Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I am Darlyn

Childress. I am your host, and I am a life and

parenting coach. And on today's podcast episode, this episode

is really about mindset. And The

topic is when you don't like your kid,

which makes me laugh because there have been many times

in the course of being a mom where and I don't

you know, I really don't want my kids to hear this, but there's times when

I haven't liked them. Like, I haven't Really, I always love

my children. I always, you know, care about

them and want what's best for them. But there are times where they go

through developmental stages or I'm in a hard place, and I just

don't really like them very much. I don't like the way that they're showing

up, and that is normal.

It happens to parents all the time, and

with something we hardly ever talk about. It's something that we

are sort of ashamed of. And I am on coaching

calls with moms all the time in my programs.

And, you know, they'll sort of, like, get on the call, and

they'll admit it in a quiet voice and, you know, feel

A lot of shame about it. And

I understand the shame because it feels like something

we're not supposed to do or supposed to feel towards

our kids. But the truth is

sometimes some personalities Clash and some

developmental stages that our kids go through, like when they're

in the fours and they need a lot of power or, You know, they're

pushing away from you and your relationship with them as

teenagers, and they're trying to define themselves against you.

And they show up with values that don't feel good. Or if your kid

has a lot of big emotions and they don't know how to regulate

those emotions and they dump them on you and they call you me

names, and they attack you, and they personalize their pain by

making it about you. And That's really those are

really hard things to be around as a human. And

so it's okay If there are periods of

time where you don't really like your kid that much.

The thing that is difficult though is if you stay stuck there

And if you stay in that place where you just kind of harbor

some resentment towards them and some anger and some,

frustration. And you let that seed grow,

and it turns into Dane. It can.

It can turn into disgust. And when you get around your

kid, you end up bringing all of that negative emotion

And in all of your negative thoughts and all of your negative opinions, you bring

those into the conversation with your kid or into the,

you know, connections with your child or your teen or

whoever. And then it just keeps growing. It just

you you act sort of jerky towards them. They respond back

as defensive or attack back, and you end up

in this, place in your relationship that

just feels really yucky. And it can

be easy to think that your

child needs to change their behavior or your Child needs to change

their personality or change the way that they talk to you

in order for you to, feel differently about them.

And you're waiting for your child to change. And the

relationship is still getting worse and worse. And so I

wanna offer to you a way to

change how you are thinking and feeling about your child

and some strategies to shift out of your mindset

and where you're at with your kid so that The quality of

the relationship can improve. There's

this philosophy in relationship

coaching mostly around, You know, marriage coaching that the

Gottman Institute has developed, and it's called the 4 horsemen.

And Those are like if you see these 4 things in a relationship,

that relationship isn't healthy. And so one of those is

criticism. 1 is defensiveness. 1 is stonewalling, just

like silent treatment kinda thing, and then 1 is contempt.

And those 4 things can show up in relationships

with your kids, especially as your kids age

and become teenagers and things like that. So What I'm talking

about today particularly is contempt and really this idea of

getting out of that place where you Feel

just contempt for them. And

when I talk about mindset, mindset is really,

Like, the way that you think about something. And so if you think

about your child, you know, you you think of their name,

like Sawyer or Lincoln. Like, those are my kids' names. And then I have

thoughts about those kids. Right? I have those I have thoughts about their behavior and

them and how they are, and I have thoughts about their future, and I have

thoughts about how they treat me. And I have a lot of thoughts. And

mindset is understanding that you have control

over how you think about something. I don't have any control

over Sawyer or Lincoln. I mean, I do as

their parent. I can, like you know, I can set limits. I

have boundaries, and I can connect with them. I have strategies.

But, essentially, their their

Behavior is on them. I cannot, like, physically make them do anything

or, like, change their behavior. I always think you, like, you can't

make a kid eat, Sleep, poop, or talk. And it's like, I

can't actually, you know, do anything, but I can

change the way that I think and feel. I can change my

actions towards my child. So the circumstance

is what it is, and I get to think and feel how I want about

it. The person is who they are, and I get to think and feel

about how how I want about them. And so that's

really mindset. I I think about mindset as well. Just another example

of mindset is, like, how you frame behavior.

Right? I'm not gonna get into that, but it's, like, just an example of if

I look at my child's behavior and I think, wow. You are a

jerk. You are disrespectful. You are rude. You are selfish. You're

self centered. You're a narcissist. Right? I look at the behavior. I judge

the behavior, Then I feel a certain way about my child, and

then I show up. You know? Either I emotionally check out

or I'm critical or I'm defense defensive. Whatever.

And when I you're in my programs or listening to this podcast, one

of the things I work on a lot with you is changing your mindset

about behavior because I want you to reframe behavior

and be able to see it as an expression

of someone's emotions. Feelings drive behavior. It's Something

I say all the time. And so the the the mindset

that we're working towards is understanding behavior from

the framework of this is this person's you know,

whatever's going on inside of them showing up on the outside. So it's

like behavior is a clue of what's happening on the inside.

Something we can see on the outside. And that idea is hopefully get

us curious, get us compassionate, get us into

a a place where we're narrating and naming and we're connecting and we're looking

at our child. We're like, what is going on here? And

assuming they must be in pain, They must be insecure.

They must be struggling in some way in order to act this way.

Now That is such a powerful mindset. That is such

a powerful framework to parent your children from. It's like

the root of compassion. The root of gentle parenting is

that mindset, that framework. Understanding behavior

is an expression of emotion. Understanding that feelings

drive behavior. Now if

you are stuck in a space where you're like, I don't like

my kid. They're such a jerk. They're such a an asshole.

It's like when you're stuck in that spot, I'm telling

you, you're not gonna be able to find compassion. Right?

If you're feeling like the child Or thinking that the

child's behavior is personal and they're attacking you and, like

okay. Yes. It is personal if someone calls you a bitch. But I

would love for you to be able to look at that behavior and think, wow.

Someone who's calling someone a bitch must be feeling very overwhelmed.

It's like not not taking what they're saying

and, like, letting it penetrate you. It's more like let it wash over you

as information. So how do you do

that? How do you get there when you are feeling

contempt towards your child, when you don't like them, When you're

taking everything that they say personal and you're just it's not even

personal. Sometimes you're just like, god. You're just a jerk.

So one of the Tools that I

love, that I teach all the time, and it's one of my favorites that I

use. It's called the delight list. And I

taught it, I think, episode 22

possibly, called the 3 things kids want from you. And

in that episode, I really teach the delightless. But

delightless, what it is, it's this idea that you sit

down and you train your brain to think

of good things about your kid. Looking

at, What do you like about them? What are they good at?

You know, in what ways do they thrive? What are your favorite things about them?

And it's an exercise to help you shift

out of that negative mindset. And

I think it's really, really powerful, really useful. But what I have

found Over the years of teaching the delight list is

that there are times when I see a parent and

they cannot get there. Like, they cannot get to anything delightful.

Like, they're just mad. So I have another tool, another

strategy, a journal prompt that I like. And sometimes,

I actually you guys, I call this the I hate you letter

because I I really wanna tap into sometimes the

depth of that contempt.

Some so what this is is like a letter.

The prompt is a letter that you write to your child that you'll never

give to them. You'll never show it. You don't have to show it to anybody.

And it really is a way for you to dump Some of

that negativity out on paper and get it out of

you. And when you do this, you can be as

Honest and as mean and as, like, you

know, spiteful as you are. Like, where

be honest. Be truthful. Don't edit. And

what I do when I do 1 is I write, like,

dear so and so. I don't even wanna say their

name on the podcast, but, like, dear kid of mine. Or sometimes I do this

for my husband, to be honest. Like, dear Kevin. And

I'll write, like, I hate you because I know some of you

are like, we don't use the word hate. Like, I get it.

You don't have to use the word hate, but it can

open up some floodgates of, like, honesty. So

some of my clients, they're like, I don't wanna use the word hate. I'm like,

I get it. That's fine. So we call it the I'm mad at

you letter. Okay? That might feel a little bit more

comfortable. So it's like, you know, dear Sawyer, I'm

so mad at you because. And then I just dump

out all the things that they've said or done or, like, I

don't think you're a very nice person because or, Like, it is

embarrassing to say that I've done this before because it's

like you know? It doesn't feel nice. But

The purpose of it isn't just to, like, live in

that bad energy. It's really to take a

look at it and to Move to get it out.

Now I have taught this many times,

and I have noticed that for most of my

clients, Their brain starts to argue with them because the

truth is you're not you don't actually hate your child. You're actually not that

Mad at them like you are, but you aren't. Right? There's both. You have both

feelings inside of you at the same time. You have

conflicting thoughts. And that is

the the purpose of this exercise is to help you

uncover some of the other thoughts you have about your child

or your teen. And allow you to

get to that place where you Have some

softening. So sometimes I'm like, okay,

mama or dad. A lot of dads like this exercise.

Put out. Put a piece of paper on one side and put a paper on

the other side. And on one side, you're writing the I'm mad at you letter.

And then on the other side, you're writing the, like, counter letter

or, like, the delight list. And it's like, I am so

mad at you because sometimes you You know, when you get

mad, you make it personal and you name call me. And then you

might find while you're writing that, you're like, but I

understand that you actually love me. And so then

you're add to your delight list. Like, Sawyer loves me.

Right? So you are allowing your

brain to sift through

all those negative thoughts and all of

the more neutral thoughts and then even some of the positive

thoughts. So this

Exercise can be really valuable for you to

move out of a negative mindset, to get

out of some of the feelings that you have because we don't want you

to bring disdain or contempt

or anything like that to your relationship with your

child. The goal of parenting

in the calm mama process, in the calm mama philosophy

Is connection? Is compassion at

the core? Because Our

goal is to raise emotionally healthy kids.

Right? And that means we want our kids to have

emotional literacy. What's emotional literacy?

It's the awareness of what I'm feeling,

how to talk about those feelings, and what to do with them. In order for

your kids to have emotional literacy, to be

emotionally healthy, they have to be able

to Understand their internal life. They have to

understand what the heck is driving them. And if

we focus only on behavior and we're stuck on the outside,

We're not actually helping our kids figure out what's going on on the inside.

And our job is to emotionally coach our kids,

which means bringing an awareness, connecting

their outside behavior with what could be happening inside,

Giving those that inside world a voice.

Giving it words. Giving it language. Naming

That complicated feeling that might be showing up

as calling your mom a a name

Or blaming her all the time or dumping all the junk that you have on

the inside, dumping it on your mom. We wanna be able to say,

Hey. You're doing the thing where you're dumping some of your big feelings on

me. I wonder if you're feeling uncomfortable

inside. What's going on? Let's talk about

it. I'm here. I'm open. I'm willing to listen.

I'm willing to guide you. I'm willing to help you.

Now that willingness

be requires compassion. And

the journey to compassion is we start out feeling

critical and judgmental of our kid, looking at their

behavior, Judging their behavior, taking their behavior personally, that's

a normal spot to start. I'm telling you. That's where we all start because

we're humans. And we wanna move from that judgment

into neutral. Like, This kid is obviously upset.

Right? Instead of judging is, like, they shouldn't be upset, and the way they're acting

is disrespectful, and this is wrong, and they're such a jerk, and I can't stand

them, and they're gonna grow up to be a masochist and whatever. Right?

Instead of being in that critical space, moving

to neutral like, Wow. Those kids got some stuff going on.

And then we moved to curious. I wonder what's going on. And

then compassion is connecting The act the behavior

to the feelings and coaching them. Now all of

that, like I said, is not possible when you're in that judgment, And when you're

in that contempt space, when you're feeling

disconnected, like, you wanna emotionally check out, You're trying to be neutral,

but, really, it's stonewalling. It's not actual

neutrality. You're angry underneath that that neutral.

You're disappointed. You're frustrated. You're hurt.

And I guess I just wanna say, like, you know what? Some

kids really struggle. Some kids have a

lot of complications with their

own emotional regulation, particularly if they have

ADHD or sensory processing or any spectrum

like be you know, autistic behavior. It can be really

challenging to raise kids who are

neurodivergent or who have experienced Trauma

or who have gone through something really painful in their lives.

And they might not have the tools to

express that emotion in ways that

are respectful or work or make you feel good.

Right? And so I I do

wanna narrate for you, like, give you compassion

that, yeah, some kids are harder to raise than others, and that's

hard. But I do not want you to stay

stuck In your own

mindset of, like, this kid sucks. This sucks. I can't stand

it. I hate being a mom. I really don't like my kid. It's

never gonna change. They're total jerks. They're I'm their punching

bag. Like, Being in that

head space, you can be there, and I want you to be there. I want

you to write the I'm mad at you letter, and I want you to dump

all of that out. I want you to join My programs and tell

me what's happening. I want you to cry. I want you to release all of

this pain, and I want you to

actually release all this pain because your kid,

they're not just an asshole. Your kid

isn't, like, pathologically just a wired

jerk. No one is that way. Right? Unless they're, like, a sociopath,

but that's not the case here. And so your

child, your teen, your young kid, they are

a human struggling with their internal

world. They have negative thoughts. They have, you know, big

feelings. Their nervous system Is on fire. They

don't have the tools to self regulate. They don't know

how to handle it. They need your help.

And when you are mad, you're not gonna be able to help

them. And so your kid, they don't

They don't really need your judgment or your resentment.

Right? That's not gonna help anybody. So how do you

release that? You can release it by journaling,

by actually just journaling. I've also done this, to

be honest, with, like, a voice memo, which is kinda dangerous because you really do

have to delete it. But because you don't I don't want anybody to ever hear

that. But I've, like, gone off on a voice memo before just

like especially driving, like, you know, after a bad reaction interaction with

my kid, you know, getting in the car and just be like,

like, to my phone. And that helps as well.

So it's not, like, necessarily journaling. It's just, you know, sharing it. You can

also See if you have a friend who's willing to

listen, and you can be like, I'm gonna say some things that are,

you know, in my heart, like, right now, but please don't judge me.

I am trying to work through this. I wanna get rid of these feelings. I

wanna, like, move through them. I wanna process this negative emotion so that I can

get Compassion. Would you be willing to listen to me?

I want you all to know, especially if you're in my programs,

Rams. Like, if you're in the clump call mama club or you're taking the emotionally

healthy kids class, I am never judging you.

When you come and you're in pain and you're in sadness and you're in

resentment and you share your truth with

me, There is no part of my body or bones

that ever feels like, what is wrong with this mom? She's such a

bitch. Like, I don't I it can't even cross my mind. All I feel

is your pain. All I wanna do is be

like a journal piece of paper for you. Right? Just letting

you allow those negative thoughts. Because

here's the truth. Here's the cool thing about processing emotion

Is your core

self, who you are inside,

is a loving and kind person, is a mom who

cares deeply and deeply loves your children,

and your feelings About them and your thoughts

about them that are sort of rising to the surface at that moment

are really rooted in love and fear.

It's they're rooted in this desire and this hope

that your child will grow and become who they're supposed to become

and have a positive, you know, life and and

feel good about themselves. Like, I know that's what you want.

So I'm always holding that deeper vision for you

in these moments when you're sharing some of this pain that's, kind

of at the top. And now what's cool is as you process it,

whether alone in your journal, with a friend,

on a voice memo, with me in the

group or in a private session, whatever.

What is happening is that you're releasing some of that tension.

You're discharging some of that negative emotion,

and you're allowing the un the deeper

feelings of positive and hope and And

connection and love and all those things that are under there, you're

creating space, like, almost like a pressure valve releasing Like,

a Instant Pot. Like, you're releasing all that steam, and

then you're opening up the lid. And then underneath that is, like, the

best chicken noodle soup of all time. Right? It's like who you really are.

I kinda like this Instant Pot thing because it's like, you know, all that steam

is bubbling and bubbling and bubbling. The steam is not the food. Right? The steam

is not what you're gonna eat. The steam is just that pressure, and it

has to be released. And so, You know? Not to

go too far with the Instant Pot thing, but, like, say you push the natural

if you don't have an Instant Pot, I'm sorry. But if you have 1, you

push that button and then it, like the Steam just goes

crazy fast. It releases so quickly. Or that's called

manual release, or you can do natural release where you just let it kinda dissipate

over time. I think of the I'm mad at you letter as,

like, manual release. Like, push that button, allow that steam

out, Take the lid off, and then look what's underneath.

So much good yummy stuff.

Yeah. Okay. I love this Instant Pot thing. I'm gonna keep thinking about it.

But for you this week, I want you to know

that if you've been having or if you've ever had the thought, like, I hate

my kid or I really don't like my kid.

I want you to know it's normal. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a

human being having a human experience, And

you can release some of those negative thoughts

and see what else is under there. Get to that delight

list. Get to some neutrality. Release

release that pressure And trust trust

yourself, mama. Trust that underneath all of that

pain It's something really beautiful, and it's

love. That's what's under there. I know it's there.

I know you love your kids. So we wanna get let

that let that stuff let that pain that's

getting in the way of your love. Let that go.

Okay. Jeez. It's a lot.

But it's parenting, man. It's not easy. It's just

not. I wish I could just, like, magically make it easy, but then that would

mean raising a robot, which we're not doing. So this week,

your work is, noticing just being aware. If you

have negative thoughts about your kid, inviting yourself

to process those, journal those out, and then see what

delight is underneath there and let that come through too.

And, always, if you want support, I'm always gonna encourage you

to sign up for the emotionally healthy kids course. Pretty soon, we'll have the emotionally

healthy teens course. That one starts in April. But the

next class for emotionally healthy kids starts in March.

And you can get on the wait list. That's at

callmama coaching.com. The class is $500.

It includes a 6 week course plus 4 months of membership

in the Call Mama Club, which the best benefit of the club is

that you can have 15 minute private sessions with me. So that's pretty

cool. And that's all included in that $500. And

then if you love it, you can stay in the club for another $500 for

the whole year. And so that class, Like I said,

it's 6 weeks. It's a small group. I teach the course live. I teach the

whole comm mama process. You have chance to ask Ask

questions or you can be anonymous. It's okay either way. And you just

learn the process. You get it all at one time, really dig Dig

into this, you know, this parenting philosophy, and then get support from

me forever if you want. So, yeah, you can sign up.

You join the wait list, com mama coaching.com. And

let let me just let you know that I know that you love your

kids deeply, and you want the best for them and that you are

listening to this podcast and growing. And I'm just really proud of

you, and I want you to know that Everything that you hope for is

possible. Alright. I hope you have a great week,

and I will talk to you next time.