andrea (00:00)

We are gonna tell you exactly what to do and what not to do when communicating with your guardian at Lightem on this mini episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce. Let's go.

Morgan Stogsdill (00:49)

We're thrilled to have Dan Bloom on our podcast today. He's a divorce attorney from Atlanta. He also has practiced a lot of Guardian Ed Lightham work in Atlanta where he's protecting kids and also working directly with the courts. He's seen it all.

andrea (01:04)

So we wanna know what helps you, what hurts you, and what will totally blow up your case. So with that, Dan, can you start giving us some ideas of things that will really help people and what they should be communicating to their GALs?

Dan Bloom (01:22)

most importantly, focus on your kids, right? If a guardian is asking you about your kids, don't talk about your kids in the context of how awful you think the other parent is. Talk about your kids. Talk about what Sally is good at, what she struggles with. Is she a good sleeper? Do not say, you know, she's a bad sleeper and her dad is a horrible sleeper, so I know she gets that from him. Focus on your kids without discussing the other parent.

andrea (01:49)

And why is that important?

Dan Bloom (01:51)

Well, because if you are parenting your kids based on how you feel about their other parent, you're not parenting purely and it impacts how the guardian views your ability to co-parent in the future, right? Because what matters is your kid. What doesn't matter is what you think about their co-parent.

andrea (02:13)

But what if Sally's not sleeping because the co-parent really sucks? And I'm just saying, I'm just being devil's advocate here. Because people think that.

Dan Bloom (02:19)

Well that Sally probably is

Sally's sleep issues probably aren't because the other co-parent sucks. But if it is, the guardian will figure that out without you talking shit about Sally's other parent.

Morgan Stogsdill (02:34)

I also think it's better, Dan, tell me if this is this is true or not. Once you get to know the guardian a little bit more and they get to know you and you're not coming out of the gate attacking the other person and you get credibility with the guardian, you can say those things. Just don't come out the gate saying it.

Dan Bloom (02:40)

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

That

is exactly right. Once I don't say it to me before I've ever met the other parent. Right? but then later on, once we have a relationship, I can say, Look, I hear what you are telling me. Wink wink. And that goes much further.

Morgan Stogsdill (03:05)

Right. What about this one, Dan?

andrea (03:05)

Okay, what else do we need to know?

Morgan Stogsdill (03:07)

this can make you dead in the water with the G A L and they talk about my kid, my children.

Dan Bloom (03:12)

I I

I pound into a client's head hour, our wee, we we right? Yes. and and I understand the need to say it because I see my kids sometimes and I'm you know, we're happily married. if a parent says it and then corrects it in front of me, I hear that also because I know they're conscious of it.

andrea (03:31)

Why is that

so important though? Why doesn't it matter? Because I think that from a divorcing individual's perspective, they don't they hear what you're saying right now, but they think, okay, it's just a slip of a tongue. Why does it matter if I say my kid versus our kid?

Dan Bloom (03:46)

So so if it

is a slip of the tongue, then correct yourself and let it be a slip of the tongue or at the beginning of a conversation say, look, I know there are kids, I'm in the habit of saying my or you know, so I just want to let you know that if ever I say that, I just want there to be a recognition from the parent that they're not just that parent's kids.

Morgan Stogsdill (04:07)

And to answer why does it matter? It matters because this person who's tasked with figuring out the best interests of your children needs to make sure that one parent can communicate with the other parent. Otherwise you're gonna place these children in a really tough situation when all the divorced lawyers and the judge is off the case.

andrea (04:25)

So what we're saying is it's making you look like the asshole. If you are saying my, my, my, and it's also gonna negate half the things that might actually be wrong with the other

Dan Bloom (04:36)

Mm-hmm. It's good.

andrea (04:37)

co-parent because you look like a big part of the problem too. I wanna know one other really big thing, Dan, that everybody needs to know.

Dan Bloom (04:45)

do not be the parent who argues over petty shit. I have parents who will call me and their attorney because the other parent didn't return a a a jacket. And so they're gonna spend three, four, or five hundred dollars on a guardian and an attorney when all they have to do is run to Target buy a twenty dollar jacket, send a nice message to the other parent on our family wizard or whatever, and say,

Hey, if you still have that jacket and you could send it over next time, that would be great. Right? So you're not accusing somebody of doing something, you're not blowing it up, you're solving the problem, but you're also creating a paper trail, right, of what did or didn't happen. But just don't be the petty parent.

andrea (05:14)

Jeez.

I mean, I mostly agree, but I think it depends on how nice that jacket is. Like if you lost to some kind of like designer jacket, we're gonna have a problem.

Dan Bloom (05:34)

I I I

agree, but you're not but that to the point of winning the war and not the battle. Do you care about winning the battle over, you know, and look, I like nice shit, right? first of all don't buy your kid a fucking three hundred dollar jacket, right? But yeah, but right? But but don't try to don't win that battle just to look like the asshole parent. Ultimately.

andrea (05:40)

Totally.

Yeah, dumb.

Morgan Stogsdill (05:49)

Amen.

And what I would

say too in that, because there may be listeners out there and being like, hey, Brenda, Brenda and Chad, Brendan never returns any clothes. This isn't just a jacket. Now I'm really pissed. so put it all together for the the Guardian. Put it all together and put a timeline to show them that this is a constant issue, not looking like a complete psychopath on our family wizard.

Dan Bloom (06:17)

be the parent who makes your kid not stressed out about it. Right? Because there are parents who involve their kids with and because like, Do I have my jacket? Do I have my hockey stick? Do I have my cleats? Right? Be the parent who doesn't make your kid stressed out about it and says, Honey, don't worry about it. I got it. We forg parents forget shit all the time. It is okay. I got it. Then behind the scenes, so your kid doesn't know about it, try to figure out how to deal with the other parent. But make sure your kid isn't stressed out.

andrea (06:44)

When you are talking to your GAO, you can also say, Hey, I know that I don't have all the answers here. I really just want what is best. And what would and I always do this. If you were me, what would you do in this situation? Is there something that I can do differently? You have to come off humble. If you come off.

Like you are God's gift to parenting. Nobody is gonna like you. And you are going to hurt yourself more than you're gonna help your kids. And in the end, this is about the kids. It ain't about you, Sally. Well, no, Sally was the kid. It is about Sally, but it ain't about you, Brenda.

Dan Bloom (07:22)

And there's there's

no perfect parent. And anybody who tries to present themselves as a perfect parent is terrible. Because there's no such thing.

Morgan Stogsdill (07:29)

We all know those people that try it, whether it's a divorce situation or not, you just you always feel bad about yourself. You're like, my gosh, Brenda is killing it over there. I'm like struggling.

Dan Bloom (07:31)

Right.

I I I I

I tell just to make parents feel more comfortable sometimes, I tell them, you know, well, here are the ten things I fucked up this morning before I even got to the office, So don't worry about it, we're gonna fuck up. It's okay. Let's just figure out how to make our kids okay.

andrea (07:53)

And I think that's so hard because like you know, Dan, when there's already a G A L assigned to someone's case, they already feel like they've been shackled. They already feel like they're in trouble over something, right? And so then they're gonna think, my God, am I gonna keep getting in trouble over all these other things? And then when that part of your brain is lit up, then you start making more mistakes because you're in that panicked place.

Dan Bloom (08:16)

But I also tell parents at the beginning, give yourself some grace. Parenting is hard enough to begin with. It's brutal, right? But if you give yourself some grace, and know that all parents make mistakes, be honest about your mistakes, own your mistakes. And mistakes is even too strong of a word because the c when you have kids, every day you go to sleep going, I fucked that up, I fucked that up, I did that wrong, I said that wrong.

You know, even I do it now with my kids are almost twenty, just recognize that and own that and to your point say, I'm stuck with what to do here. Can we talk this through?

andrea (08:52)

what is the best way for an individual to communicate with their GAL?

Dan Bloom (08:58)

I prefer in-person meetings, but what I also tell them is I'd rather have more communication than less, because what you may think is an unimportant fact, I may think is an important fact, or vice versa. And I don't want to get to the end of the case and start providing my thoughts or recommendations and for you to say, but if I'd only told him that or if he only knew that. So

send me an email and say, here's what I want to talk about, so I can like process it before we get on the phone or on a Zoom and make good use of our time. I access people's Our Family Wizards so I can review their communications, which can be very helpful.

andrea (09:31)

And friends, let's talk about our family wizard just for a minute here. You know, we hear you hear us talk about it all the time. It's a really important tool to use if you are in this spot where you need some guardrails on the conversation. And I got news for you. It ain't just gonna be for the difficult other side of this. It could be for you too. Because when we're heated, we start to make mistakes with how we communicate. So our family wizard is not.

A punishment. It's a tool. It's a tool that is here to help you. Go learn more about it. There's that direct link in our show notes. And we are the only people who can offer you 20% off your first year. So yeah, I know. So go to that link. You will save 20% off your essentials package. Go get more information.

Dan Bloom (10:15)

Ooh.

andrea (10:24)

learn about it. It's something that can really make this a whole lot easier as you're navigating a situation that is so far from easy.

Dan Bloom (10:35)

Well, and and texting is the worst thing that ever happened to co parenting relationships because it's so easy to shoot something off quickly. if you can get away from that, you're gonna be way better off.

andrea (10:45)

In wrapping a conversation about, you know, people working with a GAL in the most effective way possible, what are some things that you absolutely want someone to do?

Dan Bloom (10:58)

I do not appreciate parents who minimize the other parents role, and don't understand that

kids feel everything and that every parent plays a role. understanding that there is always a parent who takes care of more shit than the other parent.

andrea (11:15)

from the perspective of somebody who's gone through this. Yeah, you might be the more on paper fit parent to the child, they are still going to feel a magnetic pull towards both of their biological parents. And we really don't know how much.

Dan Bloom (11:17)

Mm-hmm.

Right. Mm-hmm.

andrea (11:39)

the impact of mom or dad has in that kid's life. We think we might know, but we are not inside of that kid's brain.

you cannot have this black and white thinking, like this person is all bad, and I am all good. I mean, for the most part, they are all bad. But there's gotta that, but that tiny little part of them that doesn't suck so hard, your kids are really attached to that.

Dan Bloom (11:56)

Right.

when parents come in talking about percentages of parenting time, I hate it. Because what that indicates to me is that you can actually quantify who does what as a parent. And it may be that the parent who does seventy-five percent of the shit.

andrea (12:11)

Mm.

Dan Bloom (12:29)

on paper or who has a certain percentage of time, that may have nothing to do with the parent who provides the emotional support, who may be the safe parent, who a two-minute phone call at the end of the day provides that kid some stability, right? So I understand that somebody is always going to do more than the other parent. We always have to know what the schedule is, but that doesn't speak to what feeds a child.

when parents say, I'm not going to settle for anything less than forty percent of the parenting time, you know, I may rephrase it to them and say, I'm assuming what you want is to be equally influential on your child's life. And you think the way to get there is to have at least forty percent of the parenting time. because I want to see what they're really talking about, and then I can talk about what the research says about.

parenting time

andrea (13:17)

And the last thing that I want to leave you guys with, and this is something that you're gonna see us talking about a lot more on our social media channels, is the quality, not quantity. You can still have some really meaningful time with your kids, even if it's not every single day, because that is such a big shift that we go through, especially as I mean.

Dan Bloom (13:39)

Yes.

andrea (13:40)

As a mom, I know it's really hard when when you and I talk about this all the time. When you have a baby and you bring the baby home from a hospital, you never think one day I'm gonna be signing a legal document that says when I'm gonna see this baby, when I'm gonna not see this baby, and who else is gonna help me make decisions about this baby. It is very unnatural. It feels innately wrong. And you have to figure out how you're gonna do this.

And the more time that you spend in this place of this isn't fair, this sucks, I hate this, you are wasting time that you can be making memories with the kids. So I urge you to find a way that you can get past all of this shit and just put the focus back on the babies. Do things with them in the time that you have. And like I said, we're gonna keep having conversations about this.

I'm gonna give you some more action items of things that you can do. Make sure that you are following us on social media to get that information. And if you need more help, there is now a free guide on our website that I want you to go look at. There's a direct link in our show notes. Don't forget we also have premium guides. If you need help even talking to your children about divorce, we have a premium guide on our website that walks you through.

what you should say, there is help out there, whether it's listening to more episodes like this or getting a guide, you guys, you have the ability to make smarter decisions. So please go make them. Remember, divorce is a marathon, it is not a sprint.

You will get through this. I know that if you're listening to this episode today, you might feel like, fuck this. I don't want to do this anymore. I get you. I hear you. I was there. And now I'm not there. Time will move. You will be in a much better place. And I promise you, your kids will be okay. You have got this, and we have got you.