have faced his sadness but altered how much of it to
show to himself and others depending on the situation.
He could have allowed himself to be completely vulnerable and expressive during therapy,
moderately open with his friends, and honest but more guarded with his work colleagues.
Quality – “Sadness” is a pretty big emotion that contains lots of subtler shades and nuances,
which Craig could play up or down depending on the situation.
With his New Age yoga friends, he could express the bittersweet and wistful sides of mourning,
but with his mother, engage more on the level of death being an incomprehensible injustice.
With his therapist, he can focus on the raw,
unapologetic feeling of grief and explore childhood memories of his sister.
With a colleague, he can express a more formal sentiment.
And so on.
All these expressions are “real”—it’s just that Craig is choosing for his
own purposes to focus on each of them in different moments.
Duration – Craig can also put himself in charge of how long he engages his emotions.
In conversation with a close friend, for example, he might allow himself to reveal
plenty of vulnerable emotions, but he consciously chooses not to let this expression go on and on.
Instead, after a few minutes, he steps out of the limelight and allows his friend to talk, too.
If it seems a little weird to have so much control over your emotions,
consider the fact that emotions themselves are often short-lived and context-dependent anyway.
Remember that emotions are there for a reason and serve a function—there
is nothing wrong with consciously stepping in and choosing what that function should be!
Likewise, all emotions are brought into being through
and with our cognitive evaluation and the activation of our core beliefs.
This happens whether we realize it or not—so why not choose the core
beliefs we want to guide this important process?
The Life Cycle of an Emotion
We can imagine that all emotions play out on a timeline:
There is (1) the initiating event or situation,
followed by (2) our conscious attention on that event.
This is followed by (3) our own unique appraisal of that event,
and (4) it’s this appraisal (not the event itself) that results in us feeling an emotion.
From there, the emotion may die down naturally or be prolonged.
It may prompt action, or it may get repressed and sent into “the
shadow” ... perhaps to burst free at a later time.
So, for example, you have a long-haul flight booked for the following morning.
You make an appraisal (“I hate flying!
What if the plane crashes?”), and the resulting emotions are anxiety, panic, and fear.
We can step in to regulate our emotions at a few points in this process.
Here’s how it would look if you were trying to regulate the anxiety you
faced when thinking about your upcoming flight:
Situation selection – This is where we choose which situations
to enter according to the emotional outcomes we can expect for doing so
(occurs before we encounter 1, the initiating situation).
In our example, this could look like simply avoiding
situations we know will trigger and worsen panic.
We decide not to watch an episode of Air Crash Investigation and
deliberately avoid a friend who you know shares your anxiety and
will only work you up into a froth if you talk to them too much before your flight.
Another possibility is that, knowing how we’ll respond,
we avoid the trip entirely or find another way to get to our destination.
Situation modification – This is where we choose to change or alter the situation in some way
(this is during 1, the initial situation).
In our example, let’s say you do go on the flight.
The situation can be modified to cause less anxiety, though.
You take a mild tranquilizer and get an aisle seat
and bring plenty of distractions as well as air-sickness medication if you need it.
You practice breathing exercises and calming mantras.
Attentional deployment – This is where we choose to focus our attention on
specific aspects of the situation (this is during 2, where we place our attention).
In our example, let’s say you do get the flight,
and despite your best efforts, you are still anxious.
You consciously choose in that moment not to focus on and magnify the stress.
Instead, you try to talk to the person next to you, play an immersive game,
or try some challenging brain puzzles that take your mind off things—you only have a
fixed mental bandwidth, and you’ll have less available if you spend it all on another task!
Cognitive change – This is the choice to consciously modify the meaning we are
ascribing to various aspects of the situation (this occurs at 3, when we make our appraisal).
In our example, the thoughts surrounding this flight might be very negative:
“You can’t avoid this, but it’s unbearable."
“You’ll probably die."
“You hate flying more than anything else in the world."
But you can choose to make a different appraisal.
You can reframe the situation like this:
“I am being really brave facing my fears right now,” or, “Ha ha, look at me!
Isn’t this silly fear of mine ridiculous?” or even, “Flying is annoying and uncomfortable,
but it’s far from the end of the world.”
Response modulation – This is choosing to change the way we respond to our emotions
physiologically, experientially, or behaviorally (this occurs at 4, the final response).
In our example, you still may find yourself enormously anxious.
But you can still choose how you respond to this response itself.
Let’s say you notice your panic, but you are compassionate about
it and accept it for what it is without judgment and resistance.
Fearing a panic attack coming on,
you call a flight attendant and discreetly explain the situation,
asking if there is a private place onboard you can go for a few minutes to gather yourself.
As you can tell, the point at which one aspect of the emotion ends and
another begins is not clearcut, but this is not especially important.
What is important is that you are aware and in control of the emotion as it unfolds,
and taking steps to master that emotion at whatever stage that happens to be.
The above process may seem complicated when laid out all at once,
but it’s rather simple to learn it yourself.
Here’s how:
Step 1: Become aware
Ask yourself some of the following questions:
What am I experiencing?
Why am I experiencing it, or what came before?
Is this emotion helping or hindering me?
What effect is it having overall?
What are my goals and values in this situation?
How does this emotion play into those goals and values?
Step 2: Consider context
Emotions don’t occur in a vacuum.
They’re part of an unfolding situation in the external
world and usually plugged into a social and physical environment.
Look at the situation you’re in and ask the following questions:
How does my emotion fit within this context?
Is any aspect of my situation changeable?
How?
Can I make any changes that will help me achieve my goal or align with my values?
Step 3: Modify the situation
If the situation itself can’t be changed, it can usually be shaped and modified somewhat.
Become curious about how.
Ask:
Would it be to my benefit to share my emotion with others?
If so, how best should I share it?
What changes to the situation would serve me best right now, given my goals and values?
Can I remove or introduce an object, a person, or an idea to change the dynamic in my favor?
Step 4: Put your focus where you choose
Don’t just look at the situation, but look at how you’re looking at the situation.
What are you focusing on and what are you not paying any attention to?
Become curious and notice what’s happening both inside and outside your head, asking:
Where is my attention primarily going?
Is this focus helping or hindering?
Would it help me to focus on something different?
What is there currently in my situation that,
if I focused on it, would help me increase positive emotions or reach my goal?
Is there anything that can distract me from a negative emotion right now?
Step 5: Modify the way you’re appraising the situation
The way you are feeling is a direct result of how you are thinking about the situation.
Once you become aware of how you’re framing the situation,
see if the following questions can bring some insight:
Is the current way you’re thinking about this situation helping you achieve your goal?
Can both the emotion and the situation be looked at in another way?
Is it really that bad (i.e., have you correctly
and usefully appraised the intensity of the emotion)?
Step 6: Modify how you’re experiencing and expressing this emotion
The way you express your emotion will have an influence on the people around you,
your environment, and the situation itself.
Ask:
Do I want to share my experience—and if so, how?
If I don’t wish to share it, how may I make that easier for myself?
What do I wish to change right now?
As you can see, with these questions, you are moving along the timeline of the emotion,
looking for opportunities and areas along the way where you
can intervene with action or reframing that speaks to your goals and values.
You might do this before an anticipated situation,
after the situation has already played out, or during the situation as it unfolds.
Naturally, you will have more options the sooner you intervene.
It’s worth noting as well that it may be easier
to take control the earlier along in the process you are.
If the emotion is well underway, you may have to spend far more effort to modify
it than if you had carefully avoided it in the first place.
Prevention is always better than cure.
Not every situation will have an opportunity to make significant changes.
Some situations will vary in how much you could possibly do at each stage.
But, if you follow the above basic process, you are taking control of your emotional reality
and steering it in the direction that suits you best, whatever the difficulties and limitations.
To recap:
1. Become aware of your emotion, your values, and your goals.
2. Consider your context and see how you are interacting with it
3. Take steps to change the situation
4. Notice where your attention is going and make changes
5. Modify the way you’re appraising the situation and the meaning you’re giving it
6. Take steps to change the way you are experiencing or expressing the emotion
As a brief example:
1. You become aware that you are experiencing fear
and self-doubt after being asked to give a presentation the following day.
You value bravery and confidence, and your overall goal is to do well at work.
2. You become aware of the context:
You are well liked at work and being offered more responsibility.
Your fear, however, might cause you to shy away from some of these opportunities.
3. You become aware of what you can change in the situation—you
could refuse to do the presentation, but that may create a bad impression.
4. As you prepare, you notice that your thoughts tend to catastrophize.
You deliberately steer your focus to other things—for example, the favorable reports
you’ve received so far and evidence from colleagues that you are doing a good job.
5. You deliberately choose to re-appraise the situation, going from: “This is a threatening
and unpleasant event,” to: “I am being given an exciting opportunity—how lucky for me!"
6. You decide to briefly confide in your boss,
explaining your nervousness and asking for a day or two more to prepare the presentation.
You express your fear very strategically, however, and express it only so far as to
convey to your boss that you take the presentation seriously and want to do
it properly (rather than treating the meeting as a mini therapy session!)
Usually, it is Step 5 that will have the most powerful impact, so if you can remember nothing
of this process in the heat of the moment, try to remember to ask yourself simply,
“Is the way I’m thinking about this problem working for me right now?"
This alone will often open up doors of insight into other
ways you can make modifications to the situation.
When we become good at mastering emotional regulation,
we learn that our emotions are not in control of us—but
it’s not exactly true to say that we are one hundred percent in control of them, either.
Rather, our emotions emerge as part of a broader situation,
and they’re caused and sustained by our beliefs and thought processes.
Strictly speaking, we can never “control our emotions,” but we can always take steps to
control our environment, our thoughts, our reactions, and how we manage our emotions
both internally and externally—which in turn will influence our emotions.
Summary
•Keeping a gratitude journal is a great way to create genuine feelings of positivity.
•Rather than creating good emotions and getting rid of negative ones, we can practice emotional
self-regulation and become conscious masters of our own ever-unfolding emotional experience.
•What makes an emotion good or bad is the context and our own goals and values.
We regulate when we decide which emotions to attend to, when, how, and for how long.
•Emotions have a life cycle, and we can manage those emotions at any point in the cycle—before
the situation, during the situation, with our attention,
with our cognitive appraisal, and finally, with our emotional response.
Generally, the sooner you intervene, the easier it is to modify the situation.
•Ask, “Is the way I’m thinking about this problem working for me right now?”
you just listened to the science of self this is your host Russell thanks for being with us
today be sure to join us next Thursday for the next episode of the science of self