Is sometimes we just have to be really clear about not assuming, but like being clear on who is giving and who is receiving in any particular scenario.

And so talking about that, like, hey, babe, this is all for you tonight, you know, or hey, babe, like, I just really feel like I need this thing from you.

And the more I've personally been able to actually, like, voice that and say that out loud and then to receive it, it's brought so much connection and pleasure to both of us.

Welcome to the Taboo to Truth podcast.

Unapologetic conversations about sexuality in midlife.

I'm your hostess, Karen Bigman, certified life and menopause coach and sex educator.

Whether it's a dwindling libido, a dry vagina, a challenging erection, or the emotional ups and downs of midlife, we're here to talk about it all.

I'm going to bring the often quiet into the light to create a safe space where no question is too awkward or taboo.

Together, we're creating a community of support and education where you can learn, share, and laugh about the intricate beauty of sex in midlife.

So grab your favorite drink and put me on speaker.

It's time we broke the silence.

Thank you for being here.

I have my friend Shauna Stewart, a fellow podcaster with the LifeTurn on podcast.

She's also the founder of Linger Boutique, a lingerie and sexual wellness boutique in Olympia, Washington, and she's a fellow sex educator.

Welcome.

Thank you.

So glad to be here.

So the first thing that I wanted to talk to Shauna about is female receiving in pleasure.

Because we are constantly feeling like we need to be doing something else.

We need to be taking care of everyone else.

And we often have a lot of trouble taking care of ourselves.

And there's a lot of talk about that in terms of self care, but not so much about us about it in self pleasure.

So let's hear your take on this.

Yeah, I think you're absolutely right.

Women in our culture definitely are in that giving role constantly.

And we love that for so many reasons because our world keeps turning round and round.

Our kids get fed, our communities get taken care of, and also what ends up happening is that women are in the giving role so much.

It's at the expense of themselves.

And in addition to kind of feeling depleted, having record burnout rates, et cetera, we're also, we've lost the ability to understand what it means to receive pleasure.

We're very used to giving pleasure, but receiving pleasure is very difficult for us.

I think that we live in a world where there's just such a focus on productivity.

Go, go, go.

Give, give, give.

And then to transition out of that role and into a place where you can receive a compliment, receive help from a stranger, any is just super challenging for us because it's not well practiced.

It's not what's expected of us.

We're expected to be in the giving role.

We're not expected to be in the receiver role.

We want to be good citizens, we want to be good family members.

We want to be good.

All these things.

And that's all very noble.

And also, there's this other component to life, wellbeing, sexuality, that's super important that we're paying attention to as well.

It was interesting because I think you and I were.

I was sharing this over lunch with you, but on our way down to this conference, I was on a shuttle bus with my three bags of luggage that I over packed for this trip.

And when I travel, I'm used to traveling with my partner and husband who carries all of my luggage for me.

Nice to have a person.

Sherpa.

Yeah.

And so I get to the shuttle bus, I'm like, okay, you're like, here we go.

I've got to figure all this out.

This is just me and my choices.

I got to figure this out.

Was went to get.

I got all the luggage on the bus.

Got a nice compliment on my muscles for lifting it up there.

And then when I went to get off the bus, this gentleman behind me offered to take one of the three bags for me.

And the internal dialogue in my head was so amusing to reflect back on later because I was just like, oh, yeah, this is all the stuff that we need to be talking about in sexuality as well.

So first of all, I didn't want to inconvenience him.

He already had his reasonably sized luggage bag that he had taken.

And should he take my take on more work for me?

I also was like, in this, like, almost like, proving mentality of, like, yeah, I do work out.

I can carry all this stuff.

I made these choices.

I can handle it.

And yeah.

And then just like, am I worth helping?

What does this do to him?

Like, just like all this dialogue going on in my head before I finally was just like, okay, Shauna, nope.

This is what we're talking about.

We need to learn to receive.

You can just say thank you and then let him help you off the plane or off the shuttle inside instead of just like falling on your face with all this luggage.

So that's what I did.

And it was just so lovely.

To be able to actually like kindly accept help and then just say thank you.

And then he felt good because he got to help somebody.

I felt good because I didn't have to follow my face off of the shuttle.

And I think it's just like a really interesting metaphor for just receiving in general for women.

So let's draw the parallel of this picking up the luggage and not wanting help to the, let's bring it to, I'm going to say the bedroom, but wherever it is that you have intimacy does not have to be the bedroom with your long term partner.

So I mean, I know in my own experience we were talking about this as well, that like I find, you know, of course in the beginning every, you're not really thinking about all of it.

But then over time it's like, oh my God, well, is he enjoying himself?

Is he, am I taking too long?

Is this okay?

You know, am I doing it right?

And you know, we start to get in our heads.

So how like again, like, what are some of the other things that prevent us or barriers to enjoying intimacy or even in enjoying relationships, whether it's the sex or the whole part.

And then how do we overcome some of this?

Yeah, so some of the other barriers to overall, like being able to receive pleasure or just stress our bodies can't receive pleasure for.

Not like we need to be in a parasympathetic state.

If we're running from the lion, our body's thinking about getting away and keeping us safe, not relaxing into pleasure or any kind of form of reproduction.

Other things can be shame and stigma, cultural messages and just even like not knowing what you want or what you like.

That one was a big one for me.

Again, I reflect on this story of like, for 10 years in my marriage with my husband, because I identified as like the white female heroine of Rom coms, I thought I was like a sensual person who wanted to be lightly kissed and like have soft music.

And it wasn't.

It wasn't until I learned about the erotic blueprints where it, which is essentially like a personality test for your arousal that I learned what kind of touch I actually like.

And so all the touch I'd been asking for was giving me the heebie jeebies.

And it was like it was feeling like I wanted to repulse or reject the touch, not receive it because it was the wrong kind of touch.

I didn't know what I liked because I was following the script that I thought that that's how we're supposed to be.

And not knowing that there were other options available.

And so learning that I like, prefer much more intense sensation has been a radical revelation for my own life.

And so I think in terms of like, what do we do about it?

I think it's things like really taking time to learn what you like.

And that starts with yourself, but it can also be very playful and fun.

In experimentation dates, you can block out a few hours of time and say, like, let's just play, try some new things.

Some things might work, some things might not, but let's be in this playful space together where we're trying to figure things out and learn.

And our bodies are always changing.

So you can do these experimentation dates regularly.

But also it's important over the phase of a long term relationship, bodies are going to be changing.

Our likes, our dislikes, just our lifestyles are going to be changing.

And so building those in is a great way too as well.

Yeah, I want to back up just a little bit because you said something that I think is, you know, before even getting to all these wonderful ideas of how to make it better.

You said, I know that I was asking for the wrong thing, but you were actually asking for something.

And I think that is a huge barrier too, that we, as, you know, in general as heterosexual couples, we just assume we're gonna figure things out.

Yes, we're gonna get in the bedroom.

We know where it's going.

Right.

It's got to be, you know, intercourse.

By the end of it and he's.

Going to definitely get off.

And if I'm lucky, I will.

And so how do we start?

Like really, especially in a long term relationship where you haven't had these conversations and I'm not sure you know what your situation was if you always had that kind of relationship with your partner.

But to say, okay, like, we need to figure, like, how do we even start this conversation so that we can understand.

Yeah, well, I mean, to answer your question, no, for the first decade of our relationship, sex was just something that we were supposed to do.

And like there, I mean, yes, we both orgasm, yes, we made two children and yes, it was like fine in the American cultural sense of marriage is way of fine.

But there came a point about four years ago, after a healing journey, after like a chronic illness, where I finally decided that I was going to prioritize pleasure.

So I think it starts with that.

Like, I think that we as women have to decide that it's important first.

That's step one.

It's just deciding it's important.

I'm worth it.

And Then we can go from there.

The second piece is, I think, a fun way of.

Oh, gosh.

I think a fun way of exploring different things together is like taking the attention off the relationship so much, because that can feel very serious and sometimes even very threatening.

And I know I've been poking fun at, like, rom coms, but Netflix and others are putting out content about sex and sexuality that I think is so good because it's helping people from the safety of their living rooms learn about what's available out there.

So things like sex, love, and.

Coop is talking about the erotic blueprints that I mentioned earlier, as well as some other healing modalities and the form of sexuality.

There's how to Build a Sex Room, which I just tell everybody to watch because it's so playful, fun, light.

And then I think that you get to see yourself in some of these other relationships and these other dynamics and preferences, and you can see a fuller scale of what's available and understanding what's out there and what might be fun to try and bring into those experimentation dates.

And then I think, just getting super comfy talking about it.

I think you certainly mentioned that, but I nearly stabbed my husband in a counseling session one time when he used the words moan and moist because my whole body got hot and sweaty and I was humiliated.

Moaning and moist?

Yeah.

I was just like, I cannot believe you just used those words in front of somebody else and let alone just said them.

And I couldn't even bring myself to say the words right.

And so I think just.

It's exposing ourselves and practicing being gentle and kind with ourselves along the way as well.

I think that would be a really fun exercise, actually, to, like, list the words, you know, both of you list the words you'd like to say, and then just say them and make it a playful exercise, because that's one of my things.

It's just like when we make sex fun or intimacy fun and just start to get that playfulness back that was missing for so many years or that we got.

We sort of.

Life got in the way.

Kids, jobs, whatever.

Then things, you know, then you can slowly, slowly introduce these other more.

More, you know, focused kinds of intimacy.

Right?

Yeah.

And then I think, like, the stress component is real.

Right.

For people.

We're all caring so much.

And so I think that one of the things that stress has done for me has been.

It's been an invitation to look at my life and see how I want to create it with slightly less.

Less stress.

And, like, there has been a lot of Shedding of different layers of like my value tied up in certain identities around productivity and perfectionism and all of that, and taking a look at those and like what kind of stress that's adding to my life and what kinds of things we're choosing to do with the kids and what kinds of like just all these different layers and if there's a few things we can pull out of that or take from a different angle, I think that we tended to see stress as a barrier, full stop.

It can also just be that invitation to maybe look at our life and her lifestyle and decide what's really important.

Yeah.

And I think that goes also to the expectations of, you know, certainly with women, the challenges that we find we've finally gotten a little closer to the boardroom.

Like now we have to prove ourselves.

You know, we're going to manage the kids, you know, and make sure they have 35 activities and you know, make sure husband's happy or partner's happy.

And then we're also going to do all this and we put distress.

When my kids were little, I mean, I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, but I remember allowing them to choose one or two activities and not pushing them to do a million things even though they weren't going to get into the best colleges that happened.

All these things were pressuring me because I wanted to allow them the time.

But their friends weren't around because they were all doing all these activities and the parents worried whether they're shuttling them or someone else was shuttling them.

But it is enormous pressure in our society on every level to be doing, doing, doing and not to stop.

And hence this whole culture that is now saying, oh, maybe we need a little mindfulness, maybe we need a little meditation.

And that actually brings me.

So you talked back to that erotic blueprint.

Maybe just talk a little bit more about it and then also to how we can.

I think one of the challenges I really have also in the bedroom, sort of I shifted gears a little bit here is really being present and maybe back to that stress conversation is that let's say you even are able to reduce the amount of stress and have the space.

It's like, okay, now here I am with the space, but I'm still thinking about the groceries or that I need to check in with my kids, or that my social media isn't updated, or can you use the erotic blueprint?

Do they tie in together to actually be in a place where you can have the conversation, tell your partner what you like and have an enjoyable experience.

Yeah.

So I think that's a great question.

I think, obviously, if you're really stressed in any capacity, like, you're not going to want to get into bed, or there's not going to be this desire for connection or physical intimacy with your partner if you're not having sex worth wanting.

And so if you going back to, like, not if you don't know what feels good or the connection that you're making just isn't off, it's just kind of meh.

You know, it's fine to have sex once in a while.

Right.

And that's totally fine.

But if that's the pattern, that's always.

You're never going to want to go there.

And so understanding what feels good to you is so important.

And one of the tools that's been really helpful in my personal life and then in the lives of many people that I've shared this tool with is the erotic blueprints.

You can Google it online and find it, but it's essentially a personality test for your arousal.

There's five blueprints.

They're sensual, so it tends to be more focused.

Focused on engaging the five senses.

Nice candles, clean bedsheets, nice fabrics, soft music.

So there's sensual, there's energetic, which tends to be more focused on the overall energy or anticipation.

There are people who can have orgasm without ever even being touched, just by reading energy.

And then there's sexual, which is what we tend to think of as sex in our culture.

It's focused on the genitals.

People who are sexual tend to feel most loved and most seen when their genitals are being touched.

And then the kink blueprint, which is the love of the taboo.

And the love of the taboo can be whatever is taboo to you.

For some people, that means leaving the lights on.

Maybe it's doggy.

Other people.

That people can get into the kink and fetish world.

There's lots of areas of play there, but it's whatever is taboo to you, then the shapeshifter is a combination of all four.

And so that can be really fun, but it can also be very overwhelming for them.

Each of these blueprints not only has a superpower, but also has a shadow side.

Wow.

And so I will tell you, having worked in professional environments my whole life, I have taken a thousand personality tests, and this is the one that made my life make most sense.

Wow.

And in 15 minutes, or, sorry, 45 minutes of talking through our review, my husband and I, you know, 10, 11 years of marriage made sense for us.

Like, we finally had, like, had a context to put where those conflicts were in.

It made sense and then where it went really right, like why it was making sense.

And now we have the language to be able to explore and communicate with each other.

The other nice thing I like about the blueprints is it's not.

Doesn't have this like, fixed mindset, though.

A lot of personality tests do.

Like, this is just the way I am and I guess I'm going to have to deal with this.

But there's just like a lot of it's an invitation to learn.

If you and your partner have different blueprints, that doesn't mean you're incompatible.

It means that that's like new area to explore, to learn new skill sets and so forth.

And then kind of going back, I think, to your earlier question of, like, how do we get into this?

Receiving or communicate is sometimes we just have to be really clear about not assuming, but like being clear on who is giving and who is receiving in any particular scenario.

And so talking about that like, hey, babe, this is all for you tonight, you know, or hey, babe, like, I just really feel like I need this thing from you.

And the more I've personally been able to actually, like, voice that and say that out loud and then to receive it, it's brought so much connection and pleasure to both of us.

Like, I'm in pleasure because I'm getting what I asked for and it's delightful.

But then he's in pleasure because he's getting something that he knows that I really want and that I'm enjoying and I'm able to receive because I'm in the right headspace and mindset to do so.

So I think just like the touch piece can help, but getting the right type of touch can help bring us into the body.

And then I also think, like, you know, sex is part of life and life is part of sex and it's all integrated.

And so there are things that we can do outside of the bedroom to help train our brains as well.

So yoga practices, meditation practices, mindfulness practices, you figure out what works best for you.

But having a practice can help.

My husband has been very anti woo, anti mindfulness, anti.

Like he's never understood yoga, meditation, all of that.

That recently started getting into meditation and now he gets it right and now he's like taking that into the bedroom as well in different ways.

And it's helped both of us.

So yeah, making room for it.

It's hard to make room for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's great.

Well, all of this has been wonderful.

I wish we had more time.

I think we have other conversations ahead of us on all of this, but this was really wonderful.

Anything you want to add?

You want to talk?

Tell people where they can find you?

Okay.

Yeah.

So you can find me@lingerboutique.com where, like she said, I'm a lingerie and sexual wellness boutique.

I also have a podcast called Life Turned On Podcast.

You can find us on Instagram at that handle.

And then I also am doing a retreat specifically on receiving for women and helping women learn how to do that.

So that's information is also available@lingerbotique.com great.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

All right, thanks for joining me on the Taboo to Truth podcast where I'm spicing up midlife one episode at a time.

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It's time we broke the silence.