243 - Out of the Turtle's Shell

[00:00:00] Sharon: I thought every day I know I've heard some that said they don't think about them at all, but I think that they're in denial because I don't know how you can not think about your child I just didn't talk about anybody,

[00:00:43] Damon: I'm Damon Davis, and you're about to meet Sharon. She called me from Springfield, Missouri. Sharon grew up in a small town with a big family. When she left home, she got pregnant, was abandoned by the birth father, then suffered in silence for years after her daughter's [00:01:00] placement. Sharon hid behind her smile for decades until her daughter found her.

[00:01:05] Damon: They connected and got to see how beautiful each other are. Sharon is a birth mother, and this is Sharon's Journey.

Opening

[00:01:13] Damon: Sharon had a happy childhood growing up in a Christian home on a farm in Missouri. She had 10 siblings, 3 older brothers, 3 older sisters, and 4 younger brothers. So, Sharon is right in the middle of their sibling set. She said she loved her family and really loved school. When her own work was done, Sharon used to help her teacher to support other students in her class.

[00:01:40] Damon: Or help the teacher after school. In the fourth grade, Sharon's teacher told her parents they needed to make sure she went to college because she would make an excellent teacher one day. When Sharon graduated high school, her school counselor called to see if she was interested in enrolling in a free vocational technical school, [00:02:00] Monday through Friday, all day for six months.

[00:02:03] Damon: At the end of the program, the participants would receive a secretarial certificate. Originally, the classes were offered to mothers with children. The program couldn't find enough enrollees, so they opened up the program to recently graduated high school students who could not afford college.

[00:02:19] Damon: When the program was complete, Sharon and four of her classmates got on a bus to Arlington, Virginia, Where civilian jobs awaited them in the Department of the Navy in Washington, D. C. It was Sharon's first time away from home at 18 years old, and the culture shock was very real.

[00:02:37] Sharon: I had never been away from home. And of course I got homesick and I had never, lived with other people or it just all was a shock.

[00:02:47] Damon: So you had roommates there? I

[00:02:50] Sharon: have, there are five of us and we met one other person. So we had like three apartments with two in each apartment in Arlington.

[00:02:59] Damon: And what was your [00:03:00] job? What were you doing?

[00:03:03] Sharon: Well, that's a funny thing. I was clerical. But unfortunately, they did not actually have a job for me, so I had to sit there every day and act like I was typing if I heard footsteps coming down the hallway I did not have a job. I finally begged them.

[00:03:19] Sharon: I said, can I just go and pick up supplies for other offices? And they finally let me, I kind of worked myself into that, doing that every week. But that really was not a job for me. So it was very boring and I couldn't stand it. , .

Yeah, I think a lot of people have had a job where we've been there and you're just like, I cannot, I can't take this anymore,

[00:03:42] Sharon: I just can't, I just can't do it. So I had to come back to Missouri and my, my roommate and I. The one that's from high school she and I returned to Missouri. She didn't like hers either. And so we returned to Missouri and we got employment in St. Louis, which is [00:04:00] about, you know, three and a half to four hours away from our hometown.

[00:04:03] Damon: Sharon got herself an apartment in St. Louis, and one of her sisters lived there, too, with her husband. Her sister decided to do a little matchmaking, so she set Sharon up on a date with the nephew of one of her friends. They dated occasionally for several months that year of 1968. Then, Sharon needed to have a serious conversation with the young man.

[00:04:26] Sharon: The night that I told him I was pregnant upon telling him he got up to leave and showing no emotion, he told me, that's your problem.

[00:04:34] Sharon: I don't care what you do. He then left and I haven't seen him since.

[00:04:39] Damon: Oh my gosh. And how were you in that moment?

[00:04:42] Sharon: Stunned. I mean, I was naive enough to think that, , I was going to get married like my siblings and life's going to be great. But. It didn't happen that way.

[00:04:54] Damon: So he got up and left.

[00:04:57] Damon: What did you do?

[00:04:59] Sharon: [00:05:00] Well, I had, of course, I probably cried myself to sleep that night. I don't remember, but I then had so many decisions to make. I'd always been close to my nieces and nephews and loved them so much, but I couldn't afford to take care of a baby. I barely making it on my own, the way it was.

[00:05:17] Sharon: there wasn't any financial help available for young mothers raising a child alone not to mention the stigma. And I don't remember talking to my friends or coworkers about being pregnant at that time, or how do I make this most important decision? I just was too timid to talk to, embarrassed to talk to anybody.

[00:05:38] Sharon: How could anyone understand placing a child for adoption? And I felt like that was my only option. I told my boyfriend's aunt who had introduced us that I had given notice at my apartment because I was wanting to move back home, but I didn't want to quit my job yet. And I never told her I was pregnant, but she offered to let me move back in with [00:06:00] them and stay until I was ready to quit my job to move back home, which was just a few weeks.

[00:06:06] Sharon: But many years later, I learned she did not know I was pregnant at the time.

[00:06:10] Damon: Yeah, if you didn't tell her, and he wouldn't have told her because he didn't even want to talk to you, so No,

[00:06:16] Sharon: and he, yeah, he didn't come around. He visited them often. You know, they saw him just every day or two. And but not after I moved in, so he knew I was living there because he never visited them the whole time I was there.

[00:06:27] Damon: So you did move in with the aunt. And she never revealed your pregnancy. Wow. Never.

[00:06:34] Sharon: No, I didn't. Uh, it was just, I was just in denial, I guess. I just, nobody can know. And I don't, I had to be in denial about it.

[00:06:42] Damon: Yeah.

[00:06:43] Sharon: Eventually they're going to know.

[00:06:44] Damon: Right.

[00:06:45] Sharon: But I just stayed there long enough to go ahead and get notice at my job.

[00:06:50] Sharon: And then I moved back home, but I had called home first and I did call mom and tell her I was pregnant. And I told her that I thought adoption was my only [00:07:00] choice. I didn't think it was fair to her and dad to let me move home and raise a baby since they had raised so many already. I was just too independent for my own good.

And what did she say when you told her that you were pregnant?

[00:07:13] Sharon: She didn't offer for me to move back home. That wasn't a suggestion. She agreed that my decision about adoption was the best. And she told me that she would call my brother's wife who lives in Kansas city, Kansas. And see if I could stay with them long enough to have my baby.

[00:07:32] Sharon: And so it's all worked out that, that worked. My, my brother and his wife said I could come with them and live with them until after the baby was born.

So you moved from your boy, former boyfriend's aunt's home to Kansas city, Kansas to relatives homes to carry out the pregnancy. Gotcha. Yes.

[00:07:53] Sharon: Yes. Mom later told me that one of my sisters told her she and her husband would like to adopt my baby, but I told her [00:08:00] that would be too difficult for me to watch my baby being raised as my niece and nephew. Okay. So that was not an option for me. Oh,

that's really interesting. So there was a opportunity for a kinship adoption, but you just couldn't, you couldn't stomach it.

[00:08:14] Sharon: No, I just couldn't.

Yeah. I understand. So how was your time being pregnant at your brother and sister in law's house?

[00:08:21] Sharon: It was fun. I mean, with being there again, I was with my niece and nephew most of the time.

[00:08:26] Sharon: And I remember my nephew got his friends all together because one day we were playing in the sandbox. I was out there playing with them. And he told his friends, Come here, I've got the biggest aunt you'll ever see in my sandbox. And they got there and they didn't appreciate seeing me because they didn't understand.

[00:08:44] Sharon: They thought they were looking for a different kind of an answer.

Like an insect, but you were a person. Yeah, I was a

[00:08:50] Sharon: person. And they laughed about it so much.

Can you just take me back for a moment? I want to hear a little bit more about your experience living with [00:09:00] your own family.

In laws tell me like, what were you talking about? Your thoughts? You're alone in this process. You're with, you know, relatives, but you're alone. You don't have your mom or your dad. You don't have any siblings. You don't have your boyfriend. Well, it's just you and your

[00:09:15] Sharon: thoughts. It was my brother and his wife.

No, your brother. So you're with your brother and his wife.

[00:09:20] Sharon: With my brother. Yeah. My sister in law. And so she's the one that got me to her doctor. And and, but I really don't remember talking to her about too much, except just the doctor appointment. She took me there, but I just lived with them, but I, as far as talking about adoption, we did not bring it up that I remember.

[00:09:41] Sharon: I have a lot of things I don't remember about that time, which I'll explain later.

[00:09:46] Damon: Sharon's sister had taken her to see her own doctor, but Sharon doesn't recall speaking with her sister much about the pregnancy nor adoption. The doctor had told Sharon about another couple who had already adopted a child, and [00:10:00] they were interested in adopting again to give their first child a sibling.

[00:10:04] Damon: And the whole plan to place her child with that family sounded good to her. Sharon admits now that back then, she knew little about the intricacies of adoption. In the middle of the night, Sharon started to have pains in her abdomen, so her sister drove her to the hospital.

[00:10:21] Sharon: there was a sign posted on the outside of my door advising my baby could not be brought into my room.

[00:10:27] Sharon: And on the inside, the sign advising I was not to leave the room. my daughter was born in August of 69. I hemorrhaged and almost died after her birth. And I did not see her at all.

[00:10:40] Damon: My gosh. That must have been so scary. You're a young woman. Oh,

[00:10:45] Sharon: here I am, yes.

[00:10:46] Damon: How did you get through that?

[00:10:49] Sharon: Well, I was given transfusions two units of blood and I stayed in the hospital six days. And they had told my sister in law [00:11:00] that she could go ahead and leave. The baby was born and I was going to be fine. And it's the middle of the night, so she needed to go home and she could come back in the morning.

[00:11:08] Sharon: they would call her if anything, emergency happened or anything. that's what woke me up. I don't remember the pregnancy. I don't remember going through it. And then I realized later, after I saw the medical records, that I was given a drug that can cause memory loss. And I think it worked. Because I really don't remember the birth or stuff like that.

[00:11:32] Sharon: But I do remember being awakened. By some yelling, and it was my sister in law yelling at them wanting to know why she wasn't called. I almost died there in the night. And did they not think she is important enough for them to be for her to be called? And that's what woke me up. so she was very upset.

[00:11:56] Sharon: And that was pretty much it. I did not have any visitors except [00:12:00] You know, except for her during the six days that I was in the hospital.

[00:12:04] Damon: You said that on the outside of your door was a sign that the baby was not to be brought in. Is that right?

[00:12:12] Sharon: That's correct.

[00:12:13] Damon: What did you feel when you saw that and thought about it?

[00:12:16] Sharon: Well, I was so naive. I just thought, well, that's probably, they think that's best that I don't see her. And so I was not strong enough to talk about anything or just to stand up for my rights or just, you know, just change my mind or anything, to tell them I wanted to see her or anything. It's just I thought this is the way it was because I did not know anybody that had gone through this So I didn't know but that was what everybody did.

[00:12:44] Damon: Yeah, this is what I often say about all of these adoption experiences is We've never gone through them before the relinquishment process the reunion process so You don't know what you don't know and you trust what everybody [00:13:00] else is telling you because you don't have any set of experience, you know what I mean?

[00:13:05] Damon: It's very few women who can say, well, the last time I relinquished a child for adoption, you know what I mean? So you don't have anything to go on.

[00:13:13] Sharon: And then it's a time when nobody talked about it anyway. That's why I didn't know. when you don't talk about stuff, you don't learn anything and of course, nowadays, there's a book out every week or every day.

[00:13:27] Sharon: It seems like that there's a new book about adoption. I can't keep up with all of them. I've tried to read so many of them, but I can't keep up with them. And then if I just, I know there was 1, 1 or 2 books out. Which I, you know, read later, but I didn't even read it before she was born.

[00:13:43] Damon: And it's funny that you mentioned the volume of adoption related content today, you know, the ubiquity of what the internet offers us. Creates all of these platforms, you know, it's social media. It's the ability to self publish It's the ability to [00:14:00] create a podcast a YouTube channel and every other medium that I haven't named You just there's so much adoption content out there, which is wonderful because it really does offer people a lot of An opportunity to get education in a way that was never present before and you can get a diversity of perspectives, right?

[00:14:18] Damon: You can get the voices of adoptees Increasingly you can get the voices of birth mothers and first mothers like yourself and obviously there's been a lot of you know Adoption agency and adoptive parent content out there already. So do you now? Yes The, you know, almost the entire continuum well represented, which I think is really powerful for people to be it's

[00:14:39] Sharon: much better now.

[00:14:40] Sharon: Yeah,

less ignorant. I agree. 100%. And I

[00:14:43] Sharon: was told by the social worker to go on with my lie, like this didn't happen. And

I thought that,

[00:14:51] Sharon: well, I being naive, I thought, well, she knows best. So I'll try to do that. Not knowing it was impossible and she didn't tell me how to do [00:15:00] it. Just do it,

right.

It was flippant matter of fact kind of advice with no true guidance on how to execute That's right. We'll get to that in a minute. I want to hear a little bit more about your Transition from the hospital back to real life. So you've had this baby you have hemorrhaged your After her birth, you've not been allowed to see her at all.

And now it's time for your sister in law to take you back home. What do you recall anything about going home and answering? I live

[00:15:33] Sharon: very little. I moved back home after my daughter's birth. And surprisingly, now that I look back on it, no one in my family asked about her birth or how I was doing. It was just like it didn't happen.

[00:15:47] Sharon: Just like the social worker told me. And I spent the next 25 years keeping that secret.

Did you tell your brothers and sisters that you had been

[00:15:55] Sharon: pregnant? No, we didn't discuss it. [00:16:00] the ones older than me knew, but my younger brothers did not know.

Interesting. And they never asked about how you were doing.

[00:16:08] Sharon: No, a niece once tried to ask me, She once to get me to talk about it, but I told her I never wanted her to mention it again. And cause I never wanted to talk about it. And I later learned that she had told some of my other nieces, but told them promise don't ever talk to her about it.

[00:16:26] Sharon: Cause it's going to make her sad. So, so nobody ever talked to me about it.

[00:16:30] Damon: for 25 years, Sharon held the secret that she had relinquished a child for adoption. Her social worker told her to forget the experience, and Sharon told her niece, She never wanted to talk about it again, and the rest of the family didn't ask.

[00:16:45] Damon: But something like giving birth to a child doesn't just go away and never resurface. Sharon has already said that while she was told to forget what had happened, she didn't realize at the time she had been asked to do the impossible. When [00:17:00] I asked what she meant by the task being impossible, Sharon told me a story.

[00:17:04] Damon: Sharon had gotten a job at a local law firm as a legal secretary back home. in March of that year, a massive storm was expected to dump 22 inches of snow on the ground. So one of Sharon's colleagues Offered for her to stay the night at her place instead of driving all the way out to the country. and having to call out from work because she couldn't get back to the office in town. Sharon's co worker had just returned from work after her own maternity leave, having given birth to a baby boy that January.

[00:17:35] Sharon: And once we got to her home, she had asked me to, she had to go to the grocery store and she asked if I could take care of her baby until she got back.

[00:17:45] Sharon: I said, of course, I told her I would. And I did without giving any indication of placing a baby daughter for adoption just a few months earlier. I guess it is possible that since I didn't see my baby that I didn't see her in every baby with whom I came [00:18:00] in contact after that, but it just seems weird to me that, but I was so used to my nieces and nephews to being around babies that, you know, I did not see my daughter in every one of them.

[00:18:13] Sharon: Like I have heard since then, the other birth parents did.

[00:18:17] Damon: Did you wish that you had an opportunity to see her?

[00:18:20] Sharon: No, because I just believe like the social worker told me that it's probably best if I didn't

[00:18:25] Damon: yeah You were acting on me for her advice.

[00:18:28] Sharon: I was acting on yes, I was And just to give an example of how deeply I buried that secret in February of 74, I started working in a non sworn position at the local police department and the same former coworker that I had spent the night with her baby after that big snow she called me to say she knew that we would be getting a new employee in June at the police department named Jeanette.

[00:18:55] Sharon: And she went on to say she is a birth mom. She gave up her baby [00:19:00] for adoption. Can you believe that? And I was just so shocked at her remark. I said, really? And then I quickly changed the subject, because I had not told her I was pregnant. And so Jeanette started in June of 74, and she was the first birth mom that I had ever met, that I knew of.

[00:19:19] Sharon: However, to tell her that I knew she was a birth mom, I had to admit that I was one too, and I couldn't do it. I kept the secret for 21 years from her.

[00:19:30] Damon: Incredible. And

[00:19:32] Sharon: I mentioned, my turtle collection, mainly ceramic cloth and everything. I became known as the turtle lady.

[00:19:40] Sharon: And I eventually thought of myself like a turtle since I keep in my secrets, it's like a turtle going into its shell when danger approaches. and staying untilit's over, but I didn't even share that analogy until many years later.

[00:19:54] Damon: That is fascinating. Wow. What an interesting correlation [00:20:00] between your life experience and your.

[00:20:02] Damon: Passion for these turtles. That's so interesting. How did you think about your daughter over the years? You didn't tell anybody about your pregnancy. You didn't tell anybody about the relinquishment, but you've also said it was impossible to get over what you had been.

[00:20:18] Damon: I

[00:20:18] Damon: thought

[00:20:18] Sharon: ever, I thought every day I know I've heard some that said they don't think about them at all, but I think that they're in denial because I don't know how you can not think about your child every day.

[00:20:30] Sharon: I just didn't talk about anybody, even love , getting together for my family.

[00:20:35] Sharon: And being around my nieces and nephews, but when I would go home, I would usually cry on my way home or even cry myself to sleep that night because I wished I had, , knew my daughter, but I never let anybody see it. I was, I was more like two people. It seems like I, I always had a smile for everybody and I was told often that I had a nice smile.

[00:20:57] Sharon: But they didn't see the other side of me. [00:21:00]

[00:21:00] Damon: Yeah, Sharon, I can imagine that there's a lot of hiding. Yes. And that's kind of what goes with hiding, is not just pulling back what you don't want people to see, but putting forth something that you do want people to see. Yes. And that helps the hiding, right?

[00:21:18] Damon: a little bit like magic. Magic is the, this art of redirecting people's attention away from what's actually happening, and that sounds like what you were doing was creating this Hiding behind a smile. Yes. Yes, that's exactly right. Redirecting people away from the sorrows. Wow.

[00:21:32] Damon: For 25 years, Sharon held her secret.

[00:21:36] Damon: Then, she watched a movie that featured a story of an adoptee who needed a bone marrow transplant.

[00:21:42] Damon: When the movie was over, Sharon found a new set of feelings had been opened for her.

[00:21:47] Damon: she thought about the possibility that her daughter might need to find her.

[00:21:51] Damon: for medical reasons, but maybe she couldn't. Sharon bought the book featured at the end of the movie that shared how to search and reunite after [00:22:00] adoption relinquishment.

[00:22:01] Damon: Once she started her process, she learned that Kansas was a state that had never closed its adoption records.

[00:22:08] Damon: Knowing the adoption records were open, Sharon felt like her daughter could find her when she was ready.

[00:22:14] Damon: Sharon never searched for her daughter. Later, Sharon learned of a program where the city offered reimbursement for college classes, so she jumped at the opportunity. So, she jumped at the chance and enrolled in night classes.

[00:22:28] Damon: she was working the night shift at work, so she attended classes in the evenings, then went to work until 7 a.

[00:22:34] Damon: m. on February the 2nd, 1995, at 9 a. m., Sharon received a call.

[00:22:42] Damon: When the caller asked for her, correctly pronouncing her somewhat challenging last name, the woman got Sharon's attention.

[00:22:49] Sharon: She says, my name is Marsha. I'm a social worker in Kansas city. In August of 69, you gave up a baby girl for adoption, and she would like to see [00:23:00] you now.

[00:23:01] Sharon: Excuse me, I'm getting choked up I guess. doesn't usually happen. Almost dropping the phone. I burst out crying it was just like the floodgates of tears just burst wide open and I couldn't stop. And she said I'll call back later after you've had time to adjust. And I said Oh no, I'll be fine.

[00:23:22] Sharon: I wanted to hear everything. I was afraid she would hang up and I'd never hear from her again. she said, your daughter's name is Lori. Can she call you tonight? And without hesitating, I said, yes. Just knowing she was alive and wanted to meet me was a turning point. I, yes, I definitely wanted to meet her.

[00:23:42] Sharon: she said Lori had one question, and of course I thought it was, Why did you give me up? I replied that I could answer now, and she said, Lori just wants to know, where did I get all of this hair?

[00:23:59] Sharon: I started [00:24:00] laughing and I said, if she could see me or my, some of my nieces, she would understand where she got the hair. So, so that night, nine o'clock. Lori called and she said, Sharon, this is Lori. I've known all my life. I was adopted and that I would try to find you when I turned 21. I have love and respect for you because of your sacrifice.

[00:24:28] Sharon: I had a great life and the best parents anyone could want. And I was like, wow, she loved me and she had a great life. What an answer to the prayer so many years before.

[00:24:39] Damon: That's amazing. Wow. your heart must've skipped a beat when that phone call came in. Oh,

[00:24:44] Sharon: it, it did. It was just unbelievable.

[00:24:47] Sharon: it was just, it was wonderful. I didn't cry when talking to her. I couldn't believe my life was changing. You know, but and it did change. I mean, I came out of that shell with that phone [00:25:00] call. I didn't care. I mean, I started talking about her to everybody, even the clerks in the stores.

[00:25:05] Sharon: I'd say, you won't believe what happened to me today. And no longer was I keeping that secret.

[00:25:11] Damon: Wow. Really? Did you turn to your coworker whom had been sounded like judged for being a birth mother? Did you reveal yourself to her as well?

[00:25:22] Sharon: I did. I actually went back to work. I was on my own time thinking that I should tell my co workers about Lori.

[00:25:29] Sharon: And then when I go back to work on my regular shift, I wouldn't cause such a commotion. And then, well, wrong idea there. And then I remember Jeanette was on vacation and I knew I couldn't let her come back to work and hear about Lori from everybody else. So I called her at home and asked her to meet me for breakfast the next morning.

[00:25:53] Sharon: And she said, well, what has happened at work that can't wait till I get back? And I said, I'll tell you at breakfast. [00:26:00] And so the next morning I confessed to her that I had known she was a birth mom since before I met her. And I just couldn't tell her. So we both sat there

[00:26:11] Sharon: and cried

[00:26:12] Sharon: and cried. And then she said that she wished I would have told her.

[00:26:15] Sharon: Because we could have both been there for each other all those years. Because I said I wish that too. But I just couldn't do it. And I was also the first birth mom she had ever met.

[00:26:26] Damon: Oh, really? Wow. Yes. Oh, yeah. So she was silently suffering as well.

[00:26:32] Sharon: That's right.

[00:26:33] Damon: Oh, then she really wished you had come forth earlier.

[00:26:37] Damon: Oh, wow. Yes. Fascinating. Because

[00:26:39] Sharon: my daughter was born in 69. Her son was born in 1970.

[00:26:44] Damon: Oh, so you both were silently suffering, sitting right next to each other. Oh my gosh. Yes.

[00:26:50] Sharon: Yes.

[00:26:50] Damon: Unreal. So go back to your phone call with Lori. What other kinds of things do you remember her saying, and how did you [00:27:00] feel?

[00:27:01] Sharon: Well, she said that she wanted to know if we could get together the next weekend, which would be the 11th. There was nine days later, And I said, well, can you bring every picture of you that I told her that I, my hobby was photography.

[00:27:15] Sharon: And I'd like to see every picture that you've ever had made, which would be impossible. But she says. That's okay. My hobbies, photography also. So I've got lots of photos I can bring to you. we talked about things like that. we didn't really probably didn't talk too long, I told her a little bit about my life.

[00:27:36] Sharon: she knew most of it because of the information from the social work, background that she was given. I learned that she had also watched , probably the same movie. That I had watched about adoption and after it was over She had asked her mom they watched it together and she asked her mom if there's anything about adoption that she had [00:28:00] didn't know and Her mom went to her bedroom and got her paperwork and handed it to her And Lori was blown away with the stack of papers that she had.

[00:28:12] Sharon: She said they included reports from the social worker who completed the home study, and documents that provided a surprising amount of information about me. And she said the fact that she was born in Kansas made her research easier. But because of my name being so unusual, what's its own blessing.

[00:28:32] Sharon: She said that she read through the paperwork and it made sense since I was the one of 11 children born in a rural farming community with lots of brothers. That finding me probably would be easy.

[00:28:43] Damon: laurie had a friend from college who lived in Springfield, Missouri, so she asked her friend for the favor of looking through the phone book to find all of the people with Sharon's last name. There were several listed, and Sharon was the last one. Laurie [00:29:00] didn't want to make the call to Sharon herself.

[00:29:02] Damon: So she asked her supervisor at work, Marsha, to make the call and pose as a social worker on Lori's behalf. Because Lori wasn't sure she could face any rejection from Sharon directly. Marsha was honored to make the call for Lori, especially because she had worked in adoption in Kansas around the time of Lori's birth.

[00:29:23] Damon: Marsha even knew the judge whose signature appeared on Lori's adoption paperwork for their first meeting. Lori wanted to go to Sharon's house.

[00:29:33] Sharon: When I saw her get out of the car and walk down the sidewalk.

[00:29:36] Sharon: Oh man, I thought she was the most beautiful person I'd ever met.

[00:29:41] Sharon: And that's the first thing we said when she came in, we hugged and I said, you are beautiful, just like Marsha told me. She said, well, you are too. And you know, then we hugged, but we were both a little disappointed because we didn't think we looked like each other.

[00:29:57] Damon: Oh, really?

[00:29:58] Sharon: But I've heard other people say [00:30:00] that.

[00:30:00] Sharon: But after she left. And I got the film developed, no instant photos on your phone, you know, and so I had to wait to get the film developed. And I saw the photos of a side by side.

[00:30:13] Sharon: And then I said, oh, yes, we do look alike. So I can see it in the photos. I just can't see it. Yeah,

[00:30:21] Damon: Yeah, I had the same challenge with my biological father, right? I didn't see it when I came face to face with him. And it wasn't until my wife showed me a photo of the two of us standing next to each other. I was like, Oh, wow.

[00:30:33] Sharon: Oh yeah, they're right. We do look alike.

[00:30:36] Damon: Yeah. It's really crazy. Really crazy. So how was your reunion day? She came to your home?

[00:30:42] Sharon: Yes.

[00:30:43] Damon: And what'd you guys do?

[00:30:44] Sharon: We talked for a few hours. And she got, she bought her photo albums in with her and I started looking at them. And instead of photos of her growing up, it was photos of her going to music concerts.[00:31:00]

[00:31:00] Sharon: That was her favorite thing to do. And she went to music concerts, And so I got my photo albums out and showed them to her. And I had album after album of photos showing me going to music concerts.

[00:31:13] Damon: Oh my gosh. Are you serious? That's crazy.

[00:31:16] Sharon: I am serious.

[00:31:17] Damon: Wow. I tell you, nature is unbeatable. It's really unreal.

[00:31:25] Damon: I mean, this is unbelievable. You, not only did you never ever get to see her, but after years and years apart, You have so many of the same and similar interests. It's just astonishing. Wow.

[00:31:40] Sharon: Yeah, it is. And during those, well, that first year after meeting her, it was quite the rollercoaster ride, you know, like people talk about.

[00:31:48] Sharon: I was happier than I had ever been. But then just as quickly I would, I think, Oh, what if she sees me now? And then she, that's enough for her. And she never wants to see me again. So I was [00:32:00] just going back and forth all that time. But we did see each other a lot during that first year because, well, we were three hours apart from Springfield to Kansas City, but neither one of us was married at that time.

[00:32:13] Sharon: And, because I had never been married, when neither one of us had ever been married. But so we was able to spend quality time together during that first year, getting to know each other. And I remember I went to my one time, my sister lived in Kansas city. So I was able to go and stay with her, but she wanted me to her children to meet Lori.

[00:32:36] Sharon: And so we went over to her house, their house, and to meet Lori for the first time. And my niece looked at us and she says, I can't believe it. We were standing on the hearth of the, you know, the fireplace and we were sitting exactly. I like, I was leaning with my hand up, leaning on my My chin, you know, holding my face, crossing my legs and just sitting there talking and [00:33:00] she says, you two are setting exactly the same way.

[00:33:04] Sharon: And it just blows my mind that, you know, little things like, just like what you said. Yeah, I mean, it's just. So many things alike.

[00:33:12] Damon: You can separate the people, but the connection just does not sever. It's really unreal

[00:33:18] Damon: Sharon said she had been ready to meet Lori's adoptive mother before her mom was ready to meet Sharon. It seemed like every time Sharon was in town, Lori's mom was away doing something with her sister. It could have been that the whole situation may have been hard for Lori's mother. Lori and Sharon met in February, so when Lori's birthday came around in August of that year, her mom told her that the next time Sharon came around, she was ready to meet her. Lori was thrilled that the two important women in her life would finally be able to connect.

[00:33:53] Sharon: / we met and I actually spent the night with her mom, just the two of us in her house.

[00:33:59] Sharon: And [00:34:00] talked about, she got out her photo albums and I got to see all the photos that she had from Lorie when she was growing up and everything. And it's just a wonderful time.

[00:34:09] Damon: How was it to see those photos of her in her youth as presented to you by the woman who raised her?

[00:34:17] Sharon: It was difficult, but yet thrilled.

[00:34:20] Sharon: I could not get enough of her. I wanted to see everything, I just wanted to see everything. And I really did not see resemblance. There are just a very few pictures that I saw of her in the photo albums. I thought of myself at those at that same age. I didn't think that we looked looked alike growing up, but wasn't that I've been told by classmates.

[00:34:40] Sharon: I mean, people at the police department when they see photos of her on my Facebook page, they said they have to stop and think. Oh, that's not Sharon. That's her daughter. And they thankfully look that much alike.

[00:34:53] Damon: Lori's adoptive father had passed away a year before her reunion with Sharon. About a year [00:35:00] after their first meeting, Sharon was invited to Lori's wedding. She was so glad to be there, but it was an emotionally difficult time for her. Sharon got to see the daughter she had always loved get married, but she didn't want the spotlight to be on her on Lori's special day. So, only a few people at the wedding knew her true identity. But even deeper than that, Sharon was among the guests.

[00:35:26] Sharon: I was thinking the whole time, that should be me, the setting there. And it was just like, there again.

[00:35:32] Sharon: I was a smile for everybody because you know, the people there didn't know who I was. There were a few that did, but most of them did not know me, just, I was just one of her friends, to them. And I wouldn't have had it any other way because I wouldn't have wanted to. Everybody to come over and say, Oh you're Lori's mom, you know, and all this, because it was her day.

[00:35:53] Sharon: So that's the way it should have been, but it still was difficult for me to watch in the background.

[00:35:58] Damon: As a relative [00:36:00] anonymous participant to most. Yeah. Right. Right.

[00:36:03] Sharon: But then one of her aunts, her mother's sister said shook my hand and she, of course, knew me, but we met for the first time that day.

[00:36:11] Sharon: Right. And she said, if it weren't for you, we wouldn't be here today. And I thought, you know, that was very nice of her to say that.

[00:36:19] Damon: Absolutely. That is a very important and huge acknowledgement in the moment. A lot of people aren't, emotionally sensitive enough to recognize. The history that has preceded that moment.

[00:36:32] Damon: So for her to be able to step to you and acknowledge that that was really special. Very cool. Yes.

[00:36:38] Sharon: And the other thing that's special at her wedding was that I went through the receiving line and of course gave her a hug, her and David a hug, and Lori had tears in her eyes and You could just tell it really got her to, for me to be there.

[00:36:53] Sharon: So that, that made my day too.

/

[00:36:56] Damon: Given how their relationship ended so abruptly, I was [00:37:00] curious how Sharon shared any information about Lori's birth father with her. She said that in the nine days before Lori visited her home for the first time, she realized that her daughter would want to know about her birth father.

[00:37:12] Damon: So Sharon tried to find him so she could give Lori at least some information to go with. But Sharon never located the man. His name was too common as there were over 200 versions. Of the same first name last name combination everywhere she searched on the day They met as they looked at photo albums Lori gently asked Sharon if she could ask about something placing her hand on Sharon's knee Saying she understood if it was too painful to discuss Then, she asked about her birth father.

[00:37:45] Damon: Sharon told me that when the social worker was taking her information before Lori's adoption, She told Sharon that she did not have to name the birth father. So, the man's name does not appear in the records Lori received from her adoptive mother.

[00:37:59] Damon: Had Lori [00:38:00] not located Sharon, she might not have learned the man's identity unless through some other search method, like what we have available today through DNA testing. Recall that Sharon and the man had been introduced by his aunt, was able to locate later. The aunt recommended that if it came down to it, she should avoid speaking with the man's wife. It was a bad idea to speak with his spouse because she would not understand the history between them, even decades later. Sharon took the man's phone number from his aunt and then called his house one morning.

[00:38:35] Sharon: His wife answered the phone

[00:38:37] Damon: and I

[00:38:38] Sharon: thought, Oh no, what am I going to do?

[00:38:40] Sharon: And I asked for him and she says, Well, he's asleep right now. He works nights and I was real hateful. And I said, well, she says, what do you want with him anyway? And I said, well, I just talked to the, his aunt in Texas and I, she suggested I call him and she said, Oh, [00:39:00] okay. How are they? I haven't talked to them in a long time.

[00:39:03] Sharon: And she got so friendly. And she says, he's waking up right now. So, he'll be here in just a moment. I said, well, I work nights, so I understand. I call it so early in the morning, you know, and so it starts off just fine. And I told, talked to him and when he answered, I told him who I was. And I said, do you remember me?

[00:39:23] Sharon: And he said, yes. And I said, do you remember the night that I told you I was pregnant? He said, yes, so then I just told him about her and told her that she had contacted me and that she would like to see him or see a photo of him or something, you know, and get his medical history. And so he said, I don't know too much about medical history at this point, but he told me what he had.

[00:39:49] Sharon: I gave him all her information her phone number and address, every way to contact her, so he wouldn't have to go through me again. But he has never contacted [00:40:00] her, and all these years he had requested that I, That she not contacted, contact him his son or his mother.

[00:40:11] Sharon: He didn't say don't contact me. He said just don't contact my mother or my son. And so I told him I would tell her and I said I can't say what she will do. But anyway, that was it. his mother died a couple years after that, and Dory sent him a sympathy card, and he never responded to that, so, and that was it as far as I know she's never heard, she just looks at, same way I do, I just think it's totally his loss.

[00:40:42] Sharon: But he does have a son and she knows where he lives. She knows everything about them, but she just said she does not want to contact him. If he doesn't want to meet me, I don't want to meet him. I don't want to interfere in his life, so.

[00:40:56] Damon: that's totally understandable, right? This person has clearly indicated, [00:41:00] I do not want to know you.

[00:41:02] Damon: And so why would you feel anywhere near comfortable going around that person to others, you know, it just, it would just rock the boat and tear down. Any chance for building trust. There is no trust right now because there's no relationship. And so to go around would just evaporate any opportunity to build trust because you've clearly gone against that person's wishes.

[00:41:27] Damon: So I,

[00:41:27] Damon: I understand exactly where Lori's coming from. So Sharon, how may I ask, how are you doing now? You've been through reunion with Lori for how many years now?

[00:41:38] Sharon: 28, I think.

[00:41:39] Damon: Wow. Wow. How are you doing now?

[00:41:43] Sharon: it's still going. I. Became a grandmother a few years after they got married, and there's nothing like being a grandmother.

[00:41:52] Sharon: I've got grandson and a granddaughter, Josh and Rhiannon, and there's just nothing like it. later, I did get married [00:42:00] after for the first time in 2005, I married my best friend of many years. And Lori and David got to come to my wedding. Oh, wow. So we've, and we've spent back and forth to Kansas city so many times for the, once they started the school, you know, according to grandparents day, the concerts band concerts, choir concerts, dance recitals, you know, all that kind of stuff there.

[00:42:29] Sharon: They always had three grandmothers on the front rows, cheering them on.

[00:42:32] Damon: That's kind of

[00:42:36] Damon: the funny thing about adoption. To me, union is. It's not just that the family expands, but the way that it expands, you go from having two parents to potentially four parents. And so there's a lot more people to invite to stuff.

[00:42:50] Damon: There's a whole lot more sort of grands and cousins and everything. It's just, it's really fascinating.

[00:42:56] Sharon: So the things I've done since then is I got [00:43:00] a book published in December of 2006. And I started out just being a story for Lori to know about my life before she met me. But after so many people, my mom and a bunch of others read my manuscript, they said, you've got to get this published so that other people can benefit from it.

[00:43:19] Sharon: And then I agreed. I thought, I do want birth moms to realize that they're not alone. And I asked Jeanette to go to Jefferson City with me when I realized that, you know, Lori had it made in Kansas because she found me immediately. That I wanted the ones in Missouri to be able to find. The adoptees to be able to get their original birth certificates.

[00:43:39] Sharon: So, I had made a trip in 2000 to Jefferson City and talked with a bunch of other people from all over the state trying to get the laws changed, but it, we were not successful then. But later on in 2015, representative Don Phillips was a reunited adoptee and he filed a [00:44:00] house bill and we got it passed in

[00:44:01] Damon: Oh, that's amazing. And

[00:44:05] Sharon: had a big celebration and Jeanette even started going to Jefferson City with me all those times. She started opening up too and being able to share her story for the first time. And Lori, when we had the big celebration, the day that all the records were adoptees were able to request their information, we had a conference.

[00:44:27] Sharon: Celebration and Lori and Jeanette and I shared all three shared our stories at that celebration.

Oh, that's amazing. Wow.

[00:44:35] Sharon: And then I've since my passion has been to help adopt these and birth parents in Missouri to find each other. So I've been doing that for 20 plus years. I had classes in DNA and I started as a local support group, co founded as a local support group 20 years ago, 21 years ago now.

[00:44:54] Sharon: adoption triad of the Ozarks and we had the big celebration last year for celebrate [00:45:00] 20 years and Lori was able to come and attend with it. And it was just awesome. And now I'm also one of the peer support facilitators for first family, birth first families for adoption knowledge affiliates based in Austin, Texas.

[00:45:17] Sharon: And we meet on the 2nd Tuesday of the month at 7 o'clock Central. So, thank you. Nothing is comparable to the person I was for 25 and a half years being inside that turtle shell, afraid for anyone to know to what I am now the past 28 and a half years. Knowing, loving, and sharing Lori with the world, so to speak.

Yeah, I can imagine.

[00:45:44] Sharon: I'll be forever grateful that she found me.

[00:45:47] Damon: Absolutely. Unreal, Sharon. Really unreal. It's so interesting to hear, too, that you spent so much time in the turtle shell [00:46:00] that when Lori came around and you were finally able to come out and you were You turned a lot of your life's passion into adoption advocacy, right?

[00:46:10] Damon: You went from not talking about it at all to being in support groups and writing your book and doing all of these things, right? It's incredible.

[00:46:18] Sharon: Yes, it is. In fact, I have to watch my time because My my husband has been very supportive of everything that I do, but he did ask me one time if he's going to have to get adopted to get some of

[00:46:36] Sharon: my attention.

[00:46:39] Sharon: I said, Oh, poor guy.

[00:46:41] Damon: Yeah,

But

[00:46:42] Damon: It's so interesting to see when people really come out of their shell to continue the metaphor and really focus in on what adoption has meant to them, that it does become such a source of passion for one, finding your own. Place of [00:47:00] mental health, but then also supporting others to not suffer in the same ways that you may have in the past, and this is what you and I and so many other people are focused on is how do we lift up others by one telling our story to facilitating the storytelling of others to get the truths out there?

[00:47:19] Damon: And three, sort of promoting the advocacy that's going to allow others to have a smoother path towards reunion and have a smoother journey through it. Yeah, really incredible. Before we go, Sharon, go ahead.

[00:47:31] Sharon: Yeah, I was just going to tell you, Jeanette, after going to those meetings with me in Congestion City, she met Heather Green also, who was able to find her son.

[00:47:41] Sharon: And so they have found each other since then. And of course she owes me a lot, owes it all to me because I was, brought her out of her shell. But it's just the way things happened that I was so pleased with that. And her son, when he found out that [00:48:00] she had worked 28 years at the police department, he was shocked because he is a sheriff in another county in Missouri.

[00:48:08] Sharon: And that is another wonderful story.

[00:48:10] Damon: Wow. It's unreal. I tell you, Sharon, I wish I could help everybody tell all of them, but there's just too many to get to. I know. You know what I mean? There's just

[00:48:18] Sharon: too many. I know.

[00:48:20] Damon: Really incredible. I know. Well, Sharon, before we go, you mentioned your book. Tell everybody what the name of your book is.

[00:48:27] Sharon: "I choose this day mornings and miracles of adoption."

[00:48:31] Damon: Really cool. I hope folks will check it out and get something meaningful from the depth of your story. I'm so glad that we found you. It's really amazing.

[00:48:40] Sharon: I am too.

I love it. And I

[00:48:42] Sharon: appreciate all this that you've given me today.

[00:48:45] Damon: Oh, it's my pleasure, Sharon.

[00:48:47] Damon: I'm so glad that you were here and I'm really glad to hear that. Laurie finding you was able to bring you out of your shell. That is just incredible. So you sound like a bright spirit and I'm glad that she helped to bring that bright spirit [00:49:00] out. Yes.

[00:49:00] Sharon: Yes,

[00:49:01] Damon: very

[00:49:02] Sharon: much. So

[00:49:02] Damon: thanks so much for being here with me, Sharon.

[00:49:04] Damon: Thanks for sharing your story. I, like I said, I believe it's important for us to hear. Birth mother, first mother stories as well. And I'm really grateful for you to trust me to help you tell it.

[00:49:15] Sharon: You've done great. And you've made it so easy to talk to you.

[00:49:18] Damon: You take care of Sharon, all the best to you.

[00:49:20] Damon: Okay.

[00:49:21] Sharon: Okay. Thank you.

[00:49:22] Damon: Bye bye.

[00:49:28] Damon: Hey, it's me. Sharon was forced to make a very tough decision about placing her daughter for adoption after she was rejected by Lori's birth father. I hope you picked up on the important things Sharon said about her experience, that she was drugged to make her forget the birthing process, that her social worker told her to forget the entire experience, but that she thought about Lori every day that she hid behind her smile.

[00:49:55] Damon: to mask the pain of her loss in front of others. and, that even [00:50:00] when she knew of another birth mother working right next to her, Sharon could not bring herself to come out and share her own experience. I was so glad to hear that Laurie found Sharon, and they were able to create a bond.

[00:50:13] Damon: Sharon was able to be at Laurie's wedding, and she has the experience of being a grandmother. Adopted birth parents miss out on so much of what could have been our lives together. And many times adoptees are thankful for the life we did live. So when reunion happens and adoptive parents are able to accept it for what it is, everyone's deep healing can begin or Continue.

[00:50:39] Damon: I'm Damon Davis hope you've found something in Sharon's journey that inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn Who Am I Really? If you would like to share the story of your adoption and your attempt to connect with your biological family, please visit [00:51:00] whoamireallypodcast.

[00:51:00] Damon: com slash share. You can follow me on Instagram at Damon L. Davis and follow the podcast at WAI really.