In today's episode, you will finally understand the storm of thoughts and feelings going on inside your teen before they come out to you.

Welcome to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ youth and the people who love them.

This is the podcast for the parent who looks fine on the outside but is carrying a quiet panic on the inside.

Here we name what's real without shame, so you can become the kind of grounded, brave, loving person your child can actually feel.

You're not alone.

You don't have to do this perfectly.

Let's get into it.

Welcome back to More Human, More Kind.

I'm Heather Hester.

Today we are talking about something most parents never see coming.

And I'm not talking about the verbal coming out.

I'm talking about the silent, internal struggle your teen may be living through long before they ever say a word to you.

If your teen has been withdrawing, has been moodier than usual, or is just not themselves, you might be wondering what's really going on today.

The answer might be more specific and more hopeful than you think.

Most people think coming out begins when a person tells someone else that they are a member of the LGBTQ community.

So tell someone about their sexual orientation and or their gender identity.

But in reality, identity development starts inside, in total silence, and often years before the person ever verbally shares it.

Unbeknownst to you or anyone, your teen, your child, your friend might be wrestling with a storm of thoughts and emotions that they just don't have words for yet.

And this can manifest externally as withdrawal, quietness, changes in behavior, loss of interest in their favorite activities, emotional flatness, that just blah feeling.

And you may think, is this teenage drama?

Is this depression?

Is this a phase?

And here's the blind spot with that.

These behaviors are often early signals of identity confusion, long, long before your teen can actually put it into words.

When this internal struggle is missed, which, to be clear, most parents do.

So this is not meant to shame at all.

But this is what is going on.

Your child feels even more alone.

They believe that no one understands them.

Trust begins to erode.

They stop trying to open up, and shame begins to become their narrative.

They are in turmoil without a language to express it, and emotionally, that's really lonely place to be.

And since most parents don't know the real signals, they assume they'll come to me when they're ready.

Or it's just hormones, or they're just being quiet right now.

But these assumptions can cause parents to step back right when the teen most needs their support.

So what is really happening in their internal world?

Well, they may be wondering who they are.

They may be questioning their sexuality or their identity or both.

They may be hiding thoughts they think are quote unquote weird.

And this is a really good reminder for us to watch our words because it is during these years that our kids really begin to analyze what is being said and how they fit into the family system.

They may be trying to test their feelings internally.

Again, the teen years hold huge opportunity for emotional intelligence to develop.

They may be battling fear of rejection.

Even in the most loving and affirming of families or progressive communities, teens still worry about rejection.

That is how deeply ingrained it is in societal messaging.

And they may be in denial and pretending nothing is changing, which is just creating more internal turmoil for them.

Inside it's overwhelming.

Outside it can just look like quiet or withdrawn.

And most parents miss this because no one taught us to recognize internal identity development.

But here's what I want you to know.

You can make it safe for your teen to express themselves even if they aren't ready to talk yet.

You don't need perfect words.

You just need calm presence and gentle understanding.

And what this will do is it will help your teen feel seen.

You will catch signs early.

You will stay connected emotionally.

Your teen will trust you as a safe person.

And over time, communication will get easier.

This can be your reality.

I cover specific behaviors and exactly how to respond and Decode the silence.

Nine subtle signs your teen is wrestling with their identity and how to respond without pushing them away.

This free guide will help you translate what you're seeing into into real support.

So look, if you feel like your teen has been pulling away and you're worried you're missing something and it's making you feel helpless, confused or anxious.

But what you really want is to show up in a way that builds trust and connection.

That's why I created Decode the Silence.

It's a guide to help you recognize what your teen is really experiencing and respond in ways that feel supportive to them, calm and connected without pushing them away.

If you're interested, go to the Show Notes, click on the first link you find or visit rebrand Ly Heather Hester L u d S enter your details on that page and I'll send you Decode the Silence right away.

So today we uncovered the silent phase of the coming out process that so many of us miss.

It's not always loud.

In fact, it rarely is.

It's not always obvious.

In fact, it's really that either.

But your teen's withdrawal, mood changes or emotional shifts could be them working through something big internally and alone.

And now you have the tools to start seeing more clearly, to respond, not react, and most of all, to show up as a steady, safe and loving parent.

If this episode helped you better understand your child or yourself, please make sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode.

And if you think someone else might need this, share it with them.

You could be the reason that they do not feel so alone.

Until next time, take a deep breath and just keep showing up.

That's what matters most.