Hi, I'm Nina Endrst

I'm Anna Toonk. Welcome to how to be human, a podcast that explores the common and often confusing themes of humaneness

on this episode and I discuss lifestyle and habits.

Take a seat clear mind and let's chat

Good morning.

Good morning. It's funny I remember something I wanted to tell you before. We started recording as soon as you pressed it, but I'm just gonna say it anyway because the NASA is a friend of the pod. Vanessa is an astrologer and I think she reads the Akashic records and so sorts of things but sent me a really nice audio note this morning. She was like I haven't listened to the app yet. But she's like just wanted to say how like Celeste still yield time Thailand, the identity episode releases with the Aries full moon and just now there's like real issues like it's a big theme right now and because of that full moon and Chiron and things that people had been thinking about, like sort of pre pandemia are really coming up now and stuff and I was like, you know, it's it's, it's nice just to you know, to be in alignment with the universe, you know.

I've been feeling it. I think we do that all the time. Whether it's astrology or not, but I've been talking a lot about even I'm not an astrologer by any stretch, but I do know a little bit about the moon and I know a lot a bit about Aries and and the Chiron stuff and I'm just like, yeah, that that all tracks.

Yeah, my natal Chiron is in Taurus, which is my second house in Aries is my first house. And Chiron has been transiting my first and second house and you know, or maybe my first and 12 I haven't liked it. I'm good with examining wounds. And the good news is, is I'm getting to the end of that, which isn't, which is nice. But um, I always say about astrology I know enough to be dangerous.

I think you're I think that's true in many areas for you.

I think that I'm just like, I know enough to know. That's where I think being ethical saves me because there's been tons of things that people have tried to book me for astrology. And I'm like, No, I will just fuck someone up. Like there's no, because people I think, you know, you and I know from reading you people really listen, if you're telling Oh, you know, like, like, not to fear monger for anyone who's learning Tarot or maybe read to your friends or whatever. But if you like if you tell yourself like, oh people, no, I'm just playing around or like, they don't really care. No, that is incorrect people. Or if you were talking about people's intuitive stuff, or their astrology saw it anytime you're giving someone I think kind of intuitive guidance. I assure you, no matter how cool they play it, they are listening to every single word and hanging

on the words. Yeah. Yeah.

And you have no idea what can really like, you know, lodge with someone like that was really humbling for me when I first started reading, and people would like, quote me back to me, like six months later, and I was like, Oh, shit, I need to pay attention to what the fuck I'm saying?

Yeah, I used to talk really fast. And reading and teaching, but mostly reading has completely changed the way I communicate. Because I had to really slow it down and be super intentional about the words and I want to do that in life anyway. But just it trained me really to be like, What I mean is this, so I'm not just going to, you know, rush the words out of my mouth to get the word out. It's, I have to understand that what I'm saying is going to land with someone at someone and not to be, you know, constricted in any way and blocked myself from just freely communicating. But it's, it's very important to slow it down.

Yeah, I think it's been a good exercise. Like, I mean, this isn't the mindful episode. But I do think most of us, you know, like, aren't really thinking about what we're saying, you know, like, it wasn't a bad it was not a bad lesson or exercise for me to become more mindful about that. And realize, like, you can communicate in a more effective and mindful and kind manner. That doesn't mean self censoring your, you know, like self censorship, right? And you know, and I think for me, until I got into reading those things, were a little bit calmer convolute you know, I was like, no, like, because I don't use that word. I'm not being me. And it's like, no, like, you can change a word and still be yourself. That's fine.

Point you Also it will be taken. So we're talking today about something else. But yeah, but do you have any minds roll? Yeah, very much. Yeah. Well,

it's funny. So we're talking about lifestyle, and habits. And I forget, I forget how we fancily set it maybe in like creating new format. Even for call today, dating, I think it was called evading which is funny, because when I was thinking about lifestyle, somewhere I went was lifestyle brands, you know, but it's funny, I think, reading Tarot and going. I hadn't really thought about how much work and lifestyle have been intertwined for me, because I've done a lot of work that does affect your lifestyle that you can't really separate them out or it's more difficult. But so lifestyle is kind of a very sexy definition from Oxford languages, the way in which a person or group lives, period. Barrett, denoting advertising or products designed to appeal to a consumer by association with a desirable lifestyle, the latest lifestyle trends in the retail industry's habits. Zan is from Oxford languages, plural, our habit, plural noun habits a settled or regular tendency, or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. Then this is obviously the one we're using to a long loose garment worn by a member of a religious order.

And that's what we're here to talk about today.

I am committed both to a calf 10 and habit lifestyle.

And we need to explore what that really meat truly means to both of us today. I hope you're ready. Buckle up, guys.

You actually don't really wear long, loose karma?

Absolutely not. Because I would die. And also I have really cute ones in my closet. And I'm like, Oh, I took one out the other day. And I was like, This is amazing. And then I walked down the stairs and I was like, might might trip and fall. But also you have a kid like you're not running around and in. I'm not I shouldn't say you aren't I don't know what your

I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress, or I know I don't wear it. Yeah, or like a cabinet or anything like that. And once the temperatures above like 75 degrees. That's all I existed until I discovered a linen pull on linen pants. And that became my summer sweats. And I was like, Oh, this is great

love. That's great. I despise them fully. I'm a tomboy forever. I don't think that's an offensive term. Is it? I actually?

I don't think so. I don't know that it's used as much anymore. But I well, I don't think it's offensive.

I just I prefer things to be not like super feminine at all.

i For me, it's not even a femininity thing. It's one a hot thing of just like I just get so hot in the summer. And who doesn't want to wear more things that feel like be Yamas. I like to go out and a shapeless. No, I

It's wonderful. But I also think that it just Yeah, I guess maybe it for me, it just feels like girly. And I'm like, Yeah,

I'm so moody about all of it in general. You know, I go through phases, and I get very, I feel like I'm very feminine kind of in this in the summer. And then once it gets cold, I'm like, nope, bye. Bye. I'll see you and you know, once it's warm again, and dress a little bit more androgynous and all of that, but not over talking. Oh,

I have lots of thoughts on habits.

Yeah, hit hit me there. Well, I was trying to say hit us hit me at the same time. And it was

I've actually been thinking a lot about not as I'm not like really a science, you know, kind of brain but I believe it's and I'm very interested in why we do the things we do from a scientific perspective. So one of the things that I have up is the science, science of habit. And a lot of this so I don't think this will surprise anybody. But what they talk about one of the things they talk about is like resolutions, for example, right? You're going to you you're inspired by peer pressure and this date that doesn't really mean anything to start a new habit, right. I think that's how most people try to bring new habits into their lives, but it's kind of setting ourselves up for failure and I don't don't mean that because we can't do it. But because it's just, there's a loop that I don't think we're really aware of. Right? So there's these four parts of the loop, right? There's Q number one, which is when you're bored, whether you're working or studying. And this is like everyday stuff, right? So you do then number two is craving. So you want a little break from the boredom or the work or the whatever. Then the response, which there example is Instagram is literally an Instagram logo. But Ain't that the truth? Okay, so my response is, I'm gonna start scrolling, I'm, and that is the reward. Number four, is this pleasurable distraction and relief from the boredom. And so we literally loop in that all fucking day long. And we're rewarded where our brain is, is designed to seek out pleasure, right? So I thought that was interesting. And I don't use that word often. But it's the truth. So if we are, this is all happening subconsciously, well, most of it, right? So it's, we can, it can perpetuate these like not so good behaviors, but that's because we feel like we're getting the dopamine hit. And so it's really hard to just be like, Okay, on January 1, I'm going to or even just like today, I'm going to exercise, right? That's well intentioned, maybe, but I think we're missing a huge part of how we're designed, right, and how we have to be mindful that like, to create new habits, we really have to create these new pathways in our brain.

Big time, and if you if your brain is dopamine deficient for any reason, which can be ADHD, I know some learning disabilities come with that, I know that if you deal with chronic depression, you know, things like that, you your brain can be a little short on the dopamine. And that is, like what Nina is talking about is exactly something to be aware of that you can fall into these traps of things that give you hit to dopamine. And you can become hyper fixated on it. Because exactly, you're, you're caught in that loop. That's why a lot of people with like ATD, ADHD, talk about hyper fixation and things like their hyper fixation meal, and things like that, because the executive functioning is somewhat compromised. So like, the idea of making yourself lunch feels overwhelming. However, when you're like, every day, I have a turkey sandwich that isn't, you know, overwhelming, that actually gives you dopamine, you know, like, meeting that, you know, urge for yourself and, and creating that habit. And kind of rewarding your hyper fixation, in a way, something that for me, because my tendency with habits is definitely to fall into that trap of being like, I'm gonna become a whole new person tomorrow. I'm gonna, you know, as I had just started asking myself, why I wasn't that person I was trying to magically transform into, you know, and you often reassess my goal, or desire for for whatever I was trying to create, and cut it in, to cut it down to like, 10% of what the initial goal was, where I remember when I was first getting into meditation, and I was like, so impressed by the people who could sit in meditation for like, an hour or whatever. And I was just like, who just seems, you know, real tough. And I remember someone explained to me, like, meditating once a day for five minutes is far better for you, then if you meditate once in a blue moon for an hour, and I was like, Hmm, interesting. Because I think so often, I would feel shame or guilt or whatever, that I wasn't doing this stuff, that I would then try to like, binge compensate, you know, and be like, Oh, I feel bad. I haven't been meditating. I know I should be meditating. Meditating is good for me all that should, should, should, should, should should. And then would do it and of course, like, not enjoy it or whatever. And meditation was a big thing for me, because about 10 years ago now that I was like, oh, but it was interesting for me to explore and sit in the discomfort of me making myself show up every day to do something for five minutes, no matter what, no matter how busy my day was, or whatever, and it just like, keep at it and be like, well explore that, you know, explore what's it like when to just meditate as soon as you wake up, what's it, and to also get rid of like, perfect, you know, of like, I don't have to be seated, you know, legs, you know, crisscross applesauce, like I can meditate in bed, I can, you know, when I get home from work, I can sit on my sofa, or whatever, you know, like, being really permissive, but being specific of this needs to happen every day for five minutes just to like, see what happens. And I think I did that for myself for a month, you know, I was like, just just try for a month. And I got to like two years within every day streak, you know, like, of just being way gentler with myself about it, you know, and way more, like if I got over five minutes Gray, but like just setting a much more realistic, realistic and like specific goal was so much more helpful for me versus for creating the habit.

Yeah, I think that also plays so much into the lifestyle portion. Yeah, we don't when we're just thinking about habits, we're thinking of them more, I think, General, generally, right. Like, I want to meditate, okay. But meditation for you looks a lot different than it does for me. And we have to allow ourselves like you're saying give permission to ourselves. We don't, the permission isn't going to come via anybody else. And it shouldn't really, right, because you have to figure out what works in your life. And I think that's what scares a lot of people. And I understand that. We're, I feel like there's so many people don't trust what they want, or they don't trust the way they want to live, or they don't see it being possible, maybe. So they're like, Well, I have to do it. This there's a way to do it. Right. And that's just not true. There's no Anna says this all the time. There's there's a million ways to live, right? What yeah, there's this. So have you read atomic habits? No, I haven't. I know. I'm familiar with it. But I haven't read it read it either. But there's some snippets from it that I've found interesting. I haven't actually read the book. Yep. So one of the things in this article by James clear,

it's somebody my therapist, and I've been talking about, like, in terms of women of how often I find I can only I can only speak to women, that's often who I'm talking to, you know, trying I'm not saying it's, I'm not cornering the market in that regard, or being trying to exclude but, um, that how much like, I think free floating or and somewhat irrational fear, or, I mean, I shouldn't call it irrational, but like, maybe I really saw in Italy, like how much I think women still are governed by fear that if they live the way they want, something bad will happen. And I think that relates to lifestyle as well that people are really afraid, like, if I do this, or I raised my child the way I want or if I live, you know, move to the community I want or what you know, like, whatever. I think there's like so often, this, just like unnamed fear, there's just this fear fear something's gonna happen. Is something I tend to hear a lot with clients and just friends.

18:41

So is another question.

Yeah, do you do like, what do you because I think you're someone who tries to live kind of fearlessly about your lifestyle in the regards of you're like, I'm doing this. This is how I want to live. This is what's important to us. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, I'm scared not to live that way. I am saying you're not to live that way. Because I think I die. Like I don't mean to be dramatic. It's true. Like, I don't see my I don't, of course, maybe I wouldn't. But I know the life that I was living in the lifestyle that I've had the lifestyles that I've had, have made me so depressed. And so a shell of myself that like, Yeah, I do protect it fiercely. And because I love when I were just talking about this last night at dinner, you know, about how certain friendship groups often women, that I that, you know, are like feed off drama, right? And I'm like, I don't have the time or the energy for that because it disturbs some, like the lifestyle that I want to live, which is a peaceful one, right? Like I think if you're very intentional about the pillars of what like holds up your life, it doesn't mean you have to be be closed off or stubborn. I mean, we can all be stubborn. Sometimes you can be committed, you have to be committed to your lifestyle, just like you have to be committed to your habits, right? And they go hand in hand. So it's very easy to say you want to be an artist or you are an artist. And that is what you want your life to be. You want to create art, you talked, you've talked about this with your friends who've been like, to other artists, friends, like, Come on, let's just go get lunch, right? Like, what's the big deal? It's the middle of the day. And you're like, but don't this is like my work, it's part of my lifestyle is that like, I work at home during the day, you know, and I need to get up at this time or go to sleep at that time. Those all those habits create your life and your lifestyle, right? They don't wander that exists without the other. So this study that was done at Duke said, university said that 40% of our behaviors on any given day are like our habits, right? Our habits account for 40% of our behavior on any given day. So you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing you do? Before anything?

I I usually wake up and I'm like, I'll be honest, I usually wake up and pee. Again. That's been before I do for you anything anything? That's

good. That's a good one.

I usually look at my phone to see what time it is to see if I can go back to sleep. Or is my alarm going off? Or should you know like, Am I close enough to the alarm? I should I should wake up? You know, I try not to check my social media for the first hour I'm away. And that I'll look at like, well, it's some of it is thanks to our Instagram going bonkers that literally I just I just turned off notifications. And ignorance is bliss. And I started noticing in turning off those notifications. It set me up for a better morning, it set me up for a better day, you know that? I've now started reading. I'm like, I feel like I'm outing myself as being like people that you and I sometimes are like, Oh brother, like how do they have the zine?

Started and my gratitude journal a little bit

a little bit, you know that, um, but I usually wake up in IP so that I can then meditate it comfortably without having a full bladder out. I figured out what time it is. Yeah, and then I usually brush my teeth or shower or whatever, and then go get coffee. And that is pretty much every single day no matter what. And no matter where I am.

Right. So those you at one point did not have those habits. Obviously one point you'd wake up, maybe pay maybe not.

Maybe, maybe not 100% Have I like nearly wet my pants in bed, like reading my phone and been like Anna, this is ridiculous. You're an adult? Like go get up in BP like Yeah, yeah, I have. That is the grip our phones have on?

Yeah, really, because it's just instant. It's just such an instant gratification. But even though there's no real gratification, but anyway, that's a story for another day. So how but I

think it does make you feel like you've done something, you know, like, I don't even necessarily care about like, I don't know, like, I don't care how my like social media did over the nights, you know, it's not like I think like something crazy has happened or I've missed out or whatever. But I think that it like makes you feel productive. You know, like, I think you can trick yourself and think like, checking your email or like firing something off before you've even like woken up, you know, like, was really doing something and I think I had to learn like I think I'm a little bit of a late riser. Like I tend to get up by i My rule is I have to be up and add it by 9am which I mean Nina has only seen like three clients

know that I'm the only one I only have one eight.

And but it works for me, you know, but I think I used to feel shame or embarrassment or like oh my god, I'm an adult or whatever. And I would like really rush to like get up and be moving and you know like overcompensate and now I'm just like whatever i i work I have a different rhythm. You know like

I totally understand what you're saying. I think people have I'm seeing this so much with raising Milo and obviously everything you do. You know, your kids are watching and listening and copying or mimicking or whatever. And that he is very much his own person. Obviously they all are but one of our habits in the morning that especially when it gets cold is we stay in bed for well I don't because I have work but I let him stay in bed until he's ready to come out like he doesn't. He can hang out play with his toys. He can watch a movie. He can even eat his breakfast if he wants to. He on the floor, but like he likes to stay up in our room for I was

like, I was like, There's no way she's like, No, I

do I do it. And then when you're like, no I have like things down but I'll let him eat in bed. I'm Milo has like free rein.

He's also a tidy, he's very tidy.

He's very tidy. Yeah. So he'll be like, Oh, no mommy a chrome. But I it's it changes. So then we do so we don't really do school because I homeschool him we homeschool him until like, the the early afternoon where I usually will do some reading while I'm on calls. And then I'll get off, he'll have a break. And then we'll do a little bit more school, but just not being obsessed with like, well, other kids are in school right now, other skids kids are on the bus at like 7am. So my kids should be up in nadelman. Like that didn't, that doesn't work for him. And maybe at some point it will. But you have to create habits that work for your lifestyle. It doesn't we don't live like that. We're not like, go go go people and I don't want to raise my kid to feel that pressure. I want him to be able to function in the world. But I don't want him to feel like he has to be doing something just because other people are doing it when they're doing it. Right. And that there's so much freedom in that. And also there's like so much guilt that's lifted, because you see like, oh, he actually likes learning. And again, maybe I'm not on my soapbox box about this, because he's literally in preschool. So I'm not like, I don't I'm not a parenting expert, I don't claim to be but for us, what really works is like watching his rhythm and seeing how he feels good. And when he feels good and creating habits, or helping him create habits around that, not like forcing him to be uncomfortable to to just fall in line with whatever it is

I could see I mean, I can definitely think of like that makes sense to me just like, as someone who grew up like not in a strict household, but like kind of, you know, like, it was in the sense of like, these are the rules, you will follow them, you know, and like not a lot of debate, you know, and I very quietly rebelled. And it was interesting how much I had to look at, like lifestyle and habits and eating disorder recovery. And I had to sort of look at all these ways. I was like making these very, like, arbitrary rules and like somewhat out of fear. And like, I It's like interesting sometimes when someone like challenges you about that. Like I wouldn't have seltzer until after dark. And my nutritionist was like, what up? You know, like, why? And I was like, Well, I just think like, I'll just drink it all day. And she's like, it's seltzer. Like, who cares? You know? And I was like, I don't I don't, you know, and, or, like, I just had all these, like, really arbitrary. And she's like, I think if you let yourself Do things you enjoy, like, during the day, and it's not always like this shirt dark or this, or after dark or whatever. Like, I think you would feel better. You know, like, I think it would feel more permissive. I think it would feel more, you know, like something what I practice is called intuitive eating. It's pretty if you have a history of diet mentality or eating disorders, I definitely recommend giving it a look. See, but it's also if you you don't like the appeal of diets is rules. The appeal of diet is like if I follow this thing, I get a guaranteed result. And guess what? 95 95% I think of diets fail. So only 5% of people keep a 50 pound or more weight loss off for more than five years. Want more stats about how diets don't work? You can hit me up at Anna at how do we human pod.com. But it's really scary when you first go into intuitive eating because it's very much just like eat whatever you want, whenever you want as much of it as you want, you know. And when you're coming from, you know this like illusion of control. And you know, you think you have your lifestyle of like, I hate this. I ate that. And then baba, baba bah. It's like you're actually you've actually just like completely disrupted and thrown all of that. Got off and you don't actually know what you need. You don't actually know how you need to eat, you don't actually know what you want. Because you've like, created this bizarre like obstacle course for yourself. And Oh, that reminds me of something else I need to tell you off pug. But anyway, I digress. And I think it's interesting if you can, I think so often with lifestyle, people are trying to be in habits to be honest, they're trying to be someone they're not. And it actually will work better if you think about, I remember, like, when I first went self employed, I was living like a college student, I would stay up till like, three, four o'clock in the morning, I would sleep until 11am. I was like, I love this. I get to make my hours. I don't have to be somewhere in the morning. I don't have to do these stupid meetings in the morning. You know, like, I big time, like party girl rebelled? And then I remember going to therapy being like, why is it giving me low self esteem that I wake up late in the morning? She's like, I don't know. But it does. You know, like, my therapist was very affirming in that. And I worked worked on for a year, literally just having a regular bedtime, and a regular wakeup time. And

just sticking with it, and not trying to make myself be someone else not trying to make myself go to bed at like 10. And, you know, I was like, what is a fair compromise? How about in bed by midnight up by nine? You know, like that sort of thing? It helped me figure out like, how much sleep do I really need? When do I feel the best? When do I actually feel energized, it helped me notice like, with certain jobs and certain like, event work, like oh my god, that takes such an energetic toll on myself, that I think sometimes it's like, if you can look at the framework of like, ideally, having some habits and structure and things like make us feel better. But like, riffing on it on the way that it feels good for you, I think can be really empowering, you know, but I understand how scary it is at the time. Like, we love all these rules and stuff because they make us like feel safe. And they make us think if we do this, it'll be okay. Or, you know, our lives will work out the way we want. Like, and really that's just kind of a lie. You know, like, most of the stuff we need in order to like, stay alive on this planet is like, you know, pretty simple. You just need to like feed and water yourself, but like and have air, but the rest of it like really is up for debate. It really is. I think having the courage to like sit with yourself and look at your life and go okay, I kind of know the tenets of adulthood like what do I need to blend into

here? Yeah, I agree. I think so much of its like, kind of like the, the father archetype is like, you know, we were like, oh, Dad's going to dads are to take care of you and to sets like structure and stability and like, tell you the rules. Like that's a lot of the way how schools are run how people think. And I think when we're kind of out on our own, whether we got that or not. If we got that, then we're often trying to mimic I didn't I didn't either, did you? Yeah. Stoned in the basement, or living in Beverly Hills. I like no, I don't

get that. Yeah, yeah. I'm like yeah, like my mom was definitely, I think, because my dad wasn't that. I mean, my dad was kind of like, all, you know, like, a lot more bluster. You know, like, all bark, no bite. Um, it was my mom. My mom was like, these. These are the rules. You know, like, she, she channeled that archetype, you know, for sure. Yeah,

I didn't have rules. I just had like, like, anger if I did something wrong. Like, that was scary. So I was like, I know, there aren't like real rules. But there are some rules. And I don't really know what they are. But I kind of know what they are. So I didn't have structure, like at all. And I think part of that is amazing, because but part of that was really shitty, and also made me feel really unsafe in ways I did not understand. And I'm still understanding as an adult, which is a huge part of why I cling to, and I don't actually mean cling to sometimes I do but more like, why I set myself up the way I do, because these are things that I have tried and have proven like to me that okay, if you go to sleep at 10 o'clock, and you get your kids waking you up at six, you feel much better, right? Instead of like, yeah, whole like fuck you. Like everyone I'm going to stay up and just like get my freedom and I don't but I but it's actually not helping me at all. It's just something I'm doing to what be like a fake rebel. And so I've had to be really honest with myself over the years of what I actually feels good. What do I really want to feel like and what do I want to accomplish during the day? Not from a productivity standpoint from, like a happiness standpoint, right? Like, yeah, it makes me happy and what doesn't make me happy if I don't get sleep. And this is a huge, like, I guess it feels like a vulnerable moment. Because I have a little bit of shame around it. But I'm getting over it. Like a lot of people have said to me, whether they're, you know, psychics or whatever like, and just, I felt like having another baby is something that I might do, right, like, well, you have another baby, there's another baby waiting for you, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I am on the fence. But still, one of the things that I'm very clear about is I don't have the capacity right now, to be a mom to a newborn. And I am not going to pretend that I do. And that is a choice that everybody has to make for themselves. And some people are built really differently. And some people just like, power through things, and but I, I can't, and I know that about myself. And that's not a fear response. And it's not a it's just, if I want my family to function in a certain way, than adding a whole other human being is not something I'm going to enter into lightly.

It's wild. To me, when people make, I don't think you cleaned by the way, I think you prioritize things, I think you just prioritize it, you're like this, this, this makes my life work. Therefore, it is a priority to me, you know, like, which, ideally, we're all kind of doing, you know, but I think we are discouraged. It is wild to me. When it comes to stuff, especially I think about energy and health and bodies. When people make very sweeping statements, you know, I'm 42 and don't have children, but like, not when people are like, you could do it, you could do it on your own. You can have a Bear Bear. And I'm like, yeah, like, Duh, yeah, I know, I could, you know, but like, the reality of like, going through that alone or with donors, or whatever, you know, going to the fact that you can't You're, you're not usually doing that. Naturally, you know, so number one big, big fucking hassle that most people don't actually know what's involved with fertility stuff. And the the idea of being alone with a newborn makes me like, I have to do you ever. Like, I think it's funny sometimes when people are like, I'm like, I'm 30 years old and pregnant, but like, why am I panicking, like, I'm 16 or something. And I'm like, That's so real. You know, like, I have to tell my parents, you know, and they're like, wait, I'm 30 I'm married. It's fine, you know?

News. Doesn't matter. It's just

not relevant. We don't need it. Yeah. But when I think about sometimes, like, having a baby on my own, like, I have to go like, it didn't happen. And it was just like, it was just a mind that

you're like sweating.

Yeah, because even, you know, like, I think of you and my friend Nan a lot. Because you're both kind of like, super moms in terms of like, very hands on very available to your child. Both, you know, often have your kids in the bed with you, which I'm like, often, you know, every day for me. Yeah. And I, you know, interrogate both of you of like, don't you want personal space? And you're like, Yeah, from everyone, but him, you know, or, like, I find that fascinating. And I find that all consuming this about it. Fascinating, because I don't really feel that way about anything. But maybe myself, you know, like, I don't know, I don't even feel that way about myself that I can't even imagine. Like timesing that by two, you know, like, I can't I can't imagine doing it alone. I mean, like, ways awesome. He's an awesome dad. Like, I have friends with incredible partners and dads and stuff and their asses are still getting kicked. And the way in which people are like, just not another, you could do it. Or it is crazy to me that I feel like can we get out of making these like, you know, like something I love that my therapist like really encourages in me and I have to come back to you all the time is to meet things with curiosity, and I feel like in regard to both lifestyle and habit and like kind of like whatever people's like energy is, like meet it with curiosity. If someone you know loves being a mom but only has one kid like ask out of curiosity, you know, like, ask I think, you know or talk to your friend from that place versus being the like Gecko. I mean that is just it's becoming more and more of a pet peeve of mine I will step off the soapbox now

well no, I get it and also I think it's just an obviously another way people project their their shit onto others and they want it to be that way for themselves or maybe it was like that in their family and they want to convince themselves everything was like this or that I again going back to why we're here lifestyle like the depends on the lifestyle you want a very real conversation that I'm having with my husband is like, what if we want to travel a lot? Well, what if we want to do this? Well, how what I don't want to work and what and if in my the way I parent is different than the way other people parent because I don't want to send my kid to school. So then I have to think realistically, like, can I homeschool two kids of different ages? Can I take care of a newborn while also like homeschooling my five or six or whatever, you're old, and also having a business and also have being in a happy marriage. Like, can I do that? Not? Can Sarah do that? If Sarah's doing the right power to her, but can I do that? And like so many of the habits I used to have or were a response like a playing a character, right? Like my habits were my rebel comments, my habits were Yeah, have habits. My habits for my use, right? You can get if you're clean little like in habits, I'm gonna like exam like cigarettes and drink late and

my habits. My favorite one is my smoking. Thank

you so much. But like enjoy your green juice. I was one with my sag. So I really was a way for me to convince myself that I was doing things my way. And I wasn't gonna follow any rules and blah, blah, blah. So when I grew up a little bit, and I realized like, Hi habits are actually not meant to kill you. And they do they can if you go that route, but what if just like an idea, what if your habits actually made you feel good, right? What would change? How would your life change? Because the sum of your life is your habits, right? Like you your habits make up your life make up your day. So there are a couple of things that are some of them are annoying and obvious, but I'm going to go through them anyway. A few ways to set some new goals and break old ones. Right. So the first thing and this is from an article that I'm will have the science of habit. It's an Healthline we'll link in the show notes, but I think it's pretty helpful stuff. Anyway, so the number one thing, say your goal out loud, so obviously, a lot of times, affirmations are you know, I find them to be like, incredibly helpful and also incredibly embarrassing. Like, I absolutely hate them, but I love them. And so that's a real thing. I think a lot of this stuff is getting over ourselves and being like, yeah, maybe it is cheesy to write down my fucking goal in my journal, but I

just also don't call it an affirmation. I don't like the word affirmation. I don't like what it's become, but saying a definitive statement is is helpful. Agreed. So a clear concise statement of intention helpful beyond

and, and to get, you know, into like a little bit more of the spiritual aspect, which obviously we both are, it does send a signal to and do universe and you will be really surprised. It's not like, we're not talking about this, you know, idiotic, like, capitalist kind of now way of like manifesting abundance, but it's when you are clear and when your intentions are clear. And when you say things clearly or write them clearly it has a profound effect. It truly truly does. Good or bad. So what are some of the things this guy Dr. Tom cannon is a psychiatric mental health practitioner said that people have undergone brain scans while saying positive affirmations. The brain lights up like a Christmas tree, which I thought was

I believe that you're you've seen that thing. When people that experiment when they like, you know, talk to like, apples and plants like yeah, one was positive one with negative like, I believe that why? You know,

your brain truly wants to believe everything you're saying. He says which I'm like Yeah, it does. So when you're saying something else another thing way and I were talking at dinner, just kind of reflecting it was our anniversary yesterday. And so we were reflecting on like, where we've been and how we, you know, got here and it's very cute. While Milo, by the way, was insisting the entire day, like it's our anniversary, like

this. I mean, that's the only problem with y'all being a little trio is yes. But also, Agnes, he also wants to marry.

So it really was, yeah, he's not wrong. But he's like, I do like daddy's present more than you love me. You know, like, okay, it's not a contest. Anyway. So

that's really funny, because you're not competitive in that way. It's that you could be like, All right, it's, it's not a contest. I have enough last new thing is like you loved

you to think I'm ask you. You think that baby's cute. I'm like, nothing will take my love away from you, honey. Like you'd think that baby's cute. You think Lucy's cute. It's like all day. Oh, my God, I love you so much. Anyway, so when you're saying I was saying like, he thought it was impossible to become a successful artists, he thought it was. He couldn't. He was like, I had zero belief. And you had like all the belief, and I just, I didn't allow room or I didn't really it's easier, because he's, he's not me. But I, I, my brain is sitting there like, of course, this is possible. This is what we're doing. This is possible. This is what's happening. And it really, there was a time where I was had a newborn, I was supporting us financially, we had moved into a house that definitely was not like, necessarily in our budget, but like, we were right there. And I knew that moving there was going to like, catapult things. And it did. But I but it was a huge risk, right. And I was just saying to myself, like you got this, like, you can totally be a mom have a business. And like, pay everything. It's, it's totally fine. And it now has become so not what's happening. But it's just amazing what can happen. Now there are obviously very real factors. But like we didn't have, we don't have you know, fallback plans. We don't have parents that support us. It's not like that we were we're on our own. So it's like, I just was very much I can see how my brain responds when I speak to a certain way when I say things a certain way. Whereas if I'm like really blocked and I'm really anxious, or I'm really worried, and I'm repeating that like then out yeah, I'm stuck in things might not be going terribly, but I keep bumping up against stuff, and just feeling really exhausted. So saying your goal out loud is really helpful. The other next thing is swap a new habit for an old one. So this is I'm a huge believer in this because just telling people to go cold turkey on stuff is not effective.

No, no. I mean, it did help me quit smoking, but I got pregnant. Oh, that that'll do it. I mean,

I highly recommend it if you're thinking of getting quitting smoking, just. Yeah,

I'm like, I do. I mean, I've said to people, I when I went on a trip with my mom, and I was like, I just don't want to hear her complain about it. You know, and I was like, and I'm done. I was like, I'm tired of smelling like cigarettes. You know, that's but that's the I agree. Like, the only time I've I've quit something like cold turkey. But my conversation to myself was like, when you returned from this trip, you are not a smoker. You know, like I did. indoctrinate myself, you know, because I could see how quickly my brain was like already starting like, oh, yeah, but when we get back and we're not like that, you know,

that was not there, Rambo Karis won't be there. Exactly. And I

was like, nope, nope, nope, nope, we've managed to pull this off. Like, you know, when we return we are no, we're still, you know, not a smoker. And

that works. Yeah. So some people obviously are like cinnamon sticks, and blah, blah. If you have an oral fixation. That wasn't my thing. But I would not be afraid to have like to, to put a habit in place. Right. So there are examples. Like if you sit down with a glass of scotch at 6pm Keep the time in the glass, but swap it out for something that's not scotch, right. That's not booze. Yeah. And so it'll be easier to decouple the alcohol from the habit and then you can work on replacing the habituated action with something different. That's what this guy says and I agree.

A lot of eating disorder, recovery is about that. Yeah, you know, where it's like, and I do really advocate for that with people they if you if there is something you know, like, I know Like a lot of things if you read it or it'll be like, take a bath, paint your nails, you know, like, if none of that stuff is appealing to you don't do it, you know, like figure out what a new and I think it's okay sometimes I think, you know, the kind of like, treat yourself like if you're trying to quit drinking or not have that you know aperitivo like, can you make it fun by like having spritzes and making non alcoholic you know, our friend, Lily, she on really feeds you on her Instagram makes all these delicious spritzes and things like, you know, I like that she is really creative about it. And she doesn't mostly like I think for hormone balancing and things like that. So I think there's a million ways you can make like, recruit like adjusting a habit to be fun.

Totally. And yeah, drinking like plain water probably not gonna last is not fun. And you know, and exactly, there's so many we can't get there. But the one thing I did want to go quickly through is this five part framework for creating positive habits. So there's a ton of other pieces of you know how to start new habits and break old ones that will be in this art you can see in this article, but so for this five part framework discovered, diagnose, prescribe, practice, pause. So make sure you understand why your goal matters to you and discover identify friction points or roadblocks and removing them is important, and why removing them as are important is important. Create boundaries that will help you on track, keep on track, figure out your ideal game plan and personalize it to your interests and skills. Which is like so important. Because again, if you're if you don't like something, right, you want to move more but hate to run. Can you dance, right? Can you swim, and I were just talking about that. So you don't have to go to a gym. Practice is a huge, don't get stuck in like all or nothing mindset, you can just practice Baby Steps Be flexible, forgiving. I love the word practice as bar, it's a reminder that it's not about being perfect. It's about doing it. If you can get something for five minutes, like Anna said, if you can, and I've talked about this in movement all the time. 10 minutes, 15 minutes is absolutely an amazing feat. Pauses last thing reflecting on your efforts, which I think is so important and results builds new links in the brain. If you don't pause to say like, I felt good after I did that, or that made me feel blocked, or just congrats on doing it. You know, you might feel silly, you might feel it might feel uncomfortable at first. But it's incredibly important to celebrate yourself and pause and reflect on what you've done.

It it is so important. It's crazy. You don't like I had never thought much about it. And then I had a reading with Marcela, Kroll many, many moons ago. And she said, I want you to make, you know, I want you to list out each month and then underneath each month, write what you accomplished. And I was like, I don't know, I didn't accomplish a lot, you know, like, and she was like, whatever it is you view as an accomplishment. It doesn't matter. It's not about like societal societal standards, or like, you know, whatever. And I was like, oh, okay, and she's like, our accomp our unacknowledged accomplishments weigh on us just as much as our perceived failures. And I was like, Oh, okay. I don't know that. I really understand that, you know? And then when I thought about it, I was like, Oh, she's absolutely right. Like, often, if you are working really hard, or you are really in pursuit of a goal, like, or whatever, you know, like, if you're doing anything, I think that's positive yourself. You're not really encouraged to keep doing it. If you don't give yourself credit, or a little pat on the back or be like, it doesn't even have to be, you know, like, you throw yourself a party every time but literally just being like, for me, like I part of why I talk about the dumb setting a bedtime and wake up time for myself is it felt good, it felt like an accomplishment, it felt I was like, I am glad that I stuck with this and did this for myself, you know, and like, didn't just sort of stay in the soup of it. And that was that was really that was a moment I got to really see like, oh yeah, it is valuable to pause and like take that in. It's also helpful to do then realize what you're doing for yourself versus what you think you're doing because like that's what successful adults do or whatever to check in and go like Did that feel good to me. I remember once when I was eating like a lot of OSI Asahi bowls for breakfast, because I was like, how few people do that. And you know, like, healthy people have ice bowls. And I was having smoothies, you know, and I was like, I hate it. I don't feel good. It's too much fruit for me in the morning. And I was going to all these meetings and having so many blueberries seeds in my teeth, you know? And being like, Yeah, let's do this. You know, I'm

a normal man. Yeah.

Can you see my health? My health Show? The show? Yeah. And I was just like, how about we take the note of like, we want an easy breakfast, that, like, look like, feels good to us. It is, like, easy to do. But, like, let's cut out this is shit. You know, laying back

intuitive eating, your body might not want that. And especially during the season, you know, like, yeah, you have to really pay attention to what your body is asking for, which again, is very hard to do for a lot of us, especially when you're starting to do it. But yeah, but you just notice, right, and that's where the pulse comes in. And that's where, you know, we can kind

of also, I have to remind myself, we're all on the same team, my brain loves a sweet breakfast, you know, my body hates it. And I have to go brain, I know, that's what you want. I know, you think a croissant and stuff is like, you know, you want a pastry or whatever. But remember how that makes us feel like shit every single time, like without fail. Like, if that's the bulk of breakfast, and I'm like, You got me there, you're right. You know, like, it helps me as well in terms of lifestyle and habits to like, remember, we're all on the same team, like all the different parts of myself, when this is a call back to something Nina was talking about earlier in terms of like, you know, the, the rebel, the this or that. Gretchen Rubin. She has the four tendencies. It's a purse, it's a personality profiles that are to help like, you know, make your life easier. And I remember doing that. And the first time I took the test, I was I was the rebel. And another time, I was like the obliger. So it gives these I found it really helpful, because it gave language to like, what your challenges are around learning things, and adapting habits and stuff. It felt like it sort of helps you figure out like, what you need to be aware of, or what, how to meet your needs, in a way, especially in regards, I think to like change, yes, like the rebels generally is going to rebel against anything until they come to it, you know. And so it was like, also really permissive in the sense of like, just kind of trust that about yourself, you know, that like, you know, I forget what it was, but it was something sort of, like, you know, look at, like, look at your life, look at your history, like, have you made changes in the past, it's like, if you have, it's like, trust that and just know when you're ready or whatever, you'll do it, you know, but if people keep trying to impose that upon you, or whatever, it's just gonna make that rebellious stuff where you know, and like, the obliger was, like, you know, you're more likely to be to show up or more accountable, like, for people outside of yourself. And I was like, oh, yeah, that definitely works for me, in terms of, I do like something outside of myself. Like, I like working with a trainer. I like, you know, like, I like to 10 It's not always enough for me just to shuffle for myself. But yes, I'm working on in therapy. But um, you know, like eight, it was it gives it like a nice, I think it gives them tools and framework for like, if you're like I don't even know how to begin setting habits or I don't even know how to define my lifestyle or whatever. I do think that Gretchen Rubin has an the four tendencies, like has some a place to start, if like the thought of all of this is very overwhelming for you.

Wow. Thank you for listening, everyone. We hope this is helpful. I think there's a lot of great resources and let us know what kind of new habits you pick up.

Yeah, mostly, we just hope you're all living various sexy lifestyles, and you're more than welcome to tell us about your sexy lifestyle. Yeah, to see that even if that's just like teaching remember and something you know

than I am. So just let me send some of your message and if

you actually live a second realize that I probably don't want to hear about it. If you can joke about it, then I do

offer now. My that's all for today's episode.

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