Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hi. Welcome to the
Karen Kenney show. I'm super duper happy to be here with you
today. Oh, my God, you guys. I got a good dose of sunshine
today. I was out walking my furry kids. That's where I just
came from. Nothing like moving your body a little bit, getting
a little blast of vitamin D and spending time with animals, you
know. So I'm feeling, I'm feeling the after effects that
of that whole excursion. And today I want to talk to you
about something that's just been on my mind, you know. So you
like me, might have some daily or weekly habits or whatever,
right? So on Saturday mornings I wake up, my sweetie always kind
of laughs because, you know, he gets up, he just kind of takes
his time. He takes the dogs out. He like, feeds all the furry
kids, you know, he does all this stuff and and then he usually,
like, grabs an instrument, and he's like, on the couch, right?
I get up on Saturday mornings and I'm like, let's go. Like, I
get right into action, and it's like, cleaning this vacuuming
that projects this, right? Like, I just wake up and, like, hit
the ground running. I think I've kind of always been that way. I
don't drink coffee, so I'm not somebody who needs, like,
caffeine to, like, get going. I think I just kind of wake up a
little, like, just, I always say, Man, any day that I am
above ground, know that old saying something, I just kind of
wake up. I do a little DSP, my little daily spiritual practice,
and then I'm like, let's go. I got got it my back. I got shit
to do. Let's make it happen, you know. So the reason why I'm
telling you all that is that I always like part of cleaning is
that I vacuum. Now I have this vacuum. It's all gonna come
together in a minute. Stay with me. I have this vacuum. It's an
auric vacuum. O, ah, E, C, K, I think I've had this vacuum for
like, almost 25 years, if not more. I might have had it longer
than 25 years. I was just looking to see if I could find,
like, the original receipt and like where I got it from. I have
the original like paperwork for it, meaning, like the manual.
But I don't have, I don't know if I have the receipt, it might
have even come with me from California. Like, that's how
long I've had this thing. But here's the thing about this
vacuum. Back in the day, when I first got out of college, I went
to Boston University. I went to BU when I graduated, I had to
get a job right away. It's a whole, much longer story, but I
was the concierge at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge. If you've
ever been to Boston and you've driven on steroid drive and
looked across the river, you've seen the building it looks like,
like a step pyramid, almost, right? That was one of the best
gigs. I had so much fun. I got some stories. Look, read my
memoir when that thing comes out, I got some stories, but I
had so much fun with my coworkers at that gig. There was
also a couple of unfortunate incidents, but it's also it was
a really great gig, and I became very friendly with some of the
housekeeping staff. I was the concierge, so I was like, at the
front desk, like, dealing with the people and stuff. But, you
know, I had a lock up, like, just where, like, all the
housekeepers and stuff did, and I became really friendly with
them. I also worked part time up in the gym at the Hyatt Regency
as well, and that was really fun, because there was a pool up
there and a rooftop deck for sunbathing. It was like, a
blast. Okay, anyways, we're back. I was just like
daydreaming a little bit about that. But the housekeepers
always had these high end, incredible vacuum cleaners. They
were, like, upright ones, like, so not one like you pulled
around behind you, right? So they were upright, and they had
this feature where you could practically lay them like so
there was a hinge, right? So there's the head of the vacuum
ran. It's like the thing, right? It's like the thing that spins
and the brush that pulls all the dirt back into the suction spot,
right? But the bag itself, like had a handle, and you could
literally lay that sucker flat so you could get underneath the
furniture, in the beds, even if they were low to the ground. And
I always said to myself, someday, I'm gonna get myself
one of those fancy schmancy vacuums. Okay, so the day came
when I could afford to get one. Now, those suckers weren't
cheap. I think at the time when I bought it, maybe it was like
200 bucks, I don't remember, but I remember thinking to myself, I
did my research, right? And I was like, I'm gonna get a good
vacuum. I got this vacuum, you guys. It is still running
fantastically to this day. Now, of course, I changed the bags,
right? I have had. There's, like a local, I think it's in
Manchester. There's an orc vacuum cleaner specialist
people, and I've brought it there twice, once to replace the
wheels, once to replace the belt. But, like, this sucker is
built to last, okay? And I have a few things in my life that are
made that way. I refrigerate. I was just saying My sweetie the
other day. We have almost lived in this house, let's see. It'll
be almost 19 years, and we got that fridge like when we moved
in, and I said to my sweetie just the other day, and I know
some people freak out. They're like, don't say it, don't jinx
it. But like, and I'll knock on wood for good measure. But I
open that the doors up the other day, and I'm like, Look, my
fridge isn't fancy. It doesn't, you know, it's like a split it
opens up. One side is a freezer. One size the fridge, it doesn't
make ice cubes. I don't need it to. I don't want a fridge that
makes ice cubes. I don't like the way ice cubes taste from the
fridge, right? I mean, like, you know when the cycle thing? I
don't need the fridge to, like, do like, to know my schedule, or
to have social media with all the screens, like, I don't know
what's going on with all that new shit that they're building.
But this fridge, I've had it for almost 20 years, and it's still
running like a champion built to last. Okay, my car, my car. I'm
still driving like a 2010 Toyota, rav4, I've only ever
owned Toyotas. I've had four Toyotas. That's all I've ever
owned. People American made, like Ford, GMC, like Bucha.
Don't come for me, okay? I'm a loyal Toyota person, right? My
my Toyotas have gone for hundreds and 1000s of miles. My
forerunner, before I gave it like I traded it like I sold it
to somebody, was like, at 250,000 miles. My current one,
my rav4 is at like, 168 or something like that, built to
last. Okay, there's a reason why I'm talking about this.
Hopefully you have some good things in your life that are
also built to last. We have become a fast a fast society, a
fast culture, right? We want fast food. Well, I don't want
fast food. I mean, once in a while, right? Once in a while,
if you're out and you want a snack, maybe, but like, you
know, but even then I'm eating vegan fast food, but like, fast
food, fast fashion, fast friendships, fast I can't say
that F word, right? All the dating apps, fast effing you
know what I'm saying? Everybody just wants the like, let's go.
Let's go. Fast, easy, cheap.
I don't know. I'm a Generation X kid. I kind of like to buy
things and invest in things that are going to stand the test of
time, and that is just not the way that most of the world is
working these days. So for me, when I think about like, if we
want to stand out, and whether that's in our personal
relationships or in our business and our business relationships,
we want to kind of come from that place where we are building
things that last. And I often talk to, you know, like my my
mentoring clients, the one to one clients, but also the people
in the nest. And I say to them, you guys, all the stuff that I'm
sharing here, anything that I share or teach or a resource or
whatever. What I'm trying to do is to pass on skills that are
going to last you for the rest of your life. This is not like a
quick, you know, get well, I don't teach on I was gonna say
get rich quick scheme like, but that's not my vibe. Anyways. I'm
really trying to help people gather resources, tools,
practices, things that are going to change their life in the now,
but also continue to be applicable, relatable, tangible,
practical, usable for the rest of their lives. I like to create
and build shit that's going to last, and I want you to just
think about this, because one of the most important things like
that that we want to build to last is our friendships, is our
relationships, and again, whether those are personal or
professional. So I wanted to have a talk with you while this
has been on my mind, because when I was out on the walk
today, I was thinking about like, you know, what are the
things in our life that we really want to have, like, be
built to last for for them to stand the test of time? Like,
what are some of the qualities that we need in our friendships,
in our relationships? Because, unless you're building a.
Program, like a product, like a physical product, right? Like,
that's a whole other thing. I can't really talk about that in
terms of, like, just use good quality materials. You know
what? I mean? Like everything, and we look at, and I'm going
off on a slight tangent here for a second. But when you look at
the state of the environment in the world, and how much trash,
how much stuff, how much shit, gets thrown into our landfills.
We are poisoning the oceans. We are poisoning the land. Because
everybody just wants shit fast and cheap, and they don't care
how they get it. They don't wear care how it's getting to you.
They don't care what they're doing, it with it, when, when
it's done, you know? And there are times like here where we
live, we have to take our trash, our own trash, to the dump. And,
you know, my sweetie and I, we try to be really mindful. Of
course, we recycle, but every time we I have to put, like a
trash bag, like a full trash bag, into the trash cans
outside. You know they're getting ready to eventually, on
trash day, we take him to the dump. Like, it pains me. It
pains me. And I like, I'm like, we're just like, two people and
some furry kids. Like, I can't even imagine with big families
with children and disposable diapers and on and on and on. I
just think like, oh my god. Like, the amount of trash. Oh,
I'm like, pulling at my face, if you're not watching this right
now. So here's my whole point. I would rather buy something Well,
for a decent for a good price, like really invest in something
and keep it out of the landfill, because that sucker continues to
run. And I think that analogy can be applied to our
relationships, and that's what I want to talk about. Of course,
I'm always interested in hearing from people. So if you got any
good stories about, like, my grandfather had this one saw
like, I think about my uncle, who has all these tools, and
he's had these tools for like, over 3040, years. You know what
I mean as a carpenter. And I just think it's really cool. I
think about the instruments, like, musicians like my sweetie,
where these instruments that were, like, built to last, like,
there's a reason why, like, a 65 like fender, you know, amp is
like, that's the one, right, the fender, reverb, or whatever.
There's a reason why that gold, that Les Paul gold top, is
worth, like, $250,000 whatever, you know. So things are built to
last, things that stick around for a long time. And I'm
guessing that most of us, if we are in relationships, we want
those friendships, we want those familial relationships or
business relationships or whatever, to last a long time.
So let's talk about this, right? Let's talk about this. So this
could be a friendship, this could be a marriage. This could
be a relationship between you and your customers, you and your
clients, whatever it is. So, but we can speak, you know, because
I think all of these things, I mean, not all of them, not the
one where, you know, when we're talking about necessarily like
intimacy, if we're talking physical intimacy like you
don't, you don't want to be having that, necessarily, with
your clients, unless maybe you're, you know, a sex worker.
But let's look at some of the things I wrote. I wrote a list
of myself of some of the things, and I'm sharing these because I
think I work with enough people, right? I work with enough
people, and I just know enough people to know that there are a
lot of people who are maybe not that happy in their current
relationships or the state of their relationships, and there's
some things that they wish that could be maybe different or
better or more deep, or whatever. And I think it's good
once in a while. You know, I I've often told you guys before
on the podcast, when, when it's my sweetie and I's anniversary,
we always say to each other, do you want to renew the contract?
Right? So each year we say, Do you want to renew the contract?
And then we ask each other, and I posted about this publicly,
and he knows, and he's fine with it. And then I also my sweetie,
and then I all we also say, Are there any amendments that you
want to make to the contract, you know that fine print, right?
Are there any things like, anything you want to change,
anything you want to update, anything you want to add, like
whatever, you know, and I think it's important that we check in
with each other, but here's some C's for you. These c's are kind
of important, right? So we want this consistency. We want
consistency of effort in our relationships, meaning we don't
want people who just kind of like, you know, give up, drag
ass, roll their eyes, don't participate, check out, right?
That's a C. We don't want people checking out. What we do want is
checking in. Okay? We want to be able to be checking in with one
another. Okay. We want that consistent effort, like meaning
that, showing that this relationship actually matters to
you, that you're putting a little energy and a little
effort towards this sucker, right, that you're not again,
just like taking everybody around. You for granted, like
they're always going to be there. Okay, so this consistent
effort, we also want clear communication. Oh, my God, so
often, especially if you've been friends with somebody for a long
time, or you've been a sibling for a long time, or you've been
married or a patented or whatever, right? We have a
tendency to just want other people to be mind readers. We
just think like, well, they know me. They should know this. Oh,
those shoulds will bite you in the ass every time, right? So
clear communication, open and honest. Don't expect people to
know like the you have this expectation. I always, I always
say expectations of premeditated resentments, right? So just
don't just just clear communication if you want
something, say it. If you don't want something, say it, you want
more or less of something, communicate it. And I find it so
fascinating you know that the people that you have chosen to
partner with and say, like, hey, let's get on the same team here,
right? Like, let's be a partnership. Let's get whether
you're hitched or married or living together or sleeping
together for 20 years, sharing a hot whatever the deal is. You
know, I'm like, people say, Well, I can't talk to them about
that. I'm like, wait a minute. You've been sharing a bed with
this person for 20 years, you've seen each other like naked, at
your best, at your worst, sick, healthy, you like you've been
through the gamut together. And yet we do this thing where we're
like, they can't handle the truth, or we write these stories
about people and on top of, like, doing that whole
expectation, like, they should know this already or whatever,
we also withhold really important information. And I'm
like, wait, what? What part of clear communication, like, did
you miss on this whole thing? Right? So there's this thing
about being able to, you know, have that connection, that
comfortable connection, where you can be human in front of
that other person. You know, it's so interesting. Like, I
know people who have been like, Oh, I've never, like, farted in
front of my partner. I've never like, you know, I'm always like,
no, like, private bathroom. Like, you know, you can't come
in while I'm peeing, like, whatever. And look, every
household has their own thing. I get it, but I'm thinking to
myself, if you're sharing a home or a house with somebody for a
wicked long time, inevitably, all the stuff that the body does
is gonna it's gonna be exposed, right? You know what I'm saying?
So this is idea of like, How comfortable are you creating
comfort around each other, where there's space for you to be who
you really are, like it doesn't have to be a performance. You
don't have to be perfect. You get to have your, you know, your
shared humanity, okay? Speaking of sharing, we also want another
C, this shared commitment, right? A commitment to the
relationship, and also a commitment to growth that it's
not just gonna get like, oh, you know, it's interesting. An older
gentleman once said to me, I thought this was really
interesting. I am not saying across the board that this is
100% true. I'm just sharing what this gentleman said to me, and
it made me think about it, and I've thought about it many times
over the years. He says Men often get married, right? And
again, this, this could be same, these different in same sex
couples,
but he said men tend to get married and they say, Oh, I hope
she never changes. You know, like they meet their high school
sweetheart, whatever, and they're like, Oh, this is the
girl from me, and I hope she never changes. Where a lot of
times women will marry men, and they think that's okay. He'll
change once he's with me. Yeah, he's got that annoying habit, or
he's not, he's not that talkative. He doesn't talk about
his feelings that much, but he'll change once he's with me.
And I thought, Oh, interesting. So I'm not going to tell you how
to feel about that, but I like to just share these things, and
maybe you can think on it, think on it, and then tell me what you
think about that. Okay, so the other C, we also want
connection, which means we gotta spend some time together, right?
We gotta communicate, clearly, communicate your wants, your
needs, the desires, and then connect, spend some time
together. It's so important, right? If you're always just off
doing your own thing all the time, and you never have that
field where you cross, where there's that moment of like,
where you're actually interested in what the other person is up
to right those little check ins at the end of the day, you know,
before after you put the kids to bed, or before you go to sleep
or whatever. Like, you know, just like check in with each
other throughout the day once in a while, not saying you have to
constantly be texting each other and calling each other or
whatever, you know, that's not for everybody, but at least.
Have that moment where you feel like you've kind of plugged in,
and you've connected a little bit, okay, be willing. Here's
another big C like you got to be willing to compromise. You've
got to be willing to compromise, right? It's not always going to
be your way of the highway, and it's a really beautiful and
humbling thing. Now, I'm not saying you should compromise on
wicked, important values that you hold. Like, I'm not saying
you should give up your own identity and, you know, and and
all of a sudden, like, you know, whatever. Like, I'm not saying
that, but compromise on the things that don't really matter.
Like, just Jesus, if they want to watch a particular movie.
Just watch it, and likewise, like vice versa, right? This is
true for all family members, too, by the way, all of these, I
think, and then, oh my god, here's another one,
constructive, constructive, conflict resolution, fight fair,
if you're going to fight, like, if you're going to discuss, if
you're going to bring up a sensitive subject, let's not
resort to name calling. I have just been like, that was one of
the things that my sweetie and I, you know, I've been in many
relationships where I have been called some names. I have
probably done my own fair share of name calling myself, or
certainly I might not have done name calling so much. Mine would
be more to like, maybe raise my voice and swear and get angry.
But I don't know. I don't remember. I'm sure somebody out
there is rolling there, somebody else that could be rolling their
eyes right now and being like, really, I seem to remember, and
maybe I don't remember being necessarily a super big name
call us so much as but I would definitely be like, Buck you, or
like, whatever, right? So when I got together with my speedy, I
was like, yeah, no, I don't want to do this the way that I've
done other things. Like, I really want to be committed to,
like, basically, and we'll get into what I'm about to say,
like, for these next things, but let's, let's go over these,
right? So, so far, consistent effort, clear communication,
right? We want open and honest communication. We want to be
able to really, you know, be seen and be heard in our
relationships. And so we've gotta, we've gotta be willing to
be vulnerable in that communication and open up and
talk about our feelings, etc. Okay, we want to have a shared
commitment to the relationship and a shared commitment to
growth that you're both on a path of wanting to evolve,
right? Not keep each other in a box of like when we got married,
this is who you were. Well, when we set it up, this is who you
were. It's like Jesus. We want to evolve, don't we, don't we
want to grow and keep getting to know ourselves and know each
other and remember who we truly are. Okay. We want to have
connection. We want to be able to compromise and we want to
have constructive, constructive conflict resolution. But what is
some of the other things that make things be more built to
last right, to stand the test of time, to evolve and grow over
the years? And I want to say, I want to hit pause for to put in
a little caveat here. I'm not a person right, who believes like
I wasn't necessarily hell bent on getting married in this
lifetime. It happened to happen. It happened later in my like it
happened in my 40s. You know what I mean. But, and while I
believe that a union like of marriage can be a beautiful and
powerful thing. I don't always think it's necessary, and I also
don't think that people should just stayed married forever,
especially if they're both miserable, and they're making
everybody else around them miserable, including their
children, by staying in a marriage when they clearly don't
want to be around one another each anymore, you know what I
mean. So I'm not talking about building it to last and just
sucking it up and stuffing it down and staying with somebody
who's verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually
abusive. I do not believe in that, you know. So I just want
to say that there's a reason why I don't think that everybody
should just run and get a divorce as soon as things are
had. I think there's a reason why there's counselors and
couple therapy and people you can talk to and working some
shit out. And I've also been around long enough to see that
when people get people experience unhappiness or
whatever in a relationship, we can be pretty quick to think
it's the other person that they're the problem, when really
that's when we need to take a look in the mirror. Take a look
in the soul mirror, as I say, and get honest. Get honest with
yourself about take a fearless moral inventory, as they say in
12 step programs, right? Take a look at yourself and a lot of
times our own dissatisfied. Action of self, with who we are,
what we're doing or not doing, whatever we can. Take that kind
of malaise, that general like and we blame it on other people.
I'm not saying your partner isn't part of the problem, but a
lot of times, Hello, I'm the problem. It's me as as what is
it? Taylor Swift, that that's her song. Okay, so here are some
of the other things, right? So just to wrap that up in a little
bow, I don't think you should stay in something that you're
miserable in. So I'm not saying that all relationships should be
built to last. I think some people are going to come in and
out of our lives for different reasons, different seasons, etc.
Okay, here's some other things, and I'm kind of sharing these is
like a little checklist for you. If you are somebody who's in a
relationship, or if you're somebody who wants to get into a
relationship, here are some things you might want to be
aware of. And I'm not a, I'm not a hashtag relationship, you
know, therapist, or anything like that, but I'm in the
business of people, and I've been in enough relationships,
right to know that these are some things that help, like
human behavior, these are some things that are going to help.
Is there trust? Do you trust your your friend? Do you trust
your sibling? Do you trust your family members? Do you trust
your partner, the person that you live with that you share
your life with, you know what I mean? That's kind of important.
Without trust, how are you going to you're always going to be
holding your cards close to your chest. You're going to have your
dukes up. You're not going to be willing to be vulnerable if
there's no trust, you're not going to be willing to be
honest, to be seen, if there's no trust to share yourself,
right to open yourself up, emotionally, mentally,
spiritually, physically, if there's no trust, it's not going
to happen. Is there mutual respect? This is such a big one.
You know, I'm just not interested in being in
relationships with people who don't have, like, basic respect
for me. You know what I mean, if you don't like me, if you don't
want me around, if you think I'm an idiot, if you just have no
interest in being like, kind to me. Like, I don't, I don't know.
I'm all sad. Like, take it somewhere else, right? I'm like,
I'm almost 57 I only got so many summers left, so many years
left. I want to be around people that want to be around me, and
I'm going to talk to me like, I'm a fucking asshole. You know
what I'm saying? So, like, yeah, no. Like, not interested in
being around the jerks, not saying I cannot work on
relationships with difficult people. I don't think we should
just run away from everybody that we find a little
challenging, right? There's something, there's something
like, there's some good spiritual like, I'm, like,
kneading my hands, like I'm making bread, like I'm kneading
dough, right? This there can be something good about spending
time sometimes. Now I'm not talking about people who harm
you or distress you. I'm just saying, like, we don't always
have to agree with everybody all the time in order to have a
relationship with them. Okay? So trust, mutual respect,
reliability. Don't we all want to have, like, first of all, be
a person that's reliable, but also have other people that
we're in close relationship to to have that kind of
reliability. Oh, my God, when people are responsible, man,
does that just take my nervous system, like right down to a
much more regulated place when I don't have to do mental
gymnastics, worrying and wondering, are they going to
keep their word, and even if they break their word, it's
probably going to be for a reason that they couldn't avoid.
Like reliability, to me, is like sexy people who show up, people
who are there for you, people who keep their word, people who
don't just say they're a friend. I'm doing air quotes, they
actually act like a friend. They show up like a friend. You know
what I'm saying. So yeah, that's good. Here's another thing, time
together. Spending time together is really important. I know a
lot of people do like long distance relationships, I find
that most people don't do them well, right? They don't usually
survive. So time together, and sometimes that time together for
periods of time of travel or whatever. It might have to be
over zoom or FaceTime or whatever. But finding that time
to have connection and intimacy and to connect is really
important.
Appreciation and gratitude. This is another way that you build
especially in business relationships too. If your
clients feel like you really appreciate them, this is how you
can build that loyalty in relationships is that you're
somebody who has their trust, has their respect. You are
reliable, that they've spent some time with you, getting to
know your business, your brand, whatever, and that they know
that there's like that mutual appreciation and gratitude,
those things can get out of balance. You know, there can be
time. Times when you feel like, taken for granted, and you're
like, there's not really a lot of appreciation and gratitude
happening right now and granted. There's going to be seasons,
right? There's going to be times in each person's life where
maybe somebody's grieving, or somebody just had a baby, or
somebody just is going through a thing right there. They're
having some, you know, they're dealing with their mental
health, whatever, like, not everybody's gonna be on point
100% of the time, but most of the time, right? If we can be
expressing not just like keeping it in your head, right? Express
your gratitude. Send a card. Send a thank you note. Call them
on the phone, let them hear your voice, right? Send something
snail mail like surprise them. Appreciation and gratitude, man,
goes a really long way. Say thank you. Say you're welcome.
Notice the everyday little things and comment on it. Hey, I
noticed that you brought the trash bins back in blah, blah,
blah from the end of the driveway, right? Hey, thank you
for feeding the kids. I always said I get up in the morning say
to my sweetie, thanks for doing the dishes. Doing the dishes,
thanks for doing this right. Because I want him to know that
I see what he does. And same thing for here, he'll say to me,
thanks for going grocery shopping, thanks for doing this
right. Because I don't ever want him to feel taken for granted,
and I certainly don't like feeling that way either. So I'm
this is just like, again, this is just my list. And look, I
could put probably another 25 things on this list, but let's
not, let's not do overkill. We only have so much time. Here's
another thing that's really important. If you want to build
shit that lasts, we got to have some self awareness, man. We've
got to have some emotional awareness, and we need to have
some emotional intelligence, and we really need to have some
empathy for one another. If you don't know what you're feeling,
and you don't know how to express your feelings, and you
have no idea if you are just like, shut off emotionally. This
is one of the biggest things that I hear. You know, women
complain about with their male partners is that you know he
doesn't even know how he feels. He's not in touch with his
emotions. But here's the flip side of that, too, ladies,
women, people, if you want somebody to have their feelings,
and they're allowed to have all of their feelings so you can't,
then shame men for crying. I think this is such a fascinating
thing about the difference between how women are raised, or
girls are raised and boys are raised, or children are raised
in our culture, where we do everything, like pink, blue,
like we try to separate, I'm like humans, humans, humans,
humans, which means feelings, feelings, which means it's not
like women only got feelings and men Didn't emotions. The
chemical cocktails in our brain exists in both our brains. I'm
not saying things might not be slightly different. Men are just
as sensitive. Most men are just as sensitive and feel as deeply.
They just either got it yelled out of them, beat out of them,
shamed out of them, blamed out when they were kids. So women
don't get weird around like, let your man be human. Let him have
you know, have empathy for the full spectrum of the rainbow of
human emotions, right? Like all parts of you are welcome here.
Okay, not that, not the abusive pots. We're not fans of that
pot. But you know what I'm saying? Okay, have your own
emotional awareness. Have some empathy from one another. Okay?
Oh, my God. Individual growth, so important, so important.
Please. Don't like get together in 1970 and then nobody. Read a
book, for the love of Jesus Christ, read some books. Read
some books. Read them together. Take some classes. Take a
course. Expand your mind. Get a new hobby, like Grow. Grow.
Don't become a stagnant pool, like, where mosquitoes and all
the bugs gather. You know what I'm saying? Like, no, like,
expand. I'm doing this thing, like, from my hat, like my hat,
like a big circle. Like, expand. Big circle. Expand yourself.
Open your mind. Keep your mind open. Keep your heart open, keep
your ears open. Right, which leads me to this right is open
eyes open hot. Open mind open, which is we want to be really
good listeners. Pay attention. Pay attention. Paying attention
is one of the greatest ways that we show love. I am interested in
what you have to say, and it's there's a difference between
really listening and really hearing. You know what I mean?
Like, not just like, Oh, I hear the words coming out of your
mouth, but I'm not paying attention, right? Put down on
your damn phone. If you're sweetie or your partner or your
kid or somebody that matters to you is trying to talk to you,
take a moment. Flip that sucker down. Pay attention. Here's
another thing that I do sometimes, right? We're all. All
in the habit of it. Somebody's in the other room. You can't see
them. You just walk in and you're already talking, and you
go in and you see they're doing something, right? So we all do
it to each other. So my sweetie and I have often said, you know,
to each other, just give me a minute, like, if I'm mid
thought, or mid if I'm writing some I don't want to forget what
I was doing. And I'll just say to him, I mean, obviously, if
it's an emergency, I'll put my phone down, but sometimes I'll
just say, just give me one second, because I want to be
able to give you my full attention. I don't want to half
ass it. Now, look, we're not perfect. We don't always get it
right. I'm deaf as a haddock. I can't hear him most of the time,
right, so he speaks. His his tone of voice is just like,
like, really, sometimes hard for my ears to catch. He and I have
talked about this, like, ad nauseam, right? He's like, I say
patience of a saint when it comes to repeating himself
around me. But it just shows like, like, really try to listen
and be present, right? Like, pay attention. So, like, shut your
mouth. That's why I was laughing. I was like, open ears,
open heart, open mind, right? But shut your mouth once in a
while, and really listen to your partner. This can be wicked
helpful in starting to help build things that last. Because,
you know, women will often say he doesn't hear me, he doesn't
get me. It's another way of saying he doesn't get me,
doesn't understand me, right? And we want to be heard, all of
us do? We want to be heard. We want to know that we matter
again. That goes back to appreciation and gratitude, like
let people know I see you, I get you, I understand you, I feel
you, or even if I don't, because I haven't been in that exact
position. I wish I did. I wish I could, but I'm still here for
you. You know what I'm saying? Okay, individual growth, yes,
but shared goal, like, shared goals, you got to know you're on
the same team. If one of you is like, no, I really want to save
because I want to pay off the mortgage earlier, like, get this
thing paid off, and the other one's like, Copacabana, let's go
drink and booze and potty and travel and save nothing, right?
It's like, that is not gonna work. You guys gotta have some
shared goals, yo. You know what I'm saying. And definitely some
check ins. I already said this a connection. You want to do these
check ins. But here's a little tip. Here's a little something
I've learned over the years. Okay, everybody's different. My
sweetie and I can sit down and talk ad nauseum with each other
over the kitchen table about things, right? But not everybody
can, so some people do better expressing what's going on
inside of them by being in motion. For some people that's
taking a drive, for some people that's taking a walk, right? Get
to know what works for your Patna, some people like to be in
motion. It does something to the brain, right? It helps them to
do. We already know that walking helps with creativity, creative
thinking, blah, blah. But you know, don't always insist that
the important conversations, like I know so many parents who
say to me,
I talk to my kid when he's in the car with me, when he's
trapped, like on the way to school, or like taking them
clothes shop or whatever the thing they like, trap their kids
in the car and try to force their kids to talk to I think
it's so funny. Oh my god, so But find out. Find out when you and
your sweetie, you and your partner, you and your bestie,
you and your family members, right, do their best connecting
and talking and don't always assist like somebody might be
like, Can we take a walk in the woods, or can we blah, blah,
blah, whatever the thing is right, and see what works for
them. And like I said, I could go on and on and on and on, but
it was really just looking at these items, these things that I
had right, my fridge, my car, my vacuum. And I was like, Man,
these suckers are built to last. And then I started to think, is
there anything else in our life right now that's really built to
last? I'm like, so much is like again, fast fashion, fast food,
fast fast communication, fast everything. Everything is just
like, move, move, move. I said, Yeah, you know what? Like
relationships can be really built to last, if we're willing
to pour into them, if we're willing to slow down and take a
look at these things, right? So ask yourself just kind of go
through this. Have I been showing consistent effort in my
relationship? Have I been commuting, communicating clearly
with my clients, with my customers, with my sweet hat,
with my best friend, whoever with my siblings, right, my
parents or whatever your thing is, right? Is there a shared
commitment here? Are we both still committed to making this
relationship, whatever kind of relationship it is, work, right?
Are we committed to growing together? Side by side on the
same team, right? Are we still putting an effort to stay
connected, right? Are we willing to compromise? Do we know how to
constructively have conflict, right, without like flinging
like names at each other and being unkind and then doing the
silent treatment, or somebody slamming the door and walking
out. Do you know how many adults, I always think of it
like this, adult children, because so many adults, we're
really just little kids in big bodies. So many adults have
abandonment issues. So let me say this, if you are somebody
who insists on being a door Slammer in a leva when you're
fighting with somebody. Do you know what would like really be
helpful is if you, first of all learned maybe a better way than
that. But also, if you are going to leave like you just need to
go outside and take a walk so you don't say something you're
gonna regret. Tell your partner, I'm going to go outside. I just
need to get some fresh air. I need to clear my head. I need to
take a walk. I don't want to say anything I'm going to regret or
anything unkind, but I'll be back. I'm coming back. I want
you to know I'm coming back to talk to you that can make a
really big difference. Okay, and then ask yourself, about these
suckers too. Do we have a shared trust here? Do I trust this
person? Do they trust me? Have I been trustworthy? Hmm, have they
been trustworthy, right? Is there mutual respect between us?
Does it flow both ways? Are we reliable with one one another.
Are we responsible? Do we keep our word to each other? Do we do
our best to not break promises, right? Do we spend time
together? Is there a true connection? Is there verbal
intimacy, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy? No, you're
not always going to have but physical intimacy doesn't always
have to be sex, right? It could be like, are we affectionate
with one another? Do we show our love? Do we hug each other? Do
we say, I love you? Do we kiss each other goodbye on the cheek,
the mouth, whatever the thing is, right? Is there appreciation
and gratitude? Do you take the time to say thank you? You're
welcome. I appreciate that. I saw you. I'm grateful for you
every day, whatever emotional awareness and empathy, do you
have emotional intelligence? Do you know what you're feeling? Do
you understand what's going on inside of you? Do you know why
you do what you do? Think, what you think, say, what you say,
believe, what you believe. You got to know yourself, right? You
got to have some emotional awareness, individual growth,
shared goals, check ins, and then hear the compromise. We
cannot forget compromise. Are you willing to compromise? Maybe
I already said that, and then here's another wicked, big one,
forgiveness. Are you willing to forgive one another for the
times when you are inevitably going to be clumsy, you are
going to flub it up, you are
going to trespass you. We're going to step on toes. You're
going to, like, interrupt them when there's, like, there's 1001
ways where we can be really annoying as human beings, and
we're trying to, like, build a life with somebody, and we have
to put up with each other's nuances and quirks and habits
and patterns and bullshit. So forgiveness, we have to learn
how to forgive ourselves and forgive one another. And I'm not
telling people that you need to forgive like awful, big things.
That's not for me to say, but just the day to day stuff. Can
we just fucking give each other a pass once in a while? Can we
just let some things slide once in a while, right? And if
something is really, really, really bothering you figure out
what it is about. The thing, the behavior, the pattern, he leaves
the toilet seat up. She leaves, she leaves her wet towel on the
floor, whatever, right? Whatever. The thing is, you
know, figure out why it's really bothering you, and then
communicate clearly, go back up to those C's and like, you know,
because we want, we want these things to last. So I hope this
has been helpful in some way. And again, I want to reiterate,
not all relationships are going to last right? In A Course in
Miracles, we talk about it like the three levels of teaching,
there are some relationships that are going to be like, bing,
bang, boom. They last for 30 seconds. Literally, I see you in
an elevator. We smile, we say, hi, burp. Opportunity for
connection. Beautiful. It happened right next level up is
like when we spend some time together. Maybe we went to grade
school together. Maybe we were friends, like, you know, for
like, three months at summer camp. Maybe we went to, like,
whatever, right, some relationships people come in.
You date them for a year. It's over. But time served. Like
there was a meaning, there's there was a reason why you guys
met, and then you kind, I'm kind of doing this helix thing where
I'm making my hands swim, like in this line where you're going
to come in and then you're going to go back out and, like, that's
it. And then the third level of teaching, and this is kind of
what I'm talking about today, where we. Commit to a person we
commit to a relationship, and whether that's in a family. And
look, sometimes you do need to leave your family of origin
because it is dysfunctional as
right? I'm not saying everybody should stay together forever.
Not a fan. I think when it's supposed to be, when it works,
when everybody is contributing and giving and trying to make it
work, like that's a beautiful thing, but we shouldn't stay in
situations that are damaging and dangerous and brutal. Okay,
nothing good is going to come out or violent. Nothing good is
going to come out of that. And there's lots of ways to be
violent. I'm going to have another podcast about that. But
here's the thing, right, third level of teaching. These are the
people that come into your life, and like, you spend some a good
chunk of time together. And look, I've often jokingly said,
right? Like, mentors are great. Like, the people that like, help
you teach you, it's so nice. Mentors are great, but
tormentors will take you a long way too. And it's kind of like,
and I don't mean tormenting you like they're physically harming
you, but like, sometimes we just get on each other's nerves,
right? Sometimes you just like bumping up against each other,
and whether that's siblings or like, whatever. But here's the
thing, right? That's a third level of teaching, and if both
parties are willing to commit, all relationships have the
potential to be holy relationships, if both people
are aware, and they're trying their best to love one another.
And that is the final piece here, the love. This is how
things get really saved it for last, right? This is how things
really get built to last is their love present, and not
just, Oh, I love you. Do the words and the actions? Are they
congruent? Because when there's deep love, right, people can
usually right, usually make most things work. Not always you need
the other things. You need the trust and the respect and all
that stuff, but love is such a solid foundation. And I think I
think of the three little pigs building their houses, but and
right, like straw and hay and mud and like brick or whatever,
right? Is that? Right? Yeah. And then the other thing is, I think
it's somewhere it might be in the Bible, I should probably
find I'm pretty sure it is, but it's just, I didn't read it
specifically in the Bible. But I just know this phrase of like,
build your house on rock, and not sand, and fast, fast. Fast
is how we build things, quick sand. You know what I'm saying?
Just suck you right down. Kill you, you know, but you know what
I'm saying metaphorically, build your house on rock, and the
first foundation, right, is love. So I hope this was helpful
in some way. Thank you for listening. I appreciate you so
much. I hope wherever you are, you're having a fantastic day,
and anything you want to find out about working together,
finding out shenanigans, what I'm up to, whatever. Just go to
Karen Kenney, k e n, n, e y.com. I would love to have you like,
come join the nest if you're interested in that. That's my
monthly membership program, right? It's like group, group,
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people are amazing. And there's also one to one spiritual
mentoring in the quest. There's lots of ways to stay connected.
You can just get on my email list. And if you found this, I
haven't mentioned this in a while, but if you listen to the
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all right. Thank you so much. Have a fantastic rest of your
day. And wherever you go, may you leave the people, the place,
the animals, yourself, the environment, better than how you
first find it wherever you go. May you and your presence and
your energy and your love and your relationships be a
blessing. May you be out there trying to build things and
relationships that last. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for
listening to the show. I really love spending some time
together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could
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