Hey, before we start the podcast today, I wanna invite you to my Bridges program. This is a small group coaching program that starts the beginning of March. If you are interested in learning how to apply all the things that I teach on the podcast at a fraction of the price of private coaching, email me a message, and I can send you all the details. My email is in the show notes. Welcome to Midlife with Brooke. I am your host, Brooke Oniki. I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ, a wife, mother, grandma, and a certified life coach. On this podcast, we talk about all things mothering, health and emotional wellbeing. I share practical tools and examples from my life and from the lives of my clients to help you navigate this new season of midlife. It can feel tricky and confusing and a little bit out of our comfort zone as our children grow up and they don't really need us in the same way. These concepts and principles have changed my life and I've watched them change the lives of my clients, and I hope that they can be helpful if there are things that you wanna change in your life. So let's get started. Hey, welcome to the podcast. Today, I wanna talk about something that I think will help you in any relationship, but I think it's especially helpful with our young adults because we are at a different stage of life, and so the things that we've experienced are often very different than theirs, and so our perspectives are Different. Our frame of reference is different. And so when we have a better understanding of that, we can give each other a little more room, a little more space, a little more benefit of the doubt. So let me give you some examples. When I was in my sophomore year of college, I couldn't afford to go on a study abroad, but I figured out that I could go to BYU Hawaii and the only additional cost would be my airfare, and so I felt like I could kind of create my own study abroad. By going to Hawaii for a semester. So I pitched this idea to my parents. They were very supportive. They seemed to think that was a really good and fun idea. And so I started saving my money and when fall came, I packed my bags and we got to the airport and my mom went to hug me goodbye. And she just broke down and cried. And I remember thinking, I. That is so cute. Like that is so sweet that she is so concerned about me and that she's sad. She never let on that. She was sad when I was getting ready or during the summer, and so I was really surprised about this strong reaction. So fast forward 30 years and my own kids started leaving home and. For the first time I understood my mom and instead of thinking, oh, how cute I, I understood that mixture of excitement and anticipation for them and also. Deep sadness in some ways for myself, but I couldn't actually understand it until I had been there myself. So sometimes when we expect our kids to appreciate certain things or to recognize that they should be more sensitive or more appreciative, it's helpful for me to remember that they don't actually have a frame of reference for that yet. So what do I mean by frame of reference? When I Googled it, I found the definition a person's subjective reality shaped by his or her particular experience and culture and, the basis for his or her perceptions of the world. today I'm gonna share some examples, I hope that they'll help you understand how they have shaped. My life and what I've chosen to do going forward. And I know that you've had experiences that have helped shape your life going forward, so if these experiences have not yet happened to the people we love or not yet happened to our children, can we make room for them and be patient as their lives unfold and change so that eventually they will also have a frame of reference for that.

The first story that I wanna share with you is a really difficult thing that happened to my mother She gave me permission to share it with you, and I know it has shaped her life dramatically, and it has also shaped my life in many ways. when I was in junior high, my oldest sister graduated from high school and my mother started driving a school bus and she was doing this to earn money to, to help pay for my sister's college. And then, you know, we had nine kids in our family. So as everyone started going off to college, this was just extra income for my family. That made it so my mom didn't have to work really long hours, but she was able to contribute. So she did this for many years and my sophomore year in college, after I came back from BYU Hawaii, I was at Rick's College and I got a phone call in the spring one day telling me that when my mom was driving her school bus, she had stopped. 'cause some boys on the bus were fighting and so she was talking to them and while she was talking to them, a little girl. Got off the bus and her papers flew underneath the bus, and so she climbed underneath the bus to get her papers and my mom ran over her and it killed this little girl. So when I got this phone call. About my mom, of course. My heart was broken for her and for this family. And I remember going home that weekend to be with my family and so many people came. So many people came to sit with her and be with her. Even strangers came who had had similar experiences, who wanted to extend their heartfelt compassion and sorrow for my mom and this experience that she was having. The family of this little girl were very kind to my parents and, um, we're so grateful. For them and for their kindness. But I learned from my mom through that experience. She said, you just need to come When someone is hurting and has gone through something very difficult, it's really important to come to just be with them. They don't need your food. They don't need flowers. They don't need. You to bring things. They just need to know that you care and that you'll show up. And she said lots of people came that were even, it was surprising to her, but there were some people that she felt very close to who didn't come, and that was really hard for her, that people that she thought would. Would be there for her. We're not there. So from that time on, my mom has taught me that when someone is going through something That's difficult. It's very important for us to be there and you don't even have to know what to say. It's not even important to say anything she said. Just being there and being with them is the important thing, and that they will remember that you are there and that you love them and supported them. I remember when my mother-in-law passed away and. Uh, she was 91 and she had dementia and she had lots of challenges near the end of her life, which were really difficult things for us as we were trying to help take care of her. And so I remember when she passed away feeling a lot more sad than I was expecting. I felt a lot of loss that even maybe I was surprised about. And so it wasn't surprising to me that some of my friends had the reaction of, oh, this must be a relief for you, or people that I was close to didn't really reach out to me, and I remember thinking. I'm surprised that some people that I thought would be there weren't there for me. And then I remember realizing, oh, they haven't actually lost a mother-in-law or a father-in-law yet, and so maybe they don't understand that this is a really hard thing to go through. So rather than being hurt by that, I try to remember. They don't actually understand. And in my mom's case, I think sometimes people don't know what to say or do, and so they don't actually come. I remember a close friend of mine who left the church and she said to me, I feel like I kind of just. Became invisible, that my neighbors didn't reach out to me anymore, that people weren't talking to me or as friendly. And I remember talking with her about how people are actually scared. They don't know what to say, and they don't know if you're mad. They don't know if they've offended you. And so instead of going and having conversations and expressing love, oftentimes we let our fear get in the way of being. That genuine, loving person that we wanna be. And so when we haven't experienced things before, often we don't do anything because we let our fear overtake us. I remember when I became a daughter-in-law, how I was so nervous and wondering like, how can I be a good daughter-in-law and how can I get her to like me? And I didn't ever really think, I wonder if it's hard for her to be a mother-in-law. Because I didn't have any frame of reference for that. I didn't really know. To even think about how she might be feeling. So when I became a mother of mom myself, I was like, oh, this is a little harder than I thought. Like I don't know exactly how to build a relationship with this. This person that's married to my child, like how do I make connections with them that are separate and individual and, and not just glommed on with my, my child that they've married? So it's a really tricky thing for us. To do things we've never done before, but often we think other people have some frame of reference for it, and so we're offended or hurt or we feel rejected or we put meaning to things even when maybe There doesn't need to be. Does that make sense? if our kids don't have a frame of reference for being a mother-in-law, they're worried about how to be a daughter-in-law. Or how to be a daughter, or if they have different feelings about the church than you do and they don't know exactly how to talk to you about it, it's not because they hate you or think you're a bad mother. They just don't have the experience to know how to communicate those things with you, and you may not have that experience either. So rather than thinking other people are trying to hurt us or offend us, if we can remember that. We are just all doing our best to try to figure out our own place with the experiences that we've had, and if we haven't had those experiences yet, we may not have a full understanding of how to behave. I remember years ago hearing Brene Brown talk about doing this research where she asked people, do you think other people are doing their best? And lots of people said, yes, I think they are doing their best. And some people said, no, people aren't doing their best. They're abusing their kids. They're alcoholics, they're, you know, people who are in prison for crimes. Of course, they're not doing their best. one day she talked to her husband about it and asked him, do you think people are doing their best? And he said, I need to think about that for a while. And he came back to her the next day and said, I don't actually know if people are doing their best, but if I think and believe they're doing their best, then I treat them better. So I want to assume that people are doing their best. And I think that that's a beautiful way to interact with others. Others who maybe don't see your needs or maybe don't understand what you're going through If I can believe that people are doing their best and give them the benefit of the doubt, then I don't have to feel like a victim all the time. I don't have to feel so easily offended by others. And when I do have a frame of reference, when I do have an experience like my mom had, then I remember and I come. I come and sit with the person who needs me. I go to the funeral. Even though I didn't even know your mom. One last story. I have two cousins, one whose husband had an affair and they got divorced and another one whose husband died and it was within a couple of years of each other. And the one who got divorced, there was some support in the ward and support Amongst the people in her neighborhood, but not nearly like the one whose husband died. When her husband died, people came outta the woodwork for her, which is so beautiful. but my cousin who got divorced could have really used people coming out of the woodwork for her. And so I think that as we have experiences and understand more about what people are going through and try to be interested and let them talk about it and show compassion, it can increase our frame of reference. My mom's experience Increased my capacity to show up for people even when it's something I haven't experienced and don't actually know what to say, and I haven't been divorced, but I've seen people that I love go through it, and so I can increase my capacity to be compassionate and understanding. And when other people don't see my needs, what a great skill to just realize they don't actually fully understand it. My cousin who lost her husband said to me, I'm not that I wish this on anybody, but I'm kind of excited for you guys to have this experience so that you'll be able to say, oh, now I understand. So that's my wish for you today. Whenever you're feeling misunderstood, or feeling like your kids aren't appreciative or don't notice all of the things that you do, remind yourself that they don't actually have a frame of reference for that all the time. I. I'm still telling my mom, Hey, I didn't realize all that you were doing for me. As I have done things for my own kids, I've started to realize all the behind the scenes, all the sacrifice, and I keep learning that and I keep seeing. As I age and grow older, and she's had to wait a long time for me to recognize all that she's done, and I'm sure there are a million things that I never have recognized. So when I use that. Tool of remembering that not everyone has a frame of reference for what I'm experiencing. I can appreciate the effort I'm making. I can appreciate the way I'm showing up for other people, and I don't need so much validation from them in order to feel okay. And I also try to remember. all the things that my heavenly parents do for me that I often don't remember to thank them for. And then I'm less concerned about the appreciation I get from others. So I hope you'll think about those things and see if there's something that you can do to loosen your grip on needing to feel appreciated. All right, have a good week. We'll see you next time.

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