Heather Shannon (00:01.944)

Hello my friends, we are gonna talk today about creating even more intimacy, even more intimate intimacy, greater intimacy, after loss and heartbreak. And fortunately, unfortunately, this was inspired by my life this week. So if you're listening, if you're a human, you've probably had some kind of loss, some kind of...

Heartbreak in your life, it's not easy, right? But I will say one of my favorite things about my job is getting to witness how resilient humans are. We are really naturally wired to kind of find homeostasis, find balance, recalibrate even when we don't think that we're gonna get through it.

So yeah, so if you've experienced heartbreak or loss of any kind, especially when it comes to losing loved ones or going through a divorce or a breakup that you feel like it just made it really hard to make yourself vulnerable again and love again, this week has been interesting.

Long story short, my 18-year-old cat who I've had for almost 18 years passed away on Wednesday this week. And I'm gonna insert another life lesson in here. I had been telling myself for years, I'm not gonna be okay when my cat dies because this cat, his name is CB.

He is my animal soulmate. I view him as like an angel. Even when he was alive, I viewed him as an angel that was like sent to me. I still remember the day that I adopted him from the Anti-Cruelty Society. I had taken other cats out of cages. I was kind of playing with them and I was like, we're not vibing. Is this maybe just not gonna happen today? Like maybe I'm just not meant to have a cat. And then.

Heather Shannon (02:16.77)

There was one cage with two animals and I was like, uh-oh, the plan was to get one. So I took them out and CB, the black and white one who passed away, he just curled up on my lap. And I just, still remember that moment, like, my gosh, he's like a furry bundle of joy. And he did bring so much joy to my life. And, you know, I'm sure my animal lovers out there get it. It's like, if you're having a rough day,

If you're feeling lonely, if you're sick, know, sometimes we have these amazing animals that are very empathic and like come and cuddle us and they can sense how we're feeling. And it's a lot of that attunement that I think we hope for from other people as well. And there's a lot of that unconditional.

love that we experience with animals. And so part of this is also like, we learn from that and bring some of that into our human connections? But I do think...

animals it's easier to love in like just a clean pure way. We tend to be less triggered by them, you know. So I remember when I was practicing Buddhist, we used to do these Tonglen meditations and it was a compassion meditation and kind of wishing for the relief of suffering. And so they go through several different rounds of it where you kind of inhale the suffering and then transform it and exhale the relief of the suffering, which

By the way, just a great practice anyways, if you guys wanna try that. But it would always say, start with someone easy to love, and I would always start with my cat, C.P. It was so easy to love. So, a couple things, don't tell yourself you aren't gonna be okay. Luckily, I changed my mindset on that a year or so ago. I was actually inspired by a family member who had gone through some loss as well, lost their spouse.

Heather Shannon (04:22.21)

had some major medical stuff come up and I remember thinking, okay, wow, if this person can get through that and still feel like, like feel confident in themselves and like know they're gonna get through it and like know that life goes on, then like, I gotta start telling myself a different story. So if you're telling yourself the wrong story, this is your wake up call. Whether it's like, I will never love again or.

I will never be happy in my marriage again, or I'm never gonna feel cared for in the way that I want. Let's stop, let's stop the stories. So what I have found, and I think what a lot of you guys will find who are on a personal growth path of some kind, is that you're more resilient than you realize, right? So like I had thought when my cat died, I'm like, I'm just gonna stop functioning. Like I'm just gonna like rot in bed and like.

have panic attacks all day, you know? And I think part of it is that I probably did a lot of pre-grieving, because he was declining mentally and physically for a while. But yeah, life goes on, right? And I also acquired a kitten found on the side of the road, you guys have probably seen in past videos running around like a maniac in the background, if you watch the videos. But yeah, it's a reminder that it's like,

my heart can stay open and also instead of feeling shut down and unable to function because what's happening with that story is like, I'm not gonna be okay when CB dies, is like I am putting my security, my sense of okayness in the world outside of myself. And so that's actually a big part of my message today is.

putting your sense of security, your sense of okayness inside yourself. And actually, you're not putting it anywhere. But I think it's more like realizing it is inside of you. It is your essence. So a lot of you guys know that I'm an internal family systems therapist. And one of the core tenets of internal family systems is the idea of self-energy. And self-energy is...

Heather Shannon (06:44.59)

calm, confident, playful. There's a sense of wisdom and clarity, just a sense of knowing. There's a sense of spaciousness where things are not as urgent, we're not reactive to things. And I will also say as...

That's something I've been working on is this, I love spaciousness, but I can have a lot of urgency or historically have, but I think that's actually a decision. So I think when we decide, what if I start telling myself, I do have enough time. What if I start telling myself, it's not urgent, it's not gonna be a game changer in my life. I think my mind was always saying, this is gonna be an amazing journey, boy, you have to get this, this, this done. And then it would be like, I mean, it helped a little.

Heather Shannon (07:40.908)

So anyway, so self energy and really realizing that like that core essence of confidence and clarity. And I also wanna add like trust in the universe, right? I think a lot of us go around worrying what's gonna go wrong. When is the other shoe gonna drop? Even if we've found like a beautiful love story, you know, this is something my brain does for sure.

is like, well, what's gonna go wrong? Why is it not gonna work? How is it gonna go down the crapper? How will it start becoming a bad relationship? And I think we do this because we wanna try to prevent it, right? We do this because sort of that hypervigilance or scanning of like what possibly could go wrong gives us the opportunity to prevent it. But also what's happening is we're not trusting ourselves and we're not trusting the universe. And so it puts us in this anxious.

urgent mode instead of self energy, which is spacious and trusting. And there's a sense of like, things are going to unfold how they unfold, you know, life happens, but I'm going to be able to respond to it. And if you've been through some stuff, which again, if you're human, you have,

Hopefully you're able to look back and realize, I got through that. I got through that most painful breakup ever. I got through my divorce. I got through parents splitting up. got through whatever it is you've gone through. I got through major health issues. And you're still here, right? And so the reason I'm emphasizing this, you're like, how does this tie into intimacy? When we have that kind of deep,

confidence that we are okay and we're going to be okay, it allows us to take risks. And with CB dying this week, it's a reminder. And I just want to give you guys this reminder because I think we need this reminder every so often in order to live our best lives. But life is short. Life is short. Seize the day.

Heather Shannon (10:00.852)

if you've been sitting out of dating for whatever reason, you guys are getting all, you're finding out all my issues today. Sometimes it can be, you know, so for me, it was like, I'm addressing work stuff and getting organized with my finances and working on my health issues. And, you know, there's sort of this story of that just has to be the top priority right now, right? Or I don't want to bring

my quote unquote issues into a situation or my quote unquote issues, you know, and I'm putting them in parentheses because these are perceptions that we have of like what other people are gonna tolerate or not tolerate or even like love, right? Sometimes people love our perceived imperfections. I remember an ex-boyfriend,

was like, my favorite part of your body is like your lower belly. And I was like, what?

He's like, right where there's like a little curve. I'm like, what? And then I, now I get it, but like at the time I was like, that's insane. I think a lot of people find that to be an attractive part of a woman's body. But yeah, so I think when we really realize like how, what stories am I telling myself? How am I holding myself back when it comes to either putting myself out there dating wise or...

being vulnerable in my existing relationship. Sometimes we just get into a lull in our relationship where it's like, well, this is just how it is, or this is just my partner's limitations. And then sometimes what happens is we decide, well, this is just how my partner is or how the relationship is, and then we use that as an excuse to not do our side of things. So yeah, go on the dates, make the time now.

Heather Shannon (12:01.902)

Don't wait until everything gets perfect. Don't wait until you're at the weight you wanna be at or you're making more money or I don't know, whatever, your health is perfect. They really, really are protective mechanisms that we use to keep some distance between ourselves and others and to protect ourselves from heartbreak. And the other thing I kinda wanna say is heartbreak is coming for you.

It is. Like I don't want to lie to you about it, you know? My heart was certainly broken to some degree with my cat dying. It's been broken from breakups in the past. It's been broken from people that I love not showing up for me, you know, on the level that I want to and really hurting and disappointing me. And I'm guessing you've been through that too. But I do think we need to make a conscious choice. Hang on, water break.

Heather Shannon (13:20.984)

but I do think we need to make a conscious choice to be open-hearted. And yes, this applies to pets, this applies to family members, this applies to romantic relationships, friendships. You know, like, I had a life coach tell me in the past, I think there was someone I was maybe interested in, but I was like, I don't know if I see this being like a long-term thing or this, you know, it probably would end. And she was like, so what, all relationships end. And I was like, blown.

So that's not a reason to not start one? She's like, no, like either you break up or someone dies. Like they all end. And so it's a really good reminder. And I will also add the owner of the Life Coach School, Brooke Castillo, she went through a period after her divorce where she was dating and she was kind of like, I don't want to just be like randomly having like casual sex with people or like hookups, but I also don't want to commit to.

being with someone forever. And so she talked about this idea of like a 90 day relationship where like you're committed and monogamous with someone, but there's only a 90 day commitment. So you're creating this container to kind of explore intimacy in various forms without making it be the be all end all. And you can of course re-up after three months if you want. So I remember her saying something like, I want to fall in love as many times as I can. And I was like, what?

Why would you want to do that? And because in my, first thing I thought it was like, but then you're going to, then they're all going to have to end, you know? And so I think the way we relate to things ending.

can change, can soften, can have more openness to it. My best friend said this week with my cat dying, she was like, you know, I do kind of believe that like when something supportive leaves us, like when one door closes, another one opens. And we wind up getting kind of blessings or support in some other way. And that did happen.

Heather Shannon (15:31.534)

That did happen this week. I also moved apartments. It was a very crazy week. Same building, but different apartment. yeah, between my cat passing and the move, I've had a few friends, a handful of friends help me in different ways. Take me to the veterinary office, help me move, come over and help install new shelves in my apartment that I just moved into. And so it's just a reminder that it's like,

when we allow ourselves to kind of be open-hearted and like use the supports that we have and ask for help, I know that like not everyone's gonna say yes and not everyone's gonna, I certainly don't wanna pretend that like it's just all roses and sunshine, no. And I had a couple like work situations that were frustrating. Somebody was very like not understanding about my cat passing and I was like, wow, okay, so this person is kind of a values mismatch for me.

I'm all about people, including pets, before transactional stuff and business. That's part of why I do this work. That's part of why I focus on relationships, for a living and intimacy in particular. Because I think we also need to allow each other grace and allow each other imperfection.

and move away from hustle culture, where it's all about the bottom line and producing things perfectly and at the expense sometimes of feeling our feelings and showing up for them. And I will also add that that's one of the gifts of grief. So not only do people show up, but with grief, there is a slowing down and there is a reminder of what's really important.

hint its relationships. it was like, you know what? Work can wait for a couple days. And even my move, was like, packing can wait for a couple days. And if I'm not really fully prepared for my move, guess what? I'm going to figure it out anyways. And that's, think, where that trust comes in. And that's where I think just deciding, like, I'm just not going to live in urgency anymore. Which, by the way, is one of the major reasons I see with clients.

Heather Shannon (17:54.318)

for not having much of a libido. Like when you're living in anxiety and urgency and kind of like, okay, I have to do this, have to do this. I don't know, I'm not feeling good, but I have to get this done anyways. You know, it's like, it's not creating a feeling of safety in your body. It's not creating a feeling of safety in your heart to open. So I think that's kind of what this episode is about. It's like we are creating our own.

inner safety to love, to be vulnerable, to ask someone on a date. I've also realized like, I think I've had some fear of commitment. And again, life is short, you know, instead of living in fear of like, what if I make the wrong decision and I'm like locked into something forever? First of all, you're never locked into anything. You know, as we know, half of marriage is ending divorce. Getting divorced is not a failure. It's a learning lesson.

It's a lesson learned and hopefully you make a different choice that's better for you next time. But yeah, so I just wanna encourage people to really reflect, how open-hearted are you? In what ways are you protecting yourself? And then that brings me to kind of my next point of doing some parts work, right? Because understanding our parts, I think that's why I've gotten through this so well. I've surprised myself.

with how well I've gotten through my cat passing. And I also remember surprising myself during COVID. During COVID I was like, I don't know if I'm gonna be okay. I live by myself. I'm not gonna be able to see anybody. I'm gonna lose my mind. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna meditate every day. I'm gonna walk every day and see people outdoors when I can. And it's like, I did and I was okay. And my cat died and I'm okay. Am I sad? Yes. Do I start randomly crying in the parking lot of Home Depot? Yes. Okay.

but I can feel my feelings. I can allow that. I can reach out for the support. I can be alone with my feelings and just like honor the relationship that I had with my amazing cat soulmate. And I think that's because I've done all the healing work. And by the way, I'm not done with it. I'm gonna keep going. There's always more to do. because I've been able to...

Heather Shannon (20:16.631)

face some things head on in my life emotionally because I understand that there's like a part of me that's a perfectionist and it feels like I should grieve a certain way and there's a part of me that really felt the weight of having to make the decision to euthanize my cat and there's a part of me that just hopes he's okay, know, wherever he is and just sort of the mysteries of the universe and what happens after we die. And...

It's holding all of that in the spaciousness of my self energy. So those parts don't take over unless I'm sort of allowing them to take over. Unless I'm just like, you know what, yes, you get center stage to just cry now. Or you get center stage to not have to make decisions. The day before I put him down, my brain was not working. I could not make decisions. Little ones, like, do I wanna go on a walk now? Should I eat something? Have I hydrated enough?

There was also that part that was like, okay, you know that food and hydration are important and keep you grounded. So let's keep an eye on that. But knowing my parts and knowing the parts, I think especially our exiled parts, you those are the ones that tell us we're not going to be okay or that do experience panic or feeling unworthy, feeling not good enough. I also had some of that come up. I had a part that almost felt like unworthy of my cat's love because he was this perfect little, I mean, he's not perfect.

You know what mean? But perfect for me. This perfect little angel and I felt his energy after he passed and you know, I felt actually like he had somehow fortified my spirit and my energy after he passed and just really thinking of all the gifts I had gotten from him and there was a part that came up that was like, I almost don't feel worthy or this part doesn't feel worthy. And to be able to hold space for that, like when we can hold space for the parts that don't

otherwise feel safe. That's how we build the internal safety and that's how we can be open to loving animals and humans again and loving them better and loving them in a more vulnerable way and loving them in a more intimate way. So I hope that this is just a good reminder for people.

Heather Shannon (22:40.344)

to keep your heart open and to do the work to be resilient and secure. I think internal family systems, which is one of the methods I use, is just so wonderful for that resilience and inner security and just kind of building that inner confidence so that you can handle things when there is loss and when there is heartbreak. I also would say creating community. I think that's something that's missing for a lot of people.

So for me, being part of an improv community here in St. Pete has just been such a blessing. And a lot of the people that have been showing up are people from that community. And yeah, and so I think that, you know, accepting that relationships end, trusting that when one door closes, another one opens.

taking the time to understand your parts and building that inner security and then creating community. Those would be my four recommendations to help you be open-hearted instead of guarding your heart. And I hope that that makes sense. If this resonates, let me know. Thank you everybody for listening and we will catch you next week with another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist. Bye everybody.