Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlin Childress,

and I'm a life and parenting coach. And the last few episodes,

I've been talking about sort of making your mornings

and your afternoons a little bit more pleasant. We've talked

about the gentle handoff, which is really this

idea of delivering the most emotionally regulated person

you can to school. And. And what that requires

essentially staying really calm and present, not parenting in the morning,

not talking about big, heavy things, just kind of getting through the morning.

And then I also talked about eyeballs, which is this idea of making eye

contact and making a genuine connection before your kids

leave. Like when you. Whenever you are in reunion, like so when they wake

up and when you say goodbye, and then when you rejoin each other

together after school and then before bed.

So I love these concepts. And I want to teach you one other thing that

I did a lot with my kids and that I teach. And

I realized I haven't done it on the podcast, and I call it five

Things. So it's really not that complicated.

And what essentially is, is I sat with

myself and decided, what are the five things that my kids need

to do every morning before school? Sort of the non

negotiables. I also had the three things, and

those were the three things they needed to do before bed. I'm gonna

go through what those things are. But what I did

was I taught my kids the five things. I'd say,

okay, every morning, you need to get dressed, brush your

teeth, eat breakfast, get your lunchbox and your

backpack and your socks and shoes. So those were the five things.

And we would talk about it every day, like the beginning of the school

year. I'd say, okay, remember, have you done your five things?

And then I would go through the list. Now, the way that I did this

once they kind of knew what the five things were, is I'd

stand at the door about five minutes before it was time

to leave, and I would say, okay, it's

time to leave. Have you done your five things?

And I would make eye contact, get eyeballs, look at them. And I'd say,

hey, look at me, look at me. Pay attention. Look, look, look at me.

Come here. Have you done your five things? And then

they would go, huh? And they would, like what? Oh. And then they'd

have to do some thinking, put their thinking cap on

and start to get into what they needed to do.

And so I could look at them and say, I don't see socks and

shoes, so I don't think You've done your five things, so what do you need

to do now? And I'd say socks and shoes. Great, go

ahead and do that. So I would try to coach

them in such a way that they would have to do their own thinking instead

of barking. Hey, you haven't got dressed. Get dressed, get dressed. Have you brushed your

teeth? Brush your teeth. You haven't brushed your teeth. Come on, brush your teeth. Hurry

up. You got to brush your teeth or you need to eat. You need to

eat. We got to get to school. If you don't eat, we're going to have

a bad day. You're going to have a big belly, and your stomach's going to

hurt. You know, you need protein in the morning. Or like, oh, did you get

your lunchbox? Once again, you didn't take your lunchbox. All that

extra talking is stressful for you and for your

kids, and it doesn't really help them do their own thinking.

So my theory with the five things is they have to do their own

thinking. They have to memorize what is required of them

in order to go to school, right? So when I say lunchbox, it was

kind of like, lunchbox, backpack, because they had to put their lunchbox in their backpack,

and then they'd have their backpack. So I'd say, have you done your five things?

The five things were get dressed. That's one.

Brush your teeth, eat breakfast.

Lunchbox in your backpack, socks and shoes.

I did not care about water bottles. I've talked about this before.

I didn't fill up water bottles. I didn't manage water

bottles. Probably by the time they were seven, I

was out of the water bottle game. If they were really thirsty at

school, they would say, like, oh, I was so thirsty at school. And I'd say,

you're welcome to fill up a water bottle and put in your backpack at any

time. I'm just not gonna do water. I really didn't

think that they needed water. I grew up without water at school, and I survived.

And the school has watering fountains, drinking fountains, and I

think they can survive without water. But I know some of you

feel differently. So you might say lunchbox and water. That might be

a combo for your five things. Now, I

was watching Instagram, as one does, and I

was. I always get so many

tips and parenting tips, you know, because I'm a parenting coach, and

they think that I need a lot of parenting tips, I guess so. Anyway, I

was looking at Instagram, and there's. I think this website, this

account is called Sprinkle in Learning. And we'll link this

reel in the show notes and in the email. But

this mom came up with this really cool thing. You know those lights

that are battery operated that you can attach with

just a piece of adhesive? Like I think they're designed to go under

countertops and stuff like that. So what she did was

she put them on the wall with the picture of her

five things. And then the little girl

goes and does the thing and untaps the

light. So when the light is on, the little girl knows she

hasn't done it yet. And then she goes and taps it only after she's

completed that one of those five things. And it was really cute because her

five things were backpack, water, lunch,

shoes and jacket. And in this example, the little

girl's already dressed. So for my five things it was

dressed teeth, eat, lunchbox, socks and

shoes. So I did the whole morning routine in the five things.

So you can do it either way. Now a couple other tips around

these five things is two

tips. One is if your child hasn't eaten

breakfast. Okay. There's a variety of

thoughts about this. I deeply believe that a

hungry belly is the best teacher

of I should eat right. So getting to

school and not being able to have eaten something

is a good. Like the brain starts to connect the dots

and says like, oh, I don't want to feel like that so I better do

something about it. Now little kids have a lot of trouble connecting

those dots, but we want them to be connecting those dots. If we

do all their thinking, we're actually denying them of the

ability to develop executive function. So we really

want them to be able to start to connect those dots. Or

they get home and they're like, I was so hungry this today. I was so

hungry this morning. You say, oh yeah, having a hungry belly

is so hard. I'm sorry, Maybe tomorrow you'll have,

you'll create time for breakfast, right? So we

don't want to be like I told you so or anything. You just say like,

yeah, that's tough. And I think you're going to be able to figure out how

to do it tomorrow now. So for me, I had

breakfast available. We tried to leave the house around

8. Now the school started at

8:45 was like the final bell

and we lived about 8 minutes from school

and they could get dropped off as early as

8:15. So I made it my goal to have

that early drop off be our time. So in my mind school started at

8:15. It was also really convenient because I

liked to go to this exercise class back then at 8:30

and so I could drop off, there was no line and

I could take my kids to school. The other thing that

happened a lot in our family was that my husband took the kids to school

and so he also liked them to be ready at 8 and then he

could drop off and he could walk in. We tried to do walk in as

much as we could and, and gentle handoff and then he

would head off to work. So for a really long time, our

routine was to leave at 8. So I would close the kitchen at

7:45. So I would have breakfast available

from 7 to 7:40. 5. Now my younger son,

he woke up really early, he Woke up at 5:30. And so I'd

have some boundaries for him. Like you're welcome to have breakfast once you

have, you're dressed and your teeth are brushed. So there was a

habit of not having breakfast in pajamas on school days.

Breakfast in pajamas is fun on the weekend when you don't have anywhere to go.

But breakfast in pajamas on a school day really kind

of extends that like casual morning.

And I kind of wanted to get into gear. So you would get up, get

dressed, brush your teeth, then you would come to the kitchen and,

and eat breakfast and then grab your lunchbox, put your socks and

shoes on and into the car. So if I did not close the

kitchen at 7:45, if I was still having kids eating,

then they were not ready at 8 because they didn't have time

to get their lunchbox into their backpack and get their socks and shoes

on. Cause as you know, that can take like seven or eight minutes

with little kids. It actually takes me like three or four minutes

to put socks and shoes on. So just really taking in that time,

knowing, okay, everyone needs 15 minutes after breakfast to like get

this last stuff done. Going to the bathroom. Now, why I love

this big window that I had of planning to leave at 8 and

not really needing to be at school for a long time is that I could

have emergency time if somebody had to go to the bathroom, if the dog

got into something, if there was a spill, if for some reason I

had to deal with like, you know, water emergency or somebody like my

sister calls and she's got something I got to deal with. So something like

that. There was a little bit of cushion built into the

morning so that I wouldn't feel so stressed. That's part of that

gentle handoff, part of delivering the most emotionally

regulated person. So after maybe a year,

okay, like a long time because kids are little, I started this when they were

in kinder in preschool, or this of the five

things, it takes a while for them to really internalize it. That's

why that idea that the mom has that we're going to link with the

picture and the little checkbox, kind of using the

lights as like, check, check, check, check, is so helpful because

it starts to build that muscle memory and that

like, the body loves rhythm. It loves routine. It likes

knowing predictability, likes doing the same thing every day. So the more

you can create that rhythm and do the same order of

things, the easier it is for your kids. So the time the boys were

in first and second grade, I didn't do any

teaching anymore. I would just stand at the door and I'd say, have you done

your five things? And then they would scramble, get their

five things done and be ready. And I,

I have an ADHD kid. I have a kid with sensory

processing issues. I have a kid with all, you know, I

have. My kids are not like the easiest people to raise the. By

any means. And I'm not the most calm person in the

world either. Like, I want to be on time. I do, like

have things I want to get done. I was like a hyper productive parent. I

was like, ba, ba, ba, here we go. Boom, boom, boom. We got to do

this. But the more clarity I had about what

was required, the order I wanted those things to be in, the more I could

teach my kids that. And then that became their memories, their

muscle memory, their internal mind map for mornings.

So I want to encourage you to do this. Oh, I didn't finish my thought

about eating. Okay, so with eating, kitchen's close at

7:45. But what about kids who need to eat because they're taking

medicine? Or what about kids who need to eat because the doctor told them they're

low blood sugar, blah, blah, blah. One thing I want to remind parents is that

most of the time they have snack pretty quickly after they get there.

Like especially preschoolers, but, but even elementary school,

they kind of snack like 10:30 and school starts at 8:30,

so it's not that long to be hungry. Like most people

can handle that. But if you're really concerned, you

can have a granola bar or a smoothie set up that

they take in the car. You know, those little juice, not a Capri

sun, but like, you know, a little protein smoothie or something. You can make a

batch and put it in a jar if that's like

on your repertoire. Or you can also just get a Z bar

and have it in the Car. So it's like breakfast. If you want, like,

eggs or, you know, warm food or like, you want to sit down on the

table and like, eat a good breakfast, that's available till 7:45,

but after that, nope, kitchen's closed.

You can have bar in the car. I don't want a bar. I don't like

the kind of bars you bought. You don't ever get the bars I like. Right.

Oh, okay. You don't have to eat it today. No problem.

I'll take in your consideration. Like, I didn't realize you didn't like

these. We can talk about it. But this is what I have available to you

today. So there's no rescuing. There's no, like. Okay, okay, okay.

I'm going to throw this smoothie together and you got to eat. I'm going to

just, you know, shoving egg in their mouth as they put their socks and shoes

on. I would rather you be calmer than that and

be able to trust that A hungry belly does a good

lesson. A cold body does a good lesson. Now let me

talk about jackets for a second. For the most part,

after school, we would have a routine where their

school sweatshirt. Because I live in California, they never really needed a

jacket. Their school hoodie was often already in

their backpack because by the midday they had put it away

because it's warm here, maybe they had worn it all day. But when we get

home, we would put that hoodie back in the backpack so when they

got to school they could put it on. We have a car that has.

We have a garage, so the car wasn't that cold. Again, I live in

California. It's not that big of a deal for them to not be, you

know, they don't need to be super dressed warmly. Most of the time.

Parents overthink this piece of, like, they need to have their coat on.

You're going to go in the car and they're probably not going to be that

cold unless it's really cold where you live. And. And then you can make one

of your five things. Jacket. So sock, shoes,

jacket. So it's kind of the same idea. The things you put on

at the end of, like before you leave. So your five things will

be get dressed, brush your teeth, eat. Lunchbox,

Backpack. Sock, shoes, jacket. Right. So the

things that you need to take to school are that like, fourth thing.

Lunchbox, backpack. Things you need to wear to school is

your last thing that you put on. Socks, shoes, jacket.

So just kind of really keeping it as simple as you can. And I would

literally Put my hand out to them. And I'd look at, and I say, do

you have your five things? Have you done your five things? And I

would, you know, go one, did you do this? And I would, you know, show

my hands as I was like, you know, showing that they ticked it off.

Now again, I love that little new idea with the lights. Like, did

you go tick off the, you know. Yes, I did it. Yes, I did it.

Yes, I did it. That means every morning you have to go back and put

those lights on so that they can click them off. But that's not that big

of a deal. Now the same concept of five things. I did it

at bedtime. We called it three things. So I

would say, I'm happy to read books to you as long as you do your

three things before the timer gets off. So I always

had this idea that if I

had time, I love reading books to my kids. It was my absolute favorite thing.

We did it every night. Like it was just part of our

routine, like embedded in it. But

I would say to my kids, like, I want to read to you

and I hope we have time and we can. And I can read this many

books as long as you're ready by 7:30

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45 or before the timer goes off.

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So I would say you guys have to do your three things. And when

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I was teaching the three things, so the three things were pajamas, teeth, pee.

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So it was really simple. Get your pajamas on, brush your teeth and go potty.

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So those are the three things. They didn't have to do that much because by

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that time we had already cleaned up. We have a two story house. So

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once they got upstairs, it was just doing those three things. So I'd say,

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okay, I'm happy to read to you as long as you guys do your three

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things. And then I would try to not hover over them.

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I would separate myself and I would go sit in my room

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and I would wait. Now the first few times I did this,

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they did not do their three things, okay, within the

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timer because they did not know I was serious. They

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didn't know I meant business. They didn't even remember what the three things were because

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I had been rescuing and telling them what to do and putting their pajamas on

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and brushing their teeth and all of that. So this is like right around six

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five or six, I started to say, okay, you

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guys, I'm happy to read books to you as long as you do your three

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things. They would play and be so loud and

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so obnoxious and not get it done. And in that 10 minutes, while I was

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waiting for the timer to go off, I have to stay quiet

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and not, you know, do anything about it, right? I

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just wait and the timer will go off, and I come and I hey, did

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you guys do your three things? I'm looking around, I see

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that people don't have pajamas on. I see people have not been in the

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bathroom to brush their teeth. So let's go ahead and do that. Then I would

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change the limit. I'd say we can read one book as long as

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you guys get your teeth brushed and your pajamas on and you beat the timer.

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And this time, you only have three minutes. Let's go. And I would, like, make

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a little game of it, rush them through it and get, you know, okay, now

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go potty. Okay, hop in your bed. Hop in your bed. And now let's do

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it. And then we'd have time for one book instead of three. So the.

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Sometimes they wouldn't do it at all. I'd have to stay calm, keep moving

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them through the moment, keeping track of the time, noticing they weren't listening

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and being okay. Like, just getting through the moment by

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guiding them to say, yep, nope, this is the time to put your pajamas on.

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Are you doing it or am I doing it? Am I brushing your teeth or

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are you. You know, I'm going to stand at the door. I'm going to wait,

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right? So I'm very patiently waiting for them to kind of get with the

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program. I've taught this many, many times. And most

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kids, when they sense that you are serious,

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they know that they need to listen to you. Especially

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if the next day they're like, oh,

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let's go to the park after school, or, mommy, can we go to Starbucks and

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get a pop? Or whatever you do, you know, cake pop.

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And you say, oh, no, we can't do that today. Because last

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night bedtime went 30 minutes late. So that was

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30 minutes that I didn't get to do my chores. So we're gonna go home

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and we're gonna just work on the house, and we have 30 minutes of

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chores to do. We'll see if we can go do something fun after that.

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So I would delay the consequence

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and have it be later where they would experience

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that negative impact of their behavior, of

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their dilly dally and silliness and all of their

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dysregulation that happened at bedtime. Wanted them to understand,

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you're not. It's okay that you aren't sure what to do or you

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can't get it together tonight, I'm going to help you. But this impact

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is yours to deal with. So this impact on the

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time, I want to pass that back to them. Same thing in the

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mornings. If we're going to leave at 8 and somebody's creating a big problem,

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I'm going to track that time and then let them know we

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left seven minutes late because of what happened this morning.

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And so that seven minutes is time that I would normally be taking care of

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myself, taking care of the family. So here is a list of three things you

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can do to repair that time back to me.

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So it's just helping you stay calm,

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not feeling like they're getting away with everything that you are delaying

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the consequence. You're still having a gentle handoff for bed or

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for school. You're not trying to threaten them or

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tell them what, that tomorrow bad things are going to happen. If you don't get

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it together today, you're telling yourself that and you're

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letting your kids learn in experience

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that when you say that something

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is true or something will happen, that it does. There's no

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threats, there's just action.

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So you can, if you need to say something like, hey kids, I'm

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keeping track of how much time it's taking for us to get out the door

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this morning. Or hey kids, bedtime is supposed to be

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45 and it's now 15 minutes later.

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So I'm gonna have to do something about this 15 minutes tomorrow.

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So I don't want you to like create fear. I

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want you to have your kids be doing some thinking.

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Like, wait, what? And I promise the first two times you do it, they're gonna

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be like, who cares? Because they're not gonna really get what the

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impact will be. But then you do impact on them a couple of times

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and they're like, oh right, I'll get my pajamas on

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or okay, I'll put my socks and shoes on.

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Like, compliance isn't always skip to my Lou, my darlin.

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Right? They're not just like immediately going to comply. But I don't want

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them to comply because they're afraid. I want them to comply

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and listen to you because they know you

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it's in their best interest to do that. When

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they have a peaceful, easy morning and get out the door on time,

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that means they have a peaceful, easy afternoon.

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When they have a peaceful, easy evening, they know that that means a

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peaceful, easy, fun afternoon the next day. I want your kids to

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be making those connections and doing that logical thinking that

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cause and effect thinking they don't do it naturally. They don't

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do it because we tell them what's going to happen. We do it. They do

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it because we let them experience those impacts.

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So this is my concept on the five things. The three

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things, the morning routine, the evening routine. Just getting

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those routines in a simple way, communicating those

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routines, holding your kids accountable to them, and

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allowing a process where you teach those routines and

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you make your life so much easier with when those routines

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become muscle memory, having kids.

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When you say, all right, it's time to do your three things

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at bedtime, they go and do those three things, and

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then they come back and lay on the bed. Like, just imagine

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how perfect that would be for your evening. That is what's

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possible here. That's what I'm offering to you. When you get clear

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about what those things are, you communicate them. You let them fail.

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You follow through, and you do that a few times, and they will

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learn what is required of them. So I hope it gives you hope, I hope

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it gives you some ideas. And yeah, good luck.

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I know we're still in the beginning or almost done with the beginning of the

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school year stuff. Hopefully you've got your routines, but if things are really not

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going well, do the five things. Everyone needs help at bedtime. Do the

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three things and see what changes in your life.

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All right, Mamas, I hope you have a great week, and I will talk to

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you next time.