8 Signs To Identify Healthy Relationships & Find Real Love When Healing From Narcissistic Relationships

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Speaker: [00:00:00] By the end of today's episode, you will know exactly what a healthy relationship should look like and what is normal to expect from a healthy partner.

Speaker: Welcome to Heartbreak to Wholeness, the podcast helping you heal from the mind fuck of narcissistic relationships and move towards a secure, peaceful woman you want to become.

I am your host Bre Wolta, Relationship Clarity Coach and EFT Certified Practitioner. Let's dive in.

Welcome back to the episode. Today we are talking about healthy relationships. And this episode is really going to show you why it's so important to know what is possible.

So in this episode, you are going to understand the eight signs that you can look for in a healthy relationship so that you stop wondering if what you can or should expect from somebody else. You are going to discover the surprising common belief that so many of us women have about relationships that keep us [00:01:00] stuck.

And you're going to learn why focusing on what is possible in relationships is so important to help you really be able to actually call in and experience real love in your next relationship. And be sure to stick around to the end of the episode where I will pull an Oracle card that will offer you a message that you can stay conscious of and anchored into this week in your healing.

Okay, so let's get into it. I want ~to start, I'm going ~to start by sharing a little bit about me, a little bit about my past view of relationships. ~So you guys know, most likely, you know, that I have been.~

So if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that I am here because of my direct experience of having moved through and healed and recovered from a toxic narcissistic relationship. And even before. that relationship.

I had a very clear understanding of relationships, just having an underlying tone of anxiety and [00:02:00] codependence. ~So ~my last ex really took the cake in the toxicity and the, the toxic dynamic that we created together. But, but before him, I was really chasing Unavailable men, emotionally unavailable men specifically, and I believed that if I just tried harder, or was more perfect, or was more lovable, or conformed more to them, that they would want to be with me.

And once they were with me, Then I believed that I could fix them. It didn't really matter if we had shared values or, ~uh, ~needs or wants. I didn't know what that was back then. So I was just looking to be chosen. And once I was chosen, I was fixated on Fixing, quote unquote, the person, whether that was helping them move through an addiction or that was just fixing them to want to be in a long [00:03:00] term committed relationship.

And so these relationships were exhausting. I was working. Like, it became another full time job. Managing My emotions because of their emotions and trying to walk on eggshells to create the perfect environment so that he wasn't upset or he wouldn't, you know, want space away from me. I didn't understand that space away from your partner was healthy at that time in my life.

And so I was putting a lot of energy out into these relationships. I was literally treating it like I had to hold everything and be responsible for everything in order for that relationship to not fall to pieces. ~And ~there was this underlying anxiety all ~of ~the time because I never believed I never felt secure.

I never felt like the other shoe wasn't going to drop. I never felt like I could truly trust myself or the other person, because also at that time, I was [00:04:00] really emotionally unavailable and I was not willing to be vulnerable. I was just trying to stay safe. I was trying to stay safe by keeping that person in my orbit.

And the biggest belief that I had, and that ~so many of my clients that I had, and ~so many of my clients have, is this belief that relationships are just supposed to be hard. They are just supposed to be, foundationally, where you can't Don't really trust your partner where you have to do everything because you don't trust them to do it.

You don't trust their word. You believe that the fighting and the arguing is just part of disagreeing with another human. ~You sort of settle for not having, ~you sort of settle for not having the resolve after a fight. You just get into this understanding that, well, relationships are hard. And I'm going to be here for the long haul.

And if I just work hard enough, I can change them. That was, that was the rabbit hole that I slipped into. Like [00:05:00] Alice, I went down into that world and stayed there for a very long time, believing truly that I could change somebody who honestly had no desire to change. And that in doing so, that would make the relationship easy.

I don't want to put this misconception out there that healthy relationships are easy, but they are ease ful. So when you are with somebody who has the eight signs that we're going to go through in just a moment, you are more aligned and there is less friction. There is less tension. There is less trying to convince the other person that what's important, what is important to you is important to them.

And it's just like, you're both in a boat and you're going downstream in the same direction. And as you come against rapids, you can row around the rapids, you can navigate the rocks. There's still things that come up, but you're already moving together in the right direction. [00:06:00] Versus the hardness of relationships that we can feel when we're paddling upstream.

When we are in the same boat, but one's trying to turn left and I'm trying to turn right, and there's rapids and there's rocks and everything is just in total chaos. So, easeful, still takes effort, hard,

It's something that you don't have to experience in relationships if you're with the right person.

So, for me, the belief that I had about relationships was very skewed. And this belief came from of course, everything that I saw, and Up to that point in my life. So childhood, my parents interaction and their, their relationship dynamic, the dynamics I had had with other men up until that point, it all led to this solidifying belief that I was holding.

And I didn't even know what I was missing. I didn't even know that there was another [00:07:00] possible way to be in a relationship with somebody. ~There's that saying, uh, what is it? Like, you ask a fish, If they're in water, or what is You know the saying that's something along the lines of you ask a fish what kind of water they're in and they're like, what water?~

And that is why this episode is so important for me and for you, because we have to know what is possible in order to believe that That it can be true in order to believe that other people have it. And if other people have it, then, oh, I can take the steps to get it.

This metaphor comes to me when I think about this of if you've only experienced a lukewarm bath, okay. I love, I love baths, especially in the winter time, but I hate lukewarm baths. Okay. But if you only knew. Lukewarm bath with no anything else. It's just like a tub of water that was lukewarm.

You might think that that was good enough. Well, I still get to submerge in here. I still get to have a moment to myself and that might be your, your baseline understanding of what a bath is versus somebody who has experienced a luxurious bubble bath in water [00:08:00] hot enough to almost burn you, because that's how I like my baths, where you can totally submerge, you can have bubbles surrounding you, you have candles lit, you can have music going, and you're creating a whole different experience for yourself. That in essence is the same thing, right?

You're still in a bath, but one is elevated, and one is beyond elevated. just the normal sort of settling for the water piece of the bath. But if you don't know that bubbles and candles and hot water exist, then you're not going to know that you can expect that in a relationship. And you're going to be stuck in shitty lukewarm baths.

So I want you to have the luxurious bubble bath. So let's get into the eight signs. What does this actually mean? I know you're listening to this and you're like, okay, but I need some tangible like bullet points.

If you are a type A person like me, maybe you are noting this for later. Maybe you're writing it down. These are the bullet [00:09:00] pointed signs to look for. Number one, communication. Communication is Well, let's say healthy communication is the number one sign of a healthy relationship because we have to be able to communicate with our partner.

This is a person that you are navigating your entire life, potentially, future life with, and life is full of shit. Life is full of things that come up within yourself, full of things that come up within the partnership. If you have kids, if you have jobs that end, right? We're just in constant flux. in life.

And if we cannot communicate with our partner, whether it be something specific to the relationship or not, we are left feeling like we're alone on our own little island in our relationship, which is not the purpose of a partnership. The purpose of a partnership is to be in partnership. So healthy communication ~is, ~is based [00:10:00] in respect.

It's based in curiosity. Because if I respect you, I want to know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what your experience is. And if I want to know those things, then I'm going to make space to talk to you about those things with curiosity. I'm not going to come back and say, you're wrong for feeling that thing.

I'm going to say, tell me more. How can I help? And if it's something that is, ~is, um, ~pertaining to the relationship specifically. The communication around, hey, this is working for me, this is not, is really important so that you guys ~can, ~can course correct in the moment without letting little things become big things.

And so you have to, have to, have to, have to, have to have good communication, even if it's uncomfortable. Even if you start the conversation with, I don't know how to say this, I feel so uncomfortable being vulnerable in this way, but I'm going to say it and we're going to work through it together. [00:11:00] So number one, communication.

Number two is accountability. This is another good sign of a healthy relationship. Are both people taking responsibility for their shit? Are both people giving apologies? Like, honest, sincere, true apologies? Not, I'm sorry that you feel that way. But is it thoughtful? Are they having some self reflection around the apology?

It's almost inevitable, I believe, that we were going to accidentally upset our partner or accidentally say something that triggers them in a very specific way based on their own past baggage of stuff. ~And, um, ~We have to be able to, to take accountability and say, Oh, that was really rude of me to say, or that came from a really wounded place of mine.

I'm so sorry that that landed in that way. What can I do? And taking accountability is so mature. You have to have a lot of emotional [00:12:00] maturity to be able to take accountability.

Otherwise one person is left feeling like everything is their fault. And maybe that's because there's no communication around things that are not working. So one person assumes that responsibility and that, that self blame. And maybe it's because your partner is actually telling you that everything is your fault.

And so that's something to really look out for as a red flag. I know we're talking about green flags right now, but if you're being told over and over again that everything is your fault and you should go to therapy and you should really figure it out, it can never always be your fault. There's two people in the dynamic.

There's two people dancing. We're gonna step on each other's toes, and we learn how to say I'm sorry for those things. So, so far we have number one, communication. Number two, accountability. Number three is compromise. Not sacrifice, okay?

When we're compromising, we are holding space, we're communicating, we are taking [00:13:00] both people's needs into account, and we are creating a solution where both people feel like that's a win. If we're sacrificing, one person is giving up, most of the time, something that's important to them. Compromise can only come when we have good communication because we have to know what the other person needs.

We have to know what we need in order to come to ~that, that, ~that conclusion that feels good for both of us. So in a healthy relationship, you believe that both people's needs matter equally. And that's really important that equally is the key word. ~Um, And that's really important that there's an equalness to that importance.~

It's not one person gets what they want most of the time, 90 percent of the time, and 10 percent of the time we can compromise. It is a 50 50 compromise. So communication, accountability, compromise. Number four is safety. And I lump trust in with this because we don't trust people that don't make us feel [00:14:00] safe, right?

~We have to, ~trust and safety go really hand in hand. ~And safety and trust,~

so this is emotional, this is physical, this is financial, this is spiritual, this is sexual. If I don't feel safe sexually or financially, that's going to be really hard for me to trust that person. It's going to be really hard for me to open up literally my body or to, to combine finances or to open up emotionally to you if I don't trust you, if you haven't earned that trust.

And so being really aware of does this person make me feel safe? Again, can we communicate? Is there accountability? Do we compromise? All of these things lead to me feeling safe around this person. So checking in, where's the safety?

Is there not safety? Has there been betrayal? Has there been lies? Can that be repaired? Are they working [00:15:00] towards making an effort in repairing that? Safety and Trust are huge, huge, huge. Okay, Communication, Accountability, Compromise, Safety and Trust, now Respect. Respect kind of goes along with all of these, but it felt important to name specifically.

If I don't respect you, I'm not going to care to do these other things. I'm not going to care to hear your opinions. I'm not going to care to compromise. I'm not going to care to make you feel safe. I have to baseline respect you to care about your experience and to care about how I contribute to your experience.

And number six is fun. Fun, I threw in there because this is something that was not really talked about in a healthy relationship dynamic. Yes, we need all the things. We need all of the the serious quote unquote things in order to establish that healthy foundation. But when you're with [00:16:00] somebody, specifically that makes you feel safe because of all the other things that you have in the relationship, you can Be yourself.

You can let yourself be goofy. You can say the ridiculous joke that's going through your head. You can text them the crazy meme in the middle of the day, it's like, we get to let out a little bit of our younger self, a little bit of our playful inner child, and we feel safe showing our inner child to them.

My partner and I have sometimes had this, like, um, of when we're in that really playful state, it's like, Oh, our kids are, ~our little, ~our little selves are out and they're playing together. And like, how cool would that have been to know each other when we were so young that our younger selves could have played together?

And that's such a, it's such a different energy to be able to touch into because life again, Is going to throw a lot of shit at you. And there's a lot of [00:17:00] ups and there's a lot of downs. And so in those moments of lightness, ~can, ~can there be some playfulness? Can there be ~some, ~some intentionality around just being who you are ~without being, ~without fearing they're going to judge you or criticize you or condemn you or otherwise make you feel some sort of way about being yourself.

So we have communication, accountability, compromise, safety and trust, respect, fun, and then we get to lifting each other up. In your relationship, is there an energy of cheerleading? Or Mean Girl. Is your partner celebrating your work success, celebrating your family relationships, celebrating your friendships, or are they talking shit and telling you that you're not doing enough or telling you that you need to just get that person out of your life, even though that person is a healthy person in your life?

~There's a, there's, ~we want our [00:18:00] partner ~to, ~to amplify our life, not start to chip away at it. So are they celebrating? Are they cheering you on? Or are they being the mean, mean boy? What would you call a mean boy? A bully, I guess? I don't know. It doesn't matter. The mean girl energy. We don't want the mean girl energy.

And then finally, the eighth sign is 50 50 partnership, equal partnership. When you look at your relationship as a whole, are you sharing responsibilities?

Are you both pitching into do the groceries and the housework, or are you both pitching in to pick up the kids and take them to their afterschool activities?

Maybe dividing and conquering one person always does laundry. The other person always to cleans the bathrooms. Does it feel equal in those sorts of ways? And then also, are you holding space equally for each other? So one person is not always the one that's [00:19:00] receiving and one person is not always the one that's giving. Sometimes as givers. I know you listening to this podcast can probably relate to this.

We love to give, and sometimes we over-give and ~we give to the place of, ~we give from that place of, if I don't, then I won't be okay. I won't be safe. ~Uh, ~they won't continue to choose me and we can get into this rescuing role where we take on sort of a unhealthy approach to giving. When you were in the rescuing role, we're really stepping in to do everything, to take it all on, to bend over backwards, to make it all work. And when we do that, we're keeping other people limited.

We're keeping other people not having to step forward to help her not having to step up and be an equal partner. So you can really look at your place in the relationship as well. And just, what do you tend to do? Are you okay receiving. And okay with giving, because then you will be more comfortable. In a 50 50 [00:20:00] partnership.

So that's it.

~That is, ~those are the eight signs. There are numerous signs that we could talk about, but those are the ones that I've really distilled down as the ones that I want you to remember. When you are starting to think about going into the dating world again, when you are starting to actually be in dynamic with somebody. Coming back to this episode, reviewing those eight signs.

There's going to be fundamental. And especially if you have been through something that's been toxic or painful or narcissistic. We have to really identify what went wrong in the last relationship. What were the red flags that we should have seen? In the last relationship and that's all very, very important work.

When I work with clients, we take inventory. . We look at it from a very factual lens. Data-driven lens. If you, if you will. 'cause a lot of times our emotions can take us out of that. We can see something, [00:21:00] see a red flag, but justified away that, oh, he had a hard day at work or, oh, well, I bugged him again about cleaning, about putting away the dishwasher and that's why he freaked out and pushed me. Right.

So we just want to collect. The data, the data is no, he pushed me. We're collecting data, we're taking inventory and we're processing through that experience. And that is all very important work when we're focused on the things that didn't go right. Or the red flags in the relationship. Then as we get farther into the healing, we start to identify what healthy relationships look like. And what is possible. So that's where this episode comes in for you. It is so important to also hold. The truth of what a healthy relationship can look like. And that will help you be able to experience real love in future relationships. And why, why, why will that help you experience real love? [00:22:00] Well, let's go back to the bubble bath analogy. If you are expecting the luxurious bubble bath and you keep going on dates with men who are giving you lukewarm situations. You're going to just walk away because you know what you deserve, you know, that it's possible.

And you know that it's not asking for the moon. So we're no longer in this place of, well, is this good enough? Or maybe I'm asking for too much, we can get sucked into those holes so quick. ~It also gives you, so it gives you that bar, right? ~It gives you a bar to set for yourself of. This person might be wonderful, but if it doesn't feel like a luxurious Bubba bubble bath, I'm not doing it.

~Focusing on. Also focusing on what is possible ~focusing on these eight signs that you want in a relationship. Also helps you be able to discern. And be a little bit introspective around. Oh, do I show up that way? ~Do going back to the partnership thing, ~do I feel comfortable? Receiving because I have to feel just as comfortable receiving as I, as I am seeking a partner who can give otherwise I'm still gonna stay in that role. Or do I [00:23:00] respect my partner? Do I show up to conversations with curiosity and really care about their experience. So you can use this to sort of check yourself. Where are the places in your relationship patterns? That you feel are a little bit more. Fragile right.

That maybe you have some wounding around. Maybe you need to do some healing around. Maybe you need to just learn the skill. . Boundaries are just a skill. ~Feeling feelings are. S ~feeling feelings is a skill. And so sometimes we just need to go back to relationships. Cool. And that's that I love that idea and that we can learn all of these things. We can learn how to be with our feelings, learn how to process the trauma, learn the skills, learn the techniques of how to communicate effectively. It's just a matter of doing so. I had one client recently who she just entered into my graduate client program. This is a membership where any kind of mine who has been through. Uh, program with me can step into this ongoing membership. [00:24:00] And she's like, I feel like I'm going to graduate school. I thought that was so cool because it is just a continued learning.

We're continuing to, to peel back the layers and learn new skills. So no shame. And learning something new.

All right, so let's pull a card and see what the message is for you today. There is.

Okay. So we got shrink is the name of the card and it is a picture of a very large like chest and shoulders with a very small head. I'm like shrinking into the chest and shoulders. And shrink says shrink appears as a warning that your perspective is tightening narrowing or small. Shrink shows you your fate.

If you stay on a path of narrow-mindedness blame or vengeance, If you find yourself stuck in a situation that feels impossible. I know that shrink is here to tell you that you are limiting yourself, your fear-based thoughts or anger are squeezing out possibility. It's time to refocus. Expand, open your mind to [00:25:00] possibility and see the opportunity right in front of you. This may need to happen in the form of viewing someone you were angry with through the lens of compassion. Versus criticism. Or maybe it's seeking reconciliation over retaliation.

Shrink. It brings a sense of mental expansion, thoughtfulness, openness, and care. Even when you feel slighted, drink water, find flow, reconstitute. The part of you that can think, feel, and act your way with love and compassion.

Help that message resonates on some level with you. And because we covered so much in this episode, let's recap. First and foremost, those eight signs. Now you have a list. So that, that part, a side of your brain will feel so satisfied that you can come back and review this. Number one sign is communication. Number two sign is accountability. Number three is compromise. Number four is safety and [00:26:00] trust. Number five is respect. Number six is fun. Number seven is lifting each other up slash cheerleading. And number eight is equal partnership. Come back to the signs, use them. Let them sink into your soul. You also, from this episode now have a better understanding of why women believe relationships are hard and believe that they can fix people and why that keeps us stuck and how to not get stuck in that pattern. And you also know why focusing on what is possible in relationships is just as important as processing through everything that happened in the last relationship.

When you focus on what's possible, you bring in that energy, that expansion, you can set your bar. So you're not staying in a lukewarm water anymore. ~If you enjoyed this episode, Head on over. Um, I still love having you here. And talking about this stuff with you. ~If you enjoyed this episode, you're really going to like episode 49. It's called. Co-dependent

how to stop [00:27:00] fixing everyone and build self-esteem so you can have healthier relationships. That is a cool conversation that I have with two women named Beck LAH. And they share about their codependent journeys and how they've come to the other side. So when I talked to you about the rescuing role or the not being able to receive, or the wanting to fix and change people. If that resonates for you of like, oh, I do that. I think go back and listen to that episode because you'll really resonate with back in LAH and me. I share a lot of my codependent recovery journey as well. As always this podcast is for you and you are not alone until the next episode. Have a wonderful day.